what's in a name?

in an effort to actually hit the publish button more often, i'm just going to start truly vomiting again on here- all the random crap that pops into my brain during the day, the strange ideas (most of them BRILLIANT by the way), the random stories- ALL of it.

i'm learning to let go of the length of the post- they don't all need to be a three part docudrama. 

SO.

here we go.

i have this weird thing about names- there's certain ones i just HATE (anything that ends in an i just really needs to stop existing).

there's some i simply avoid, mainly in the dating arena- ben and steven (brothers), gary (dad).

there's certain names that just instantly make me want to vomit and punch a kitten at the same time (mike in particular).

then there's those that trigger this fucked up response in my head that...well...it's me. that's all you need to know.

for example- i can't hear the name george without saying jjjorjjje the way eva gabor did in the aristocats.

georges hautcourt, lawyer,  the aristocats, disney 1970

whenever i hear the name frank i think of the rescuers down under...

frank the frill-necked lizard, rescuers down under, disney, 1990

any time my kids yell for me across the house all i hear is MA! THE MEATLOAF!

will farrell as chazz reinhold, wedding crashers, 2005

it's been interesting at work answering the phones more and talking to all sorts of people, all different names. some times i just shake my head, other times i wish i had a time machine to go back and slap some parents. i'm sure anyone listening to me write messages thinks i'm partially crazy. mostly from the things i say while writing the names on the message board, partially just from the fact that if it isn't written straight i'll erase the whole thing and start all over.

on another name tangent- over the years i've picked up naming random inanimate objects. i've named my house, flamingos, cars, octopus hanging from my rear view mirror (bruce has now outlasted 3 cars. go bruce).

and finally, perhaps the strangest name habit- i like to assign people random middle names. really don't care what your ACTUAL middle name is, i'll give you different ones on different days. had a friend years ago that corrected me every time, and every time i called him a different middle name. not sure what it is- up until the days of twitter i NEVER used my own middle name. now there's a whole group of people that only know me as sherryrose.

some days i think it would be fun to work in an animal shelter or an orphanage to get to pick out names for all the critters and crib midgets- see if i can find something that particularly fits them. then i remember that there's the actual taking care of something after you name it and i'm tired and need a nap and realize maybe it's better to just name random things around my house.

back in the day, will shakespeare oh so romantically wrote: "what's in a name? that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." suggesting that the name doesn't have meaning, it's the person (object) behind it that is important. but i'm calling BULLSHIT. hey will...NAMES ARE IMPORTANT ASSHOLE. do you really think bartholomew shakespeare would have done so well? what about all the actors and actresses that change their names to be more catchy? NAMES ARE IMPORTANT. seriously.

imagine cinderella (or the little cinder girl for the purists) as beatrice the housekeeper. not quite the same disney ring to it now is there?

that's right. i'm calling shakespeare out. HEY WILL. YOU, ME, LOCAL STARBUCKS. IT'S ON.

not sure what the "it" is. sure as hell wouldn't want to challenge him to a writing contest. bastard was brilliant even with the occasional fuck up.

anyway- names are important. so. i'll keep naming things. and avoiding things with names i don't like that i can't rename.

renew you

i spent a whole weekend cleaning, rearranging, painting, working on my office so i would have a space to write, yet here i am snuggled up in bed tap tap tapping away on my laptop like the crazy nuthouse i am.

at least the office looks nice.

it seems lately as if there's a LOT going on but nothing at the same time- perception is 9/10ths of the law, right? pretty sure that's right.

it seems like there's days of nothing at all followed by days like today where it's 2am and i'm just finally calling it quits on my "things to do" list. that time management thing? GOT. IT. DOWN.

more like the insomnia thing- fucking olympic professional at that shiz.

fuck. i've written and deleted four paragraphs about all different things. seems like i can't quite decide which train of thought wants to leave the station first.

we'll start here: i was invited by a friend to a "renew you" weekly class (for lack of a better word) that he's providing to work on self improvement for 2013. since that's one of the things on top of my list for the year- PERFECT TIMING. i'll do it!

here's the thing- i'm chicken shit when it comes to working on myself.

well, not really. i'm pretty damn good at recognizing my own patterns, what i'm doing, why i'm doing it, whatever cause/source is behind it. the thing i'm SHITTY at is making a change. having all the knowledge is shit if you don't actually use it.

here's what i wasn't expecting: the first "assignment" for renew you is this:

"In order to transform our lives, we first must acknowledge and bear witness to the pain that
is behind our desire to change. The questions below are designed to guide you through the
process of acknowledging the area of discomfort, concern, or pain that is most important to you
at this time."

My first thought: well, i don't really have a desire to change, there's nothing really causing pain or discomfort that i can think of...

*blink blink*

umm...do i even read my own blogs?

*sigh*

the TRUTH IS: there's plenty of things causing pain, BUT if i don't poke them, they don't hurt. right? and if i can just keep playing by those rules things are hunky dory.

i mean- how much do i really want to dig up? how many problems do i actually want to deal with? that sounds like a LOT of work. i'm TOTALLY fine the way i am...right?

crap on a cracker.

then you get into the questions for this- what is wrong? how do you talk to friends about it? how certain are you that this is the problem? what has this problem cost you? if the problem were magically solved overnight, how would life change?

and THEN we throw in the mix: what KIND of problems am i supposed to be focusing on/fixing?

i mean, i have PLENTY but need a direction first!

do we start with my self loathing? my insecurities and self value? do we jump straight for the big guns and my inability to have a healthy relationship because i don't believe anyone can actually tolerate me long enough to put in the reciprocal effort? maybe the issues stemming from the fucked up relationship with my mother? the fact that i still haven't properly dealt with the death of my brother and my father?

or are we talking about issues like: don't do laundry every weekend like i should or have a bad habit of avoiding issues that i don't want to deal with (oh the irony...perhaps that's the place to start).

i got 99 issues and picking the first one to start working on just became one.

shitballs.

do i get points for at least knowing what my issues are even if i don't want to deal with them?


looks like that train left the station just fine.what's the next one?

new years goals update: i've been working on it!
had my first dinner party sunday night- LEARNING CURVE. things that need work: learning how to invite people. i invited just enough people or so i thought. only having limited space/dishes i kept the list small but varied, sent out invites and...forgot to follow up. awesome. it ended up that almost everyone didn't make it, BUT it was still fun with the two that did! and they were lucky enough to be sent home with TONS of left overs. SO: next month- invites, calls, messages, follow up, check in, GET PEOPLE HERE. also need to work on a way to let people know that while i wish i had a mary poppins house, i can't get every one in all at once and i don't want to be repeating the same people every month. i want to get to all the people that i've been saying "we need to get together" to for MONTHS (my poor aunt probably thinks i've forgotten about her...and my old co-workers). i don't want to offend people by leaving some out, but basic numbers say that it will happen. hmmm...should have taken those "mrs." classes in college. "proper table settings" and "how to invite your husbands boss to dinner" would be handy.

cooking at home: been doing that! see the above smashing success dinner party (at least in the food category. take the wins where you can.) maybe not the HEALTHIEST foods...after all, potato soup made with whipping cream can't exactly be #1 on the weight watchers list, but it's still better than processed fast food all the time...right? at least a smidge better i hope...

working out...ha ha ha ha ha. i'll get there eventually. i AM taking better care of myself though, so that's a start. daily vitamins, eating breakfast, lunch (sometimes), and dinners. i'm working on the getting up earlier every day (tomorrow doesn't count) and being all ooo...breakfast, proper getting ready, off to work like a grown up thing.

postings- well, there was one last week, and one this week...not prolific, but steady at least.

home: we did clean out the office, my room and the spawns room. there was a HUGE stack for the local charity pick up last week. it was NICE to see it all go. i'm currently working on the garage- have managed to move a few things out, hit a few road bumps, working on getting the rest out. most of the big plans will have to wait for spring/summer, but in the mean time just keeping things up better around the house is happening, even the teenager is arguing less about doing dishes and helping keep things straightened up. MUCH easier when it's all together instead of one against 2 (and a dog...he's not doing his share. asshole.).
 i'm still working on job solutions. applied for several full time/benefits jobs, a few part time no benefits but more stable/secure that could turn into full time with benefits. now it's just a waiting game...

there's a few random things left rattling around- possibly a new boy to write about (no train wreck yet, but you know it's coming). there's a long winded rant i'll get out of my system eventually about religion and whatnot. there's plenty of changes afoot...just waiting for shoes to drop.

for now- the whole "get to bed early, get up early, be a responsible adult" thing is reminding me it's overdue.

random fact: studies show that putting deodorant/anti-antiperspirant on at night before bed will help it work better the next day by helping it absorb into your system while you sleep. odd but true. now you know. 

and then i was all...

today has been deemed random blog post day. there’s too many ideas to narrow it down to one. so. strap in. it could be a fucked up ride.

first off. i’m disappointed with myself. i knew that making changes in my life would open me up to new things, different things, the same things from a different perspective. i didn’t expect to hate- nay- loathe myself this early on in the process. yes, that’s right friends, a dixie chicks song made sense to me. I KNOW. i’m ashamed enough for all of us. but really…all of a sudden i’m listening to my mp3 and wide open spaces pops up and it just made sense. and yes, that was me admitting to having it on my mp3 thus giving it the ability to pop up and cause this whole identity crisis. going down in flames before i’ve even started the journey.

next. i have decided that i HATE tall book shelves. will never own another one again. ever. now i’m a tall person, so please don’t think i’m height discriminating. actually, think that all you want CAUSE I AM. i hate tall book shelves. you can never see what’s on top, they take up a whole wall, and if you’re not crazy diligent then whole villages of dust bunnies will move in and take over the place. i decided this weekend that the tall book shelves had to go. i swapped them out for little half height cubicle shelves and I LOVE IT SO MUCH. i have space to set things and decorate. i have wall space to hang pictures. i have NO MORE DUST VILLAGES. seriously, the swiffer duster was disgusting when i finished cleaning off the old shelves. it was a relatively small change, but it made a HUGE difference in my house- less claustrophobic, more clean, better displayed, all around happier shelves. it’s the little things that make a difference.

random #3: i broke my new car. yes, bonnie has been mortally injured. ok. maybe not mortally, it was more like a hangnail, but it happened. i was backing out of my garage and discovered that my side mirror does NOT bend backwards, and more importantly, does NOT bend back forwards after being bent backwards. also: insurance/warranty doesn’t cover stupid. so. $180ish later bonnie has been fixed and now my new car is old. the first official battle wound. all fixed up and better, but i’ll always know that the original side mirror met an untimely demise.

if insanity is defined by repeating the same action and expecting different results: I’M INSANE. we tried another pet. I KNOW. someone needs to put my picture up at the pound and not even let me in the door. BUT: the cat has made it over a year, so i’m not completely hopeless. so. the story goes like this: we adopted an akita. BEAUTIFUL dog. he was 3 years old, fully grown, and fit right in. was perfectly behaved while we were home over christmas break. got along perfectly with the kids, didn’t mind the cat, acted great when people came over and we did glee karaoke at way too loud of a volume with way too big of actions to go with the singing. strike that- there’s no such thing as too loud or too big of actions when it’s glee karaoke. but you get the idea. GREAT dog. no accidents in the house, didn’t even think about chewing up one thing, didn’t cause any problems. then we had to go back to school/work. turns out he had a bit of an anxiety/separation issues thing going on. TORE THE HOUSE APART. destroyed the kitchen blinds/curtains. shredded the plastic blinds in the living room. that was the first day. so i thought: my bad for leaving him out, i’ll put him in a kennel. second day: destroyed the kennel. or more correctly the contents of the kennel and everything near by. i had left a blanket, a bowl of water, and some toys in with him. DESTROYED. and he somehow managed to pull a stuffed giraffe off a shelf nearby and eat that. apparently the giraffe wasn’t good eating according to the mess that was smeared all over the kennel, through the wire mesh, EVERYWHERE. so i thought: my bad for leaving things in the kennel with him. so. day three: dog, rawhide, kennel. came home to the kennel TORN APART. still no idea how he did it. one of the big wire kennels and he managed to tear one of the doors down. it’s the kind that can collapse for travel, so it’s not a complete feat of strength, but still- those things are pretty damn solid when you put them together. but he tore it apart and got out. so. he had to go back. he was GREAT when we were home, but there’s no way we could have a dog that couldn’t be left alone. we’re gone more than i realized- grocery shopping, errands, movies- just a deal breaker for us. so. no more dog. back to just the cat. who, by the way, is even MORE obnoxious now that she is back to being an “only child.” ugh.

random #15: i think i broke my finger. well, not my finger, the knuckle on my right pointer finger. it hurts.

so. we all know how hard it is to take a GOOD picture of ourselves. don’t lie- you know you’ve tried it a million times on your digital camera or cell phone and HATED the results. know what’s even harder? taking a good picture of your own arm. it’s REALLY HARD PEOPLE. i’ve been trying to take a picture of my sleeve for a few weeks now and just can’t make it work. even got the spawn to try it…well…that’s a whole different story. you thought _I_ was technologically incapable? turns out it gets worse when you pass that gene on. anytwaddle: i have a half sleeve tatt now that is almost done and i can’t get a good picture of it to show off. so. imagine flowers. there you go. that’s all i can do for now. (not really, THIS is all i can do for now: 

random #5: there’s something very liberating about realizing you’re learning how to get past what you think other people will think. i’ve had a nasty habit…well…forever…of editing what i write depending on how i think people will respond to it. i’m (slowly) learning how to get over that. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW PEOPLE FEEL. i write what i write. how people feel in response to that is up to them. i can’t dictate what mood they’re in or how they interpret something or the voice they attach to my writing. IT IS OUT OF MY CONTROL, AND I AM OK WITH THAT. that’s a hard sentence to write. especially for a complete control freak. i know how things sound in _MY_ head and how i would LIKE them to sound in your head, but i can’t control that and it’s ok. i don’t need to let that dictate what i’m going to write and how i’m going to express myself. i will not be unnecessarily vicious or mean (well, not without proper warning anyway). i will not go out of my way to offend people or be completely out in left field. but it will happen from time to time that people are offended. or that they didn’t read a particular post the way i intended it to come off. AND THAT’S OK. along the same vein: it’s liberating to look at situations that are already in turmoil or where there are already problems and be able to speak my mind. i’m slowly leaning that the things i think are the worst that could happen rarely do happen. the worst response that i think i’ll get is rarely the true response that i do get. and when things are already in turmoil or when there’s already a problem it’s not like i can mess it up any more. well, i probably can, but that’s not the point. if there’s already a rift or a lack of communication, what is there to lose by speaking my mind? if someone has cut me out of their life or decided to move on, what do i have to lose by speaking my peace? the answer: NOTHING. and it generally helps me out to know that i’ve done and said everything i could on my end. but it really is liberating to realize that. so. learn from me. your yoda i am.

you can shoot me now. i apologize for that. can’t believe i just dropped a yoda line on you people. i’m sincerely sorry. i suppose i could delete it, but eh…that means backtracking and hitting extra buttons and it just sounds like too much work.

BIG NEWS: i’ve decided what i want to write first. i’m going to write my story! i’ve been thinking about it lately and i just really need to get all my history out of my head before i can get a character with a history of their own up in there mixing everything up. so. that’s my starting point. ME. i’m excited to see how it will turn out. that may sound strange, but you know how it goes- different parts and pieces come together at different times and it make all different stories. i don’t know what will be important or come to the front or want to be written about first. but i’m excited to see what path it takes, which of my experiences makes the cut, and what it tells in the long run. think of all the different blogs- how on different days, different pieces of my past have come forward to shine. they weren’t all in order, they didn’t all have the same tone or purpose to them, but they were all important and all were pieces of me. so. i’m excited put it into book form and see where it goes. hooray! a starting point!

i’m sure there’s a million other random things that i’ve been thinking of that i’ll think of again later, but right now…i think i’m good. i think that’s most of it. i’m doing a ton of thinking today apparently. and i like the work apparently apparently. there will be a more serious post up on the meatball page in a bit...so, if this doesn’t suit you today, give me a few minutes and we’ll try something different.