third time's the charm

well, here it is almost february and i'm still trying to recover from the holidays.

i've been in hiding since november-ish and after recently peeking my head out a bit i'm starting to think long term hiding has some serious perks.

the election, of course, was...well...a shit show. i made the choice to step away from several of my core groups as a result. i'm not a political person. i am not nearly educated enough to know the nitty gritty of the actual policies and practices, and i'm not nearly hard line enough one side or the other to be completely unsettled by the results. as the election and the results have continued (and will for some time) to be the primary focus for the world at large, from both directions, i will be hiding in my corner trying to understand the best i can and rewatching old seasons of friends and roseanne and trying to sort out the inner workings of my personal bubble.

but one event alone was not enough to derail the trainwreck of the holiday season. good old fashioned family shit decided to add to the merriment, as is usual for the holidays.

it's been a hard few months. a really hard few months. there's been a hard learning curve, some pretty heavy introspection, and, as a result, some major life changes are happening.

a brief overview: 13 year olds are very impressionable and not equipped with the best communication tools, 18 year olds are angry and use every tool at their disposal to wreak as much havoc and pain as possible, and 60+ year olds are delusional, destructive, and need to just disappear already.

BUT, even in the worst of times, there's an opportunity to learn and grow. and i'm trying. i know it sounds cliche, but damn, weed makes you have some deep thoughts.

i've been attending meditation classes since...i think around september, working through a book learning how to have better compassion for myself and others. between some great strains of 420, some good meditation/teaching, and actually allowing myself (forcing myself) to look at things instead of just stuffing them down inside to stay in survivor mode there's been some really key things that have opened up for me:

teen parenting SUCKS. i did it. i survived. but DAAAAAMN. all the things they prepare you for: being broke, being a statistic, higher probability of minimum wage jobs, higher probability of being on government assistance, higher probability of...fill in the blank. they give you all the statistics. they tell you how hard it will be. they prepare you for dealing with a crying baby and a toddler.

what they DON'T tell you is how to learn how to make mistakes with someone ALWAYS watching. i didn't get my 20's to screw up financially and figure out how to bail myself out without it affecting anyone. if i screwed up financially (which i did, repeatedly) it affected 2 other people. if i miscalculated my checkbook ledger i had to worry about feeding 2 other people until it could get straightened out. if i wanted a night out, i had to budget how it would affect daycare and buying shoes. my kids have had to hear "we can't afford..." more times than any kid should. they've been with me in grocery stores and restaurants when my card didn't go through. they've learned to check your balance before you grocery shop. granted, not all BAD lessons, but not something that kids need to be worrying about.

i didn't get the crappy roommate time in college to learn how to live with someone. i didn't get the wandering from job to job time. i didn't get the crappy relationships, watching friends settle down, wedding season chaos, ANY of the crap you've seen a million times in a million different sitcoms. i had to consider the repercussions of everything. I had to watch for the ripple effect. i made PLENTY of 20-something mistakes. PLENTY of them. but, for me, they weren't just mistakes. they were memories for my kids. they were moments emblazoned into little minds and cemented as mistakes and flaws. my oldest son has a devastatingly low opinion of me, i think partly because he remembers it ALL. he remembers my marriage and divorce. he remembers moving all the time. he remembers all my mistakes and hates me for them. and i know part of that will assuage with time as he grows and makes his own mistakes, but for right now they're weapons. sharp, heavy, devastating weapons.

the hardest part for me is that i'm still making mistakes. i'm still learning. i'm still trying like fuck to figure out this parenting thing. but i don't have anyone to look to for how they did it. i don't have anyone to ask how they handled situations. i don't have parents or grandparents or friends with older kids. the friends i have with similar aged kids are in the same boat trying to figure things out too. and i know there aren't "ANSWERS" to parenting. but there's people that have been through it before. there's people that remember better what it was like for them (i've blocked out probably 75% of my childhood).

and in my learning, and in my mistakes, i'm doing what i can to correct what's happened and prevent what i can going forward.

one of the biggest things that came out of the disaster that was this holiday season was some GREAT (hard) conversations with my 13 year old. we've come up with several things that need worked on. we're learning better ways to talk to each other and be heard. we're working on sorting through actual memories vs things people have told him/are telling him.

one of the biggest things that came out of this is that he doesn't feel safe in our home. there was a litany of reasons, some reasonable, some irrational, but at the end of the day, he doesn't feel safe and that is a HUGE concern. part of it is basic neurosis (which he gets 100% from me): worrying about if there's a fire- there's only one way out: down the stairs. it's like he crawled inside my mind (or maybe i said something once that he heard and hung onto). one of the few things i DO remember from my childhood is laying in bed at night counting the time between the blinks on the smoke detectors. i used to count the flashes and plan over and over and over what i would do if there were a fire, what i would grab, how i would get out. this is, to this day, the reason i will never, ever, no matter what, sleep naked. i am 100% convinced that the ONE TIME i sleep naked the house will burn and i'll be in the streets naked AND homeless. i still lay awake at night and think of how much time i would have to wake up the teenager, how many things i could grab, what's important enough or not to risk grabbing, and how to get outside.

let's not even go into how much of a living nightmare it was to have my dad die in a house fire.

so, i get it. i worry about if someone breaks into the house how would we get away, how would i stop them and protect the kiddo. i worry about...fuck...you name it, i've worried about it.

so, I GET IT. and i thought it was just me. and i can deal with things when it's just me. but when it's my kid? game changer.

so, he finally tells me he feels unsafe in out house.

game changer.

so. time to find a solution: we're selling the house and finding a better, safer feeling place to live.

we've picked out a VERY nice apartment in the valley- closer to work for me, better high school for the kid, all the amenities that you could want, and SAFER. one floor, better exits, better security, newer construction...the list goes on.

we list the house in a week, the last month has been a process of cleaning/purging/repairing/getting ready.

third time's the charm, right?

and, for those playing along at home, yes, i've attempted this before and failed MISERABLY. i've taken that into heavy consideration, and, with the great help of some good 420 and a few quiet evening, have figured out a few things: last time we weren't ready. we didn't have a reason. we didn't have a plan. i didn't get the idea that i don't need to be friends with the realtor, it's a professional relationship. i wanted an ally, someone that was on my side. sure, that would be GREAT, but this is their JOB. this isn't coffee time with a BFF, this is a business transaction. also, they don't need to like my house AS IT IS. sure, it's hard when people look around and criticize paint colors, when they tell me my taste is too eclectic (weird) to sell the house, when they nitpick all the flaws that trust, i'm WELL aware of. they're job is to make it as appealing to as many people as possible. whomever buys it isn't going to live with me. they're not going to keep the same decor. they're not going to get why i think a shower curtain works in a livingroom. and it doesn't matter.

i don't know if the realtor didn't explain it well to me before or if i just didn't listen, but I GET IT NOW. i'm not showing MY house to people, i'm showing A house to people. yeah, a few things up on the walls to make it feel like a HOME are nice, all my knick-knacks and clutter? not so much.

also? this is probably the first time i've really had the time to fully consider a move. we're not moving because we HAVE to. any deadlines are completely mine. i don't have a landlord going into default kicking me out. i don't have a lease expiring, i don't have any of the reasons that we've moved before.

this time WE CHOOSE. we were able to take time, decide what we want in a new place, research, and really, really be picky. i didn't have to take the first thing i found in our price range and make it work. i didn't have to find the only thing affordable in a college town on a single budget. i didn't have to settle in any way. and i'll tell you what, really getting to pick, with no limits on it? WHOLE DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE. also? apartments now are WAY nicer than the last time we looked. the new concept of "communities" is actually really amazing. common spaces, shared gardens, places you can have guests over, allowing painting and decorating and making it your own home...things have really changed. it's pretty amazing.

this is also the first time we haven't been just shoving things in boxes. i'm taking my time really thinning out, deciding what goes and what goes away. i know the floor plan of the new place, the measurements, so i'm able to decorate in my brain and know what will fit and what will make clutter. i'm able to go through cabinets, get rid of things we haven't touched since we moved into this house. i'm able to catalog (dude, there's some AMAZING smart phone apps for cataloging movies and books- do it, even if you're not moving!).

we have been in control of this move from the very first minute. that's a whole new experience for me. deciding IF we wanted to move, picking out where, picking out when...it's been really healthy and therapeutic in so many ways.

i realized the other night that i never really took buying the house and moving seriously before. to me, buying a house was exactly the same as renting an apartment. i looked around, found one that would work that we could afford, signed a few papers, and moved in. i didn't have to do the mortgage, the inspections, the closing issues. i just handed over a check and they handed me keys. that was literally it. and as i've said before, i didn't go into buying a house for the right reasons. i bought it because i was "supposed" to. this time i'm doing the process because we WANT to. that's a whole different ball of wax.

i feel prepared this time. i know this is for sure. this is happening. this is intentional, thought out, planned.

it's a big change. something good is coming out of a LOT of bad. i'm kind of getting to hit the reset button on losing my dad. and i am eternally grateful for the opportunity. i'm getting the chance to make better decisions with what his death entrusted to me. i have better tools for processing all the emotions and experiences. i have a little more distance from the initial ground zero, better perspective.

so.

here we go.

third time's the charm.

*pushing button*

when life hits the reset button:

the other day a friend posted a video blog about taking care of yourself- following the 4 R’s: Rest, Rejuvenation, Reloading, and Reconnecting. i think those are pretty self explanatory, but if not, go check out his blog here: http://middleway.posterous.com/the-4-rs-of-self-care very wise words. as i was typing a comment on his blog, i realized i had WAY too much to say in one comment (shocker) and so decided to post my own blog.

i know…i bounce between completely crazy off the wall posts to serious life posts…imagine living with me.

but this one…i’ve been thinking about it for a while…what do you do when life hits the reset button?

you know what i mean…when everything takes a sudden left turn when you were planning on going straight or right. when life dumps you on your ass, gives you an atomic wedgie, steals your lunch money, licks your glasses (what? that never happened to you?) or in general just does whatever it can to fuck you over. i’ve had the reset button hit SEVERAL times on me. i know other people that have had it hit on them. and it’s never the same. some days the reset button is just a simple: hey- want to go to a big college? some days it’s : hey- remember everything that was important to you that you held dear and close to your heart? yeah, i’m taking that away.

and what do you do when shit hits the fan? there is no right answer. there is no perfect way to respond. there is no handbook, no right thing to do, no perfect first step. but the important part is TAKING a step. any step. to just keep stepping. like sean said in his post- you have to take time for the 4 R’s- you have to rest, rejuvenate, reload, reconnect (which implies a time of DISCONNECT which is ok). taking that in a different direction , or the scenic route of the same direction- i have to REDUCE. sean mentioned at the beginning having his routines that he does, his hobbies- i call it my core self. WHO AM I? what makes me tick? what is my main fall back that i can always go back to and always find myself in? some people it’s being out doors, some people it’s dancing or art or sports or music. for me, it’s writing. writing has ALWAYS been my fall back. journaling, writing, blogging, anything- it’s my core, it’s what i go back to. so when shit hit, i REDUCE back to my core. i cut out what i need to be it people or activities or tv or whatever. i go back to what i know best, what makes me feel my best, something i know that i can always do. i’ve been writing since i could hold a pencil (my mom still has my first book- stapled backwards since i’m left handed and it just made sense that way).

my first big reset button that i really remember was 10/1997. that’s when life said- hey, guess what: PREGO! talk about a reset button. from a no plans high school senior just wandering through life, suddenly i had someone else to be responsible for, a life to plan, things i had to do, decisions i had to make- HOLY CRAP. and at the time it wasn’t a conscious thought, but i started to journal. and i wrote about it ALL. from how it happened to thinking about adoption to the doctors appointments, fights with the baby daddy, making plans, being scared shitless, going into labor. i wrote it all out and it helped me focus and make it through it all.

second big reset button: hello divorce. wow. i just found all those journals a while back and read through them again. it got really REALLY bad there for a while. but i wrote it out. i remember TELLING myself to write that time around. i had no one to talk to, no where to go, and i KNEW that i could write. i was TERRIFIED to write. he had read a few old journals and was NOT ok with me writing- but i made myself write (and hide the journal under the mattress). it got it all out. it sorted my thoughts, reminded me on the bad days of the good things, and reminded me on the questionable things why i was getting out. it helped me hold it together and remember and make it through. it also helped heal afterwords- getting it all out about a major change- divorce, two kids, a sick baby, part time work, the whole mess. and it was A TON of crap going on. i look back now and know that if i hadn’t had some way to get myself through it- who knows. but i knew to go back to my core. i knew how to pull myself out.

the last few years big and little reset buttons have hit: problems with the kids, close people passing away, fights, loves, friends, happy, sad, pissed off. things change constantly: we’ve moved, we’ve changed schools, daycare, found out about abuse, found out about suicide, found out about betrayal- and it’s all been there on my blogs (sorry about some of those by the way…). it was my out. it was my way to make it through, to get back to a balance. i had to go back to my core, reduce to my true self: writing. and i always recommend that to people. my oldest son is turning into an artist: so when shit hits the fan for him i tell him to draw about it. i learned the hard way once to never take away his art work- holy world ending. but when he lost his step mom and brother last year he was lost. hell…anyone would be lost after a blow like that, but an 11 year old kid? and he didn’t know what to do or how to let it out and i told him to draw it out. draw his lost brother the way he wanted him to be: make him the hero in a comic book, or the main character in a story. draw about his step mom and his dad, draw whatever he felt. i don’t know if he ever did, but it helped him just knowing what to do or where to turn if he needed to. i could see the heavy lift off him when the suggestion sunk in- something he was good at and could freely express him self in. it was like watching a light bulb turn on in his head. and it’s been that way sense. when he gets stressed he draws. now we just have to learn the balance between getting school work done and being stressed at school and drawing…oy. double-edged sword!

but- i promise, i’m getting to a point. i need an editor. sheesh.

BUT. i look at friends, i look at people i know and i wonder if they have the tools. i wonder if they know the 4 R’s of taking care of themselves. i wonder if they know who they are and what their core is that they can fall back on. and i see people struggling and i hurt for them. i hurt for the lost feeling and the pain and not knowing how to come out of it.

i’ve seen so many people struggling and having HUGE reset buttons hit in their lives the last year and i wonder if they know who they are, if they have a core to go back to. do they know how to find themselves and rebuild from the ashes? and it terrifies me the ones that don’t seem to. even more so as a fixer: i want to make it better for them. i want to point them in the right direction and give them a push and hold their hand and make it all work out. but how can i point them in the right direction if they don’t know what their direction is?

i guess that’s the point. it’s not the point i started out to have…but go figure. FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE. take time away, before a crisis hits. think about it. WHO ARE YOU? what is your core? what can you fall back on? what do you need to reduce to? what can you rejuvenate yourself with? what will restore you? it’s one of the most important lessons i’ve learned in life: finding out how to heal myself. i can’t expect others to do it for me. i can’t expect other people to know what to say or what to do. I NEED TO KNOW. and i want my friends to know. i want them to know how to make it better when the really shitty reset buttons are pushed. i want to see (and help) them rebuild. i want to watch them grow and learn and come out of things instead of faltering and becoming lost. so. ugh. getting sappy up in here. please friends: take a minute to learn yourself. make a note of it somewhere you’ll run across it often. leave reminders/objects around your house. let your friends know. find out who you are. and once you know, remember to take time to be the healthiest YOU. the 4 R’s are really important to live by. because i love ALL of you. and i want you to stick around for A LONG TIME. i mean… my blog needs readers. cause in the end, it’s all about me and what i need. remember that.