a non-descript, vague, generalized blog

ok kids. so i had this whole long three page update (and still not finished) all ready for you. i’ve been working on it all day through interruptions, a lunch break, losing my train of thought, not being able to track my ideas. i was getting really frustrated that i couldn’t finish it and get it up when suddenly i realized i was writing the WRONG posting.

whatchutalkinboutwillis?

see. someone here stopped at my desk and told me that they were talking about me and the boy and discussing it all and how they knew what was best for me.

now. if this were friends, concerned about my welfare, it would be uncomfortable but understandable. i know i’m in a tricky situation. i’m doing my best to work through it and learn from it and really put in some effort instead of just running away.

this was a coworker and someone i barely know in passing. discussing my personal life. and discussing it incorrectly. FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN TO HAVE SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT. it is my HUGE pet peeve to have people talking about me. talking about my relationships. it happened when i was married. EVERYONE else in the town knew what was going on…even before i did. i HATE HATE HATE the idea of people talking about me. especially when they’re getting the information wrong. and like i said- if they had my best interest at heart, it would be one thing. but to talk just to talk…i know. pot-kettle-black much? here i am on this blog throwing it all out there…but then when people talk about it i’m bothered.

i guess it’s the difference between information i’ve shared, and information people have decided to share for me.

confused much? sum it up by saying: i’m a freak. i can’t explain my exact freak factor or what triggers it, but you will KNOW when it’s been tripped.

and it’s been tripped.

so. here i am. i have so much i want to say. so much about what i have learned, what i am learning, how challenging and rewarding and frustrating and hurtful and healing this whole trip has been. but i can’t. i feel like my hands have been tied. i want to say it. i want to show you all how different i’m becoming. i’ve been growing and i want to show you. but i don’t want people talking about it. that is i don’t want RANDOM people talking about it. it's an invasion of my privacy. and it’s an invasion of HIS privacy throwing this all up there. when people talk about me and this whole thing they’re talking about him too. and it’s DIFFERENT. it’s more than all the douche from the past that i didn’t particularly care if it bothered them. it’s not fish guys that i've barely met (or never met) and will never see again. even if i pull the rip cord on this one i don’t want the whole process to be out there.

so. what now?

i guess…it’s almost like i’ve run out of words.

*mental shift*

i’ll talk about me for just a second…JUST ME.

here’s what i’ve learned- in vague, non-detailed, cloudy, generalized points. i don't like this feeling. ugh:

#1: i feel like i’ve been bit in the butt and reminded AGAIN why it’s an incredibly bad idea to be friends with coworkers. work is work. home is home. they shouldn’t cross. i need to learn to bite my tongue more so my butt gets a bit of a reprieve.

#2: i’m not perfect. my ideas of respect and relationships is warped. i have sharp edges that need softened, and i have hard edges that should never give. i’m learning about myself so i can tell the difference between the two and not get lost in the process.

#3: there has to be a balance to thing and i’m learning what my balance will need to be. last time i had a guy that didn’t give a flying fuck about me but we fit together and everything else worked. this time i have a guy that really cares about me but the fitting together and making everything work part is much harder. so. somewhere out there is a balance between the two and THAT is what i need to work on finding.

#4: an old cougar can learn new tricks. i’ve learned to TALK about things. i’ve learned to look at things from both sides of the coin. i’ve had my eyes opened to a while different parallel life. i’ve learned where my breaking points are. i’ve learned that some of the surface things i thought were so important can be outweighed by the true core of a person. i’ve learned that my way, while it works great for me, isn’t the ONLY way to get things done. i’ve learned to listen. i’ve learned to share. i’ve learned to trust.

#5: i’ve learned that old scars that i haven’t thought about in years can still flare up and hurt like the day you first got the wound and scars you were worried would hurt the most were the strongest in the batch.

#6: I. AM. STRONG. i’ve learned to speak my mind and my opinion in a +positive+ way. i can stand up for myself and say what is ok and what isn’t ok and STICK TO IT.

SO. that’s what i’ll stick to for now. this hurts kids. this really hurts. so much more i want to say. so many things i’m proud of and confused about and looking for help on…but i can’t let it out. so. there you go. i was able to finish this one without any interruptions. so…you know…i guess it’s what i was meant to share today.

thank you captain obvious

so. i'm trying to learn.

it's okay to feel things. without blaming something/having an excuse.
it's okay to be sad and cry without saying it's pms.
it's okay to be upset about things and explore why instead of just trying to make it go away.
it's okay to be depressed and hurt and sad and heartbroken without creating a joke to cover it up.

crying doesn't mean i'm weak or being a drama queen or overly emotional. it means i'm a person. and i'm allowing myself to BE a person.

today was a hard day for no reason in particular. and part of the way through the day i just wanted to have a good cry but i kept talking myself out of it and blaming pms and telling myself to knock it off. then i finally stopped and asked myself why it's so wrong to just cry it out sometimes. why is it so bad to allow myself that moment? and just ALLOW it. don't try to make an excuse. don't try to make a joke. don't try to rush it along. just allow it. just be there. in that moment. let my heart and my mind go through that. let my spirit purge and heal.

and so i did. i let myself have that moment. i put in my mp3 ear buds and bawled my way through taking off my make up and washing my face and brushing my teeth. i'm letting myself feel it while i'm writing this. i'm not making an excuse. i'm just feeling.

it's odd for me. and it's scary. and i honestly don't like it. it seems like once you get started ALL of it wants to come out at once which is feeling like a LOT too much for one night. it's been hard typing this because i keep wanting to joke or be bitchy or cover up my exposed part. i think the hardest part is makes me feel the gap of not having someone to share all this with. which is getting harder every day. maybe it's because its spring time and everyone around me is coupling off. maybe it's because my youngest spawn will be 7 on friday which means it's been over 6 years since i was part of a "we" (as short lived as even that was). i just know that as much as i've said it before, it feels so much more this time around. maybe it's simply because i'm actually learning to let myself feel.