get the fuck out already 2009

holy fuck. i can’t even begin to believe that it’s the end of 2009 already. i’ve lost track of the last few months…i knew the year end was coming, but HOLY FUCK…it’s here. the only thing i can say to 2009 as it slinks out the door is FUCK YOU 2009. YOU SUCKED. and i know it wasn’t just for me…this year sucked for everyone all the way around as far as i can tell. the year started off like shit and went downhill from there. BUT. i will say, there have been good points, there have been GREAT points to the year, it wasn’t a TOTAL loss, and i do realize that as shitty as this year was, i have as much to kiss the ass of karma for as i have to bitch about. when all the chips are down i have a great stable job with a boss i love, my bills are for the first time in a long time under control and i don’t have the dark cloud of credit cards looming over me (hell, i don’t even have credit cards at all), i have a great house that keeps us warm and happy, the kids are healthy, the car runs, there’s food in the cupboards, i’ve had the chance to learn more about myself, i’ve had the chance to help others, i’ve loved and lost, i’ve grown, i’ve learned. and push comes to shove I’M STILL HERE TO SHOVE BACK. that, in and of itself, is more of a victory than can really be expressed. can’t be all bad when you look at it that way. but make no mistake, this year SUCKED in a hard core way. here’s a brief year end review from out house:

january found us buried under a fucking TON of snow. my dad came up to help us shovel out and clear of the roof (since that landlord could have given a fuck less) and ended up wrecking out his elbow for a while. thanks for nothing mother nature.
feburary started out with a bang- my fuckhead landlord called and told me he was selling the house and i needed to get out as soon as possible. the REAL story turned out to be he wasn’t so much selling as trying to avoid foreclosure. turns out my rent hadn’t been paying the mortgage in a LONG time. nice. well done asshole. so started the first move of the year. we found a cute house and packed up and moved. good news was that it helped me clean house and get rid of things that were just sitting around taking up space. cleaned out the boys clothes/toys, miscellaneous closets, pared down furniture that was collecting dust/stacks of things. so not all bad. later in february started the family scares: got a call that my mum was in the hospital in colville. i decided that in the end i would rather know that i checked in on her rather than wishing i had checked in. so i drove to colville and saw her for the first time in a long time. thank heavens we avoided anything too serious with that one. as much as my mum and i don’t get along, i’m glad she’s still around and healthy (now).
march saw my youngest spawn turning SIX already. six. DAMN. wasn’t he just learning to walk? his kindergarten year was a challenge. march i was in and out of the principal’s office trying to get him extra help since his teacher didn’t care one way or the other. good times. we did a family hockey game with my dad and my older brother (and families) for the birthday celebration- it was good to have everyone here for an evening. big dinner at the spaghetti factory, hockey game, much love all around. we don’t do that nearly enough.
april was the first big hit by the shit train. found out a friend died from a heart attack at the age of 36. no warning. just GONE. we had talked a week before about getting together for lunch. i learned that you need to stop TALKING to people about getting together and GET TOGETHER ALREADY. do it. don’t plan any more. just call someone up and GO. tell them you love them every chance you get. josh was a creative, crazy, amazing person that i miss. he’s the only guy to ever cook me dinner. the first screen play i’ve read from a real person. he had amazing stories about traveling everywhere and doing the things he loved in life. he loved his friends, he adored his family, he was an amazing person.
may and june don’t really stand out- i think that was the only reprieve the year gave us. i know we spent MUCH time with friends at the coffee social. so many great nights of games, music, talking, just being there. for a short while that was a haven where we could just go and be and fit in. so many great memories of early summer nights there. the rest of the time i know we were doing things- kindergarten graduation, fixing up the lawn/garden of the house we were renting, a HUGE bbq with friends (really? 12 ears of corn for 3 adults and 2 kids?!?) in june right before school let out my youngest spawn had his tonsils removed. my dad was able to come stay with us for a few days when that went down which was fun. i also just remembered that was about the time we found out my dad had developed type 2 diabetes- he was shocked that i already knew what things he could and couldn’t eat, was checking in on him about his sugar levels and such…had that scare/threat myself a few years ago…not my first time at that rodeo. around the end of june it started to sink in that half my child support was not coming in, so i started looking at budget options and started to mutter about maybe moving again, but nothing for sure at that point. take a deep breath. i should have. june passed mostly quietly into july and that’s when the shit really began to hit the fan.
july was one great big mess from beginning to end. i know we (the kids and i) managed a few baseball games and fun nights, we celebrated my oldest sons birthday at the ball park, enjoyed the 4th of july with my dad in zillah shooting off literally a truck load of fireworks (not even kidding…the back of a ford f250 FULL of fireworks…nice being near a reservation!). i decided near the beginning of july that moving again was really the only way to go financially- it was either move again and have a little breathing room, or stay where we were at and be TIGHT all the time. neither option was really great, but i’d rather move one more time and have things be ok than be over my head again. so the moving process started. again. the search, finding a place, getting a plan together, packing…then the second big shit train hit. july 27th i picked up the phone and found out my sons step mother and infant brother had BOTH died during child birth. yes, you read that right (and you may have read other blogs about that too). they BOTH died during child birth- actually going into child birth. FUCK YOU 2009. WHY? i don’t get it. i didn’t get it then, i still can’t wrap my head around it now. the world i think literally stopped for a few days at our house, and we were on the fringes of the shock wave. every day shifted from standard bullshit to whatever could be done to keep things together, support my son (and his dad), a double funeral, the world basically being turned over and having the fuck shaken out of it like a snow globe that you thought was safe up on the top shelf being knocked off and shattering all over the fucking place. how the fuck do you deal with something like that as a person? as a parent? as a friend? as ANYTHING? things like that aren’t supposed to happen. ~sigh~ but they do. we somehow made it through that shock wave with a dose of moving thrown in the middle just for fucks sake. settled into the new house (which we LOVE more than anything). the world was just starting to right itself again, i had let the universe know what i thought of the shit move it had pulled more than once, things were calming down just a little and another call came in. my little brother had been in an accident. welcome to the beginning of august.
august 7th i got a call first thing in the morning that my little brother was in ICU at a hospital in seattle in a coma. he had been in an accident on his bike (pedal bike) and had fractured his skull requiring 4 hours of neuro surgery to relieve the bleeding on his brain. he was “ok” other than that. so aside from having his head cut open he was just fine. GREAT. as the world goes, at the same time my car decided to hate me and threatened to quit running so i was not able to make it over to see him. REALLY UNIVERSE? something as simple as a road trip? the days after that became a waiting game for phone call updates on how he was doing, when he would be allowed out of the hospital, how he was recovering. he did make a good recovery, had to relearn a few things, but did really well for how bad it was (literally minutes from not making it). the summer calmed down after that- it ended beautifully with bbqs a few times a week at the new house, new friends, new people in my life that were wonderful. so many great nights. “pool” parties, great conversations, many good drinks, just a lot of great nights to smooth things over for a while. the kids and i geared up for back to school- a big change this year with my oldest one heading off to a new school for advanced kids, the youngest starting 1st grade.
september was a great month. i had the best birthday i’ve ever had. EVER. dinner with my dad, a night out with friends, it was really great. especially since it was a wednesday…but when you turn 29 on 9.9.09 you HAVE to do it up big! my little brother called me for the first time ever (such a sad thing to admit) on my birthday and i talked to him for the first time since his accident. he was happy and healthy and excited about life, planning a trip over to see us and see our house for the first time. september was overall a good month. nothing too exciting. which was GOOD. very good.
october started out nice and mellow, kids excited about halloween. we went started going to a support group as a family to help my oldest son learn how to deal with the huge loss he went through earlier that summer. i was able to go out a few nights with friends here and there, something i haven’t done in years (at least not as often as i was able to for a while). things were great. suck a nice change from the middle of the year chaos. october 24th i woke up to my phone ringing at 8 in the morning which is NEVER a good thing. my older brother was calling to let me know that the night before my little brother (the one that had just been in the accident) had decided to end his own life. if you’ve read any of the other blogs you knew what was coming. like the shitty build up to the shitty climax that no one wants to read. let alone twice. so that day i got in my car and drove down to see my dad. we ended up going over to seattle to clean out my brother’s apartment that weekend also. it was the first time i had ever seen where he lived. after he died. i finally made it over to see where he lived, only after he died. ugh. i’ve covered all that in other blogs. i won’t get into it again here. the next weekend was his funeral (happy halloween everyone). and so ended october.
although november was just last month, i honestly can’t remember any of it. i know we went to see my dad for thanksgiving…which would have just been a few weeks ago. i know we did the therapy with a whole new added set of bullshit to work through. the rest of it is a blur. and here we are at christmas and new year. i cant remember much of december either. the rest of this year has just been a blur or trying to keep it together, drama off and on with the kids, drama off and on in my life. i let myself get all attached to someone and then remembered why that’s never a good thing: insert plenty of drama here. basically, the year went from shitty to FUCKED UP in the matter of a few months with a few breaks in the middle, but not much to salvage the reputation as the worst fucking year ever. as much shit as happened to me, i know i made it off easy. friends, family, everyone has had shit dumping down in a never ending reign of terror. deaths, lost jobs, injuries, bills, heart break. no one has survived the year unscathed in one way or another.
i won’t go into the pollyanna parade of crap again, but i DO realize how damn lucky i am in the middle of all this. but, overall, 2009 can piss off and get the fuck out already. here’s hoping 2010 will be a better year FOR EVERYONE.

i’m finishing this, i promise: i really want to say (through the tears…yes, i’m crying) i sincerely hope, with everything that is in me, that everyone has a great new years. i hope everyone gets to start the year off right tonight with someone they love. i hope you all let the people in your lives know how much you care about them. i really hope that this year looks up for everyone and that we can all have an easier go at it. to all of you in my life that have made it through this last year with me: thank you for being there and for still being there (seriously, im going to flood my stupid keyboard). each of you is in my life for a special reason, and i hope i’m giving the same back to all of you. may this new year truly be a happy one for all of us.

is it fight LIKE the devil? or fight the devil?

this won’t be funny. i’m sorry, if you were looking for funny, come back in a while. maybe a long while. it may take quite some time to get back to funny.

this year is shit. I’m just going to throw that out there. don’t know too many people who will disagree at this point. it’s been shit for everyone, I’m not some random odd sad exclusive case. it’s been a fucked up shitty munchkin ass sucking year. I’ve yelled at the universe a few times and told it to back the fuck off. it did for a moment. little did I know that moment was just the back swing to a bigger hit. I said before that this year sucked but it hadn’t hit home yet. just around and close by. this one hit home. this one hit the motherfucking core. this one hit dead fucking center in the middle of it all. this one hurt.

on october 23, sometime between 130 and 415 in the afternoon, my little brother ended his life. he was 27. had actually just turned 27 in september. he just…you know…it was too much for him. there was so much going on. and it’s sad to learn, but the demons I’ve been battling forever are the same ones that plagued him. oh how I wish I had known. I don’t know if there’s comfort or more misery in knowing someone shares the same battles you do. you hurt for them because you know the pain, but at the same time you hurt less because you can share the pain. I don’t know what being a survivor of suicide is supposed to be like- i was given a few handouts that I read over, and it sounds like I’m not doing it right. but I don’t know if there is a right in this situation. I’m not angry. I don’t have any unanswered question. I don’t think it was selfish. I don’t think it was stupid. I don’t think it was some fucking mental illness or problem. he was just hurting. a broken spirit. I get it. from beginning to end, I get it. does it make it any easier? fuck no. do I wish he had found another path? hell yes. but do I get it? damn straight I do. I understand. I can see the path he walked. I can think the thoughts I’m sure he thought. because I’ve been there. I’ve been in that dark corner staring down that same fucking demon. I’ll never know for sure, but I think I can see. and it hurts. because I’ve felt the same things. I’ve written the same things he wrote in his goodbye letter. and that scares me. if we’ve had the same thoughts and walked the same path. and he lost the battle…what does that mean for me? I don’t want to lose this battle. but I can see how easily it can be lost. he wrote in his letter that he was broken and didn’t want to be fixed. I know that feeling. holy fucking pain and darkness do I know that feeling. and your soul hurts. and you feel so broken. and you don’t want to bother people trying to fix you because you don’t feel you can be fixed. and you feel like you’re wasting their time and your time. and you feel like such a burden. and you don’t want everyone worrying about you or stressing about you. but they do, mostly because they don’t understand and just want to make it go away. but those feelings can’t just go away. and there’s those people telling you to just get over it- like it’s a choice you’re making to feel that way and if you would just snap out of it- like it’s your own fault and your own decision to be stuck in that dark endless cave. yes, it’s so enjoyable, I chose to be there. fuck off. obviously spoken from someone who has never been there and desperately clawed to fight their way out only to end up deeper than they started. and then you feel like even more of a failure because you’re letting them down…and the spiral continues. it’s evil. it’s dark. and it gets a hold of you in ways that can’t be explained. and I think he was like me…you put on this face and people may know you’re having a bad day but they have no idea how fucking bad it really is. I’m not good at playing my cards close. I have a feeling and you can see it on my face. steve was a better card player than me. he held it close. obviously no one knew how deep this went for him.
but even though I get it, even though I understand the choice, it doesn’t make it any easier. and the strangest things are so hard for me right now. I’m so jealous and angry at his friends. growing up steve and I had basically no relationship. I would go to our dad’s house for two weeks during the summer, the occasional spring break, very few holidays or any other event (if any…can’t actually remember any other times I went there). into our adult lives I wasn’t there…he lived with my oldest brother for a while and I went to see them once. I wasn’t there when he joined the army. I got to welcome him home from the war later though. I wasn’t there when he graduated dive school. I wasn’t there for holidays. for the first time I was able to see where he lived over in seattle, the beach that he loved, his home, but it was only after his death to clean out his things. I see his friends, his family, they have all these memories and steve stories. and I don’t. and I’m jealous. I’m angry for the stolen years when we were kids. I’m angry at myself for not making it over to see him. I’m angry at my older brother for living closer and being able to go to all the football games and baseball games and lunches and events. I’m angry at his friends that got to see him and know him and love him. I’m jealous of all their memories. all their remembrances. all their pictures and stories and things to look back on. I see theses scraps and remnants and I connect to them in a way I can’t explain. but I wasn’t there for any of them. I don’t know what made him laugh in those pictures. I don’t know what was behind the rooster head or hugging the giant gumball machine or the skydiving adventure. and I’ll never know.
but now there’s this gigantic battle in my head. I see how much he loved life when he loved it. I see how happy he was when he was happy. and I want to be that way. he was a drifter, a wandering spirit, and I envy that. I’ve been so locked down with responsibility for so long. I envy being able to change jobs and move and spend days on the beach or out with friends or creating art work. I wish I could be that way. I wish I could leave this job and do something that I love, not just something that pays the bills. I wish I had the courage to just be myself all the time and do what I loved and not try to be what I’m expected to be or what my family is comfortable with me being. was he some kind of saint? no. was he perfect? no. I’m not trying to make him into some glowing being. he was in trouble, he was drifting, he had to be bailed out now and again. he rarely finished what he started. he didn’t always make the best decisions. but isn’t that what life is about? trying things out and finding what fits you? I envy that he was able to do that. I crave being able to do that.
and while I’m calling out demons…you have to call them all out. you have to face them all, or you can’t deal with them. so I’m going there. I’m going to say it, and I know before I say it how fucked up it is. I get it. but I have to say it because it’s rolling around in my head and I have to face it: I’m jealous that he got out. I’m jealous that he doesn’t have to fight any more. I’m jealous that he could go and not feel stuck here for someone or something. and YES…I know how fucked up that thought is. a big part of that is that I know the not being able to be fixed feeling. and that’s a lot to carry around. and he doesn’t have to worry about being fixed any more. he doesn’t have to be the broken one walking around letting his family down.
wow. that was hard to say. it’s hard to express how long that last paragraph took to type…just know this…two hours. yes. that small paragraph took two hours to write. but I said it. once you say it, it isn’t so scary. and it’s not as threatening. you can read it and see how fucked up it is and it makes everything less…whatever…
so. that’s where I’m at right now kids. I’m sorry if it’s sketchy and jumpy and doesn’t make sense. it doesn’t make sense to me either. I just had to get it out.