left of center

something is off. do you know that feeling? where you feel like things just aren't right, but you can't pinpoint WHAT it is to fix it?

i was doing really well for a while. daily vitamins. cooking at home. reading, writing. keeping up on the house. doing daily thankfulness/gratitude exercises.

then the power went out in a big storm. i feel like it hit my personal surge protector and things are just off kilter now.

i started dreaming again. 2 or three very vivid dreams every night. i haven't had a memorable dream in a LONG time. now i can barely sleep because they wake me up and as soon as i go back to sleep a new one starts.

i'm restless and stir crazy with no direction or grounding point. i'm just. off.

maybe it's the stress of everything with the oldest kiddo. i am so angry and frustrated and worried and gut sick and scared and worst of all, completely in the dark. information comes in at a trickle, i have no idea what is happening, i have no input on anything going on. i'm still banished to terrible mom punishment island and there's only coconut phones here.

i can't focus on anything at work. projects at home have come to a standstill again. i'm reclusive, withdrawn, hard core hermit mode.

i'm sure meditation would help but i just can't get there. i can sit on the couch and stare at netflix for a solid 12 hours (happy thanksgiving) but i can't sit up straight and meditate.

winter is always a hard time for me. i don't do well in the dark and cold. i'm do not have a ski bunny constitution. i'm more of a heated blanket, fireplace, book and booze constitution.

i'm still trying. i bought some adult coloring books to zone out on and managed to get a few chores done this weekend. i met up with an old friend last night for drinks and managed to work up the nerve to ask a guy out. i cooked dinner two nights in a row and even remembered the left overs for work.

tomorrow is court day for the angry teenager. they decide how/what they're going to charge him with (if anything). i don't know what to think of it. i have no idea what to expect, whichever way the chips falls. i don't know if it will be a stress relief or a start of a whole new tangle of string to unravel.

but for now i feel like a bad mash up of mary poppins and forrest gump. the winds are changing and i'm this damn feather wandering around caught in the cross currents and half of me wants to believe positive change is coming and part of me thinks que sera sera, and half of me is craving chocolates now and half of me still thinks peas and carrots is one of the worst frozen vegetable medley's of all time.

maybe i just need to bulk order cocktail parasols for my hot chocolate and pretend i'm on a tropical beach.

bad mommy moment:

i will start by saying this: EVERYTHING to follow is completely, 100% narcissistic and missing the big picture. i get it. i know it's not ALL about me. i do. really.

that said:

i feel like the biggest mommy failure but i'm very proud at the same same, but very ashamed, and very embarrassed, and a whole other mix of things. ~sigh~ basically it's a typical friday.

so. i had a call from youngest spawns school this week. his reading recovery teacher called to let me know that he's been selected for a special "reading behind the glass" demonstration (don't even get me started on what that sounds like...a 1st grade reading program is NOT on the list anywhere). out of all her reading recovery student, she selected my son to do a special reading demonstration to all the other reading recovery teachers, a few different principals, and whomever else would like to attend.

SUPER COOL! he was selected out of all the kids in his school in the reading recovery program because he's making the most progress, doing the best, working the hardest! HOORAY! and you can really tell...he reads out loud at home now at night for part of his homework and he's REALLY TRYING. and he's doing so much better. it's very exciting. it really is.

so. what's the bad mommy moment? i'm mad that my son is in reading recovery. and i'm sure that makes NO SENSE AT ALL. but see, here's the thing: i have a bachelors degree in literature. LITERATURE. READING. BOOKS. i've been reading since before i can remember. i wrote my first "book" when i was around 5 years old (illustrated and everything...and stapled backwards because i'm left handed and it totally made more sense that way). so...if i'm such a book freak, WHY IS MY SON IN READING RECOVERY? why has someone else had to teach him? the ony way i can even try to explain it is like this: imagine john nash trying to teach 1st graders math. and granted, i'm not the john nash of literature, but when i'm trying to teach something or explain it i feel like i am. i get SO FRUSTRATED that he doesn't just get it. that he doesn't just pick up a book and read. it TOTALLY doesn't help that the old spawn did that. never had a problem. just picked up a book and BAM. done. so. along comes spawn number two, and not only does he have trouble reading, he still has a very hard time with different parts of speech (think wiff instead of with) which makes listening to him read out loud SO HARD for me.  i want to focus on getting the word RIGHT instead of focusing on the fact that HE GOT THE WORD. and usually it ends up with one or both of us in tears due to sheer frustration. and i feel like such a failure. how can i not pass on the thing i love the most to my own kids?

and i know that's why there ARE reading recovery teachers. they have that gift of patience and ability to work through the frustration and help where i can't. i KNOW that. i'm GLAD those people are there. i'm SO EXCITED that my son IS DOING GREAT now because of one of those people. i just...grrrr...i feel like such a failure because i'm not that person.