so last night was wednesday. today is thursday.
now you're up to date.
wendesday nights are my one night out a week. i go to the same bar, listen to the same band, chat with the same bartenders EVERY. WEDNESDAY. i call it my #wednesdaynightshenannigans. there's usually not actual shenannigans happening, it's just the idea that there could be.
i know all the bartenders by now. i'm friends with the band (that's why i started going years ago). i know most of the other usuals.
IT'S MY FUCKING CHEERS.
so. last night i'm in my happy little zen spot and unknown asshole sits down next to me. not a big deal. it's the kinda place that people from out of town gravitate to- mellow atmosphere, good music, close to most of the downtown hotels. i've had some fun conversations with people in town only for a few days- all sorts of interesting occupations they travel for.
asshole last night started off pretty rough- right away wanted to see my tattoo. ok. i have tattoos, people like to look. THEY'RE NOT BRAILLE. they're not scratch and sniff. THERE'S NO REASON TO PET THEM. oh yeah. holding, petting, generally creeping on my arm. and then my wrists. THANK HEAVENS the others were covered or not visible at least.
DEEP BREATH.
so, he backed off and we actually had an interesting conversation. then he started creeping up on me again. and i tried to very politely make it obvious i was not open to this- kept my arms crossed, leaned away from him, looked straight forward the whole time.
towards the end of the night he started this sentence: "...so, I have a really nice room at Hotel Lusso..."
OH. FUCK. NO.
i tried to deflect- oh, i've heard that's a good spot to stay when you're in town. better than the super 8 ha ha.
subtlety is lost on this asshole.
"You should come back with me and explore this connection more."
umm...yannno. NO. HELL NO.
told him i was flattered but would have to decline.
FOUR TIMES IN A ROW.
not getting the hint: if i won't go back to his room, how do i feel about public displays of affection in a bar?
i'm not that girl. sorry.
"really? i don't even get a kiss?"
seriously- what part of NO isn't sinking in?
and it didn't end there. it kept on for another 45 minutes with him getting more and more aggressive about it.
at one point i even pulled out a pretty good standard deterrent for extreme cases: "I have a submissive at home and have to stay within the confines of that relationship."
this USUALLY does a few things: it's not only a form of a relationship they're treading on, it's also a fetish or unusual type of relationship that makes *most* people uncomfortable. if you simply say boyfriend, guys like this will just keep on- oh, you don't have to tell him, i'm better than he'll ever be...the usual bullshit. so i usually go straight for the jugular pulling out the "submissive" word. *usually* works just fine.
not this time. this guy starts in about wanting to be cuckold.
OH. SHIT.
so i keep politely refusing. NO, i will not change my mind. NO, i'm not going back with you.
then this bomb dropped: "i've never been refused before."
isn't that what serial killers say?
immediately the hair on my neck stood up.
OH. HELL. NO.
and the asshole is still UP ON ME. and my bartender is watching and letting me know if i need help he's ready to bounce the asshole.
i'm getting very uncomfortable at this point. the guy is still touching me, RIGHT IN MY EAR to talk to me, generally being a creep. i'm trying to be polite, don't want to cause a scene, this is MY bar after all- he's only here for one night, i'll be back next week.
i would like to escape to the dance floor, but i know he'll follow. i would like to leave, but i'm worried he'd follow there too.
FUCK.
he asks AGAIN if i'll go back to his room with him. this time, with the bartender paying FULL attention, i said: "why would i go back to your room? i'm not the girl to go back the room of a traveling sales man and be his free hooker for the night. i deserve better than that and i'm not going with you."
my bartender knew full and well at that point what was going on and really started to watch me. i'm actually so uncomfortable i'm shaking. this guy is just NOT backing off.
and this guy FINALLY backs off a bit.
THANK HEAVENS.
so i quickly pay my tab, grab a friend of mine in the crowd (who happens to be a sturdy guy who works out often and plays semi-pro football) and ask him to walk me to my car.
YES, i asked someone to walk me to my car.
i've never been legit worried about some creeper in a bar before. this guy just set off all the red flags though.
i got home and i was SHAKING. that guy really got to me. he wasn't drinking at all, he was just that creepy of a guy. and to not take a hint. AT ALL.
and i felt so guilty- i know my bartender was being AWESOME and watching out for me. i felt bad he was worried and had to watch out. i feel bad that i didn't squash it the first time asshole tried to touch my tattoo. i feel bad that i wasn't less embarrassed and more vocal about telling him no. why should i be polite when he's trying to make me a free hooker? i was angry that he even thought it was ok to proposition me AGAIN after the first time.
it was honestly the first time it had ever happened. i've had guys try to pick me up before but backed off after i said no once. i've had drunks try to be all suave and it's painfully funny to watch. i've never had someone completely sober be so aggressive about repeatedly trying to pick me up. that doesn't happen to me. i'm the chubby brunette they chat up while they're waiting for the hot girl to get there (not tearing myself down, it's the truth- i see them scanning the door every time someone walks in/walks by).
i've NEVER felt threatened enough to have someone walk me to my car. i'm eternally grateful a friend that i trust was there and willing to help me out. i'm glad i was able to quickly pay my tab and sneak out while asshole went out on the dance floor. i'll think twice about having a conversation with a stranger that sits down next to me. and i HATE that. i like talking to all different people. i like finding out where they're from and why they're in town. but honestly it will take some effort for me to be willing to do that again.
i just- THAT'S MY BAR ASSHOLE. that's my zen spot. don't come in and try to shit all over it. you'll probably never step foot in there again. i'll be back every week. don't you dare ruin that for me.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
nice try monday
monday did a legit job of trying to make the day as shitty as possible.
it's been fairly nice the last few weeks, so i guess it was just a
matter of time before it tried to kick my ass.
nice try monday.
started out with a full connecting swing to the gut- had a very realistic dream about my dad last night. dreamed he was building a huge new house out in the woods- there were rooms for everyone, myself, the spawns, other visitors. this might seem strange, but it was one of the things that bothered me most growing up- when he and the second wife built a brand new house she didn't want any guest rooms- this mean when my older brother and i visited in the summer/spring break we either had to share rooms or couch surf. nothing like feeling like a guest ALL THE TIME at your parents house. it was a strange growing up.
the house he bought with his third wife had plenty of guest rooms and beds. it was nice to be welcome for once. and then in this dream- there were so many rooms, and he was so happy to have us and it was so nice to get to see him and talk to him and hug him again. and i was able to tell him that for the first time in a LONG time i feel really healthy and like i'm on the right track and going where i'm supposed to be.
it was a NICE dream.
and then i woke up.
it took me a minute for the full impact to hit.
and then i was in tears.
FUCK YOU MONDAY.
rough start.
small spawn picked a fight about wanting to ride his scooter to school. small issue that's actually really big- after the scare walking to school last week hes scared to walk any more but doesn't want to wait for me to walk him (he would miss breakfast). He wants to ride his scooter because it's faster. I won't let him because a) it's only 2 blocks, b) there's the what do you do with it when you get there issue, and c) it takes just as long to ride the scooter as it does to walk by the time you factor in crossing streets, crappy sidewalks, all of it.
ugh. not getting better.
i got to work, tried to set things aside, DEEP BREATH. because i had a dream about my dad and i know that New York is still working through his issues, i decided to check in with him and see how things are going.
apparently they're going VERY well. as in he's been seeing someone and spending the last few weekends with her.
nice play monday. another direct gut shot.
and it's not like i'm sitting over here all devout and not being distracted by the occasional gentleman, but for him to actually be seeing someone? enough to mention it? and spending weekends with her? after all the...yeah. ouch.
half of me is glad he's getting out and being around people again. i know he needs to not just sit at home and stare at the walls. but still. ouch.
so. i'm trying to stuff those feelings away, i'm determined not to let monday ruin my mascara.
then i get a phone call. the job that the temp agency though i was a perfect fit for- a direct hire, full time, great pay, benefits, executive assistant job- yeah, they filled it internally. no shot at an interview even.
FUCK.
ok monday. this isn't fun anymore.
it's fingertips on the edge of the canyon wall at this point.
those are some pretty hefty blows.
*sigh*
FUCK YOU MONDAY.
then there shines a small glimmer of hope- a prize package from castle megastore. yes, the adult toy store. FUN!
and then the glimmer gets a little bigger- my tax return will be deposited on valentines day. YAY.
then pandora radio pulls through with good music for the afternoon, and even though it's only 330 currently, i feel pretty safe in saying monday tried it's damndest, but i'm declaring a victory.
mascara is still intact. spirit is battered but weathering this stupid little storm. work is done in a few minutes and it's home to spawns and an evening of nothing on the schedule.
if you hang in there long enough and try your damndest to be a duck, eventually there's a break in the clouds.
i used to let this shit completely derail me. now i know there's a moment of shit and an opportunity for things to get better. there's good friends that respond with commiserative but supportive texts, there's changes for random things to pop up and make the day better.
and, if all else fails, there's a few liquor stores on the way home.
nice try monday.
started out with a full connecting swing to the gut- had a very realistic dream about my dad last night. dreamed he was building a huge new house out in the woods- there were rooms for everyone, myself, the spawns, other visitors. this might seem strange, but it was one of the things that bothered me most growing up- when he and the second wife built a brand new house she didn't want any guest rooms- this mean when my older brother and i visited in the summer/spring break we either had to share rooms or couch surf. nothing like feeling like a guest ALL THE TIME at your parents house. it was a strange growing up.
the house he bought with his third wife had plenty of guest rooms and beds. it was nice to be welcome for once. and then in this dream- there were so many rooms, and he was so happy to have us and it was so nice to get to see him and talk to him and hug him again. and i was able to tell him that for the first time in a LONG time i feel really healthy and like i'm on the right track and going where i'm supposed to be.
it was a NICE dream.
and then i woke up.
it took me a minute for the full impact to hit.
and then i was in tears.
FUCK YOU MONDAY.
rough start.
small spawn picked a fight about wanting to ride his scooter to school. small issue that's actually really big- after the scare walking to school last week hes scared to walk any more but doesn't want to wait for me to walk him (he would miss breakfast). He wants to ride his scooter because it's faster. I won't let him because a) it's only 2 blocks, b) there's the what do you do with it when you get there issue, and c) it takes just as long to ride the scooter as it does to walk by the time you factor in crossing streets, crappy sidewalks, all of it.
ugh. not getting better.
i got to work, tried to set things aside, DEEP BREATH. because i had a dream about my dad and i know that New York is still working through his issues, i decided to check in with him and see how things are going.
apparently they're going VERY well. as in he's been seeing someone and spending the last few weekends with her.
nice play monday. another direct gut shot.
and it's not like i'm sitting over here all devout and not being distracted by the occasional gentleman, but for him to actually be seeing someone? enough to mention it? and spending weekends with her? after all the...yeah. ouch.
half of me is glad he's getting out and being around people again. i know he needs to not just sit at home and stare at the walls. but still. ouch.
so. i'm trying to stuff those feelings away, i'm determined not to let monday ruin my mascara.
then i get a phone call. the job that the temp agency though i was a perfect fit for- a direct hire, full time, great pay, benefits, executive assistant job- yeah, they filled it internally. no shot at an interview even.
FUCK.
ok monday. this isn't fun anymore.
it's fingertips on the edge of the canyon wall at this point.
those are some pretty hefty blows.
*sigh*
FUCK YOU MONDAY.
then there shines a small glimmer of hope- a prize package from castle megastore. yes, the adult toy store. FUN!
and then the glimmer gets a little bigger- my tax return will be deposited on valentines day. YAY.
then pandora radio pulls through with good music for the afternoon, and even though it's only 330 currently, i feel pretty safe in saying monday tried it's damndest, but i'm declaring a victory.
mascara is still intact. spirit is battered but weathering this stupid little storm. work is done in a few minutes and it's home to spawns and an evening of nothing on the schedule.
if you hang in there long enough and try your damndest to be a duck, eventually there's a break in the clouds.
i used to let this shit completely derail me. now i know there's a moment of shit and an opportunity for things to get better. there's good friends that respond with commiserative but supportive texts, there's changes for random things to pop up and make the day better.
and, if all else fails, there's a few liquor stores on the way home.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
we've got you covered
i've sat here the last three nights staring at my screen. i don't have writers block per say anymore- i have a list of ideas and musings that's growing constantly, things like:
if i could capture ALL my thoughts for just one day, i'd have blog material for a year. always have the best ideas/perfect sentences when i don't have something to write on OR i can't write fast enough to capture it the way it was in my head.
i'm going to start an underwear rental company called: "we've got you covered" and rent out underwear for special occasions. why? because finding out places like ross will take back underwear and sell it again as long as the tags are on it is DISGUSTING. and apparently, since the clerk made sure to point this little piece of gross out to me, plenty of people out there are disgusting.
i'm going to write an adult themed novel of all my sexcapades titled: "lessons learned the not so hard way."
musings on debating joining the dating world actively again including: where do you meet people? GOOD people. i go out on wednesdays, go to tweet-ups (twitter get togethers for those of you unfamiliar), first fridays (a monthly community event featuring local artists at local businesses), try to go to as many things as i can fit into the schedule that i'm invited to, i go grocery shopping, i chat with people in lines, i'm at a total loss. where do you look????
back to the underwear topic, i scratched this down: to be confident in life you have to be confident in yourself. to be confident in yourself, you have to be comfortable and supported from the core up. this is a long way of saying I cleaned out my obnoxiously huge underwear drawer this weekend. (what is it with me and underwear lately?)
the start of HUGE blog posts like this: when I was in high school I was shoved into a myriad of counseling offices. one of those happened to be the youth pastor at out church at the time. the same one that made me announce to the whole youth group that i was pregnant because he didnt want them hearing rumors at school. he has since left the ministry to become a computer tech. but he was such a great leader.
one of the meeting I had with him he asked what I was going to do when I grew up. in my teen angst I replied: if growing up means being like you, i'm never going to grow up.
if i could capture ALL my thoughts for just one day, i'd have blog material for a year. always have the best ideas/perfect sentences when i don't have something to write on OR i can't write fast enough to capture it the way it was in my head.
i'm going to start an underwear rental company called: "we've got you covered" and rent out underwear for special occasions. why? because finding out places like ross will take back underwear and sell it again as long as the tags are on it is DISGUSTING. and apparently, since the clerk made sure to point this little piece of gross out to me, plenty of people out there are disgusting.
i'm going to write an adult themed novel of all my sexcapades titled: "lessons learned the not so hard way."
musings on debating joining the dating world actively again including: where do you meet people? GOOD people. i go out on wednesdays, go to tweet-ups (twitter get togethers for those of you unfamiliar), first fridays (a monthly community event featuring local artists at local businesses), try to go to as many things as i can fit into the schedule that i'm invited to, i go grocery shopping, i chat with people in lines, i'm at a total loss. where do you look????
back to the underwear topic, i scratched this down: to be confident in life you have to be confident in yourself. to be confident in yourself, you have to be comfortable and supported from the core up. this is a long way of saying I cleaned out my obnoxiously huge underwear drawer this weekend. (what is it with me and underwear lately?)
the start of HUGE blog posts like this: when I was in high school I was shoved into a myriad of counseling offices. one of those happened to be the youth pastor at out church at the time. the same one that made me announce to the whole youth group that i was pregnant because he didnt want them hearing rumors at school. he has since left the ministry to become a computer tech. but he was such a great leader.
one of the meeting I had with him he asked what I was going to do when I grew up. in my teen angst I replied: if growing up means being like you, i'm never going to grow up.
now,
I realize the error in my statement. I eventually did "grow up" in the
sense that I have kids, a house, a dog, responsibilities. but at the
same time, I haven't grown up because I'm not the one to kill dreams and
ridicule people an make them feel terrible about themselves. ESPECIALLY
teenagers. <
so, you can see, lack of material isn't the issue right now.
i've been making BIG life changes that deserve to be written about, i've been working through things the RIGHT ways, learning, trying to improve myself...so, why haven't I been able to write?
i want to lie and say: gee, i have no clue.
truth is i know EXACTLY what's stopping me.
see, one of the big changes i made recently was leaving one of my jobs. i know it was the best decision for me BUT i'm not resolved in how it ended. it's been rattling around up in my head whether to leave well enough alone or go back and work on a better ending. i keep thinking that i took the easy way out- i only listed the reasons for leaving that rocked the boat the least, i didn't get into any of the meat of the issue. i don't like feeling dishonest, and i guess that's the best description for how i feel.
it's one of the strange little triggers i've been seeing in myself lately- i'm fighting SO HARD not to be my mom- i truly loathe every. single. thing. about her. but i fight so hard to be as different as i can that it can actually cause more problems.
one of the things i HATE the most is how she just sticks her head in the sand and ignores issues. pretend it never happened, ignore it long enough and people will quit talking about it. it drives me up a wall to see her do this over and over, so when i see myself doing something that even barely resembles it, i rebel and want to just pick and dig to make sure i didn't ignore ANYTHING or quit without giving a FULL effort. neither is a good approach to problems. i need to find balance somewhere in the middle. sometimes it's best to leave things alone. it really can be just a stupid pride issue and leaving it alone won't hurt anything besides my stupid little ego. sometimes there's some things that just. need. said. it can be an opportunity to help other people grow and if i'm thinking it, general logic says 3 other people are too and one of us needs to speak up and put a voice to it.
so am i actually feeling dishonest? am i just suffering from bruised pride? is it an issue better left alone? i'm working through it but it's taking up the main chunk of brain power right now and blocking the flow of much else.
speaking of triggers though, i'm learning quite a bit from the renew you course- tonight brought up another of my triggers and i was able to catch myself and think through and reason through my reaction- so there's little bit of pulling the head out of the ass going on.
tonight it was about "should-ing" myself. the last video worked through the 7 areas that we need to focus on and make sure we're dedicating time to in order to take better care of our mind for better experiences including being happier, healthier and more productive.
i worked through the list of 7 things, looked at the last 24 hours and which of those i had managed to do then looked at the last week, found the strengths, the gaps for improvement- you get the idea.
well, one of the 7 things of course is sleep health (which i obviously rock at, as i write this at 1230 at night). part of sleep time is sleep hygiene. so then i looked into the "proper sleep habits" of sleep hygiene.
are you starting to guess the spiral?
here's things i SHOULD be doing: SHOULD be getting 8-10 hours of sleep, SHOULD be avoiding naps, alcohol 4-6 hours before bed, caffeine 4-6 hours before bed, sugar, spice, heavy food for 4-6 hours before bed, exercise, but not before bed, have the proper bedding, bed is only for sex and sleep- no reading, writing, music, tv...
the spiral just kept growing and i started getting overwhelmed and added to the list of SHOULD:
SHOULD be making home cooked meals every night.
SHOULD have a spotless clean house
SHOULD be doing homework and bedtime stories every night
SHOULD be working out daily
SHOULD be doing proper make up and skin care and grooming routine
SHOULD be maintaining craft/creative time
SHOULD be maintaining time with friends
SHOULD be making time for a partner./relationship
SHOULD be taking the kids to sports and extra curricular activities
SHOULD be volunteering at the schools or in the community...
and then i wrote out the SHOULD timeline:
proper sleep: 10pm to 6am
work: 9am-4pm (8:30-4:30 with commute)
cut off for alcohol, food, caffeine: 4-6 pm so dinner ASAP after work
SO- after work and sleep i SHOULD be squeezing all the other list of SHOULD plus the new things i'm learning in...what...2.5 hours in the morning and 4 hours in the evenings? that's a LOT of stuff to fit in a small window.
and i sat back and looked at all the SHOULD and started getting SO MAD. i'm already a failure at enough things, now i look at all the SHOULD and realize how exponential my failures are. and i just wanted to reject all of it, INSTANTLY.
SCREW YOU. i don't want to even try to be healthy if means all that stress of SHOULD. how fucking boring would it be to live that way? you're so busy trying to be proper and healthy you have no time to LIVE. and fuck it all if life doesn't fly by fast enough on it's own to waste so much time on SHIT. pure SHIT. boring fucking life- getting up, going to work, checking off the list of should, and back to the beginning again. FUCK THAT.
knee jerk reaction was to walk away from all of it in a big pissy rage of FUCK YOU.
then i stopped. and realized i was throwing the baby out with the bath water.
fuck. regroup.
look at it again. ok. so. maybe that list of 7 things is more of a sliding scale. we need all 7 parts to maintain a healthy self, but we don't HAVE to hit all 7 every single day. maybe it's more like a sliding scale of proportions-
yesterday i managed to hit 4 of the seven on the list and today was a pretty good day. today i've managed to hit 5 of the things on the list, we'll see how tomorrow goes, maybe it's only a 2 day. bottom line is i'm aware of all the pieces, aware of their importance, and aware that i need to make an effort to get to as many as i can. the world WON'T end if i don't hit them all. i'm not a failure as long as i keep trying and remembering they're there. the instructor keeps saying: imperfect actions. it's true. i'm never going to be the textbook idea of "perfect" but as long as i keep making imperfect actions i'm doing something right.
so that's something. i'm also learning to recognize each of the 7 parts and how to tell when one of them needs more attention or the proportional scale is getting out of balance. i talked to the instructor about it tonight- it's like a diet- you can eat all of one thing for a while, but eventually your body will tell you when it's missing/needing something. same with your mind- it will let you know when you need more in person connections, more sleep, more down time, more creative time, more physical time- AS LONG AS YOU'RE LISTENING for it. you eat salad for a week and suddenly you crave steak- your body is telling you there's a protein part missing. same with your mind- you can spend a week in intense work, or intense creating or only meditating- pretty soon you'll start to think maybe a night out is a good idea, or maybe it's time to take on a new project, maybe you'll be unable to avoid a nap- your mind will let you know how to balance out the scale again.
so- learning not to knee jerk, learning balance, learning to tune into what's missing or out of balance. it's almost like i'm becoming a REAL grown up. scary thought, isn't it? those don't seem like BIG things, but they're already making a difference. there was also one other big break through about breaking patterns and learning how to get out of a rut i've been stuck in for the last...oh...15 years, but that's a whole other post after i've worked out a bit more of the grit on that one.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
universe: 1 billion, me: 0
did you ever have one of those days where it just seemed like the universe was plotting against you from the moment you woke up?
i know it isn't real, it's all in perspective, but when you feel like you've been knocked flat on your ass the perspective is a little skewed.
the last few nights have been dreams of being chased by a serial killer- perhaps too many crime shows. couple that with insomnia and a dog that sleeps all day and is restless at night- you have a damn shitty start to a tuesday.
i woke up early this morning, had to drive the big spawn to school so his cigar box banjo wouldn't get damaged on the bus- no, i don't understand the logic of it either. school is at 8, i don't have to be to work until 9 even though they're only a few blocks apart. told him i would wake up, shower, run him to school then come home to get ready, PLEASE be ready to go so i have time between trips to get ready. he decided to sleep in and take a shower right before me. being a teenager, a shower isn't complete until ALL the hot water is gone. so there's me, in all my grumpy insomniatic serial killer dream glory, add in a cold shower. now add in SHITTY roads for not one but TWO trips across town (school, then work).
i pulled my shit together for work, took calls, didn't drive my coworker TOO nuts (that i know of anyway) until about 1:27 when i got a call from the small spawn school counselor.
sometimes the straw that breaks the camels back isn't a single straw, it's a whole fucking harvest full of bales.
the counselor was calling about getting help started for the small spawn.
YES, getting help STARTED.
because, you know, i haven't been fighting to get him help EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. YEAR.
long story short: they want to put him in the "resource room."
back in my day the "resource room" was called "special ed."
they want to take the small spawn out of standardized learning with typical learning students and place him in a classroom of moderate to severe special needs kids.
because of his speech and reading.
the two programs i have been FIGHTING to get him help for.
he's been in speech therapy since he was 2. he started in district 81, THE SAME DISTRICT HE'S IN NOW with speech therapy BEFORE kindergarten. every year he's been placed in speech and reading intervention. every year they removed him from the programs when he "reached the level of his peers and was disqualified for additional resource assistance."
EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. i asked about dyslexia.
they told me it was age typical. they told me he was fine, he'd grow out of it. they told me they would keep an eye on it.
guess why they want to test him and put him in the "resource room"?
because he has abnormal speech patterns, confuses/changes his letters and words still, and hasn't mastered the sight words typical of his age.
YOU MEAN DYSLEXIA?
last spring i had a meeting with his classroom teacher, the speech teacher, the reading teacher, and the school counselor. don't even get me started about how it was the END of the year before they listened to me asking for help and classroom intervention.
LAST YEAR we discussed a 504 plan to give the small spawn extra time during testing, additional help, and accommodations for other things (math word problems) that involved reading. I SIGNED THE DOCUMENT LAST SPRING.
december 10th this year i went in for a parent teacher conference.
there was NO record of a 504 plan. there was NO record of previous speech/reading intervention even though he's been doing it EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. since pre-k. there was no mention in his file of aspergers. there was no mention of every. single. fucking. conversation. that i've had EVERY. YEAR. with EVERY. TEACHER. about how to help him succeed in class.
NOTHING. not a single fucking thing in his file.
where did FOUR years worth of information go?
as soon as i mentioned aspergers to THIS teacher she lit up, changed her whole perspective on the small spawn. see...she has a son with aspergers. SHE GETS IT. the one fucking year i didn't go in before school started to talk to the teacher. the one year i thought they had a plan in his file. the ONE FUCKING YEAR someone gets it and we've wasted half the school year already.
and now they want to start all over, test him, pull him out of the standardized class room and make everything a million times worse.
he's finally making friends. he's OFF THE CHARTS smart in math, science and history. he's never been a discipline problem in the classroom, he's always the first to help. he LOVES school. he LOVES learning. and now they want to break all that, in the middle of the year, and place him in a segregated classroom? TO HELP HIM?
and i don't know what to do. if they test him and he "passes" he'll be pulled out of class (supposedly only after my approval). if he "fails" the tests then there's no other resources to help him since he's already tried them all.
i can't afford tutors. i can't afford outside classes or learning centers.
i've been beating myself up since he started school at my own inability to help him. ME, with the fucking literature degree can't even help my own son read. i haven't figured out how to teach him something that always came to easy to me.
i sat down and read with him tonight- the "big nate" books i got him for christmas. he can read hyphenated words across line breaks. he can sight read words like "relationship", "omen", "backboard", "according" but he trips over "it" and "was" and "day".
where would you even start? he can do complex math problems (for his age) but still gets b and d confused and puts his shoes on the wrong feet.
and so i research and read and i do what i always do when i have a problem: try to find a logical solution or step to take.
go ahead. google dyslexia. see if you can find a concrete learning plan or suggestion. see if you can find anything other than "there's no explanation or cure for it."
one of the most common learning problems and all they can say is: "yup. it happens. doesn't mean you're not smart. just means you process things differently."
WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK.
you win the captain obvious award for the day.
so i search iphone apps- there's has to be SOMETHING, right? somewhere to start?
105 apps pull up under a search for "dyslexia".
very few have more than a 2 start rating. most of those are typing tutors or apps that do NOTHING once you've installed them.
the khan academy is focused on math and sciences.
we've tried having the older spawn help (that's a TRAIN WRECK).
we've tried leap pad (didn't hold his attention).
we've tried study buddies at school (bully problems, he doesn't want to go anymore).
we've tried campus kids (interaction with a college student/mentor: cool, no help).
we've done reading intervention (kicked him out when he reached the level of his peers, then he digressed).
we've done flash cards (he gets frustrated too quickly).
we've done reading practice (we both get frustrated too quickly).
we've done wii/gameboy games (they're not fun like the other games available).
now what?
no really. i have no ideas left.
so. yeah, tuesday: you win.
but i will be back. i WILL find an answer. fuck you district 81. i WILL find help for my son.
i know it isn't real, it's all in perspective, but when you feel like you've been knocked flat on your ass the perspective is a little skewed.
the last few nights have been dreams of being chased by a serial killer- perhaps too many crime shows. couple that with insomnia and a dog that sleeps all day and is restless at night- you have a damn shitty start to a tuesday.
i woke up early this morning, had to drive the big spawn to school so his cigar box banjo wouldn't get damaged on the bus- no, i don't understand the logic of it either. school is at 8, i don't have to be to work until 9 even though they're only a few blocks apart. told him i would wake up, shower, run him to school then come home to get ready, PLEASE be ready to go so i have time between trips to get ready. he decided to sleep in and take a shower right before me. being a teenager, a shower isn't complete until ALL the hot water is gone. so there's me, in all my grumpy insomniatic serial killer dream glory, add in a cold shower. now add in SHITTY roads for not one but TWO trips across town (school, then work).
i pulled my shit together for work, took calls, didn't drive my coworker TOO nuts (that i know of anyway) until about 1:27 when i got a call from the small spawn school counselor.
sometimes the straw that breaks the camels back isn't a single straw, it's a whole fucking harvest full of bales.
the counselor was calling about getting help started for the small spawn.
YES, getting help STARTED.
because, you know, i haven't been fighting to get him help EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. YEAR.
long story short: they want to put him in the "resource room."
back in my day the "resource room" was called "special ed."
they want to take the small spawn out of standardized learning with typical learning students and place him in a classroom of moderate to severe special needs kids.
because of his speech and reading.
the two programs i have been FIGHTING to get him help for.
he's been in speech therapy since he was 2. he started in district 81, THE SAME DISTRICT HE'S IN NOW with speech therapy BEFORE kindergarten. every year he's been placed in speech and reading intervention. every year they removed him from the programs when he "reached the level of his peers and was disqualified for additional resource assistance."
EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. i asked about dyslexia.
they told me it was age typical. they told me he was fine, he'd grow out of it. they told me they would keep an eye on it.
guess why they want to test him and put him in the "resource room"?
because he has abnormal speech patterns, confuses/changes his letters and words still, and hasn't mastered the sight words typical of his age.
YOU MEAN DYSLEXIA?
last spring i had a meeting with his classroom teacher, the speech teacher, the reading teacher, and the school counselor. don't even get me started about how it was the END of the year before they listened to me asking for help and classroom intervention.
LAST YEAR we discussed a 504 plan to give the small spawn extra time during testing, additional help, and accommodations for other things (math word problems) that involved reading. I SIGNED THE DOCUMENT LAST SPRING.
december 10th this year i went in for a parent teacher conference.
there was NO record of a 504 plan. there was NO record of previous speech/reading intervention even though he's been doing it EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. since pre-k. there was no mention in his file of aspergers. there was no mention of every. single. fucking. conversation. that i've had EVERY. YEAR. with EVERY. TEACHER. about how to help him succeed in class.
NOTHING. not a single fucking thing in his file.
where did FOUR years worth of information go?
as soon as i mentioned aspergers to THIS teacher she lit up, changed her whole perspective on the small spawn. see...she has a son with aspergers. SHE GETS IT. the one fucking year i didn't go in before school started to talk to the teacher. the one year i thought they had a plan in his file. the ONE FUCKING YEAR someone gets it and we've wasted half the school year already.
and now they want to start all over, test him, pull him out of the standardized class room and make everything a million times worse.
he's finally making friends. he's OFF THE CHARTS smart in math, science and history. he's never been a discipline problem in the classroom, he's always the first to help. he LOVES school. he LOVES learning. and now they want to break all that, in the middle of the year, and place him in a segregated classroom? TO HELP HIM?
and i don't know what to do. if they test him and he "passes" he'll be pulled out of class (supposedly only after my approval). if he "fails" the tests then there's no other resources to help him since he's already tried them all.
i can't afford tutors. i can't afford outside classes or learning centers.
i've been beating myself up since he started school at my own inability to help him. ME, with the fucking literature degree can't even help my own son read. i haven't figured out how to teach him something that always came to easy to me.
i sat down and read with him tonight- the "big nate" books i got him for christmas. he can read hyphenated words across line breaks. he can sight read words like "relationship", "omen", "backboard", "according" but he trips over "it" and "was" and "day".
where would you even start? he can do complex math problems (for his age) but still gets b and d confused and puts his shoes on the wrong feet.
and so i research and read and i do what i always do when i have a problem: try to find a logical solution or step to take.
go ahead. google dyslexia. see if you can find a concrete learning plan or suggestion. see if you can find anything other than "there's no explanation or cure for it."
one of the most common learning problems and all they can say is: "yup. it happens. doesn't mean you're not smart. just means you process things differently."
WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK.
you win the captain obvious award for the day.
so i search iphone apps- there's has to be SOMETHING, right? somewhere to start?
105 apps pull up under a search for "dyslexia".
very few have more than a 2 start rating. most of those are typing tutors or apps that do NOTHING once you've installed them.
the khan academy is focused on math and sciences.
we've tried having the older spawn help (that's a TRAIN WRECK).
we've tried leap pad (didn't hold his attention).
we've tried study buddies at school (bully problems, he doesn't want to go anymore).
we've tried campus kids (interaction with a college student/mentor: cool, no help).
we've done reading intervention (kicked him out when he reached the level of his peers, then he digressed).
we've done flash cards (he gets frustrated too quickly).
we've done reading practice (we both get frustrated too quickly).
we've done wii/gameboy games (they're not fun like the other games available).
now what?
no really. i have no ideas left.
so. yeah, tuesday: you win.
but i will be back. i WILL find an answer. fuck you district 81. i WILL find help for my son.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
writers block
i don't like to think of myself as a one track mind person. i would like to think of myself as this more evolved being that can set aside one problem and work on several other things- you know, the back burner theory.
the older i get, the more i find myself fixated on one problem at a time, dog on a bone, not letting go until it's fixed.
what do you do when the thing you're fixated on isn't something you're really game to talk about?
if you end up like me, you're staring at a giant pile of writers block.
welcome to my week.
i'm not one to shy away from airing dirty laundry. i'm not one to shy away from revealing (usually embarrassing) personal details of my life. there are some things however that are *shockingly* off limits to me.
unusual concept.
so instead, it ends up being trivial dribble vomiting out in some sad attempt to strike another vein of writing or venting or giving voice to thought.
does anyone else hear the jeopardy theme song right now?
i've been addicted to the tv show numb3rs lately- if you're not familiar, the FBI uses a math specialist to formulate all sorts of fancy algorithms to solve crimes. i understand less than half the show, can't stand a few of the main characters, but i'm still somehow totally addicted. the main character, whatever his name is, has a certain flaw that drives me NUTS: it ALWAYS looks like he has a dip in his lip. something about the way he talks, the way his mouth is shaped, i don't know, but it always looks like he's half a can of skoal in.
GROSS.
i hate chew. loathe. it smells like an old first aid kit to me. always has. back in the days of marriage he chewed- always disgusted me.
more disturbing: i've run into more and more women lately who chew. I GET IT- it's not that much different from smoking. what's the difference between a guy and a girl smoking? so what's the difference between a guy and a girl chewing?
it's GROSS for both, but there's something even just an edge beyond about women chewing. maybe i'm sexist about some things. i'm ok with that. seeing a guy with a skoal ring in his jeans is one thing. seeing a girl with a skoal ring? no thanks. seeing a guy with a spitter in a bar? thanks for not spitting on the floor at least. seeing a girl with a spitter? ew. seriously, just ew. never understood it, never will.
went out to a western bar out in the valley last week called the roadhouse. yes, patrick swayze lives on. this place is almost as bad as the before. packed full of every horrible stereotype eastern washington/northern idaho is known for. everything from real cowboys in their dirty baseball hats and worn out ropers to the city slickers in their polished stetsons and never scratched tony lamas. CAN'T MAKE THIS UP: saw a girl with a mudflap girl tramp stamp tattoo. nothing says super sexy like a mudflap girl right there in the middle of her buckle bunny back. you know what i mean when i say buckle bunny, right? take your typical bar fly, put her in pigtails, too tight jeans, some kind of tied up flannel/plaid shirt, add a crappy cowboy hat, and she'll be going home with the biggest belt buckle in the bar ever. single. night. the bartenders are typical bitches that ignore everyone but their friends or whomever happens to be yelling the loudest, the drinks are overpriced, the way the bar is run is sketchy at best, and the dj (dj camo) is playing the WORST mix of country music possible AND repeating half the songs by the time the night is over. the bar, of course, wouldn't be complete without a mechanical bull oh so cleverly named "yo mama" again- CAN'T MAKE THIS UP. unfortunately, there's enough business to keep this place open at least a little while, even as bad as it is.
THE POINT- there is a point. saw more WOMEN with chew in one night than i've ever seen. EVER. spitters were left on our table by people heading to the bathroom who were *gag* scraping the dip out of their lip and throwing it on the floor as they walked by.
i'm a country girl. correction: i'm a rural girl. grew up in a small town. bought my first pair of boots in high school. i was never a farm girl, never a ranch girl, purely one of the people that just liked to wear the clothes. had the high waisted wranglers, the keyhole cut out sleeveless shirts, the boots- this was back in the day when i had a midriff that didn't look TERRIBLE if it happened to peek out a little- not that it had much chance with those jeans. i went to work at a power plant where jeans and boots were required work wear. to this day my boots are still my most comfortable shoes, even when half the uppers on my favorite pair were chewed off by a dog years ago (the design was discontinued so i can't get new/replacement ones). i've never milked a cow, i've never bucked a bale, i've never shot/killed/skinned/cooked my own meat. i have no idea how to churn butter or cook a meal for 18 farmhands or if farm life actually is different than it is in the Farmer Boy book.
so maybe i'm missing a legit part of country life. maybe there's something real farm girls know that i don't. i'm a city slicker. i'd rather read books that muck a horse stall. the idea of crawling up in a hayloft with a cowboy while a BIT inciting is outweighed by the idea of how many spiders there are and how itchy the hay would be. whatever it is i'm missing, I'M OK WITH THAT when it comes to chew. i'm good. ya'll can keep your long cut death in a can to yourselves.
SEE, this is what happens when you hit writers block. a rambling diatribe on how i'm not a country girl and i hate chew.
i'm off to drink a glass of pasteurized, processed, sanitized, chemically enhanced milk now. i've seen what happens when you drink milk straight out of the cow. i'll save that for when i REALLY need to lose 20 pounds in one day.
the older i get, the more i find myself fixated on one problem at a time, dog on a bone, not letting go until it's fixed.
what do you do when the thing you're fixated on isn't something you're really game to talk about?
if you end up like me, you're staring at a giant pile of writers block.
welcome to my week.
i'm not one to shy away from airing dirty laundry. i'm not one to shy away from revealing (usually embarrassing) personal details of my life. there are some things however that are *shockingly* off limits to me.
unusual concept.
so instead, it ends up being trivial dribble vomiting out in some sad attempt to strike another vein of writing or venting or giving voice to thought.
does anyone else hear the jeopardy theme song right now?
i've been addicted to the tv show numb3rs lately- if you're not familiar, the FBI uses a math specialist to formulate all sorts of fancy algorithms to solve crimes. i understand less than half the show, can't stand a few of the main characters, but i'm still somehow totally addicted. the main character, whatever his name is, has a certain flaw that drives me NUTS: it ALWAYS looks like he has a dip in his lip. something about the way he talks, the way his mouth is shaped, i don't know, but it always looks like he's half a can of skoal in.
GROSS.
i hate chew. loathe. it smells like an old first aid kit to me. always has. back in the days of marriage he chewed- always disgusted me.
more disturbing: i've run into more and more women lately who chew. I GET IT- it's not that much different from smoking. what's the difference between a guy and a girl smoking? so what's the difference between a guy and a girl chewing?
it's GROSS for both, but there's something even just an edge beyond about women chewing. maybe i'm sexist about some things. i'm ok with that. seeing a guy with a skoal ring in his jeans is one thing. seeing a girl with a skoal ring? no thanks. seeing a guy with a spitter in a bar? thanks for not spitting on the floor at least. seeing a girl with a spitter? ew. seriously, just ew. never understood it, never will.
went out to a western bar out in the valley last week called the roadhouse. yes, patrick swayze lives on. this place is almost as bad as the before. packed full of every horrible stereotype eastern washington/northern idaho is known for. everything from real cowboys in their dirty baseball hats and worn out ropers to the city slickers in their polished stetsons and never scratched tony lamas. CAN'T MAKE THIS UP: saw a girl with a mudflap girl tramp stamp tattoo. nothing says super sexy like a mudflap girl right there in the middle of her buckle bunny back. you know what i mean when i say buckle bunny, right? take your typical bar fly, put her in pigtails, too tight jeans, some kind of tied up flannel/plaid shirt, add a crappy cowboy hat, and she'll be going home with the biggest belt buckle in the bar ever. single. night. the bartenders are typical bitches that ignore everyone but their friends or whomever happens to be yelling the loudest, the drinks are overpriced, the way the bar is run is sketchy at best, and the dj (dj camo) is playing the WORST mix of country music possible AND repeating half the songs by the time the night is over. the bar, of course, wouldn't be complete without a mechanical bull oh so cleverly named "yo mama" again- CAN'T MAKE THIS UP. unfortunately, there's enough business to keep this place open at least a little while, even as bad as it is.
THE POINT- there is a point. saw more WOMEN with chew in one night than i've ever seen. EVER. spitters were left on our table by people heading to the bathroom who were *gag* scraping the dip out of their lip and throwing it on the floor as they walked by.
i'm a country girl. correction: i'm a rural girl. grew up in a small town. bought my first pair of boots in high school. i was never a farm girl, never a ranch girl, purely one of the people that just liked to wear the clothes. had the high waisted wranglers, the keyhole cut out sleeveless shirts, the boots- this was back in the day when i had a midriff that didn't look TERRIBLE if it happened to peek out a little- not that it had much chance with those jeans. i went to work at a power plant where jeans and boots were required work wear. to this day my boots are still my most comfortable shoes, even when half the uppers on my favorite pair were chewed off by a dog years ago (the design was discontinued so i can't get new/replacement ones). i've never milked a cow, i've never bucked a bale, i've never shot/killed/skinned/cooked my own meat. i have no idea how to churn butter or cook a meal for 18 farmhands or if farm life actually is different than it is in the Farmer Boy book.
so maybe i'm missing a legit part of country life. maybe there's something real farm girls know that i don't. i'm a city slicker. i'd rather read books that muck a horse stall. the idea of crawling up in a hayloft with a cowboy while a BIT inciting is outweighed by the idea of how many spiders there are and how itchy the hay would be. whatever it is i'm missing, I'M OK WITH THAT when it comes to chew. i'm good. ya'll can keep your long cut death in a can to yourselves.
SEE, this is what happens when you hit writers block. a rambling diatribe on how i'm not a country girl and i hate chew.
i'm off to drink a glass of pasteurized, processed, sanitized, chemically enhanced milk now. i've seen what happens when you drink milk straight out of the cow. i'll save that for when i REALLY need to lose 20 pounds in one day.
Friday, January 18, 2013
re-learning
have you every had just a total mind blowing moment that is so simple and logical that you can't believe it's taken so long to get there?
tonight i did a web chat as part of the "renew you" sessions. it ended up that i was the only one that logged on and HOLY HELL- it was a serious mind blowing hour. it's going to take me a few days to work through all the stuff that got crammed in my brain tonight and even longer to really get a grip on it and make it part of my thinking. the biggest part for me is un-learning the BAD stuff and replacing it with this new GOOD stuff.
when it comes to learning i've always been that needs that certain key to unlock things. i can read over and over and OVER a math problem and never be able to understand it. then finally someone will say it a different way and BAM. why was that so hard? once something is unlocked just wait and see what i can do with it.
that's the way i feel about what i learned tonight.
people have drilled into my head for YEARS the fucking question i loathe the most on earth: "where do you see yourself 5 years from now?"
BITCH, PLEASE.
i have no idea what i'm doing this weekend let alone 5 years from now. and are you fucking kidding me? who the fuck can plan out 5 fucking years? or 10 years? do you have any fucking idea how fast things can change? a two minute phone call and your whole world can be knocked on it's ass and shaken like a fucking snow globe at a parkinsons convention.
making a 5 year plan is just challenging the universe to find out how many ways it can fuck you up between now and then.
tonight i was asked that same damn question and i just laughed. fuck if i know.
then it was rephrased:
"what do you want to experience most in the future?"
well HOLY FUCK. that's a total different question. but it's really not. what you want to experience most in the future? a feeling, a trip, a life change...you have to start now and work towards it. it will take time. sometimes...oh...say...a few years. maybe even 5. who knows?
what do i want to experience most in the future?
now there's a fucking question i can answer and work towards with the right tools.
the second mind blowing thought was a basic principle i've heard for a while, but i didn't actually apply it: the 80/20 rule (or the pareto principle to be fancy): roughly 80% of the results come from 20% of the effort. 80% of the work comes from 20% of the workers. 80% of the income is received by 20% of the population.
follow this- it took me a while to wrap my head around it. 80% of the time i'm content. but that other 20% - that other 20% holds 80% of true happiness.
i'm not sure i'm phrasing it right- it's one of those things that will make sense for a few minutes, but by the time i try to write it out it's gone again.
so 80% of the time i'm mostly content, plugging along, no real reason to want to make a change or rock the boat. but that other 20% of the time- that's where 80% of the change and progress and happiness making will come from.
i think that makes a little more sense. still not sure i'm getting it quite right. bottom line- when i can get to the point where i make that last 20% really start working for me and kicking out results- can you imagine that? 80% more content, happy, positive in life? that's HUGE. it's exciting. it's something to work for.
here's the biggest one- this is going to take a LOT of practice, unlearning, refocusing, just a LIST of things to achieve:
you know that voice in your head? the one that's constantly talking to you and telling you you're not good enough, that other people are judging you, that you're judging you- that stupid fucking voice that just won't quit? that voice that makes you think people are talking about you, the voice that "shoulds" you, the voice that can just tear you apart? it's in your head, so it must be your voice, right? it's your own voice telling you what's wrong with yourself and how can you argue with yourself? if it's your own voice, it must be mostly right...right?
truth: the negative voice you hear in your head is NOT you. it's an amalgam, a compilation of all the things you've heard since you were little. it's a giant pile of what you've heard FROM OTHER PEOPLE. it's what you've heard, read, assumed, learned, experienced and listened to over and over until you thought it was your own voice. it's all other people though. ALL OF IT. all these things i keep telling myself, these things i've heard and said to myself over and over- it's not me. it's all the things i've heard and believed from others.
why am i letting other people dictate what i say and think to myself? where is MY voice?
WHO WOULD I BE WITHOUT THE VOICE THAT LISTENS TO ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE?
that's a HUGE fucking question for me. who would i be if i wasn't listening to every negative thing that i've heard from every other person forever. who would i be if i listened to ME and the things that i know to be real or false?
i don't know how this works yet. i don't know how to stop listening to that voice that's been playing in my head for 32 years. i know it will be hard to unlearn the negative and start finding my own voice in there that actually likes me. what if i could quit listening to my family saying i'm not good enough? if i could quit listening to the people that have said i'm not pretty or smart or worthwhile? what if i could start hearing that i am worthwhile. that i'm enough just as i am? and beyond hearing that- truly believing it? from my own voice?
that's a big step and it will take a LOT of un-learning and selective hearing. i've been trying for years- when something like that is so ingrained in from way too many years to count- it's not an easy process.
but.
it's powerful. the idea that i don't have to listen to the negative because it's not true. it's not my voice. it's all these other voices. i've never been able to turn it off or not listen to it before because it was my own voice. finding out it's just a badly programmed recording of all these horrible outside influences- that's a whole different ballgame.
being able to honestly believe that i have found a path to start liking myself? that i've found the way to work towards truthfully, humbly, and completely being able to say: "I am enough. I am worthwhile. I am loveable."
FUCK. that's powerful. it's this overwhelming feeling. it's like coming home.
so that's what i learned and what i'll be working on. 12 more weeks of this too...i'm excited (terrified) to learn more and really start working on me and figuring shit out finally.
tonight i did a web chat as part of the "renew you" sessions. it ended up that i was the only one that logged on and HOLY HELL- it was a serious mind blowing hour. it's going to take me a few days to work through all the stuff that got crammed in my brain tonight and even longer to really get a grip on it and make it part of my thinking. the biggest part for me is un-learning the BAD stuff and replacing it with this new GOOD stuff.
when it comes to learning i've always been that needs that certain key to unlock things. i can read over and over and OVER a math problem and never be able to understand it. then finally someone will say it a different way and BAM. why was that so hard? once something is unlocked just wait and see what i can do with it.
that's the way i feel about what i learned tonight.
people have drilled into my head for YEARS the fucking question i loathe the most on earth: "where do you see yourself 5 years from now?"
BITCH, PLEASE.
i have no idea what i'm doing this weekend let alone 5 years from now. and are you fucking kidding me? who the fuck can plan out 5 fucking years? or 10 years? do you have any fucking idea how fast things can change? a two minute phone call and your whole world can be knocked on it's ass and shaken like a fucking snow globe at a parkinsons convention.
making a 5 year plan is just challenging the universe to find out how many ways it can fuck you up between now and then.
tonight i was asked that same damn question and i just laughed. fuck if i know.
then it was rephrased:
"what do you want to experience most in the future?"
well HOLY FUCK. that's a total different question. but it's really not. what you want to experience most in the future? a feeling, a trip, a life change...you have to start now and work towards it. it will take time. sometimes...oh...say...a few years. maybe even 5. who knows?
what do i want to experience most in the future?
now there's a fucking question i can answer and work towards with the right tools.
the second mind blowing thought was a basic principle i've heard for a while, but i didn't actually apply it: the 80/20 rule (or the pareto principle to be fancy): roughly 80% of the results come from 20% of the effort. 80% of the work comes from 20% of the workers. 80% of the income is received by 20% of the population.
follow this- it took me a while to wrap my head around it. 80% of the time i'm content. but that other 20% - that other 20% holds 80% of true happiness.
i'm not sure i'm phrasing it right- it's one of those things that will make sense for a few minutes, but by the time i try to write it out it's gone again.
so 80% of the time i'm mostly content, plugging along, no real reason to want to make a change or rock the boat. but that other 20% of the time- that's where 80% of the change and progress and happiness making will come from.
i think that makes a little more sense. still not sure i'm getting it quite right. bottom line- when i can get to the point where i make that last 20% really start working for me and kicking out results- can you imagine that? 80% more content, happy, positive in life? that's HUGE. it's exciting. it's something to work for.
here's the biggest one- this is going to take a LOT of practice, unlearning, refocusing, just a LIST of things to achieve:
you know that voice in your head? the one that's constantly talking to you and telling you you're not good enough, that other people are judging you, that you're judging you- that stupid fucking voice that just won't quit? that voice that makes you think people are talking about you, the voice that "shoulds" you, the voice that can just tear you apart? it's in your head, so it must be your voice, right? it's your own voice telling you what's wrong with yourself and how can you argue with yourself? if it's your own voice, it must be mostly right...right?
truth: the negative voice you hear in your head is NOT you. it's an amalgam, a compilation of all the things you've heard since you were little. it's a giant pile of what you've heard FROM OTHER PEOPLE. it's what you've heard, read, assumed, learned, experienced and listened to over and over until you thought it was your own voice. it's all other people though. ALL OF IT. all these things i keep telling myself, these things i've heard and said to myself over and over- it's not me. it's all the things i've heard and believed from others.
why am i letting other people dictate what i say and think to myself? where is MY voice?
WHO WOULD I BE WITHOUT THE VOICE THAT LISTENS TO ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE?
that's a HUGE fucking question for me. who would i be if i wasn't listening to every negative thing that i've heard from every other person forever. who would i be if i listened to ME and the things that i know to be real or false?
i don't know how this works yet. i don't know how to stop listening to that voice that's been playing in my head for 32 years. i know it will be hard to unlearn the negative and start finding my own voice in there that actually likes me. what if i could quit listening to my family saying i'm not good enough? if i could quit listening to the people that have said i'm not pretty or smart or worthwhile? what if i could start hearing that i am worthwhile. that i'm enough just as i am? and beyond hearing that- truly believing it? from my own voice?
that's a big step and it will take a LOT of un-learning and selective hearing. i've been trying for years- when something like that is so ingrained in from way too many years to count- it's not an easy process.
but.
it's powerful. the idea that i don't have to listen to the negative because it's not true. it's not my voice. it's all these other voices. i've never been able to turn it off or not listen to it before because it was my own voice. finding out it's just a badly programmed recording of all these horrible outside influences- that's a whole different ballgame.
being able to honestly believe that i have found a path to start liking myself? that i've found the way to work towards truthfully, humbly, and completely being able to say: "I am enough. I am worthwhile. I am loveable."
FUCK. that's powerful. it's this overwhelming feeling. it's like coming home.
so that's what i learned and what i'll be working on. 12 more weeks of this too...i'm excited (terrified) to learn more and really start working on me and figuring shit out finally.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
renew you
i spent a whole weekend cleaning, rearranging, painting, working on my office so i would have a space to write, yet here i am snuggled up in bed tap tap tapping away on my laptop like the crazy nuthouse i am.
at least the office looks nice.
it seems lately as if there's a LOT going on but nothing at the same time- perception is 9/10ths of the law, right? pretty sure that's right.
it seems like there's days of nothing at all followed by days like today where it's 2am and i'm just finally calling it quits on my "things to do" list. that time management thing? GOT. IT. DOWN.
more like the insomnia thing- fucking olympic professional at that shiz.
fuck. i've written and deleted four paragraphs about all different things. seems like i can't quite decide which train of thought wants to leave the station first.
we'll start here: i was invited by a friend to a "renew you" weekly class (for lack of a better word) that he's providing to work on self improvement for 2013. since that's one of the things on top of my list for the year- PERFECT TIMING. i'll do it!
here's the thing- i'm chicken shit when it comes to working on myself.
well, not really. i'm pretty damn good at recognizing my own patterns, what i'm doing, why i'm doing it, whatever cause/source is behind it. the thing i'm SHITTY at is making a change. having all the knowledge is shit if you don't actually use it.
here's what i wasn't expecting: the first "assignment" for renew you is this:
"In order to transform our lives, we first must acknowledge and bear witness to the pain that
is behind our desire to change. The questions below are designed to guide you through the
process of acknowledging the area of discomfort, concern, or pain that is most important to you
at this time."
My first thought: well, i don't really have a desire to change, there's nothing really causing pain or discomfort that i can think of...
*blink blink*
umm...do i even read my own blogs?
*sigh*
the TRUTH IS: there's plenty of things causing pain, BUT if i don't poke them, they don't hurt. right? and if i can just keep playing by those rules things are hunky dory.
i mean- how much do i really want to dig up? how many problems do i actually want to deal with? that sounds like a LOT of work. i'm TOTALLY fine the way i am...right?
crap on a cracker.
then you get into the questions for this- what is wrong? how do you talk to friends about it? how certain are you that this is the problem? what has this problem cost you? if the problem were magically solved overnight, how would life change?
and THEN we throw in the mix: what KIND of problems am i supposed to be focusing on/fixing?
i mean, i have PLENTY but need a direction first!
do we start with my self loathing? my insecurities and self value? do we jump straight for the big guns and my inability to have a healthy relationship because i don't believe anyone can actually tolerate me long enough to put in the reciprocal effort? maybe the issues stemming from the fucked up relationship with my mother? the fact that i still haven't properly dealt with the death of my brother and my father?
or are we talking about issues like: don't do laundry every weekend like i should or have a bad habit of avoiding issues that i don't want to deal with (oh the irony...perhaps that's the place to start).
i got 99 issues and picking the first one to start working on just became one.
shitballs.
do i get points for at least knowing what my issues are even if i don't want to deal with them?
looks like that train left the station just fine.what's the next one?
new years goals update: i've been working on it!
had my first dinner party sunday night- LEARNING CURVE. things that need work: learning how to invite people. i invited just enough people or so i thought. only having limited space/dishes i kept the list small but varied, sent out invites and...forgot to follow up. awesome. it ended up that almost everyone didn't make it, BUT it was still fun with the two that did! and they were lucky enough to be sent home with TONS of left overs. SO: next month- invites, calls, messages, follow up, check in, GET PEOPLE HERE. also need to work on a way to let people know that while i wish i had a mary poppins house, i can't get every one in all at once and i don't want to be repeating the same people every month. i want to get to all the people that i've been saying "we need to get together" to for MONTHS (my poor aunt probably thinks i've forgotten about her...and my old co-workers). i don't want to offend people by leaving some out, but basic numbers say that it will happen. hmmm...should have taken those "mrs." classes in college. "proper table settings" and "how to invite your husbands boss to dinner" would be handy.
cooking at home: been doing that! see the above smashing success dinner party (at least in the food category. take the wins where you can.) maybe not the HEALTHIEST foods...after all, potato soup made with whipping cream can't exactly be #1 on the weight watchers list, but it's still better than processed fast food all the time...right? at least a smidge better i hope...
working out...ha ha ha ha ha. i'll get there eventually. i AM taking better care of myself though, so that's a start. daily vitamins, eating breakfast, lunch (sometimes), and dinners. i'm working on the getting up earlier every day (tomorrow doesn't count) and being all ooo...breakfast, proper getting ready, off to work like a grown up thing.
postings- well, there was one last week, and one this week...not prolific, but steady at least.
home: we did clean out the office, my room and the spawns room. there was a HUGE stack for the local charity pick up last week. it was NICE to see it all go. i'm currently working on the garage- have managed to move a few things out, hit a few road bumps, working on getting the rest out. most of the big plans will have to wait for spring/summer, but in the mean time just keeping things up better around the house is happening, even the teenager is arguing less about doing dishes and helping keep things straightened up. MUCH easier when it's all together instead of one against 2 (and a dog...he's not doing his share. asshole.).
i'm still working on job solutions. applied for several full time/benefits jobs, a few part time no benefits but more stable/secure that could turn into full time with benefits. now it's just a waiting game...
there's a few random things left rattling around- possibly a new boy to write about (no train wreck yet, but you know it's coming). there's a long winded rant i'll get out of my system eventually about religion and whatnot. there's plenty of changes afoot...just waiting for shoes to drop.
for now- the whole "get to bed early, get up early, be a responsible adult" thing is reminding me it's overdue.
random fact: studies show that putting deodorant/anti-antiperspirant on at night before bed will help it work better the next day by helping it absorb into your system while you sleep. odd but true. now you know.
at least the office looks nice.
it seems lately as if there's a LOT going on but nothing at the same time- perception is 9/10ths of the law, right? pretty sure that's right.
it seems like there's days of nothing at all followed by days like today where it's 2am and i'm just finally calling it quits on my "things to do" list. that time management thing? GOT. IT. DOWN.
more like the insomnia thing- fucking olympic professional at that shiz.
fuck. i've written and deleted four paragraphs about all different things. seems like i can't quite decide which train of thought wants to leave the station first.
we'll start here: i was invited by a friend to a "renew you" weekly class (for lack of a better word) that he's providing to work on self improvement for 2013. since that's one of the things on top of my list for the year- PERFECT TIMING. i'll do it!
here's the thing- i'm chicken shit when it comes to working on myself.
well, not really. i'm pretty damn good at recognizing my own patterns, what i'm doing, why i'm doing it, whatever cause/source is behind it. the thing i'm SHITTY at is making a change. having all the knowledge is shit if you don't actually use it.
here's what i wasn't expecting: the first "assignment" for renew you is this:
"In order to transform our lives, we first must acknowledge and bear witness to the pain that
is behind our desire to change. The questions below are designed to guide you through the
process of acknowledging the area of discomfort, concern, or pain that is most important to you
at this time."
My first thought: well, i don't really have a desire to change, there's nothing really causing pain or discomfort that i can think of...
*blink blink*
umm...do i even read my own blogs?
*sigh*
the TRUTH IS: there's plenty of things causing pain, BUT if i don't poke them, they don't hurt. right? and if i can just keep playing by those rules things are hunky dory.
i mean- how much do i really want to dig up? how many problems do i actually want to deal with? that sounds like a LOT of work. i'm TOTALLY fine the way i am...right?
crap on a cracker.
then you get into the questions for this- what is wrong? how do you talk to friends about it? how certain are you that this is the problem? what has this problem cost you? if the problem were magically solved overnight, how would life change?
and THEN we throw in the mix: what KIND of problems am i supposed to be focusing on/fixing?
i mean, i have PLENTY but need a direction first!
do we start with my self loathing? my insecurities and self value? do we jump straight for the big guns and my inability to have a healthy relationship because i don't believe anyone can actually tolerate me long enough to put in the reciprocal effort? maybe the issues stemming from the fucked up relationship with my mother? the fact that i still haven't properly dealt with the death of my brother and my father?
or are we talking about issues like: don't do laundry every weekend like i should or have a bad habit of avoiding issues that i don't want to deal with (oh the irony...perhaps that's the place to start).
i got 99 issues and picking the first one to start working on just became one.
shitballs.
do i get points for at least knowing what my issues are even if i don't want to deal with them?
looks like that train left the station just fine.what's the next one?
new years goals update: i've been working on it!
had my first dinner party sunday night- LEARNING CURVE. things that need work: learning how to invite people. i invited just enough people or so i thought. only having limited space/dishes i kept the list small but varied, sent out invites and...forgot to follow up. awesome. it ended up that almost everyone didn't make it, BUT it was still fun with the two that did! and they were lucky enough to be sent home with TONS of left overs. SO: next month- invites, calls, messages, follow up, check in, GET PEOPLE HERE. also need to work on a way to let people know that while i wish i had a mary poppins house, i can't get every one in all at once and i don't want to be repeating the same people every month. i want to get to all the people that i've been saying "we need to get together" to for MONTHS (my poor aunt probably thinks i've forgotten about her...and my old co-workers). i don't want to offend people by leaving some out, but basic numbers say that it will happen. hmmm...should have taken those "mrs." classes in college. "proper table settings" and "how to invite your husbands boss to dinner" would be handy.
cooking at home: been doing that! see the above smashing success dinner party (at least in the food category. take the wins where you can.) maybe not the HEALTHIEST foods...after all, potato soup made with whipping cream can't exactly be #1 on the weight watchers list, but it's still better than processed fast food all the time...right? at least a smidge better i hope...
working out...ha ha ha ha ha. i'll get there eventually. i AM taking better care of myself though, so that's a start. daily vitamins, eating breakfast, lunch (sometimes), and dinners. i'm working on the getting up earlier every day (tomorrow doesn't count) and being all ooo...breakfast, proper getting ready, off to work like a grown up thing.
postings- well, there was one last week, and one this week...not prolific, but steady at least.
home: we did clean out the office, my room and the spawns room. there was a HUGE stack for the local charity pick up last week. it was NICE to see it all go. i'm currently working on the garage- have managed to move a few things out, hit a few road bumps, working on getting the rest out. most of the big plans will have to wait for spring/summer, but in the mean time just keeping things up better around the house is happening, even the teenager is arguing less about doing dishes and helping keep things straightened up. MUCH easier when it's all together instead of one against 2 (and a dog...he's not doing his share. asshole.).
i'm still working on job solutions. applied for several full time/benefits jobs, a few part time no benefits but more stable/secure that could turn into full time with benefits. now it's just a waiting game...
there's a few random things left rattling around- possibly a new boy to write about (no train wreck yet, but you know it's coming). there's a long winded rant i'll get out of my system eventually about religion and whatnot. there's plenty of changes afoot...just waiting for shoes to drop.
for now- the whole "get to bed early, get up early, be a responsible adult" thing is reminding me it's overdue.
random fact: studies show that putting deodorant/anti-antiperspirant on at night before bed will help it work better the next day by helping it absorb into your system while you sleep. odd but true. now you know.
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