when it's nice to be boring

i've been struggling with what to write this week...late to my own deadline.

sounds about right.

but i was struggling with what to write because there were no BIG MOMENTS. there was no massive break through, no life altering realizations, no major transformative moments.

and fuck if realizing that wasn't a relief.

whew.

it's been a FEW WEEKS for me ya'll. no child support! sliding down the kinsey scale! overcoming the massive fear of posting a video.

just...existing ya'll.

it's a weird feeling with everything going on right now.

am i inside the funnel? the cone of silence?

the world is a hot mess right now.

pandemics, politics, asteroid...

it's a lot.

but i feel like i'm just kickin back watching it all.

weird how i'll have a MASSIVE panic attack about my ability to retroactively pay daycare bills, but the pending end of the world is just like..meh.

not to be a total asshole, but things are really boring for me right now.

quarantine at home when you're not at work?

CHECK

excuse to openly wipe off your desk after gross people touch it?

CHECK.

politics?

i already voted. hit me up in november if we're all still around then. #bluenomatterwho

this week i just got to sit.

i meditated/did yoga under the full moon for about 4 hours last night BECAUSE I COULD. do you know how relaxing it is to just focus on gentle stretching and clearing your mind FOR FOUR HOURS?

do you know the last time i just took as long as i wanted to intentionally do nothing?

ok. so last weekend. shut up.

THIS WAS INTENTIONAL, NOT JUST LAZY.

self care ya'll. 

WHO CARES IF IT'S CHEESY AND CLICHE?

yeah everyone loves it, CAUSE IT'S AWESOME.

you bet your ass i have a NAMASTE pillow on my bed.

it's nice to not have anything specific to report. just kickin it. still broke as fuck. still listening to music and practicing multiple The Voice auditions FULL VOLUME. my poor neighbors.

i'm getting back into reading. i splurged last week with tax return money and bought three books:

Faking It by Lux Alptraum available: here

Never Have I Ever by Joshilyn Jackson available: here

sold on a monday by Kristina McMorris: GOODREADS

still also reading

The Italian Wife by Kate Furnival available: here

The Greatest Love Story Ever Told by Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman: GOODREADS

but yeah.

it was a boring as fuck week.

i take another, please.

universe: 1 billion, me: 0

did you ever have one of those days where it just seemed like the universe was plotting against you from the moment you woke up?

i know it isn't real, it's all in perspective, but when you feel like you've been knocked flat on your ass the perspective is a little skewed.

the last few nights have been dreams of being chased by a serial killer- perhaps too many crime shows. couple that with insomnia and a dog that sleeps all day and is restless at night- you have a damn shitty start to a tuesday.

i woke up early this morning, had to drive the big spawn to school so his cigar box banjo wouldn't get damaged on the bus- no, i don't understand the logic of it either. school is at 8, i don't have to be to work until 9 even though they're only a few blocks apart. told him i would wake up, shower, run him to school then come home to get ready, PLEASE be ready to go so i have time between trips to get ready. he decided to sleep in and take a shower right before me. being a teenager, a shower isn't complete until ALL the hot water is gone. so there's me, in all my grumpy insomniatic serial killer dream glory, add in a cold shower. now add in SHITTY roads for not one but TWO trips across town (school, then work).

i pulled my shit together for work, took calls, didn't drive my coworker TOO nuts (that i know of anyway) until about 1:27 when i got a call from the small spawn school counselor.

sometimes the straw that breaks the camels back isn't a single straw, it's a whole fucking harvest full of  bales.

the counselor was calling about getting help started for the small spawn.

YES, getting help STARTED.

because, you know, i haven't been fighting to get him help EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. YEAR.

long story short: they want to put him in the "resource room."

back in my day the "resource room" was called "special ed."

they want to take the small spawn out of standardized learning with typical learning students and place him in a classroom of moderate to severe special needs kids.

because of his speech and reading.

the two programs i have been FIGHTING to get him help for.

he's been in speech therapy since he was 2. he started in district 81, THE SAME DISTRICT HE'S IN NOW with speech therapy BEFORE kindergarten. every year he's been placed in speech and reading intervention. every year they removed him from the programs when he "reached the level of his peers and was disqualified for additional resource assistance."

EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. i asked about dyslexia.

they told me it was age typical. they told me he was fine, he'd grow out of it. they told me they would keep an eye on it.  

guess why they want to test him and put him in the "resource room"?

because he has abnormal speech patterns, confuses/changes his letters and words still, and hasn't mastered the sight words typical of his age.

YOU MEAN DYSLEXIA?

last spring i had a meeting with his classroom teacher, the speech teacher, the reading teacher, and the school counselor. don't even get me started about how it was the END of the year before they listened to me asking for help and classroom intervention.

LAST YEAR we discussed a 504 plan to give the small spawn extra time during testing, additional help, and accommodations for other things (math word problems) that involved reading. I SIGNED THE DOCUMENT LAST SPRING.

december 10th this year i went in for a parent teacher conference.

there was NO record of a 504 plan. there was NO record of previous speech/reading intervention even though he's been doing it EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. since pre-k. there was no mention in his file of aspergers. there was no mention of every. single. fucking. conversation. that i've had EVERY. YEAR. with EVERY. TEACHER. about how to help him succeed in class.

NOTHING. not a single fucking thing in his file. 

where did FOUR years worth of information go?

as soon as i mentioned aspergers to THIS teacher she lit up, changed her whole perspective on the small spawn. see...she has a son with aspergers. SHE GETS IT. the one fucking year i didn't go in before school started to talk to the teacher. the one year i thought they had a plan in his file. the ONE FUCKING YEAR someone gets it and we've wasted half the school year already.

and now they want to start all over, test him, pull him out of the standardized class room and make everything a million times worse.

he's finally making friends. he's OFF THE CHARTS smart in math, science and history. he's never been a discipline problem in the classroom, he's always the first to help. he LOVES school. he LOVES learning.  and now they want to break all that, in the middle of the year, and place him in a segregated classroom? TO HELP HIM?

and i don't know what to do. if they test him and he "passes" he'll be pulled out of class (supposedly only after my approval). if he "fails" the tests then there's no other resources to help him since he's already tried them all.

i can't afford tutors. i can't afford outside classes or learning centers.

i've been beating myself up since he started school at my own inability to help him. ME, with the fucking literature degree can't even help my own son read. i haven't figured out how to teach him something that always came to easy to me.

i sat down and read with him tonight- the "big nate" books i got him for christmas.  he can read hyphenated words across line breaks. he can sight read words like "relationship", "omen", "backboard", "according" but he trips over "it" and "was" and "day". 

where would you even start? he can do complex math problems (for his age) but still gets b and d confused and puts his shoes on the wrong feet.

and so i research and read and i do what i always do when i have a problem: try to find a logical solution or step to take.

go ahead. google dyslexia. see if you can find a concrete learning plan or suggestion. see if you can find anything other than "there's no explanation or cure for it."

one of the most common learning problems and all they can say is: "yup. it happens. doesn't mean you're not smart. just means you process things differently."

WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK.

you win the captain obvious award for the day.

so i search iphone apps- there's has to be SOMETHING, right? somewhere to start?

105 apps pull up under a search for "dyslexia".

very few have more than a 2 start rating. most of those are typing tutors or apps that do NOTHING once you've installed them.

the khan academy is focused on math and sciences.

we've tried having the older spawn help (that's a TRAIN WRECK).

we've tried leap pad (didn't hold his attention).

we've tried study buddies at school (bully problems, he doesn't want to go anymore).

we've tried campus kids (interaction with a college student/mentor: cool, no help).

we've done reading intervention (kicked him out when he reached the level of his peers, then he digressed).

we've done flash cards (he gets frustrated too quickly).

we've done reading practice (we both get frustrated too quickly).

we've done wii/gameboy games (they're not fun like the other games available).

now what?

no really. i have no ideas left.

so. yeah, tuesday: you win.

but i will be back. i WILL find an answer. fuck you district 81. i WILL find help for my son.

bad mommy moment:

i will start by saying this: EVERYTHING to follow is completely, 100% narcissistic and missing the big picture. i get it. i know it's not ALL about me. i do. really.

that said:

i feel like the biggest mommy failure but i'm very proud at the same same, but very ashamed, and very embarrassed, and a whole other mix of things. ~sigh~ basically it's a typical friday.

so. i had a call from youngest spawns school this week. his reading recovery teacher called to let me know that he's been selected for a special "reading behind the glass" demonstration (don't even get me started on what that sounds like...a 1st grade reading program is NOT on the list anywhere). out of all her reading recovery student, she selected my son to do a special reading demonstration to all the other reading recovery teachers, a few different principals, and whomever else would like to attend.

SUPER COOL! he was selected out of all the kids in his school in the reading recovery program because he's making the most progress, doing the best, working the hardest! HOORAY! and you can really tell...he reads out loud at home now at night for part of his homework and he's REALLY TRYING. and he's doing so much better. it's very exciting. it really is.

so. what's the bad mommy moment? i'm mad that my son is in reading recovery. and i'm sure that makes NO SENSE AT ALL. but see, here's the thing: i have a bachelors degree in literature. LITERATURE. READING. BOOKS. i've been reading since before i can remember. i wrote my first "book" when i was around 5 years old (illustrated and everything...and stapled backwards because i'm left handed and it totally made more sense that way). so...if i'm such a book freak, WHY IS MY SON IN READING RECOVERY? why has someone else had to teach him? the ony way i can even try to explain it is like this: imagine john nash trying to teach 1st graders math. and granted, i'm not the john nash of literature, but when i'm trying to teach something or explain it i feel like i am. i get SO FRUSTRATED that he doesn't just get it. that he doesn't just pick up a book and read. it TOTALLY doesn't help that the old spawn did that. never had a problem. just picked up a book and BAM. done. so. along comes spawn number two, and not only does he have trouble reading, he still has a very hard time with different parts of speech (think wiff instead of with) which makes listening to him read out loud SO HARD for me.  i want to focus on getting the word RIGHT instead of focusing on the fact that HE GOT THE WORD. and usually it ends up with one or both of us in tears due to sheer frustration. and i feel like such a failure. how can i not pass on the thing i love the most to my own kids?

and i know that's why there ARE reading recovery teachers. they have that gift of patience and ability to work through the frustration and help where i can't. i KNOW that. i'm GLAD those people are there. i'm SO EXCITED that my son IS DOING GREAT now because of one of those people. i just...grrrr...i feel like such a failure because i'm not that person.