what's the point?

one of the most fascinating things to me is the way the universe delivers messages.

who knew that my 28 year old going through a break up and yell-crying at me on the phone about what’s even the point? and being alone forever! would rattle loose the same issues i’ve been fighting with since…well…1980? maybe that’s dramatic. it was probably closer to 1990 before those thoughts hit. 

what even is the point? to all this? is it just to survive one shit storm before the next hits and hope there’s as little overlap as possible? is it just to make it through two weeks of work to pay your bills before the next two weeks and the next set of bills is due? what even IS the point of any of this??? ESPECIALLY when it’s all on fire and terrible anyway?

is alone the forever answer? is it? i’ve known it was my path since the late 90’s. some of us aren’t meant to be part of something more. some of us are solo fliers for this incarnation. some lessons you can only learn alone.

so, i don’t know dude. maybe it’s hereditary. maybe it’s bad examples. it is my journey this time around. i don’t know if it’s yours.

i thought i had dealt with those questions a long time ago. i thought i had made my peace with the uncertainty, the fear, the pain, the desolation of those questions.

maybe not so much.

i blame the moon.

more specifically the eclipse.

can’t and don’t wanna lie- having those questions reintroduced to my brain, especially from an apple that came directly from my tree? it fucked me up. i know those questions VERY well. i have stacks and stacks of journals from trying to deal with those questions.

especially from my 20’s.

especially after my divorce.

picking those questions back up in my 40’s is painful. painful in a new way, painful in the old way.

i remember EXACTLY what it felt like when those thoughts used to crush me. sitting alone with two kids from two different dads. sitting alone with no family, no support system. sitting alone with a very mean brain and a LOT of trauma and emotional abuse. whew. that pain came FLOODING back. that absolute chest cracking emptiness. that deep, dark, vicious blame of brokenness and wongness and too muchness. that need to contort and shift yourself into something, ANYTHING acceptable but you have no idea what that even is or how to even do it. that shame and blame when you see everyone else around you partnered up and settling down and having purpose and drive and success and you’re just…not. the analyzing. the self flagellation. the debilitating criticism and critiques. HATING yourself because someone really mean taught you the common denominator theory and YOU are the only common denominator.

whew. it flatlined me. literally. flat on my floor, face down in the dark, flatlined me. 

i know that loneliness. when you go home after work to an empty apartment. when you go through a breakup and lose the person you thought MAYBE THIS TIME with. when friend groups shift and you lose the friend and the people around the friend. when family just doesn’t include you. when you’re profoundly alone. 

HOWEVER, the messages around this eclipse have been very clear: let go of what’s not working for you. old habits, old people, old situations,

OLD HARMFUL THOUGH PROCESSES THAT AREN’T TRUE OR REAL.

and, as real as all those feelings are, or were, as hard as that hit me, as much as it hurt, as much as i thought i had dealt with them…

I HAD.

and i remembered.

what is the point to all this?

LOVE.

well, isn’t that ironic considering the second half of that question? am i going to be alone forever?

maybe.

probably.

that doesn’t mean i can’t love.

THOSE WHO CAN, DO

THOSE WHO CAN’T, TEACH

i might not have some grand mighty purpose. i might not have the epic love story. i might be alone and drifting with no goal in sight.

BUT I CAN LOVE.

love is the point. love is the purpose. the reason. leave the world better than you found it: THAT is the point. help others not feel this way. that’s the point. if you can’t find it, BE IT.

BE WHAT YOU NEEDED WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER.

i know this.

it just took me a minute to remember.

and maybe a half a box of kleenex and a not insignificant amount of weed.

i know how much i want love. i know what i want love to look like. i know how many times i’ve walked away because that’s NOT what i wanted love to look like.

side track: did you know you can do that?

you’re allowed to say THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT LOVE TO LOOK LIKE and leave.

they say i love you but constantly disrespect you? lie to you? emotionally harm you? nitpick and tear you down? they love you but ignore your needs? they love you but don’t listen to you or hear you?

you’re allowed to say THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT LOVE TO LOOK LIKE.

i personally want love to look kind. funny. supportive. financially responsible. emotionally safe. sexually exciting. i want love to look like I GOT YOU, not figure it out. i want love to look like you fascinate me, not holy fuck you’re too much.

i digress, or, more accurately, can’t walk two idea lines at the same time, even if they are parallel.

yes, i am alone. yes, loneliness is hard. yes, maybe i’ll be alone forever, because i know what i want love to look like and i won’t settle for less.

AND ALSO, circling back, it hurts because even though i know i learned my lessons and maybe just needed a refresher course, my kid is learning those lessons NOW.

he hasn’t learned how to be comfortable being alone. he hasn’t learned how to turn down the voices in your head yet. to be fair, i still can’t turn them off either, but i’ve learned to turn them down and tune them out. those are HARD lessons. they took me into my 40’s and a global pandemic locking my ass in a studio apartment by myself to learn. 

it’s a particular new hurt when i realized the apple didn’t even fall off the tree. that poor kid got a damn carbon copy of my shitty brain. they really just said copy + paste + add cancer emotions. at least i’m a cold heartless virgo. that poor little water sign gets alllllll the emotions. it’s hard watching someone else go through a pain you know inside and out. it’s hard when there’s only so much i can help. i’m still mom. i’m still don’t know anything. small bits are starting to crack through. some of my intelligence is returning. some of my hard earned sage wisdom is appreciated, but at the end of the day, i’m still mom.

and so it hurts. in new ways. in old ways.

AND ALSO: i’m ready to let go of that hurt. one of the messages today: what if the miracle is finally being free? walking up and realizing the thing you cried over, prayed over, almost lost yourself over doesn’t have power over you any more?

i’m glad the universe brought this back up. i’m glad i was able to remember AND see how it’s changed. i’m glad i can let that thought go. i’m glad i can let that hurt be healed. i’m glad i can look back at the pain, love it for reminding me that i do have feelings. i always have. i’m glad it showed me how much i’ve grown. i’m glad it showed me that i can let it go. completely forever. i fought that battle. i have MY answer. 

i’m glad i can recognize that my son’s pain is not my pain AND i can be there for him through it. i don’t have to let it hurt me anymore and i can help him learn how to ease that same hurt. i can help him find HIS answer. 

WHAT’S THE POINT?

love.

if you don’t have it, BE IT. if you can’t find it, CREATE IT. if no one has said it to you, say it to every other person.

i don’t believe in jesus but i do believe in dolly parton and miss mona said: “if i see someone without a smile, i just give em one of mine.”

then she sang i will always love you and rode off into the sunset with ed earl and i cried an ugly cry even though i’ve seen it a hundred times. ANYWAY.

BE THE LOVE.

that’s the point.

the hardest breakup

i have to break up with my bar.

i know that sounds like a stupid sentence, but when it’s been the place you go, FOR YEARS, it feels like a pretty big deal.

i’ve been going to the same bar, off and on, for dang on forever. i’ve said it before, i’ll say it a thousand times: as a single woman, when you find a good bartender, you stick with them. to be realistic, there have been some gaps over the years- when i moved to the valley, the covid shutdown, some mental health hermit phases, but for the most part, same bar. same ass. same barstool. years. 

it started as therapy- i was required to go out where the people are at least once a week. two hours at the bar is two drinks, then i can go home. my therapist thought it was weird i had to come up with a whole plan and a math equation to be able to do it, but I DID IT, so that’s what counted.

as the years progressed, some nights i ended up staying out and talking to people. some nights i took people home. some nights i barely stayed for a shot, some nights i knew better than to take that last shot. i’ve been there at opening and i’ve closed down the bar.

i know the bartenders. i know the regulars. it’s got the good patio with the good traffic to watch. it’s got good art and 90’s music from high school. it has great fries and it had good burgers (pulled from the menu, sad days). it’s comfortable. it’s familiar. it’s my living room away from home.

and it’s time to say goodbye.

there have been warning signs popping up over the last few months that i’ve been diligently trying to ignore: then nights when there’s not a single familiar person and i feel like a stranger. the nights when the energy is so wrong i can’t imagine how i ever felt at home.

i remember one night after a work on a sunday a few months ago, nothing special, no chaos, no drama, nothing strange, but i just sat at the bar and felt SO EXTREMELY OUT OF PLACE. three people. one bartender. sports on the tv. nothing. literally nothing. not a comment, not a side eye, not a weird conversation. nothing. just me, sitting in the quiet thinking WHY AM I HERE? this doesn’t feel like me. i should have walked out then, instead i convinced myself the feeling would pass.

spoiler alert: it hasn’t passed.

there’s ways the universe lets you know.

nights when the whole bar is an eskimo village. nights when your tab is triple because they charge you the wrong price but you don’t want to argue. nights when you listen to people go on unhinged transphobic and homophobic rants that make trans patrons cry. nights when you notice everyone going to the bathroom two by two and you don’t remember signing up for a ski trip. the moment you realize that even though 90% of patrons are gay, they won’t put up a pride flag because they “don’t want to be known as that.”

nights when you just realize- this is no longer for me.

i’ve been in my head a lot lately; filled up most of a journal in just the last month. there’s been a lot of signs that change has been coming. i didn’t know from where. tried a job interview. tried going out with new people to new places. tried looking for new clothes online. i’ve felt it coming, but honestly didn’t expect the universe to take aim at my bar.

MY BAR?

really?

last night the hammer dropped pretty hard.

the word DISCERNMENT has been the sesame street word of the week at my house. discernment is one step beyond intuition to me. intuitions is the knowing; the deep gut knowing. you can’t explain it, there’s no proof, there’s no evidence or examples, but you KNOW. discernment is what you do with that knowing. is it important? is it relevant? what is it showing? how does it impact you? discernment separates and asks the question: now that you know, does this still belong here? discernment is the space between who you are, and who you are being. between the life you want and the life you’re maintaining.

while that message has been coming through, loud and clear, over and over, last night took the added step of adding to the message: what are you not letting go of? what no longer belongs? there’s something you’re not letting go of, and it’s obstructing you. OBSTRUCTING. not just blocking. not something you can work around. straight up OBSTRUCTED. do not pass go. something you’ve been using as avoidance and escapism. people who don’t have your best interest at heart. toxic people and backstabbers. you can’t be in those circles and settings any more. the longer you grip onto it, the more decay it will bring into your life.

ummmmmm…well. fuck.

i mean. jesus. do you have cameras IN THE BAR? well, i mean, i know there’s cameras in the bar. i just didn’t know my guides were…always…watching…and…like…

oh shut up.

of course they were watching and saw it all, even the things i didn’t or haven’t.

it’s a pretty clear message: let go or decay.

it’s a silly little change. it won’t be noticeable to anyone but me. my two hours on tuesdays and occasional saturday afternoon won’t be missed. i know i can go out where the people are without an assignment now. i know i’m not going to backslide to hermit mode. there’s no ripples in the pond from this decision. there’s no cataclysmic collapse of anything. i’ll get off the bus one stop later. i’ll walk home one block north. i’ll buy vodka lemonade seltzers to keep in my fridge and maybe a lawn chair to sit out front and watch traffic. life will go on, maybe even move forward.