excuse vs reality

2015 is all of 16 days old and it's already started with a bang.

i'm working on arranging an interview to get back into published magazine writing for a local brand which is VERY exciting.

i've written and had a piece accepted for OffBeat Homes. Publication is loosely scheduled in a few weeks online (and more to possibly come!).

i've worked on organizing the house and have actually been keeping up on things and making myself JUST DO IT instead of sitting on the couch hating myself for not doing it (ie: fixing the bathtub and sink in the main bathroom that weren't draining. i'm like a super hot bob villa (i've been told i'm actually not. whatever.)).

AND: one of the things i'm proud of: i've been getting my ass OFF THE COUCH. it started with doing the rowing machine while watching tv at night (only after finishing other chores). i just made myself do it. no particular reason or trick- just. did.

i also am contemplating roller derby.

and that's where my main battle is right now.

what's the difference between an excuse and a reality?

i want to do roller derby.

not because i'm all WOO HOO! GO SPORTS TEAM! i'm not. i didn't do sports in high school. well, i was a cheerleader, but if you knew our squads you'd know it was more of a whoever showed up for try outs and not one of those competitions you seen on ESPN 8, The Ocho.

i want to do it because i know it's a great way to get in shape and be active and biggest part: because i know it's an amazing group of supportive, strong, confident women that help each other and accept each other and that sounds DAMN AMAZING.

BUT.

practices start at 7:30 on tuesdays and thursdays. shouldn't seem like a big deal, but for the kiddo, that half hour before bedtime of me not being home is pretty much on par with abandonment. not to mention the 3 hours saturday morning practice. i went on tueday night (yay! survived an actual practice!) and wednesday morning the kiddo was a nasty grouch and wendesday night he was a bundle of LOOK AT ME while i was trying to get photos taken for the OffBeat Homes article. In the space of an hour while editing pictures i had to ask him three different times, "Can we do this later?" because he kept interrupting with school papers, permission slips, etc.

if that's the way it's going to be three times a week? oh. my. pending. insanity.

he always has been a high maintenance kid and i have been trying to figure out the balance between telling him to just deal with it and not ignoring him FOREVER. he's the type of kid that you can spend ALL DAY WITH and the next morning he's insulted you don't want to do it all over again and insisting you NEVER do anything with him. it's been like that as long as i can remember.

i already feel guilty enough for him being home alone before and after school while i'm at work. and i have this HUGE ball of parental fuck up in my gut at all times for my down time while dealing with depression. what toll would it be emotionally and mentally to me to add more away time (even just a half hour) to the fire? how much would his behavior shift and would it be a constant battle?

is this an excuse or a reality?

additionally, there's the fact of WHEN, not if i get injured. it seems like everyone in derby has a story of when they messed up their ankle or knee or arm or miscellaneous body part. i have ZERO wiggle room or cushion for missing work. i have no one to watch the kiddo if i'm in the hospital for any length of time. i have no savings account or fall back if there's medical bills or missed pay. one injury would wipe me out across the board. YES, i fully realize i could get injured walking down the street or driving to and from work with the same consequences. that, to me, is drastically different from signing up for something that has an inevitability versus a possibility.

again though, excuse or reality?

there's the thought that since i'm considering spending money on dues and gear i could put that towards personal trainer sessions/gym fees and be able to work out after the kiddo is in bed and get the same health benefits. but that misses out on the interaction and belonging to something or being a part of a group.

there's the thought that i can't let the kiddo dictate my life forever, i need to just GO. but i know my brain and i know it would be a constant nagging/distracting thought.

so. here i am, waffling. if it's just excuses i can kick myself in the ass and say SUCK IT UP.

if it's a reality then i need to find a work around or alternate solution.

 and i really just don't know.

fear:

so. i will admit to fear. i'm afraid of some normal things like snakes and extreme heights. i'm also scared of odd things like having my curtains open at night (you never know when you're going to look out and see a serial killer with a hook hand) or having my house burn down at night and the smoke detectors not going off (i used to lay awake at night staring at the smoke detectors making sure the red light flashed every few minutes).

i'm afraid of something happening to my kids. i'm afraid of something happening to my family. i'm afraid of many things.

i've also overcome many fears: i've had to walk through fire at times to be able to support my kids. i've had to pack up and move on ZERO planning. i've been able to make ends meet even when it seemed impossible. i've been through hurt. i've been through betrayal. i've been through abuse. i've been through heartbreak. i've lost friends and family. i've been through things that break some people. i've walked through those fires and come out the other side.

this weekend i admitted to a new fear. one i didn't know i had. actually, i don't know if it's new, or simply one i've been afraid to admit to before now (you know it's bad when your afraid to say what you're afraid of). but one thing i've learned in life is that you can't over come your fears until you call them by name, make them step out of the shadows, and face them head on. i've been afraid of depression: and i've learned to call it what it is, say when it's attacking, and learned how to battle it. so. here i go again: i'm calling out this fear: i'm naming it. hopefully i can find a way to over come it:

i'm afraid of what will happen if i become a better me. now hold on...follow me on this one: i'm afraid of what would happen if i get rid of all my excuses. if i mellow my quirks, lose my chubby bunny weight, learn patience, acceptance. i'm scared of what will happen if i break down the walls i've spent so long putting up. there's a bit of a catch: i'm already a damn good me. i love me. i'm a strong, intelligent, amazing person. i would be a damn good catch for some lucky guy just as i am. but i know there's room for improvement: i know there are things about me i can make better. but there's a fear that goes along with that. you see, right now i KNOW why i'm not "datable": it's me. it's things about me that keep guys away. i haven't let anyone any close enough to let it be someone else. it's always my fault why things don't work out. it's because i'm too quirky/picky. i'm too much of a bitch. i won't let someone get close enough to care about. i'm too chubby for them. i'm not neat enough for them. i have a dark sense of humor. i'm too sarcastic. it's all things about ME. only me.

in one of my last posts i vomited about how i really don't believe there's anyone out there willing to take on a single mom with two high needs kids. and the complete honest truth is that i'm scared to find out FOR SURE. i've had people say it. i've had SEVERAL people say it. but i'm scared to really test their words. right now i can hide behind my bitchiness and my weight. i can blame being single on myself. it's all ME. i'm too chubby to be datable. i'm too honest. i'm a bitch. i'm too quirky. it's all me. i'm scared that if i "fix" myself then it will be something else. something i can't fix. and i can't face that.

it doesn't matter how much weight i lose, or how pollyanna i become: weight loss won't fix aspergers. being the nicest person on earth won't make dealing with one of the smartest kids i know any easier. what happens if i fix me and things still don't work out? what if the simple truth is that no one wants to take on high needs kids? i don't want that to be the reason. i CAN'T LET that be the reason. it's ok when it's me. it's not ok if it's them. i am the way i am because I CHOOSE TO BE. i can change me. they can't. they didn't ask to be the way they are. and they don't deserve to be blamed or an excuse or anything. they're perfect and wonderful kids, and i don't want anyone to see them as anything other than that.

i was told i need to work on my first impression. does that even matter? does it matter how smooth and polished and amazing my first impression is if they won't stick around after that? I WANT TO BE THE REASON. i have to be the reason. that's all there is to it. i don't think i can walk through this fear. i don't see how. but then again...i rarely see how until i'm looking back at the trail that was blazed.

thank you captain obvious

so. i'm trying to learn.

it's okay to feel things. without blaming something/having an excuse.
it's okay to be sad and cry without saying it's pms.
it's okay to be upset about things and explore why instead of just trying to make it go away.
it's okay to be depressed and hurt and sad and heartbroken without creating a joke to cover it up.

crying doesn't mean i'm weak or being a drama queen or overly emotional. it means i'm a person. and i'm allowing myself to BE a person.

today was a hard day for no reason in particular. and part of the way through the day i just wanted to have a good cry but i kept talking myself out of it and blaming pms and telling myself to knock it off. then i finally stopped and asked myself why it's so wrong to just cry it out sometimes. why is it so bad to allow myself that moment? and just ALLOW it. don't try to make an excuse. don't try to make a joke. don't try to rush it along. just allow it. just be there. in that moment. let my heart and my mind go through that. let my spirit purge and heal.

and so i did. i let myself have that moment. i put in my mp3 ear buds and bawled my way through taking off my make up and washing my face and brushing my teeth. i'm letting myself feel it while i'm writing this. i'm not making an excuse. i'm just feeling.

it's odd for me. and it's scary. and i honestly don't like it. it seems like once you get started ALL of it wants to come out at once which is feeling like a LOT too much for one night. it's been hard typing this because i keep wanting to joke or be bitchy or cover up my exposed part. i think the hardest part is makes me feel the gap of not having someone to share all this with. which is getting harder every day. maybe it's because its spring time and everyone around me is coupling off. maybe it's because my youngest spawn will be 7 on friday which means it's been over 6 years since i was part of a "we" (as short lived as even that was). i just know that as much as i've said it before, it feels so much more this time around. maybe it's simply because i'm actually learning to let myself feel.