long story short

it's been a rough several months at home.
back in May things started getting difficult with my 15 year old son.

it hasn't improved.

lying, stealing, running away, draining $2k from a bank account, picking fights, skipping school, confrontations with teachers and police officers, court hearing, contempt of court hearing, suicide threats, drug use, alcohol use, tobacco use, abuse accusations, verbal and emotional attacks, self-harm to attempt to seek placement outside the house...the list grows almost daily.

the police have been to our home countless times. i have been investigated by the courts, CPS, questioned by police, commissioners, advocates, counselors.

we are utilizing the juvenile court systems, court appointed counseling programs, community resources, school resources, friends, family.

i have knocked on every door and called every phone number provided.

things are bad.

things are really bad.

on october 19th i removed my son from the house for both of our safety. he's staying with relatives while i try to figure out what comes next.

it's been an adjustment. the learning curve is HUGE. there's so many parts and pieces and contributing factors. there's work and cooperation necessary for improvement that don't seem like they'll happen any time soon.

i'm lost. i'm bewildered. i'm sad. i'm worried. i'm grieving. i'm...i'm a hot mess express most days. my apartment has been stress cleaned *almost* to white glove inspection standards.

BUT.

silver lining, i guess, if that's a thing: i'm learning a LOT about myself through this process. i'm learning how to stand up for myself. i'm setting personal boundaries and sticking to them. i'm learning to listen. i'm learning to give trust and to ask for trust. i'm learning that if you ask for help, there's people ready and waiting who WANT to help. i'm learning to utilize people with better resources and experience. i'm learning to stay calm, be steadfast. i'm learning not to take things personally, even when they're meant to be EXTREMELY, intentionally, targeted personal attacks. i'm growing and opening up. finally. now that i'm almost 40 i'm learning some really basic stuff. I'M NOT SHAMING MYSELF. i'm acknowledging that, while behind the times, i'm finally catching up. i'm finally dealing with some really, really old trauma that still has claws. i'm learning to set aside old useless weights, change my thinking, my inner monologue. i'm learning to be kind to myself and maybe even like myself a little.

growth and change is never easy or fun. it's messy and usually painful. it's like cleaning out my house: it gets worse before it gets better, it's easy to get overwhelmed by how much there is to do, but in the end, it's worth the work.

flashback

on december 13, 2003 i loaded up a uhaul truck and moved into apartment 13.

it was the first step in leaving a domestic violence marriage. 

it's been a lot of years and work and recovery since then.

remembering that i'm not required to wear make up to leave the house.

remembering that i'm not a piece of trash if i carry/wear my purse in a grocery store instead of putting it in the cart.

knowing that i'm not a stuck up whore for being proud that i graduated from college.

not being ashamed for having sexual desires.

not always being afraid of saying the wrong thing.

not trying to keep everything as perfect and smooth as possible because anything less would cause trouble.

not being on edge every time the phone rings and panicking if you don't answer fast enough because accusations will follow.

i've learned that i can talk about things that bother me in a relationship with out being berated and verbally descimated.

i've learned that i can stand up for myself without being threatened.

i was lucky in some ways. i was never hit. i was never put in the hospital. i never had to hide bruises or marks.

in other ways...bruises heal faster than the words in your head go away.

it's been nearly 15 years.

i've worked so hard to not let fear be my first instinct when things go wrong.

i've worked so hard to unlearn the words. to unlearn the reactions. to unlearn the cycle.

i've worked so hard to break the cycle. to not let myself get caught in it again.

i've stopped texting guys because the language and the tone was too familiar. i've broken off relationships because i heard phrases that triggered me. i've refused to shack up with anyone over the years to keep my family safe and keep my boys away from that lifestyle.

i didn't want them to learn abuse.

and yet, here we are.

things have been bad lately. they've actually been bad for a while. they've been really bad for the last few months.

i have a court appointment in the morning with juvenile court to try to get help for my son before things completely get out of control.

there's been lying, stealing, drug abuse, alcohol.

there's been run away reports and more calls to the local police department than i ever thought i'd have to make.

there's been threats, accusations, demands and verbal abuse.

at the lowest point, so far, my own son screamed at me as he was leaving that he was going to try to intentionally overdose that night as a final fuck you to me.

and then, a few days later, things are seemingly back to normal.

he came home, we went back to school shopping, did chores around the house, we even went to the theaters and watched a movie together.

but it's not normal.

and i know this feeling. it's been 15 years since i've felt this feeling, but i knew it instantly, intimately.

things are not normal. there is a storm back building. i'm not walking on egg shells, i'm walking on a field of land mines littered with razor blades and broken glass.

i know this part of the cycle.

it's the hardest part for me.

it's where the questioning comes in.

you're making too big of a deal of things. look how "normal" it is right now.

you're just being too sensitive.

you're reading into things too much.

they didn't really mean it, they were just mad.

you're just borrowing trouble.

you're going to make another blow up happen by expecting it.

you're just making things worse.

if you weren't so crazy this wouldn't be a problem.

why can't you just learn to not be so offended and stop taking everything so seriously?

it's scary how quickly the feelings take root. right back to where i was.

but how did my son learn this? he was 9 months old when we left.

is nature winning over nurture?

can i still correct this behavior?

i can't correct anything. can i show him a better way and help give him tools to make better choices?

i remember this feeling.

knowing that things aren't fine but not being able to put words to it so other people can understand.

you can feel the pressure of the storm coming but there's not a cloud in the sky.

it's looking at the calendar and trying to guess when/what will cause the next blow up.

is there a holiday coming up? an appointment? plans with people that you know will trigger resistance? things that need money? things that...

you try to become a fortune teller and a bomb diffusion expert at the same time.

i know we have court tomorrow. so maybe if i do this tonight...

maybe if...

what about...

you try to plan for all the contingencies. you try to prepare yourself. steel up your nerves and your resolve. try to stay calm even though all you want to do is throw up and cry and hide in a corner.

i have experience in my corner this time. i have survival. i have age and hard earned wisdom. i have friends. i have help.

i never expected myself to be here again.

and this time is different. this time i can't leave. this time i can't get a uhaul and a new apartment.

this time there is more at stake. this is my kid. this is his whole life ahead of him. this is every future relationship with a partner, with a boss, with a roommate. this is how he learns to interact with people for the rest of his life.

this is a hard battle. this is a continuing, learning, changing, shifting battle.

i'm terrified. i'm hurt. i'm worried.

but i'm not 23 this time. i have a lot of hard learned lessons under my belt. i'm stronger.

i can do this. there is no other option.

this is my kid.

i'll never quit fighting for him.

a short (hopefully) rant

it's been a rough few weeks with the teenager.

really rough.

out of desperation i decided to look for single parent support groups on facebook.

yeah.

it's been that bad.

i've already noticed a trend the last...LOT...of years- all the "parenting" content on the internet stops as soon as kids hit around 7-10.

like parents should have it all figured out by then and never need support again.

well, i'm a fucking hot mess and i STILL need support.

i dug through PLENTY of single parent groups on facebook and finally found one that sounded ok. i couldn't see much because it's a private group, but the description and the rules seemed like things would be pretty dialed in...so i requested to join.

then 5 minutes later i left the group.

"i've been single for 2 months, can i start dating again?"

"husband left a week ago..."

"my 3 week old..."


*maybe* 3 posts scrolling WAY back about teenagers...one her daughter was distraught at getting less than an A on a test, one was celebrating how well her teenager was doing after graduation, and ONE had issues about their 19 year old who had just graduated having a hard time deciding if he wanted to live with mom or dad after high school.

and i don't discount those issues. each family has their own dynamic.

BUT.

am i a fucking unicorn?

where's the parents that have been single for twenty years?

where's the parents dealing with a teenager that just stole $100 worth of weed and will lie in the face of every. single. fact?

the mom struggling because she had to call the police when her teenager threatened physical harm for having a cell phone taken?

am i just a shitty parent?

does everyone else have it figured out by the time they've been a parent this long?

you think i'd know how to good cop AND bad cop by now, but NOPE. just one rabbid bad cop that INSISTS on being heard, which we all know teenagers are sooooooo good at doing.

just a bad cop that feels like she's having a stroke on the daily because the stress and tension waiting for the next fight no matter how hard she tries to avoid one.

and i can tell when i'm going crazy. i can tell when a rational person would tap out and just leave things alone...but holy. fuck. cheese. on. a. cracker. how do you walk away from "yeah, whatever" *door slam* without popping a gasket?

and that's just the parenting part.

the single part??

where's the other parents that can't date because their kid HATES everyone and makes life a living hell when anyone comes over?

where's the other parents who's kids are openly homophobic so dating same sex is COMPLETELY out of the question?

where's the other parents that just want some help but could NEVER, EVER imagine asking someone to be willing to share in the stress and chaos that is a teenager.

logically i know i can't be the only one.

but fuck, it sure feels that way.

statistical nightmare

i am a very shallow person.

i care a great deal what people think of me and what labels people attach not only to me, but my kids, our family, our life.

i spend an insane amount of time and money crafting what i want to be perceived as. i work really hard to not look sloppy or lazy when i go to work, the store, sports practices, parent teacher meetings. i work hard to have a nice house- mostly clean, nice furniture, decorated in my quirky personal taste but still pleasant for anyone who visits. i work hard to have a nice life.

and my kids.

good. heavens. there is no limit to what i would do for my kids. i have gone toe to toe with teachers, principals, coaches making sure my kids aren't labeled or treated differently. i've battled my own kids to make sure they know how to behave, how to be polite. i've all but drug them into the shower to make sure they aren't the smelly kid in class. i put extra effort into snack days to make sure we have the "good" snacks. i made sure they had nice clothes (not name brand, but nice, none the less). i've made sure they were able to participate in sports, have friends over. i've sat through so. many. conferences and open houses and band concerts. i've volunteered in the classroom and on field trips. i want my kids to be smart and successful and decent contributing members of society.

i feel like i have, and will forever be battling the stigma and statistics of being a teen mom. i made it a point to go to college with a baby on my hip because he deserved a mom that could provide a good life. i fought so hard to get off public assistance (daycare and food stamps) after college and again after my divorce (housing assistance and food stamps (again)). i fought to leave an abusive marriage because i didn't want that life or example for my kids. i have worked so hard to not be the failure and drain on society that is expected from someone who "had a baby while still a baby."

and yet here i am, 17 years into it, becoming a grim statistic.and it's killing me on so many different levels.

last monday my son was arrested.

my 17 year old kid spent a night in juvy for assaulting his dad. he will appear before a judge in a few weeks and there is the possibility that they will charge him with assault 2 as an adult due to his age (he would probably be 18 by the time it went to a jury) and the severity of the assault. that's a felony.

that's his adult life on the line. that's every college application, every job application. that's strike one on the three strike law.

he's a junior in high school, opting into running start for now. he still has a full year left before he graduates. what would it look like to have a felony before you graduate? how would it impact his education? he is SMART. incredibly smart. he could have any career he wants. but not with a felony on his record.

he is SO ANGRY and mean. he has been for years. that's why he doesn't live with me any more. he has refused help, counseling, reason. he has wallowed in his anger for years letting it get stronger and increasingly mean and violent. he brags about threatening and intimidating kids at school. he thinks vandalism is funny. he took a few swings at me in the past, and now not only took a swing at but connected with his dad resulting in serious injury.

everything i've worked so hard for feels like it's slipping away. and it sounds selfish and petty, but I DON'T WANT TO BE THE TEEN MOM OF A FELON. i don't want us to become another statistic: a single mom with a kid that's "in the system." i don't want to be a failure. i don't want him to be a failure.

i don't know how to help him. he's finally agreed to counseling. whether to avoid jail or to actually get help remains to be seen. i hope, with everything i have, it's to get help and resolve his anger and remove the violence and urge to settle things with his fists. he HAS to learn that he can't act this way. he can't start swinging in a bar. he can't start swinging at a boss. he REALLY can NEVER start swinging at a girlfriend or spouse.

and here's where it gets SUPER shallow and petty:

i don't want to feel like trash but that's all i feel like right now. i feel like i should be living in stained, faded, holey "pink" sweats, a smoke saturated worn out oversized hoodie, stained and worn out uggs (knock off brand of course), living in a trailer park in a trailer that has buckets strategically placed on rainy days, where keeping the lights on or groceries in the cupboard is an either or, not a both. i should be driving a car that you have to start with a screwdriver, have a snot nosed baby stuck in a playpen crying all day long while i finish smoking pack 22 of american spirits while i watch soap operas and yell at husband number 17  to quit scratching his belly button and get a damn job already. AND I KNOW THAT'S SUPER JUDGMENTAL AND STEREOTYPICAL AND MEAN.

i had a date scheduled for last monday before all this happened. i got the call monday night as i was getting ready and decided that since there was nothing i could do across the state, i may as well go ahead with the date. i was on the phone with my brother discussing appearances and charges and what all the legal jibberish means as i sat in the mcdonalds parking lot waiting to go in and meet the poor date guy. i probably should have cancelled, but i didn't want to be a flake. so in i went, and tried to take a quick moment to pull myself together. didn't work so well. i ended up telling poor date guy: "...give me just a second, trying to get in the right head space, didn't want to cancel on you, but just found out my son has been arrested."

GREAT START TO A DATE.

awesome. not only a chick with kids, but a chick with kids IN JAIL. gee, why haven't i heard from him again?

I KNOW. I SHOULD BE MORE WORRIED ABOUT MY KID THAN MY DATING LIFE. I FULLY ADMIT TO BEING A HORRIBLE PERSON.

of course, when it rains, it pours, at the same time all this is happening, the small child decides it's time to test boundaries too. he made a stupid comment in wood shop class, a girl went home and repeated it to her dad, dad went to the superintendent of the school district and wanted to press sexual harassment charges against my son (incident went something like this: they're making wooden c02 cars to race: girl: i know what you're going to use the c02 hole for. my kid: we know what you're going to use your dildo car for."). so my son gets 2 days in-school-intervention and has to change his whole school schedule so he won't have any more classes with the girl. he just got done with a week of lunch detention for being caught in the middle of a fight (that he was trying to break up). he's also failing science.

so one kid in jail, one kid in school detention of one form or another.

SUPER SUCCESSFUL PARENTING MOMENT. frame that fucking snapshot and put it on the fridge.

i am not a bad mom. i am not a bad person. i don't want either of my kids to be delinquents. or felons. or failures. we have some hard days ahead. there will be parent teacher meetings and court appearances and hard decisions and consequences all around. but, in the mean time, please don't think poorly of me. please don't label me the single teen mom statistic. please don't judge us too harshly.

the battle rages

ok. so i realize it’s been a while and a few blog promise fails. it’s been a hell of a few weeks. i know that’s probably the time i should write the MOST, but it’s also the time i usually find myself the mos tongue tied when it comes to writing.

i’ve been having a hard time.

there. that’s on the table. there’s been depression, hard parenting, family emergencies, and a torrent of memories and grief hitting lately. i’m not sure what’s going on- maybe the moon is in a strange orbit. it was a little close to the earth for comfort recently.

a few weeks ago i went out for an evening and had just enough to drink that it seemed like a good idea to watch the dvd from my dad’s memorial service. alcohol is the devil. let me just say that. (it is however being my friend tonight and relaxing me enough to get this started.)

i watched the dvd. all the way through. it wasn’t actually a recording of the service like i thought it was but instead it was a compilation of pictures from the service. pictures of the motorcade, the speeches, the presentations, the bagpipes, all of it. ALSO: pictures from the scene. the parts of the service were hard but i made it through them. the pictures of the scene were unexpected and startling. it’s one thing to see the destruction from the ground, to walk the space where the house was, to sift through the remains. it’s a while different ball game to see the aerial pictures of the scene. to see the complete and total destruction all at once. on the ground you can take it one piece at a time. you can deal with what’s right in front of you and save the rest for when you’re ready. when you see the aerial picture it’s all at once. the whole ball of wax. it was intense to see. it looked like a perfect circle of fire had hit the earth where their house once stood. i still don’t understand the forensics of the fire. i still don’t understand how it decided to destroy some things and leave things a few feet away completely untouched. apparently i’m not the only one. there is no official ruling on the fire and there never will be. the official word is “unknown causes” signed, sealed and delivered by the ATF, the local fire department, all agencies involved. the best of the best review this one and no one knows what happened.

i’m getting distracted and writing myself into a corner. when you find yourself sitting and staring at the screen for 20 minutes you need to switch directions. so. prepare for a switch:

my oldest son has decided to be a teenager. i knew it was coming, i just hoped we had prepared a little better for it. it’s not quite a train wreck yet, but the potential is there. my boys fight. that’s partly what brothers do. BUT, its different when one of them can’t stop of know where the line is for behaviour and interaction. the little spawn is working on learning how to control his body and his interactions but to a certain extent he’ll never be able to really master the skill due to his aspergers. he’s working hard, he’s already come a long way, but part of it will never happen. his brother doesn’t seem to get this. they constantly fight and pick on each other and of course, EVERY. DAMN. TIME. the little one keeps pushing it further and further and the big spawn has to be the winner and it ends up in disaster. several times a day, EVERY. DAY. there’s punching and hitting and name calling. i’ve tried everything to make them stop. they’ve lost privileges, they’ve spent a LONG time hugging it out, i’ve told them to stay away from each other. nothing works. in my mind it’s mostly the oldest spawns responsibility to walk away because #1 he’s older, and #2 he doesn’t have the problem of knowing when to stop like the little one does. he’s just too stubborn and mean to let things end. well, it’s been getting worse and worse. i warned the oldest spawn to just let things drop or he would lose his gameboy, his comics, and his art supplies in that order. the other night the oldest spawn was being horrible all night. snippy comments all through dinner, picking on his brother all night despite several warnings, it just wouldn’t end. finally we stopped to drop a friend off and in the two seconds between me getting out of the car and turning to look through the windshield the oldest spawn had punched the little spawn in the face. full on punched, right in his face. i about popped a cork. when i got back in the car i tried my best to keep my temper under control and told the oldest spawn he was grounded from his gameboy, my iphone and the laptop for a month. he started yelling at me telling me how unfair i am, standard teenager drama and i warned him twice to stop. he wouldn’t quit, so i told him one series of comic books now belonged to me. ONE SERIES. not all of them. not his whole collection, just one series. holy shit you’d think the world hand ended. the yelling turned to sobbing and freaking out- pulling his hair, thrashing all over the back seat, just going off on me. i managed to maintain my temper and let everything he was yelling at me just roll off. he pulled the standard “I HATE YOU”, “THIS IS SO UNFAIR” and even branched out into “THIS IS SOMETHING GRANDMA WOULD DO” and i just let it all roll off. it continued for a good hour after we got home. he just wouldn’t quit. he finally went to bed and things quieted down. a few days later i brought it up again that he needed to turn over one of his sets of comics and the world ended again. this time he started throwing things around his room, punching his walls, throwing himself on the floor. if i didn’t know better i would swear he was 2 instead of 12. i don’t know how to deal with those melt downs. OVER COMIC BOOKS. i get that they’re special. i get that he saved his allowance/babysitting money to pay for part of them. i also get that maybe something that’s so special to him will finally get his attention and get the point across about being better to his brother. but there’s also the risk that he’s getting so upset about things that the anger is building into something worse and he’s missing the whole point. i don’t know. i made him stick to it over spring break- he was allowed to take the portable dvd player for the road trip to his dad’s, but the gameboy stayed home with me. i have no idea about computers or anything while he’s there, but here’s hoping that he sticks to it. snowball in hell, i know. but i don’t know what to do. the way he freaked out was so unlike him. to see him in a complete melt down phase pulling his own hair, punching walls, throwing things- i had no idea what to do besides keep my own temper in check and ride it out (if you’ve ever seen my temper you know what i feat in itself that is). if he gets much bigger though then it could get dangerous. where do we go from here? he HAS to learn to be better to his brother. he HAS to learn to control his anger better. i just don’t know how to get from here to there.

switching tracks again- i have a bit of a rabbit trail brain today, forgive me.

there will be a different blog on this, but here’s a quick overview just to catch you up: i found out last week that my grandmother is sick. they found out that she has cancer and doesn’t have much longer. no one is sure how long she’s had cancer, she’s pretty stubborn about doctors and letting people know when things are wrong. by the time they found the cancer it was in her bones, her blood, it has metastasized through her whole body and she has uncontrolled tumor growth. there’s a whole blog coming about her and how this has made me step back and look at things. so. be prepared for that. suffice to say it wasn’t the best news. on top of the dvd and the pre-teen melt down, i haven’t been dealing with it very well.

switch again- i feel like there’s just been this storm of everything going on and i just feel like it’s hitting hard. and here’s the part where i pull a total melt down.

my kids are gone this week for spring break. i was looking forward to a week of fun and going out and being completely responsibility free. it’s turned into a disaster. the kids left on monday and i finally left the house tuesday mid morning and that was only to drive to colville to see my grandmother. so much for a rowdy good time. yesterday would have also been my dad’s 56 birthday. that hit a thousand times harder than i expected it to. on the way back from colville i decided to go out for a steak dinner and a beer in honor of my dad. if you know me, you know that i get some of the strangest ideas. well, yesterday i had an idea that i would be good to call up the state patrol office in spokane and see if there was an off duty officer that would like to join me for a steak and a beer in memory of my dad. something about sharing that with an officer that seemed like it would be therapeutic or healing or something. talked to dispatch and then the sargent on duty and there were no officers available. also: the sargent threw in some good old sympathy which ended up with me driving down 395 in tears. so last night i took myself out to dinner and drinks in memory of my dad.

**side note: turns out my call to the wsp yesterday rang some alarm bells and i was gifted a call from the district chaplain today to check in on me. awe.some. didn’t know inviting someone out to dinner was such a reason for alarm.**

and pity party, table for one please:

i seem to be doing a LOT of things by myself lately. going out alone, being the lonely (and pathetic) girl at the bar. being the table for one in the corner. especially with everything going on lately that loneliness has been increasingly amplified. it would be nice to have someone to talk to. a sounding board. a check point in this mess. i feel like i could hold on a little better if i had some point of reference, but instead it’s just me out here floundering. tonight i went out again. went to a movie and to dinner. alone. and i know there’s a power to being able to do that. a strength to being able to get off my couch and actually do it. but there’s also a huge embarrassment to it. and i know people don’t know you need help unless you ask for it, but i’m TERRIFIED to ask for help. i tried to reach out to a friend last week. i tried telling him how scared this whole thing with my grandma makes me. how it makes me look at my family and worry about fucking my kids up. i opened up, i reached out. what i got back in return was this: “well, your kids are already fucked up.” supposedly a joke, but. yeah. kinda makes you not want to reach out any more. and i know, i just reached out to the wrong person. but when that’s the only person close by it’s hard NOT to reach out to the wrong one.

side track again:

so here i am. sitting on my couch where my ass has been glued for the week. the kids come home tomorrow and the rowdy week of freedom will be over. i don’t know if there’s a point to all this. maybe it’s just me venting it all. this is titled brain vomit after all. prime example tonight. i’m out of steam whatever it is. stayed tuned for a peek into my family history.

girl problems

i’m going to rant. it’s going to be mean, it’s going to be ugly, it’s going to be judgmental. so. you know. if you’re not in the mood for that, turn away now.

you’ve been warned.

so. the oldest spawn had a girlfriend for a while. now. i’m not a big fan of the whole girlfriend thing at this age (he’s 12 if you’re playing along at home) BUT i know that they’ll fade and break up on their own soon enough so there’s really no need for me to be sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong. i tried to keep my opinions to myself on this one, but i didn’t do a very good job. BUT THERE WAS A REASON.

right about the same time the spawn acquired this cling-on he was also allowed to set up an email account. i told him i would be checking it from time to time until we establish a good level of trust that it’s being used properly. he understands and is ok with this.

so with the email account came emails from the girlfriend.

i get that they’re 12. i get that they’re hormonal. i get that things are different now than 18 years ago when i went through all this crap. i get it. i do. BUT. there’s some things that still are not ok.

this girl is a FREAK. and for me, the queen of slightly off kilter to say that…it’s bad. it’s fucked up. it started with the “i love you” bullshit. i personally think that 12 years old is way too young to be saying things like that. ESPECIALLY the first week you’re “dating” someone. are you fucking kidding me? emo much? FUCK. then comes the bullshit of “my mom is so happy that i’m with you now because i was always depressed and suicidal before”

YOU’RE TWELVE YEARS OLD. are you fucking kidding me parents? you’re teaching your daughter that it’s ok to put that on someone else? to let her make someone else feel responsible for her happiness? what the fuck happened to teaching your daughter to like herself and be comfortable and secure ALONE? how dare you let her put that pressure on my son?

then comes the bullshit of “why don’t you say i love you anymore? are you getting tired of me? i can’t imagine my life without you…”

OH HELL NO. you’re not starting some bullshit drama up in here. my son is NOT required to tell you he loves you to keep you happy. you are NOT allowed to put all this pressure on him and make him feel like if he wants to get out of it (like most 12 year olds tend to do) that he’s ruining your life or risking you hurting yourself. OH FUCK NO YOU DON’T.

but then things mellowed out for a while, the school break came up, things naturally cooled off and i backed off. **NOTE: i wasn’t doing anything during all the drama besides reminding my son he is NOT responsible for another person’s emotions. he can’t make someone happy (or sad) that is THEIR decision. he needs to treat all people with respect and be a good person, he’s not allowed to be mean to people, make fun of them, any of that, but from there on out the responsibility is on the other person.

so. they went on their first little “date.” it was annoying. whatever. typical 12 year old date. they went for frozen yogurt and he sat at one table, she sat at a different table with her friends and the girls chatted while my son made origami. nothing big. then they went on a second "date" to the movies on sunday. all cool, mellow, no big deal.

*sigh*

then they went back to school. and the shit hit the fan. i guess on monday my son let this little gal know that he wanted to hang out with his friends a bit since they haven’t seen each other for a few weeks during break. no big deal. BUT during recess another girl happened to have the audacity to talk to my son. and the world ended. and the emails flooded in. all the insecurity came pouring out. i guess there were MANY tears in the hallway at school and much drama. the girlfriend saw my spawn talking to this other girl and all hell broke loose about “i know she’s prettier and smarter than me, but it would tear me apart to lose you, i can’t imagine my life without you” and all this bullshit.

OH FUCK NO. he’s allowed to talk to whomever he wants with no drama. there’s none of this pushing your insecurity on my son. i get that you’re 12 and you’re going through the awkward hormonal phase. but COME ON. the girlfriend spent hours in the hallway at school crying because some other girl talked to him for two minutes while he was hanging out with guy friends. oh lordy. i fucking hate girls.

so. my spawn decides he doesn’t want to put up with the drama. we talk about it, i explain why it bothers me, i explain that i understand that he likes her and the decision is his. we talk about ways to make it better or to “break up” without causing more problems. i remind him that this is HIS business, he doesn’t need to talk about it with all the people in school and try to get friends going against each other or finding things out. i try to guide him through it a little bit. there’s no reason to make it into a whole school issue of he-said, she-said back and forth and causing problems in the hallways.

so. he decides to go ahead and “break up” with her. i told him he can blame me, i told him he could say he’s not old enough to deal with all the emotions and responsibilities of this (he’s really not yet), i told him he could just say he wants to hang out with his friends and have her be a friend again…lots of options.

so yesterday at school i guess he did the deed: he told her that he’s not old enough for something this serious right now and he wants to wait until he’s older to date someone and say things about being in love with them. he wants to just hang out and be friends again and not have to worry about all the other stuff. i have no idea how he actually said it, i’m sure it wasn’t the smoothest process, they are 12 after all, but i think he did the best he could.

but. *sigh* drama was not to be avoided. at least it wasn’t in the hallways at school this time. it was all via email. and the email went something like this (yes, i looked. yes, i copied and pasted. yes, i’m sure on some level that’s a bad parent thing to do. but…oh hell, i don’t care. whatever. here’s her email)

If you are wondering why I'm not upset, it's because I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself for being an idiot. I was hot headed, jealous and rushed things. So I'm not mad at you.

I was really suicidal about everything for awhile.

I just wanted to ask you if we could stay friends. If you want to, we can wait until were older to be boyfriend and girlfriend again. But if you don't want to, I understand. Can we pretend like nothing happened and just be friends for now until the day you want to be together again? (if that day comes)

DID YOU CATCH THAT? a twelve year old girl is suicidal about breaking up? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE PARENTS AT IN THIS BULLSHIT?? this girl needs some HELP. i can’t believe at 12 she can even pretend to have a grasp of what that means. or what it implies. or what responsibility that puts onto other people. WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE PARENTS? why are you letting your daughter be this way? why aren’t you looking for ways to help her? why aren’t you teaching her to be a strong confident young lady? why are you allowing her to learn to hinge her happiness on others? why are you teaching her to validate herself in relationships? ESPECIALLY AT THIS TENDER AGE? in the middle of hormones and growing up and not knowing anything. THIS IS WHEN YOU TEACH THEM. this is when you guide them. you DO NOT let your 12 year old daughter make my son feel like he’s going to cause her to commit suicide. we’ve dealt with suicide in our family. I KNOW what it means. I KNOW what it does to other people. I KNOW how it makes people feel. you may NOT let your daughter put that on my son. PARENTS: PULL YOUR FUCKING PREPPY HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES AND DO SOMETHING HERE.

so. the spawn and i had a long talk last night. we talked about how the girl might feel this way. we talked again about how it’s not his responsibility to make her happy. it’s not ok for her to make him feel the pressure of her being suicidal or not. she’s growing up and going through changes the same way he is, and she’s trying to learn how to deal with all the emotions and things, just not in the right way yet apparently. we talked about how it may be best to just be friends with people for a few years to avoid more problems like this. he can totally blame me if he wants, tell them that his mom won’t let him have a girlfriend. i’m completely ok being the bad guy in these situations. i reminded him again today before school to ignore all the talk in the hallways, it’s no one’s business but his. her friends can’t make him fell bad. he doesn’t need to discuss all the details and talk about it- it will only make things worse and cause more problems. water off a ducks back. they’ll probably be mean because she’s hurt and they want to defend her- that’s ok. it’s all part of the process…just don’t get into it with them. let it slide. just keep walking and stay out of it.

i know today is going to be a hard one for him. i know that girls (and their friends) can be vicious and mean when things like this happen. i know people are going to be talking and blaming and whatever. i hope he makes it through the day relatively unscathed. i’m REALLY glad that he has the boys and girls club after school- the director there (bobby) is REALLY great about helping the guys through stuff like this, giving them good advice, listening, being there for them.

i’m just mad as fuck that he’s had to learn this already- especially to this extreme. grumpy mama bear.

stupid girls.