sexy vs. NOT sexy

you guys. there’s something that’s been bothering me for a while. and i need to say something:

it seems that fewer and fewer men know what’s sexy these days. this is a disturbing trend. and one i need to do my part to correct ASAP. especially before VEGAS. because i’m sure out there somewhere is a man who has never heard of me, and will never read this blog, that i will meet up with in a club there, and he will need to know this information. somehow. so. maybe just putting it out in the universe will solve that. it will magically find his way to him, and he will already know what’s sexy and what is not sexy.

so. here it is. in stark detail. things that are sexy and things that are NOT sexy. and. *sigh* as per usual. these things were all learned by experience. the things i’ve suffered. tragic really.

SEXY: kissing. with the full tongue action. and MAYBE a little lick of the lip or two.

NOT SEXY: holding my head and doing an extensive cavity search of my mouth with your tongue. there is NO reason for you to lick my gums. all the way around my mouth. especially while holding my head still so i can’t get away. i just threw up a little.

SEXY: kissing the tip of my nose. or eskimo kisses. or resting our foreheads together with our noses touching.

NOT SEXY: licking the inside of my nose. ‘nuff said. and i just threw up a little again.

with all this throwing up i’ll fit into my vegas dresses no problem.

SEXY: a “bedtime” snack like popcicles. or ice cream. or strawberries.

NOT SEXY: bbq corn nuts.

SEXY: Ralph Lauren Polo Black. panties: dropped. IN SMALL DOSES. as in A, SINGULAR, ONE spritz or two.

NOT SEXY: mixing your cologne with your body wash. and your shampoo. and using it as a deodorant. and a few extra sprays for good measure. if i can smell you before i see you it is NOT a good thing.

SEXY: dirty dancing.

NOT SEXY: making it look like we’re having sex on the dance floor. EVERYONE should be able to see both your hands. AT ALL TIMES.

SEXY: drunken sex.

NOT SEXY: drunken anal.

and on that TMI, i think that’s enough for now.

by the way…have i mentioned I’M GOING TO VEGAS?!?!?

open letter to single mothers:

**DISCLAIMER** yes, i am being extremely judgmental in this.  no, i do not know any of the details of any of the recent cases where children left in the care of the boyfriends were hurt/killed. BUT, i have seen this story over and over and the general details are almost always the same. this is not directed at any person in specific. the following is simply my feelings on the topic in general. hell, these are my feeling on many women (not only mothers) in general. am i on a high horse? yes. am i on a soap box? yes. do i feel i have the right to be there given what i've been through and the choices i've made? yes. so. with that:

open letter to single mothers:

i cannot comprehend the loss or injury of a child. it really is beyond anything i could ever imagine. the pain and heartbreak would truly be unbearable.

BUT.

what the fuck did you THINK would happen leaving your innocent, defenseless, completely vulnerable child alone with a man you could not have known for very long?

why the hell are you all so fucking needy? YES, it is hard being a single parent. is it any easier losing your child? why the fuck can’t you learn to be independent and not bounce from boyfriend to boyfriend letting ANYONE in your house and in the presence of your children just so you don’t have to feel lonely? why the hell are these men even home to take care of the children? why aren’t they out working to help support you instead of the other way around? WHY THE HELL ARE THEY EVEN AROUND? grow a pair, learn to change your own fucking light bulbs and open your own damn pickle jars and kick these worthless fucking assholes to the curb!

what authority do i have to speak?

i’ve been a single mom for TWELVE years. i know how hard it is. i worked my ass off to complete high school. graduate from college. get a job. keep a job. take care of my babies above everything else. i know what it’s like to get zero sleep. i know what it’s like to be in the emergency room at 3 am with a sick child knowing you have to go to work (or class) in the morning. i know what it’s like to be down to pennies and still have a week before another paycheck. i know what it’s like to be alone every. single. night. i know what it’s like to feel like you have no one to help you when you’re completely run out and exhausted and ready to give up.

BUT.

that doesn’t mean you sacrifice your child. that doesn’t mean you reach out and grab the first piece of trash floating by just to make yourself feel better for a moment.

your children can not speak for themselves. they cannot defend themselves. they cannot tell you when bad things happen. THAT IS YOUR JOB.

the INSTANT you became pregnant YOU stopped being the most important thing. that little tiny life entrusted to you became the most important thing. being a parent means sacrifice. it means not always getting what you want in order to make sure that little person has what they need. and they NEED safety and security and someone watching out for them. it means you party less, stop snorting everything you can get your drug addicted hands on, stop dragging home every sorry excuse for a boyfriend you dredge up at the local bar. TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN. you protect that little person with everything you have. do every damn thing in your power to make sure they’re taken care of and safe every moment possible. STOP thinking about you. START thinking about that little baby.

there are ways. there are people to help you learn how to take care of yourself. there are people to help you learn to take care of your babies. you can do this safely, on your own. it’s damn hard, but it can be done.

the sad thing is even a loss like this won’t get your attention. in another week or two you’ll be out attaching yourself to another sperm donor. you’ll be getting knocked up with another baby that you’ll leave alone with another guy.

am i saying you have to be alone forever? no. i would never wish that on someone. people need a partner, they need a helper. especially as a parent. BUT. you do not need to grab on to the first available thing just to avoid being alone. you do NOT need to ALWAYS be with someone. you do not need to be out looking for a replacement 5 minutes after the last one is gone (or 2 days before he’s going to be gone for that matter). take some time to learn who you are ALONE. learn to be independent. learn how to take care of yourself. learn how to support yourself. learn how to do all that, THEN find someone that can add to that, not BE all that. trust: you’ll be doing yourself AND your babies a favor.

please, pull your collective heads out of your asses and stop becoming the latest breaking news headline. please stop thinking about yourselves and start thinking about the little people completely dependent on you. please stop being trashy classless whores and start being mothers.

why i hate comcast:

so. i tried to log into my comcast account today (phone/tv/internet for those lucky few who don't know the company) to check my bill and was greeted with a: "please contact the primary user of this account to set up a pin/secret question" error message. umm...i AM the primary user. so i CALLED customer service. they reset the password and "fixed" the problem. signed in again, same error message. so i tried one of their nifty "chat" sessions...here's how that went:

(if you don't want to read the whole thing, here's a quick summary: FUCK YOU COMCAST. YOU FUCKING SUCK.)

LiveAssist Transcript

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chat id : 52c1bb4a-9e51-4b08-a7c5-99ca7d46b7e0

Problem : Need to set a pin and secret question to be able to view my account

sherry > Need to set a pin and secret question to be able to view my account

Armi > Hello sherry_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Armi. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Armi > How are you today Sherry?

sherry_ > i cannot view my bill

sherry_ > it is requiring a pin and secret question but will not allow me to set those

Armi > I understand you are not able to view your bill because it is asking for a pin.

sherry_ > yes

Armi > I thank you for taking time to contact us regarding this issue. There is a way that this can be resolved for you however your chat has been routed to my department that supports only Cable service.

Armi > What I will do now is to transfer this chat to our Internet service representatives as they can address this more efficiently. Is that okay with you Sherry?

sherry_ > ok

Armi > It has been my pleasure serving you today Sherry and I truly appreciate your understanding and cooperation at this point. Before I transfer your chat, do you have other concerns for me today? I will be glad to assist you further.

sherry_ > no. i just want into my account.

Armi > Thank you Sherry. Please stay online, transferring you now.

Armi > Have a great day!

Armi > Please wait, while the problem is escalated to another analyst

Rommel > It is a pleasure to have you on chat! Your issue resolution is my top priority for today.

Rommel > I see that you have a problem on loggin in. Is that correct?

sherry_ > i logged in, but it will not let me view my bill until a pin and a secret question are set

Rommel > I apologize for the inconvenience. Rest assured I will do my best to address your concern today. I know how important it is to check your online account !

Rommel > I will be very happy to assist you in this matter Sherry, you have reached the right person !

Rommel > May I please have the full name and address of the account holder.

sherry_ > sherry at XXXXXXXXX (love you all, not posting my address)

Rommel > Thank you very much !

Rommel > Can I get the username you were logging in?

sherry_ > pissed.off.customer@comcast.net (oh, don't i wish that were actually it!)

Rommel > Thank you !

Rommel > Just to check, it was asking for a 4 digit pin, is that correct?

sherry_ > In accordance with FCC regulations, Comcast requires you to enter your Security PIN and create a Security Question and Answer before you proceed. This will only take a few moments. Thank you.

Rommel > Sherry, would it be okay to resert the password so we can update the pin information in your account?

sherry_ > ok

Rommel >

For verification, can I get the the last four digit of the SSN .

sherry_ > XXXX

Rommel > Thank you for the additional information you provided me.

Rommel > Please give me 1-2 minutes to process this. Thank you.

Rommel > While waiting, please allow me to take this opportunity to share with you one of the main features that you can get with Comcast which is our online site where you can watch full TV shows and movies online. Go to www.fancast.com and experience the best of TV online! With Fancast, the privilege of watching your favorite TV show episodes, movies, trailers and clips at no cost whatsoever is yours. So, go ahead and discover a whole bunch of entertainment just for you!

Rommel > Would it be okay to call you @ (509) 867-5309 to verify some information you shared with us earlier so we can proceed the the password reset and get the security pin ?

sherry_ > no. i'm not at home. i'm at work. why is this so difficult to do? isn't there a link i can click or a page i can go to?

sherry_ > and i was JUST ON a customer service phone call...that didn't work so i tried this. i REALLY do not want to go in another circle.

sherry_ > i just need my bill available.

Rommel > Sherry, the pin was part of your phone service that FCC mandated should be kept and verified when accessing phone service.

Rommel > In the account, the pin has not yet been updated.

sherry_ > why didn't they do that when i signed up for the phone service?

Rommel > To do thid we need to call you to verify information you shared earlier.

sherry_ > WHY DIDN'T THEY DO THAT WHEN I JUST CALLED IN?

Rommel > I apologize but the pin will be given once the phone will be successfully installed.

sherry_ > the phone has been successfully installed for a few weeks now

Rommel > I do apologize but the pin was not activated, since we also need you to call so we can give you the pin number when you call us.

Rommel > But before we do that, we have to call you on your comcast phone for verification.

sherry_ > are you kidding me?

sherry_ > this is fubar. the phone was installed weeks ago. i was JUST ON the phone with a customer service rep.

sherry_ > there is NO reason this should be so difficult

Rommel > Sherry, this is not difficult as long as we can verify you. Another option I can offer is send you the pin by mail since you have verified information on this chat.

Rommel > Then you can use that security pin to log in.

sherry_ > mail will take days. by the time i get home and call in the wait time is forever. I VERIFIED MY INFORMATION ALREADY today. TWICE. this is not acceptable customer service.

Rommel > Sherry, as much I wanted to help you set up the password and pin, there is a procedure that we need to follow.

sherry_ > one that has obviously been screwed up a few times already.

Rommel > Sherry, is there somebody in your home to answer the phone right now ?

sherry_ > no.

sherry_ > i am at work. as i already stated.

Rommel > What I can suggest is give us a chat or call later to verify, then we have the pin updated. We are open 24/7 .

Rommel > Will this be okay with you ?

sherry_ > no that is not okay with me. i don't want to waste MORE of my time chasing my tail in circles on something that should be simple. there is no reason for me to waste my evening on something like this when i have already verified my information TWICE today, and when the initial mistake was on YOUR part not doing this when the phone was installed.

sherry_ > i am the ONLY person listed on the account. and i have have already verified my information twice. i need access to my account immediatly.

Rommel > I do apologize but we would need to verify you on your comcast phone to get the security pin. This is an FCC mandate which comcast strictly adheres to. Not doing this , will have consequences for the provider.

sherry_ > strictly adheres to? then why wasn't it done WEEKS ago? i really don't give a rats ass about your consequences. i need into my account NOW. your screw up should not be my problem.

Rommel > Sherry, I am really sorry but we are unable to get you the security pin without the call to your home. What I can do is note down this issue and have somebody calls you when you arrive home to verify. Just give us the time to call, and we will be happy to do that.

Rommel > No need for you to chat back.

sherry_ > whatever. fine. call around 7.

Rommel > Thank you very much. Again my apologies.

Rommel > Will there be anything else I can help you with for today? I will be happy to extend my time to help you on this matter.

sherry_ > well, i can't get into my account to see if there's anything i need help with...so...

sherry_ > i needed to see if the previous credits to my account went through to see if the balance owing is correct...but since i can't get into my own damn account, i guess i get to wait til later to do that too.

Rommel > Thank you for choosing Comcast as your provider. Comcast appreciates your business and values you as a customer. Our goal is to provide you with excellent service. If you need further assistance, you can chat with one of our Customer Support Specialists 24 hour a day, 7 days a week at http://www.comcastsupport.com/videochat . Have a good day !

HAVE A GOOD DAY? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? FUCK YOU COMCAST.

what's thursday without a little crazy?

i . am. annoyed.

no, that’s not quite right. i’m flat out fucking pissed off.

this whole breaking up thing…i thought once you did it you were DONE with it. turns out: not so much.

jaysus fucking chryst on toast. i mean REALLY? do i have to keep arguing and battling even after i pulled the plug?

saturday was the break up talk. sunday he decided he needed to stop by my house (DRUNK) to drop off the portable dvd cord that he had for some unknown reason (i can’t break up with him becky, like, all my cd’s are in his truck…dane cook anyone?).

so. sunday. thought he got the point. DONE. over. out. moving on.

last night i got a text asking how the kids and i were and if he could stop by because he found a receipt and he didn’t know what it was for.

-sigh-

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? a receipt? and you can’t read it? are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?

whatever. i found a few more of his things in my room that needed returned anyway, so might as well get it over with.

so. after 8 (when little spawn goes to bed) he texts me to TELL me he’s on his way over. not to ask, not to see if it’s ok. to TELL me he’s on his way. FUCKING FUCK. THIS IS MY FUCKING HOUSE, MY RULES. YOU FUCKING CHECK FIRST.

so he comes over. and i let him into the kitchen and hand him his stuff. and he’s all…you didn’t hug me. and i’m all…didn’t know i was supposed to.

oh…can we talk for a minute? you know…as friends?

-sigh-

where’s my inner bitch when i need her?

FINE. a few minutes.

and then i hear about all the big changes he’s making in his life and how much has changed and how much he’s improved and pulled things together. he has an offer for more work hours, he’s working out, bought a bike and rides every day, bought a dog…on and on. ummm…it’s been THREE FUCKING DAYS since i last saw him. and he was smashing drunk then. so…you know…when did all these fucking amazing changes happen exactly? and this is supposed to make me come rushing back to him? let’s see…where does that one fall…i think that falls into the FUCK NO category.

and he wants to hear about what i’m doing and what changes i’m making and where i’m going in life. umm…again…THREE FUCKING DAYS. work and kids. and grocery shopping. that’s all that’s happened. so. quit fucking pushing me and expecting all the same shit that i ended things over. i’m not going to fucking magically heal over night. i’m not going to suddenly just be better. there’s no fucking magic switch to flip and have life be right again. and i’m just pissed off and tired of the bullshit and the expectations and crap. then he wants to talk in private in the kitchen (oldest spawn was still up and in the living room).

umm…what big private thing do we need to talk about? insert here the whole drama of how we’re not really broken up. all couples have arguments and just need a little cooling off time.

THIS ISN’T FUCKING COOLING OFF TIME. it’s over. done. STICK A GOD DAMN FORK IN IT. but i just need to keep him around, in a back corner, just a little space, he can stay at his house and we’ll just text. he’ll just stay quiet. he’ll just…

WHAT DON’T YOU FUCKING GET? no. i will not keep you in a back corner or in a little space. this isn’t some fucking waiting game. this isn’t some little bump. THIS IS ME BEING DONE. you know that whole thing when i called it quits about you not listening to me? THIS IS WHAT I MEANT. i’m fucking DONE. i’m tired of arguing, discussing, having to defend my every decision.

and around and around it went. i finally just told him to leave. which turned into a 5 minute process of him saying goodbye and reminding me he’ll still be there and he still loves me and JUST FUCKING LEAVE ALREADY. and he finally gets out the door, i take a deep breath, and *knock knock* oh…by the way, here’s the receipt….it’s for the fucking lamp that YOU BOUGHT. it says right on it. LAMP. from the store he bought it at. are you fucking kidding me? this was the whole point of coming over? GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE. so he leaves. deep breath *knock knock* just wanted to tell me he loves me. GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. at which point i closed and locked the door in his face.

WHAT PART OF _OVER_ IS SO FUCKING HARD TO UNDERSTAND.

then the texts start:

“do u know u gave me a hope to keep going in my life because my life is u? i love you.”

“and i will waiting u until last day in my live.”

“and i bromise u i will naver cheating u until u come back to me. and i will naver looking to any gairil. i love you.”

and still today:

“do u think today its butafull…i think every day it will be like that when u smail. i love you”

(spellings left the way they came in because i’m a cold hearted bitch)

and i know…awwww…he loves me and he’s willing to wait for me and he’s so dedicated. NO. he fucking refuses to listen to what i want/need and thinks he knows better. IT’S FUCKING OVER. i’m done. i’m out. i’m not going back. i can’t keep doing the arguing and the defending every single thing i feel and say. i can’t keep feeling bad for FEELING. i can’t keep sitting under the pressure and expectation to just be better. i can’t keep doing this whole circle. i want to rip my fucking hair out thinking about it. instant migraine thinking of the around and around arguments. sheer stress thinking of the pressure to be better for someone else and feeling bad for falling apart different days and for taking my own sweet damn time to go through this whole process. just even typing about it is lighting me up…just want to punch a raccoon (they already have black eyes, you’ll never be able to tell).

JUST FUCKING LISTEN TO ME:

OVER. no more. done. don’t stop by with some lame excuse. don’t call. don’t text. don’t keep trying to pressure or guilt me into something i don’t want and isn’t healthy for me. BACK. THE. FUCK. OFF. i feel like i’m being backed into a fucking corner and it isn’t going to be pretty when i have to fight my way out.

so. that’s the vent for today. back to your regularly scheduled thursday now…

so THAT'S why they call it carma...

what did i do this weekend? (now that it’s wednesday…)

well. since you asked…

come on down bob barker…IT’S A NEW CAR!!

that’s right. I BOUGHT A CAR. *heart attack*

and bought as in BOUGHT, no payments, no mess, just all mine. *sigh* oh happy new car, how i love you.

let me introduce you: this is bonni-

and that’s bonni with an _I_ not an _IE_. these things are important. and bonni speaks with a british accent and say s things like cheerio and top notch. yes, my cars, talk, they have names, and they have personalities. my last little girl was annie- of course she was…what else do you name a red head?

so. NEW CAR.

and i have a feeling this may change SEVERAL THINGS.

let me explain: i don’t have very good luck. not luck as in “hey look, i found a $10 bill on the side of the road” but luck as in life in general going smoothly and drama free and low stress. my life is pretty much the exact opposite of all that.

i believe in karma. i believe in a balance in the world. i try to do good things. i try to keep my positive side above my negative side. i try to help others whenever i can (except panhandlers…you’re not getting any change from me!), i try to do the right thing, i try to always be honest and forthright and all that. but it seems that no matter what i do, my karma never really pulls through for me.

or so i thought.

i haven’t owned many cars. my first car was a p.o.s. 1988 GOLD (mr t would have stepped back and said WHOA) chevy beretta. it didn’t work more than it DID work- something about the starter chip and they didn’t know how to fix it and whatever. not a fan of that car. had to change out when the kiddo came along, bought a 1992 saturn sl2, drove that and LOVED it until the ex husband decided it was time to trade it in on the biggest piece of shit i’ve ever owned, some kind of isuzu rodeo that had stripped 4x hubs, a radio that had been stolen and patched back in, a starter that didn’t work, and a rear tire that had to be held shut with a bungee cord. oh my god. i HATED that car. thanks, hubby, for making sure i had a nice reliable car. fucking asshole. in the divorce, the judge gave me his truck that i had just paid to put a new engine into- a 1996 dodge ram extra cab long bed…HATED that truck too. it was a monster. impossible to get a 5 year old and a brand new baby in and out of the flip forward seats, impossible to drive, even more impossible to park. BUT, i’m realizing that’s where my good CARma started.

i took that truck after the divorce and needed to trade it in on something practical. so my dad had his buddy pick out a car for me from his lot, i drove my truck to grandview (yakima valley), and traded the beast in on my little annie. now. if you’ve ever driven to the yakima type area, you know that it’s long stretches of highway with NOTHING and the trip in total is about 3 hours depending on how you roll. i took the truck by myself, drove down, managed 80 most of the way, stopped for food/gas once, and pulled into the lot in grandview. the truck drove great, new engine was working smoothly, not a hitch along the way, never a whisper of trouble at all with that truck. it was reliable, i’ll give it that.

i pulled into the parking lot of the car dealership, parked the truck, and took my new (to me) little ford focus. easy peasy. all picked out and decided for me. well, bud (the dealer) walked over to have a look at my truck. here’s how it went:

bud: what’s that? (pointing to my tailgate)

me: um…road grime? i didn’t have a chance to wash it before getting here.

bud: that’s not road grime, that’s oil.

me: where would oil be coming from like that?

bud: your rear axle…did you have any problems?

me: not one. drove fine- did 80 down here and not even a hint of a problem.

bud: hmmm….

turns out, in the rear axle of those trucks there are 12 ball bearing in the whatever dealie thing that makes the read end work- differential maybe? not a car girl. anyway…out of those 12 ball bearings, 8 were ground to powder, 2 were shattered, and only 2 were left in good condition. they had to tow the truck across the street to the repair shop because they couldn’t even move it off the lot. umm…HOW DID I DRIVE IT THREE HOURS? how did i stop for gas and food and manage to keep going? how had i been driving it for weeks before that? WHAT THE HELL?

score one for good CARma.

so. i had my little 2002 ford focus to replace it. things were good for a while. that little car did a LOT for me. drove her for 6 years. the last 2 years she’s been getting tired. my dad was set that i needed a new one. every time i talked to him he told me i needed a new car. every trip to his house he would clean her, check her over, and remind me that i needed a new one. he and my brother were going to help me pick one out for my 30th…much like vegas with dad, that never did and never will happen. but i knew it was time for a new car, with or without dad. i’ve been shopping for a long time. i’ve been doing research, looking at what i like, tracking consumer reports, prices, used cars, everything. i knew eventually my little girl would need replaced. the last two years she’s been making some pretty strange noises- every time i would hit a bump or a pothole in the road she would chatter pretty good. i’ve had les schwab check her out the last three times they changed the tires- everything looked good to them. i had a mechanic friend drive her and check her out- i was just making up the noises and the problems. but i knew she was getting tired, i knew she was running rough. i knew the transmission fluid needed changed, the air filter sensor was throwing an engine error light, the rear struts needed changed, there’s a few dents and dings on her (not too bad), she was getting tired.

so. it was time. i shopped, test drove, haggled, had a nervous break down, and finally bought a new car. thank you dad- you helped me get a new car, just in a very different way. i was able to take part of his estate and just pay cash for a new car. no worries about payments. no worries about anything mechanical for 8 years (or 100,000 miles), brand new, all the bells and whistles maintenance/road side assistance/safety wise (EIGHT airbags up in there people. EIGHT!). a GOOD, reliable, safe new car that isn’t making any strange noises.

there was some talk for a short while about the then boyfriend taking my little red car to drive. but we all know how that worked out. so NOW what do i do with a second car? i asked a mechanic friend if he wanted her, free and clear, to fix up and sell. whatever he makes can go in his pocket. i know she needs work and he’ll have to pay out that way. i wouldn’t have gotten much trade in wise- so this just worked well.

so. he took annie on sunday. and drove her. and complained about how rough she was running and all the strange noises she was making. YOU THINK? shit…i’ve been saying that for years and he told me i was crazy!

come to find out, he took some time to look over her yesterday- there’s a ball joint type thing in the front of the car that’s (from my understanding) the car version of a truck’s u-joint (i know what THAT sounds like when it goes out). the ball joint is almost completely separated. NOT GOOD. so. basically, like with the truck, he has no idea how i’ve been driving her around this long. he said it was BAD up in there.

so. turns out my CARma was working. it was keeping my car running…as much as possible. TWICE my carma has pulled through that way.

so. here’s my theory: now that i have a good, reliable, brand new car, my karma can return to normal things and maybe life will level out in other areas for a while. it can change back from CARma to karma and maybe other good things will start to happen.

here’s hoping…

breaking up is hard to do

“A lot can be achieved by way of a little soul searching right now. There's some stuff going on with you on a level that's deeper than the everyday- perhaps regarding an important relationship- and it's definitely worth some thought. Meditating and writing in a journal might help you to get some free-form feelings down- then you can begin to apply your trademark powers of analysis. Clarity is right around the corner.”

so. that’s the horoscope for today. i know- i keep posting these horoscope things. i’m not a big believer in them, but it’s interesting to see how close they can be at times. that is to say, i don’t rule my life by them, i don’t check them every day or base decisions on them but every now and again when i log into yahoo i’ll check it and days like today it’s odd how close it matches up to what’s going on. not bad for some random computer spitting out some philosophical jargon and smashing it into a paragraph.

but. there is some stuff going on with me regarding an important relationship: there is no more boyfriend.

pretty important. especially considering how important it was that there even was one. things never really recovered from the fight. hell, they didn’t recover at all. i didn’t talk to him until friday afternoon when i texted him to see if he wanted to go pick up my new car with me. i got back “sure, but then we need to talk.” -sigh-

suffice to say: much discussion, most of it was my fault (some valid, some not), and that’s all there is, there is no more.

well, except for the part where i keep thinking about it. THINKING though. not heartbroken. not trying to patch it up. just thinking about it. replaying it all. looking at it from every angle. looking for my lessons. it’s what i do. analyze everything even beyond its’ natural death.

and i go back and forth. he was there when i needed him the most. that’s hard to let go. but there have also been issues and little arguments all the way along and those are really draining. not something i need right now. one of those- when it was good it was very very good, but when it was bad it was horrid things. there’s a time and a reason for everything. there’s a reason he found me all the way from iraq at the time he did. if it’s meant to, it will come back around again, but right now is not the right time for either of us. we both have a ton of learning and healing and work to do. he’s made me stronger in different ways, and i hope i’ve made him stronger too. he’s learning to be a grown man and make his own decisions and choices for himself, not what family or culture says he needs to do. that’s a gigantic shift for him. i can’t even imagine how terrifying but freeing that is all at the same time. and me- hell, i don’t know which direction is up right now. i need to get my feet back on the ground, take care of me and the spawns, make sure we’re all healthy and we come out of this stronger, and then MAYBE i can let someone back in. and who knows if that will be him or someone new. i don’t know. i just know that right now it wasn’t right. the fights over nothing. the fights over everything. the arguments, the misunderstandings. his belief of love is that you each give up a part of yourselves to become one. i disagree. i believe you add to each other to become one. i’ve fought too damn long and hard to build myself up. there’s not a piece of me i want to give away for someone else. i would love for someone to add to me, but i’m not giving up one damn part of myself ever again.

but i’ve been thinking about it non-stop since wednesday. since friday night. all ive been doing is thinking about it. did i do what’s right? will i regret it? i don’t believe in regret, so what can i change or learn from it? i need to make sure i know why i did what i did. and i need to know that it was right for me. so i keep looking at it, turning the glass looking at each flaw and imperfection. and the truth is, i know why i did what i did. i know it is right for me in this moment. but you still wonder…

the crazy fight (aka: he's too nice)

welcome to my crazy.

today, on as the word of general (psychiatric) hospital turns through the days of our lives:

the boyfriend and i had a fight last night. it ended with him storming out and staying at his house for the evening. and i haven’t talked to him yet today.

what was the fight about you ask?

he’s too damn supportive.

oh yeah, you read that right. in my crazy world, there’s such a thing as too damn supportive.

see. last night was a bad night for me. as in complete and total breakdown. CRACKERS.

i went to look at a car and test drive it and all that junk. i didn’t want to make a deal right away because i knew that a) you shouldn’t take the first offer, and b) i’m having a fucking hard time spending money that came from my dad dying. YES, i need a new car. mine is starting to make too many strange noises. YES, the money i spend will be for a good, reliable, long lasting vehicle. YES, it’s something my dad wanted to help me do before he died anyway. but DAMN, it’s hard people! and it’s my dad…and it’s this huge- there’s not even a word for it. its this gigantic mess of emotions on so many different levels.

so i tell the sales guy i need to go home and think it over for the night. so i get the kids in bed and the boyfriend goes to see his friends and it’s just me. and i sit down at the little table where i have my dad’s hat and badge and basically all that’s left of him and my brother- the little memorial table in my living room. and i sit down to talk to my dad about it. and i look at his picture. and i just lost it. it hit me SO HARD that he’s not coming back. i know i did the service, and spread the ashes, and i’ve talked about it. but sitting there, looking at his picture, knowing that’s the only way i could see him any more. it hit like a fucking mac truck running down a san francisco hill with no brakes. it just leveled me. and i’m bawling and falling apart really for the first time. i LET myself just feel it. i didn’t have to keep it together for the kids or the boyfriend or family or general people. i just let myself grieve. and be sad. and be angry. oddly enough, that’s the first time through all of this that i’ve just let myself completely go. and it all came out in one giant mess. and i’m crying so hard i’m sick and i’m snotting everywhere and it felt good. to get it all out. to let myself really be sad.

and i finally make it through a good mess of all that, pull myself together, drag my backside to bed, and the boyfriend comes home.

so. he sees me in bed, looking like a rabid raccoon. and he gets upset. he wants to know what’s wrong. he wants me to talk to him, he’s in my face and hugging me and staring at me and asking me every 30 seconds to talk to him. now. this might not sound too bad. nice guy, right? how can i be mad at him for being worried about/concerned about me?

well. i’m a freak. so. you know. there’s that. i don’t like big hugs. i’m an in and out type person. i don’t like being stared at. forever. i don’t like someone bugging me every 30 seconds to talk. TRUST: when i’m ready to talk you won’t be able to shut me up. bugging me like that is only going to piss me off. and i try to tell him- i can’t talk right now. i don’t have words. i’m just sad and i just want to be sad for a while. but that’s not good enough. and i’ve told him before that i don’t like people all up on me and all over me. it makes me feel claustrophobic like i’m suffocating. i don’t like the touching, it’s too much for me. i go on sensory overload. if i want touch, i’ll come to you. and when my little charge port is full, i’ll back off. is it selfish? is it all about me? right now, fuck yes it is. sorry. that’s just what’s going down right now.

but he gets all offended that i won’t talk to him and keep pushing him away. so i leave the bedroom, i go to the living room to be alone. i’m trying like hell to not explode and freak out on him. trying to keep it all to myself and contain the crazy a little. but he follows me. and keeps poking the bear.

-sigh-

i KNOW, i KNOW. he’s just worried and trying to help. and i know some women would kill for a man so attentive and worried. but jaysus fuck. BACK OFF. and it just keeps getting worse. and he keeps getting more offended. and IT’S NOT ABOUT HIM RIGHT NOW. it’s about me. and i’m worried about trying to keep my sanity together. i’m sorry he’s offended, but i’m not going to focus on that right now. and he decides to go pack his shit and leave for the night and storm out. and part of me wants to stop him and make him feel better, but fuck it, _I_ need to feel better first. I AM ALLOWED TO BE UPSET. and he kept telling me to calm down. WHY? i’ve been calming down since august 16th. i’ve been being nice. i’ve been keeping it together. I AM ALLOWED TO BE UPSET AND FALL APART. I AM ALLOWED TO FEEL MY PAIN AND EXPERIENCE IT. i’m allowed to be hurt and be angry. I DON’T HAVE TO CALM DOWN.

so. he packed up and stormed out without saying anything. and i felt like an ass not trying to stop him. but i also felt like it didn’t need to stop him. if he was offended, that’s not on me. those are HIS feelings, and i’m not responsible for them. i tried to tell him. i asked for my space. i asked to be left alone. i asked for him to stop sitting and staring at me like a fucking crazy animal in a zoo.

so. he left. and i watched an episode of dexter to calm down and fall asleep. cause nothing says sleep like watching a serial killer hunt serial killers. and i haven’t talked to him yet today. and i’m not sure i want to. and i know it would be silly to end something over him being too worried about me (there’s other issues too). but part of me is already out the door. and part of me knows there probably wasn’t a right thing for him to do when i was feeling like that, but of the not right things to do, he really did pick the worst option and run with it. or…you know…sit and stare at me with it.

so. you know. welcome to my crazy.