i had a date(ish)

gather around darlings, i have a delightful holiday tale that is sure to warm your hearts:

(or at least make you laugh/pee a little so SOME part of you is warmish)

i had a “date” last night.

before you get all excited for me it must be stated: this was not a “you’re hot and i want to take you out” date, this was a very old friend in town for the holidays, knows i’m single and rarely get to go out on this type of event, in the spirit of the holidays threw me a bone “date”.

so. you know. go me.

now, before i get too far into it you need to know that in spite of everything i actually had a pretty good time. it was good to be out, it was good to feel pretty, and it was good to not have to buy my own drinks/dinner/lap dances for once (we’ll get back to that last one in a minute).

so the friend in question is/was actually staying at my house for a few days while in town. he got to town thursday evening, friday we hung out a bit before he had to go do some things, then we were both back at my house around 3 (with both spawns) hanging out. 3 in the afternoon. it was actually a little before 3- yes, time is important. you see, between the time he got back to my house and the time i went to take the small spawn to a friends for a sleep over at 5 he was already SIX drinks ahead of me: two shooter bottles of gentlemans jack, firefly on the rocks, three screwdrivers. nothing lets your date know you’re excited about taking her out like getting completely smashed before it even starts.

i get back from dropping the small spawn off and start to get ready. a date is a date and damn it, i wanted to look nice. pretty skirt, nice strapless top, big girl shoes, big hair, big make up, i pulled out ALL the stops. while i’m doing this he has another drink and a bit of green because that of course lets a lady know you can’t wait to be alone with her- a completely altered reality. awesome. (also lets her know that she will be driving for the evening and not able to partake in any drinks herself. even better).

while i’m getting ready i was complimented several times along the lines of “you look hot. it’s nice to have my escort look so hot. you’re my escort for the evening, right? i’m paying for everything and getting sex after, so you’re my escort, right?”

i just love compliments. they make me glow.

yes, i still went through with the date. i’m that desperate. again: go me.

so we decide on a spot for dinner and start the evening out. dinner was actually delightful at a very nice restaurant but we forgot to factor in one thing: a gentleman’s club was on the agenda for the evening and the restaurant we had picked tended to be a little (as in the nile is just a little river) heavy handed on the garlic and onion. PERFECT for an evening of up close and personal with beautiful women (and the supposed sexy time at the end of the evening).

conversation was great through dinner. we talked about how long we had know each other, how we’ve both grown over the years, real, good, meaningful conversation. a little shocking all considered.

after dinner (one more drink) it was still early and the friends he planned on meeting at the club weren’t ready yet so we decided to drive around a bit (after stopping for a coors tall boy). this turned into about an hour and a half driving around in BFE, in pea soup fog, with NO IDEA where we were at. not the worst, but for sure not exactly a nice night out type thing. I WILL SAY: we did use this time to continue talking about things which was really nice. one caveat: you just never know how much is real conversation and how much is “altered state of mind” conversation. not really sure how much of it he remembers or meant. so. yeah.

we finally decide that we’ve had enough driving around and we’ll just go to his buddy’s house and wait for him to get ready to go to the club. translation: we’ll go park out back of his buddies house and attempt teenage car sex until his buddy is ready to go.

oh yeah. i just said that.

two adults. one car. a whole lot of (one sided) alcohol. a fuck ton of awkward.

let me just say: no matter how old you are, no matter how big your car is, no matter what you may think: CAR SEX IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA. add in a little alcohol and GOSH DARN IT, wouldn’t you now, things just didn’t quite go as planned.

we finally head out to the gentleman’s club and the rest of the evening was pretty good. see, i’m one of those girls who LIKES other girls. i think women are beautiful and i truly admire the dancers at the gentleman’s club. they are (with some exceptions) athletic, brave, sensual women who are damn smart and good at what they do. i’ve had many a conversation about this with men, women, and some dancers. they truly are damn good hustlers, sales women, business women and the best ones do this with little to no (visible) effort so that the drooling neanderthals around the stage think they’re being awesome getting this girls attention while she’s making bank and taking money that they’re willingly throwing in her direction. plus: boobies! yes, i said it.

i was able to enjoy a very nice lap dance from a beautiful woman which all the men were jealous of (yes, mine was longer than yours deal with it). i happened to run into a friend i hadn’t seen in way too long and was able to catch up on a little chatting amidst all the distractions. i got to watch boys be stupid boys which is always fun. finally i got to watch my date ingest quite a few more drinks which assured that i was safe from the sexy time at the end of the evening that he had been planning on.

so the “date” ended well enough but i want to point out a few things that really were a train wreck that i managed to ignore.

men: don’t EVER refer to your date as your escort for the evening unless you looked up an ad in the yellow pages, ordered her and had to put a credit card on reserve for the evening to happen. it is damn demeaning, angering, and honestly purely insulting. i understand that all you want out of the evening is the sexy time at the end and you’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that happens. one way to make sure it DOESN’T happen is to let me know up front in plain english that’s all you think i am/am good for.

don’t EVER let a woman know you can’t afford to take her out but you’re doing it anyway. nothing ruins the evening as quick as “i know i’ll hate myself tomorrow for how much i spend on you tonight.” AWE.SOME. and YES, this was actually said to me.

also, along the same line: don’t ever let your date know you had to borrow money to take her out. FROM. YOUR. MOM. this one didn’t happen to me but it DID happen to a darling friend of mine a few weeks ago. a guy actually had the half balls to say he wanted to take her out for a drink but had to ask him mom for a loan first. if you can’t afford it, find a different option. buy a sixer and rent a movie. it’s a LOT cheaper, less noisy, and more one on one time. plus you don’t have the whole awkward: “he borrowed money from his mommy” vibe the whole evening.

i understand having a few drinks or a little herbal relaxation to mellow you out before a date. WITHIN REASON. getting smashed before she even starts getting ready is NOT a good thing. really. nothing tells a girl you dont want to go out with her more than having to be blasted to go through with it.

NEVER. EVER. suggest car sex. EVER.

don’t complain that the girls lap dance was longer than yours. enjoy the fact that you have a woman who is excited to be at the club with you and that you even got to watch her getting a lap dance. i mean how fucking sexy is that? getting to watch a girl get a LONG lap dance and enjoy it? and you complained?

don’t make her wake up in the morning to you flogging the dolphin. wrestling the cyclops. choking the chicken. FUCKING MASTURBATING IN HER BED RIGHT NEXT TO HER.

hmm. sorry. probably should have given you a little warning about that last one.

*sigh* and people wonder why i’m single.

quit(ish)

there’s been so much going on lately and yet nothing at the same time. it’s been good and bad and creative and stressful and boring and all of everything rolled into one hot mess.

this weekend i’ve been laying pretty low while battling a huge round of depression and decision making and general yuk.

i’ve been making so many plans lately and having just as many fall through on me. it’s been hard. i was going to help one of my bosses open a stove shop that he’s been waiting to do for a long time. things stalled on that. then i was going to start my own pay-by-the-day secretarial business and things stalled on that. i found out one of the coffee shops i work at was possibly open for purchase and then that fell through. i’ve applied for mortgages, planned out three businesses, worked at two coffee shops and helped manage two other businesses. i’m learning social media and online advertising for businesses on the fly. i’m taking messages, making appointments, dealing with people who have never met me but still hate me (you should see the hate mail letter). in the middle of all this i’m dealing with a moody teenager and an 8 year old who HATES everything.

i’m tired. i’m stressed. i’m frustrated and i have the window ledge full of empty wine bottles to prove it.

i had to quit(ish) one of my jobs today. i’m so frustrated with this decision. i feel like a huge failure. i’ve never quit before. i made the decision to leave my last job but it wasn’t because i couldn’t do it or i wasn’t successful at it. i left for family and i left on good terms. not so much this time. this time i was a flat failure. the worst part is that it wasn’t even really my failure. i had a boss that had little to no respect for me which makes things, well, impossible. every appointment i set was either ignored or he would be late to. messages i took were ignored. my calls were sent to voice mail (why bother leaving a message when i’m the one that reviews them?). clients would call asking why their appointment was missed or their call not returned and i ended up looking like an incompetent idiot. i HATE being made to look like an idiot. i’m damn good at what i do. DAMN GOOD. but there was no way for the clients to know that. i looked like the bumbling secretary that couldn’t take a message or schedule an appointment without screwing up. i was busting my ass getting advertising, social media, web listings, appointments, taking messages, organizing, trying to make things work smoother and take the stress off him and all it was doing was quadrupling my stress. why am i taking calls at 7am on sunday morning when he could care less? why am i answering his texts at 10pm about appointments or billings when i had tried to reach him all day?

i stopped to talk to him today to let him know where i was at. this is a HUGE thing for me. normally i just pull the plug and walk away. generally there’s a large emotional explosion and a grand finale and no going back. this time i tried to be different. i tried to talk about it before i was at the explosion point. i calmly told him everything i just wrote out above. i told him that i was frustrated but if things could change i would still be on board.

and then there was silence. stone. cold. silence.

so. i left.

there was apparently nothing left to say.

about an hour later i had a text message asking me how to take the call forwarding off.

so. i guess that’s that. i didn’t mean to quit. i was asking for change and a little respect. i guess i got my answer.

so. nifty.

less stress. that’s a good thing, right?

BUT. that was pretty much the last hope of avoiding cubicle world again. the last hope of something that would work out and pay the bills and let me still be a mom. so. now it’s back to corporate robot world. yuk.

and in the middle of all that did i mention my teenager is failing school and my 8 year old is being bullied every day AND failing school?

i guess i’m failing at the staying home and being a mom thing too. awe.some.

and did i mention that i’m still single?

why the fuck isn’t there more wine at this pity party?

SILVER LINING:

i have a washer and dryer installed and working.

i’ve learned how to make a damn good cup of coffee in the last few months.

i’ve learned how to do some awesome local online advertising.

i have my office unpacked and put together.

i have a good house that has kept us warm through some damn cold nights already this winter.

i have a good car that handles winter time like it’s a regular summer day.

i’ve got great people that aren’t ashamed to have a twilight marathon with me.

finally: i’m still able to convince the moody teenager to make an idiot of himself with his friend by doing broadway dance songs on the wii in exchange for zelda time. that’s kinda priceless.

a contest:

so. we're going to play a little game tonight. below are 5 pictures of yours truly. let's play the "guess which one she's the heaviest in" game, shall we?

picture A:

picture B:

picture C:

picture D:

picture E:

and answer is:
picture A: taken 10/2009 checking in at 220
picture B: taken 10/2010 checking in at 203
picture C: taken 4/2011 checking in at 230
picture D: also 4/2011, same weight
picture E: taken 10/2011 checking in at 248

i don't understand my body. in 2 years i've jumped FOURTY pounds. i dropped a bunch a while ago (remember those posts when i was all excited about my wii?) and now i'm back up to my heaviest ever. but i don't LOOK like it. at least to me i don't...

my jeans are baggy. my bra is the same size. my tee shirts fit the same. even my damn shoes fit the same. i think my face looks thinner now than it has in a long while and yet i'm checking in at my heaviest EVER. where the fuck am i hiding FORTY POUNDS? you see people flex 10 pounds and they have to change wardrobes one way or the other. i flex FORTY and nothing has changed. umm...WHAT THE FUCK BATMAN?

hurry up- I HAVE TO PEE!

so. i have a house. and it’s an old house. and it needed work. and i decided it needed more work that it *actually* needed. and then i pulled a ham string kicking myself in the ass for deciding it needed more work than it needed.

they say the two worst things you can pick on in a house are the kitchen and the bathroom. guess what two things i did in my house?

the kitchen turned out pretty damn good (minus the hole that’s still in the floor where the threshold is STILL missing).

the bathroom?

*sigh*

here’s the story on the bathroom:

the house has two full bathrooms- one upstairs with a standing shower, toilet sink, and the one downstairs that had a full shower, closet, sink. downstairs there was also a closet in what i’ve claimed as the office.

after the remodel of the kitchen there was no place for the washer/dryer (yes, they were in the kitchen before. no thanks) and i decided, in all my infinite wisdom, why don’t we bust out the closet in the office, expand the bathroom, and add the washer/dryer in there? strike that: initially i thought i would just run lines into the closet for the washer/dryer, THEN i had the bright idea to knock out a few walls.

if you were wondering, here’s what it looks like when you start knocking out walls in a 110 year old house:

that picture was taken on june 23, 2011 when the first work was done on the project. that day the bathroom door was removed (frame and all), the sink was removed, the walls were knocked out of the closet, and the ceiling was opened up.

then the pause button was pressed.

and held down.

and held down a little longer.

i FINALLY got around to hiring a contractor to finish up the work. he came over, looked over the project, looked through the basement, looked over all the plumbing, electrical, everything and gave me a quote of $5,000 and said it would probably be LESS if i paid by the hour instead of a flat bid.

yes, i’m an idiot. i believed him.

his worked started on August 8, 2011. walls were ripped down. the ceiling was ripped down. the floor was ripped out (all three layers of hardwood. yes, THREE.) the plumbing was changed out, the electrical was re-run. the floor was put back in. the walls went back in. things were going GREAT. i was working with mac (the worker bee) on things, talking about where things would go, what we would do with the space, what parts were needed. we had a good process of cuss and discuss working- we would both toss out ideas, talk about what would work, what wouldn’t, come to an agreement and on things would go. it was great. it was easy. it was taking a little longer than i wanted (and a little more money since i was paying by the hour) but it was good. we discussed about me doing the tile work and painting to save money and everything was good with that. i suggested putting in the shelving between the stacking washer and dryer to give me a place to store soap and they liked the idea so much they started using it on other sites. things were going along smoothly.

and then the shit hit the fan.

tim, the main contractor and the official owner of the company started coming in to work. and it went from great to FUCKED UP over night. i was sitting on my couch one of the first mornings he came in doing paperwork for one of my jobs. i could hear mac and tim in the bathroom talking- the french doors haven’t been finished and there’s no door in the bathroom so i could hear everything pretty damn well. the issue at hand was some light switches that mac and i had talked about installing two inches lower than standard to accommodate a recycled mirror that i wanted to use. mac and i had discussed it, if it would work, if it wouldn’t, decided there was no particular reason they couldn’t be lower, and so all the switches on one wall were lowered two inches. no big issue. right? well, according to tim it was a HUGE issue. they were all wrong and needed re-done. i sat and listened to the conversation progress, listened to mac explain why they were done that way, how he and i had talked about it, measured the mirror and decided like we did. and then i hear tim: “well, sometimes when you have a difficult home owner you just need to tell them how it is.”

*ahem*

WHAT? did i just get called a difficult home owner IN MY OWN HOME? did that REALLY just happen? over something that i had discussed with mac and we had decided on TOGETHER? not once during the whole project had i ever insisted on anything. EVER. i tossed out ideas, if they worked, they worked, if they didn’t i was more than happy to come up with another solution. SEVERAL things were changed, adjusted, moved around, made to work. i wasn’t married to one single idea in that bathroom. it was a blank slate to me. and suddenly i’m called a difficult home owner? last i checked? it’s MY house. I’M paying the bills. shouldn’t it be how i want it to be? difficult or not?

from there it went from bad to worse- suddenly the door to the closet (we closed off the original door to the bathroom) needed to be ripped out and changed- $105. suddenly tim needed to do the painting- several hours at $35/hour. suddenly tim needed to do all the tile work- even more hours at $35/hour. oh, and the BRAND NEW COMMERCIAL TILE SAW that a friend loaned me? not good enough, tim decided he needed to go out and rent one. which he then set up on my front porch leaving a huge mess on the porch and tile drips all the way across my hard wood floors that he didn’t bother to clean up. AND? the tile work? worst i’ve ever seen in my entire life. he used CARDBOARD spacers for the tile. really? tile spacers are approx .53 cents for nine million. why the fuck would any contractor EVER use cardboard?

also: why would you leave the cardboard in long enough that the thin set dries and the cardboard is STUCK in the gaps? and it just kept getting worse. a friend came over to help with other projects outside the bathroom and suddenly tim was VERY territorial and flat out rude to my friend. ALSO: “accidentally” switched one of his shit beat up tools for my friends brand new one. classy. another darling friend came over to help me pick out flooring for the bathroom. again tim was flat out rude and actually refused to install the flooring i picked out (and so i had to pick out a different floor which, of course, turned out to be more expensive. *shock*).

the kicker? all this started because spokane remodeler magazine had approached tim and asked if they could feature one of his remodels in their magazine. tim decided mine would be great for that and all these changes and expenses needed to happen AT MY COST. ummm- NO. #1: you should have been doing your best work from the beginning. things shouldn’t suddenly change and need to be the best because a magazine is coming in. #2: if all this needs to happen for a magazine shoot: read: ADVERTISING FOR YOUR COMPANY, why the fuck should _I_ pay for that? if you want advertising for your company? YOU pay for it. we had an agreed price, we had an agreed scope of work. if YOU suddenly decide to change things, that’s not MY responsibility to foot the bill. i could have done the tile work and done a better job. the pictures i took are hard to see but ALL the tiles are off on the alignment- top to bottom, side to side, depth, every way tile can be off. ALL the big 18” tiles were cut the WRONG way (on the rented saw). ALL are chipped and most are crooked. _I_ could have painted and done a damn good job. i did the rest of the house and it turned out beautifully.

and so i fired him. well, that’s not true. i’m a chicken and i am TERRIFIED of confrontation so i actually had two wonderful gentlemen step in and handle things for me. it was rough, tim got very angry and defensive and confrontational- everything i was worried about. but, in the end, he left.

and so the story ends.

HA HA HA...if only.

when the gentlemen fired tim for me they asked him to leave immediately and send over an inventory of what was left at my house that he needed to get back and then someone would meet him and facilitate the pick up. part of an agreement i had with him was that there were some cabinets in my garage that he was going to do work in trade for. after seeing the tile work that he did in trade, knowing that it would ALL need taken down and redone, the gentlemen that were helping me and i decided that tim really should NOT get those cabinets in trade. i bet you can guess how well that went over. there were a few intimidating voice mails, a few text messages (all saved), and finally one last text “see u in small claims court” sent october 3rd. it’s been quiet since then. *knock on wood* all said and done i paid $6200ish for the work that was done. i paid in full, every friday as things progressed. i also paid for the tile, the tub, the sink, the flooring, the lighting, and quite a bit of the plumbing parts outside of his bills. my TOTAL for the bathroom is over $8,000. sounds like a bit more than $5,000 unless my math is that bad.

so. after over 6 weeks (it was supposed to take 4) i had NO bathroom: no toilet, no shower. no washer dryer, no door, no window, unfinished floors, shitty tile work, a busted pocket book and a threat for small claims court. insult to injury: when time picked up his tools after he was fired he left one last invoice for another $600+ trying to charge me for the tile saw rental, additional labor, and parts (some of which i’ve never even seen).

all that drama and i STILL have to stumble up the stairs to pee every time i get home from mommy’s wednesday night out.

here’s the GOOD news though:

since then i’ve had help getting a few more things done- my washer and dryer were installed a few weeks ago, the electrical has all been finished up and switches finally installed, the last light fixture has been installed, and this last sunday the flooring was laid out and cut and prepped to be installed (it needed to flatten out after being rolled up in the corner for too long). the sink has been set into place and will be installed right after the flooring and it’s actually starting to look like a bathroom.

i can’t wait to be able to pee without having to do a jane fonda stair stepper work out first.

so. there you have it: i picked one of the worst projects a home owner can pick, hired a TERRIBLE contractor, spent way more money than i was supposed to, and STILL haven’t finished the project.

excellent.

at least i’ll get to learn how to pee cool designs into the snow soon- winter is just around the corner.

(non)working girl

so. i’ve been promising to write forever and i’m just now finally getting around to it. there’s been a few reasons for delay: 1- time: YES, i’m “unemployed” but i’m also busier than i’ve ever been helping several friends/businesses, chasing kids around, dealing with contractors, and then, of course, there’s always my own ish and the crap stuck in my head. 2- perspective: i’ve had some big shit go down lately. my knee jerk reaction is to write it all down immediately. most of this stuff needs perspective though. i need to be able to step back, process, analyze, think it over, make sure i’m reacting properly, THEN write about it. some if it i’m still not there yet. some of it i’m ready. so. there should be more writing in the next few days (schedule allowing) to get out the stuff i’m ready to talk about. so. all that said- brass tacks- today i’m going to tackle the most recent and the one that’s on my mind the most: money/unemployment.

i was denied unemployment. i appealed. denied AGAIN. the first time they told me that quitting my job to stay at home was not a good reason to quit. AWE.SOME. way to put family first state of washington. so i appealed and waited several weeks. i was certain that it wasn’t my employer trying to screw me over- i mean i worked for them for 10 years, left on the best terms, did everything i could for them. i was sure it was the state being the state and through the appeal it would all work out. then i got fucked up the ass without lube. sorry if that’s a little much, but HOLY FUCK OVER batman. i waited all these weeks, kept looking for a job while i watched what was left of my savings drain away. i kept thinking OF COURSE it will work out. then i called in, did the phone interview with the judge for the appeal and listened to my previous employer twist everything around in every direction possible to completely and totally fuck me over. they insist i quit my job to write. great. you know that thing called a letter of resignation? that thing that i turned in that said WHY i was quitting? the thing i turned in to my boss and is (or should be) in my employee file? funny how no where in there did i say i was quitting my job to write. it DOES say that i was leaving to be with my kids and be a family while i had the chance. YES, i said i was going to use some of the time to write. and cook. and go on field trips. and read. and do art work. and be a mom. and take vacations. and do things with my kids. fuck- i even wrote a blog about my goals for the year and the things i wanted to accomplish. YES, writing was one of those. NO, it was not the reason i left my job. i was honestly so shocked during the appeal that i couldn’t even disagree. i couldn’t believe they were insisting THAT was the reason i left. not that i lost my brother. not that my son lost his step mother and baby brother. not that i lost my dad and watched my whole life get dumped on it’s head in less than 12 months.

TEN FUCKING YEARS people. i worked for that company for TEN YEARS. i busted my ass for them. sent my kids to a daycare and had someone else spending more time with them than me. i arranged babysitters after BOTH kids had their tonsils out so i could be back at work. i made them go to daycare sick because i couldn’t take time away. i busted my ass for TEN years for that company. i gave them notice the beginning of november that i wanted to leave the end of december and then ended up staying an extra FULL month while they shitted time away hiring a replacement to train. i did my best for ten years, did my damndest to leave on the best terms, did everything i could just to get royally fucked over. are they that worried about their bottom line? do they really care that little about their employees? i really don’t want to believe that i worked for a company like that for ten years, but this has shown me otherwise.

people have asked me over the last year if i would go back to the company if the opportunity arose. i always i thought i would. i thought it would be great to go back to the benefits, to an employer that was great to me. i had nothing bad to say about them.

NOW?

no way in mother fucking hell would i spend one more day working for a company that could care less and works harder to protect their books than to take care of someone that gave them 10 years.

BIG QUESTION: now what? now what do i do that i have NO savings left, NO unemployment, and NO job on the horizon?

welcome to my stress.

i am VERY lucky that i do have a little money coming in via child support right now. it’s not much, and it has disappeared on me several times before, but it’s something for now. i just need to be very careful with it. i HAVE been working for one business with the potential for payment- i just need to learn to grow a pair and ask for the paycheck. not something i’m good at. especially when it’s a friend. especially when i know business is slow. especially when there’s some trade work going on. especially when i’m so damn good at making up excuses to avoid a potentially awkward situation and ESPECIALLY when i’m just too damn chicken to actually do it.

so. there you have it. poor, broke, pissed off, BUT I HAVE A PLAN! and i have a fucking awesome business name. it’s ironic, funny, and simple all at once. stay tuned for the actual business licensing, domain registering, official branding ish before i drop it out there, but i’m sure you’ll all think it fits me!

struggle

i know i haven't been posting much lately. i have a LIST of things to write about but i've been half lazy and half struggling with how much to write.

there's a BIG topic i want to talk about but i keep battling with how much is too much to throw out there- coming from me i'm sure that's a little strange to hear. it's more along an "airing dirty laundry" line than an embarrassing TMI line. half of me believes that there's healing in getting my side of the story out, and half of me doesn't want my hardest issue out on the web for anyone to run across.

i keep trying to think of a tactful way to cover the issue but the truth can't be half assed or sugar coated so i think i just need to moxy up and throw it out.

in the mean time there's a few random things to throw out there. i'll start kicking my own ass and making myself sit down to write more regularly- there's nothing on the DIY network that won't be aired again later (yes, i'm currently addicted to home improvement shows).

what say you? do you think there's anything that's too personal to share? i've always believed that if it can help one person then there's not...but on this one i'm really questioning that.

do i stick to my guns? share my story no matter how potentially uncomfortable it may make me? edit it? i'm lost on this one...

16 again?

if you had the chance to be 16 again knowing what you know now, would you? it’s a question that’s been around forever. i’ve always said there’s no way in hell i would ever go back again, even knowing what i know now. i HATED my teen years, there was nothing good about high school or any of the things i went through back then.

who would want to go back to 16? even with adult knowledge and confidence? no thanks- i’m good.

well. things change.

last night i was 16 again. knowing what i know now. with confidence. i didn’t think of it that way at the time, but it really was just like being 16 again. and it was really great.

last night i had a chance to have a “re-do” with my first ever sexual partner. back in the day it wasn’t so great and actually left me with several of the insecurities that i’ve battled for years. long story short, he was my first lover and i didn’t have my first orgasm until i got married which was my 10th lover. so, you can tell i didn’t know my body at all back then or how to ask for what i wanted and he wasn’t exactly prepared to put in the time and effort to figure it out back then.

a LOT of things have changed since then. there was a spawn, marriages, marriages ending (mine divorce, his death). there’s personal growth and experiences and self discovery. there have been some EPIC fights, years of hating each other, years of tolerating each other, and here we are 14 years later and i would honestly count him among one of my closest friends. we’ve both been through so much and it’s been interesting to come together and help each other through those things and grow together and help raise our son together.

he came to town a few weeks ago and stayed a few days and we vaguely kicked around the idea of being together again but decided against it. last night he came back through town again and we both decided this time to see what happened.

like i said before, i wasn’t thinking of it at the time as going back to being 16. we did talk about how it had been 14 years since we had been down this road and both wondered how different things would be. details spared: MUCH different (and yes, worth it).

this morning i did get to thinking about it as going back and getting a do-over. i thought about how strong and confident i was last night and how it made everything so different. i thought about all the hang up’s i’ve been carrying with me for the last 14 years and how they really were just two inexperienced kids who really had no clue. it’s been odd today. it’s more thought than i expected. emotionally i’m good. mentally it’s been a trip. and in a GOOD way. i feel empowered. i feel sexy and sensual and confident as a woman. i feel like i don’t have to be so self conscious in bed anymore. all the things that were seared in my mind from those first few experiences don’t have to stick there any more. i can very confidently let them go.

so. for how much i argued against ever going back to 16, as much as i swore that i would never want to do that or experience that again, it was a very good thing. i’m really glad i did.

what would you do? would you go back to 16? i know not everyone would have the same good experience, but would the chance be worth it?