THE PROJECT: week 1

Okay.

So.

I'm going to start a project and I'm very excited about this and I'm going to record it and I'm going to type it and I'm going to make myself do it.

One year. I have to pay child support for a year. a little over a year at least.

So I'm going to go on lockdown for a year and this is...it's going to be a growth challenge and I'm going to take it.

I'm going to commit a year to it. I'm going to cut my budget as much as I can. I'm going to go car free. I'm going to sell Ginger or surrender her to the loan company. I know it's terrible for your credit but I need that payment gone so I can pay child support so I can stay in my apartment. So. There it is.

I took out a loan last year when I moved. I needed moving expenses, brakes for the car. I consolidated all my debit/payments so there would only be one per month. Paid everything off. Used the car for collateral.

Because it was hard adjusting to my budget cuts. And I was not as financially responsible and conservative and smart as I needed to be as early on as I needed to be. And I really resisted going backwards to being poor. Once you get used to being able to spend money it's really hard to adjust back. And I did allow myself to enjoy spending money for a while after selling the house. It was nice to not be poor. It was nice to be able to go out to dinner or buy clothes or just do things or live. It was really hard to cut back on, and now I’m struggling. And it's frustrating because the car was completely paid for and I carefully budgeted to be able to pay the loan payment every month. But it is what it is. Things change. It will be a challenge. It'll be a good chance to figure out what it's like to live without a car for a year. I'm actually very excited about this. It will force me to be healthy. I live .08 miles from work it's super close. You can see the building from my apartment. I can just walk to work. I can instacart groceries, I can coordinate with friends to go shopping at Walmart or Target or wherever I need to go.

I can ask for help. That's that's a very hard thing for me to say.

This is...this is a challenge. But I can make it work. I can. I can make it work. I live close to downtown. I can be the city girl. I can be Sex in the City. I can walk to meet friends for drinks, which I won't be doing much anyway because I'll be on strict financial lockdown. But I can make it work. I can make laundry work. I can make shopping work. I can make everything work. I can do lime scooters this summer. I could maybe get an electric scooter at Costco. I could maybe get one cheap and have that as a backup.  It depends if I'm able to sell the car or if I have to surrender it, but there's options. I'm working on it. Walking won't be the worst thing for me anyway. I told myself I was going to walk more when I got this job and I have not been doing that. I own that. This will be good.

I'm excited. I get to be the city girl. I get to be the young lovely *coughfortycough* something living and working close to downtown. I can Melanie Griffith my shoes to work. I’m excited to get to challenge this and figure this out I'm just really excited about this year.

It's going to be a good challenge. It's going to be a challenge for staying on top of things. Stay on top of my mental health care. Staying on top of taking my vitamins and making sure that I'm doing what I need to do. It's going to make me write. I'm going to check in with people and be held accountable. I'm going to cut things out; I'm going to cut the internet out. I'm going to cut Hulu out. Going to try and reduce my bills as far down as I can. I can listen to audio books. I can write. I can go outside more. I can NOT sit and stare at my TV every night when I get home from work until I get up to go to work again the next day. It's not healthy. Big shocking news there. It's really not great for your mental health to just check out like that. I need to engage again. I need to write. I need to create. I need to do the things that I know that are good for my mental health I need to take care of myself going to be along here it's going to be a hard year and I'm going to have to safeguard and preemptively caution against that.

And really, just it's changes I've needed to do anyway. It's things I've said I was going to do.

I'm going to be an asshole and I'm going to ask people for help. I’m going to put some of the responsibilities on other people while taking responsibility for myself. I want to ask people for help. I want to ask people to check in with me. I want to ask ya'll to pretend like you read it every week and set a reminder to bug me if you haven't seen a post. You can do it on Google or on Twitter. Just set a reminder, schedule a weekly tweet to remind me please. I will be super excited to see the reminders and pretend every one is really real. It will help me to write. Yes, I can set my own electronic reminders (and did) but please make sure that I'm writing.

I don't want to hide anymore. I want to get it out there. I want to be fully open and honest. Why not? If I'm going through this somebody else somewhere might be going through this. I'm not even going to pretend I'm some special unicorn that's the only one going through a shity time. Going through budget cutbacks. Going through some ugly, tough shit.

I'm going to talk about it because I'm not the only one and we should be able to talk about it. We should be able to talk about it and not shame each other or judge each other just be open about it.

And what else do I have to do? I have a year. My calendar isn't exactly overflowing with appointments. Why not talk about it? Why not take the time and dedicate to it? Somebody's got to do it.  What's the old saying? You're never worthless, you can always be a bad example. I can be that bad example for all y'all. I’ll be your cautionary tale.

But all four of you that do read this I'm going to ask you to please, bug me, pretend to be interested in this. That would be great to help me stay on track.

I'm going to do it.

One a week.

52 weeks in a year.

One a week,  so that's 6 days procrastinate one day to write.

And i’m going to do stream of consciousness.  I'm just going to talk into a microphone and type it out for y'all. It's going to be interesting.

I'm going to talk about things. I'm going to get it out there. I'm going to open myself up. I'm hoping to maybe to do a short video and walk through my apartment, show you guys around so when I talk about things you can be here in my apartment with me.

Because that's what it feels like when I write. I feel like I'm just talking to somebody. So maybe I can make a video and show you guys my little space so that it feels like you're just sitting and having coffee with me.

I'm going to make myself to this. I've already lived in this apartment for a year. I can do it. I can I can do this for a year. What's a year? I have a longer streak on Timehop y'all. For real, I have a 3 year streak on Timehop.

I'm pretty sure I can manage a year of writing. I say I do it anyway so maybe I should actually do it.

I'm not going to edit anything out I'm going to leave it as it is.

Let's do this. 

You're going to get the boring stuff. The regular stuff. The processing stuff. The thinking about stuff.

Sometimes it'll be hard things. Sometimes it'll be funny things. I'm hilarious ya'll. It will be random jokes and the snide comments and probably some really stupid things because my education wasn't really top notch. Sorry you're stuck with me.

It's going to be hard though because I'm going to talk about things. I'm not going to hide anything anymore. And there's a lot of room for hate and a lot of room for judgment.

I'm bisexual, so spoiler alert, I'll probably talk about that.

And I'm going to talk about being an empty nester. I'm going to talk about what led me into being an empty nester. My feelings on parenthood and what the last 20 years has been like. I'm may talk about some sexual assault or trauma or healing because those are all things in my orbit right now. It will be me just figuring things out, but there's...there's a lot of room in my head. there's a lot of room for judgment. A lot of room for feedback. It's really scary.

But do I think I'm going to just have that many people read this? I'm afraid of not being good but I'm also afraid that I'm just going to smash it and go viral everybody's going to want to come in and comment on it. It's a very twisted place in my brain where I want everybody to read it but I'm terrified of everyone reading it. I want people to get it and be part of the conversation but I'm telling myself it's not even possible at the same time. I'm afraid of it being possible and impossible at the same time. And it just goes round and round in my head. 

This is why I don't post much. I think about all the ways I would argue and all the ways I would hate on whatever it is, because it's really east to hate myself. But I'm going to talk about stuff just like that. All the negative self talk. All the doubt. I'm going to say it all out loud and talk it out and let people know that I'm a human being...

This is a big risk. The risk of other people identifying with it or hating it. And a LOT of people like to think they know what's right for everybody else. They know the truth. But the truth is different for every single person.

What led me to this place, to this challenge, where I'm at and why I'm making these changes is different than anybody else. This isn't that exact same fight anyone else is going through, but it is. We're all just trying to make the budget work at the end of the day. Make sure we can survive and do what's best and healthiest for ourselves.

The circumstances might be different but the experiences the same.

So I hope that's what people take away from this I want to talk about my experience and be open about the scary stuff in the ugly stuff in the hard stuff. I'm going to say all the terrible things, all the shameful things, all the really hard things. 

Some things are really hard to talk about.

Imagine what it's like to live it.

So maybe, if we can just talk about it then it won't be so hard.

SO. HERE WE GO.

52 weeks.

One down.

51 to go.

 

a new chapter

so. i'm a few weeks post move now. i'm settling in-ish. there's only one box left and its the shit i'm not sure why i packed anyway. still need to hang up artwork and do a few more things in the kitchen, then the decorating is done. i have yet to venture to the laundry room, but that can only last so long. eventually i'll need underwear.

moving was hard. well, moving is always hard. moving sucks. no matter what. rain and third floor REALLY sucks. but i did it, i made it in.

and now i'm there.

and i'm really...there. this is it. this is the start of the new chapter. i am officially an empty nester. i'm done being mom.

and i know, maybe they'll come back in a few years. i don't know. there's a lot of pain and trauma to get over. i'm not sure how to get over being called an iv cocaine user with 5 pimps. that's a hard one.

and if they do come back, it won't be as my kids. those years are over. i'm done momming.  they might come back as young adults, maybe as peers, but the kids part is over.

that's been a shift. it's taken me a while to process that one. it's the only thing i've ever known. i went straight from being a kid to having a kid. i've never lived alone. ever. it's fucking quiet. 

i mean, i've been living alone since november, but now...this is different. this is permanent alone. this is....this is really alone. there's no space for someone else. there's no "used to be" bedroom.

there's just me. and stella. and a tv that i can see from my bed and control with my phone.

that part is kinda great.

and stella and i are settling in. we have a routine going. she's finally figured out the stairs up AND DOWN. not sure how i gained weight after moving in AND carrying her fourty pound backside down the stairs for a week...but i did. yaaaaaaaaaaay (emphasized with all the sarcasm in the world.)

and it's lovely and new to me. and terrifying. and exciting. and i love it. and i'm scared of it.

but here it is. the new chapter. 

it is what i make of it.

and i'm trying. i've been doing things. i've gone out on dates. i've popped out to meet friends for a drink. i've taken stella to brunch and walks at the park and out to the pub.

and i'm writing! look! i'm writing!

a attended a get lit! event last week that really inspired me and kicked my ass. 

there's no excuses left. this is it. this is my chance to BE. 

and i want to take a minute to acknowledge this moment and the power of it. i'm really proud of myself for getting here. i'm working so hard on growing and changing and not listening to the negative voice in my head anymore. and it's fucking hard y'all. but i'm not giving up.

and i really mean that. i'm not giving up.

and i did the move. it was hard but i did it. and i did what i said i was going to do. i downsized. i went through books and movies and closets. i let things go that i've been holding onto FOREVER. the cradle that my dad made me in 1988 for christmas? it has a happy new home with a little girl who LOVES to play with her dolls. the first table i bought that i didn't have to put together myself? my first "grown up" piece of furniture? it's in a happy new home of a young couple that just bought their first house together. there's some things i can't let go of yet...i still have my brother's bowling ball. i don't bowl. it would be to heavy for me if i did, but i kept it anyway. the cedar chest? the insanely heavy cedar chest that has moved with me over 15 times? still hanging on to that one. it was a graduation present from my dad. you can't just let that go. the cheer-leading uniform that doesn't hold any particular happy or good memories? gotta keep that! sure, what used to fit on my itty bitty waist (i swear i was never that small) fits on my THIGH now. ouch. but i'll keep packing the fucking thing around with me and stuffing it in the top of a closet. 

but i did it. i went through things. i purged. i let things go. some things are still a work in progress. but there is progress being made. and that's a good thing. 

so. this is it. this is my new chapter. 

here we go.

steadfast

i've spent my whole life hating myself.

there's these horrible, destructive voices stuck in my head that are so loud it's hard to hear anything else.

i've taken on blame and hate and negativity from other people for SO LONG, that it just...it became who i was. i believed them. in my journals, as far back as you look, there's been the common theme: "what's wrong with me?" and "why am i so broken?" i believed i deserved to be treated terribly. OF COURSE i was sexually assaulted as a teenager. OF COURSE i was raped as an adult. OF COURSE i was in a domestic violence marriage. OF COURSE i can't find a relationship. i deserved it all. i'm this horrible piece of trash, broken person. i was born a mistake and deserve every terrible thing since then.

BUT. HERE'S THE THING: THAT'S NOT TRUE.

i'm not a horrible person. i'm not a piece of trash. i'm not broken.

i AM a little weird. i'll own that one.

it's taken YEARS, to start to shift that conversation in my mind and stop listening to those voices. i'm still working on it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. 

it's fucking hard work. really, really hard work.

but here's the bitch of it all: because i've thought of myself that way for so long, because i've believed the crap, because i believed all the HORRIBLE things, i kept allowing new people to treat me that way. why wouldn't they? and i've learned to distrust people that DON'T treat me that way. if anyone actually liked me, treated me kindly, maybe even loved me...there must be something wrong with them.

here's the really big bitch of all that: because i thought about myself that way, i let my kids think about me that way. I TAUGHT THEM to think of me that way. it's ok to make fun of mom being single. it's ok to say horrible things about mom. it's ok to yell insults and abuse. other people do, and she doesn't stop them. it's ok to just walk all over her, she won't stand up against it.

I TAUGHT MY KIDS TO HATE ME.

because i hated myself for so long.

that's a hard fucking pill to swallow.

and i'm not saying this out of self pity. i'm not saying this as yet another way to hate and blame myself. i'm saying this because if you want to change where you are, you have to acknowledge how you got there.

and i want to change. i NEED to change. 

especially when i'm staring at the results of all the hate every. single. day.

last year when i quit my job i started working on myself.

i left that job because i was tired of listening to people talk trash about me. i was tired of being groped while i sat at my desk. i was tired of listening to people openly bash everything about me: single parents, LGBT, tattoos, educated, nothing was off limits.

i started realizing i'm worth something. i'm worth standing up for. i'm worth liking.

in a strange way, i realized how insulting it was to people that i love and trust that i INSISTED on hating myself. how little do i think of my friends? do i really think they would keep a piece of trash friend around? a few of them even said as much to me: "it's really insulting that you believe i have such poor taste in people."

yes, i know that's a backwards way of looking at things, but hey, it got my attention.

and so i started changing. i started working on it. i started allowing myself a little more space to be MYSELF. to LIKE myself. i started just BEING. and, oddly, no one really seemed to care. they didn't leave in droves. i wasn't burned at the stake. if anything, the more real i allow myself to be with other people, the more real they become with me, and the deeper and truer the connections.

it's pretty sad that it took me 38 years to really, truly grasp this concept. BUT I'M WORKING ON IT. i've tried over the years. i've flirted with the idea of changing my mindset. i've worked on it over and over. i've taken classes, i've read countless books, i've tried so many different things. but when you're just dealing with symptoms instead of getting to the CORE of the issue, it never sticks.

here's the core: I'M A GOOD PERSON. i finally believe that.

i like me. i help others as much as i can. i will do everything in my power to help a friend that asks. i want to leave this world a better place than i came into it. i'm self aware. i'm intelligent. i'm thoughtful. i'm learning to ask for help. i have a decent sense of humor, maybe a little dark at times, but there it is. i have a lovely, comfortable home that's open to anyone. i've always been able to make home wherever we were. i'm a hard worker. i'm a good employee. i'm good at my jobs. i'm analytical and thorough. i'm willing to admit when i'm wrong and always looking for ways to be better. i'm careful and intentional about the choices i make. i'm dependable. i'm responsible. i'm honest, maybe a little too much.

BUT.

that's all new. being able to write that paragraph AND BELIEVE IT is completely new to me.

it still feels like bragging. it still feels like pride. it still feels conceited and wrong.

and it's still hard to believe it all the time.

so.

as hard as it is for me to change and believe it...as a person that ACTIVELY, PASSIONATELY wants to believe it and change...

how much harder is it for a fifteen year old kid that just wants things to be the way they've always been?

i'm sure there's other things going on- hormones, self discovery, struggle to become an adult, friends, girls, school, peer pressure...all the teenage things.

but at the core, at the true core of this issue is a fifteen year old kid that learned hate. he learned abuse. he learned to be mean and insulting and bully and take what he wants. I TAUGHT HIM THAT. and now i'm trying to change it and he has no stake or interest in that change.

so it's HARD.

suddenly mom isn't a push over any more.

no one wants to hear no. especially a teenager.

he's been saying for months: "i just want things back the way they were," and "it's so toxic around here and i hate it."

he doesn't realize the toxic atmosphere is because i've stopped absorbing all the toxicity. i've stopped taking on all the insults and the hate, so they just....hang there. they've run into a wall of: YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY.

that's new. that's different. so. YEAH, it feels crappy around the house when what always worked doesn't work anymore.

and then you have to try something bigger.

oh, just being mean and saying horrible things doesn't work anymore. let's try getting in her face and pushing. ok. that didn't work. let's try threats. oh, that didn't work, let's try skipping school. oh, that didn't work, let's try self harm and accusations. oh, that didn't work, let's try drugs and alcohol. that didn't work. let's try calling the cops...

and on and on it's gone. the escalation just keeps jumping and jumping because he's not getting his way. i'm not giving in. i'm not letting him walk all over me any more. and it's turned into a MASSIVE crisis. it's ugly and hard and scary and i don't know what's going to happen. i don't know where he slept last night. i don't know if he's safe or has clean underwear. i don't know if he's scared or hurt.

but i DO know he's still angry. i DO know he still thinks he can bully everyone into getting his way.

he thinks he can snap his fingers and the police will do as he commands. he thinks he can lie and get away with things. he thinks he can push around commissioners, lawyers, teachers, counselors. he thinks he can do what he wants, all day, every day, with no consequences. if anyone stands up to him, he will hurl all the abuse and hate at them he can. he will threaten others and even himself.

but if you want to live in my house, you need to treat people with respect. you need to contribute to the house. you need to contribute to your future. go to school. come home at the end of the day. be respectful of friends, ESPECIALLY GIRLS. don't steal. don't lie. don't threaten.

DON'T ABUSE.

i'm standing up and saying _I_ don't deserve to be treated this way. NO ONE does. and that's a fucking HARD, HARD change.

but it's necessary.

a friend just posted an article about a man that killed his wife and then took his own life just days after being arrested for assaulting a female taxi driver.

he thought he could just take what he wanted. when someone stood up to him, when someone called him on his terrible behavior, it escalated.

i don't know the full story, i didn't live his life. but i can bet that this wasn't the first time he treated someone this way. i can bet that if he was bold enough to treat a perfect stranger the way he did, his wife was getting 100 times worse at home. i can bet that there's a LIST of people that saw his behavior. i can bet that there's old girlfriends that aren't shocked by this news.

because i've been there.

i'm there now.

it has to change.

 

since this all started with the teenager, several months ago, there's been one word that comes to mind over and over and over and over: steadfast.

it's a calm word. it's a fierce word. determined. strong.



it's not an active word. i'm not flying into battle. i'm not raging.

i'm standing my ground. calmly. patiently.

i'm saying THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE.

i'm saying THIS IS NO LONGER THE WAY IT WILL BE.

i have to stand my ground.

i have to teach my son.

i have to teach him that he can't bully and hate his way into what he wants. i have to teach him behaviors and actions have consequences. if i let him treat me this way, the cycle will continue. there will be another person out there thinking about themselves the way i've been thinking about myself, and i wouldn't wish that on ANYONE. my heart breaks at the idea of another young woman facing YEARS of thinking she deserves to be treated this way. i know the dark, destructive, terrible self hate. i know it well. i don't want anyone else to feel this. ever. it absolutely guts me to think of him being mean and hurtful to a partner, a spouse, maybe his own children in the future. it crushes me to think he'll treat a boss, a roommate, a coworker the way he's been treating people now. i hate seeing how hard it is on his friends, his grandparents, all the people trying to help him now.

I HAVE TO BREAK THE CYCLE.

i have to.

i can't let this continue for generations to come.

I HAVE TO STOP THE HATE.

i have to.

i didn't teach him hate in a day.

it may take a long time to teach him a new way.

but i am to the task.

i will break this cycle. i will stop the hate. i will stop the hurt. i will teach him a better way.