confessions of a fat girl

not-so-breaking news:

I AM A FAT GIRL.

now. i know that's an ugly word- that FAT word. it carries so many social and self esteem implications in it. it's mean and degrading and hurtful and really just a not nice word.

and i don't use it lightly.

but i am. i'm a FAT girl.

i'm not made to be small. i know this. my frame, my family, my everything does not lend me to being the type of girl anyone ever describes as "willowy" or "flowingly slender" or any of those other teen drama book descriptions of apparently every heroine that ever existed.

i know i'll never be the size i was in high school ever again. hell, i don't ever remember actually BEING the size i was in high school but apparently at some point in life i had a 28" waist and could wear a size 2 dress (there's pictures to prove it.). i don't ever WANT to be the size i was in high school. it wouldn't be healthy for me to be 145 pounds again. i would look like skeletor (but with better hair).

BUT.

i'm tired of being a fat girl.

and here's why i'm using the word FAT:

i eat like CRAP- taco bell, mcdonalds, pizza, endless nights out at restaurants around town. i don't shy away from cheesecake...like...EVER. i LOVE pretty much all foods- especially those of the carb variety (can someone explain how BREAD, a carb, became the standard side to PASTA, also a carb? both of which are on my favorite things list).

i also happen to HATE exercising. well, not hate so much as i'm not good at exercising. i do love yoga. i love the wii fit (when it's not calling me obese). but i'm not good at going to a gym or biking or walking. i know. simplest thing ever- going for a walk. but WHERE do you go. and it's boring to go alone. and walking/running trails are where all the dead bodies get dumped. i get bored with videos easily. i have a million ideas pinned to my pinterest exercise board, but i need a better way to look at them or remember more than one of them at a time.

yes. i realize these are all lame, easily solved excuses. end of the day i just avoid working out. it's easier to sit and read a book or watch a movie.

i would say the rest of my life is SO HARD, i deserve one easy thing! but that's a stupid answer too. it should be that i'm used to hard, so just suck it up and do it anyway.

so yes. i'm FAT. as in i'm not healthy by any of the measurements (physical, exercise, diet, etc). i'm not taking care of myself at all. i'm pretty much pure fat by BMI index measurements as well- i'm sure there SOME muscle hiding in there, but i'll be damned if i know where it is. my clothes are too tight, my bra size is jumping by the week, every part of me jiggles, i'm just not what i want to be.

SO.

i don't want to be a FAT girl anymore.

i want to be HEALTHY. this does not mean skinny. this does not mean a certain number on the scale or on the clothing rack.

IT DOES MEAN: cooking good meals AT HOME. it does mean going for walks or doing yoga or the wii fit. it does mean not being out of breath if i have to walk up three flights of stairs. it does mean setting a good example for the small spawn (who is a solid build as well). it does mean being more comfortable in my clothes. it does mean being more body confident and not feeling like i need to find ways to hide the things i don't like about myself. it does mean still eating the foods i love, drinking wine, having cheesecake but WITHIN REASON.

i will always be a BIG girl. but i'm tired of being a FAT girl.

so. i'm working on it.

i've started making sure i have healthy snacks at work and that i'm actually eating breakfast. i've almost completely cut out soda and am working at drinking more water. the wii has been reconnected downstairs, and as soon as new batteries are procured i'll be getting off my ass and using it in the evenings. the weather is getting nicer and it's staying late longer, so there's no reason the spawn and dog and i can't go out for an after work jaunt. i don't expect this to be some magical overnight change. it will be a process, starting new habits (and sticking to them for 28 days until they become a a natural choice instead of a habit).

i'm honestly not setting any goals or timelines or anything because this will be a LIFESTYLE, not a 3 week kick.

i still want to have boobs and a butt and be able to go out with friends without being the girl that orders a leaf of lettuce and a glass of water. i want to fill out my dresses in different places but still fill them out. i want to be sexy and soft and confident.

so. there you have it.

i'm a fat girl. working on being better. bit by wobbly bit.

did she _REALLY_ just say that?

i apologize in advance.

so. there are things that even _I_ am embarrassed to talk about. shocking, i know. but when has that ever stopped me before? so. hang on kids. this one is FUCKED UP.

i'm working on losing weight. and shockingly, i'm doing pretty damn well. totally just jinxed myself there. BUT, i've done 21 days straight of working out which is a LIFETIME record for me. it completely smashes my previous 3 day record (so wish i was kidding). BUT. i'm a little worried about losing weight. i mean, there are things a girl has to consider when taking on an endeavor like this. so here are the things i'm worried about:

#1: losing boobage. i mean...they're technically fat, right? what happens if i get all skinny and they go away? T.R.A.G.I.C. seriously. I LIKE THEM. i want them to stick around! i've heard several girls complain about losing size when they lost weight. and granted, mine have never *ahem* increased with weight gain...they've stayed the same size all these years, so i THINK i'm safe...but seriously...how tragic would that be?

#2: rape. oh yeah. i've thought about it. i mean how many times have you ever seen on the news where a fat girl was raped? sure they're slower/easier to chase down, but SO MUCH HARDER to hold down and keep still. plus, fat girls usually carry a big purse (it's hard to carry around a ham sandwich in a small clutch!) and we all know a purse it the first weapon of self defense. plus, 90% of the male population are attracted to skinnier girls...so...you know...that raises the risk. BUT, skinnier girls are usually in better shape and can either a) run away, or b)kick ass...and i'll be able to do both...so...you know, maybe i shouldn't worry about this. if it DOES happen though, should i be scared, or flattered? SO MANY THINGS TO CONSIDER.

#3: buying new clothes: IT'S DAMN EXPENSIVE TO BE HEALTHY! i mean first there's all the healthy foods that cost a crap ton of money. then you have to replace your wardrobe too?!?! i mean COME ON PEOPLE. my jeans are already getting baggy...I JUST BOUGHT THESE! and i really like them! well, did. now they make my ass look all whatever like i'm wearing a three day old diaper. SO DEPRESSING. i mean...SUCK. seriously. i can't afford to be skinny! damn gina! maybe if there was some sort of government incentive...you know...a dollar for every day i work out and a dollar for every pound i lose. that would be GREAT. totally just solved the nation's health crisis. i mean they're throwing money at everything else...throw in a few for me too!

so. yeah. i'm worried! also, what if it turns out my fat storage cells were also my sarcastic wit storage cells too? and they all dry up and go away? life. would. end. how many fat comedians were funny after they got skinny? well, i don't know any comedians really, so i can't answer that. BUT IT'S SCARY!