easy, trigger

 

i knowingly, openly acknowledge that i have a two really big triggers: housing and finances. when either of those are threatened, i come out swinging in a big way.

anyone following along at home has seen the results of that a few times in some of my battle royale against property management, former bosses, etc.

you threaten my ability to take care of and provide for myself (formerly myself and my kids) and i fucking snap.

ugly snap.

you’re going to hear words and insults you’ll need to look up and reference check at a later point in time, trust me they’re all accurate and devastating.

i’ve always kept in the back of my mind that this is something i need to address. learn to mitigate. be a little less volatile in response to.

today i decided that’s horse shit.

that’s MY STABILITY.

who the fuck else is going to fight for me? who else is going to protect my job? my house?

yeah. i come out big. really big. maybe don’t fuck with me. maybe that.

maybe don’t be a property manager that ignores the property while bodies are literally being dumped in the hallways.

maybe don’t be a boss that allows coworkers to grope and assault other coworkers.

maybe don’t be a manager that openly makes fun of your employees for how they’re struggling to survive.

i started working when i was 16.

i’ve worked in offices, fast food, coffee shops, corporations, family owned businesses, industrial, commercial, residential, retail. professional buildings, cramped “office” spaces (converted back rooms), warehouses, roadside stands, 

i’ve had bosses that refused to submit my application for promotion/transfer because they talked to my mom and decided i wasn’t ready.

i’ve had owners that allowed coworkers to openly talk about how they’re “prejudiced against all of them,” and didn’t understand why that bothered me.

i’ve had managers that warned “well, that’s what happens when you protest,” about police violence (during covid and the george floyd riots specifically). 

i’ve had owners that took their anti-vaxxing stance to the state capital and signed the business name to the books. 

i’ve had an owner insist his white nationalist politician bff was just “misunderstood” for his extremist views that eventually got him voted out of the gop.

i’ve had owners get angry with me for suggesting we turn down contracts for known problematic companies that threatened my community (i don’t want to help build a chic-fil-a).

i’ve had bosses that micro-managed and set unrealistic expectations. i’ve had bosses that provided no instruction or direction. i’ve had bosses that asked me to cover up illegal activities. i’ve had bosses that abused the shit out of employee after employee with no change or concern. 

i’ve spent A LOT of years biting my tongue. keeping quiet. staying out of it. not speaking up.

i had to make sure my rent was covered. i had to make sure my kids were taken care of. i had to stay quiet and keep the water as calm as possible. i had to just head down and do the damn work despite the setting.

and, eventually it would get to a point where i had to leave.

11 years

7 years

2 years and change

2 years to the day

just under 2 years

my patience has worn thin. my tolerance is thinner.

the flip side of that coin is my reactions are stronger. bigger.

i’m sick. as. fuck. of having to reboot my life because of some asshole.

i’m sick as fuck at having my stability and ability to care for myself absolutely wrecked because a racist misoginst homophobe can’t pull their head out of their ass.

i’m sick as fuck of scrambling to try implement emergency plans and contingency options when the rug gets pulled.

for years therapists have been talking mad shit about how i overthink, over plan, waste too much time making backing back ups for back ups? GET BENT.

try having a boss walk in on a friday and sit down at your desk with no warning and say “your position is eliminated effective immediately.”

and you have no choice but to grab your shit and walk out. right to work state means you’re fucked.

try having a female boss that says, “well, i can’t discipline the abuser because he’s related to half the workers and i’m afraid they’d all quit.”

so yeah.

you come for my stability, expect a reaction.

i’m not mitigating anything. i’m not reigning in. i’m not tempering. i’m not editing or holding back shit anymore.

i’m tired of having my life fucked with.

i’ve worked so. fucking. hard. to get to where i am.

fuck you if you want to take that away from me. expect a fucking fight.

well, okay then.

 whew.

 

today was A DAY.

 

yesterday morning, my boss was let go with no notice.

 

this morning the owner let me know they were eliminating my position, effective immediately.

 

so. 

 

holy fuck.

 

that sucks.

i cried all the way home, got a big pity party size latte, took a hot shower to wash all the snot off, and updated my resume.

onward.

the universe wasn't fucking around during my last card pull when EVERY. SINGLE. THING. SAID. CHANGE.

so. let's talk about some of that change.

a year ago when i was fired, i knew it was coming. i had a little time to prepare. it was still terrifying.

this time?

no notice. none. and yet? i'm ok.

this too shall pass.

i have enough to cover october rent and car payment, i'll find a job by the next one. everyone is hiring, so, i got this.

i know i have friends. i know i have support. i know i can land on my feet. again. is that a job? landing on your feet when life fucks you up? i'd be a fucking pro at that.

i know things are different now. my first thought was: well, this sucks. time to go home and meditate and clear my mind and make a plan.

no panic. no chaos. maybe that will hit on monday when i don't have anywhere to go.

but for now? i'm ok. my bills are caught up. stella has a full food container. my car is fixed. my license is renewed. i have enough weed to get through. priorities.

that's two huge things right there: my license, and my car is fixed.

have you been to the DMV lately? it's FANTASTIC. they only let a few people in at a time and it's by appointment, so you're in and out in under 20 minutes. it was so easy. covid may have fucked up...well, 99% of things, but it fixed the DMV!

i'm proud of myself. it sounds like a dumb or trivial thing, but i did it. i remembered to put it into the budget, i went literally from the bank to the DMV on payday on my lunch break and got my license renewed. i had a good hair day, a cute sweater, clear skin, a fresh paycheck, and a weight 30 lbs less than 10 years ago. the stars were only aligned for a nanosecond and i caught it!

also, my cooper is fixed! poor ginger broke her butt. rear taillight went out, turns out it wasn't *just* the bulbs (of course, she's a mini, it's never *just anything for her) it was the whole tail light assembly and plug.

FUCK MY LIFE.

however, the mechanic is an absolute good guy and found the part numbers for me to order off amazon and popped by after work one night to swap it out for me after the parts got here. absolutely saved me hundreds in parts/shop fees.

let me tell you the ANXIETY i had for days when my license was expired AND my tail light was out. good lord. if i had been pulled over, they would have taken one look at my tattoos and given me every citation possible. WHEW. both taken care of.

and the mechanic asked me to join him for a burger and a beer. so. win win.

other good things: my eyebrow appointment tomorrow is the *last* one in my pack. WOOT! brows will be ON FLEEK for interviews. don't tell them i still use "on fleek" if someone calls for a reference.

and i was able to get my lease signed for another 6 months at a less-than-it-started-at increase price. that's amazing. really got sketchy there for a minute. i did find out the "fire inspection" also included ALL of the management team. so, instead of two people in my apartment it was a GROUP of people, AND it was the people i've been fighting with for the last several months. all up in my space. with shady/not fully notified notice. but. i'm tired of fighting. i'm terrified ALREADY of being homeless, now today...

BUT. i have a 6 month lease. i have this month's rent. i have time to find a new job. i got this.

this too shall pass. i might not stick the landing, there may be a stutter step or two ahead. but i got this.

i've worked so hard on maintaining my mental health, my physical health, my financial health and it's paying off.

this time i skipped the shame spiral (mostly). i skipped the self loathing and the unending list of every mistake i've made ever and why i'm the most terrible employee of all time. meh. just makes my eyes puffy and gives me a gnarly headache. who needs either of those?

SO.

it's friday. it's 5:00 somewhere.

the sun is out, the windows are wide open. tonight i will meditate and recenter and refresh and get everything sorted out.

onward!

part b

so, that last post i've been sitting on since october. i didn't want to hit the "publish" button. there's so much that goes on in my head about how other people are going to read it. what they're going to say. the criticism. the ways it will get twisted and used against me.

it's terrifying to be honest. it's terrifying to say the ugly stuff. i've seen what happens. i know how people attack. i've been attacked. i know exactly what it's like to have my own words twisted and warped and used against me.

well hell, probably any person that's helped raise a teenager knows what that's like.


but if you don't say it, then someone else out there who feels the same way doesn't have something to look at and know they're not alone.

and fuck if that isn't everything.

if someone else knows they're not alone.

if something i say touches someone.

a very good friend left a comment like that for me a few weeks ago: how my writing has helped her look at some things in life a little differently.

i can't even say how much that means to me.

a few days later another dear friend bequeathed me her favorite pencil to encourage me to write more.

she is an amazingly skilled artist and creator and she's encouraging me to create more.

that's, just, fuck man. i'd be an asshole not to.

for new years this year i did a meditation ceremony. i sat in the middle of my gorgeous little living room with sage, salt, fire, water, air. i sat and cleared my mind and asked. i don't know who i asked. i don't know what i believe in right now. but i asked. the universe? some version of a greater being? myself? all the above?

i asked what my intention is for 2020. what is my focus. what do i need to learn? where is my path leading me?

i was given the word LISTEN.

i need to listen to people more. people who love me and support me. people who compliment me. friends who tell me they love when i write. friends that encourage me to create. friends that encourage me to be myself. friends that tell me...anything. i have brilliant friends. they are thoughtful, intentional, rational, logical, empathetic, educated by life, educated by experience, educated by books. they are bold and creative and goal driven. i have these AMAZING friends i trust. i respect. so why wouldn't i listen to them?

i need to listen to myself. trust my gut. i have strong instincts. i know things. i'm smart. i'm careful. i'm logical. i make list and check lists and i think through EVERYTHING. i need to learn to listen to myself and trust myself.

listen to people when they tell you who they are. people tell you who they are but you want to make excuses for them. you want to make reasons for them. explain things for them. but listen when they tell you who they are. don't ignore it because what they say doesn't fit what you want them to be or because you have a different idea of what you think they should be.

i had never sat and focused my energy like that before. i've made resolutions. eat less. work out more. be more organized. REALLY use a daily planner this year. but i've never sat and focused my enegy. cleared my mind, just sat and welcomed the new year and asked what it has in store for me.

so. listen.

what means trusting myself when i believe that what i have to say matters. listening to my friends and writing more. listening to my therapist and being more open and honest and real and exposed and all the terrifying things. not comparing my self to others. not worrying about what other people think all the time.

fuck. listening is fucking hard. because if you really listen you HEAR things. really hear them. and if you ignore them after that, well, then you're just an asshole (its me, hi) and don't get to bitch about shit anymore.

so, following up on the last post:

i LOVE my new job ya'll.

i have health insurance again and BACK. IN. THERAPY. that's right i'll fucking yell it. therapy is fucking amazing. i will bang that drum LOUD. AND. PROUD.

THERAPY. IS. AMAZING.

things aren't perfect.

the suicidal thoughts have tapered off. i've progressed from being "meh" about staying alive to thinking it would kinda be a bummer if i weren't. not thinking about dying, but not particularly excited about living. 

it's better though. i'll take it and i'll keep working at it.

i have some really tough decisions to figure out in a hurry up and wait fashion. i'm being sued for child support. the hearing was on the 29th with results to follow in 21 days. that determination will alter my budget again by a significant amount. i'm still adjusting to the pay cut of the new job. my apartment lease is up at the end of february and rent is going up. i have to decide to either sign another year lease and risk not being able to afford it depending on the child support results which i won't know for a few more weeks. and if i can't afford to stay here then i have to find some place cheaper to live, extremely fast, which, spolier alert, doesn't exist in spokane. so that means risking being roommates with one of my closest friends. roommates hasn't ever gone well for me before. 

last week one of the temp agencies i used to work with while job hunting called me on wednesday, mid morning. they had an interview for me. a job that would be $3/hour more than my new job, full time permanent, with medical fully covered by the company. it would be enough money to cover the highest amount of child support. it would be FULLY. COVERED. medical. the only interview available was at 3:50 on friday. they needed to know by 4:00 that afternoon.

i scheduled the interview.

how could i not?

then i came home and sat with it for about 6 hours. and by sat with it i mean researched the fuck out of the company, the executive board. snap chatted and slacked and texted friends discussing it. raged and cried and argued and went back and forth a million times.

the company was a family owned mid-sized industrial office administrator position. switch back to office work in the industrial field. what i've been doing for 21 years. what i know. what i'm good at. what i've always. done.

but i've done mid-sized industrial family owned businesses. that has not worked out well for me in the past. my last two jobs really took a tole on my mental health. 

and i've done administrative work. i LOATHE doing taxes. ive felt for a few years that it was time to make a change and try something new. it honestly didn't occur to me until after a few weeks at my new job that i have CHANGED. CAREERS. i'm not a secretary any more. i'm not in charge of ALL the things. we have DEPARTMENTS. i can ask other people for help. other people that know their part better. and i can know my part better. and we can work together. AND IT'S AMAZING. 

and i LOVE my office. i love my team. i have a manager that comes around every morning and asks if we need any help. is there anything he can do. is there a job/client/project we're stuck on. we all work together. we ask each other questions. we share the work. we encourage each other. my department hit our goals and so the manager took us on a work field trip to an arcade with pizza for lunch. 

i love the culture and work environment. people wear whatever they want, any color of hair or piercing or (hey, hi, it's me) tattoos. people are allowed to be WHO THEY ARE. full stop. they find ways to help make you successful.

true story: during my first week, my training week, my fourth day on the job, i had a full on melt down anxiety attack. they told us we were "going live" with calls.

I'M SORRY.

WHAT NOW?

i wasn't 100% clear about my job when i was hired, but i DID NOT, i in no way shape or form had any inkling of a call center job. i would have NEVER taken a $3/hour pay cut for a job where i'm on the phone all day every day talking to strangers about bills.

NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. oh fuck. what did i do. i just blew my life up for this. holy fuck. oh god. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.

and i tried to talk to the gal in HR, my hiring manager. and she told me i could quit on the spot and be "non-hirable" in the future or i could give my two weeks notice but since it was only my 4th day and i was still in training they would probably just let me go.

OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE.

i need this job. i just quit my jobs. 

but neither of my jobs had replaced me...i could go back...maybe...but i need health insurance..

i am FULL ON MELT DOWN. 

and one of the training gals sat with me in a conference room while i tried to get my shit together and figure out what the fuck i was going to do. i CAN'T i CAN'T talk to strangers all day on the phone. my anxiety...i couldn't there's no way. what the fuck am i going to do? and this gal was just...nice. no judgment. not one hint of anything catty or mean or annoyed or put out. just listened and was like-  oh yeah. i get it. man. yeah. that's a tough spot.

and then they found my new manager and he was like- no. that's not what you'll be doing. our department is just small with no specific corporate training so i just had them put you in the basic training. forget that. he brought in one of the other new hires in the department and she was so nice and kind and was able to explain what we do and was just kind and amazing. and it could have gone SO BAD. so bad. a full on SOBBING anxiety attack on my 4th day? other places i've worked? other experiences friends have had? there's no coming back from something like that. you're the problem FOREVER.if they even let you stay. and people whisper about you every time you walk past. and don't even think about a promotion ever. you're weak. emotional. unstable.

but here? it was a bad day. and i went back the next day and started in my new position.

and that's really what it came down to. I LIKE WHERE I WORK. my mental health is more important than financial stability right now. i'll work side hustle. i'll sell plasma. i'll drive grub hub. i'll cancel internet. i'll move into an apartment that shares a bathroom.

fuck. i might have to move into an apartment that shares a bathroom. i'm almost 40 ya'll. i like having my own bathroom.

but i'll do it. mental health is more important than money. and i LOVE where i work.

and. remember that interview appointment? the only one they had? it was at 3:50.

therapy was scheduled for friday.

from 3:00-4:00.

i was literally choosing between my mental health and financial stability.

that's a fucking clear as anyone can make a decision.

YOUR THERAPY. the thing you did all this for. your mental health. 

or

a job. money. the work you've done forever. but the work environment that has destroyed you.



and i LISTENED to myself.

see that? full circle moment.

i listened to myself: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING GIRL?? YOU HAVE BEEN PREACHING MENTAL HEALTH FROM THE RAFTERS. you go on and on about therapy. about protecting yourself. rebuilding. making better. getting healthy.

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN RISK THAT??

so.

i declined the interview.

i don't know what i'll do if i have to pay the full amount of child support. i don't know if i'll sign another year lease at my apartment. i don't know if more changes are coming. 

things are rough.

but they're good.

i'm on a good path. i can feel it. i trust it.

i'm going to listen.

i'm getting better.

i believe that. 

thankful

i'm pretty sure 2018 has been 900 years long.

Last week was thanksgiving. I was fortunate enough again this year to have one of the best people on earth open her home to me AND she was kind enough to break with the traditional thanksgiving feast to teach me a few recipes I’ve been waiting years to figure out (Harvard beets are still as good as I remember them!)

But, in keeping with tradition, I’ve taken the last week to really try to find what I’m thankful for this year. In an especially chaotic and painful year, it’s been a challenge, but here we go:

This year I am thankful for my health. I have been so, so, so incredibly blessed in the health arena. I’ve given birth twice and had my gallbladder removed in my life. That’s NOTHING. Especially as a single mother. I have been so endlessly fortunate that I’ve never been sidelined with an illness. I’ve never had my health affect my job, cause financial stress, cause long-term anxiety. Even my mental health- the last few months I’ve really been realizing how deep and widespread my anxiety has been my whole life, but I’ve still managed to function around it. YES, I’m realizing the major impact it’s had, but I’m still functioning. I am so, so, so incredibly thankful for my health. I haven’t taken the best care of myself. I loathe working out. My attempts at dieting and exercising have been short lived and never with any regularity. I’m pushing 40 and still hit way too many drive-thru restaurants to be considered anything even remotely close to smart dietary decisions. And yet here I am. Insurance has been off and on over the years with job changes, but it’s always been there when I did need it. I have friends facing major medical problems- heart issues, surgeries, torn muscles, broken bones, dental issues, circulation issues…I can’t even imagine what some of them are dealing with physically AND financially. So THANK YOU. THANK YOU UNIVERSE. Thank you for my health. Thank you for keeping me running all these years and able to keep up with my kids and work and life. I am thankful for my physical health and thankful that I’ve found a great therapist helping me sort out my mental health.

I’m thankful for friends. Not just friends, but FRIENDS. The ones you call at 10:30pm when you’ve just finished dealing with the police and you can’t think straight and you can’t tell the difference between tears and snot. The friends you can call or snapchat or text at literally any time of day and they’ve got you. They may not respond right away, because, you know, life, but you KNOW they’re not ignoring you. You know they’ll get back to you as soon as they can. There’s such a security in that. There’s such a safety in having people that you can say literally ANYTHING to and they’ll respond “…giiiiiiirl…” and you know they get you. You know they’ll talk you down from the ledge, even if it’s the 10^th time this month. You know they’ll help you brainstorm, research, sort through. I’ve struggled my entire life trying to be what I thought people wanted me to be. Being careful of what I say, trying not to let too much of my freak flag out. I struggled to be socially appropriate, not embarrass anyone, be “proper” and fit in. this last year I’ve started just…existing. I let myself be myself. I’ve allowed myself the space to speak my mind, say the things that probably shouldn’t be said. And you know what? Not only did my friends stick around, it deepened my bond with them and more often than not they responded SAME. All my fear, my whole life, of chasing people away by being myself? Turns out when you find the GOOD PEOPLE that’s not an issue. They love you and accept you. That’s a beautiful, beautiful thing. I’m so glad for my friends. I’m so glad I found my people. I LOVE MY PEOPLE. I am so thankful for them. I’m so thankful they accept me and have helped allow me to become ME.

I’m thankful to whatever force in the universe has protected me this year. Things at home have been…it’s been bad. Things right now are hard and ugly and heartbreaking. I’m living alone for the first time ever, years before it was the plan. My kids…I can’t go there right now. Things are hard. BUT, they could be so much worse. I’m alive. I’m safe. There’s been moments when neither of those were a guarantee. I can’t explain the pure, heart wrenching terror of finding hidden weapons in your home and wondering why they were hidden and what their intended purpose was. Finding a hatchet hidden in the kitchen, finding an 8” hunting knife, 3 bb guns, an airsoft pistol and countless pocketknives/switchblades/throwing stars. Why were they hidden around the house? Why didn’t I know they were in my home? What was the purpose for them? Where did they come from? There have been so many times I was scared for my safety even without knowing there were things hidden in my house. How much worse could it have been? How close was I to…to harm? Additionally, there have been so many threats, challenges, visits from the police. There have been investigations, questions, visits and phone calls. And I’m safe. All the 911 calls for help, all the threats at school to teachers and other students, all the confrontations with police officers. we have somehow avoided being on the evening news or on the local scanner listeners radar. I’ve seen so many stories come across the local news pages- 911 calls, suicide threats, students threatening other students, teenagers in confrontations with the police…and somehow none of them were from my house. I am so, endlessly grateful for whatever bubble of protection kept us from that spotlight. I’m so grateful that, for the majority, all my interactions with responding police officers have been calm, logical, positive. They’ve listened, kept their cool, helped out with all the resources they had available. I’m thankful for case managers, cps workers, counselors that helped find a safe path and resources. I’m thankful for the safety and the protection and the protected bubble that has kept the worst of the worst case scenarios at bay. I’m so endlessly thankful for whatever, wherever that protection came from.

I am thankful for my jobs. I have 2 great jobs with 2 great bosses and so many great coworkers. I haven’t been worried for a second letting my bosses know what’s been going on. They’ve graciously allowed me the space to make it to court, attend therapy, cry at my desk as needed. They’ve offered help in whatever way they could and made sure to let me know my job was never at risk. Having work, having a “normal” routine to keep me distracted/focused has been so immense. It has been my anchor. Whatever else has been happening, whatever news headlines, whatever personal headlines, work was there for me. I’m good at my job. i’m good at being able to compartmentalize and focus on getting things done. It’s been immeasurably helpful to have one steady constant. I know, Monday through Friday I have to get up and get out of bed. I have things that need done. Timesheets that need processed. Invoices that need paid. I make a difference where I work, at both places. I’m an important part of the team. I’m used and useful and my absence would be noted. That’s lovely. That’s…it’s the anchor I’ve needed.

It’s been a hard year. Fuck it. It’s been a hard 10 fucking years. There’s been pockets of goodness in there, but I just feel like life has been a slow burning dumpster fire since 2009. I’m ready for that to change. I’m working to make that change happen. My therapist homework assignment last week was to start planning for the future. REALLY planning for the future. Not just the “someday” bullshit that I’ve kept on a back burner. Actually planning and working toward specific things. Something I’ve never done. Since 7/1998 it’s been “raise my kids” without much thought beyond that. Now, suddenly, I’m beyond that and have no direction, no goals, no plan. So I’m working on it. And I’m thankful for the people guiding me through that process (my therapist is amazingly patient but firm and honest y’all).

I’m just. I’m thankful y’all. I know there’s so many things I could throw in here: music, books, movies, art, bartenders, beauty crew…all the little pieces and things that I appreciate. I’m thankful that I am able to plan finances and make adjustments as needed. I’m thankful that while I may not be able to COOK (I’m a box and can girl, not a from scratch girl) I’ve never gone hungry a day in my life. I’m thankful that I have a lovely apartment and managers that have been patient and kind. I’m thankful for SO MUCH.

It’s been a hard year. It’s been a sad year. It’s been a scary year. It’s been a heartbreaking year. But I’m still so thankful. I’m thankful for insight and awareness that allows me to process and experience.

I’m so thankful y’all for so much. I’m so thankful.