a farewell to 2010

well, another year is coming to an end. i'm not sure what it means any more- the changing of one year to another. do i believe that magically over night with the dropping of a ball, a ton of glitter, and the consumption of way too much alcohol by the general public things will suddenly be all better? that all the shit that happened over the last calendar year will be put away and never thought of again?

no. i do not. i don't particularly understand the big celebration- it's just turning another calendar page. it's another way of marking time passing- and we all know time is passing too quickly anyway. no need to celebrate it and egg it on and make it think we're happy it's getting away from us so quickly.

do i have any big resolutions for the new year? no. my resolutions started a few years ago when loved ones started checking out early. my resolution to enjoy time with the people i love more. to let them know how much i love them. to spend more time making myself happy and less time doing what i'm "supposed" to be doing just because i think i'm "supposed" to be doing it. to let go of things that are unhealthy, no matter how hard it may be. to embrace things that promote me being the best self i can be an in that being the best mom and friend i can be.

was 2010 a particularly bad year? yeah, it was. any worse than 2009? not really. any worse than 2003? not really. any worse than most years in my history? well, yeah, it was. but it was also a good year. life changed. devastating things happened. but i wasn't the only one they happened to though. and though all the shit some really happy things came to pass. i was able to find really healthy people to surround myself with. i was able to take trips and go places for the first time ever. i was able to take my first family vacation with my kids. i will be able to take a full year off to see what i want to be when i grow up and learn how to be a better mom and friend and person. i've learned empathy and compassion and understanding and that life does continue on even when the worst possible thing that you could ever imagine has happened. i've learned the difference between grieving death and celebrating life. i've learned that even in the middle of terrible darkness there can be laughter and love and support and friendship. i've learned that life will reflect what you want to make it reflect. if you focus on the bad, then everything will be bad, everywhere you look there will be problems around every corner will be illness, drama, hurt, more bad. if you focus on the good  you will find happiness, friendship, support, love, health, good memories. yes, the bad still happen, but you can look past and through them to find what you can take from it and use to help yourself grow.

i'm starting to sound like one of those people that i hate...i'm not sure when exactly i became a pollyanna fucking sunshine, but there it all is in text. so. i guess i am.

i just know that if anyone get to complain about what a shitty year it is, i hold that trump card, but i'm not going to play it. i would rather instead focus on the great last birthdays i had with my dad, the great first holidays i had with my kids, the great first trips i got to take with (or to visit) friends. i would rather look back and know that we made the best of the worst than just stop and look at the worst.

i'm still crying while i type this. it's still really fucking hard. it still sucks to look back and admit all that's happened over the last two years. it's too much to sit still and think about. it still takes my breath away and stops me in my tracks at the strangest moments. but that's ok. those will happen for many years. there will  be many good years to come. i'm sure there will be many more bad years to come too. it's all about balance. 

anytwaddle- happy calendar change day. happy start writing the wrong date on checks for a month. happy night to get smashingly drunk and kiss a stranger at midnight. or happy get smashingly drunk and kissing the one you're with. happy make a bunch of new resolutions that you wont keep. one way or another: HAPPY. happiness to all of you. may you learn to see the good and celebrate it. may you be surrounded by people that you love from here forward. may you truly have a HAPPY new year.

happiness, rainbows, unicorns and all that other schmoopy shit- from our family to yours.

the thanksgiving trip (finally)

wow. so. i haven’t posted in FOREVER. there’s a million and one excuses- none of them hold water (or snow in this weather). i could say i’ve been busy finishing up things at work, and i have, but i’ve also been only working half days for the last two weeks due to the holiday (and my chomping at the bit to be out of here). i could say things have been crazy at home, but we all know i’m an insane insomniac and there’s plenty of quiet down time to write if i would just do it. i could say there hasn’t been anything to write about, but there’s a LIST of blog topics, two trips, and my first two major holidays without family to prove otherwise. so. basically it just boils down to me slacking and keeping the voices in my head instead of getting them out and getting a start on what i’m supposed to be spending the whole next year doing.

*sigh*

long story short: there may be a blog flood by the end of the day.

we may as well back track to thanksgiving:

FIRST FAMILY TRIP!

that’s right. and yes, it’s sad. it was our first family trip. my spawns are 12 and 7 and this was our first family trip. welcome to poor ass broke, population: us. BUT this year is different and we headed over to silver mountain in kellogg, idaho for a long weekend at their ski hill/indoor water park. the trip over was really short…don’t know why i haven’t realized before how close it is. it was my first time back to kellogg in probably close to 11 years. went over to visit a few times when the oldest spawn was tiny and my brother was a cop over there- so, yeah. a while. the resort was BEAUTIFUL. we had a cute little room with a huge kitchen, dual head shower, soaking tub, fire place, balcony- hell, it even had a washer/dryer in the room which came in handy with all the swim suits and things. that’s right, we went there for thanksgiving, to a ski hill, in the snow, and spent 90% of our time in the water. nothing says thanksgiving like sitting in a hot tub drinking vodka/seven. this may be a new tradition! the first day was a bit rough. my kids and i have been so scattered with work and school and rushing home to hurry and get some dinner so they could hurry off to bed for the next day…we haven’t really had any time together. so this was a big change for us. and it was a GOOD change. a good chance to reconnect and be a family. once we worked through a few hiccups and got used to being around each other things were good. we did make it up the ski hill one day- took the gondola 45 minutes up to the top of the ski hill realize we’re not really snow people. i shouldn’t say that. we don’t mind snow. we don’t mind cold. but when you have snow AND cold AND wind it gets to be a little much. especially when it’s the type of wind that you have to lean into to stand up straight…i’m more of a fireplace and book kind of girl when the weather is like that. but the oldest one got to snowboarding and sledding (inner tubes). the little one didn’t want to try anything, so we quickly called it a good experience and headed back down the hill back to the hot tubs and water slides. in all we ended up having an excellent time and really enjoyed being with each other. there’s not much more you could ask for! there were a few rough patches- the thanksgiving dinner was TERRIBLE but it was balanced out by awesome food at the snack bar at the water park- there’s something about cheap ass pizza and nachos that was HAPPY IN THE PANTS for the whole weekend. the first day at the water park was rough also- the little spawn has a really hard time doing things that are new and different. you basically have to FORCE him to try things. once you do it’s all well and good, but the initial experience is always draining. the first day he REFUSED to get into the water at all: no wading, no slides, no fountains- it was looking to be a LONG weekend. but after a few tears (on both sides) and finally getting him into the water, there was no getting him out on the last day when it was time to go. something we will have to keep working through each time we face something new. hopefully he’ll learn to fight a little less and trust a little more and it will balance out.

overall it was as good as a trip could have been. the roads were good on the way there and back, we had movies and snuggle time every night, fun in the water park all day, and really just an excellent first family vacation. YES, there are pictures. i’ll add a few to this when i get a chance- i *JUST* downloaded them on my laptop a few days ago and haven’t had a chance to go through them at all yet.

now to the icky part of it: it was hard for me. two year ago i had my first ever thanksgiving with my dad and my little brother. last year we had thanksgiving with my dad but my little brother was gone. this year they are both gone. it was really hard. i tried not to think about it the whole weekend, but considering that the whole reason we were able to take the trip…yeah. double edged sword. it was GREAT to be able to go and have a good time and start our own new little family tradition. but is SUCKED that we had to start our own new little family tradition. i made it through the whole trip without too many tears (save the battles with the small spawn) but driving home we drove past the valley mall in spokane. not a big deal. we’ve been out to the mall a few times over the past few months, i’ve driven to idaho and back and down that stretch of road a few times. but for some reason, this time driving back i was reminded of a few years ago when my dad and his wife stayed at a hotel out by the mall for the oldest spawns birthday. i remember sitting in their hotel room with them while the spawn opened his gifts and the kids getting to stay the night there and go swimming with grandpa. maybe it was because we were just coming back from a hotel, maybe it was because it was a family gathering, maybe it was just that i really saw what i was driving past for the first time in a while but holy fuck did it hit like a ton of bricks. out of nowhere i was suddenly bawling and flooded with memories and thinking about the whole weekend we had just finished and all of it all at once. it’s the strange moments like that that hit the hardest. they’re the ones you can’t see coming and can’t prepare for. you can prepare for the big holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, the BIG things. but the little things, the random reminders, the out of the blue memories that hit- those are SO FUCKING HARD. they just hit you and level you and leave you flat on your ass wondering what the fuck just happened. there i was, driving down the interstate, coming off an excellent weekend, and suddenly i’m just BAWLING. not the best when you’re going 70 down the road with 2 kids in the back seat that have no idea what’s going on.

i’m finding more of those lately too. those odd moments that just HIT. i was getting better for a while- feeling more on an even keel, healing, dealing well, but the last week or so has just been wicked. not even so much the christmas thing although that didn’t help (but i’ll get to that in another post). just the small thing- remembering how he always asked about my snow tires, how he always reminded me that i can’t feed the world, remembering how he did whatever he could whenever he could to help someone else out. just remembering him. trying to think of and remember as much as i can. every memory that i want to hold on to. i want to take time to write out all my memories of him and share them with everyone- partially so i don’t forget, and partially so you all can know him too.

so. you know. it was a hard but good weekend. it was a new tradition. it was our chance to be a family. it was also a reminder that the old things can’t happen anymore. and it was a time to feel the loss of the family that is gone. everything in balance, right?

mama bear is NOT hibernating yet

so. growl. i do not respond well to being poked with a stick. parent teacher problems persist. here's the latest. please, PLEASE let me know if i'm over reacting. although a suppose at this point, the last email has already been sent...but if i need to back down, please, PLEASE let me know. my mama bear tends to growl first (although a thought out and thoroughly contemplated growl) and ask if i'm over reacting second...

email one: my initial email yesterday morning:

Good morning-

It appears that conference time for this semester has come and gone and my opportunity to discuss [spawn's] progress has been overlooked.

This year and last year both I requested phone conferences due to my work schedule. Both years no phone conference happened.

The lack of response is particularly frustrating this year given the classroom meeting in October and my sincere desire to stay on top of things and help make this year a good year for [spawn]. Additionally, it is frustrating that even after making sure the correct contact information was provided I have not received any feedback from the classroom at all since our meeting.

I have had feedback from [principal] and [spawn]. From [spawn's] side, he reported that things improved for a bit after the meeting but then began to backslide again and his efforts have been met with little assistance or patience and even some resistance again. I do understand that this is his side of the story only, but I am more than apt to believe it is an increasingly accurate depiction of events as I, as the parent, am receiving the same results.

I would like to request an honest answer as to why so little effort is being made to meet us half way in these efforts. I do understand busy schedules and a classroom full of families to work with. I do not understand why nothing at all is being done. I would even go so far as to say that while I do feel the original meeting was helpful in having my concerns heard, I also feel that the majority of the meeting was spent defending or making excuses at the classroom level and that the only real help came when [principal] joined and was able to provide a buffer of sorts to help move things along. I do not understand where the friction originated and I do not understand why it is so difficult to resolve.

As it seems phone conferences are not an available option, I would request a classroom meeting again, with [principal] if possible, to discuss [spawn's] progress since the last meeting.  I would also like to note that as of January 1, 2011 I will no longer be working and would like to request a list of the best times to volunteer in the classroom in a more hands on approach to helping make this school year better and more successful.

Thank you for your time-

[mama bear]

email two: her response yesterday afternoon:

[mama bear],

I sent several notices home and E-mails were sent requesting a response on times that worked for you.  I have not received anything from you.  I am still doing conferences this week and would love to meet with you.  You are the only one who has not responded on a time.  When I schedule a phone conference, parents will let me know what time works best for them.  I think it is important for [spawn] to know that you are also looking at his portfolio of work while we are conferencing.  I know employers are usually very supportive of allowing their employees to conference with the teachers twice a year.
Let me know a time you can meet in the morning or right after school.

[teacher]

email three: my response this morning:

[teacher]-

To date this is the first email I have received of any nature since our October meeting. Additionally, one notice was sent home for conferences. It was signed and returned the same week.

I strongly resent the implication that I am a liar. I also strongly resent the continued blame and lack of personal responsibility on your part. As stated at the conference in October, there are multiple way to reach me via cell phone, work phone, and mail to the home in addition to email. If it was as apparent as it seems that I was the only one to not respond, I would have to ask why a phone call was not made or further effort, especially given the previous attention and efforts on my part.

I also strongly resent that my emails to you are discussed with my son in the classroom. He has no prior knowledge to my communications with you and for him to be dressed down and grilled in the classroom is beyond inappropriate. Such matters as discussed herein are parent-teacher matters only.

I feel, at this time, that no further progress can be made between you and I. It seems we are at an impasse. I would request that a dedicated third party be appointed for routing and mitigating all future communications.

I will be filing a formal complaint with the school board over these matters and the treatment both my son and I have been subjected to over the past year and a half.

I again request a list of times available to volunteer in the classroom as I feel even more strongly now that my presence in the classroom is vital to making sure my son has a successful second half of the school year.


[mama bear]

so. what say you bloggosphere?

typical wednesday night

you guys: i feel a SMALL twinge of guilt this morning. i think i broke someone’s heart a little last night. and not even someone i know- just some random guy in the concert house. i almost feel bad.

see. i went to a concert last night. alone. let’s not get started on how pathetic that was. at least i finally sucked it up and went.

so. i’m standing there, chatting with a few fellow concert goers and an adorable little redneck boy says to me:

“see that girl? mark my words, i’m going to marry her one day!”

me: “awwww…if i believed in marriage, that would be adorable!”

at which point his heart literally broke right in front of me. the look on his face- it was like he had just watched me kick a puppy at a newborn baby and then dunked them both in a vat of acid while punching a unicorn. he was SO UPSET.

even worse?

his girlfriend (or the girl he was referencing anyway) looks at me and goes: I KNOW, RIGHT? i like this girl, she says exactly what’s in my head!

ummm…ouch. let me know when that marriage is- i’ll make sure to keep the 4th of never open…

we continued to chat a little during which time i managed to completely freak out the adorable little redneck boy- to the point where he was saying: “yes ma’am” to everything i said. apparently he’s never met a female with an opinion or at least one willing to speak it before. i think it may have hurt his brain a little. for example, he was asking about why i didn’t believe in marriage to which i responded i wasn’t big on the idea of only sleeping with one person for the rest of my life. you’d swear he thought _I_ shot bambi’s mother after that.

here’s a few other enjoyable conversations i had last night:

in the girls bathroom- girl in stall is trying to “comfort” friend manning the door for her:

door girl: but i was flirting with him and he was flirting back, right?

stall girl: yeah, but flirting only gets you so far.

door girl: but he was totally into it, wasn’t he?

stall girl: no, he was pretending to be into it because you bought him a drink.

me: flirting and fucking are two completely different things. until you have a cock in you, none of it counts.

door girl: HEY

stall girl: oooo…say that again, she needs to hear that!

me: (repeat the previous statement) you can flirt all you want, until you either have a cock in your mouth or in you, it doesn’t really mean anything at all.

door girl: really? but he seemed so into it.

me: darling, you bought him alcohol, of course he was into it. for that moment at least.

stall girl: i like you. you say what i’m thinking but can’t say.

side note: GIRLS: if you can’t speak your mind to your friends (big assumption on my part…but one WAS holding the door for the other) then are you REALLY friends? grow a pair and speak your own damn minds already. i mean, i’m glad to be able to do it for you, but PLEASE, PLEASE learn to do it for yourselves.

so, there was a semi-cute guy in what appeared to be a snap front shirt (one of my favorite things on earth). i, of course, had to check it out.

me: sorry, not trying to grope you, just wanted to see if this is a snap front shirt.

*checking*

me: awww…they’re buttons. do you know how long those take to get off?

him: ummm…yeah, they kinda take a while.

me: and then by the time you get to the last one you’re bored and not really in the mood anymore and ready to move on to other things. you really should invest in snap front shirts.

him: what about his? (gesturing to his buddy standing across from him)

*checking*

me: nope. his are buttons too. and they’re even smaller buttons. those are REALLY hard to function in a hurry.

him: huh. good to know.

asshole buddy in a polo with his stick up the ass girlfriend: ummm, he’s single but NOT looking.

me: really? well, thanks for that tip. i wasn’t asking, just checking his shirt, but, you know, good to know.

asshole buddy: oh.

semi-cute guy: what do you mean by snap front shirts?

*demonstration of my own snap front shirt*

him: oh. that is handy.

me: by the way, nice pecs. those would be a good hand grip.

him: really?

me: yeah, the’re a little soft, but good edge to them. they’d work.

asshole buddy in a polo with his stick up the ask girlfriend: what? what about mine?

*checking with girlfriend before coping a feel*

me: umm…there’s nothing there. no pecs at all. couldn’t even pretend to get a grip.

semi-cute guy: *trying not to laugh*

stick up the ass girlfriend: *nodding along sadly*

polo asshole: *offended* what? you don’t need a hand grip anyway.

me: well, if that works for you, but these *coping a feel of the semi-cute guy again* are pretty good. these would work really well.

and then i walked away. thought it was funny how the asshole in the polo (really- who the fuck wears a damn polo to a country concert? bastard) was all trying to intervene for his buddy…then changed his tune a bit when i snapped back at him and then kept talking to his buddy. even funnier: semi-cute guy found me at the end of the concert, walked over and introduced himself and said it was fun talking to me. so. yeah, he was obviously really offended by my talking to him and needed intervened for. stupid asshole polo guy.

so. mildly interesting evening. GREAT music. way too many people that offended my eyes. the idiots at the venue decided to turn on the lights between the opening band and the main show- it was WAY too early in the evening/not enough alcohol in for THAT to happen in that crowd. seriously people: why must you offend my eyes so? there were more than a few coyote ugly people there- one girl was so offensive that i may or may not have said the following: “fuck, even if i woke up on the other side of the room from that, i would still chew my damn arm of just out of disappointment in myself for being anywhere near that!” to which several people agreed.

one girl there a group of us were placing bets on: she either had no nipples at all, or had piercings that were laced through her bra because that was the only way in hell something wasn’t flashing/falling out. seriously- those suckers were as far out as i’ve ever seen but still, oddly, against gravity, slightly contained. plus they were all covered in veins and WAY too vomitous. didn’t seems to bother the douchecaptain she was with though. they made quite the pair.

still trying to figure out how i didn’t gouge my eyes out before the evening ended. OH…and, in completely odd bar experiences: had three people smell my hair. one guy was approximately 900 feet tall and had to keep bending town to talk to me (and i’m not exactly short). during one of his excursions down from the north pole he stopped talking and just stood there for a minute. i’m all: umm…whatcha doin up there? he just kinda looked puzzled…and said: “your hair…” i laughed and said “skittles?” the hairspray i use totes smells like skittles. i may or may not have developed a bit of a huffing problem since switching to this brand. he kept smelling it while bending over to talk to me. i cracked up. then his buddies wondered what the hell he was doing so then they had to take a sniff too. i think one of them even bit me…wanted to taste the rainbow he said. so. you know. interesting experiences.

over all, not a bad wednesday.

that's you little girl-

last week i was going to write a blog. not a very nice blog. i was going to write a pretty damn mean blog. to myself. about everything. my body. my life. depression. i was trying like hell not to be hard on myself, but my brain had other ideas. every time i looked in a mirror i would hear these evil little voices in my head. every time i looked at pictures from vegas i couldn't help but compare. i would tell myself: you know, they SAY you got looks in vegas, but it was only people wondering what the hell the three hot chicks were doing with the beached whale. or: sure they guys at clubs said four hot women- but it's only because they're smart enough to know that if they want to hit on ONE they have to compliment all FOUR. guys are at least smart enough to know that. i kept remembering that i used to say in high school: if my belly ever stick out further than my boobs, just shoot me. well, guess what captain ahab: pull out the harpoon...it's getting close.

BUT.

then i looked in the mirror this week and saw something different. and i heard a different voice.

this week when i've looked in the mirror i've seen a beautiful woman. a lady who has been working hard to take care of herself and take pride in herself. a woman who had leaned to dress for her body, apply her makeup tastefully, style her hair with pride but not vanity. i've seen a beautiful creature looking back at me and i heard a voice in my head: that's you little girl, and you're beautiful. and i can't explain it. it's not something i ever remember hearing my dad say to me, but i'm damn sure it's him saying it to me now: THAT'S YOU LITTLE GIRL, AND YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

i've changed over the last few weeks- well, except last week that is. i've morphed in a way. i've started to see someone else in the mirror. i mentioned it a few times to my gals in vegas- i see this beautiful creature looking back at me and it's shocking to realize THAT'S ME. i can't explain it. nothing big has changed- i darkened my hair a bit again which is not new. it's the same make up. it's the same hair style. but when i look i see a whole new person. and it's taking me a while to get used to her. she's confident. she's well put together in age appropriate and body appropriate clothes. she's beautiful. and it's me. 

i'm sure i sound like i'm a bit off my rocker right now. and i can't really explain it any better. but something has changed AND I LIKE IT.

i'm sure i'll still have off days. i'm sure this won't last forever. but for now- this is a really fucking good feeling. it's kinda nice to REALLY like me.

it's on- universe willing

so. there’s still a few details to work out (health insurance first and foremost), but the decision has been made: i’m taking a year off work.

so.

big changes. i talked to my boss about taking a leave of absence (not possible) or switching to part time (not practical for the department) so, that just leaves taking the leap. i’m scared as fuck, but i’m also 100% confident that this is the right thing for me to do right now. it’s my turn to figure out what i want to be when i grow up.

i’ve been running through this in my head since last week and i spent quite a bit of time thinking about it this weekend. even with all the risk involved- bad economy, bad job market, going crazy with boredom, medical insurance, EVERYTHING, even with all that, i know this is the right thing. the positives and the opportunities WAY outweigh all the other things.

one thing that it did make me question though is this: do you think people can change their opinion after they die? and i know that sounds strange: no. they’re dead. they no longer have an opinion. BUT, follow me here: if they could come back for a day and talk to you- do you think it would be the same now as then? what the fuck am i talking about? this: i hear two voices in my head: i hear my dad BEFORE the fire, and my dad AFTER the fire. i hear the before saying: why would you even consider leaving a stable job where you have 10 years seniority, insurance, retirement, comfort? you have kids! you have responsibility! invest now for your retirement and make plans then!

then i hear my dad AFTER the fire: i worked my whole life planning for retirement and a fuck load of good that did me. (ok, i never EVER heard my dad drop the f-bomb, but you get the idea). enjoy life NOW. make the change while you can. do what you need to do for you and the boys. be happy. i always wanted to provide for you and make you happy, this is my backwards way of doing that. go explore, take a chance, go back to school (he always wanted me to go back), try something new.

does any of that make sense? i don’t know if it’s possible, or if it’s me trying to make sense of things in my head and trying to give myself permission, but really do think his perspective on it NOW would be very different than before. and granted, i would have never thought of this before. i would have never had the financial cushion to be able to do this. i would have never had the reason to do something like this. but now, fuck, EVERYTHING is different. so why wouldn’t his opinion be as well?

i just keep coming back to one basic thought: tomorrow is never a for sure. procrastination is arrogance. procrastinating is laughing in the face of the universe saying you know better and you know that there WILL be a tomorrow to do things. i’ve learned that NOTHING is a for sure. tomorrow is not promised to us. assuming so is truly the best was to make an ASS of U.

and in the face of all the questions and concerns about getting a job when i decide to go back to the real world- this is going to sound unbelievably corny, especially coming from me, but if and when it’s meant to happen, IT WILL. when the right thing comes along, i will be ready for it and things will work out the way they’re supposed to. i HAVE to believe that. fuck- i have that tattooed on my skin. what’s the point of having the tattoo if i don’t really believe it? it made me laugh at myself thinking about it. do i really believe in my own tattoo? or did i just get it for looks? it’s easy to SAY i believe it, am i willing to put my future where my ideals are? here’s to finding out!

so. the trigger hasn’t officially been pulled yet. but it’s going to happen. i’ll give enough notice to find someone and do some training. AND i promised to do the taxes for the year- i won’t dump that off on a new person the way it was dumped on me. but it’s happening. the new year will start off a WHOLE NEW YEAR for me, karma willing. i know…speaking of arrogance…looking forward 7 weeks already after i just said that tomorrow is never for sure. but in fairness, i can’t just jump ship. so. here’s my request to the universe: please don’t change things too much in the next seven weeks. please allow me this opportunity because i would love to take it and make the most of it.

and then??

well, first the good news: made it to vegas and back! no marriages, no bail money, no close encounters of the strange kind. just a whole ton of good, not so clean fun! i would discuss more details, but there may or may not have been a blood sisters wolf pack pact somewhere along the lines…

suffice to say, TONS of pictures were taken, and no, you can’t see any of them. THAT’S how it went.

i will say one thing: hardest part about coming home? leaving the heated toilet seat behind. seriously people. a HEATED toilet seat. talk about peeing in comfort.

so, that was the hardest part about coming home. hardest part about arriving home? having to go from vegas to mom in 3.2 seconds. walked in my house and the kitchen was a MESS, living room was a tornado, and the kids bedroom floor no longer exists. even my bed was a mess, sheets all over the place. *sigh* straight from maid service back to being the maid. i suppose that’s a normal part of vacations, but since this was my first (yes, ever) i guess i was expecting a little bit of the magic to carry over at least a little bit.

now on to the big news:

i’m thinking about quitting my job. or going to part time. or taking a leave of absence if possible. just something different. don’t get me wrong- i have a good job. i like the people, the work is easy, there’s nothing BAD about it at all. i just feel like it’s time for a change, and for the first time i’m in a position where i can make that change and have a safety cushion behind me. i’ve been here for 10 years already and just feel stuck. pushing the same papers i was 10 years ago…and nothing different in the near future. it feels like i’m not using any of my skills, let alone using them to the best of my abilities. i need something that challenges me and makes me think and pushes me a bit. and you know…i’m only 30. that means i have 35 years until i qualify for retirement. so that’s PLENTY of time to start a different career.

the more i think about it, the more comfortable i am with this decision. it would mean time to try my hand at writing, time to be in the kids classrooms, time to work out, time to be a real mom and cook dinners and keep the house clean, time to do more glass work, just TIME in general. no more feeling like i get up just in time for work, sit at a desk all day, slap together dinner, shove the kids in bed just to do it all over again the next day. it would be nice to have real time with my kids instead of just 2-3 hours a night before bedtime. it would be nice to learn how to really cook meals instead of piecing together whatever i can find at the last minute. it would be nice to have time to go to a gym. just all of it. it would be nice to have a change. and i can do it right now. not forever, but for a year at least. see what it’s like. see how it goes. if anything, i’ve learned that a year is a fuck long time. so much can change and happen.

i’m not 100% sure on this one, but i’m pegging in at about 90% right now. it would be a HUGE change, but i’m ready for that. and why not do it? you know? why sit around thinking about it and wondering “what if?” why not just jump and see what happens?

so. yeah. that’s where i’m at right now. what do ya’ll think?