popped that cherry

so, this weekend i popped my cherry.

bet you didn't think i had any left to pop, did you?

this was my...fuck...i don't even know what to call it...drag racing? funny cars? something. i don't know. the thing where's there's a 1/4 mile track and all different cars see how loud and obnoxious they can be on it.

and something about speed.

it wasn't NASCAR. i know that much. straight track vs oval track. i did one of those races in oregon when i was a kid with my dad.

just now remembered that.

strange piece of flashback shrapnel.

i love you dad.

ANYTWADDLE.

the boyfriend invited me to go out to the race track with him this weekend.

there's SO MUCH i learned in one night.


first, it's LOUD.

i mean L.O.U.D.

i mean literal jet engines less than 100 yards away from you SCREAMING LOUD.

when we got there i was thinking: "hell, i've worked in a power plant, been around welding, fabrication, heavy equipment. i've been to concerts, motocross events, children's school concerts, how much worse could it be?"

answer: WHAT???? 

it was LOUD.

when you see burly "real men" (you know what i mean) walking around and they apparently can't afford a shirt but sure as hell can afford ear plugs and unabashedly wear them THE WHOLE TIME, you know it's loud.

at least MOST (not all, asshole parents) kids had noise cancelling headphones on thankfully. some did not. i'm guessing those are the same families where graduating the 3rd grade is still an accomplishment and all the edjumication anyone really needs.

to those kids i say this: next time ya'll go to a "fancy" dinner a chuck e cheese, WASH OFF THE STAMP. trust, whomever steals you is better than your asshole parents.

#2: i finally know who the assholes are that keep the flash/scratch "tattoo artists" in business. never in my life have i seen so many shitty tattoos in one place. yes, sir, that is a particularly spectacular loony tunes character. yes, i'm sure Yosemite Sam is your spirit guide.

now i do admit that i'm a bit of a tattoo snob. I KNOW: to each their own, and i'm sure that completely generic butterfly tramp stamp has all sorts of special meaning. i just can't help but be a firm believer in tattoos having a LITTLE bit of quality since it will be on your skin forever. i also can't help but believe that 2x2x$20 needs to die in scratcher hell. the sooner the better.

just because your buddy is "really good" at drawing and was able to mail order a machine DOES NOT mean you should let him permanently mar your skin in his kitchen on a drunken sunday night.

#3: ladies, you'll be glad to know: THE SCRUNCHIE IS STILL IN.

that's right. if you want a fancy pony tail, don't bother looking up ways to tease, part, pin, anything on pinterest. your answer is probably still hiding somewhere in the deep confines of your bathroom cabinet. nothing says SUPER SEXY like a wadded up piece of material that TOTALLY matches your outfit. that's right. just pull your severely damaged by box color hair up into a hasty mess somewhere between pebbles and softball player and secure with a nice scrunchie. BAM. victorias secret should be calling any time.

bonus points for rocking the side pony with a scrunchie. sadly, i did not see any of those. total disappointment.

#4: you're not a REAL couple until you have matching hair.

oh yeah.. MATCHING. HAIR.

his and hers, mid back, muddy brown electrical shock "curly" (i mean..i guess that's what it's closest to?) hair.

yeah.

THAT HAPPENED.

only thing i can even imagine that would be better is his and hers mullets. i've seen pictures, but to spot a pair of those in the wild would be nothing short of a miracle.

sadly, the boyfriend and i will never be a REAL couple. he's rocking the mr. clean look and i'm rocking an amazingly red mid shoulder length. drat. (seriously, not to brag, but this red is fucking amazing. i have the best colorist/stylist OF ALL TIME. see? it matches the octopus!).



back to the list. #what the fuck ever.

auto racing? fucking COOL.

aside from the rednecks, aside from WAY too many people without shirts, aside from the shitty tattoos and over prices drinks ($6.50 for a water and a soda?? SERIOUSLY? after a $25 admission ticket??) racing is fucking cool to watch.

the cars are amazing to look at, the mechanics behind the races are mind-blowing (did you know they do a FULL ENGINE rebuild between every race?), the pit crews and spotters and teams are entrancing to watch, then there's the actual races.

the science behind burn outs, the conditions of the track, the weather, humidity, barometric pressure, EVERYTHING that goes into a 6.85 second race. it's fucking cool.

plus, some of them shoot fire.

i mean. FIRE.

it was a really fun night. watching the races, feeling the different engines (yes, you can FEEL some of them rattle you in the stands), just being OUT.

which is another thing. some intentional, some unintentional, i'm (sorry, sappy moment ahead) so grateful for my friends the last few weeks. from phone calls checking in, text messages, face book messages, people coming over for dinner or inviting me over to hang out, making plans, getting me out of the house, it's been a literal life saver the last several days.

sappy crap over.

RACING. if it's around you anywhere, go check it out. it really is a fun experience. i was told that i could even race my caliber on some of the open race nights...hmmm....

not great

this last week has been really hard.

as in i typed that sentence then stared at my screen for almost an hour because i couldn't type any more.

today is the third anniversary of losing my dad.

three years.

this year has been worse than any of the other years.

the last week i have been on the verge of tears CONSTANTLY. i've been wicked snappy and grumpy.

i just- i don't know.

maybe it's the frustration of nothing happening with the house. maybe it's the stress of job hunting. maybe it's realizing that i really do suck at this finding a significant other thing (even when i honestly try).

maybe it's all of it, maybe it's none of it.

maybe it's finally having the time for all the emotions i've been avoiding for three years.

i couldn't have a break down after my dad died. i couldn't sit all day and stare at nothing. i had to go to work, take care of kids, DO THINGS.

now...i work all of 10 hours a week. that translates into a LOT of free time. one spawn is gone for the summer, the other (when not asking annoying questions) is able to take care of himself for the most part. i don't have places to go or people to see. i just have...time.

time to think about how much i've fucked up over the last three years.

time to think about how much i miss my dad. how long it's been since i talked to him. time to think about how disappointed he would be to see where i am now. and i know he would still love me and support me, but i know he would also be disappointed in me. i haven't done anything. i haven't accomplished anything. i bought a house i hate. i quit a stable job to drift. and i'm still drifting, and it's getting scary. i still can't make the relationship thing work. i still haven't figured out where i want to be in the future or how to get there.

and then there's these out of the blue moments that sock you right in the gut- like watching a stupid sitcom and the character's dad dies and you can't breathe watching how they write the storyline of people trying to handling it.

and then there's moments of watching one of your good friend go into labor and have a baby and you realize how damn lucky you are that you had kids young and at least they had a few years of getting to know their grandpa.

and moments of watching a tv show with a fire scene that almost makes you throw up and not be able to sleep for a week.

and moments of trying to explain what happened to someone new and still not understanding it yourself.

and moments of needing a hug. 

and moments of wanting to rip the arm off anyone who tries to touch you.

and moments of friends checking in when you can barely get a word out to pretend you're ok.

and moments when you can't pretend anymore.

it's been a long week.

and i'm sitting here. just. wrecked.

and not sure how to put the pieces back together. wondering why it took three years to catch up to me. and wondering why i couldn't just stuff it down a little while longer.

i'm having a hard time.

it's a bad day after a long week.

and i know tomorrow will be a different day. and i know that eventually things will not be this hard. or i'll learn how to deal with them better or SOMETHING will be different. 

but today i'm not great.

stuck

i've been wandering around in this land of nothing for the last few weeks- only working one day a week, working on the house as i'm able (or help is available), just...drifting. there's been plenty of wasted time thanks to netflix and...honestly, i'm not sure what else.

i have worked on thinning out the crap that's stacked up around the house- furniture, clothes, STUFF, endless piles of STUFF that's accumulated over the last two years despite best efforts to routinely clean out and donate to arc or value village or give it away to people that might have a need. good god...SO MUCH STUFF. stupid consumer mindset.

anyway. i'm a fan of the drifting. it's nice to not HAVE to do things, but at the same time...i have no idea what i want to do. i have no idea what i want from a LOT of things.

but drifting only gets you so far. and it gets old QUICK.

i've never been a 10 year plan kinda gal. i've never been a corporate climber or one of those people with nine billion business ideas but no time to do them. hell, all i have lately is time and no ideas.

i still don't really know what i want to be when i grow up- i know what i'm good at, i know what i enjoy doing, but none of those things are what i could see myself doing day after day until the time social security (if it still exists then) kicks in.

i love writing- but do i want to do it every day under deadline and with other people editing/critiquing constantly? i honestly don't know.

i love making jewelry. doesn't exactly pay the bills.

i'm a damn good secretary but i tend to get bored sitting at the same desk pushing the same papers day after day.

so today i'm sitting here thinking about what i want.

********************
ok. so i started this blog a few weeks ago and circled back to it again today. i did not change ONE. SINGLE. THING. all the feelings are the same, everything is the same.

WHICH ISN'T GOOD.

i means i haven't pulled myself out of my funk yet.

it means i'm wallowing.

pigs wallow.

in mud.

and poop.

ew.

so. if nothing else, the funk has gotten worse over the last few weeks which makes me want to haul my ass out even more.

the last week has been especially hard- everything around me is changing.

friends are starting school or finishing school or off to start new careers. new babies are arriving. relationships are changing. friends are reaching their AMAZING career goals (side note: sitting with a great friend when they get the job offer of a life time is an amazing moment).

it sounds strange, but my #wednesdaynightshenannigans coming to an end this week hit particularly hard. see, if you haven't been properly stalking me for the last 2.5 years then what you don't know is that every wednesday i have MY bar, MY band, MY night out. it's been the same place and time and band every wednesday (as much as possible anyway) for TWO AND A HALF years. that ended this week. the band is going through some changes and it this week was the last performance in this bar on wednesdays.

YES, the bar will still be there. YES, they'll still have music. YES, my band is still playing (in different locations with a new guitar player). so the world isn't ENDING, but pretty damn close.

it was just...this moment. the end of an era. one more in a series of changes while i'm stuck sitting still.

and i feel STUCK.

i'm waiting...

waiting to hear back from resumes sent out. waiting for the house to sell. waiting for the teenage spawn to decide where he wants to live. waiting...waiting...waiting.

and i'm TRYING to do things. i've got the house as finished as possible to sell. i'm sending out applications and kicking buckets. i'm talking to the spawn and helping him reason through things.

but NOTHING is happening.

and i'm just.

STUCK.

and everything around me is changing and growing and taking shape.

and here i am.

and it sucks.

and i think the hardest thing is that i still DON'T KNOW what exactly i'm looking for. i don't know where i want to be. i don't know.

i don't know if i want to stay in spokane.

i don't know if i still want to be a secretary.

i don't know if it's better for the teenager to be with me or his dad at this point.

i just...don't know.

and it's hard to get traction to do anything when you do know what the thing is you want to do.

and i feel like i'm SO CLOSE to something. i feel like there's this huge moment just around the corner, but i can't quite round it yet.

i'm just.

frustrated.

and i know that when i'm frustrated is when i need to write the most. and i haven't even been doing that. and i say i will. and i have a million ideas of things to write about. but by the time i sit down to do it i'd rather browse hours of nothingness on netflix instead.

yes, i realize how lame that is.

i need some kind of a kick in the ass. i need something to connect. and i know when it does it will be excellent. hell, my fortune cookie told me so, see:

i just need to unstuckify myself.

so. if you need me, i'll be over here with the proverbial crow bar.

in the mean time...any writing suggestions? questions about anything that i can answer in long vomitous rambling form?

what doesn't kill you still hurts like fuck

i've been trying to sit down and write this for well over a week now.

i've been through a full season of friends while procrastinating, worked on the house, mowed the lawn, sat starting at nothing for a good many hours, talked to friends, gone to work...hell, i even went on a small shopping spree trying to avoid this.

yet here we are.

i've started, restarted, hand written, cussed and discussed with friends, i can't seem to make this one come out the way it needs to. or maybe the way i think i need it to.

so. if i can't make it come out the way i think it needs to, then how does it REALLY need to come out?


two weeks ago i was quietly minding my own business when a voicemail came in:

"hi there, we're on our way to town and wanted to know if we could stop and say goodbye to the boys. (insert tragic crying here). we're moving to alabama and wanted a chance to say hello and goodbye."

thanks. MOM.

yeah. my mom calls and gives me an hour notice she's moving across the country. spiffy.
 
so i called back. told her she could stop by but her husband still isn't allowed near my house. i have this funny rule about not letting pedophiles near my kids. strange, i know. overprotective bitch of a mom i guess.

"but you'll be there the whole time..."

no. not sorry at all. WILL NOT let a pedophile around my kids. PERIOD. end of sentence.

"oh. well then i'll be in contact."

oh rejection. we meet again.

my mother is moving across the country, gives an hour notice, and AGAIN (still) decides a pedophile is more important to her than her own blood.

*sigh*

at least i've learned that it's not ME. i've done nothing wrong. her choices are HER choices. i'll never know why. i'll never be able to change it. all i can do is stand my ground, protect my kids, and let the rest roll off.

if you know me at all, you know how hard it is to write that small paragraph. let it roll off.  it's not me.

so. i call my brother to find out what's going on. long story short- job changes.

BUT. my brother happens to mention that he came up on memorial day for a goodbye party at mums house.

i'm sorry.

WHAT?

he drove through town with his family TWICE. there and back. TWICE. and didn't bother to call, stop by, give me a heads up or anything.

so. yeah. that rejection thing. twice in under an hour.

ouch.

oh, and remember that whole break up thing just a few days before?

how many hits can an ego take in three days?

so. there it is. three strikes. fucking ow.

surprisingly, that all didn't rattle me as much as i thought it would. at least not in the way i thought it would. i didn't go through the rejection feelings i normally would. i didn't feel wrong or broken. i didn't feel at fault, or damaged. i know it's their decisions. i know i'm still ok. i know i can't answer things for them or change their minds. i know that it will only drive me bat shit crazy trying to answer the why. i know that i just have to say THAT SUCKS. that really fucking sucks ass. it hurts like a mother fucker. it isn't the way it should (yes, i understand that should's are a problem in themselves) be. IT FUCKING HURTS. even if i'm ok not knowing why. even if i'm ok knowing it's not me. even if i'm ok still loving who i am- IT STILL FUCKING SUCKS.

so i say that. i recognize that. i own that.

and i move on.

or i sit still in one place it turns out.

i'm not hurt, but i'm also not moving forward.

here it is a few weeks later and i'm drifting. i've got my head up my ass making some shit decisions, letting myself get lost in a few strange/unexpected ways.

and then another blow to the good old ego.

my mom stopped by today completely out of the blue. just pulled up to my house at noon on a friday.

a) why the fuck isn't she in alabama?
b) why the fuck is she stopping by without calling?
c) what the fuck could she possibly want?

no answers to a or b, but the answer to c was apparently to prove to me again why i'm better off without her in my life.

she had a bunch of shit for me. while cleaning out the house she "found" a bunch of stuff from my dad. his john denver records, some necklaces he'd given her WAY back in the day (30ish years ago), and some other random shit.

best way to start off a conversation?

"i have some stuff from your dad for you."

ummm- my dad's been dead THREE YEARS.

any stuff you "have from him" should have been handed over a fuck of a long time ago or left alone.

but of course it can't just be a one two punch of her showing up and finally turning over my dad's stuff. good things come in threes after all, don't they?

what other great parting shots/gifts does she have for me?

how about a giant fucking poster board from my WEDDING RECEPTION.

yeah. that domestic violence marriage i fought like hell to get out of 10 years ago?

OF COURSE i would love a giant reminder of that.

couldn't have just taken the pictures off and passed those along? had to pass on the whole fucking poster board too?

obviously the effort went in at some point to remove his photos. couldn't just pop out the other ones and trash the board? literally took about 15 seconds to do this afternoon. but...you know...why NOT pass along the whole reminder of the marriage and just rip open that scar too?


*SIGH*

so here i sit tonight. i've done a LOT of writing the last few days and more this afternoon. the actual physical writing stuff. pen to paper, empty the brain, work through all the shit that's been back piling and distracting me.

i don't know if i have any answers. i do know that i recognize things aren't going where they need to be, my head isn't where it needs to be, and my decision making sure as fuck isn't where it needs to be.

i know that my issues are bullshit at the end of the day; there's people with real shit going on. more than someone stopping by with a poster board. more than a few hurt feelings over a break up or a brother not visiting while driving through town. i realize that i need to keep perspective- there's people dealing with cancer and death and unemployment, people losing their homes, PTSD, REAL SHIT.

i didn't know how to start this and i don't know how to end this. this week is a "mommy vacation" week- the spawns will both be gone for a few days so i'm going to take this time to get my shit together, get a plan, get back on a track at least and start making some movement forward again. i'll finish up the house, get it listed again, start considering work again, get some sense of purpose and, hell, maybe even a plan.

i know. crazy talk. me with a plan. next thing i'm going to have a 5 year goal.

oh lordy. i crack me up.

anyway.

i'll be there for you

so. i know i haven't written in a long time. i've wanted to write, but haven't know what or how.

i've been caught up with a boyfriend. and not in that- what a bitch, gets a boyfriend and disappears on us kinda way. in an...i don't know what i can legally (or safely) write about him and our issues so i haven't written at all kind of way.

DON'T WORRY, i'm out of it now. but yes, it was one that i honestly didn't feel ok to write about. there's your first clue it wasn't good for me.

BUT.

some very, VERY good things did come out of it in the end.

most important: i have some of the most amazing friends and support any girl could EVER ask for.

things with the boy were...interesting...from the beginning. since day one my friends have listened, supported, and been there while i worked through and gave it a really damn hard try. most (ok, all) of them didn't particularly like the decisions i was making and didn't necessarily like the boy or some of the things that came with him, but the still loved me and stuck by me.

i can't even begin to say how much that meant.

i'm from a family that literally said: "you know, we'll only be here for you so many times before you're on your own."

family isn't blood and blood isn't family. i've been reminded of that one more time.

my people, my dear friends listened, helped me talk things out, pointed out things that i was missing, reminded me that they were worried about me, kept an eye on me but still let me take my journey and were there for me at the end of the day and at the end of this particular path.

i LOVE them for that. and it reminds me of the friend i need to be back for them. no judgement, love, support, acceptance even if it's not what you'd wish for them. listening even when it's the same thing over and again. being there and being able to (nicely) say YOU'RE BEING AN IDIOT but i still support you and will be here for you.

i LOVE my friends. i am so happy that i have each and every one of them. they all have a different perspective, a different way of pointing things out to me, a different way of supporting me, making me laugh, helping me get through some of the rough times. from helping me drink a $5 bottle of wine or a 6 pack of beer or a cup of coffee. friends that can babysit me while i sit at home crying, friends that i can go out with on a wednesday night, friends that i can chill and have a beer on a back deck and a real discussion with (yes, alcohol was mentioned several times. it helped. shut it.). they all together make this beautiful web of support that i am so lucky and blessed to have.

SECOND lesson: i tried. i really tried. lord knows there were plenty of issues and i didn't just cut and run. ok. YES it only lasted two months, so it's not like i did a giant marathon, but TWO MONTHS IS A LONG TIME FOR ME! OK?! honestly, longer than anything in the last 10 years. I mean- there were a few lovers that lasted longer, but no "relationships" where i was actually "with" someone. so.  this was big. i also haven't cared this much about someone in that long too. i was ALL IN on this one. and yes, sill that fast, but there was something about it. i know. i can't care about someone after a ton of time but then BAM, all in after just a few days. i can't explain it but it happened. and i tried. and i talked about things. and i tried to see things from multiple standpoints. and i tried to be patient and wait things out. but at the end of the day, you can't stay where you're not wanted. and it was painfully obvious that i wasn't wanted, so i had to leave. i wanted to stay. i wanted to make it work. i wanted to be in for the long haul. but you can't make decisions for people, and as much as i wanted to, i couldn't make him choose me or make him decide i was important to him.

but i did try. i did learn. i did grow. i did realize that i am capable of opening up and really caring about someone. i did learn that i can fight for things but still know when it's a loosing battle. i learned to stay true to me. i started to let myself slip, my friends could see me starting to change, i could feel me starting to change and so i got out. i didn't let myself get lost.

THIRD lesson: IT WASN'T ME. there isn't some fatal flaw. there isn't something horribly wrong with me. i didn't ruin this, i am not broken.

that's a BIG sentence for me to write. i am still as beautiful and desirable and smart as the first day he asked me out, and other people see that. i couldn't choose for him. and it was HIS choice. it isn't me that's wrong. it isn't him that's wrong. it just not the right time/place/fitting for us. not being right doesn't mean it's wrong.

i'm sad. i'm depressed. i'm heart broken. i'm all the things you are when something that has completely captured you falls apart. BUT i don't dislike me. i'm not blaming. i'm not hating.

i recognize that i am still fucking amazing. that's what drew him to me in the first place. it's what draws others. I AM STILL OK. i have my issues. i'm WELL aware of that. but i'm not "should-ing" myself or comparing myself or tearing myself apart trying to figure out questions that i will never have answers to because they're not my questions. i don't know why i wasn't right for him. i never will. but that's not MY issue to figure out. that's HIS issue to figure out and i won't tear myself apart or waste my time and energy trying to fix it. i don't know why SO MANY THINGS but it's ok. and i'm ok. and i'm choosing not to go down that road of destruction and hurt. there's already enough hurt as it is, i don't need to intentionally add more to myself.

so. i'm getting back to me. i'm SO THANKFUL for my friends. i'm thankful for the people that stood by me and gently reminded me to get my ass back behind the keyboard and be me again. i'm thankful for all the listening ears and compassionate hearts and cold beers.

i'm thankful for the lessons, no matter how much they hurt. i'm thankful for the experience. i'm still sad. i'm still camping out on my couch and laying low. but i'll be ok. and i know i'll have friends there helping me be ok.

so. i'm working on writing more. actual short stories and things as well as the blogs. yes, i still want to write "lessons learned the not so hard way" about all my horrible (and some ok) sexcapades. yes, i still want to write about all the things i've been through that got me to be the person i am now (but with a few names and details slightly changed). i want to WRITE. so i am. this is a start. back to the goal of at least once a week. i promise. and yell at me if i don't.

thanks to anyone that happens to be reading this for being patient with me.

525,600

"Last Published on March 31."

i know,  so much for the every week goal. THANKS FOR THE GUILT TRIP GOOGLE.

ANYWAY.

here i am. i know it's been over a month. i've had tons to say but not really sure how or how much (i know, ME) to say.

then i woke up this morning and started reading through my twitter feed and realized some amazingly talented friends won the 50 hour film slam last night (exactly like it sounds- they have 50 hours to make a short film, then they announce a winner a few months later).

HOLY CRAP. it's 50 hour slam time again?

that means it's been a year since i started working at the magazine. which got me thinking about how much can happen in a year.

and then i was blown away by the universe. again.

here's a quick recap of the last few years:

this summer it will be 4 years since my son lost his step mother and baby brother in child birth.

this fall it will be 4 years since i lost my brother to suicide.

august it will be 3 years since i lost my dad and step mom to a house fire.

this month it's 2 years since i bought my house: Almost Wonderland.

january it was 2 years since i left the corporate world.

march it was a year that i had been back to work.

this time last year i was attending my first events and getting interview for the magazine.

and this year: my house is for sale, i've left the magazine, i'm no longer at any of my jobs (next friday is my last day) and everything is changing. again.


it continues to be a wild ride.

so yeah- things are changing again. i'm still scared of change- the unknown is always going to be a mix of terror and excitement i think. but it's also really good. i know that things are headed in a good direction- too many things have clicked into place for it not to be the right steps for me.

i have to say- the last year has been a really interesting learning curve most of all. i've learned how to let go of some of my biggest issues, guilt, fear- things that were tying me down and i didn't realize it.

after losing my dad i bought the car i had wanted for YEARS. my dream car. the one i would get if i won the lottery. THAT car. my little element. then i realized it wasn't all i hoped it would be.

i never really wanted to buy a house, but IF i did, it needed to have all these things- a front porch, a big back deck. a fenced yard for the kids, older style, not a cookie cutter, trees, space for friends. Almost Wonderland is every. single. thing. i could have ever wanted in a house. and now that i've had it i realize as much as i love it, it's still not for me.


it's an interesting moment when you have everything you ever thought you could dream of and you look at it all and say: meh.

not that i don't appreciate every thing i have. not that i don't love that i have a house and a car. i'm not playing the part of spoiled rich bitch here.

i'm just realizing- hell, i don't know the right way to say it. i'm realizing that there's more to life than having everything you ever thought you wanted. things are just things.

not gonna lie- having things is nice. but at the end of the day- they're just things.

here's what else has happened over the last few years:

my oldest sons dad and i were able to REALLY draw together as a parenting team. it took some really shitty shit on both sides but now we're in this great place of working together as a team, even from across the state. we both realize how much the other has been through and how much family means more than ever and how important it is for our son to get that.

i've found out time and again who real friends are. i have people that disappeared when the money disappeared. i have people that could give a rats ass if there ever was or ever will be money again. i have some of the truest, hard core friends now that anyone could ever ask for. i know when the shit hits the fan that i have a LIST of people i can call for help and support. this last week was a pretty shitty one (more on that in a minute) and i was able to think of three people INSTANTLY that i could call for help or just to listen. that is a truly rare and beautiful thing. i have people i can talk over ANY subject with- and trust me when i say we've covered some very interesting topics.

i've learned to appreciate and accept myself in the last few months.

that's possibly been the biggest thing. i've learned to let go of why i'm not good enough for my family. i've learned to not feel like i'm not good enough for my family. i've learned that i am good and beautiful and lovable JUST AS I AM, flaws and all. i've learned the difference between my things that i can work on and improve and OTHER PEOPLE's issues that are out of my control and that i can't fix or change. hell, there's several blog posts on all that.

this is all an obnoxiously long story to get to this last week-

i was asked a few weeks ago to take over my boyfriends store. it's a second hand furniture store/consignment shop. i wanted to jump instantly and take it. a chance to try out every upcycle project i've ever considered and pinned on pinterest. a chance to be my own boss and be the only one to answer to. a chance to let my creative side have free reign moving things around and arranging furniture. back working with customers again, away from a desk. BUT- how do you leave secure jobs? steady paychecks?

to tie over, i asked a good friend of mine that needed work if she wanted to work while i figured things out. that made it through the last few weeks, but she is going back to school in just a few weeks, so something had to be done.

OK UNIVERSE: i get it. i have to make a decision.

fuck.

ok. so the monday/thursday job was not the greatest on hours- i was working myself out of time every week. BUT, i loved the people there and they had treated me really great the whole time i was there- from day one.

the tues/weds/fri job was for sure locked in hours, always things to do, but a much more stressful not healthy for me environment.

fuck.

ok. here's the deal universe: if i'm going to leave the steady pay/less healthy job i'm  going to need a little help. some kind of a cushion while i'm adjusting to commission only at the furniture. help me out.

not even four hours later i got a call from my old corporate job: by the way-  you still have money in your pension account.

*blink blink*

a sizeable amount of money. like enough to cover at least 3 months of bills while i wait for the house to sell and to see how the furniture store goes.

wow universe. that was fast.

OK THEN.

so on tuesday i gave two weeks notice.

on thursday i got laid off from the other job.

umm...universe? WHAT THE HELL?

i mean...really? why did i bother making a decision if this was going to happen? is this some kind of joke?

i went through an expected freak out. called up some friends. vented. yeah- i still had the pension cushion, but without a steady paycheck to supplement things...well...wow. now what?

i spent the majority of thursday coming to terms with things. crunching numbers, realizing it would still be ok, that this obviously meant i wasn't supposed to be at either job any longer, there's something bigger ready for me.

ok universe. i get it. i trust that everything is working this way for a reason.

then i got home thursday night.

that pension account?

turns out the corporate world doesn't really know how to do math.

the amount they initially told me was waiting was off. BY A LOT.

as in DOUBLE.

in the good way.

the cushion i was making these decisions on: DOUBLED. and? would be available a month earlier than they initially told me.

at this point i don't have any idea what the universe has in store for me, but i know it's BIG. and i know that things working out like this doesn't just happen. this is the right move. i feel like the stars are lining up, the winds are changing, whatever silly analogy you want to throw at it. things are falling into place, and this is me, stepping out. trusting that.

looking back over the last year and all that's changed- over the last 4 years and how much we've been through- all the high and low points, all the good days and bad days-

i'm excited to see what the next year brings.

i'm ready for it.

and i know, fuck, this is a hard sentence to type.

i know i have my dad's support.

after 3 years and never seeing his name anywhere- i've seen his name several times in the last few weeks. it's popped up in the strangest places. he's still here. he's not mad at me for selling the house. he's supporting my changes. he's still watching out for me.

so.  that's something.

things that aren't meant to be

hey, remember that time i went to london?

like...four months ago?

geeze- is that all? four months? let's see...thanksgiving, christmas, new years, valentines, st. patrick...yeah. four months. insane.

so. here's an update on all that since then:

i've been shockingly able to ration my cadbury chocolates for FOUR MONTHS. i'm eating a few now in celebration of the great chocolate holiday (aka: easter). seems only fitting to eat REAL cadbury on the pinnacle of all chocolate holidays.

also, since i've gotten back i've tried to keep in touch with new york. i knew he would be going through some tough times, and, honestly, i still held out a smidgen of hope that maybe when he got stationed back stateside...well...something. yanno? like maybe flying over there wasn't a total waste of time.

at first he would message a little bit. that soon changed into "i'm not talking to anyone, i just need my space," which turned into....*crickets*

yeah.

radio silence.

awesome. but i kept checking in like a good stalker friend does.

he slowly started to emerge from his cave and mentioned he was getting back out and getting around people. within a week this turned into "spending the weekend with my girlfriend" which turned quickly into NOT coming back stateside- it would be too hard on his dog to move. so he applied for two different positions in london to extend his tour overseas. 

i'm sorry...WHAT?

the guy that couldn't wait to get away from it all, get back to the states, get back to home and family? now can't move because it's too hard on his dog?

there's supposedly other logistical issues like making the divorce proceedings easier (which still haven't even started) and having to sell or move everything.

i'm surprisingly not even in the least heartbroken about this. it didn't even register on my scale other than this: huh. well, looks like i dodged that bullet.

i know. change of tune for me after flying half way around the world for my "one that got away."

here's what i realized: he's the type of person that can't stand to be alone for even a minute (which happens to be my number one trigger to bail). the sheets had barely cooled before he reached out to me. i had barely landed back stateside when he was starting to spend time with the now girlfriend (actually, interesting note- she "watched movies" with him the night before i got there). he doesn't want to have to move back state side and start looking again.

i got my chance to see the what might have been. i went to london. i'll never regret that i went. i would have regretted staying here and never knowing.

and now i can close that chapter. for good. with no sadness or looking back. it was beautiful for what it was. it's a sweet, young, romantic fairy tale and everyone deserves one of those at some point. mine happened to not be the happily ever after kind. at least this one anyway.

so: goodbye ryan. you'll always be one of my favorite memories.