the horse that wouldn’t die: douche-free dining

i know, I KNOW. i’ve done the douche thing. but this one wasn’t my fault. well, it was, but it wasn’t. THIS WAS A REQUEST. wait...i’d better start from the beginning.

so. friday i made an appointment to take the blue OUT of my hair. i know: SISSY. it only lasted one week. the truth is: i felt bad for making people do something they didn’t want to do. see…99% of people would react with a shocked “oh wow” or something along those lines, then they were forced to try to think of something polite to say to cover their moronic asses, and i just…you know, i felt bad for them. so this way they won’t have to try to think of anything to say. also: i got real tired real quick about correcting people: i did NOT turn into a smurf you fucking morons. smurfs had blue SKIN, not blue HAIR. even smurfette- she was blonde. so…you know…all those stupid smurf comments…you’re just making yourself look like a jackass. and i feel bad about that. so. you know. now they can find other ways to let their natural moronic colors shine through.

apparently moron is the word of the day.

SO. friday- went in to have my hair changed. i knew enough not to try to do it at home…turns out i was right: brunette + blue = forest green. didn’t really suit my skin tone. forest green + reddish brunette = normal. yes…it took TWO colorings to get it back to a natural, found in nature color…and not nature as in the forest, nature as in on a human.

anytwaddle. getting there, i promise: so: went in to have my hair fixed. and my salon gal was so excited to see me. turns out she had a problem that she just KNEW i would have the solution for. and- hold on…yoga stretch…don’t want to pull a muscle patting my own back…turns out: I DID HAVE THE SOLUTION.

problem: my darling hair goddess and her adorable husband have a favorite restaurant near their house. it seems the proprietor has been having a problem keeping the area douche-free. for those of you that live…well…anywhere, you know the abundant douche problem affecting this nation. so the problem the proprietor is having is very understandable. my hair goddess said they’ve all been talking about something they could post- a sign, SOMETHING to help combat the douche problem, and immediately i came to mind…she knew i would have just the thing to help. i did not disappoint. now…i wrote this list for her on the fly and didn’t keep a copy of it, so here, to the best of my memory ability (read: i have the mental capacities of dory the blue fish when it comes to memory) is the list for her (now with comments/additional details!):

we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone. (standard restaurant sign)

we reserve the right to refuse service AND MOCK the following: (my type of restaurant sign)

anyone wearing a hat that is tilted or “adjusted” in any way. 12:00 is the ONLY acceptable position for a hat. 12:05- NO. 2:30- NO. 6:00- HELL NO and you should be slapped. when did it even become acceptable to wear a hat at the dinner table? really…MANNERS PEOPLE.

anyone who refers to any member of the staff at any point in time as bro, dude, or dawg. i don’t care if they ARE your brother- which, if they are, you should know AND USE their real name.

anyone whose skin is not a natural shade found in nature outside the fruit food group.

anyone that has a swagger not directly the result of a documented medical condition or missing limb.

anyone showing any part of their undergarments. congratulations, i’m proud of you for remembering to put them on this morning, but i really do NOT need to see your spongebob boxer shorts or your jewel accented g-string. COVER THAT ISH UP.

anyone (male specific) that orders FOR or BEFORE their date.

anyone that makes three or more substitutions/changes to a regular menu item. no, you cannot substitute the cucumber on your salad for chicken and have alfredo instead of ranch, and replace the lettuce with fettuccine. YOU’RE MAKING A WHOLE NEW DISH YOU FUCKING MORON. if you don’t like the options available, please feel free to go somewhere else…or…really out there: COOK FOR YOUR OWN DAMN SELF.

**anyone (female specific) wearing leggings as pants.

**anyone over the age of 12 that things a velcro wallet is acceptable

**anyone who feels the need to take up the space of 4 normal people by “relaxing” at their table. congratulations on your flexibility, i’m just so happy to know that you can effectively do the splits while slouching in your chair that is pushed back 483 feet from the table but sit up straight, keep the path ways clear, and keep your damn knees together. actually- please feel free to apply that last suggestion OUTSIDE the restaurant also. society really doesn’t need more douchlings running around.

**anyone who argues EVER. SINGLE. CHARGE. on the bill and then doesn’t leave a tip.

**anyone who treats their waiter/waitress as their own personal servant. they are PEOPLE. and they deserve respect. please and thank you are still recognized words in the english language (although they are becoming rare).

so…there you have it. if you know a restaurant overrun with douche, please feel free to pass this along.

**added today- not part of the original list (that i can remember…they may have been…i really don’t know).

douche hunting

ok kids. i know i’ve already covered the topic of douches, but, like any good writer, i know when there’s a solid opportunity to beat a dead horse well into the ground and drag out a topic just a bit longer. so here we go.

one thing that people always say to writers is: write what you know. well, growing up in the northwest corner of BFE there’s two thing i’ve learned plenty about in my lifetime: #1: hunting. there’s big game hunting, deer hunting, coyote hunting, duck hunting, mullet hunting...you get the idea. the other: #2 douchebags. i’ve had more than my fair share of experiences with them. so. writing what i know...combining the two things together: DOUCHE HUNTING.

additionally, in the scary world of dating there has recently been this development of “players” or “pick up artists”.  this is the douche way of hunting women. i say let’s turn the tables and teach douche hunting. so. this shall serve as your guide.

if you read the post the other day about what (is) a douch, you should already be familiar with several douche terms. i would like to now throw in a few additional hunting specific terms before i get to the actual stalking of your prey just to make sure we’re all on the same page:

what is a group of douches called? there’s a herd a deer, a flock of geese, a murder of crows...but what is a group of douchebags called? a fraternity. a fraternity of douche.

douchetard: a douche who doesn’t realize he’s a douche. he’s either in deep denial or truly oblivious to what is an obvious stank of douche to those around him. when hunting it is best to avoid douchetards as it is unethical to pick of the weakest link in the herd...no one likes an easy kill. additionally, it may be difficult to get a clean shot on a douchetard as they may miss social cues or advances and spoil the hunting trip by tipping off the rest of the fraternity.

douchebait: someone who has recently been through some sort of break up or tragic event. while having douchebait with you is optimal, it is not required since there are generally plenty of douches around and baiting one may not be necessary. just in case though, good douchebait is someone who has the air of wounded/broken spirit about them. if you have a friend who has recently been crying, in a dramatic fight, or has just left a serious partner the scent they give off will be an instant attractant to any douche within a 10 mile radius. as this bait is so potent, make sure you do not have several such friends with you with you at any time. you will be surrounded and overcome by douche, and there will be no escape.  additionally, if you happen to be going through something painful or tragic, it may be best to stay home until the moment has passed to prevent any unwanted douche attacks.

douche hunting gear: if you plan on going out douche hunting, like any sport it is important to have the right gear and apparel. stiletto heels, short skirts, “party shirts” and several spackeled on layers of make up will produce the best results when combined properly.  for skirts: anything that has a flash potential and hugs the RIGHT curves will do. for shirts, you want something that supports and displays your girls without giving away the farm. a good glimpse is optimal so make sure the shirt is snug and low cut, but not tight and threatening to overflow. as to make up, think tammy faye baker. there is NEVER enough eye shadow or rouge, the thicker the better, and if you are completely unrecognizable as yourself after the make up is applied then you are close to a perfect result.  to be safe you may want to add one last layer of everything. remember, it will be dark, and you do not want the douche to recognize you at any other time.

now that we have the proper terms and gear, it’s time go hunt some douche.

fraternity’s of douche generally come out at night. optimal hunting is between the hours of 10 pm and 1 am.  hours can be extended past 1 am, but the risk of the douche being too inebriated are statistically higher, and to get the best kill the douche needs to be alert and aware of what is going on at the time.

with your douche gear in place, venture out at night and head towards any spot promoting “ladies night”, “djimcoolerthananyone”, or any place with low priced drinks/shots.  once inside your hunting spot, pick a place with good visibility of the bar, the dance floor, and the entrance to the ladies room as fraternity’s of douches are known to congregate in these places. when picking out your target make sure you select a douche with a large crowd around him. the larger the potential audience, the greater the kill will be.

with the selected kill in your sights, slowly move in with your douchebait and wait for the fraternity to notice you.  if this hasn’t happened in .32 second, you may need to lower your shirt 1/4 of an inch or make your bait dissolve into tears. in extreme hunting situations, any girl on girl action will also instantly grab the attention of a surrounding fraternity. be careful when pulling out the big guns though as this may attract several fraternity’s at the same time creating a douche-off situation which is never good for anyone.  you will know when the douche has noticed you as he will begin a series of “guranteed to work” pick up artist lines, lame conversation starters, or awkward “i’m really into you” questions.  carefully lure the douche into conversation, allow him to buy you a drink, encourage him to oogle your best assets through subltle body movements. carefully plan your moment for the perfect strike.  when the surrounding fraternity of douche are paying attention and when you douche is feeling particularly confident you can make your strike.  
there are several ways to go for a take down:

#1 BEFORE he asks for your number, casually ask if he’s single. no matter what the true answer is, you can be assured that the douche will answer to the affirmative.  he thinks he’s in. you will see a slight glow build in his eyes. there will be a change in body movement, something akin to a really lame cobra getting ready to strike. as soon as he as answered affirmative, let him know how glad this information makes you because you have a gay friend that would be PERFECT for him. if you have an actual gay friend with you, or someone wiling to assist your hunt by playing a gay friend, the results will be EPIC.  motion for them to join you at this point and watch the douche slowly crumple and lose life. you will know your stike has been successful when you hear a large “ooooooo” sound from the surrounding fraternity, or any number of loud, angry, “I’M NOT GAY’’ statements emerging from your target.  well done.

#2 if you have not been able to strike before the douche asks for your phone number, you can go for a secondary strike. (*side note: it is a well know fact that douche enjoy being able to collect phone numbers and compare tally numbers at the end of the evening.) when the douche makes his move and asks for your digits, there are several options- you could wound, maim, or go for a kill.
wound: respond with: A) i would love to give you my number, but my boyfriend (or girlfriend) would get really mad. this leaved the douche slighty wounded, but also believing he has a change to lure you away from your imaginary partner.

maim: respond with: A) “oh, i’m not looking for a relationship right now, but you seem like a really great guy and it would be great to be friends.” mentioning the “FRIEND” word around a douche will stun him and send him into a stupor. all douche know that being the mayor of the friendzone is one foursquare badge they do not want to unlock.

kill: respond with: “i’m sorry, i thought you were gay. i was actually going to ask for your number to pass along to a friend of mine. you would be PERFECT for him.” calling a douche’s sexuality into question is the ultimate kill. they are extremely unsecure in this area of life. it will be the ultimate attack on their weak spot and they will fall hard. the douche may issue a few tourettes like death phrases along the lines of “you bitch”, “youre a cunt”, any number of expletives, or half sentences and mutterings. there will be a general uproar from the rest of the fraternity sounding like half laughs/gasps/defenses of their fallen comrade. the douche may stalk angrily away, or lapse into complete silence.

a common mistake in douche hunting for beginners is thinking that they somehow misread their target and picked out a non-douche. this is a clever decoy tactic by the fraternity. some have evolved over time to make sure one of their pack is less douche-like, but be assured this is just a decoy.  do not at any time give out a number (real or fake) as this will only strengthen the fraternity and their mistaken sense of importance in the social world.

when douche hunting, it is best not to try to pull off multiple kills in the same night. it is time consuming, and generally degrading.  additionally, try not to pull off too many kills in the same general location as the fraternity’s do have some small evolution skills and may begin to ignore even the strongest of bait. if you start to notice only the douchetard of the group picking up on the scent of the bait, you know that it is time to move on to new hunting ground or call it a night. all hunters develop their special skills or tricks, and i encourage all you to do the same. go with what works for you.

happy douche hunting darlings.

what (is) a douche

and now, by popular demand (hey...one IS popular in my world. suck it): the world of douche according to me:

the other day i had a parenting fail moment: my oldest son heard me use a word and he had to ask me what that word meant. the word my friends was douche. it saddens me to my very core that i have let my oldest spawn reach this level in life (12) without a proper introduction to one of today’s most common words. see, i have a particular detestment (its a word. shut it) of/for douches. i have devised many, MANY ways to describe said “people” (and i say “people” using the term very loosely) and yet, somehow, i have failed to educate my children on this very important matter. so, as part of educating my children, i also pass my knowledge on to you.

we’ll start simple: what IS a douche?

a douche is an asshat. a fuckwit. bastard, prick, scallowag, tosser, jerk. he lacks any form of respect for any person other than himself on this planet because he is (in his own teeny tiny mind) better, faster, stronger, smarter, more charming than every other person in the history of time. he is, of course, the ultimate gift to women, the epitome of man’s man, and all around example of what we all wish we could be. outside of his teeny tiny mind (in other words, to the rest of us) he’s the guy we all put up with but no one really knows why other than to have someone to always provide something to talk about. he regularly makes a complete fool of himself, is scorned by everyone he 6-degrees-of-separation comes in contact with, and is regularly mocked by everyone at every given opportunity. a veritable peter peaCOCK strutting his stuff, trying to impress the ladies and outdo all the other cocks in the henhouse.

how do you recognize a douche? the height and build may vary, but a douche will always look like they’ve been in a horriffic battle with a bottle of LA Looks, a costco size bag of glittery fleur de lys and roman catholic crosses, and a bottle of bleach (hair, jeans, teeth...everything has been hit EXCEPT the skin which is usually a color never found in nature). the traditional douche will not be able to walk- he will have a “strut” comparable to what it would look like if regular person had been kicked in the knee by a horse, run over by a freight train, and had one arm partially severed in a ninja battle. there is an odd medical condition that affects most douches wherein their head is barely connected to their neck and bobs back and forth at random times. one *MIGHT* think that this is a feeble attempt recognition/greeting until they realize that no one in the room actually know the person, or if they did for any reason, would never publicly acknowledge this.

a few other simple things about douches:

their habitat: any dark club, hang out joint, social gathering area or home that is NOT theirs. they would invite you to their place, but their mom doesn’t allow company after 9:30.

their food: anything cooked by a woman. duh. that’s a woman’s only purpose in life. well, besides telling the douche how big their muscles are. if the woman can compliment muscles WHILE they cook: bonus.

transportation: two options:

#1: a friend’s car as theirs is (indefinitely) being “tricked out”

#2: a lowered honda with blacked out windows, a 7-14” spoiler, low profile tires, a bitchin’ stereo system, and ed hardy EVERYTHING (window stickers, seat covers, floor mats, air fresheners, steering wheel cover, and a sweatshirt in the back seat among the red bull cans).

so. now that we know what a douche is and how to recognize one, let’s delve deeper into a vocabulary i have created to deal with these “people”:

douche-a-palooza: an unusually large gathering of douches or a large ratio of douche to regular people. generally happens at “manly” events: UFC fights, monster truck rallies, strongest men competitions, and anything taking place in the state of new jersey.

“you have a little douche on you”: a good friend might say this as a warning. you may have inadvertently come in contact with a douche, said something particularly ridiculous, or picked out an outfit in the dark and left the house before you noticed. this should serve as a yellow warning. it is not a red light, but you should definitely proceed with caution.

douchetastic: something that would only be considered cool, relevant, important by a douche.

dante’s level of douchedom: much like the levels of hell, there are levels of douchedom. some are douches without know it (hard to believe, but it happens). some know they are douches, but choose to ignore the fact and some are douches and proud of it. the lowest level of douchedom is reached when one douche calls out another douche to a third party. when you have a douche calling a douche a douche...DAMN GINA. that’s about as low as it gets kids.

douche-ocity: the speed at which a seemingly normal person can turn into a complete and total douche. often measured in zero to douche parameters. common measurements are: women’s breast sizes, number of drinks, seconds after hearing someone mock them, and number of “manery” (accessories for guys). you may hear such things as: zero to douche in 34.DD, or zero to douche in 2 appletini’s, or zero to douche in 6 pleather wrist wraps.

in-douched: to cause vomiting or other severe reaction by any exposure to a douche. prolonged exposure to a douche can cause severe side effects such as the desire to tan for 18+ hours a day or purchase a bump-it. in extreme cases involuntary fist pumping has been witnessed.

douche-canoe: when a douche is so full of bullshit you need a canoe to escape the situation. past a hip-wader or eyes turning brown scenario. often, this type of douche is referred to as the “one upper” or “the guy who has done everything”. while it can be fun to concoct stories for the douchecanoe to try to out do, it can also lead to severe brain injury and the desire to stab your own ear drums.

finndouchiary: their level of public trust in the fact that this person is indeed a true and complete douche. the more confident the public is that the person is a complete and total douche, the higher their finndouchiary rating.

and finally:

douchectomy: the process of removing a douche from your life. this can be a painful and slow process as the douche will rarely catch on or be aware of the process that is happening. the support of several friends is imperative when attempting a douchectomy. preferred methods are quick and thorough. if any traces or small ties are left back to the douche in question, the process will not take and will have to be repeated at a later date in time. the procedure can be painful and confusing at times. some douches may lash out and ramble incoherently or make outlandish accusations as an attempt to *shock and awe* their prey. some may try to change the conversation or distract from the goings on. fortunately, with a good support system, a plan of attack, and a strong resolve, most doucectomys are successful and allow people to resume full, happy, and douchefree lives.

there you have it kids: you learned something today.

you’re welcome.