gentle reminder

things haven't been great lately. we've established that.

then today driving home from work i remembered something:

I'M A SPOILED BRAT. and i should quit complaining so fucking much. instead, i need to remove my head from my ass, look around, and appreciate what i DO have. plenty of shit is going right. i may not have all the answers, but i sure as hell have a shit ton of good going on while i'm looking for the answers.

in the middle of all the stress and medial shit, it's time to remember the good:

i don't have to worry about house payments or losing a house for my kids when shit hits the fan. i have ZERO house payments. that's pretty fucking nice.

i don't have to worry about losing transportation. my car is new(ish) and totally paid for. it's in great condition and very safely gets me where i need to go.

even with not the greatest tires on said car- the roads/conditions have been ok enough for me to get back and forth to work without incident while there have been numerous accidents, slide offs, deaths, and other problems already this year.

i may not LOVE all my jobs, but i have several jobs.  in an economy where way too many people are out of work and losing houses and cars and everything else, i'm pretty damn lucky to have a paycheck that covers all my bills. if there weren't horrible bosses and horrible jobs, half the movies in the world would never have been made. i'm not giving up on looking for something that is better hours and provides insurance, but i'm also going to remember that i'm pretty damn lucky that i have a place to go every morning. even if i can't remember which one on which day.

even though i'm not the healthiest right now, i'm still damn lucky. my health issue isn't life threatening (right now), it doesn't require multiple doctors visits, it doesn't require expensive daily medications, i'm not in constant pain, i'm not suffering at all outside the occasional attack which i've been learning how to prevent. it will be expensive to fix, i'm still not sure how/if that's going to happen, but i'm surviving in the mean time.

i have AMAZEBALLS friends that have been helping me get through this stuck spot. i have people that check in with me when i get too quiet, encourage me to get out of the house and help me have an amazing time while i'm out, and who listen and encourage without patronizing or minimizing. i'm really, REALLY damn lucky to have the circle that i have right now. they're all very logical, level headed, honest, and REAL. they've pointed out when i'm right and also when i'm wrong. they've reminded me that shit happens and that it's ok to be sad, but they're also not going to let me stay stuck forever. they see the good in me and are almost obnoxious making me see it and admit it too. near, far, old, new, i've got some really great people and that is rare (and took a long time to find).

i have two really great spawns who, aside from occasionally doing the typical brother thing, are really easy going. things are pretty even keel 90% of the time and the other 10% gets rough but we've made it through this far. they're pretty damn healthy, smart, damn good kids. they're old enough now to help around the house, cook the occasional meal for themselves, and be left alone so i can enjoy the occasional grown up night out.

SO. end of the day, i have great kids, a paycheck, a house, a car, not the best but passable health, great friends, and not too much to bitch about.

i need to dial in a few of the big pieces, work on myself, keep taking steps forward. BUT. it's good to remember the positives in the mean time.

plus, if the world really does end tomorrow at least i'll leave on a positive note. always a good thing.

#londoncalling FOLLOW UP

i’m a fucking idiot. but not for the reasons i last wrote about. maybe it’s being back on my home turf, maybe it’s the real food talking, or a nice hot shower after 26 hours of traveling.

it’s probably from talking to great friends and getting some feedback other than my own voices in my head bickering back and forth. SCREW THEM. I’M TAKING ALL THE CREDIT.

AND THE BLAME.

i’m a fucking twatwaffle.

jesus holy hell did i fuck the last post up.

let’s all just take a minute to enjoy this moment of clarity that comes after removing my head from my own ass, shall we?

let’s play a little game called: “BACK THE FUCK UP BITCH.”

remember that first day when new york called me? those few, brief moments between what he actually called me for and the fucking circus that i turned it into?

LET’S EXPLORE THAT. SHALL WE?

i’m a fucking idiot. _ME_ of all people should have caught on a little sooner. fuck.

let’s go back to the very first conversation: "hey, how is everything going? things are going shitty for me. just need somebody to talk to." 

marriage: over, father passed away, 7 month deployment, needed a friend to talk to.

oh jesus did i fuck this up.
 
how did i take all that and twist it into this fucking all about me story?

an old friend reached out in the middle of a horrible, HORRIBLE shit storm and i just added more shit to it.

fuck. me. running.

i’ve been there. did the marriage going to shit. done the father passing away. never had to deal with the whole being at war for 7 months thing- can’t even begin to imagine.

and i somehow twisted all that into a poor me, i spent money on lingerie that went unused pity party? holy fuck. how did i fuck that one up?
 
i have a friend going through the worst shit life can throw at a person and i want to be pissy about not going to a cafe for tea and mother fucking crumpets?

i can’t even begin to tell you how sick to my stomach i feel right now. i fucked this up royally.

add in that he's in a crazy amount of pain that even prescription medications won't take an edge off? or that the one time he did get his back to pop and it made him pass out and fall sleep for the next 10 hours...

funny thing? i just wrote a fucking magazine article about being there for soldiers that come home from war.

awesome.

i’m a fucking idiot.

worst part? hindsight is a fucking bitch. he’s been trying to tell me- talked about trying to find friends. talked about how he spent seven months sending planes off to do bomb runs- feeling that in a way he’s responsible for the deaths of hundreds, thousands of people. talking about how strange things were going to texas for his fathers services and having to deal with his step mom.

and i got mad over what?

he wanted a friend. i’ve been his friend for eight years.

THAT IS ALL THIS TRIP SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABOUT.

_I_ alone added all the other crap to it. _I_ alone fucked it all up by trying to make it something he’s not ready to deal with in any way, shape or form. _I_ fucked up royal.

SO.

i’m going to bed. i’m going to sleep. i’m going to try to figure out how to repair this fuck up and be the friend that he’s been asking for from the very beginning.

the rest may or may not come in time. THAT DOESN’T MATTER RIGHT NOW. what matters right now is that i have a friend in need. he came to me for support and i need to give that to him without all my baggage and crap attached.

honestly- switch shoes for a minute: if he had come to see me after my dad passed away and dropped on me what i just did to him- how would that have gone? and that was *JUST* a death. not the death after a deployment in the middle of a marriage issue.

perspective is a powerful thing- the picture can take on a whole different meaning when you take the time to look at it just a little different.

SO. i’ll say it again. dont get used to it- last time it will ever happen: I FUCKED UP. i made this my own twisted fairlytale bullshit. and i’m going to try like fuck to fix it.

#londoncalling

well, here it is, my last 12 hours in england.

and here i am, sitting here typing this.

so. that should about sum up how it’s gone.



i’m caught in this huge thunderstorm of emotions- between rationalization and pure emotion. i don’t know which way to let myself go. i don’t know if any of the directions are right.

i’m angry and resentful and hurt and heartbroken and hopeful and logical and tired and disappointed. not many of those are positive, i realize that. i’m trying like fuck to find some silver lining- i really am.

it hasn’t been a bad trip. lets say that up front. nothing terrible happened. flights all went smoothly over here- flight transitions were met, no sick problems, the phone change went smoothly, the flights were tolerable (but LONG). i’m hoping tomorrow headed home goes as well. it should be a little easier to sleep with the schedule and all- flying over i was running on my regular day hours and it was hard to sleep on an overnight flight that was only 5ihs in the afternoon my time. i landed, made it through customs, got the stamp in my passport, everything went smoothly.

when i made it out of the customs area, there he was waiting for me, my new york. leaning against the rails, big smile, big hug. we loaded the bags in the car and headed out of the airport. i don’t know quite what i was expecting- breakfast, a little sight seeing, a few *cough*detours*cough* on the way home- but we drove straight through to rougham- bits of scenery along the way, and we arrived at his house- an adorable townhouse. wish i had paid a bit more attention on the way here- i didn’t realize that would be the only scenery i’d see.

we did talk about sight seeing on the way up. i knew ahead of time that most of the places were a few hours drive both direction. there wasn’t anything i was really wanting to see, the weather wasn’t scheduled to be the best, the only thing i really wanted to do was get a tattoo while over here. we decided against shakespeare’s house- too far away, bad weather, not much to see. same for alice in wonderland and the castles and all that. i was just excited to be in england. be here with him. thought i’d get enough absorption through a local cafe, the pub he always talks about, maybe a dinner out, a bit of his little town.

i’ve been here since 8am (local time) on thursday and haven’t seen a damn thing. no pub, no cafe, no walk about, nothing. that was the first disappointment. i don’t really feel i’ve been anywhere. i’ve been in his house. i’ve seen his couch. it’s like i went over to a friends house down the street. nothing remarkable.

second disappointment: he injured his back a few weeks ago at work and has been in so much pain the whole time that NOTHING was possible. yes, NOTHING. he tried ibuprofen (even my rx ones from the recent ER trip), he tried icy hot, showers, stretching, nothing worked. he had HOPED it would go away by the time i got here but didn’t bother to see a doctor before hand or anything. normally this wouldn’t be so frustrating. people get hurt. it sucks. the bitch of it is i worked really damn hard to get here. i spent 7 fucking hours in an er (without insurance) to make sure i could be here in good(ish) condition. i spent a lot of time and money getting ready- all for nothing. all the lingerie i bought didn’t even come out of the suitcase. brazil? total waste. hair, nails, make up- pointless. YES, i realize how shallow it all sounds, but i was so excited to come. i wanted to look my best after 8 years. i worked really damn hard to be here. for him to be in pain the whole time because he doesn’t like doctors. it just...it hurt.

it’s not even the sex. it’s that he was in so much pain all he wanted to do was sit in his desk chair playing WOW because it was the only position he was comfortable in. there was no sight seeing, no going out. when he wasn’t at the computer, he was sleeping. he hasn’t been sleeping well recently although you’d never know it- 12 hours one night, 9 the next. then all day at the computer while i was on the couch next to him watching whatever was on tv. i bought a plane ticket, flew across an ocean, spent how many hours getting ready just to sit on a couch watching him play WOW for 4 days straight? granted, he’s not a traditional player (i think). he was able to hold kind of conversations while he played, and he would break every few hours to stretch or let the dog out. he would lean over for kisses while he played...

i feel like a fucking idiot. i flew half way across the country to watch him play computer for 4 days.

and there’s more.

we went to the grocery store one night since he had NO food in the house and we were both running on night owl hours so all restaurants and whatnot were closed most of our waking hours (most, not all but...yeah.). i couldn’t touch him while we were in the grocery store. small town. his mother in law, brother/sister in law, ex wife, friends, whatnot are all about. no telling who would see. and since no one really knows still that they’re divorcing it could cause problems.

oh yeah- by the way. they still haven’t told people they’re divorcing. did i forget to mention that? the divorce isn’t started. they still haven’t told people. she’s living with her mum , they’re separated, but that isn’t divorced. it isn’t even started being divorced. remember that idiot feeling? multiply it by a million. and my brain starts to go to that horrible dark place and i wonder if we haven’t gone to the pub because his back hurts or because he’s afraid of people seeing me. is that why we couldn’t go to coffee at 10am on sunday, a few of the daylight hours were were awake? because people in town might see? is that why he closed the living room door when the neighbors stopped by? not because the dog was barking but because he didn’t want them to see someone was here since they don’t know he and the wife have split? my mind is an evil, dark, mean place. it doesn’t help that i’ve been that girl before. i know what the signs are. i’ve been the one that wasn’t ok to be seen in public with. ive been the one that they didn’t want anyone to know about. this weekend felt all too familiar. and not in the good ways.

BUT.

i’m a stupid girl, there’s always a but. always a desperate claw at some salvation.

BUT, the whole time he’s said he’s so glad i’m here. he’s so excited to have me next to him. he’s so mad that his back is injured. he’s calling the doctor first thing on monday to get an appointment. he really hopes he gets re-stationed locally. he can’t wait to come see me this spring.

is it just bad timing? am i here too early? should i have waited a few months? should i have waited for things on his end to be “official”?

and i KNOW. i tried so fucking hard not to come over here with any expectations. i really, REALLY did. but i couldn’t help it. he wanted me to come. he asked me to come. he said he should have married me when he had the chance. he couldn’t wait for me to get here. and i knew better than to get my hopes up. i knew better than to expect the fairy tale ending no matter how desperately i wanted it. and i did. i wanted it so badly. i did have expectations coming here. i tried so hard not to, but i did. i wanted it to be this amazing trip. i wanted it to be england. i wanted it to be him. i wanted it so badly.

and here i am, my last few hours writing this while he’s at work. i’m waiting for him to get back and take me to the airport. it’s all done. it’s all gone. there no time left for any of it.

i came to england. i sat on a couch watching tv for four days. and now i’m coming home.

i still want to hope. i still think that maybe when it’s official and finalized on his end he’ll come see me in the spring and everything will be good then. maybe he’ll get stationed near me and it will work out then. maybe he really was just hurting so bad that’s why we didn’t go anywhere- nothing more, nothing less. maybe the base doctors really are that bad that going to them wouldn’t have made this weekend any better.

at least, at the end of the day i can say i did it- right? i can say that i went after the man i love (heaven help me, i do. so much it’s tearing me apart right now). i can say remember that time i flew to england? remember all the amazing things that happened to make the trip possible? even if the trip wasn’t that amazing, it’s still fucking amazing that i did it. i flew half way around the world. i got over being scared to say i wanted someone and came here (well, i haven’t said it to him, but that’s a different set of issues).

i’ve been on an adventure. not all adventures turn out perfectly. but the fact is, i still came here. i haven’t seen anything. i haven’t conquered anything- can’t quite get that tee shirt yet.

i’m still sorting. i have way too many hours flying to sort through things. maybe i’ll grow a pair and talk to him about how this all went for me on the way back to the airport. maybe i’ll lay it all on the line, even if it is too sappy, and tell him how i feel. maybe after some sleep and some real food i’ll have a different perspective. maybe...

this wasn’t the trip that i hoped for, even though i knew hoping was a bad thing and tried to prepare myself.

but, i keep reminding myself, it was a trip. it was going somewhere. taking a chance. so there’s that. i’m sure there will be more on this. i hope next time there’s a bit more positive. but there you have it. that’s how london’s been. forgive me please if i’m not ready to gush about it when i get back on my home turf. hopefully i’ll have a bit of time in the air port to at least snag a few touristy thing to at least show i’ve been here.

best.week.ever.

i don’t write posts like this very often. i probably should. it’s good to acknowledge and document when things are going REALLY well so that the next time the shit hits the fan you can look back and go- well, that week was kick ass and i’m sure there will be another one soon.

i had a deep thought type thing today- almost posted it to facebook since everyone knows that’s THE place to share deep thoughts. but i didn’t. so it’s here instead, then we’ll get back to the main point.

deep thought of the day: every morning it’s good to take a moment to look back at what was, what never was, and what never will be. BUT JUST A MOMENT. then get back to what is and what you want to be and what you can make it be.

how fucking deep is that shit? people always tell you not to look back or dwell on the past and i say NAY PEOPLE. that’s a fancy word for no if you weren’t aware. I SAY NAY. you should look back. acknowledge it for what it was. recognize the past is what go you to today. just don’t dwell on it. take a moment- not even a minute, just a moment. look at it. acknowledge it. give it a cool guy head nod. then get back to kicking asss today.

i know. i just blew all your minds. all three of you that read this. you’re welcome.

now back to the main point of this post. i have had, quite possibly, the best week i can remember in my entire life. exaggerating? really not. jinxing myself because it’s only thursday night? probably. but even if friday sucked, the average of the whole week would be enough to keep this one in the top five for sure.

it’s actually been quite the streak as of late- can’t even limit it to this week- last week was pretty damn good too- great wine night saturday with friends, dinner and a productive meeting sunday. but monday really did just kick this week off in a big ass way.

monday i was a real, true grown up- got up in time, did the whole getting ready for work, grabbed breakfast, remembered my vitamins and my lunch AND made tea. doesn’t sound like much, but in my chaotic morning life (i hate mornings with a deep pure hate) it was a big thing. made for a great/productive day at work. not too shabby for a monday. got home that afternoon and in the mail there was an unexpected check waiting for me. not sure how or where or what, but it was one last check from my dad’s estate. honestly, no clue how it came to be. it’s been over 2 years. i thought everything was long since settled. it came at just the right time. between switching jobs again, trying to get caught up on bills, trying to stay above water, it’s been tight on the basics. then there’s all the other stuff- property taxes, parking tickets, cub scout uniforms, school dance clothes, miscellaneous bills, walmart runs that have been postponed...all the CRAP that ends up stacking up when you’re not looking. i’ve been treading water for a while which is a huge success in itself, but this- the check wasn’t gigantic, but it was more than enough to cover all that stuff listed. i have been stressing about my property taxes for months. didn’t pay the first half because i plain and simply couldn’t. now the second half is due and still no clue how it was going to get paid. i didn’t have the ability (or honestly remember that i was supposed to) “pay myself rent” and set aside money each month for taxes. turns out that buying a home thing doesn’t end when you sign the papers. this check covered that. my dad is still watching out for me 2 years later and helping bail me out of my mistakes. EVEN BETTER- when i looked at the tax slip to pay the bill, i noticed a “prior owing” section for the second half of LAST YEAR’s taxes. are you fucking kidding me? i didn’t pay those either. FUCK. now instead of 2k, it’s going to be 2,863. shit. called in to the county to verify- oh, i was looking at an outdated form or something, the second half of last year was paid in february. by me. totally don’t remember writing that check (they had it on record as my personal check) but i’ll take it! i guess i can be a responsible adult when i’m not looking.

so taxes: PAID. and for $800ish less than i thought. AWESOME. not bad news for a tuesday. paid up all the parking tickets (“stupid tax” hurts!). paid all the regular monthly bills, paid of a few other measly little accounts, tried to do the responsible adult thing. i’ve been able to get the kiddos the things they need from picture money, school dance fancy clothes (the big spawn got invited to a high school homecoming dance), cub scouts uniforms. they say money can’t buy happiness, but it sure as fuck can relieve a LOT of stress and make it easier to find happiness in other places...

like GREAT FUCKING FRIENDS. seriously. i feel so lucky right now with the great people that i get to interact with all the time. i have some of the best people a girl could ask for: people that are real, honest, supporting, loving and just THERE when i need a boost up. the crew for the magazine is GREAT. we’ve gone through some rough patches as a growing publication, this week has been no exception to the growing pains, but through it all we’ve worked together, supported each other- core team, design team and beyond. our crew is just fucking phenomenal to work with right now. it’s people that are involved because they WANT to be involved. we’re all passionate about it in different ways and the overall effect of that is fucking CRAZY to watch. it’s beautiful and inspiring and exactly what it needs to be. it’s been great. inside the magazine i love that the people i’m working with are teaching me i have talent, ability, a valuable opinion and voice. those same people outside the magazine are kicking my ass every day teaching me that i’m a beautiful person inside and out. i deserve good things in life. i deserve happiness and good people and a positive environment. they support and accept me as i am, they believe in me. they’ve helped me boost my self image and self value and HOLY FUCK does that make a huge difference in EVERYTHING.

back to the main point again- this week has just been fucking phenomenal. it’s not about the money that came in (although it helped for sure). it’s about the fact that good things have been happening. good people have been happening. i’ve been able to support the people around me and they’ve supported me back in turn. i’ve been able to spend great time building friendships new and old. i’ve been learning to listen to the positive voices- random stranger on the street telling me i’m beautiful to friend that have been trying to drill the same thing into my head for the last eight years (i’m learning sir, thanks for being patient) and set aside the old horrible voices that just kept wanting to tear me down. i had a huge moment last week where i went through some crazy deep, raging anger but i had people there to listen and hear me and help me work through it and address and dismiss the source of it. do you know how fucking great it feels to let anger go? and how great it is to have people that not only listen to you and help you through it but also take the time to help you find the lesson in it and help you grow in a healthy way from it?

i had dinner last night with an outstanding, adorable gentleman where we were able to talk and enjoy each other’s company for 4 hours. it was a positive, fun, thoroughly enjoyable evening. i’ve been able to spend afternoons and weekends with the spawns for quite a while without  crazy and drama and arguments (within reason- there is still a teenager in the house, we have our moments). there has just been positive and good from all directions.

it wouldn’t be me if i didn’t say that there is still a part of me that’s holding out- in the back corner there’s this little voice saying it’s too good to be true, when the other shoe drops it’s going to be fucking hiroshima around here, there’s something else going on, it can’t be all this positive without a huge backlash coming around the bend.

maybe. i don’t know. maybe there is something coming. but i can’t worry about that today. i’m learning that. i’m learning to silence that voice. the voice that says things can’t be good for me. the voice that says it’s only good because something bad is coming. i’m learning to ENJOY THE GOOD. why should i worry about tomorrow when i have NO IDEA what it will bring? why waste that energy when i can be celebrating all the GREAT things that are happening right now? the little spawn has been selected for a special tutoring program. the big spawn is off the charts in his school placement testing. i’m part of a team producing a successful magazine. TODAY there are great people around me and GREAT things going on. and you know what? i’m going to fucking enjoy it and appreciate the shit out of it. i’m going to be grateful that all these healthy people have been in and are still coming into my life. i’m going to take the time to look at today, look at the last week, be the annoying obnoxious happy pollyanna that won’t shut up about all the cool shit happening.

it’s been a fanfuckingtastic week. and i appreciate that. and i’m excited about it. and whatever tomorrow brings, today was a great fucking day. and i’m so thankful i’ve been able to say that so many days lately.

becoming...?

i’ve been in this strange transition type thing lately. i’m not sure what it is or how to describe it really. it's not really a re-invention since i'm not starting from scratch, but it is more than simply changing the favorite ice cream flavor. maybe it’s simply growing up and i’m just now catching on.

i know we all go through a continuous cycle of change and becoming who we are and all the cliche things that we see on plaques and pinterest posts all over the place. they’re cliche for a reason. i don’t mind the process, i welcome it. i don’t want to stay the same person forever. that would mean i’ve closed my mind, stopped learning, stopped seeking, stopped growing. i never want to stop any of those things.

i guess my struggle, if you could call it that, is learning to balance the process out. writing for the magazine has been AMAZING. i’m writing, #1. actually writing. getting my voice out there. a voice that was picked because of what it is. i can’t even begin to say how exciting that is. i was asked to be on this magazine because of who i am. not because i’m a writer and they wanted to twist my words. i AM what they were looking for, as i am now. mouthy, sassy, brash, vocal, raw honesty, all of it. i love the things i’m learning. i love doing photo shoots, interviewing artists, coming up with new ideas, watching it each issue grow and take on a life all its own. my creativity has jumped back to the forefront, there’s a million ideas chasing around in my head all the time, new things to try, ideas for articles, everything. i’m stepping into a world i’ve never been in and learning to still love myself even though i don’t always feel comfortable or in place. i’m not used to art shows, models, photographers, being in pictures and on camera. it’s totally different and new and fucking SCARY.

here’s the strange thing- the more i step into this new world, the more old pieces of me have been surfacing. and i’m not quite sure what to do with that yet.

back in the day (a wednesday, of course). i used to be an entirely different person. perhaps i shouldn’t say ENTIRELY- there’s still pieces of that girl floating around. in high shool i went through a few incarnations- mostly a nerd, there was also an “i dont care” phase where in there was some terrifically bad hair and ill fitting mens tee shirts (remember big dog brand? oh yeah...i had those). there was the country phase in which i tried like hell to be pretty, do my hair, wore wranglers and boots most days and had a few shirts like this: that i LOVED (oh the days when i wasn’t embarrassed if my midriff showed). i slowly morphed into a cheerleader and tried even harder to be pretty (when your mum doesn’t believe in any hair products/tools, make up, anything even remotely feminine, it’s harder than you’d imagine). during this whole time i was a nice, quiet book nerd, kept to myself- partly out of my natural self, partly out of all sorts of trouble that i’d been in my first few years of high school. better to be invisible as much as possible. i went to church every sunday and wednesday, had taken a purity pledge- no sex til marriage, did what my parents said, did my school work as well as i could, had very few friends, just kind of...there.

i got knocked up and became a mom before really having a chance to know who i wanted to be when i grew up- almost overnight i was “up”. went to college and got a LITTLE bit of self, got married and lost that, and have spent the last 9 years figuring out what and who i want to be now. even that’s changed- 6 years ago i SWORE i would never leave my small little town. 3 years ago i could have never imagined NOT being a corporate stooge. now i have no idea what tomorrow holds.

my homes have shifted over the years- from hand me down personality and furniture to “country” comfortable (oh, so, much, blue) and now i guess it could be called eclectic at best. i’ve always had pictures of family, art other people thought i would like, art i actually DO like, slowly, it’s grown into MY house. everything here is something i picked and brought in. i appreciate the help from people over the years, but it’s finally me. dark wood furniture, comfortable seating, fancy flashes here and there, strange pieces that shouldn’t fit but do, things i looked for FOREVER, things i found and instantly fell in love with. even that is shifting though- i think it’s time to put away the memorial for my dad, keep a few things out and tuck the rest away. time to have a family WALL instead of shotgunned through the house and let the rest be art that i love and want to show to people. my voice is changing again. i love it. i’m just not sure where it’s going.

back to the original point, the more i change the more flashes of past selves are emerging. i’m comfortable again in jeans and teeshirts, gone are the office clothes and slacks and fitted shirts of not so long ago. my music (much to the horror of those around me) has shifted back to country. as much as i want to dress up in a ball gown for the magazine launch party, i just as badly want to put on some jeans and boots and go line dancing at a back-woods bar. i’ve LOVED having people over for bbqs and dinners and random things. that’s something i wanted to do years ago but lost somewhere along the way.

there’s also the newer me- the one more willing to stand up for herself and speak her mind. i’m realizing (slowly but surely) that i’m worth a damn lot more than i give myself credit for. i’m creating art, meeting people, taking chances, pushing myself (with help). i’m comfortable giving my opinions, being my whole self, walking away from poisonous things without worrying about the other person instead of myself. i’ve had the chance to step away from what i HAD to do and have been able to try what i wanted to do. i’ve also learned to recognize and admit that it isn’t working and have gown enough to know there’s a balance there. i can seek the stability i need and still keep the things i love- at least some of them. now i need to learn to do that with myself, not just my circumstances. there’s room for a tattooed, country, unconventional, mouthy, conservative, artistic, honest, down home, glamorous rebel in the world, isn’t there?

obligatory review

well. it's a week into a new year. i suppose i should take some time to reflect and learn and all that crap.

overall: 2011: not too shabby. not great, but for sure didn't kick my ass like the two previous years.

month by month shall we?

january: whatever. can't remember.

february: quit my job. the start of the new, different, year of changes. so many goals, so many things to do.

march: i'm bored.

april: i'm bored. oh, and lost grandma to bone cancer. sudden, fast, but hell, she made it to 88.

may: I BOUGHT A HOUSE. this is what happens when you're bored.

june: worked on the house.

july: worked on the house.

august: moved into the house. started making coffee. started working as a secretary.

september: kids back to school. hired/fired contractors that fucked me over.

october: halloween. i'm sure there was something else.

november: family holidays, whatnot. oh yeah: no more work.

december: more family holidays. more work followed by no work.

and here we are back to january again. there was so much more in there. looking back over blogs, looking back at kids, friends, pictures, there was some really good things and some really terrible things. overall though it was a pretty ok year.

now. the important things: what did 2011 teach me?

death sucks. if you haven't been expecting it, if you have, if it pounces on you, whatever. it wasn't any easier to watch my grandmother get sick and fade than it was to wake up one day and hear my dad was gone. you never want it to happen. you never want to let someone go. 25, 27, 55, 88 years...it's never enough.

family sucks: i still haven't been able to write about it but there was a huge shift in what remains of my family this year: in a way i lost all the family that i have left. i faced a really damn hard truth that my mother will never believe me, will never stand up for me, and would rather lose my kids and i than face some unpleasantness in her home. i also learned that my brother will unequivocally side with her. that sucks. it’s the only blood i have left and i don’t really have them. kind of a sucker punch, but at the same time i know i’m not alone, i do have good people and the world does go on.

contractors suck: i’ll expand this one to include: way too many people suck. i found out the hard way this year that there are way too many people out there willing to take the easy way, screw people over, do every dirty damn thing they can with no remorse. i had “friends” that disappeared when i stopped paying for every thing they could think of. i had a company i had been loyal to for 10 years fuck me without blinking twice. i had contractors that took advantage of my trust and left me broke and without a bathroom. i watched friends get screwed over. i watched my kids get screwed over. i watched employers get screwed over. it really sucks when you work so damn hard to do the right and best thing you can at all times only to realize you’re one of the very few. i guess i’ve was protected in my little cubicle world before. being out and around people now you see how many of them really do honestly suck. i LOVE that the people i’ve allowed in my life aren’t like this. i would like to believe the old saying: like attracts like. we all have a few exceptions, shit happens, but i’ve found some really awesome people that bust their ass and would do anything they could to help each other. i’m finding out how rare and precious that is and i like that i’ve learned to appreciate it more now.

fear is my biggest obstacle: i want to do so many things. but i’m scared. and i haven’t kicked my own ass enough to get over it. i’m honestly scared of dating- what changes will i have to make? what if he’s terrible? what if my kids don’t like him? what if they DO like him? what if i get rejected? what if i DON’T get rejected? i’m a pansy! it’s easier to stay single and bitch than step into the unknown. i’m afraid of failure: i want to start a business. i want to do all these great things in my head and work and make it amazing. but what if people don’t get what i’m trying to do? what if i don’t get customers? what if i fail and have to close? what if i’m a success and it’s too much to handle? what if i get shitty employees that try to fuck me over? what if i get good people and i can’t support them? and writing- remember all the writing i was going to do this year? i’m terrified of it. all the blogs that are still in my head- there’s a LOT of heavy subjects up there. what if people don’t like the serious side instead of the wry humor? what if i say something i shouldnt? what if it crosses a line and i can’t go back? i’ve been stuck since this summer. there’s one GIANT road block and i can’t decide if i need to bust it down and lay all the shit bare or skirt around it or avoid it all together. what if i say things about myself that causes me to lose more people? lose my support system because it’s just too much?

so. 2012: the year i kick fear’s ass.

also: a friend told me this year: “i believe the way you start the new year sets the whole tone for the year.”

i spent quite a bit of time thinking about that on new years eve. i wanted to do something different. i want this year to be different. i DID go out (just for a few minutes, and no adult parties...baby steps). i DID do something different (no disney channel). it was movies with my kids and sparkling cider at midnight followed by a movie with a very good friend and waking up in the morning to a hot cup of coffee and happiness. not a bad start at all. different, GOOD, and exactly what i want to make 2012 be. different and GOOD.

i’m applying for jobs. i’m working on my house. i working on writing more. i’m working on kicking fear’s ass. i’m watching my kids grow up. i’m learning to ask for help. i’m learning to accept help when it’s offered. i’m learning to discuss things as they happen instead of reaching an point of no return. i own a house and damn it, i want to own my life too. so. it’s a few days late, but welcome to 2012.