hey kids: watch me chase my tail!

it’s getting real up in here bisches. in an effort to be completely true up in here i’m letting you in on a little secret: i’m a fucking idiot.

well…i am and i’m not.

you see…there’s this boy…

and now it’s all making sense…isn’t it?

you may have heard me mention the new boy. he’s a doll. he really is. he smart, funny, easy to be around, well respected among his peers, driven, has a plan laid out and is actively pursuing it. he’s worked hard to get here and doesn’t take anything for granted.

he’s also a gentleman- he likes to hold my hand out in public, put his arm around me, make sure everybody knows i’m with him…

he insists on opening my door for me when i get in or out of a car…absolutely insists on it…

he’s very concerned about me…you know…he really likes to know where i’m going and with whom…and it’s very disrespectful if i don’t let him know…

he’s concerned about my health and likes to know what medicine the doctor prescribed and check the container to make sure i’m taking it…

he’s never felt this way with anyone before…i’m different, i’m special, i’m an angel made just for him and he loves me…

he’s sensitive, so i need to be careful about how i talk to him so i don’t offend him or show disrespect…

and by the way…he’s a MAN. from a MAN’S culture. you know…an in charge man…

hunchback of notre’ dame having a field day in anyone else’s head? it’s like a four alarm fire up in my head…sirens and bells and whistles going off in every. single. direction.

can i solve the puzzle vanna? CONTROL FREAK.

what do i win? oh wait…

i know…it may seem like i’m just being me and bailing out early, but after all these years, i think my gut is pretty finely tuned and i may be finally learning to listen to it.

is he a great guy to be around? heck yeah. fun to dance with, dinner the other night was GREAT. i adore his roommate and his fiancé- they’re adorable to hang out with. all in all he treats me well. he’s strong, confident, lavishes attention on me. it all seems great…right?

but there’s this gut feel. the way he’s not just holding my hand, he’s marking his territory. the way he doesn’t seem to know my real name (calling me baby is NOT acceptable). the way he ½ asks, ½ orders a drink. how he refuses to be around my kids. how he HATES my cat (normally i could understand this, but most guys would just ignore, not antagonize).

there’s the way i got lectured (not yelled at, not berated, simply lectured) for going out saturday night with friends and not letting him know…according to him it was a matter of respect (or disrespect as the case may be).

the fact that i told him (**TMI DISCLAIMER**) that i had an infection in the lady parts (seriously Trojan? could you make a condom that DOESN’T cause an INSTANT yeast infection already please??) and he wanted to check the prescription and see the medicine to make sure that i wasn’t just making up an excuse to not “make the sex” with him

then fact that i’m making excuses…

yes, part of it is his culture. i do understand that it’s a male dominant culture. and i do understand that some of the things he talks about are basic respect issues and i honestly am not used to having someone to check in with…and YES, there is a difference between checking in and asking permission. any married couple or dating couple would naturally let their partner know where they’re at out of respect. they’re not asking permission- they’re just letting someone know in case of emergency, for information, to prevent worry…

but since when do i fall into that category of having someone to let know?

and part of me says that if he wants to become a citizen then he’s going to have to adapt to our culture. arrogant? probably. stupid american thinking? most likely. overly independent woman thinking? definitely.

and yes, i have PMS, so i’m reacting a little more strongly to things than i normally would. but that doesn’t give him a free pass. yes, there is a language/culture barrier and there’s bound to be some misunderstanding. and yes, i’m an abnormally independent, strong willed, out spoken female, but that doesn’t mean i can’t be taken down a peg or two and learn to be a partner as well…

oh wait…that one flipped around on me. damn.

i don’t know. there’s warning bells, but i STRONGLY also believe there’s a reason this is happening. we discovered last night that he had seen me before on the fish sight…yes, THAT fish sight. and he had even emailed me…he knew my profile- the pictures i had posted, what i had written about myself…he remembered that from months ago…so…you know…how random that i stuck out in his memory, he had messaged me then and met me now?

the alarm bells are ringing, and i’m listening. but i’m also trying to be patient and not jump ship quite yet. i’m trying to control my rip cord reflex, but that doesn’t mean i’m taking my hand off the cord just yet…

this has taken a turn…typing it all out has really made me think about it. maybe the reason we’re together is because we’re BOTH such strong personalities and there’s a LOT we could learn from each other. i could learn the difference between control and concern, and he could learn about equality and partnership. i think we might balance each other out. we’ve had a few scraps already, but not knock down drag out’s…we’ve both been able to present our side of things and talk through it rationally…not too many people i can do that with at all…and i’m guessing it’s the same for him. and i’m guessing there’s not many WOMEN, if any at all that would be willing to do that with him. we’re both strong enough to speak for ourselves and both willing to listen to the other person…damn you brain and your turning things around on me…

how do i even sum this up?

YES, i recognize the warnings, and YES, i’m paying attention to them. i’m also recognizing my need to soften my edges and let someone be nice to me and not question every single nice thing someone does.

i think i’ll take a nap now. chasing my own tail is exhausting.

it has been decided (for me)

so. i’m not weak. i think that’s the last word that 98% of people who have ever met me would use to describe me. i have this funny growth in the lump that’s three feet above my ass…it’s called a brain. and believe it or not, i have actually learned how to use it over the years, and i am surprisingly capable of making decisions on my own…at least enough to get me through the last 29 years or so. now admittedly, they haven’t always been the best decisions, but they’re ones that i made. ME. I MADE THEM. ON MY VERY OWN.
so it astounds me when people decide to think for me. to make decisions for me. that’s a lie. it doesn’t astound me. IT FUCKING PISSES ME OFF. are you fucking kidding me with this shit? you thought you knew what was best for me and went ahead and decided? it’s happened more times than i care to count in the last few years.
when i was a kid…had to have been 10 or 11…we got a call that my dad had been in a really bad car accident. had rolled the car several times, punctured a lung, broken several ribs, BAD shape. the accident had thrown the glove compartment 100 yards from his car, and completely totaled the car (a cop car…reinforced and all). we were told about it a week later and not allowed to go down to see him. “…it would be best if you didn’t see him like that...” FUCK YOU. my dad is in the hospital WRECKED UP and you think it would be best if i didn’t see him? are you fucking kidding me? he’s my dad. i should ESPECIALLY be able to see him then.
then when my little brother was in an accident this last august i was called FOUR DAYS LATER when he woke up from the coma. “…well, we didn’t want you to worry and rush over here, so we decided to wait and call you till we knew it was a little better…” WHAT THE FUCK? my brother is in a coma and you didn’t want to worry me? if i shouldn’t be worried then, when SHOULD i be worried? what if he hadn’t made it then? turns out he didn’t really make it then and i never did get to see him through all of that or through the end.
it same thing with his death. i was called THE NEXT DAY. “…well, we didn’t want you to stress out and drive down here so we waited to call you…” EXCUSE ME? stress me out? he’s fucking dead. why shouldn’t i be stressed? why shouldn’t i drive down as soon as i hear? shouldn’t that be my call? NOT YOURS? so i get there a day late and a dollar short. i swear to all that’s holy, if they don’t call me to spread his ashes, a few of them are going to join him in the great beyond.
and it’s still happening. people making decisions for me: “…well, i didn’t think you’d be comfortable so i didn’t think you should go…” WHAT? well fuck…i’m so glad someone knows what i’m comfortable with more than i do. i’m glad someone can make decisions for me of where i would feel okay going or which social situations i would feel comfortable putting myself in. nothing like a fucked up excuse twisted for exclusion. if you didn’t want me there, just fucking ball up and say it. don’t hide it behind some fucked reason that you are trying to force on me.
i’m a fucking big girl. believe it or not i can say yes please or no thank you to situations. i can handle being stressed out about things. i can handle being upset. i can handle making my own fucking decisions. i don’t need people to fucking think for me. trust me, if nothing else, thinking is one thing i’m more than capable of doing. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. i don’t make a decision without thinking it through roughly 100 times. i know what i’m comfortable with, i know what and where i want to be. i know what i can handle and what’s too much for me. it’s honestly a fucking slap in the face when a decision is made for me. it’s saying i’m not good enough. i’m not smart enough. i’m not grown up enough to be in control of my own life. yes, i might ask for help or input once in a while on a decision…but in the end, i am capable of making the final decision without having it made for me.