the mother's curse

i hope you have a child JUST. LIKE. YOU.

how many times do i remember my mom saying that?

guess what? i think they're both like me. but in very different ways.

last week the oldest spawn turned 18.

i'm officially the parent of an adult.

WHAT???

i still struggle with him. well, a one sided struggle anyway. he's still shutting me out.

i was talking to a good friend about how the kid and i have struggled over the years, where we're at now, and she laughed and said "are you sure it isn't because he's just like you?" or some version there-of.

she pointed out that he's wicked smart and very artistically gifted. later that same week, one of his grandparents echoed the same vein of thinking.

i'm some version of both those.

the oldest spawn also happens to be very opinionated, very outspoken, very passionate, and VERY stubborn.

well.

huh.

something about apples and trees.

then there's the "little" spawn.

"little" as in he looks me square in the eye now and long ago passed me in shoe size.

oy.

he's been on a campaign to get his ears pierced this summer.

after getting over my horribly sexist knee-jerk response of "...but that's for girls!" i asked WHY he's so hell bent on getting them pierced.

"because i'm tired of looking boring. i want to try something new and feel more like myself."

again with the apples and trees.

the small spawn and i had a discussion at the end of his counseling session a few weeks ago about why i push him so much to do certain things- meet new people, try new things even if you don't think you'll like it, go places even when you think you won't have fun.

spawn to counselor: why does she make me do things she won't even do?

me: BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE LIKE ME!

i see so much of myself in him- the not great parts. he already makes up other peoples minds for them. he already convinces himself of things before they've even happened. he talks himself out of things because he knows he won't have a good time or he won't like it.

HOLY CRAP GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

i could never ask that person out, i already know i'm not their type.

i shouldn't go to that concert, i won't have a good time.

i shouldn't hang out with that group of people, i won't fit in.



neither one of them may look like me, but holy crap are those my spawns.

so now the trick is: how do i teach them to cultivate and enhance the GOOD parts of me and recognize and mitigate the not so great parts?

it's what i do

well, my child is still a child according to the court in whatcom county.

this is very good news.

assault 4 as a juvenile means a year probation, community service, counseling. assault 2 as an adult would have meant jail time and a permanent record.

so. good news.

i should be relieved. i should be worrying less.

but i'm not.

i'm still terrified. i'm still scared out of my fucking mind every single moment i allow myself to even flitter across the whole situation.

i'm trying to sort out still how it got to this point. i'm trying to sort out who this angry reckless stranger is that replaced my goofy artist. i'm trying to hold onto hope that this isn't that far off from "typical" teenager junk that everyone goes through to some degree and he'll come out of it in a year or two and his dad and i will laugh and drink whiskey and wait for him to have a teenager of his own (in 29 years) to put him through all the same but different trials.

i'm terrified that it isn't over yet.

and i'm terrified of my perspective.

and i'm terrified that no one can see my perspective but me.

they started my son on anti-depressants. i'm sure they work great for some people, but I HATE THEM. i especially hate them when they are prescribed to chemically alter a mind that is already in a state of constant chemical development and change.

i've tried anti-depressants exactly twice in my life. the first time i was put on a birth control that was for mood swings and depression. it took three days before i was literally balled up in a corner, under my kitchen table, SOBBING and ready to end my own life. luckily my own crazy prevented me from making any terrible decisions because the dishes hadn't been done and the bathroom hadn't been cleaned, so there's NO WAY i could take my own life and let someone else clean up my (literal) mess. as i was sobbing and trying to figure out what to do, my doctor called to follow up on the prescription and immediately told me to flush the remaining pills and NEVER take them again.

the second time i was on a prescription for a ten day trial which i kept track of via blog and it wasn't TERRIBLE only because it wasn't ANYTHING. it completely flat lined me. took away ALL emotion. no bad, but also no good. i was in a boring, grey fog of nothing. not a great experience.

i'm much more of the mindset to try everything else before medication. anti-depressants are mainly designed to boost serotonin in the brain. the trick is, the brain only controls/contains 20% of our body's serotonin. 80% comes from (basically) your gut. 80% can be controlled through diet, vitamin supplements, exercise. those all sound MUCH safer than handing out a medication that you have to wean onto, wean off of, and has a HIGH rate of increasing suicide risk in teenagers.

but, as usual, mom doesn't know what she's talking about. a pill is easier. it takes less effort and planning. instead of vitamin D and B and meditation, yoga, better food, just pop a pill (and risk an already emotionally unwell teenager becoming more unwell).

a teenager that was asking way too may questions about my brother who ended his life way too soon. a teenager that "felt like he's the same" as uncle steve. a teenager that has always taken the easy way out (no matter how hard i tried to make him work for things). a teenager that has proven he isn't making sound decisions right now.

i am scared to death that he won't take any of this seriously. i'm SO GRATEFUL that he doesn't have a permanent record, but i'm scared that he may think he got away with it. i'm scared that he doesn't understand the impact and repercussions of probation. i'm scared he'll think of counseling and a requirement and not a tool to help. i'm hopeful that community service will teach him something. i'm scared that he doesn't understand the side effects and possible influence of medication. i'm scared he'll only take them until he feels better and ignore that stopping can be so dangerous if not done the right way. i'm terrified that he'll feel worse and not talk to anyone and make the most horrible, life ending choice an angry teenager can make.

i'm terrified that i can't help him. i'm frustrated he won't listen to me. i'm heartbroken that he stopped talking to me and i can't tell him that i've been there and done that.

so i just worry. and try not to think about it. but that's all i think about. i'm a mom. it's what i do.

statistical nightmare

i am a very shallow person.

i care a great deal what people think of me and what labels people attach not only to me, but my kids, our family, our life.

i spend an insane amount of time and money crafting what i want to be perceived as. i work really hard to not look sloppy or lazy when i go to work, the store, sports practices, parent teacher meetings. i work hard to have a nice house- mostly clean, nice furniture, decorated in my quirky personal taste but still pleasant for anyone who visits. i work hard to have a nice life.

and my kids.

good. heavens. there is no limit to what i would do for my kids. i have gone toe to toe with teachers, principals, coaches making sure my kids aren't labeled or treated differently. i've battled my own kids to make sure they know how to behave, how to be polite. i've all but drug them into the shower to make sure they aren't the smelly kid in class. i put extra effort into snack days to make sure we have the "good" snacks. i made sure they had nice clothes (not name brand, but nice, none the less). i've made sure they were able to participate in sports, have friends over. i've sat through so. many. conferences and open houses and band concerts. i've volunteered in the classroom and on field trips. i want my kids to be smart and successful and decent contributing members of society.

i feel like i have, and will forever be battling the stigma and statistics of being a teen mom. i made it a point to go to college with a baby on my hip because he deserved a mom that could provide a good life. i fought so hard to get off public assistance (daycare and food stamps) after college and again after my divorce (housing assistance and food stamps (again)). i fought to leave an abusive marriage because i didn't want that life or example for my kids. i have worked so hard to not be the failure and drain on society that is expected from someone who "had a baby while still a baby."

and yet here i am, 17 years into it, becoming a grim statistic.and it's killing me on so many different levels.

last monday my son was arrested.

my 17 year old kid spent a night in juvy for assaulting his dad. he will appear before a judge in a few weeks and there is the possibility that they will charge him with assault 2 as an adult due to his age (he would probably be 18 by the time it went to a jury) and the severity of the assault. that's a felony.

that's his adult life on the line. that's every college application, every job application. that's strike one on the three strike law.

he's a junior in high school, opting into running start for now. he still has a full year left before he graduates. what would it look like to have a felony before you graduate? how would it impact his education? he is SMART. incredibly smart. he could have any career he wants. but not with a felony on his record.

he is SO ANGRY and mean. he has been for years. that's why he doesn't live with me any more. he has refused help, counseling, reason. he has wallowed in his anger for years letting it get stronger and increasingly mean and violent. he brags about threatening and intimidating kids at school. he thinks vandalism is funny. he took a few swings at me in the past, and now not only took a swing at but connected with his dad resulting in serious injury.

everything i've worked so hard for feels like it's slipping away. and it sounds selfish and petty, but I DON'T WANT TO BE THE TEEN MOM OF A FELON. i don't want us to become another statistic: a single mom with a kid that's "in the system." i don't want to be a failure. i don't want him to be a failure.

i don't know how to help him. he's finally agreed to counseling. whether to avoid jail or to actually get help remains to be seen. i hope, with everything i have, it's to get help and resolve his anger and remove the violence and urge to settle things with his fists. he HAS to learn that he can't act this way. he can't start swinging in a bar. he can't start swinging at a boss. he REALLY can NEVER start swinging at a girlfriend or spouse.

and here's where it gets SUPER shallow and petty:

i don't want to feel like trash but that's all i feel like right now. i feel like i should be living in stained, faded, holey "pink" sweats, a smoke saturated worn out oversized hoodie, stained and worn out uggs (knock off brand of course), living in a trailer park in a trailer that has buckets strategically placed on rainy days, where keeping the lights on or groceries in the cupboard is an either or, not a both. i should be driving a car that you have to start with a screwdriver, have a snot nosed baby stuck in a playpen crying all day long while i finish smoking pack 22 of american spirits while i watch soap operas and yell at husband number 17  to quit scratching his belly button and get a damn job already. AND I KNOW THAT'S SUPER JUDGMENTAL AND STEREOTYPICAL AND MEAN.

i had a date scheduled for last monday before all this happened. i got the call monday night as i was getting ready and decided that since there was nothing i could do across the state, i may as well go ahead with the date. i was on the phone with my brother discussing appearances and charges and what all the legal jibberish means as i sat in the mcdonalds parking lot waiting to go in and meet the poor date guy. i probably should have cancelled, but i didn't want to be a flake. so in i went, and tried to take a quick moment to pull myself together. didn't work so well. i ended up telling poor date guy: "...give me just a second, trying to get in the right head space, didn't want to cancel on you, but just found out my son has been arrested."

GREAT START TO A DATE.

awesome. not only a chick with kids, but a chick with kids IN JAIL. gee, why haven't i heard from him again?

I KNOW. I SHOULD BE MORE WORRIED ABOUT MY KID THAN MY DATING LIFE. I FULLY ADMIT TO BEING A HORRIBLE PERSON.

of course, when it rains, it pours, at the same time all this is happening, the small child decides it's time to test boundaries too. he made a stupid comment in wood shop class, a girl went home and repeated it to her dad, dad went to the superintendent of the school district and wanted to press sexual harassment charges against my son (incident went something like this: they're making wooden c02 cars to race: girl: i know what you're going to use the c02 hole for. my kid: we know what you're going to use your dildo car for."). so my son gets 2 days in-school-intervention and has to change his whole school schedule so he won't have any more classes with the girl. he just got done with a week of lunch detention for being caught in the middle of a fight (that he was trying to break up). he's also failing science.

so one kid in jail, one kid in school detention of one form or another.

SUPER SUCCESSFUL PARENTING MOMENT. frame that fucking snapshot and put it on the fridge.

i am not a bad mom. i am not a bad person. i don't want either of my kids to be delinquents. or felons. or failures. we have some hard days ahead. there will be parent teacher meetings and court appearances and hard decisions and consequences all around. but, in the mean time, please don't think poorly of me. please don't label me the single teen mom statistic. please don't judge us too harshly.

sort it out

it's the second night in a row i haven't been able to sleep. i even let the damn dog back upstairs after spending the weekend cleaning carpets because i wondered if maybe i just missed listening to him snore at the foot of my bed.

no luck.

i know what the problem is. i know there's healthier and better ways to deal with it. i have it all downstairs in a notebook from the 6 week course i just finished.

FOR NOW: i'm handling it the old way that causes insomnia and indigestion stress.

old habits die hard.

i've had my comfort food, i've dyed my hair, i've spend the last few days stressing and trying to come up with ideas and plans and at the end of the day, i'm sitting in bed, crying over an uncertain future, fear, hurt, anger, all of it.

the big spawn thinks he wants to go to live with his dad for high school. it's come up a few times. and i'm sure it will go back and forth for a while more. one day all he can talk about is high school here and his friends and all that. the next day he needs to move over and live with his dad and go to school there and give his dad a chance to be a parent.

i get it. i really do. there's an age when a young man needs his dad around. the shaving, the girls, the sports, all of it. mom just doesn't cut it. i've known it was coming.

i'm trying really hard not to go to some really bad places with this. just when you think you've learned to deal with rejection and all the baggage that can bring...it just pops right up again. and i KNOW my son isn't rejecting me, he just wants his dad, he wants what's different and unknown and intriguing. knowing and feeling are two VERY different things though.

i've reminded him it would be a HUGE change- whole new school, no friends, high school, his dad is in school too, it's away from everything he's ever known, it's LIVING with his dad, not just staying with him for 2 weeks. it's SO MUCH at once. it scares me for him. i know my kid. i know he's smart. i've been raising him to be tough and take on change and take on big things. college is only 4 years away. i know i will have to let him go at some point. i just thought i had 4 more years. and i'm just worried this is too much at once. as smart as he is, i know he's also not the greatest at talking out his issues. and with all those changes there would be ISSUES. i also know he gets very angry and picks fights and acts out when he has issues he doesn't know how to deal with. and i don't know if he and his dad would know how to deal with that. i'm sure they would figure it out. i'm a mom. i worry.

and how could i ever tell my son no to wanting his dad?

i don't want him to be like me. i don't want him to have to wait until it's too late to try to build a relationship. and if some day, god forbid, anything ever happened, i don't want my son to be able to pick up and go about his life like nothing happened.

i don't want him to be 32, realizing he has very few memories, and hasn't really been affected the last two years aside from the occasional momentary break down. i don't want him sitting up one night realizing life went on way too easy and way to quickly for something that should have stopped the world in it's tracks. i don't want him to realize that it can come up in a conversation and be discussed as easily as the weather after only two years. i don't want him to have to live with never even getting to know what he lost.

speaking of the occasional momentary break down.

one paragraph that tooks a full hour to write.

and. dialing it back in.

so.

he's been talking the last few days about moving over with his dad. i honestly don't know if i can let him go. i know it's his choice and all, but that's MY KID. i've spent the last 15 years raising him. i've spent the time working through the temper tantrums and school and homework and all of it. i don't want to miss seeing the good parts- driving, dances, girlfriends, high school...

i know college is coming eventually, but, that's...you know...four years away and totally different.

as different as oranges and mandarins.

and so then i go into over-response mode: i'll just sell the house, get a job over there, pack up, jump on over the mountains with him. TOTALLY LOGICAL.

except...yanno...it itsn't.

i mean- yeah, there's not a whole lot going for me here. i have two part time jobs, no family, a good group of friends i would miss terribly, but i would miss my kid a helluva lot more.

on that side of the mountains there's better jobs, better schools for BOTH spawns, my niece and nephew would be closer, and my old spawn would have his dad.

sell the house, have a cushion for a bit to get settled and locked into a job.

EASY, RIGHT?

oh wait...there's approx a BILLION people on that side of the state. all looking for jobs. and the cost of living is 3 times as much. and there's endless schools to try to pick through. and trying to find a school close to a house close to a job. and there's a million little cities all up and down the coast- do i look way up north by his dad? do i settle in the middle near friends? do i go south near the small piece of family that's left?

there would be great schools for the small spawn, but we'd be looking at another new school, new teachers to battle with, new friends for him to try to make, another BIG change for him. But the school here hasn't been exactly stellar, the kids have been rough at best...maybe a change would be best for him too.

what if the house doesn't sell since there's still more work that needs done to it? does someone really want to buy a house with the most fucked up horrible looking french doors known to man? (ok, a little over dramatic, the contractor did the best he could, but they still look pretty terrible).

and what about me? my support group here is small, but it's damn powerful. could i leave that? i have friends over there too, and would have the spawns dad, but would that be enough for me?

and i honestly don't even know where to start to consider any of it. would i list my house here first so at least it's on the market?

so i look for a high school first? then a middle school? then an apartment that's close to both and then try to find a job in that area?

do i try to find a job first? then pick a high school close to that? and hope there's affordable housing within commute/bus distance for the boys and i both?

how the hell would i pack up this whole place and move it across the state? across town is a giant pain in the ass...what the hell would across the state be like?

is the teenager serious about this? would i really change my whole life to accommodate him (answer is yes). 

it's just...a LOT. then you throw in an unexpected break down and guilt about a kid needing a dad. and i've been itching for change (again) for a while, but this seems a little extreme. and there's just SO MUCH to it.

and i'm supposed to somehow sleep with all this rattling around. thank heavens for pandora, laptop computers and the internet.  

universe: 1 billion, me: 0

did you ever have one of those days where it just seemed like the universe was plotting against you from the moment you woke up?

i know it isn't real, it's all in perspective, but when you feel like you've been knocked flat on your ass the perspective is a little skewed.

the last few nights have been dreams of being chased by a serial killer- perhaps too many crime shows. couple that with insomnia and a dog that sleeps all day and is restless at night- you have a damn shitty start to a tuesday.

i woke up early this morning, had to drive the big spawn to school so his cigar box banjo wouldn't get damaged on the bus- no, i don't understand the logic of it either. school is at 8, i don't have to be to work until 9 even though they're only a few blocks apart. told him i would wake up, shower, run him to school then come home to get ready, PLEASE be ready to go so i have time between trips to get ready. he decided to sleep in and take a shower right before me. being a teenager, a shower isn't complete until ALL the hot water is gone. so there's me, in all my grumpy insomniatic serial killer dream glory, add in a cold shower. now add in SHITTY roads for not one but TWO trips across town (school, then work).

i pulled my shit together for work, took calls, didn't drive my coworker TOO nuts (that i know of anyway) until about 1:27 when i got a call from the small spawn school counselor.

sometimes the straw that breaks the camels back isn't a single straw, it's a whole fucking harvest full of  bales.

the counselor was calling about getting help started for the small spawn.

YES, getting help STARTED.

because, you know, i haven't been fighting to get him help EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. YEAR.

long story short: they want to put him in the "resource room."

back in my day the "resource room" was called "special ed."

they want to take the small spawn out of standardized learning with typical learning students and place him in a classroom of moderate to severe special needs kids.

because of his speech and reading.

the two programs i have been FIGHTING to get him help for.

he's been in speech therapy since he was 2. he started in district 81, THE SAME DISTRICT HE'S IN NOW with speech therapy BEFORE kindergarten. every year he's been placed in speech and reading intervention. every year they removed him from the programs when he "reached the level of his peers and was disqualified for additional resource assistance."

EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. i asked about dyslexia.

they told me it was age typical. they told me he was fine, he'd grow out of it. they told me they would keep an eye on it.  

guess why they want to test him and put him in the "resource room"?

because he has abnormal speech patterns, confuses/changes his letters and words still, and hasn't mastered the sight words typical of his age.

YOU MEAN DYSLEXIA?

last spring i had a meeting with his classroom teacher, the speech teacher, the reading teacher, and the school counselor. don't even get me started about how it was the END of the year before they listened to me asking for help and classroom intervention.

LAST YEAR we discussed a 504 plan to give the small spawn extra time during testing, additional help, and accommodations for other things (math word problems) that involved reading. I SIGNED THE DOCUMENT LAST SPRING.

december 10th this year i went in for a parent teacher conference.

there was NO record of a 504 plan. there was NO record of previous speech/reading intervention even though he's been doing it EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. since pre-k. there was no mention in his file of aspergers. there was no mention of every. single. fucking. conversation. that i've had EVERY. YEAR. with EVERY. TEACHER. about how to help him succeed in class.

NOTHING. not a single fucking thing in his file. 

where did FOUR years worth of information go?

as soon as i mentioned aspergers to THIS teacher she lit up, changed her whole perspective on the small spawn. see...she has a son with aspergers. SHE GETS IT. the one fucking year i didn't go in before school started to talk to the teacher. the one year i thought they had a plan in his file. the ONE FUCKING YEAR someone gets it and we've wasted half the school year already.

and now they want to start all over, test him, pull him out of the standardized class room and make everything a million times worse.

he's finally making friends. he's OFF THE CHARTS smart in math, science and history. he's never been a discipline problem in the classroom, he's always the first to help. he LOVES school. he LOVES learning.  and now they want to break all that, in the middle of the year, and place him in a segregated classroom? TO HELP HIM?

and i don't know what to do. if they test him and he "passes" he'll be pulled out of class (supposedly only after my approval). if he "fails" the tests then there's no other resources to help him since he's already tried them all.

i can't afford tutors. i can't afford outside classes or learning centers.

i've been beating myself up since he started school at my own inability to help him. ME, with the fucking literature degree can't even help my own son read. i haven't figured out how to teach him something that always came to easy to me.

i sat down and read with him tonight- the "big nate" books i got him for christmas.  he can read hyphenated words across line breaks. he can sight read words like "relationship", "omen", "backboard", "according" but he trips over "it" and "was" and "day". 

where would you even start? he can do complex math problems (for his age) but still gets b and d confused and puts his shoes on the wrong feet.

and so i research and read and i do what i always do when i have a problem: try to find a logical solution or step to take.

go ahead. google dyslexia. see if you can find a concrete learning plan or suggestion. see if you can find anything other than "there's no explanation or cure for it."

one of the most common learning problems and all they can say is: "yup. it happens. doesn't mean you're not smart. just means you process things differently."

WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK.

you win the captain obvious award for the day.

so i search iphone apps- there's has to be SOMETHING, right? somewhere to start?

105 apps pull up under a search for "dyslexia".

very few have more than a 2 start rating. most of those are typing tutors or apps that do NOTHING once you've installed them.

the khan academy is focused on math and sciences.

we've tried having the older spawn help (that's a TRAIN WRECK).

we've tried leap pad (didn't hold his attention).

we've tried study buddies at school (bully problems, he doesn't want to go anymore).

we've tried campus kids (interaction with a college student/mentor: cool, no help).

we've done reading intervention (kicked him out when he reached the level of his peers, then he digressed).

we've done flash cards (he gets frustrated too quickly).

we've done reading practice (we both get frustrated too quickly).

we've done wii/gameboy games (they're not fun like the other games available).

now what?

no really. i have no ideas left.

so. yeah, tuesday: you win.

but i will be back. i WILL find an answer. fuck you district 81. i WILL find help for my son.

autism awareness

so. april is autism awareness month. you've probably seen something on my facebook or twitter feed about it. if you don't know what autism is, check this: http://www.autismspeaks.org/what-autism please and learn your one new thing for the day.

so. GREAT. now you know the statistics. you know the diagnosis. you know the jargon. you're well aware of autism. as in: you know it exists. but what does it MEAN? how can you really be AWARE?

i can't speak for every mom with a kid on the spectrum. just like every kid is different, every case of autism/aspergers is different. big shock, i'm sure. there is no one size fits all diagnosis. there is no cure that will "fix" every child.

so let me tell you what it means for us. let me help make you AWARE.

aspergers means that my kid processes things differently. from senses to jokes to experiences. it means he reacts to things differently. he has a harder time knowing when to stop. he has a harder time knowing what's funny and what's across the line. he has a harder time reading the social cues that the rest of us don't even realize exist.

it means things that should be simple have a few extra twists to them. it means every day activities can be a challenge. it means simple things that seem routine are a cause for celebration.

i consider myself a little hard lined when it comes to aspergers. i'm lucky enough that most people look at my son and thing he's stubborn or spoiled. and yes, that's a good thing. i've fought to make sure my son doesn't have a label on him. there's nothing in his medical charts or school charts that says "aspergers". i don't want him to have a label for other people to hold him back and i damn sure don't want him to have a label to rest on. i'm lucky that i can get away with that. we don't have the health issues or dietary issues or wide array of other things that some families have to learn to work around. we have the easy stuff. the behaviors and the stimming and the quirks.

since i started to notice some things different about my son i've worked hard to not let that become the focus of our lives. when he was a baby, maybe 2 or 3, i started to notice domino patterns. i don't know the real names of things, just how i describe them by the way. domino patterns were series of things that had to trigger the next item on the list for life to function. he had to be in bed, get a drink of water, say good night, then have the light turned off. if it was out of order in any way he wouldn't sleep. it was a series of switches and you had to get the right combination to get the machine to work right. for that one in particular it took MANY sleepless night (for both of us) but we worked through it. we still have a routine- 8 (ish) is bed time. he says good night, brushes his teeth and goes to bed. the magic is that the world doesn't end if it's out of order or if a step is missed. other have been easier. other have been harder. some we still haven't been able to unlock.

my son has a harder time learning than other kids. he's been in speech therapy since he turned 2. we've been working on abnormal speech patterns and language delays since he even started developing language. he's 9. i still have a hard time understanding him more often than not. he's working on reading and understanding and putting things together in the right order. it means his jokes get confused. he has a hard time finishing sentences when he's excited or when he's frustrated. it means he has a harder time communicating and can get in trouble easier than most kids because he can't tell his side of the story.

my kiddo has a resistance to new or different things. i had to drag him into the water at an indoor water park even though he loves swimming simply because it was new and different. he was crying and fighting me while other parents looked on in horror but after he got in, it was nearly as impossible to get him back out. i've learned that sometimes i have to ignore other people because i won't let him miss out on things. we've been the table many times at a restaurant with the crying kid because even though they have the same cheeseburger and fries as every other place in town, this one is new. i've had more than a few waiters/waitresses look at me strange when i didn't order something for my son because he was in the middle of an adjustment. after a few minutes of gathering himself and adjusting to the new surroundings he would realize he was hungry and that maybe i hadn't taken him to the gates of hell, and maybe ordering food would be ok.

aspergers, for us, means that when my son hears a joke on tv and people laugh he's going to remember it and repeat it. over. and over. and over. it doesn't matter what joke it was or if it's a joke that's ok for a 9 year old to tell. he just knows people laughed and he likes it when people laugh.

it means as soon as we figure out one behavior pattern and work through it another one is right around the corner. 

 

it means learning what neurological triggers are and what things we can work on and what things will always be an issue.

it means we had to learn a new way to communicate and focus. we have to work on holding still and maintaining eye contact.

it means when he has a melt down he isn't being a brat or being spoiled and it may take a long time to reset or we may be done for the day.

it means that when you promise him something, he WILL remember.

it means i have a harder time grounding him because he lacks attachment to objects.

it means that when you rough house with him it will NOT end well because he doesn't know when to stop.

it means that he has such a hard time reading social cues and making friends that he'll do ANYTHING to get kids to pay attention to him.

which means if you come over to visit he will do everything possible to be the center of attention.

it means that he flutters his hands and rocks back and forth.

it means no caffeine or we have a wet bed in the morning.

it means if he gets a gift card i will hear about it every five minutes until he get to spend it.

it means if he likes clothes he will NEVER take them off and if he doesn't like clothes he will NEVER wear them. 

it means that he cries easier when he's tired or growing.

it means he loses his temper when he feels slighted.

it means he loses teeth.

it means he doesn't like to eat his vegetables.

i means he doesn't like it when his brother is a jerk.

IT MEANS HE'S A KID.

it means that the next time you see a mom in the store with a kid having a melt down don't just assume it's a spoiled brat.

it means the next time you see a kid trying really hard to do something new, encourage them and help them.

it means if it takes a little longer to get a sentence out it's ok.

it means be a little more patient and judge a little less.

it means a million more things so ASK. start a conversation. learn. be aware:

a·ware [uh-wair] 

adjective

1. having knowledge; conscious; cognizant.

2. informed; alert; knowledgeable; sophisticated.

obligatory review

well. it's a week into a new year. i suppose i should take some time to reflect and learn and all that crap.

overall: 2011: not too shabby. not great, but for sure didn't kick my ass like the two previous years.

month by month shall we?

january: whatever. can't remember.

february: quit my job. the start of the new, different, year of changes. so many goals, so many things to do.

march: i'm bored.

april: i'm bored. oh, and lost grandma to bone cancer. sudden, fast, but hell, she made it to 88.

may: I BOUGHT A HOUSE. this is what happens when you're bored.

june: worked on the house.

july: worked on the house.

august: moved into the house. started making coffee. started working as a secretary.

september: kids back to school. hired/fired contractors that fucked me over.

october: halloween. i'm sure there was something else.

november: family holidays, whatnot. oh yeah: no more work.

december: more family holidays. more work followed by no work.

and here we are back to january again. there was so much more in there. looking back over blogs, looking back at kids, friends, pictures, there was some really good things and some really terrible things. overall though it was a pretty ok year.

now. the important things: what did 2011 teach me?

death sucks. if you haven't been expecting it, if you have, if it pounces on you, whatever. it wasn't any easier to watch my grandmother get sick and fade than it was to wake up one day and hear my dad was gone. you never want it to happen. you never want to let someone go. 25, 27, 55, 88 years...it's never enough.

family sucks: i still haven't been able to write about it but there was a huge shift in what remains of my family this year: in a way i lost all the family that i have left. i faced a really damn hard truth that my mother will never believe me, will never stand up for me, and would rather lose my kids and i than face some unpleasantness in her home. i also learned that my brother will unequivocally side with her. that sucks. it’s the only blood i have left and i don’t really have them. kind of a sucker punch, but at the same time i know i’m not alone, i do have good people and the world does go on.

contractors suck: i’ll expand this one to include: way too many people suck. i found out the hard way this year that there are way too many people out there willing to take the easy way, screw people over, do every dirty damn thing they can with no remorse. i had “friends” that disappeared when i stopped paying for every thing they could think of. i had a company i had been loyal to for 10 years fuck me without blinking twice. i had contractors that took advantage of my trust and left me broke and without a bathroom. i watched friends get screwed over. i watched my kids get screwed over. i watched employers get screwed over. it really sucks when you work so damn hard to do the right and best thing you can at all times only to realize you’re one of the very few. i guess i’ve was protected in my little cubicle world before. being out and around people now you see how many of them really do honestly suck. i LOVE that the people i’ve allowed in my life aren’t like this. i would like to believe the old saying: like attracts like. we all have a few exceptions, shit happens, but i’ve found some really awesome people that bust their ass and would do anything they could to help each other. i’m finding out how rare and precious that is and i like that i’ve learned to appreciate it more now.

fear is my biggest obstacle: i want to do so many things. but i’m scared. and i haven’t kicked my own ass enough to get over it. i’m honestly scared of dating- what changes will i have to make? what if he’s terrible? what if my kids don’t like him? what if they DO like him? what if i get rejected? what if i DON’T get rejected? i’m a pansy! it’s easier to stay single and bitch than step into the unknown. i’m afraid of failure: i want to start a business. i want to do all these great things in my head and work and make it amazing. but what if people don’t get what i’m trying to do? what if i don’t get customers? what if i fail and have to close? what if i’m a success and it’s too much to handle? what if i get shitty employees that try to fuck me over? what if i get good people and i can’t support them? and writing- remember all the writing i was going to do this year? i’m terrified of it. all the blogs that are still in my head- there’s a LOT of heavy subjects up there. what if people don’t like the serious side instead of the wry humor? what if i say something i shouldnt? what if it crosses a line and i can’t go back? i’ve been stuck since this summer. there’s one GIANT road block and i can’t decide if i need to bust it down and lay all the shit bare or skirt around it or avoid it all together. what if i say things about myself that causes me to lose more people? lose my support system because it’s just too much?

so. 2012: the year i kick fear’s ass.

also: a friend told me this year: “i believe the way you start the new year sets the whole tone for the year.”

i spent quite a bit of time thinking about that on new years eve. i wanted to do something different. i want this year to be different. i DID go out (just for a few minutes, and no adult parties...baby steps). i DID do something different (no disney channel). it was movies with my kids and sparkling cider at midnight followed by a movie with a very good friend and waking up in the morning to a hot cup of coffee and happiness. not a bad start at all. different, GOOD, and exactly what i want to make 2012 be. different and GOOD.

i’m applying for jobs. i’m working on my house. i working on writing more. i’m working on kicking fear’s ass. i’m watching my kids grow up. i’m learning to ask for help. i’m learning to accept help when it’s offered. i’m learning to discuss things as they happen instead of reaching an point of no return. i own a house and damn it, i want to own my life too. so. it’s a few days late, but welcome to 2012.

quit(ish)

there’s been so much going on lately and yet nothing at the same time. it’s been good and bad and creative and stressful and boring and all of everything rolled into one hot mess.

this weekend i’ve been laying pretty low while battling a huge round of depression and decision making and general yuk.

i’ve been making so many plans lately and having just as many fall through on me. it’s been hard. i was going to help one of my bosses open a stove shop that he’s been waiting to do for a long time. things stalled on that. then i was going to start my own pay-by-the-day secretarial business and things stalled on that. i found out one of the coffee shops i work at was possibly open for purchase and then that fell through. i’ve applied for mortgages, planned out three businesses, worked at two coffee shops and helped manage two other businesses. i’m learning social media and online advertising for businesses on the fly. i’m taking messages, making appointments, dealing with people who have never met me but still hate me (you should see the hate mail letter). in the middle of all this i’m dealing with a moody teenager and an 8 year old who HATES everything.

i’m tired. i’m stressed. i’m frustrated and i have the window ledge full of empty wine bottles to prove it.

i had to quit(ish) one of my jobs today. i’m so frustrated with this decision. i feel like a huge failure. i’ve never quit before. i made the decision to leave my last job but it wasn’t because i couldn’t do it or i wasn’t successful at it. i left for family and i left on good terms. not so much this time. this time i was a flat failure. the worst part is that it wasn’t even really my failure. i had a boss that had little to no respect for me which makes things, well, impossible. every appointment i set was either ignored or he would be late to. messages i took were ignored. my calls were sent to voice mail (why bother leaving a message when i’m the one that reviews them?). clients would call asking why their appointment was missed or their call not returned and i ended up looking like an incompetent idiot. i HATE being made to look like an idiot. i’m damn good at what i do. DAMN GOOD. but there was no way for the clients to know that. i looked like the bumbling secretary that couldn’t take a message or schedule an appointment without screwing up. i was busting my ass getting advertising, social media, web listings, appointments, taking messages, organizing, trying to make things work smoother and take the stress off him and all it was doing was quadrupling my stress. why am i taking calls at 7am on sunday morning when he could care less? why am i answering his texts at 10pm about appointments or billings when i had tried to reach him all day?

i stopped to talk to him today to let him know where i was at. this is a HUGE thing for me. normally i just pull the plug and walk away. generally there’s a large emotional explosion and a grand finale and no going back. this time i tried to be different. i tried to talk about it before i was at the explosion point. i calmly told him everything i just wrote out above. i told him that i was frustrated but if things could change i would still be on board.

and then there was silence. stone. cold. silence.

so. i left.

there was apparently nothing left to say.

about an hour later i had a text message asking me how to take the call forwarding off.

so. i guess that’s that. i didn’t mean to quit. i was asking for change and a little respect. i guess i got my answer.

so. nifty.

less stress. that’s a good thing, right?

BUT. that was pretty much the last hope of avoiding cubicle world again. the last hope of something that would work out and pay the bills and let me still be a mom. so. now it’s back to corporate robot world. yuk.

and in the middle of all that did i mention my teenager is failing school and my 8 year old is being bullied every day AND failing school?

i guess i’m failing at the staying home and being a mom thing too. awe.some.

and did i mention that i’m still single?

why the fuck isn’t there more wine at this pity party?

SILVER LINING:

i have a washer and dryer installed and working.

i’ve learned how to make a damn good cup of coffee in the last few months.

i’ve learned how to do some awesome local online advertising.

i have my office unpacked and put together.

i have a good house that has kept us warm through some damn cold nights already this winter.

i have a good car that handles winter time like it’s a regular summer day.

i’ve got great people that aren’t ashamed to have a twilight marathon with me.

finally: i’m still able to convince the moody teenager to make an idiot of himself with his friend by doing broadway dance songs on the wii in exchange for zelda time. that’s kinda priceless.

ok. i’m going to start by shouting out random things that i want to make sure to cover, follow along: ultrasound, taco bell, tattoo, work, fish, the OTHER fish, therapy, friends

and go:

so. my oldest spawn has been feeling sick off and on for a little over a week. he’s had an upset tummy that’s gone north and south on him at the most random times- after eating, middle of the night, at school, sitting around doing nothing, out running errand...i haven’t been able to track it to food or activity or being particularly sick. he’s been complaining about how bad it hurts and it’s not getting better, so i decided to take him in to the doctor finally. first thing the doctor said: is he always this white? i laughed. see, we’re not just white people. we have to fucking TAN to reach white. casper the friendly ghost looks at us and goes DAMN BITCH, hit a beach once in a while! so it thought it was funny that the doctor pointed that out first.

anytwaddle. doc looks him over and can’t find anything, can’t pick out a pattern that i missed, a trigger that stands out so he orders a blood panel and an ultrasound. SPIFFY. at least it’s two days BEFORE i lose my insurance, not two days after. BUT. this means there’s only two days left of work and BOTH days i’m training my replacement which means _I_ can’t take spawn to the ultrasound. fuck. if i wait til i can take him there’s no insurance. but how do i work it while i still have it??? FUUUUUUUUCCCCKKK.

rescued: friend was able to take the spawn to the ultrasound for me (that’s a whole story in itself). spawn eats a fat free (as much as possible) dinner the night before, fasts, yadda yadda, goes to the ultra sound (I’M NOT A GRANDMA!) pictures of his belly, the whole works, back to school, long story short his belly looks normal, we’re waiting for blood work. whatever.

THE POINT: spawn has a tummy ache for a week. doctor worthy. ultrasound worthy. what does he do as soon as the ultra sound is over? asks my friend to take him to taco bell for lunch. THEN, later at school to impress friends, he eats packets of hot sauce.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

*slowly counting to ten*

yeah. i think i know what the stomach problem is. fuck. all that stress for nothing.

so. there’s taco bell and ultrasound off the list.

TATTOO!! the sleeve is basically finished! well, half sleeve. and all but the shading! HOORAY! there’s pics on my facebook. if you don’t follow my facebook, you’re lame and you dont’ deserve to see pictures. just kidding...LOOK, PICTURES!

fish: which to start with? there’s TWO fish at work here...ummm...i’ll take door number one bob:

if you’ve been hiding under a rock, here’s a news flash: i quit my job. technically i turned in the notice back in november, but tomorrow is finally the actual last day! dear st peter on the crapper...what have i done? i’m actually doing this! it’s really here!

so, the good people in my department took me out to lunch today to say goodbye- SO FUCKING SWEET. really. i’ll miss the people a TON. boss even asked me today if i’m going to come back to keep doing meals on wheels with him one wednesday a month. SO SWEET. so lunch: my boss also bought me a going away gift: a picture. a really fucking cool picture. it’s two fish bowls next to each other. one has a bunch of fish, the other only has one fish. in between the two bowls is one fish in the process of jumping from one bowl to the other...in support of me jumping out into the unknown and taking a new path. HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT??

i’m really going to miss the people. not so much the work, i’m really excited for the whole doing my own thing, but the people...damn, there’s some wicked awesome people there. i’ll have to stop in and say hi every now and again.

now to the other fish. yes, i signed up on plentyoffish again. all for you people. you know you love the train wrecks. so. here i am all optimistic about meeting some freaks and getting some great stories for you guys. then i have to go find a normal one that i actually kinda might be liking a little bit. so. sorry about that everyone. i’ll let you know when the inevitable happens and it goes up in flames. i’m sure it will be spectacular!

so. a few weeks ago a friend an i were laughing about what a hot mess i am at times and he jokingly suggested that it would take years of therapy to fix me. i laughed. he didn’t realize i’ve been in therapy (off and on) since i was 17. more off than on, but since lpsing my dad i’ve been going every two weeks to figure this whole mess out. and guess what: I’M NORMAL well, as normal as anyone could expect given the fucked up family i was raised with and the shit that’s hit the fan since then. but that’s life, you know? we all have our issues and shit hands that have been dealt to us at times. the important thing is how you deal with it and and how you work through it all. big news: i learned something important about myself: I AM A GOOD COMMUNICATOR. i’ve tried. i’ve tried FOREVER to learn how to talk to people, to think things through, listen more than i speak, make sure that what i’m saying is what i truly mean, so many different things. i’ve had many friendships and relationships end because of arguments and what i thought was my inability to communicate. i realize now that is probably partially true, but i was trying my damndest. i still have a TON of learning to do, we all do, BUT, I AM GOOD. so. .there’s that. it was a nice boost. a little affirmation.

and finally: friends: they’re amazing. everyone should get some. yes, cop out. i got tired and got side tracked and forgot what i was going to say. there’s that excellent communication at work...ha ha. anytwaddle. friends are good, i’ll think of the point to this after some sleep and get back to you. but for now: here’s the tip of the day: if you ever feel the need to sneeze but it’s a bad time, picture a purple cow with pink spots. sneeze: GONE. so. there. you learned something.

accusation

i can’t think straight this morning. i am so livid that i can’t focus on anything or even pretend to work until i get this out of my head.

this morning i was accused of using my kids (or taking them away) against a friend as punishment for an argument between us. i was accused of taking things that i know about her and using them against her to get back at her.

*deep breath*

i have NEVER. EVER. in my entire life, EVER done that to anyone. EVER. i am not a vindictive person. i do not sit around plotting ways to get back at people. i do not seek revenge. and i would NEVER, EVER use my kids as a form of punishment.

my gut wants to lash out and say “well, that makes sense. people that DO things like that would be more apt to accuse others of that.” i really feel that’s the truth. i have never, ever in my life, plotted against someone. i have never, ever thought about what would hurt someone the most based on their history or experiences and then done something to intentionally cause hurt. to even be accused of that is one of the most egregious things.

i guess it goes to show that even the people i thought knew me don’t know me at all. i honestly can’t believe someone would accuse me of that. and to say that i used my kids as a form of punishment. i am livid about that accusation. even in the WORST of my divorce, the worst of my fights with the oldest spawns father, the worst of the fights with my mum (before i had to cut all ties for safety), i never, EVER, EVER brought my kids into things. my ex-husband had a toxic, horrible relationship, but when it came to our son, i would set that aside and allow him visitations because it was best for my son. he has since chosen not to exercise that right, but to this day, i would happily put my issues aside if it meant my son had a father figure. yes, even knowing what a toxic person he is, because when push comes to shove it is still his father and half of who he is.

the oldest spawns father and i used to go rounds. there were times when we HATED each other. we were young and stupid and angry. but that NEVER came between the spawn and his father. sure there were drop off/pick up sessions where NOTHING was said between the father and i, but my spawn still had his visits. same with my mum. as mad as i would be at her, if the kids wanted to see her, they were more than allowed to because it’s good for them to have contact with family.

even with this friend now- whatever our issue is, i have never once stopped the oldest spawn from email her or calling her. so to be accused of taking them away from her as a punishment…it just makes no sense.

i just. *sigh* i can’t imagine that i’m being accused of being that person. i don’t even have the capability to be that person. there have been times where i WISHED i could be that person. i wished i knew how to take revenge or play games or use things against people, but i can’t even begin to wrap my head around the how and the why and the energy and planning that it takes. it’s always fascinated me watching reality tv because those characters are so foreign to me and i just can’t even imagine how they do it.

there has to be a point or a lesson in here somewhere. there needs to be something i take forward from this: i guess there can be a few things:

#1 you can never really know someone and what they truly think of you. guard yourselves, and always know who YOU are to be able to know when such accusations are truth or not. i will not question myself or who i am because of this because i know it is not even a fraction true. but it still hurts that someone could think this of me.

#2 i think what people portray on to you shows their own true colors. i really believe that an accusation like this must come from someone inclined to behave like this themselves. i don’t think i could ever accuse someone of behavior like this because it is the last thing i would ever think of doing and therefore wouldn’t even be an option of explanation to me. said another way: i don’t think i could ever accuse someone of acting out a behavior i couldn’t even think of doing myself. this is also the reason i would make a lousy cop. the things people do astound me every. single. day. i cant imagine the energy people put into some of the things they do. USE YOUR POWERS FOR GOOD, NOT EVIL. that’s a side track, but it still applies. mostly.

anytwaddle. vent over. i’m sure there are more lessons hidden in this one, but it will take me a while to get over the shock and be able to absorb them. so. for now. i’m purged. the anger is gone. and we’re moving forward.