are you still one of those letters?

a few years ago i volunteered at a booth for pride.

my brother called for one of his quarterly check ins and the conversation went something like this:

bro: you're at pride? but don't you have to be one of THOSE LETTERS to go to pride?

me: THOSE LETTERS? like LGBTQIA? no. you don't have to be one of THOSE LETTERS to show your support for the community. i mean, i am. there's a b in there. B is one of "those letters," but no, you don't have to be one of those letters.

bro: what do you mean you are one of those letter?

me: i'm bi. you didn't know that? oh. huh. by the by, i'm bi.

bro: *silence*

that's about as close as i've ever come to having a "coming out" conversation with my family. 

my brother still calls to check in. he still asks "...are you still one of those letters?" every time we talk.

he's not an asshole. he's just...my brother. he's not intentionally terrible.

in his own way he's trying.

he used to always end conversations by saying "...and remember to stay away from men. all men are evil. if you think one isn't, he's lying."

at least now he's adapted to say "...and remember, stay away from men AND women..."

change.

it's still horrible. it's probably funny to him. to me it's reinforcing that i don't deserve a happy, healthy partnership, WITH ANYONE. but. i mean. it's my brother. he thinks my tattoos and colored hair are me being rebellious. he still can't understand why i quit my stable corporate job eight years ago. he really just doesn't understand anything about me. at all.

to be fair, (to be fair) it took me a really long time to understand me. honestly, i'm still working on it.

i mean hell, it took me damn on 27 years to know i was bi.

gay didn't exist in the town i grew up in. it REALLY didn't exist in the church i grew up in. 

gay was this horrible thing you heard about on the news that killed people with aids that you got from sitting on a public toilet seat. and something about a quilt on the white house lawn.

that's the extent of what "gay" was for the formative years of my existence.

i was married and divorced and 2 kids in before i realize....you know...i only watch girl on girl porn...hmmmm...maybe there's something to that...

i was well into life before i really understood that i'm equally attracted to people of both sexes.

i'm still not even quite sure bi is the right letter for me. i'm more about people i can get along with and have brilliant stimulating connective conversations with more than who has which parts that go where.

but whatever i am, it's been a process to even be ok talking about it.

for the people that still believe you can choose your sexual orientation: HI. HAVE YOU MET ME?

if being gay were a choice? lord love a duck i would have permanently switched teams years ago. spoiler alert: it wasn't a woman that raped me either time. it wasn't a woman that sexually assaulted me. it wasn't a woman grabbing my breasts at work every time they walked by my desk. i wasn't in an abusive marriage with a woman. i have, to this day, never been called a fat fucking cunt by another woman.

on the flip side, how much easier would my life be if i was totally straight? if my kid had never come home telling me he was being raised in a dangerous household because of my sexuality (yes, his youth group really told him that, just a few years ago).

if i was straight i wouldn't have to worry about all the shame stuff in my head for being interested in women. if i was straight i wouldn't have to worry about dating a woman and being attacked for walking down the street together. if i was straight maybe i would be a little less offended by the blatant gay bashing i listen to on the reg because i'm "passable" (nope. i would still be offended as fuck. knock it off ya'll).

what is passable? passable means if you don't know me, you don't know i'm gay.

i have kids. i talk about going on dates with men. i LOOK straight (whatever that means).

i'm passable as straight.

but, obviously, because i popped out a few crib midgets back in the day, LET THE GAY BASHING COMMENCE.

how about we just don't gay bash ANYONE, whether or not we know if they're straight or not.

i'm too gay to be straight and too straight to be gay.

i don't even really belong anywhere. trust: if sexuality was a choice? i sure as fuck wouldn't choose this grey murky ground of barely existing.

if a lesbian finds out i'm bi, they don't want to date me because men are icky.

if a guy finds out i'm bi he thinks he won the golden ticket to endless threesomes from now til the end of time.

don't forget the whole camp of people who think i'm just confused or denying that i'm strictly one or the other.

the last few years i've allowed myself to "be a little gay" outwardly. i talk more about when i go out with women as well as when i go out with men. i have visible pride apparel (thank you popsocket pride edition!), my house is full of rainbows, i have "gay clothes" i wear (my "switch hitter" shirt makes me giggle when people read it and maybe figure it out). for fucks sake, i have a full body rainbow onesie. kinda hard to miss that when i wear it.


this year? i'm just allowing myself to BE.

whatever that means.

if you can't be associated with me anymore? there's the door.

if you accept me "in spite of" who i am? there's the fucking door.

if you accept me. FULL STOP.

hi. welcome to my life.

my wish for everyone this year: may you know who you are early and be proud of it and confident in it, whomever you are. no wasted years.

if your family doesn't understand? find a new one. trust: there's people out there that will accept you. JUST AS YOU ARE.

if you're confused? if it takes you a while to dial it in? hi. i'm almost 40 and still figuring this shit out.

this year: may you find yourself. may you find acceptance. may you find  confidence and peace and joy in living a real authentic life. whatever that looks like to you.

may you have PRIDE in yourself and who you are.

happy one of those letter months ya'll.

by the way...

*OFFICIAL NOTICE*
i have been working TWO WEEKS at full time hours now. the job hunt is officially over. i'm back among the standard 8-4 rat race. HOORAY.

it's the same job i've had for almost two years now- they were able to offer me full time AND I TOOK IT.

HOWEVER.

it seems that the universe likes to fuck with me as much as possible- an awesome opportunity couldn't be accepted without passing up and another equally as awesome opportunity. it could never be like HERE'S ONE OPTION. TAKE IT. of course not. that would be too nifty. my universe has to be like: hey- wandering around forever with ZERO options and nineteen kicks in the gut? well now you have to choose between THREE AMAZING THINGS ALL AT THE SAME TIME WITH NO CLUES AS TO WHICH IS THE BEST OPTION AT ALL.

i mean- thanks universe for finally pulling through, but REALLY?

SO. back to the point.

i think.

in the job interview process i was privileged enough to interview for some really fanfuckingtastic jobs including the local symphony (an office job, don't worry, i won't make you listen to my stellar piano skills any time soon), a few large corporations, and, my favorite, the INBA.

if you are unaware, locally the INBA (inland northwest business alliance) is part of a national "gay chamber of commerce."  they exist to make sure there is a list of LGBT owned or allied businesses available to those who need it.

side note: i HATE that we still live in a world where people still have to worry about "straightening" their house if they need service work done or being worried about running across a non-supportive business owner when trying to arrange an event or even just spend a day shopping. it would have been an awesome job to help build the web of support of businesses willing to say HEY, WE TREAT EVERYONE EQUAL.

ANYWAY. i was called back to the second round of interview for the position but had to bow out after deciding to accept the position where i already work.

happy but sad but happy day.

ANYWAY. back to the point.

during the first round of interviews, the interview panel asked: "if you approached a business about joining the INBA and the potential member asked "well, won't everyone think i'm gay if i join?" how would you handle that?"

the very first thought in my head was: REALLY? people would think that?

the second thought was: there's probably more behind them being worried about what people think than just joining a chamber.

my third thought was: YOU'RE A BUSINESS OWNER. MONEY IS MONEY. pretty darn sure you will lose little to no business by supporting the community as a whole equal set of citizens. any business you might possibly loose? pretty sure they weren't a good client if something as basic as that scared them away. does it really matter if they fleetingly wonder about who you go home with?

ANYTWADDLE.

i thought the question was interesting. would people really think you're gay because you support LGBT?

fast forward a week or so.

my brother called for one of his usual check up/humiliation sessions. actually, i take that back. it's been better the last few times. less judgy, more just basic chatty.

he was asking about work, if i'd been on any interviews, and i proceeded to tell him about the INBA.

oh...ARE YOU GAY?

you can't make this shit up. that was the FIRST question he asked me. not how many hours. not how i heard about it. not how the interview went.

him: ARE YOU GAY?

me: well, i'm bi. you knew that didn't you?

him: ummm...i don't think i did.

me: oh. huh. well you do now.

at that point i got a call on my work line (my brother called on my cell) and i had to interrupt to answer the customer.  2 minutes later, back to my brother:

him: remember when i told you to stay away from evil men? was this your solution?

me: ummm....

and that's how i accidentally came out to my brother.