part b

so, that last post i've been sitting on since october. i didn't want to hit the "publish" button. there's so much that goes on in my head about how other people are going to read it. what they're going to say. the criticism. the ways it will get twisted and used against me.

it's terrifying to be honest. it's terrifying to say the ugly stuff. i've seen what happens. i know how people attack. i've been attacked. i know exactly what it's like to have my own words twisted and warped and used against me.

well hell, probably any person that's helped raise a teenager knows what that's like.


but if you don't say it, then someone else out there who feels the same way doesn't have something to look at and know they're not alone.

and fuck if that isn't everything.

if someone else knows they're not alone.

if something i say touches someone.

a very good friend left a comment like that for me a few weeks ago: how my writing has helped her look at some things in life a little differently.

i can't even say how much that means to me.

a few days later another dear friend bequeathed me her favorite pencil to encourage me to write more.

she is an amazingly skilled artist and creator and she's encouraging me to create more.

that's, just, fuck man. i'd be an asshole not to.

for new years this year i did a meditation ceremony. i sat in the middle of my gorgeous little living room with sage, salt, fire, water, air. i sat and cleared my mind and asked. i don't know who i asked. i don't know what i believe in right now. but i asked. the universe? some version of a greater being? myself? all the above?

i asked what my intention is for 2020. what is my focus. what do i need to learn? where is my path leading me?

i was given the word LISTEN.

i need to listen to people more. people who love me and support me. people who compliment me. friends who tell me they love when i write. friends that encourage me to create. friends that encourage me to be myself. friends that tell me...anything. i have brilliant friends. they are thoughtful, intentional, rational, logical, empathetic, educated by life, educated by experience, educated by books. they are bold and creative and goal driven. i have these AMAZING friends i trust. i respect. so why wouldn't i listen to them?

i need to listen to myself. trust my gut. i have strong instincts. i know things. i'm smart. i'm careful. i'm logical. i make list and check lists and i think through EVERYTHING. i need to learn to listen to myself and trust myself.

listen to people when they tell you who they are. people tell you who they are but you want to make excuses for them. you want to make reasons for them. explain things for them. but listen when they tell you who they are. don't ignore it because what they say doesn't fit what you want them to be or because you have a different idea of what you think they should be.

i had never sat and focused my energy like that before. i've made resolutions. eat less. work out more. be more organized. REALLY use a daily planner this year. but i've never sat and focused my enegy. cleared my mind, just sat and welcomed the new year and asked what it has in store for me.

so. listen.

what means trusting myself when i believe that what i have to say matters. listening to my friends and writing more. listening to my therapist and being more open and honest and real and exposed and all the terrifying things. not comparing my self to others. not worrying about what other people think all the time.

fuck. listening is fucking hard. because if you really listen you HEAR things. really hear them. and if you ignore them after that, well, then you're just an asshole (its me, hi) and don't get to bitch about shit anymore.

so, following up on the last post:

i LOVE my new job ya'll.

i have health insurance again and BACK. IN. THERAPY. that's right i'll fucking yell it. therapy is fucking amazing. i will bang that drum LOUD. AND. PROUD.

THERAPY. IS. AMAZING.

things aren't perfect.

the suicidal thoughts have tapered off. i've progressed from being "meh" about staying alive to thinking it would kinda be a bummer if i weren't. not thinking about dying, but not particularly excited about living. 

it's better though. i'll take it and i'll keep working at it.

i have some really tough decisions to figure out in a hurry up and wait fashion. i'm being sued for child support. the hearing was on the 29th with results to follow in 21 days. that determination will alter my budget again by a significant amount. i'm still adjusting to the pay cut of the new job. my apartment lease is up at the end of february and rent is going up. i have to decide to either sign another year lease and risk not being able to afford it depending on the child support results which i won't know for a few more weeks. and if i can't afford to stay here then i have to find some place cheaper to live, extremely fast, which, spolier alert, doesn't exist in spokane. so that means risking being roommates with one of my closest friends. roommates hasn't ever gone well for me before. 

last week one of the temp agencies i used to work with while job hunting called me on wednesday, mid morning. they had an interview for me. a job that would be $3/hour more than my new job, full time permanent, with medical fully covered by the company. it would be enough money to cover the highest amount of child support. it would be FULLY. COVERED. medical. the only interview available was at 3:50 on friday. they needed to know by 4:00 that afternoon.

i scheduled the interview.

how could i not?

then i came home and sat with it for about 6 hours. and by sat with it i mean researched the fuck out of the company, the executive board. snap chatted and slacked and texted friends discussing it. raged and cried and argued and went back and forth a million times.

the company was a family owned mid-sized industrial office administrator position. switch back to office work in the industrial field. what i've been doing for 21 years. what i know. what i'm good at. what i've always. done.

but i've done mid-sized industrial family owned businesses. that has not worked out well for me in the past. my last two jobs really took a tole on my mental health. 

and i've done administrative work. i LOATHE doing taxes. ive felt for a few years that it was time to make a change and try something new. it honestly didn't occur to me until after a few weeks at my new job that i have CHANGED. CAREERS. i'm not a secretary any more. i'm not in charge of ALL the things. we have DEPARTMENTS. i can ask other people for help. other people that know their part better. and i can know my part better. and we can work together. AND IT'S AMAZING. 

and i LOVE my office. i love my team. i have a manager that comes around every morning and asks if we need any help. is there anything he can do. is there a job/client/project we're stuck on. we all work together. we ask each other questions. we share the work. we encourage each other. my department hit our goals and so the manager took us on a work field trip to an arcade with pizza for lunch. 

i love the culture and work environment. people wear whatever they want, any color of hair or piercing or (hey, hi, it's me) tattoos. people are allowed to be WHO THEY ARE. full stop. they find ways to help make you successful.

true story: during my first week, my training week, my fourth day on the job, i had a full on melt down anxiety attack. they told us we were "going live" with calls.

I'M SORRY.

WHAT NOW?

i wasn't 100% clear about my job when i was hired, but i DID NOT, i in no way shape or form had any inkling of a call center job. i would have NEVER taken a $3/hour pay cut for a job where i'm on the phone all day every day talking to strangers about bills.

NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. oh fuck. what did i do. i just blew my life up for this. holy fuck. oh god. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.

and i tried to talk to the gal in HR, my hiring manager. and she told me i could quit on the spot and be "non-hirable" in the future or i could give my two weeks notice but since it was only my 4th day and i was still in training they would probably just let me go.

OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE.

i need this job. i just quit my jobs. 

but neither of my jobs had replaced me...i could go back...maybe...but i need health insurance..

i am FULL ON MELT DOWN. 

and one of the training gals sat with me in a conference room while i tried to get my shit together and figure out what the fuck i was going to do. i CAN'T i CAN'T talk to strangers all day on the phone. my anxiety...i couldn't there's no way. what the fuck am i going to do? and this gal was just...nice. no judgment. not one hint of anything catty or mean or annoyed or put out. just listened and was like-  oh yeah. i get it. man. yeah. that's a tough spot.

and then they found my new manager and he was like- no. that's not what you'll be doing. our department is just small with no specific corporate training so i just had them put you in the basic training. forget that. he brought in one of the other new hires in the department and she was so nice and kind and was able to explain what we do and was just kind and amazing. and it could have gone SO BAD. so bad. a full on SOBBING anxiety attack on my 4th day? other places i've worked? other experiences friends have had? there's no coming back from something like that. you're the problem FOREVER.if they even let you stay. and people whisper about you every time you walk past. and don't even think about a promotion ever. you're weak. emotional. unstable.

but here? it was a bad day. and i went back the next day and started in my new position.

and that's really what it came down to. I LIKE WHERE I WORK. my mental health is more important than financial stability right now. i'll work side hustle. i'll sell plasma. i'll drive grub hub. i'll cancel internet. i'll move into an apartment that shares a bathroom.

fuck. i might have to move into an apartment that shares a bathroom. i'm almost 40 ya'll. i like having my own bathroom.

but i'll do it. mental health is more important than money. and i LOVE where i work.

and. remember that interview appointment? the only one they had? it was at 3:50.

therapy was scheduled for friday.

from 3:00-4:00.

i was literally choosing between my mental health and financial stability.

that's a fucking clear as anyone can make a decision.

YOUR THERAPY. the thing you did all this for. your mental health. 

or

a job. money. the work you've done forever. but the work environment that has destroyed you.



and i LISTENED to myself.

see that? full circle moment.

i listened to myself: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING GIRL?? YOU HAVE BEEN PREACHING MENTAL HEALTH FROM THE RAFTERS. you go on and on about therapy. about protecting yourself. rebuilding. making better. getting healthy.

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN RISK THAT??

so.

i declined the interview.

i don't know what i'll do if i have to pay the full amount of child support. i don't know if i'll sign another year lease at my apartment. i don't know if more changes are coming. 

things are rough.

but they're good.

i'm on a good path. i can feel it. i trust it.

i'm going to listen.

i'm getting better.

i believe that. 

whisky wednesdays

i've made myself a deal: whisky wednesdays require writing.

the hardest part for writing, for me, is when there isn't anything in particular scratching to get out.

all the writing advice things and stuff say to just WRITE. to focus. no purpose. just WRITE. get words on a page.

that's all well and good unless you're a crazy person who needs a purpose. you need to be saying SOMETHING. you can't just blather on.

and you REALLY can't post something that's just random blathering. why would i subject anyone to that?

and i know, most of the time it probably seems like that's exactly what i'm doing anyway. just rattling on and on and on like i did when i was a kid and they called me motor-mouth.

shocking revelation, i know.

i was a motor mouth.

but writing...it's different. i feel like i need to have a purpose.

maybe it's like meditation, if you just let all the thoughts wander on by without focusing on any one in particular then you'll be better equipped and have more brain space to handle a big thought when it comes. if it's really that simple i'm going to be SO MAD at myself.

i'm not great at meditating yet. i keep trying. but my brain just doesn't like quiet. i noticed that last week- i don't do quiet well. suuuuuuper great thing to discover just as you're living alone for the first time.

quiet is scary. if there's nothing OUTSIDE to listen to that means you have to listen to INSIDE and inside is where all the dark and scary and hard things are. like feelings. and really, who wants to deal with feelings?

but i'm working on it. fuck. i'm working on everything it seems like lately. there isn't one area that i'm handling well.  everything is an "i'm working on it" which is so. fucking. incredibly. exhausting. can you blame me for shelving the quiet thing as much as possible?

but i am working on it. one day last week was a complete tv free day. music only. it made a big difference. i'm slowly working my way towards maybe an evening of just silence. that seems daunting. i mean, for fucks sake, i even use sleep sounds at night. complete silence? fuuuuuck. what is this? a whoppie goldberg movie? i would make a terrible nun. mostly the silence. but some of the other stuff too.

i did a card reading with one of my best people the other day. long story short, there's massive changes ahead (shocker) and those changes require meditation and a not insignificant amount of thought and listening. because when the universe is trying to get my attention it REALLY tries to get my attention.

not like i'm stubborn or anything.

so. here we go. whisky wednesday writings. my form of meditation. and listening.

or something like that. 

what's thursday without a little crazy?

i . am. annoyed.

no, that’s not quite right. i’m flat out fucking pissed off.

this whole breaking up thing…i thought once you did it you were DONE with it. turns out: not so much.

jaysus fucking chryst on toast. i mean REALLY? do i have to keep arguing and battling even after i pulled the plug?

saturday was the break up talk. sunday he decided he needed to stop by my house (DRUNK) to drop off the portable dvd cord that he had for some unknown reason (i can’t break up with him becky, like, all my cd’s are in his truck…dane cook anyone?).

so. sunday. thought he got the point. DONE. over. out. moving on.

last night i got a text asking how the kids and i were and if he could stop by because he found a receipt and he didn’t know what it was for.

-sigh-

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? a receipt? and you can’t read it? are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?

whatever. i found a few more of his things in my room that needed returned anyway, so might as well get it over with.

so. after 8 (when little spawn goes to bed) he texts me to TELL me he’s on his way over. not to ask, not to see if it’s ok. to TELL me he’s on his way. FUCKING FUCK. THIS IS MY FUCKING HOUSE, MY RULES. YOU FUCKING CHECK FIRST.

so he comes over. and i let him into the kitchen and hand him his stuff. and he’s all…you didn’t hug me. and i’m all…didn’t know i was supposed to.

oh…can we talk for a minute? you know…as friends?

-sigh-

where’s my inner bitch when i need her?

FINE. a few minutes.

and then i hear about all the big changes he’s making in his life and how much has changed and how much he’s improved and pulled things together. he has an offer for more work hours, he’s working out, bought a bike and rides every day, bought a dog…on and on. ummm…it’s been THREE FUCKING DAYS since i last saw him. and he was smashing drunk then. so…you know…when did all these fucking amazing changes happen exactly? and this is supposed to make me come rushing back to him? let’s see…where does that one fall…i think that falls into the FUCK NO category.

and he wants to hear about what i’m doing and what changes i’m making and where i’m going in life. umm…again…THREE FUCKING DAYS. work and kids. and grocery shopping. that’s all that’s happened. so. quit fucking pushing me and expecting all the same shit that i ended things over. i’m not going to fucking magically heal over night. i’m not going to suddenly just be better. there’s no fucking magic switch to flip and have life be right again. and i’m just pissed off and tired of the bullshit and the expectations and crap. then he wants to talk in private in the kitchen (oldest spawn was still up and in the living room).

umm…what big private thing do we need to talk about? insert here the whole drama of how we’re not really broken up. all couples have arguments and just need a little cooling off time.

THIS ISN’T FUCKING COOLING OFF TIME. it’s over. done. STICK A GOD DAMN FORK IN IT. but i just need to keep him around, in a back corner, just a little space, he can stay at his house and we’ll just text. he’ll just stay quiet. he’ll just…

WHAT DON’T YOU FUCKING GET? no. i will not keep you in a back corner or in a little space. this isn’t some fucking waiting game. this isn’t some little bump. THIS IS ME BEING DONE. you know that whole thing when i called it quits about you not listening to me? THIS IS WHAT I MEANT. i’m fucking DONE. i’m tired of arguing, discussing, having to defend my every decision.

and around and around it went. i finally just told him to leave. which turned into a 5 minute process of him saying goodbye and reminding me he’ll still be there and he still loves me and JUST FUCKING LEAVE ALREADY. and he finally gets out the door, i take a deep breath, and *knock knock* oh…by the way, here’s the receipt….it’s for the fucking lamp that YOU BOUGHT. it says right on it. LAMP. from the store he bought it at. are you fucking kidding me? this was the whole point of coming over? GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE. so he leaves. deep breath *knock knock* just wanted to tell me he loves me. GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. at which point i closed and locked the door in his face.

WHAT PART OF _OVER_ IS SO FUCKING HARD TO UNDERSTAND.

then the texts start:

“do u know u gave me a hope to keep going in my life because my life is u? i love you.”

“and i will waiting u until last day in my live.”

“and i bromise u i will naver cheating u until u come back to me. and i will naver looking to any gairil. i love you.”

and still today:

“do u think today its butafull…i think every day it will be like that when u smail. i love you”

(spellings left the way they came in because i’m a cold hearted bitch)

and i know…awwww…he loves me and he’s willing to wait for me and he’s so dedicated. NO. he fucking refuses to listen to what i want/need and thinks he knows better. IT’S FUCKING OVER. i’m done. i’m out. i’m not going back. i can’t keep doing the arguing and the defending every single thing i feel and say. i can’t keep feeling bad for FEELING. i can’t keep sitting under the pressure and expectation to just be better. i can’t keep doing this whole circle. i want to rip my fucking hair out thinking about it. instant migraine thinking of the around and around arguments. sheer stress thinking of the pressure to be better for someone else and feeling bad for falling apart different days and for taking my own sweet damn time to go through this whole process. just even typing about it is lighting me up…just want to punch a raccoon (they already have black eyes, you’ll never be able to tell).

JUST FUCKING LISTEN TO ME:

OVER. no more. done. don’t stop by with some lame excuse. don’t call. don’t text. don’t keep trying to pressure or guilt me into something i don’t want and isn’t healthy for me. BACK. THE. FUCK. OFF. i feel like i’m being backed into a fucking corner and it isn’t going to be pretty when i have to fight my way out.

so. that’s the vent for today. back to your regularly scheduled thursday now…