three strikes: i'm not out.

in an unprecedented weekend of suck, i reached a new personal best (or worst as it may be):

i was stood up/cancelled on TWICE in ONE DAY for a date.  this brings the total cancel/stand up to THREE in a week and a half.

that's quite astounding when you think about it.

not sure whether to be proud or drowning my sorrows in a bucket of ben and jerry.

now, here's something for debate: would it have been wise to go on a date when i was high as ben franklin's kite?

then again, have you heard about some of my dates?

the question really should be why would i even consider going on any date SOBER?

some real peaches out there. of the dropped off the tree and half eaten by a squirrel variety.

i'm sure it's the universe's way of telling me that i should just stop looking. again.

online dating sites have NEVER proven successful in even the smallest of ways, perhaps it's time to take the profile down again and just wait and see what's coming down the pipe.

here's the difference between this time and all the other cancel/stand up times:

I DON'T CARE.

well, that's not the right way to say it.

I'M NOT DAMAGED.

there you go.  slightly better.

see, before whenever someone would stand me up or not call back or whatever from the list of a million things, i would take it personally.  i would revert back into the very real dark place of: well, that makes sense, my own family doesn't even like me, why would anyone else like me?

yes, that was a very real place that i spent WAY too many years stuck in. well, my own family rejected me, who would want me. well, my baby daddy rejected me, who would want me? well, my husband rejected me, who would want me?

it's a dark, horrible place. i spent way too much time and effort there over there over the last...15 years.

then i learned something: just because that person (or people) didn't want to be a part of my life doesn't mean someone WILL want to be a part of my life. just because those people didn't think i was good enough DOES NOT MEAN that i'm not good enough.

took a while for that one to sink in.

just because a few people don't think i'm good enough DOES NOT MEAN I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH. i can't change their opinion. i can't understand why they feel that way. it's a waste of time and energy, and it's not how i want to live anymore.

I LIKE ME.

that's damn good enough.

i have friends that like me.

that's damn good enough.

eventually, some other life partner will like me.

and i'm willing to wait for that person.

i'm not willing to change who i am or hide parts of me or feel less than or like i should be so grateful someone finally picked me.

that. is. bullshit. someone will be damn lucky to pick me. not the other way around.

it seems simple enough, but when you've spend the majority of your memorable life feeling not good enough, feeling like when i was rejected or stood up it was because i was broken or not good enough or needed to change something- it's a HUGE difference.

in the last few weeks i've been able to set aside the rejection and the hurt. i've been able to see that i will never understand the WHY behind things and i don't need to. chances are, the person doing the rejection doesn't even fully understand the why. so how the fuck did i think _I_ would figure it out?

i would rather spend my time thinking about the possibilities, the good things in the FUTURE rather than focusing on the shit in the past.

i still feel sadness when i look at the people that reject me- especially family. but it's not a personal sadness any more. it's a saddness that they're missing out on something awesome. it's sadness that they let their own fears or ignorance or close mindedness or whatever rule their lives. it's sadness that they're willing to give up instead of be who they're supposed to be. i feel sad to see them stuck in a small shell of who they're meant to be.

i don't feel rejected though. and that's BIG. i don't feel like i'm not good enough. i know i am. i know that people in my life now love me and accept me. i know that i've only gotten better the more i've learned to love and accept myself. i know that i've gotten happier and more confident as i've learned to quit worrying about THEM and start worrying about ME.

before this turns into too much of a "tree hugging democrat" party (my big spawns latest insult. i don't know either).

sheesh. when did i turn into suzy fucking sunshine?

moral of the story: THREE rejections, ONE AND A HALF WEEKS. and i'm not binging on ben and jerry (well i AM, but that's the munchies from the hydro, not the sadness). i'm not getting all emo. i'm not filling up journal after journal trying to find answers i'll never find (and don't need).

i'm looking forward to whatever is out there that's better because obviously these weren't right. i'm staying positive, i'm becoming a real tree hugging democrat.  damn.

best.week.ever.

i don’t write posts like this very often. i probably should. it’s good to acknowledge and document when things are going REALLY well so that the next time the shit hits the fan you can look back and go- well, that week was kick ass and i’m sure there will be another one soon.

i had a deep thought type thing today- almost posted it to facebook since everyone knows that’s THE place to share deep thoughts. but i didn’t. so it’s here instead, then we’ll get back to the main point.

deep thought of the day: every morning it’s good to take a moment to look back at what was, what never was, and what never will be. BUT JUST A MOMENT. then get back to what is and what you want to be and what you can make it be.

how fucking deep is that shit? people always tell you not to look back or dwell on the past and i say NAY PEOPLE. that’s a fancy word for no if you weren’t aware. I SAY NAY. you should look back. acknowledge it for what it was. recognize the past is what go you to today. just don’t dwell on it. take a moment- not even a minute, just a moment. look at it. acknowledge it. give it a cool guy head nod. then get back to kicking asss today.

i know. i just blew all your minds. all three of you that read this. you’re welcome.

now back to the main point of this post. i have had, quite possibly, the best week i can remember in my entire life. exaggerating? really not. jinxing myself because it’s only thursday night? probably. but even if friday sucked, the average of the whole week would be enough to keep this one in the top five for sure.

it’s actually been quite the streak as of late- can’t even limit it to this week- last week was pretty damn good too- great wine night saturday with friends, dinner and a productive meeting sunday. but monday really did just kick this week off in a big ass way.

monday i was a real, true grown up- got up in time, did the whole getting ready for work, grabbed breakfast, remembered my vitamins and my lunch AND made tea. doesn’t sound like much, but in my chaotic morning life (i hate mornings with a deep pure hate) it was a big thing. made for a great/productive day at work. not too shabby for a monday. got home that afternoon and in the mail there was an unexpected check waiting for me. not sure how or where or what, but it was one last check from my dad’s estate. honestly, no clue how it came to be. it’s been over 2 years. i thought everything was long since settled. it came at just the right time. between switching jobs again, trying to get caught up on bills, trying to stay above water, it’s been tight on the basics. then there’s all the other stuff- property taxes, parking tickets, cub scout uniforms, school dance clothes, miscellaneous bills, walmart runs that have been postponed...all the CRAP that ends up stacking up when you’re not looking. i’ve been treading water for a while which is a huge success in itself, but this- the check wasn’t gigantic, but it was more than enough to cover all that stuff listed. i have been stressing about my property taxes for months. didn’t pay the first half because i plain and simply couldn’t. now the second half is due and still no clue how it was going to get paid. i didn’t have the ability (or honestly remember that i was supposed to) “pay myself rent” and set aside money each month for taxes. turns out that buying a home thing doesn’t end when you sign the papers. this check covered that. my dad is still watching out for me 2 years later and helping bail me out of my mistakes. EVEN BETTER- when i looked at the tax slip to pay the bill, i noticed a “prior owing” section for the second half of LAST YEAR’s taxes. are you fucking kidding me? i didn’t pay those either. FUCK. now instead of 2k, it’s going to be 2,863. shit. called in to the county to verify- oh, i was looking at an outdated form or something, the second half of last year was paid in february. by me. totally don’t remember writing that check (they had it on record as my personal check) but i’ll take it! i guess i can be a responsible adult when i’m not looking.

so taxes: PAID. and for $800ish less than i thought. AWESOME. not bad news for a tuesday. paid up all the parking tickets (“stupid tax” hurts!). paid all the regular monthly bills, paid of a few other measly little accounts, tried to do the responsible adult thing. i’ve been able to get the kiddos the things they need from picture money, school dance fancy clothes (the big spawn got invited to a high school homecoming dance), cub scouts uniforms. they say money can’t buy happiness, but it sure as fuck can relieve a LOT of stress and make it easier to find happiness in other places...

like GREAT FUCKING FRIENDS. seriously. i feel so lucky right now with the great people that i get to interact with all the time. i have some of the best people a girl could ask for: people that are real, honest, supporting, loving and just THERE when i need a boost up. the crew for the magazine is GREAT. we’ve gone through some rough patches as a growing publication, this week has been no exception to the growing pains, but through it all we’ve worked together, supported each other- core team, design team and beyond. our crew is just fucking phenomenal to work with right now. it’s people that are involved because they WANT to be involved. we’re all passionate about it in different ways and the overall effect of that is fucking CRAZY to watch. it’s beautiful and inspiring and exactly what it needs to be. it’s been great. inside the magazine i love that the people i’m working with are teaching me i have talent, ability, a valuable opinion and voice. those same people outside the magazine are kicking my ass every day teaching me that i’m a beautiful person inside and out. i deserve good things in life. i deserve happiness and good people and a positive environment. they support and accept me as i am, they believe in me. they’ve helped me boost my self image and self value and HOLY FUCK does that make a huge difference in EVERYTHING.

back to the main point again- this week has just been fucking phenomenal. it’s not about the money that came in (although it helped for sure). it’s about the fact that good things have been happening. good people have been happening. i’ve been able to support the people around me and they’ve supported me back in turn. i’ve been able to spend great time building friendships new and old. i’ve been learning to listen to the positive voices- random stranger on the street telling me i’m beautiful to friend that have been trying to drill the same thing into my head for the last eight years (i’m learning sir, thanks for being patient) and set aside the old horrible voices that just kept wanting to tear me down. i had a huge moment last week where i went through some crazy deep, raging anger but i had people there to listen and hear me and help me work through it and address and dismiss the source of it. do you know how fucking great it feels to let anger go? and how great it is to have people that not only listen to you and help you through it but also take the time to help you find the lesson in it and help you grow in a healthy way from it?

i had dinner last night with an outstanding, adorable gentleman where we were able to talk and enjoy each other’s company for 4 hours. it was a positive, fun, thoroughly enjoyable evening. i’ve been able to spend afternoons and weekends with the spawns for quite a while without  crazy and drama and arguments (within reason- there is still a teenager in the house, we have our moments). there has just been positive and good from all directions.

it wouldn’t be me if i didn’t say that there is still a part of me that’s holding out- in the back corner there’s this little voice saying it’s too good to be true, when the other shoe drops it’s going to be fucking hiroshima around here, there’s something else going on, it can’t be all this positive without a huge backlash coming around the bend.

maybe. i don’t know. maybe there is something coming. but i can’t worry about that today. i’m learning that. i’m learning to silence that voice. the voice that says things can’t be good for me. the voice that says it’s only good because something bad is coming. i’m learning to ENJOY THE GOOD. why should i worry about tomorrow when i have NO IDEA what it will bring? why waste that energy when i can be celebrating all the GREAT things that are happening right now? the little spawn has been selected for a special tutoring program. the big spawn is off the charts in his school placement testing. i’m part of a team producing a successful magazine. TODAY there are great people around me and GREAT things going on. and you know what? i’m going to fucking enjoy it and appreciate the shit out of it. i’m going to be grateful that all these healthy people have been in and are still coming into my life. i’m going to take the time to look at today, look at the last week, be the annoying obnoxious happy pollyanna that won’t shut up about all the cool shit happening.

it’s been a fanfuckingtastic week. and i appreciate that. and i’m excited about it. and whatever tomorrow brings, today was a great fucking day. and i’m so thankful i’ve been able to say that so many days lately.

insomniatic

i'll be 32 in a few days. i'm not quite sure why this is so important. maybe it's because for the first time i really feel like ME. i'm speaking my mind more, i'm being creative, i'm kind of a grown up all settled into my house now and working and making healthy decisions. i'm starting to worry less about other people and worry more about myself and my family. i'm trying to learn to like myself in a true and honest way. it's a LOT going on all at once, but i'm not too overwhelmed by it or intimidated by it. welcome to growing up i guess.

i'm not going to sit here and shit cotton candy. it's still fucking hard. i'm in the middle of yet another new change- i'll no longer be in the coffee world. this week will be my last week delivering and stocking around town. i hate to leave, but back to that grown up healthy choice thing, it wasn't what was best for the kids and me right now, so i'll be heading back to more secretarial work that will be steadier and better for us. NO. i'm not giving up. i'm just saying something else is better for now. and that's ok. there's still plenty of opportunities to go back to it, keep up with it on the side, dabble here and there. but my main focus needs to be doing what's best for the spawns, and so i'm doing that.

i'm still dealing with a teenager that scares the shit out of me more days than not. and the scariest part is i have no idea what to do or  how to fix it. i'm just treading water the best i can. he keeps pushing, i keep pushing back. i'm sure as fuck not going to let him push over and walk over me. i do slip. i do let things go that i shouldn't. thankfully as of late i have a good circle of people that are catching this and filling in the blanks when i'm not. when he's disrespectful to me and i'm too tired to fight it they've been coming along side and pointing it out to him and calling him on it for me. it's always a challenge i guess. being a parent isn't for sissies. especially when you're trying to do it right. he's pushing boundaries and trying to become his own person. i'm trying to let him do that but still keep him inside the invisible fence. the newest trick is trying to TELL me where and when he's going places. "i'm going to the store to get a soda mom." umm...i don't hear any permission asked in there...that's odd. another day, another challenge. back to school- we'll see how it goes in his circle of friends.

the little one is on the level for now but balancing on the brink. i know back to school has him rattled. it will be a fight for a few weeks- the new friends, getting into the schedule again, all the nerves and changes. i've caught pieces of it here and there the last few days. abnormally clingy, small behaviour changes that other people think i'm crazy for noticing. add in the crazy chubby face of impending growth spurt- the next month should be an interesting ride.

in the middle of all this i've been- well. i've been battling. the two year marker of losing my dad was rough. i made it through, but it's been rough. i find myself talking about him and my baby brother more the last few weeks than i have in months. maybe it's because everything i do is in twos. i decided a few days ago to clean off the table in the dining room. i had a small side table with both their ashes, the flag, letters, commendations from my fathers service. my brother's art work and other memorabilia. i took my time cleaning it all and tucking it away. not all of it. but enough of it to make a small shift and start moving on a little bit. it was hard. i cried. the strange thing is that the objects i put away- the flag, the letters, the plaques- they weren't my dad. they were all things that came along after he passed. they weren't the pieces that held him to me. that made it easier to put them away. the pieces of him- his badge, his ashes- those are still out. those won't ever be tucked away completely. maybe in a shadow box in the office sometime in the future, but never away. same with steve. his art work and ashes are still out. i still think of him.

the topic of suicide has come up quite a bit lately (not me, don't get your panties in a twist. i'm good on that front). i've heard more and more people talking about it. quite frankly, it pisses me off. i love steve. i still do. and i completely and totally understand why he made the decision he did. IT DOES NOT MAKE IT THE RIGHT ONE. the kid had a hard hand though. ptsd, severe brain trauma, physical rehab, bankruptcy, shattered personal relationships, crazy family stress, just a whole stack against him. was it anything he couldn't over come? no. there's always another answer. but i get it.

so then i see people bandy about the suicide word for tivial shit- "oh, i had problems with a boy", "oh, not enough people are paying attention to me" i'm sure their problems are just as tragic to them, but no where near the MOUNTAIN of shit steve was facing. and it still wasn't the right answer for him. and it makes me so angry. and YES, i've been in that corner. i've been open about all that before. i've had my back against the wall. i've had the mountain of shit staring me down. i'm the lucky one that's too crazy to make the wrong choice- the dishes needed finished first, i couldn't go out with a dirty bathroom for someone else to clean up, there was a stack of papers at work i hadn't finished- the BIG one- who the fuck could i ever trust to raise my kids MY way? no way in fuck could i ever go through with something, but yes, i've been in that corner staring down that demon. i know how hard it is. i guess there's just a difference to me between REAL shit happening all around you, physical, tangible things happening and emotional shit. one isn't any worse than the other i suppose. i just don't understand the other one. then again, i've never been good at the emotional crap and understanding other people. i'm too logical i guess. or perhaps just too much of a cold hearted bitch.

and i guess it just makes me irrationally angry that when people bandy the word about for trivial things it cheapens what steve did. and i know that probably doesn't make any sense to anyone but me. and the real bare bones truth of it is- when i hear people bandy that fucking word about it makes me remember that he made that choice. that i lost him to that dark corner and i can never have him back. and i know what that feels like. and it makes me so angry to think of other people doing that to the ones they'd leave behind. my birthday is in a few days. his would have been another week or so after that. he would have been 30 this year. and i miss him. and i miss my dad. and it's fucking hell sitting here in the middle of the night typing this shit.

i miss having a family. i'm still angry that- well, more things than i can cram into a stupid blog.

huh. well that took a turn for the interesting. no wonder i couldn't sleep with all that rattling around up in the old noodle.

hold please while i calm the fuck down.

anyway. there's a lot of changes in the next few weeks. ages, schedules, work paths, school. the official launch of the magazine is right around the corner- i'm officially the editor now instead of simply an occasional contributing writer. still in a whirlwind about how that happened. i'm actually excited to see how things go, not terrified for the first time in a long time. i'm ready to see what's next. i'm feeling like a real, grown up together person. probably won't last long, but it's a curious experience none the less. i'm ok with who i am and the choices that have brought me here. i'm confident being a touchstone for other people, i'm confident being an example for the first time in a long time. i'm working on being confident as a parent- damn teenagers have a way of rocking that boat. can't even pretend to be a duck with that one either- calm on the surface, paddling like hell underneath- not around here. it's just a whole flurry of crazy when that boat rocks too far. we're learning together i guess.  i'm learning to be a confident (body, mind, self image) woman. that one is taking time. i'm confident as a writer. i'm confident as a worker.

best of all, i'm pretty damn confident i can finally get some sleep now. emptied out the rattle trap. welcome to insomniac writing.