table for one

i am not a good cook.

i fully own this.

i CAN cook. obviously. i haven't starved over the last 21 years. i make a great lasagna, really good chicken enchiladas, spaghetti, tacos, meatloaf...the basics. i read once, years ago, that the average american family has 10 go to recipes they rotate through as their standard meal plan. i would say i have a solid 10 go to recipes i can manage.

BUT, those are box and can recipes.

i CAN make spaghetti from scratch. my dad passed on the family recipe once when i was a kid. it think i can mostly remember it. that's all cans too though: tomato juice, tomato paste, tomato sauce, V8...nothing exactly fresh made.

but my version of cooking and REAL cooking are very different.

hamburger helper: nailed it.

instant mashed potatoes: yup.

mac and cheese: BLUE BOX ONLY. none of that bullshit discount cheap shit.

dinner rolls: pop the pillsbury.

those things are great. there's a reason someone invented them.

they're also made for families.

i am no longer a family.

cooking the last few years has been pretty much on auto pilot. i had the basic things, made the basic amounts, it fed me and teenage boys. IF there were left overs, there was a microwave.

in the last 6 months i have: a) realized how much i really need to change my eating habits, mostly in connection with maintaining good mental health. fuck my waistline. i really don't care about my size (as long as torrid keep making cute clothes. if they ever go out of business i'll have to lose weight or get comfortable in mumus). but MENTAL HEALTH: i need to rein that shit in. did you know that around 90% of your serotonin (the happy maker) comes from your gut, not your brain? I'm really struggling with mental health lately, and i don't have insurance, so it's up to ME to find better answers. it's basic bullshit: proper food helps your brain work better, gives you body better energy, which makes it easier to make healthy life decisions, accomplish the basic functionality tasks without feeling like you've done a full marathon. this isn't rocket surgery. you need the proper fuel for your body. daily vitamins. vegetables. proper balanced meals.

and in the last 6 months i have also:

b) cut my budget by 1/3
c) become an empty nester
d) removed the microwave from my house

so i need to learn to COOK, real food, cheaper, for fewer people, without a way to reheat it later on.

and i know, this is for sure a first world problem.

but it's really fucking hard for me. 

i DREAD going to the grocery store now. it used to be bad, but i had the regular items i would grab, the regular portion sizes, call it a day.

now...i'm fucking lost in the store. i don't need a full gallon of milk. i don't need a full jar of spaghetti sauce. i don't need family size cereal. i don't need microwave ready snacks. all my standard go-to items have completely changed.

and it's fucking hard. way harder than i expected it to be.

i've made small inroads- i liked making "lunchables" for a few weeks. meat, cheese, cracker, hard boiled egg, cherry tomatoes, maybe a fun sized candy bar.

it was great. until it wasn't. deli lunch meat is expensive. pre-packaged lunchmeat is shit. most crackers get soggy, the only ones that don't are triscuits, and, i mean, they're triscuits. it's a bale of hay smashed into cracker form. and the meat gets a little warm and the cheese gets a little squishy and holy shit do the tupperware containers fill up the sink fast. i have exactly enough for one week (limited cabinet space) so i HAVE to wash them or the whole system falls apart...and guess what happened after the second week...

and now i've realized that i can try new foods now without backlash or having to double cook. not that i did much of that before. i either avoided new recipes or told the teenagers there's always peanut butter jelly sandwiches. partially due to my youngest being on the autism spectrum. new things were particularly hard for him, especially food wise. trying a new restaurant was up there with being chained in a dungeon filled with slugs for him. we had plenty a battle royale' over the years between both kids. add in that i'm NOT a great cook and many of the new recipes did NOT go well. i get it. totinos and hot pockets work too.

so now i'm trying to change. i'm trying to get better. but mix in financial stress. add in depression. add in anxiety. add in that i'm a picky bitch in my own right. there's several foods that don't like me (looking at you seafood and mushrooms) and plenty of foods i loathe with every fiber of my being (why the fuck does celery even exist?? and why is it in EVERYTHING??)

but i'm trying. i meal plan. i grocery shop. then i don't want to bother cooking for just ONE person. and what do you do with the left overs? there's no microwave to heat things back up! and reheating in the oven without burning or drying things out is still outside my skill set.

BUT.

BUT.

i have the most important thing: really, really good friends.

last night one of my most important people took me out to dinner to make a plan of attack then took me grocery shopping.

did you know they make pasta in single serving little "nests" that you just pop in water?

did you know you can ask the meat counter for a little tiny bit of steak strips or a 1/2 pound of ground beef?

DID YOU KNOW THERE'S A WHOLE BULK SECTION OF DRY GOODS?

she helped me pick out some really, really, REALLY basic healthy meal plan ideas and grocery shop accordingly. it honestly hurt my brain a little.

at fred meyer you can buy ready to go fried rice that all you have to do is heat it up. and pastas with the sauce. and there's a whole section of the tuna fish isle that has flavors and THERE'S CANNED CHICKEN LIKE CANNED TUNA (i'm still a little leery of this one).

i have a recipe for over night oats now (omg i'm mad at how easy that is- rolled oats and milk in the fridge overnight, add dried fruit. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? fuck off with how easy that is. i'm so mad i didn't know that existed).

i have a meal plan for rice/egg/avocado bowls and ready to eat soups and appropriately portioned pasta with real sauces.

she even wrote out simple recipes and made it as idiot proof as possible for me.

so i'm starting again.

i have things i'm excited to eat again. in portions and packaging i can handle.

maybe one day i'll even enjoy cooking instead of using it as a means to survive. i'm pretty sure that's around step 52018941 and i'm starting over again at step 1.

but, i'm starting. and i have help. not only does she know how to meal plan like a boss, she COOKS. really really cooks. like, makes her own dinner rolls from flour type cooks. and she teaches me. we did a mash-up of things i wanted to learn to cook at thanksgiving last year. she let me pick 3 recipes that we made to go with dinner.

so i'm learning.

i want to be healthy. all around healthy. so you start with the basics. get the food right. the rest of the dominos will start to fall into place, or at least be able to put into place with slightly more ease.

so. here we go. re-learning to commence in 3...2...1...

a new chapter

so. i'm a few weeks post move now. i'm settling in-ish. there's only one box left and its the shit i'm not sure why i packed anyway. still need to hang up artwork and do a few more things in the kitchen, then the decorating is done. i have yet to venture to the laundry room, but that can only last so long. eventually i'll need underwear.

moving was hard. well, moving is always hard. moving sucks. no matter what. rain and third floor REALLY sucks. but i did it, i made it in.

and now i'm there.

and i'm really...there. this is it. this is the start of the new chapter. i am officially an empty nester. i'm done being mom.

and i know, maybe they'll come back in a few years. i don't know. there's a lot of pain and trauma to get over. i'm not sure how to get over being called an iv cocaine user with 5 pimps. that's a hard one.

and if they do come back, it won't be as my kids. those years are over. i'm done momming.  they might come back as young adults, maybe as peers, but the kids part is over.

that's been a shift. it's taken me a while to process that one. it's the only thing i've ever known. i went straight from being a kid to having a kid. i've never lived alone. ever. it's fucking quiet. 

i mean, i've been living alone since november, but now...this is different. this is permanent alone. this is....this is really alone. there's no space for someone else. there's no "used to be" bedroom.

there's just me. and stella. and a tv that i can see from my bed and control with my phone.

that part is kinda great.

and stella and i are settling in. we have a routine going. she's finally figured out the stairs up AND DOWN. not sure how i gained weight after moving in AND carrying her fourty pound backside down the stairs for a week...but i did. yaaaaaaaaaaay (emphasized with all the sarcasm in the world.)

and it's lovely and new to me. and terrifying. and exciting. and i love it. and i'm scared of it.

but here it is. the new chapter. 

it is what i make of it.

and i'm trying. i've been doing things. i've gone out on dates. i've popped out to meet friends for a drink. i've taken stella to brunch and walks at the park and out to the pub.

and i'm writing! look! i'm writing!

a attended a get lit! event last week that really inspired me and kicked my ass. 

there's no excuses left. this is it. this is my chance to BE. 

and i want to take a minute to acknowledge this moment and the power of it. i'm really proud of myself for getting here. i'm working so hard on growing and changing and not listening to the negative voice in my head anymore. and it's fucking hard y'all. but i'm not giving up.

and i really mean that. i'm not giving up.

and i did the move. it was hard but i did it. and i did what i said i was going to do. i downsized. i went through books and movies and closets. i let things go that i've been holding onto FOREVER. the cradle that my dad made me in 1988 for christmas? it has a happy new home with a little girl who LOVES to play with her dolls. the first table i bought that i didn't have to put together myself? my first "grown up" piece of furniture? it's in a happy new home of a young couple that just bought their first house together. there's some things i can't let go of yet...i still have my brother's bowling ball. i don't bowl. it would be to heavy for me if i did, but i kept it anyway. the cedar chest? the insanely heavy cedar chest that has moved with me over 15 times? still hanging on to that one. it was a graduation present from my dad. you can't just let that go. the cheer-leading uniform that doesn't hold any particular happy or good memories? gotta keep that! sure, what used to fit on my itty bitty waist (i swear i was never that small) fits on my THIGH now. ouch. but i'll keep packing the fucking thing around with me and stuffing it in the top of a closet. 

but i did it. i went through things. i purged. i let things go. some things are still a work in progress. but there is progress being made. and that's a good thing. 

so. this is it. this is my new chapter. 

here we go.