obligatory review

well. it's a week into a new year. i suppose i should take some time to reflect and learn and all that crap.

overall: 2011: not too shabby. not great, but for sure didn't kick my ass like the two previous years.

month by month shall we?

january: whatever. can't remember.

february: quit my job. the start of the new, different, year of changes. so many goals, so many things to do.

march: i'm bored.

april: i'm bored. oh, and lost grandma to bone cancer. sudden, fast, but hell, she made it to 88.

may: I BOUGHT A HOUSE. this is what happens when you're bored.

june: worked on the house.

july: worked on the house.

august: moved into the house. started making coffee. started working as a secretary.

september: kids back to school. hired/fired contractors that fucked me over.

october: halloween. i'm sure there was something else.

november: family holidays, whatnot. oh yeah: no more work.

december: more family holidays. more work followed by no work.

and here we are back to january again. there was so much more in there. looking back over blogs, looking back at kids, friends, pictures, there was some really good things and some really terrible things. overall though it was a pretty ok year.

now. the important things: what did 2011 teach me?

death sucks. if you haven't been expecting it, if you have, if it pounces on you, whatever. it wasn't any easier to watch my grandmother get sick and fade than it was to wake up one day and hear my dad was gone. you never want it to happen. you never want to let someone go. 25, 27, 55, 88 years...it's never enough.

family sucks: i still haven't been able to write about it but there was a huge shift in what remains of my family this year: in a way i lost all the family that i have left. i faced a really damn hard truth that my mother will never believe me, will never stand up for me, and would rather lose my kids and i than face some unpleasantness in her home. i also learned that my brother will unequivocally side with her. that sucks. it’s the only blood i have left and i don’t really have them. kind of a sucker punch, but at the same time i know i’m not alone, i do have good people and the world does go on.

contractors suck: i’ll expand this one to include: way too many people suck. i found out the hard way this year that there are way too many people out there willing to take the easy way, screw people over, do every dirty damn thing they can with no remorse. i had “friends” that disappeared when i stopped paying for every thing they could think of. i had a company i had been loyal to for 10 years fuck me without blinking twice. i had contractors that took advantage of my trust and left me broke and without a bathroom. i watched friends get screwed over. i watched my kids get screwed over. i watched employers get screwed over. it really sucks when you work so damn hard to do the right and best thing you can at all times only to realize you’re one of the very few. i guess i’ve was protected in my little cubicle world before. being out and around people now you see how many of them really do honestly suck. i LOVE that the people i’ve allowed in my life aren’t like this. i would like to believe the old saying: like attracts like. we all have a few exceptions, shit happens, but i’ve found some really awesome people that bust their ass and would do anything they could to help each other. i’m finding out how rare and precious that is and i like that i’ve learned to appreciate it more now.

fear is my biggest obstacle: i want to do so many things. but i’m scared. and i haven’t kicked my own ass enough to get over it. i’m honestly scared of dating- what changes will i have to make? what if he’s terrible? what if my kids don’t like him? what if they DO like him? what if i get rejected? what if i DON’T get rejected? i’m a pansy! it’s easier to stay single and bitch than step into the unknown. i’m afraid of failure: i want to start a business. i want to do all these great things in my head and work and make it amazing. but what if people don’t get what i’m trying to do? what if i don’t get customers? what if i fail and have to close? what if i’m a success and it’s too much to handle? what if i get shitty employees that try to fuck me over? what if i get good people and i can’t support them? and writing- remember all the writing i was going to do this year? i’m terrified of it. all the blogs that are still in my head- there’s a LOT of heavy subjects up there. what if people don’t like the serious side instead of the wry humor? what if i say something i shouldnt? what if it crosses a line and i can’t go back? i’ve been stuck since this summer. there’s one GIANT road block and i can’t decide if i need to bust it down and lay all the shit bare or skirt around it or avoid it all together. what if i say things about myself that causes me to lose more people? lose my support system because it’s just too much?

so. 2012: the year i kick fear’s ass.

also: a friend told me this year: “i believe the way you start the new year sets the whole tone for the year.”

i spent quite a bit of time thinking about that on new years eve. i wanted to do something different. i want this year to be different. i DID go out (just for a few minutes, and no adult parties...baby steps). i DID do something different (no disney channel). it was movies with my kids and sparkling cider at midnight followed by a movie with a very good friend and waking up in the morning to a hot cup of coffee and happiness. not a bad start at all. different, GOOD, and exactly what i want to make 2012 be. different and GOOD.

i’m applying for jobs. i’m working on my house. i working on writing more. i’m working on kicking fear’s ass. i’m watching my kids grow up. i’m learning to ask for help. i’m learning to accept help when it’s offered. i’m learning to discuss things as they happen instead of reaching an point of no return. i own a house and damn it, i want to own my life too. so. it’s a few days late, but welcome to 2012.

the one with a sense of humor

i was planning on making today’s blog post about anger- i seem to have PLENTY of that right about now. anger at everything- “friends”, family, kids, life, money, the universe. PLENTY of anger to go around. trust.

instead today’s blog is going to be about humor- cause that’s how i roll. i just tweeted (if you don’t know what that is, i can’t love you any more) the following: “trust: there’s nothing in this world that can’t be overcome with a smile and a slightly off color joke. trick is knowing how to do both.”

it’s true. humor has gotten me through this far. being able to find SOMETHING to laugh at, being able to find a smile, being able to do both. but it’s hard. it’s REALLY fucking hard. i don’t want to smile some days. i don’t want to make a joke. i don’t want to be happy even for a moment. and there’s been plenty of days that i haven’t been. there have been days of nothing but fear or anger or hurt or a million other things. but the days with the smiles and the jokes- THOSE are the good days. and what good is a smile if you can’t share it? right? or some other cheesy lame ass expression like that…

so. here’s a few of the smiles that have gotten me through the last few weeks, please understand some may end up being not so funny now but they were fucking pee your pants funny in the moment:

moment #1: introducing my mom to my boyfriend the morning she came to tell me about the fire. i answered the door in a wife beater (a-shirt for those against domestic violence) and underwear (incase you missed that in yesterday’s post). THAT’S IT. and i had to wake up boyfriend while crying and snuffling and being a MESS and introduce him to my mom for the first time IN MY UNDERWEARS. the uuber religious crazy person from whence i sprang meeting the boy sharing my bed outside of marriage. good moment. warm, fuzzy, family memory for the scrap books.

moment #2: after getting back from my seeing my dad’s house for the first time, boyfriend’s roommates girlfriend (did you follow that trail?) and i were making dinner and drinking. we may or may not have split a WHOLE bottle of wine betwixt the two of us in under 15 minutes. so, the two of us, slightly *cough* intoxicated, trying to cut vegetables for a roast, start talking- and she drops this bomb: “well, if he wasn’t on the international watch list before, he sure is now.” _I_ABOUT_DIED_LAUGHING. understand: boyfriend is here as a political refugee. from iraq. and speaks very good english, but even better arabic. and he went with me to the scene of the worst loss in WSP history…i’m suffering a failure to communicate the humor here…but trust: it was freaking hilarious. maybe it was the wine. everyone go drink a half a bottle of wine then come back and read this again…i’ll wait.

moment #3: finding the ONE, SINGLE, ONLY remaining piece of my dad that is completely and 100% in tact at the scene of the fire: his BRAND NEW golf clubs that were safe and secure in the back of his expedition parked in the driveway. why is this funny? my dad was TERRIBLE at golf. my brother (who took the clubs) is even worse. i’m not even allowed to play- i’m restricted to driving the cart. so, of COURSE, the one thing that survives- it couldn’t be a photo album or a treasured keepsake or a family heirloom- it has to be his golf clubs, the one thing we’re all TERRIBLE at. i mean…REALLY DAD? your final dying wish? as your life flashed before your eyes and you were granted one last request on this earth? it couldn’t be for a window to open? or a sudden torrential downpour? or, you know, not to die? your FINAL REQUEST was to save the new golf clubs? i love you dad.

moment #4: in the cars on the way to the procession, riding with a good family friend and her parents who were all best friends of my dad (he called her my other sister and spent all his time with her parents). we’re riding along and we start talking about bi-mart (turn at the bi-mart to get to where the procession is starting). and i crack up…it’s not turn at the church, or a left at the patrol office- it’s turn left at bi-mart. very fitting for my dad. and they start joking about how much they all love the bi-mart coupons. in fact- just the day before, they had been able to get four bags of doritos FREE using bi-mart coupons- and the mom suddenly says: YOU KNOW- we should have brought one of the bags- we could have had some road trip snacks! OH.MY.GOD. about peed myself. road trip snacks? in a funeral procession? of 182 police cars? of course. we should have brought road trip snacks. and what better road trip snack than doritos? because nothing says klassy like showing up for a funeral in a full black suit with orange dorito cheese all over (it always happens) and nice dorito breath for when you have to greet and talk to the governor. oh.my.god. i cracked up. road trip snacks.

moment #5: getting to the staging lot for the procession was hard. seeing all the police, the cars, the emergency response vehicles, all the people that worked with my dad, the people that hadn’t worked with him but still knew the impact of the whole event. it was moving. but i held it together. until we went to actually pull out and leave- they just HAD to release doves for us to drive under. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? there’s only so much waterproof mascara can do people! and i can’t help but think of my dad, and i can’t help but wish, if there’s any justice or sense of balance in the world- i just HOPE upon HOPE that somewhere, in one of the cages, of all the birds they released, PLEASE, PLEASE say there was one retarded dove that either flew into a windshield, “blessed” one of the motorcycle police, wandered around and couldn’t figure out how to fly…SOMETHING. please say there was one retard bird in the batch. i only got to see the first few…but i couldn’t help but laugh in my head just hoping…it wasn’t a moment i got to see, but it’s a moment i got to hope for…

moment #6: my body guard. it wasn’t so much of a moment as a WHOLE DAY with an outstanding officer that knew exactly how to make me laugh and keep me moving forward and got me through the whole ceremony. BLESS HIM for never once calling my by name. i was never trooper miller’s daughter, sherry, ms. miller- the WHOLE DAY i was: “where’s the girl with the blue hair?” ADORE. and i adore him for telling me about his son, the 6’7” 280-some-odd pound college linebacker that played all four years of college ball, graduated, then decided to go to a beauty academy. if i ever decided to cheat on my darling kati with another hair dresser it would be with that guy. because: AWESOME. and i adore him for scolding me when i wasn’t where i was supposed to be. and for reminding us that no matter how much brass or how many fancy titles, or who else showed up, WE, the family, were the dignitaries for the day. and for going against the grain and proudly wearing a flamingo on his uniform pocket for everyone to see for anne. and for keeping track of me the whole day until the moment i walked out the door heading back to the motel. and for just being everything an officer should be. and for being even more than that.

moment #7: talking to the funeral home on the phone to verify the forms granting permission for cremation: me: “ummm…is there really anything left for you guys to do? is this paperwork even really necessary?”

moment #8: speaking of ashes: getting ready to do my tattoo, asking my artist: “ready to meet my dad?” as i pulled the ashes out of my purse.

moment #9: being able, every single day, to still hear my dad’s voice in my head about EVERYTHING.

about the service: really? you couldn’t just dig a hole and kick me in it? what’s all this mess for?”

about the estate: “make sure you take care of yourself. remember, you can’t feed the world.”

about buying a house: “i wish i had a million dollars to buy you a house so you would never have to worry again.” this isn’t the way i want it dad, but you’re doing that.

i know there’s so many more- it’s been three weeks and i’m still standing, so there had to have been WAY more moments- i’ll add more as i remember them. but these are the slightly inappropriate moments that made me smile and have helped me get through to here. so. there you have it. as long as you can smile and tell (or think) something slightly off color you’ll be fine. well, not fine, but a little less of a train wreck. oh hell, you’ll still be a train wreck but at least a mildly entertaining one.

just the facts ma'am

ok kids. so. i’ve been MIA for a while now. if you happen to follow twitter or facebook you may have caught a bit of what’s been going on. if not, prepare yourselves for a few heavy blogs. it’s going to be dark, it’s going to be emotional, it’s how i roll. it’s been three weeks since i’ve even attempted writing, so prepare for a TON of blogs all smashed together- at least i’m breaking them up for you and not making one gigando blog to slog through. you’re welcome. it’s the little things.

so. i’m going to start easy for BOTH of our sakes. there’s so much to say and so much to think about- we’ll start with just the facts. plain and simple, as few emotions as possible. please forgive me if this comes off cold and detached- i HAVE to do it this way to make it through.

here it goes.

*deep breath*

on august 15th life was good. my kids and i had made it through almost the whole summer without any of the crazy from last year. we made it past the first anniversary of the loss of my sons’s step mother and baby brother. we made it past the anniversary of my brother’s accident (the head injury, not his death). we’ve stayed put for a whole year, no moving or drama. the weather was beautiful, we’d spent the summer doing things, going to river front park, hanging out, being summer time lazy. new, fabulous friends were finding their way into my life. for the first time in six years i had an actual boyfriend. things were stable, happy, normal. i felt like i could finally relax, q uit waiting for the other shoe to drop, breathe and enjoy life again. on the 15th i went on my first cruise with friends, enjoyed the lake on a beautiful summer evening, had a few drinks, danced, laughed, loved the hell out of an amazing summer night.

that was august 15th.

at 5 in the morning on august 16th i heard my phone chirp that i had missed a phone call. i didn’t hear the call, but heard the chirp that i had missed a call- so i checked my phone. my mom was calling. at 5 in the morning. so wrong on so many levels. instantly wide awake. so i called back- she answered “i’m at your front door, can you come let me in?”

oh shit.

you know that moment when you can feel the world shifting?

i answered the door and she came inside. and she told me there had been a fire. and they weren’t 100% sure yet, but it looked like no one had made it out. it was a total loss.

my dad, my step mom, and a brand new trooper that had been staying with them were killed in a house fire around 2 in the morning on august 16th.

so much for keeping emotion out…give me just a second-

my dad. his wife. another trooper- all gone. the house- gone. completely gone. all of it. gone. completely and totally gone.

i called my dad’s phone and it went straight to voice mail. but i left a message. because i had to. because it wasn’t real. it was the wrong house. his phone was just turned off. they had the information wrong. they hadn’t looked hard enough. everyone made it out, they just hadn’t found them yet. my dad would call me back. he would call me and let me know he was ok and it just took them a while to find him and get him help. it would be ok. the world wasn’t changing this much this fast. THIS COULDN’T BE HAPPENING.

but it was happening. in the early morning hours, in the darkness of my living room, my world was changing. my core was gone. my dad. my rock. gone. just that quick.

JUST THE FACTS.

ok. so. pulling it back together.

so. i went and woke up my boyfriend- which, can i just say. great time for your super religious mother to meet your boyfriend who happens to be sleeping over at your house- 5 in the morning when i’m in my pj’s (wife beater and underroos) and we’re both slightly hung over from the cruise, i’m BAWLING, everything’s a mess, and he’s polite enough to introduce himself like it’s a completely typical morning. *HEART*

i don’t even really know what happened. i know i tried to call my dad a few times. i tried to call my brother to find out what was going on. i called a family friend that lived down there near my dad and finally got a bit of information- basically that it was true- the house was gone, they couldn’t find anyone. that’s about all they knew. i remember feeling sick. i remember trying to think of all the ways they were just missing something or had the information wrong. somehow i made it into the shower and packed and headed out on the road. boyfriend packed and came along without question.

somehow we made it to zillah. he drove for the first part then i took over for a while- it gave me something to focus on and keep it together for. we made it to zillah and pulled into the gas station when the first tweet hit my phone. there’s moments when things shift. they go from real to surreal- in that moment, seeing the tweet on my phone- it was like an alice in wonderland moment- that tweet: “kxly4news: 3 WSP personnel dead in Zillah house fire. RT @kappkvew: the victims in the Zillah fire are two state troopers and a dispatcher” – that was me. that’s my story. that’s what was happening to me right now. so strange seeing it on a news feed. knowing that people are watching your life, you’re the breaking story. it took my breath away. sucker punch straight to the gut. that was me. that was my story.

we drove up to my dad’s house and my heart stopped. before we even got to his driveway i could see- cars. so many cars, trucks, vans…i had to stop and identify myself at the bottom of the hill to be allowed up. and the cars. every emblem, acronym, lights, everything you can imagine. and it hit me. to me, my dad and his wife died in a fire. to the world, three police officers had died in a fire of unknown causes.

we made it past the cars, trucks, people, and i saw it. or what was left. where the house used to be. where the porch used to be. the lawn was still there. the bricks lining the driveway, the mailbox for the newspaper. but the house was gone. not a stick, wall, burned piece of furniture, NOTHING was left. a two story house GONE. completely gone. just a smoking hole in the ground. the trees still lined the property. the garage, burned, but standing six feet from where the house was. my dads car, badly damaged, parked in the driveway. his patrol car off to the side. but the house- the house was GONE. and my heart just stopped. i couldn’t say it wasn’t real. i couldn’t pretend it was the wrong house. i couldn’t hope that anyone made it out. i knew it was gone. i knew my dad was gone. i knew everything i had been hoping was wrong for the last six hours was right. all of it. every horrifying detail was right.

ok. pulling it back together. again.

so. house. gone. big fire. all three officers gone. there were firefighters on scene, police officers, ATF investigators, accelerant dogs, red cross disaster relief, helicopters, media, attorney’s, neighbors- so many people. in the middle of my mess it became clear how big this was.

the rest of the day is a blur. i remember being told that there wasn’t much to stick around for, so i left. i wasn’t sure where to go or what to do, but i wasn’t supposed to be there- they didn’t need me in the way. boyfriend stayed by my side every minute. there would have been no functioning otherwise. we found a number to call my dad’s second wife- the step mum that i grew up with and we stopped by her house for a bit. we stopped at the café where my dad had coffee every morning to eat some lunch. we stopped at the dealership where i bought my car to check in with one of my dad’s best friends. we drove around a bit. what do you do? where do you go? finally boyfriend and i decided to just head home. there was nothing for me to do or see there. i would just be in the way and in the middle of everything.

we somehow made it home. i remember reading all the news stories online. telling myself not to, but unable to keep from looking. trying to sort it all out, trying to piece it together, to make some sense of it.

at some point during the week they were able to recover all three bodies. just recover. not rescue. not save. just recover. you learn not to ask questions. you learn there’s some things you don’t want to know.

i wanted to ask *where* they found the bodies (as much of a *where* as you can get from a situation like that). i wanted to know if they almost made it out, if they were stuck somewhere, were they still asleep? questions like that don’t solve anything though. would it have been better if they had ALMOST gotten out? no. they still DIDN’T get out, and that’s all that matters in the end. we DID find out that they all died from smoke before the flames were able to get to them. that was my biggest fear. they didn’t feel any pain. one small piece of relief in the middle of it all. as far back as i can remember i’ve been TERRIFIED of fire. i remember laying awake as a little kid watching the smoke detectors all night to make SURE that little red light blinked every minute and it was working. i can’t even imagine dying in a fire and having to feel the flames. it terrifies me. always has. so to know that they didn’t have to suffer through that- one small piece of solace to hold onto.

this isn’t the end of all this by any means, but i think this is enough for now. just the facts ma’am. just the facts. so. that’s the start of it. the initial shock. on august 16th i lost my dad. my life shifted. it’s still shifting. it will never be the same again and i’m trying to learn what that means and where to go from here. but that’s the start of it.

so. you know. that’s all for now. more to come later.

is it fight LIKE the devil? or fight the devil?

this won’t be funny. i’m sorry, if you were looking for funny, come back in a while. maybe a long while. it may take quite some time to get back to funny.

this year is shit. I’m just going to throw that out there. don’t know too many people who will disagree at this point. it’s been shit for everyone, I’m not some random odd sad exclusive case. it’s been a fucked up shitty munchkin ass sucking year. I’ve yelled at the universe a few times and told it to back the fuck off. it did for a moment. little did I know that moment was just the back swing to a bigger hit. I said before that this year sucked but it hadn’t hit home yet. just around and close by. this one hit home. this one hit the motherfucking core. this one hit dead fucking center in the middle of it all. this one hurt.

on october 23, sometime between 130 and 415 in the afternoon, my little brother ended his life. he was 27. had actually just turned 27 in september. he just…you know…it was too much for him. there was so much going on. and it’s sad to learn, but the demons I’ve been battling forever are the same ones that plagued him. oh how I wish I had known. I don’t know if there’s comfort or more misery in knowing someone shares the same battles you do. you hurt for them because you know the pain, but at the same time you hurt less because you can share the pain. I don’t know what being a survivor of suicide is supposed to be like- i was given a few handouts that I read over, and it sounds like I’m not doing it right. but I don’t know if there is a right in this situation. I’m not angry. I don’t have any unanswered question. I don’t think it was selfish. I don’t think it was stupid. I don’t think it was some fucking mental illness or problem. he was just hurting. a broken spirit. I get it. from beginning to end, I get it. does it make it any easier? fuck no. do I wish he had found another path? hell yes. but do I get it? damn straight I do. I understand. I can see the path he walked. I can think the thoughts I’m sure he thought. because I’ve been there. I’ve been in that dark corner staring down that same fucking demon. I’ll never know for sure, but I think I can see. and it hurts. because I’ve felt the same things. I’ve written the same things he wrote in his goodbye letter. and that scares me. if we’ve had the same thoughts and walked the same path. and he lost the battle…what does that mean for me? I don’t want to lose this battle. but I can see how easily it can be lost. he wrote in his letter that he was broken and didn’t want to be fixed. I know that feeling. holy fucking pain and darkness do I know that feeling. and your soul hurts. and you feel so broken. and you don’t want to bother people trying to fix you because you don’t feel you can be fixed. and you feel like you’re wasting their time and your time. and you feel like such a burden. and you don’t want everyone worrying about you or stressing about you. but they do, mostly because they don’t understand and just want to make it go away. but those feelings can’t just go away. and there’s those people telling you to just get over it- like it’s a choice you’re making to feel that way and if you would just snap out of it- like it’s your own fault and your own decision to be stuck in that dark endless cave. yes, it’s so enjoyable, I chose to be there. fuck off. obviously spoken from someone who has never been there and desperately clawed to fight their way out only to end up deeper than they started. and then you feel like even more of a failure because you’re letting them down…and the spiral continues. it’s evil. it’s dark. and it gets a hold of you in ways that can’t be explained. and I think he was like me…you put on this face and people may know you’re having a bad day but they have no idea how fucking bad it really is. I’m not good at playing my cards close. I have a feeling and you can see it on my face. steve was a better card player than me. he held it close. obviously no one knew how deep this went for him.
but even though I get it, even though I understand the choice, it doesn’t make it any easier. and the strangest things are so hard for me right now. I’m so jealous and angry at his friends. growing up steve and I had basically no relationship. I would go to our dad’s house for two weeks during the summer, the occasional spring break, very few holidays or any other event (if any…can’t actually remember any other times I went there). into our adult lives I wasn’t there…he lived with my oldest brother for a while and I went to see them once. I wasn’t there when he joined the army. I got to welcome him home from the war later though. I wasn’t there when he graduated dive school. I wasn’t there for holidays. for the first time I was able to see where he lived over in seattle, the beach that he loved, his home, but it was only after his death to clean out his things. I see his friends, his family, they have all these memories and steve stories. and I don’t. and I’m jealous. I’m angry for the stolen years when we were kids. I’m angry at myself for not making it over to see him. I’m angry at my older brother for living closer and being able to go to all the football games and baseball games and lunches and events. I’m angry at his friends that got to see him and know him and love him. I’m jealous of all their memories. all their remembrances. all their pictures and stories and things to look back on. I see theses scraps and remnants and I connect to them in a way I can’t explain. but I wasn’t there for any of them. I don’t know what made him laugh in those pictures. I don’t know what was behind the rooster head or hugging the giant gumball machine or the skydiving adventure. and I’ll never know.
but now there’s this gigantic battle in my head. I see how much he loved life when he loved it. I see how happy he was when he was happy. and I want to be that way. he was a drifter, a wandering spirit, and I envy that. I’ve been so locked down with responsibility for so long. I envy being able to change jobs and move and spend days on the beach or out with friends or creating art work. I wish I could be that way. I wish I could leave this job and do something that I love, not just something that pays the bills. I wish I had the courage to just be myself all the time and do what I loved and not try to be what I’m expected to be or what my family is comfortable with me being. was he some kind of saint? no. was he perfect? no. I’m not trying to make him into some glowing being. he was in trouble, he was drifting, he had to be bailed out now and again. he rarely finished what he started. he didn’t always make the best decisions. but isn’t that what life is about? trying things out and finding what fits you? I envy that he was able to do that. I crave being able to do that.
and while I’m calling out demons…you have to call them all out. you have to face them all, or you can’t deal with them. so I’m going there. I’m going to say it, and I know before I say it how fucked up it is. I get it. but I have to say it because it’s rolling around in my head and I have to face it: I’m jealous that he got out. I’m jealous that he doesn’t have to fight any more. I’m jealous that he could go and not feel stuck here for someone or something. and YES…I know how fucked up that thought is. a big part of that is that I know the not being able to be fixed feeling. and that’s a lot to carry around. and he doesn’t have to worry about being fixed any more. he doesn’t have to be the broken one walking around letting his family down.
wow. that was hard to say. it’s hard to express how long that last paragraph took to type…just know this…two hours. yes. that small paragraph took two hours to write. but I said it. once you say it, it isn’t so scary. and it’s not as threatening. you can read it and see how fucked up it is and it makes everything less…whatever…
so. that’s where I’m at right now kids. I’m sorry if it’s sketchy and jumpy and doesn’t make sense. it doesn’t make sense to me either. I just had to get it out.

what did you do for summer vacation?

well, since the kids are probably doing one of these right now, suppose i’d better do one too. especially since i’ve been terrible about keeping up on blogs lately...and there’s been A LOT to keep up on.

so. what did i do this summer?

well, If you’ve been following along on facebook or twitter, you’ll know that the past few months have been rough. well...rough is putting it kindly. while i haven’t suffered any direct blows, the gusts from passing hurricanes have been enough to knock me well off course and leave me questioning many things.

back in may 1/2our child support disappeared which didn’t seem too bad at first...but then i started looking at the numbers and back to school, babysitting, winter bills...it made sense to move instead of staying where we were. it was either stay and be to the penny or move and have a little wiggle room. i decided being stressed out all the time didn’t sound so fun. what’s that you say? didn’t we JUST move? why yes, yes we did. in fact a few odds and end boxes were still packed. SO...june was filled with trying to figure out what to do, where to go, downsizing, deciding what to keep and what we could part with. it’s gotten easier over the years thankfully. one good thing about moving so often (tally is officially 11 times in 11 years now) is that you learn not to be a pack rat: you learn not to be attached to anything...which is good and bad. i laugh at people that say they’ve been hanging on to clothes for 10 years hoping they’ll fit into them...oh hell no! that would mean i’ve moved clothes i haven’t worn in years multiple times! screw that! needless to say, value village received a hefty donation from us. AGAIN. there were also many adds placed on craigslist to help pare down AGAIN.

so...july comes around, we have oldest spawn’s birthday (can you believe i have an 11 year old?? UGH.). we find a place to move into, and, we have a week off from babysitting. what do you do when there’s a week of no babysitter but no time off work? you find a back up. i decided to let my mum have the boys for a week which was NOT an easy decision for me. at all. and i’m still kicking myself for it. BUT...having both boys out of the house made it MUCH easier for me to pack and get things ready for the move. so...boys left for the week, i started packing, then the biggest blow of the summer hit. on july 27th i had a phone call from oldest spawns dad that: brace yourselves: his wife and infant son had died. i’m sorry...WHAT?! that doesn’t happen anymore! but i guess it does. she was 27, full term pregnancy, just...gone. both of them. for some reason she stopped breathing and by the time they were able to get baby out he had been without oxygen too long so he lost both of them. WHAT? no. they were a young, happy, healthy couple. this doesn’t happen to people. this is FUCKED UP. no. this is not what happens. she pops out baby, they have a happy little cul-de-sac life and go about their business...spawn becomes a big brother again...it all goes on as planned. THIS IS NOT THE PLAN. which, if i’m thinking that on the far edges of this, i can’t imagine what was happening at the epicenter. so. i have to get a hold of my mum, let her know what’s going on, let her know that son will be getting picked up so his dad can tell him the news. WOW. that was on a monday, so the rest of the week was spend juggling work, packing, moving, large spawn going to/from dad’s house, viewing, funeral, trying to maintain some kind of normalcy. that was a helluva week. a long week. in the middle of it, my cute neighbors from the last house call and let me know they’ve had their baby...nice and healthy, things are going great...so hard to hear in the middle of everything else. so. we’re moving. both landlords (new and old) are being difficult, there’s a funeral- it’s crazy. the two days i did the actually moving were BOTH record breaking days on the heat scale which SUCKED. i’ve always moved in the winter time which i have to say i would do a million times over before moving in the summer time again. SUCK. things are crazy, we’re between two houses, trying to get everything done...and of course that’s not enough to balance. my dad came to town for my company picnic which was the saturday i was moving. hoped to be done in time so we could all go, but that wasn’t working out, so i was hoping he’d be able to take youngest spawn while oldest spawn was at the funeral and i was finishing up moving. turns out my mum decided to take my youngest son to the funeral WITHOUT ASKING for no reason AND let him do a viewing of the casket containing not only the oldest spawns step mother but also the infant baby. now i’ve never personally done a viewing, but i know they’re hard when it’s an adult. they’re crazy hard when there’s a child or a baby. most adults can’t handle it. and here she is taking my six year old through the line to see. WHAT THE FUCK? and i’m sitting at home trying to call her because she was supposed to be dropping off small son for the company picnic and for FOUR HOURS i couldn’t reach her. which when you combine her and my small spawn and being out of reach, previous circumstances, moving stress...you can only guess how crazy that made me. add in the insane heat and zero sleep and exhaustion from moving heavy things (really, i need foam furniture). i was losing my mind by the end of the day. it was NOT good. i was a freaking mess. those of you whom have been unfortunate enough to see e go crazy...multiply that by about 5. thankfully the small child came home, the moving was finished, it was time for a breather...right? yeah, not so much. the next week was spent unpacking, cleaning the new place (seems they forgot to get that done before i moved in), trying to patch things together for oldest son before he left on a road trip with his dad (they decided they both needed time together to help each other get over the atom bomb that had been dropped on them). it wasgoing rough, but not horrible compared to the previous week. but, it was to the point where i actually laughed on wednesday night and said: “it can’t get much worse. what the hell can thursday throw at me that hasn’t already hit?” i was joking. i was being factious. apparently thursday did not get the message. first thing thursday morning (8/6) i get a phone call that my younger brother had an accident earlier in the week and is in a medically induced coma in seattle. turns out he had an accident on his bike(pedal bike), the chain broke, he went ass over teakettle and fractured his skull requiring 4 hours of neurosurgery to relieve the bleeding putting pressure on his brain. he’s fine now (well, recovering anyway...not just “fine” after something like that..but survived in once piece). but holy shit! at this point i lost my temper with the universe a little bit and not so politely asked it to “back the fuck off and give me a little breathing room” (don’t believe me? check my twitter around that time...i actually ended up cursing out the universe a few times that week). happy to report, the universe has been very compliant and has backed off. things are going well now...cross your fingers and hope i didn’t jinx myself again!!

BUT...little brother is in the hospital, my car decided to pick this time for the pcv pipe to fail which, if you don’t know, that part controls the vacuum on your car. it turns out that’s slightly important- the vacuum helps the engine run, helps the brakes run, basically makes your car go and stop. without a pcv pipe it’s pretty damn hard to do either. so i can’t exactly jet over to seattle to see my brother...i’m just waiting for phone call updates and news...just a bit stressful. good news is it all turned out okay. car has since been fixed, little brother has since been released from the hospital, universe, as i stated has in fact backed off a bit (okay, a LOT...thank you universe!). things have calmed back down- for me anyway. but plenty of friends are still getting hit pretty damn hard. it’s been a shitty summer all the way around it seems.

so, what does it look like after the dust settles? well, oldest son is doing well for such a HUGE loss this young. we have good days and bad days. i’m trying to give him room but not let him get away with everything. it’s a fine line to walk and there’s not really many user guides on how to deal with shit like this. but he’s back to school now and that’s helping too. youngest son had a good summer all counted. time at the lake, learned to swim, nothing really big in his world besides the move. on the plus side, SINCE the move he had been staying dry at night and not needing diapers which has been a HUGE battle for us...so yea! me...well, i’m still crazy. but doing okay. it’s been a lot. it’s been a hard summer. the good news is that the state is actually working on my child support case so one way or another something will happen. we have an AMAZING new house how (triplex) that has such an amazing vibe to it. the new neighborhood is amazing, we have great people, great friends around us for the first time since moving to town two years ago (instead of being stuck in “the ghetto” part of town with everyone all spread out). i’ve had more people over and more get together’s/bbq’s at the new house in the month since we moved than i’ve had in the two years since we moved to spokane. I LOVE IT. it’s so great i can’t even say. we’re back into a small two bedroom apartment which i honestly LOVE more than the houses we’ve been in. never thought i’d go back to an apartment, but it’s so nice having everything close, only rooms that we use (both of the houses had rooms we never stepped foot into). the budget is better now so we can breathe and i won’t be so stressed out all the time (well, about that part of life anyway!). when all’s said and done, it’s so much better now. there’s still shit going on, it’s by no means fairy tales and rainbows now, but it’s closer now than it’s been in a LONG time.

this is surprisingly a really readers digest version of the summer. there was much more emotion, craziness, overall white coat inducing insanity than could ever be communicated. it seemed for a few weeks there that universe was honestly seeing how far it could push before i checked into a ward...wanted to write at those times but it was too much. it’s better now with a little time- a little perspective. i’m still working through most of it in my head- giant issues like: why did it work out when spawns dad and i got knocked up and did it all backwards but went to shit when he planned and prepared and did it the right way? how do you explain death to an 11 year old? how do you explain why his baby brother never had a chance to breathe? how do you explain to ANYONE why that happened? how do you deal with family when one side never stops letting you down and the other side never stops yelling at you for not trusting the side that lets you down? what happens when you see the world falling apart for everyone around you and you realize that a) you have no one close enough that would be that devastating to lose, and that b) you have no one to help you that through all the shit? how do you deal with the feeling of jealousy over someone that just lost their spouse because at least they had someone they loved and were that close to? what do you do when you realize you’ve become so bitter and jaded that it’s hard to imagine being any other way?

well. this just took a turn for the dark. welcome to my head. i keep trying to block those things out because i just honestly can’t face them or deal with them right now but they’re obviously still kicking around in there.

time to distract: SO. that was my summer “vacation”. it’s actually nice to have everyone back to school, have a routine again, a bedtime, a schedule. i’m sure there will be adjustments along the way- oldest spawn will actually be challenged and have homework and hard projects for the first time. he’ll also be around peers that are ALL like him now so it won’t be as easy for him to play king of the world...might do him a bit of good! youngest spawn is doing great so far in first grade...good teacher, excited to be learning. this year’s first day of school went a MILLION times better than the first day last year (if you don’t remember that blog...well, it’s been a year and i still can’t think of it without way too many bad words popping in my head!). this weekend they get to run away and visit the grandparents for a few days and do their final back to school shopping (read: coerce grandparents into spoiling them rotten). anyway. good vibe. good house. good kids. things are good right now. crossing my fingers and hoping it lasts for a while!

look! it's a sharp tooth!

so. i have to write a blog today. i probably don't have the time to, but i have so much stuff in my head that i need to get it all out.

first up: gummy worms. have you opened a package lately? holy. sugar. rush. the smell alone is enough to send most people into a diabetic coma. then there's the actual partaking of said worm like food. who thought it was a good idea to shape a candy like a worm in the first place? it's fascinating to me. i remember growing up they had candy cigarettes too. smart. well done. getting generations of kids addicted to holding cigarette before they can even figure out how to work a lighter for the real ones (hell, i STILL can't work a lighter most of the time). anyway...gummy worms...they are horrible. you know they're horrible. but you still have to eat them if they're there. i don't know what it is. i found a package in the bottom of my purse today (still not sure how it got there...i think it's a leftover of the dinosaur show...more on that later). so, i found this package...and you HAVE to eat them if you find them. you HAVE to. so i cut the package open...good christmas. SUGAR. but they are "made with real fruit juice" so there you have it. they're perfectly healthy. one of my coworkers had one (because you have to if they're around) and made the comment that they're not the consistency of anything anyone should actually eat. i laughed because it's true. they're like jello after it's been left out and has that hard little edge on it. you shouldn't eat that part. but some smart person cut that part off, shaped it like a worm, and made it an attractive snack food. well done sir, whomever you might have been. well done.

ok. second. i know i wrote about the iphone application in my last blog, but i am STILL fascinated by the shaken baby app. i mean really? who was sitting around in a board room or an office trying to think of new applications and though...HEY...there's a lot of rednecks sitting out there wondering what the fastest, most efficient way to shake their girlfriend's baby to death is...we should make an app for THAT. and so they did. i mean REALLY?? yes, i will admit it's morbidly funny, but REALLY? an app? where you shake the phone till the baby's eyes are replaced with a great big X?? i mean COME ON. sure it's funny to do it to your friends simulation baby that they got in home ec class back in high school...you know it's going to screw their grade over BIG TIME, but that's not the same...is it?? okay, so that one is a "real" baby and this is just a phone...but still! is there a world record for fastest shaking time? a certain technique that helps you shake them faster (oh heavens...just had a flash back to the snl sketch with alec baldwin about shaking the wii-mote for whatever game that was). i just can't wrap my head around it. REALLY? with all the news reports lately about child abuse and shaken babies?? and you, oh great iphone, thought it would be good to put out a game that promotes that?? REALLY? i wonder if i can get a copy for my lg phone....hmmm....

so. i got to go see dinosaurs this weekend. like REAL dinosaurs. i know what you're thinking...they're extinct! yeah...that's what you thought! suckers! conspiracy theory! they were real, i swear! went and saw walking with dinosaurs at the yakima sundome this weekend. it's a super cool show put on by bbc that has life size dinosaurs they've created that walk around, attack each other, roar, fly, all of it (one of them even shat on stage after eating a bunch of plants...not kidding). the biggest one was the long neck (can you tell i paid attention and learned the real names?!?!) was 72' from nose to tail...FREAKING HUGE. it was pretty cool. the t-rex came out and fought with some of the other ones after they were picking on the baby t-rex...it really was amazing. all the kids loved it (even my niece who is only a few months old...she was giggling and jumping all over the place!), and the adults were all pretty damn impressed too! never thought i'd be into a dinosaur show. i feel like ross. only without the super greasy hair and obnoxious voice.

so. we got to see my niece and nephew this weekend obviously (thus the note about her giggling and jumping...see how that works?) i've forgotten how stinking cute babies are. first, she's super cool because she wears her hair like me. love her. my own fan already. ok. so she's only 5 months old and it's only like mine because it's all rubbed off in the back but they don't want to cut the long parts in the front...it's still cool! we all stayed the night at my dad's house saturday night (after the dinosaurs) and i heard her wake up in the middle of the night (mommy radar never goes away apparently). after listening to her fuss for about a half hour i figured no one else could hear her, so i went down to check on her...such a dolly. she snuggled right into my shoulder and cried and hiccuped for a while before falling back asleep...so i sat down in one of the rockers with her and we slept in the chair all night. i forgot how sweet baby snuggles like that are. awww...but can i just say i'm glad it was ONE night and i got to catch up on sleep again the next night...ha ha ha...cute for a minute, but i like my sleep! couldn't do it again! she was funny too...she's into the HEY...I HAVE A TONGUE phase...always sticking it out and chewing on it...freaking cracked me up. if you held her you were bound to be licked at some point. or drooled on. or spit up on. my nephew cracks me up to. that kid is funny. they have him on a super short leash when it comes to rules, but it's working for them and he's so stinking cute. my brother had taught him to repeat all sorts of great things...and just recently decided maybe they shouldn't watch "cops" together when my nephew pointed to the screen: "hey look, it's a dead guy!" NICE. well done.at the dino show he was so excited. he's been watching land before time to get ready for it, learning the different types of dinosaurs, all ready to go...and he was so excited to see them. didn't freak him out at all. sharp tooth! be a good memory for him.

on a serious note:

a friend of mine passed away a few weeks ago. it's shaken me quite a bit more than i thought it would. i've lost a few people in life, but nothing that's really hit home like this one. my nana died when i was in my teens. she was an adopted grandmother of sorts. i remember going to her house as a kid...grilled cheese and tomato soup. and she had milk-glass vases and dishes and everything all over her house. a few kids died while i was in high school, but i wasn't particularly close to any of them, it was sad but didn't really bother me. my step-grandmother died two summers ago. unexpected stroke. i guess it should have been more important since she was around more than my actual grandparents, but in all honestly, she was crazy (like drama queen crazy) and i couldn't really stand to be around her for very long.

i don't know why joshua's death is hitting so hard. we met probably close to two years ago...we went out a few times, he cooked me dinner one night (the only guy that's ever done that for me as a date). we would hang out, talk, nothing much, no serious relationship, hell, we never even slept together. he was a great guy though. such a great guy, crazy sense of humor, always laughing and making everyone around him laugh. he moved to arizona a while ago to work in the scrap metal business with his cousin. called me every now and again to chat and catch up. he had just moved back to town in october and called me in february to let me know he was back. we were planning lunch some time but scheduled never quite matched up. we weren't super close. i knew him but didn't know any of his friends or family (besides what i'd heard about them). it took me a few hours to find a phone number to call to find out if he'd really passed away or not (i work with his neighbor and she called me to ask if i knew about anything happening to him). the whole thing is just odd. he was only 38. died of a heart attack they think. it's just odd. you know? i was making plans with him just a few weeks ago, now it will never happen. and i think the thing is missing is that it was such a shock and there's not really anyone to talk to about it. i didn't know his friends, i missed his memorial service this weekend. it's just left out there. and honestly, even if i had been in town i don't know if i could have gone. a room full of strangers with one missing common connection. i did call one of his friends max (the one i finally reached that was able to confirm his death) and left a message to let him know how much joshua loved him. josh and i couldn't have a conversation without a story about max. i could tell how much they cared about each other. the last time we talked joshua was SO EXCITED because max and his partner had just found a surrogate to carry a baby for them. joshua had to have mentioned it at least three times. he was so stoked. and i had to let max know that. but where else to i say it? say how much he meant to me? he was the only guy i knew that names his car...and his couch...and his bed. he's the only person that i've ever know that owned and smoked from a hookah (cherry cola tobacco smelled so good). joshua had a movie script that he'd written a few years ago that he really wanted to publish...and it was a good script too. good storyline. and he laughed...he loved to laugh. and you had to laugh with him. so relaxed and fun to be around. i'll miss his random phone calls. every now and again i'd answer the phone and hear "hi sweetie!" he's the only one that ever called me that...or that i would ever let call me that! he could pull it off. he introduced me to the freaking awesome music of richard cheese. he told stories about traveling all over the world and made me want to jump on a plane. he loved his friends and had a huge group of people around him that he's been close to since he was a little kid...i was always jealous of that. he loved kids. he was a nanny of sorts for his friend with 5 kids and he loved talking about and spending time with those kids. his home was eclectic and comfortable, you felt instantly at home there. he was always coming up with a new idea or a new project. he was going to start a business in spokane called onesource that would be a rival for kinkos but ended up moving to arizona to help out his cousin. the last time i talked to him he was in the process of buying a hot dog stand to open up near gonzaga. a fucking hotdog stand. who does that? it was so crazy and so logical and so joshua. college kids...cheap, easy hot dogs on the way to class...fucking genius. he was always on the go and always full of ideas and projects. he didn't want to be tied down or attached to anyone in particular, something i could completely understand and relate to. he talked about a girlfriend that was living with him helping pay the bills during the transition from arizona back to here, but he couldn't wait to kick her to the curb and have his place all back to himself again (oddly, she introduced herself as his girlfriend the first time she called me to tell me about his death and then introduced herself as his fiancee' the second time she called to let me know...odd...were they really engaged? or did she change it because it sounds better to say fiancee' when you're calling people than "girlfriend"??). he was just so young you know? and i guess he always seemed way too full of life to have it just disappear so suddenly like that. i'll miss him so much. we weren't that close, we didn't spend a ton of time together, but i'll miss him.

ugh.

okay. have to change the topic.

so. i've been reading a book of bizarre facts and stories. one of the things under the music session was an annual festival in tennessee that was for non-musical instruments which i think is a fan-fucking-tastic idea. how much fun would that be? it said they had people that played fire alarm bells, rain tubs, all sorts of things. think of how fun that could be. anything you can make a noise with or tap out a rhythm on. i think it would be a blast to see what people come up with. if you know of anyone having a non-musical instrument jam, let me know, i would totally love to go! also in the bizarre book of facts: everyone has a unique tongue print. i never knew that before. hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia is the fear of long words (huh...nice short name for that fear), geliophobia is the fear of laughter, graphophobia is the fear of writing (maybe i should get checked for this one), scolionophobia is the fear of school (don't let my oldest one know this...he'll totally try to use it), venustraphobia is the fear of beautiful women (many people have been known to tremble in my presence, this explains it.) so. that's enough for one day i think. i want ice cream.