fresh start

it is officially the new year.

2013 is all of 34 minutes old and already i'm a bit of a fan.

13 is my lucky number- odd, but what else would you expect from me? so here's to a lucky year!

this is the first year i've ever gone out for new years- it was a nice quiet evening at a local wine bar with delicious appetizers and dinner as well as a few bottles of wine and a champagne toast at midnight (and a great view of the fireworks from the bay window). great friends, good food, good wine- pretty damn good start to the new year.

27 minutes after new year i was home snuggly and safe in my own home, delivered safely by a designated driver. as nice as it was to be out, it's nice to be home because i love my home, i love my spawns and at the end of the day, it's where i want to be.

going forward into 2013 i've made a few GOALS, not resolutions. resolution sounds a bit too terrifying for me- if you don't meet your resolution then it's a slow torturous death in the secret chamber sucking away a year at a time for you. at least that's what it seems like.

now, i've never been a new years resolution kinda girl. i've never been any kind of goal/resolution girl to tell you the truth. i never planned on college when i was in high school. i've never been one for a 5 year plan or a 10 year plan. i'm a slight commitment-phobe to tell the truth. setting goals or making resolutions means you have to stick to things. never been very good at that.

i've never had a car payment more than a year. my longest relationship was 23 months, most average 3 months. i bought my house in one check- no 60 year mortgage for me. i've moved 13 times in 13 years. i've managed to keep plants alive for 5 years- that's pretty damn remarkable, but then again they're plants and don't require much (although i can't remember the last time i watered them...that streak may be ending soon).

i'm just not a commitment kinda girl. i'm not a plan kinda girl. i'm not sure what kind of girl i am.

BUT. this year i'm changing some of that. can't say all of it...baby steps here people. come on now...let's be reasonable.

so. i'm making a plan. i'm making several plans. i'm trying to keep them reasonable so they're achievable. i get the whole "shoot for the stars, at least you'll hit the moon" bullshit, but i'm doing damn good to even be shooting, so lets not get all wild and crazy here.  but PLANS: i'z gots them.

proper grammar isn't on the list apparently.

here's to 2013:

1 dinner party a month: i love to entertain. i love to cook. i love my dining room. i've spent WAY TOO MUCH MONEY collecting fancy serving plates and such that rarely see the light of day. so i'm fixing that. ONE dinner a month is totally reasonable and FUN! that's the goal at least. i'll be PLANNING (so strange to use that word) out each month SOON so people can get it on the calendar and join up. a chance to cook fancy shit, share wine and fun, and just...BE SOCIAL. i'm excited.

4 meals at home a week: yes, this should be a no brainer. BUT. with the spawns and schedules- we end up eating out WAY too much. add in the "i don't like that" chorus or the "we don't have the stuff to make that" answer when they do want food at home- it's unhealthy and we're making a change! three nights a week is doable. more than doable. i haven't actually been keeping track- we may be there or close already. we'll start PLANNING meals in advance, grocery shopping more specifically, getting things ready ahead of time (defrosting meat for example). here's to family dinners and healthier eating.

working out: i had written down daily, but let's start with 3 days a week and work up from there. healthier, not skinnier is the goal. i need to get on it for several reasons- TOP of the list is to get the fucking WII to stop saying "that's obese" although i have a feeling that may never happen. stupid WII. but it needs to happen for my gallbladder, for my health, for my self esteem- it just needs to happen. i have my office set up with plenty of space, i'm committed to getting up earlier in the mornings (night just never works out), and making other changes (going to bed earlier) to help keep on track.

one blog post a week: i need to write more. writing is my way of working out what's in my head, checking in, doing SOMETHING. i need to write more than when things are shitty or when something crazy is going on (London Calling anyone?). i need to get in a habit of just putting things out there, good, bad, indifferent. as long as it's something. once a week is perfectly reasonable- there's enough time on the weekends if not during the week. no reason it can't happen.

home: i'm going to keep working on it. i did the initial push before i moved in and i've just been sitting staring at what isn't finished for the last year and a half. i'm going to work on recycling more, planting a garden, doing the landscaping that i planned on all last summer and never even started. i'm going to make my outdoor theater a reality. i'm going to find a way to get a fucking bathroom door. there will be a deck railing before the end of summer and a beautiful back lawn- drunk tank and all. i'm going to make home a place that my kids and i LIVE instead of just coming home to at the end of the day. i want it to be a place for us AND FRIENDS to feel comfortable and welcome. i want dinner parties and bbq's and memories. i want art work and family pictures and character. i want HOME. a real home. laughter, noise, chaos, movie nights, birthday parties, wine nights, football games. ok...maybe not so much on the football games. i mean- i'm willing to host, just don't expect me to watch or be excited.

so. HAPPY 2013. here's to changes and making things better and setting goals. i know none of these are long term goals- i'm not saying anything too out there. I'M STILL WORKING ON IT. more to come on that. i'm trying to figure out what i want to be when i grow up now that i'm well up. but. this is a start.

off to bed- that was my first achievement of the year- a clean, fresh, beautiful new room for new years, and I DID IT. rearranged the furniture, washed all the bedding (pillows and all), baking soda/vacuumed the mattress, i went ALL OUT. i even researched feng shui to make sure i was going as much as possible to make it a good space. i'm excited to curl up and snuggle in for my first new, fresh night in this shiny new year.

cheers darlings, may 2013 be a great year for all.

a farewell to 2010

well, another year is coming to an end. i'm not sure what it means any more- the changing of one year to another. do i believe that magically over night with the dropping of a ball, a ton of glitter, and the consumption of way too much alcohol by the general public things will suddenly be all better? that all the shit that happened over the last calendar year will be put away and never thought of again?

no. i do not. i don't particularly understand the big celebration- it's just turning another calendar page. it's another way of marking time passing- and we all know time is passing too quickly anyway. no need to celebrate it and egg it on and make it think we're happy it's getting away from us so quickly.

do i have any big resolutions for the new year? no. my resolutions started a few years ago when loved ones started checking out early. my resolution to enjoy time with the people i love more. to let them know how much i love them. to spend more time making myself happy and less time doing what i'm "supposed" to be doing just because i think i'm "supposed" to be doing it. to let go of things that are unhealthy, no matter how hard it may be. to embrace things that promote me being the best self i can be an in that being the best mom and friend i can be.

was 2010 a particularly bad year? yeah, it was. any worse than 2009? not really. any worse than 2003? not really. any worse than most years in my history? well, yeah, it was. but it was also a good year. life changed. devastating things happened. but i wasn't the only one they happened to though. and though all the shit some really happy things came to pass. i was able to find really healthy people to surround myself with. i was able to take trips and go places for the first time ever. i was able to take my first family vacation with my kids. i will be able to take a full year off to see what i want to be when i grow up and learn how to be a better mom and friend and person. i've learned empathy and compassion and understanding and that life does continue on even when the worst possible thing that you could ever imagine has happened. i've learned the difference between grieving death and celebrating life. i've learned that even in the middle of terrible darkness there can be laughter and love and support and friendship. i've learned that life will reflect what you want to make it reflect. if you focus on the bad, then everything will be bad, everywhere you look there will be problems around every corner will be illness, drama, hurt, more bad. if you focus on the good  you will find happiness, friendship, support, love, health, good memories. yes, the bad still happen, but you can look past and through them to find what you can take from it and use to help yourself grow.

i'm starting to sound like one of those people that i hate...i'm not sure when exactly i became a pollyanna fucking sunshine, but there it all is in text. so. i guess i am.

i just know that if anyone get to complain about what a shitty year it is, i hold that trump card, but i'm not going to play it. i would rather instead focus on the great last birthdays i had with my dad, the great first holidays i had with my kids, the great first trips i got to take with (or to visit) friends. i would rather look back and know that we made the best of the worst than just stop and look at the worst.

i'm still crying while i type this. it's still really fucking hard. it still sucks to look back and admit all that's happened over the last two years. it's too much to sit still and think about. it still takes my breath away and stops me in my tracks at the strangest moments. but that's ok. those will happen for many years. there will  be many good years to come. i'm sure there will be many more bad years to come too. it's all about balance. 

anytwaddle- happy calendar change day. happy start writing the wrong date on checks for a month. happy night to get smashingly drunk and kiss a stranger at midnight. or happy get smashingly drunk and kissing the one you're with. happy make a bunch of new resolutions that you wont keep. one way or another: HAPPY. happiness to all of you. may you learn to see the good and celebrate it. may you be surrounded by people that you love from here forward. may you truly have a HAPPY new year.

happiness, rainbows, unicorns and all that other schmoopy shit- from our family to yours.