renew you

i spent a whole weekend cleaning, rearranging, painting, working on my office so i would have a space to write, yet here i am snuggled up in bed tap tap tapping away on my laptop like the crazy nuthouse i am.

at least the office looks nice.

it seems lately as if there's a LOT going on but nothing at the same time- perception is 9/10ths of the law, right? pretty sure that's right.

it seems like there's days of nothing at all followed by days like today where it's 2am and i'm just finally calling it quits on my "things to do" list. that time management thing? GOT. IT. DOWN.

more like the insomnia thing- fucking olympic professional at that shiz.

fuck. i've written and deleted four paragraphs about all different things. seems like i can't quite decide which train of thought wants to leave the station first.

we'll start here: i was invited by a friend to a "renew you" weekly class (for lack of a better word) that he's providing to work on self improvement for 2013. since that's one of the things on top of my list for the year- PERFECT TIMING. i'll do it!

here's the thing- i'm chicken shit when it comes to working on myself.

well, not really. i'm pretty damn good at recognizing my own patterns, what i'm doing, why i'm doing it, whatever cause/source is behind it. the thing i'm SHITTY at is making a change. having all the knowledge is shit if you don't actually use it.

here's what i wasn't expecting: the first "assignment" for renew you is this:

"In order to transform our lives, we first must acknowledge and bear witness to the pain that
is behind our desire to change. The questions below are designed to guide you through the
process of acknowledging the area of discomfort, concern, or pain that is most important to you
at this time."

My first thought: well, i don't really have a desire to change, there's nothing really causing pain or discomfort that i can think of...

*blink blink*

umm...do i even read my own blogs?

*sigh*

the TRUTH IS: there's plenty of things causing pain, BUT if i don't poke them, they don't hurt. right? and if i can just keep playing by those rules things are hunky dory.

i mean- how much do i really want to dig up? how many problems do i actually want to deal with? that sounds like a LOT of work. i'm TOTALLY fine the way i am...right?

crap on a cracker.

then you get into the questions for this- what is wrong? how do you talk to friends about it? how certain are you that this is the problem? what has this problem cost you? if the problem were magically solved overnight, how would life change?

and THEN we throw in the mix: what KIND of problems am i supposed to be focusing on/fixing?

i mean, i have PLENTY but need a direction first!

do we start with my self loathing? my insecurities and self value? do we jump straight for the big guns and my inability to have a healthy relationship because i don't believe anyone can actually tolerate me long enough to put in the reciprocal effort? maybe the issues stemming from the fucked up relationship with my mother? the fact that i still haven't properly dealt with the death of my brother and my father?

or are we talking about issues like: don't do laundry every weekend like i should or have a bad habit of avoiding issues that i don't want to deal with (oh the irony...perhaps that's the place to start).

i got 99 issues and picking the first one to start working on just became one.

shitballs.

do i get points for at least knowing what my issues are even if i don't want to deal with them?


looks like that train left the station just fine.what's the next one?

new years goals update: i've been working on it!
had my first dinner party sunday night- LEARNING CURVE. things that need work: learning how to invite people. i invited just enough people or so i thought. only having limited space/dishes i kept the list small but varied, sent out invites and...forgot to follow up. awesome. it ended up that almost everyone didn't make it, BUT it was still fun with the two that did! and they were lucky enough to be sent home with TONS of left overs. SO: next month- invites, calls, messages, follow up, check in, GET PEOPLE HERE. also need to work on a way to let people know that while i wish i had a mary poppins house, i can't get every one in all at once and i don't want to be repeating the same people every month. i want to get to all the people that i've been saying "we need to get together" to for MONTHS (my poor aunt probably thinks i've forgotten about her...and my old co-workers). i don't want to offend people by leaving some out, but basic numbers say that it will happen. hmmm...should have taken those "mrs." classes in college. "proper table settings" and "how to invite your husbands boss to dinner" would be handy.

cooking at home: been doing that! see the above smashing success dinner party (at least in the food category. take the wins where you can.) maybe not the HEALTHIEST foods...after all, potato soup made with whipping cream can't exactly be #1 on the weight watchers list, but it's still better than processed fast food all the time...right? at least a smidge better i hope...

working out...ha ha ha ha ha. i'll get there eventually. i AM taking better care of myself though, so that's a start. daily vitamins, eating breakfast, lunch (sometimes), and dinners. i'm working on the getting up earlier every day (tomorrow doesn't count) and being all ooo...breakfast, proper getting ready, off to work like a grown up thing.

postings- well, there was one last week, and one this week...not prolific, but steady at least.

home: we did clean out the office, my room and the spawns room. there was a HUGE stack for the local charity pick up last week. it was NICE to see it all go. i'm currently working on the garage- have managed to move a few things out, hit a few road bumps, working on getting the rest out. most of the big plans will have to wait for spring/summer, but in the mean time just keeping things up better around the house is happening, even the teenager is arguing less about doing dishes and helping keep things straightened up. MUCH easier when it's all together instead of one against 2 (and a dog...he's not doing his share. asshole.).
 i'm still working on job solutions. applied for several full time/benefits jobs, a few part time no benefits but more stable/secure that could turn into full time with benefits. now it's just a waiting game...

there's a few random things left rattling around- possibly a new boy to write about (no train wreck yet, but you know it's coming). there's a long winded rant i'll get out of my system eventually about religion and whatnot. there's plenty of changes afoot...just waiting for shoes to drop.

for now- the whole "get to bed early, get up early, be a responsible adult" thing is reminding me it's overdue.

random fact: studies show that putting deodorant/anti-antiperspirant on at night before bed will help it work better the next day by helping it absorb into your system while you sleep. odd but true. now you know. 

fresh start

it is officially the new year.

2013 is all of 34 minutes old and already i'm a bit of a fan.

13 is my lucky number- odd, but what else would you expect from me? so here's to a lucky year!

this is the first year i've ever gone out for new years- it was a nice quiet evening at a local wine bar with delicious appetizers and dinner as well as a few bottles of wine and a champagne toast at midnight (and a great view of the fireworks from the bay window). great friends, good food, good wine- pretty damn good start to the new year.

27 minutes after new year i was home snuggly and safe in my own home, delivered safely by a designated driver. as nice as it was to be out, it's nice to be home because i love my home, i love my spawns and at the end of the day, it's where i want to be.

going forward into 2013 i've made a few GOALS, not resolutions. resolution sounds a bit too terrifying for me- if you don't meet your resolution then it's a slow torturous death in the secret chamber sucking away a year at a time for you. at least that's what it seems like.

now, i've never been a new years resolution kinda girl. i've never been any kind of goal/resolution girl to tell you the truth. i never planned on college when i was in high school. i've never been one for a 5 year plan or a 10 year plan. i'm a slight commitment-phobe to tell the truth. setting goals or making resolutions means you have to stick to things. never been very good at that.

i've never had a car payment more than a year. my longest relationship was 23 months, most average 3 months. i bought my house in one check- no 60 year mortgage for me. i've moved 13 times in 13 years. i've managed to keep plants alive for 5 years- that's pretty damn remarkable, but then again they're plants and don't require much (although i can't remember the last time i watered them...that streak may be ending soon).

i'm just not a commitment kinda girl. i'm not a plan kinda girl. i'm not sure what kind of girl i am.

BUT. this year i'm changing some of that. can't say all of it...baby steps here people. come on now...let's be reasonable.

so. i'm making a plan. i'm making several plans. i'm trying to keep them reasonable so they're achievable. i get the whole "shoot for the stars, at least you'll hit the moon" bullshit, but i'm doing damn good to even be shooting, so lets not get all wild and crazy here.  but PLANS: i'z gots them.

proper grammar isn't on the list apparently.

here's to 2013:

1 dinner party a month: i love to entertain. i love to cook. i love my dining room. i've spent WAY TOO MUCH MONEY collecting fancy serving plates and such that rarely see the light of day. so i'm fixing that. ONE dinner a month is totally reasonable and FUN! that's the goal at least. i'll be PLANNING (so strange to use that word) out each month SOON so people can get it on the calendar and join up. a chance to cook fancy shit, share wine and fun, and just...BE SOCIAL. i'm excited.

4 meals at home a week: yes, this should be a no brainer. BUT. with the spawns and schedules- we end up eating out WAY too much. add in the "i don't like that" chorus or the "we don't have the stuff to make that" answer when they do want food at home- it's unhealthy and we're making a change! three nights a week is doable. more than doable. i haven't actually been keeping track- we may be there or close already. we'll start PLANNING meals in advance, grocery shopping more specifically, getting things ready ahead of time (defrosting meat for example). here's to family dinners and healthier eating.

working out: i had written down daily, but let's start with 3 days a week and work up from there. healthier, not skinnier is the goal. i need to get on it for several reasons- TOP of the list is to get the fucking WII to stop saying "that's obese" although i have a feeling that may never happen. stupid WII. but it needs to happen for my gallbladder, for my health, for my self esteem- it just needs to happen. i have my office set up with plenty of space, i'm committed to getting up earlier in the mornings (night just never works out), and making other changes (going to bed earlier) to help keep on track.

one blog post a week: i need to write more. writing is my way of working out what's in my head, checking in, doing SOMETHING. i need to write more than when things are shitty or when something crazy is going on (London Calling anyone?). i need to get in a habit of just putting things out there, good, bad, indifferent. as long as it's something. once a week is perfectly reasonable- there's enough time on the weekends if not during the week. no reason it can't happen.

home: i'm going to keep working on it. i did the initial push before i moved in and i've just been sitting staring at what isn't finished for the last year and a half. i'm going to work on recycling more, planting a garden, doing the landscaping that i planned on all last summer and never even started. i'm going to make my outdoor theater a reality. i'm going to find a way to get a fucking bathroom door. there will be a deck railing before the end of summer and a beautiful back lawn- drunk tank and all. i'm going to make home a place that my kids and i LIVE instead of just coming home to at the end of the day. i want it to be a place for us AND FRIENDS to feel comfortable and welcome. i want dinner parties and bbq's and memories. i want art work and family pictures and character. i want HOME. a real home. laughter, noise, chaos, movie nights, birthday parties, wine nights, football games. ok...maybe not so much on the football games. i mean- i'm willing to host, just don't expect me to watch or be excited.

so. HAPPY 2013. here's to changes and making things better and setting goals. i know none of these are long term goals- i'm not saying anything too out there. I'M STILL WORKING ON IT. more to come on that. i'm trying to figure out what i want to be when i grow up now that i'm well up. but. this is a start.

off to bed- that was my first achievement of the year- a clean, fresh, beautiful new room for new years, and I DID IT. rearranged the furniture, washed all the bedding (pillows and all), baking soda/vacuumed the mattress, i went ALL OUT. i even researched feng shui to make sure i was going as much as possible to make it a good space. i'm excited to curl up and snuggle in for my first new, fresh night in this shiny new year.

cheers darlings, may 2013 be a great year for all.