ok. i’m going to start by shouting out random things that i want to make sure to cover, follow along: ultrasound, taco bell, tattoo, work, fish, the OTHER fish, therapy, friends

and go:

so. my oldest spawn has been feeling sick off and on for a little over a week. he’s had an upset tummy that’s gone north and south on him at the most random times- after eating, middle of the night, at school, sitting around doing nothing, out running errand...i haven’t been able to track it to food or activity or being particularly sick. he’s been complaining about how bad it hurts and it’s not getting better, so i decided to take him in to the doctor finally. first thing the doctor said: is he always this white? i laughed. see, we’re not just white people. we have to fucking TAN to reach white. casper the friendly ghost looks at us and goes DAMN BITCH, hit a beach once in a while! so it thought it was funny that the doctor pointed that out first.

anytwaddle. doc looks him over and can’t find anything, can’t pick out a pattern that i missed, a trigger that stands out so he orders a blood panel and an ultrasound. SPIFFY. at least it’s two days BEFORE i lose my insurance, not two days after. BUT. this means there’s only two days left of work and BOTH days i’m training my replacement which means _I_ can’t take spawn to the ultrasound. fuck. if i wait til i can take him there’s no insurance. but how do i work it while i still have it??? FUUUUUUUUCCCCKKK.

rescued: friend was able to take the spawn to the ultrasound for me (that’s a whole story in itself). spawn eats a fat free (as much as possible) dinner the night before, fasts, yadda yadda, goes to the ultra sound (I’M NOT A GRANDMA!) pictures of his belly, the whole works, back to school, long story short his belly looks normal, we’re waiting for blood work. whatever.

THE POINT: spawn has a tummy ache for a week. doctor worthy. ultrasound worthy. what does he do as soon as the ultra sound is over? asks my friend to take him to taco bell for lunch. THEN, later at school to impress friends, he eats packets of hot sauce.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

*slowly counting to ten*

yeah. i think i know what the stomach problem is. fuck. all that stress for nothing.

so. there’s taco bell and ultrasound off the list.

TATTOO!! the sleeve is basically finished! well, half sleeve. and all but the shading! HOORAY! there’s pics on my facebook. if you don’t follow my facebook, you’re lame and you dont’ deserve to see pictures. just kidding...LOOK, PICTURES!

fish: which to start with? there’s TWO fish at work here...ummm...i’ll take door number one bob:

if you’ve been hiding under a rock, here’s a news flash: i quit my job. technically i turned in the notice back in november, but tomorrow is finally the actual last day! dear st peter on the crapper...what have i done? i’m actually doing this! it’s really here!

so, the good people in my department took me out to lunch today to say goodbye- SO FUCKING SWEET. really. i’ll miss the people a TON. boss even asked me today if i’m going to come back to keep doing meals on wheels with him one wednesday a month. SO SWEET. so lunch: my boss also bought me a going away gift: a picture. a really fucking cool picture. it’s two fish bowls next to each other. one has a bunch of fish, the other only has one fish. in between the two bowls is one fish in the process of jumping from one bowl to the other...in support of me jumping out into the unknown and taking a new path. HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT??

i’m really going to miss the people. not so much the work, i’m really excited for the whole doing my own thing, but the people...damn, there’s some wicked awesome people there. i’ll have to stop in and say hi every now and again.

now to the other fish. yes, i signed up on plentyoffish again. all for you people. you know you love the train wrecks. so. here i am all optimistic about meeting some freaks and getting some great stories for you guys. then i have to go find a normal one that i actually kinda might be liking a little bit. so. sorry about that everyone. i’ll let you know when the inevitable happens and it goes up in flames. i’m sure it will be spectacular!

so. a few weeks ago a friend an i were laughing about what a hot mess i am at times and he jokingly suggested that it would take years of therapy to fix me. i laughed. he didn’t realize i’ve been in therapy (off and on) since i was 17. more off than on, but since lpsing my dad i’ve been going every two weeks to figure this whole mess out. and guess what: I’M NORMAL well, as normal as anyone could expect given the fucked up family i was raised with and the shit that’s hit the fan since then. but that’s life, you know? we all have our issues and shit hands that have been dealt to us at times. the important thing is how you deal with it and and how you work through it all. big news: i learned something important about myself: I AM A GOOD COMMUNICATOR. i’ve tried. i’ve tried FOREVER to learn how to talk to people, to think things through, listen more than i speak, make sure that what i’m saying is what i truly mean, so many different things. i’ve had many friendships and relationships end because of arguments and what i thought was my inability to communicate. i realize now that is probably partially true, but i was trying my damndest. i still have a TON of learning to do, we all do, BUT, I AM GOOD. so. .there’s that. it was a nice boost. a little affirmation.

and finally: friends: they’re amazing. everyone should get some. yes, cop out. i got tired and got side tracked and forgot what i was going to say. there’s that excellent communication at work...ha ha. anytwaddle. friends are good, i’ll think of the point to this after some sleep and get back to you. but for now: here’s the tip of the day: if you ever feel the need to sneeze but it’s a bad time, picture a purple cow with pink spots. sneeze: GONE. so. there. you learned something.

gone fishing...

i'm pretty sure i've posted something similar to this before. maybe not. maybe i've just thought it a hundred and twelve times but never written it out. a QUICK (i scanned) review of my last whatever blogs under the "dating" tag didn't make this sound like a repeat, so for all intensive purposes, unless you can prove me wrong, let's consider this a brand new shiny post. here we go:

so, as it turns out, i am either a) a complete idiot, b) a glutton for punishment, or c) both.

i have signed up, yet again, on one of those online dating websites. I’M BORED. ok? shut it. plus? you guys get all the good reading without any of the permanent personal trauma. you know you love me for taking this bullet for you.

there’s one thing that is abundantly clear looking at these sites: GUYS ARE DISGUSTING MONKEYS (no offense to any male readers, but you kinda are).

now i’ll admit it right up front: i’m a shallow, petty, snarky bitch. and when i say bitch, i mean: judgmental, catty, mean, and did i say shallow?

I WILL JUDGE YOU BASED SOLELY ON WHAT YOU CHOSE AS YOUR PROFILE PICTURE.

i’m not sorry either. if you can’t take the time to pick a decent picture, i can’t take the time to look at you in any way other than to make fun of you.

here’s what is NOT a decent picture:

anything showing JUST your bare chest/stomach. two strikes: if you have such a picture but list yourself as looking for a “serious relationship.” umm…BULLSHIT. you know you’re looking for sex. i know you’re looking for sex. just list that you’re looking for sex, call it a day and i won’t have to hate you for being an asshole liar AND a total douchecanoe.

any form of a wife beater in the picture. DOUBLE THAT if said wife beater has stains on it. REALLY? you couldn’t find a picture with a real shirt without stains to post as your profile pic? and you wonder why you’re still single? it’s a fucking mystery.

pictures of you sitting at your computer desk with a stack of laundry/dirty dishes/trash piles in the back ground. REALLY? and let me guess, our first conversation will revolve around which level you’re up to on w.o.w. nice. get off your damn computer. get outside. interact with other REAL people. vomit.

pictures of you with any other woman: REALLY? i don’t care if it’s your mom/sister/bff/kidney donor. NO. just NO. are you fucking kidding me?

duck face? it’s bad enough on women. on men? OH HELL NO YOU DIDN’T.

pictures of you with your kids. i get that you love them. do YOU get that this is a free site and any creepy pedo can jump on here and snag your precious spawn for their disgusting library? do you really want to put your kid at risk like that? i get that your world revolves around them and they’re your #1 priority and you’re a fantastic family man…you made sure to say it 900 times in the 3 sentences you posted about yourself. but PICTURES? REALLY?

bonus tip: i know that whatever’s in the picture with you is what will take top priority in the relationship be it friends, cars, pets, kids, family, whatever. if i see anything besides YOU in the picture, i’m skipping it. you on a mountain top? nice. well done. i’m not hiking up a fucking mountain with you, and it’s a sure thing that i’ll be asked at some point. no, i don’t care that you restored that car by sacrificing every weekend (and every penny) for 80 years. kinda figured that’s where the single thing came from. your MOM? cut the fucking apron strings already. save the freak show for a third date. let me get used to YOU first.

now, as to the actual profile: IF YOU CAN’T USE REAL WORDS IN REAL SENTENCES YOU’RE DONE. while we’re at it: YOUR, YOU’RE. i hate you already.

“i’ve never done something like this before…” i don’t give a fucking rats ass, you’re here now so let’s just start there.

“i’m not sure what to say about myself…” then i’m not sure i want to spend any more time even considering you. “i’m a pretty normal guy…” BULLSHIT. we’re all crazy to some degree. own it. fly that freak flag proudly.

“i’m just getting out of a long painful relationship…” i’m not dr. phil. fix your shit, THEN sign up on here. i’m not going to waste my time making you all better cause guess what? I CAN’T. that’s all on you freakaziod.

“no drama, no games…” cue freak show music. this means you’re ALL drama and ALL games. you just don’t want competition.

email: general rule of thumb: the number of words you type in your email is exactly equivalent to the amount of time i’ll spend considering you. if “hi” is all you can manage? GONE. “wuzz up?” PISS OFF. “you’re pretty hot.” DUH. FUCKING IDIOT. get the trend here? send me a REAL message and show me you can string together more than three syllables and form a coherent thought without hurting yourself. MAYBE then you’ll get a response.

i’m a being a picky selective bitch and is this probably why i’m still single?

yup.

accusation

i can’t think straight this morning. i am so livid that i can’t focus on anything or even pretend to work until i get this out of my head.

this morning i was accused of using my kids (or taking them away) against a friend as punishment for an argument between us. i was accused of taking things that i know about her and using them against her to get back at her.

*deep breath*

i have NEVER. EVER. in my entire life, EVER done that to anyone. EVER. i am not a vindictive person. i do not sit around plotting ways to get back at people. i do not seek revenge. and i would NEVER, EVER use my kids as a form of punishment.

my gut wants to lash out and say “well, that makes sense. people that DO things like that would be more apt to accuse others of that.” i really feel that’s the truth. i have never, ever in my life, plotted against someone. i have never, ever thought about what would hurt someone the most based on their history or experiences and then done something to intentionally cause hurt. to even be accused of that is one of the most egregious things.

i guess it goes to show that even the people i thought knew me don’t know me at all. i honestly can’t believe someone would accuse me of that. and to say that i used my kids as a form of punishment. i am livid about that accusation. even in the WORST of my divorce, the worst of my fights with the oldest spawns father, the worst of the fights with my mum (before i had to cut all ties for safety), i never, EVER, EVER brought my kids into things. my ex-husband had a toxic, horrible relationship, but when it came to our son, i would set that aside and allow him visitations because it was best for my son. he has since chosen not to exercise that right, but to this day, i would happily put my issues aside if it meant my son had a father figure. yes, even knowing what a toxic person he is, because when push comes to shove it is still his father and half of who he is.

the oldest spawns father and i used to go rounds. there were times when we HATED each other. we were young and stupid and angry. but that NEVER came between the spawn and his father. sure there were drop off/pick up sessions where NOTHING was said between the father and i, but my spawn still had his visits. same with my mum. as mad as i would be at her, if the kids wanted to see her, they were more than allowed to because it’s good for them to have contact with family.

even with this friend now- whatever our issue is, i have never once stopped the oldest spawn from email her or calling her. so to be accused of taking them away from her as a punishment…it just makes no sense.

i just. *sigh* i can’t imagine that i’m being accused of being that person. i don’t even have the capability to be that person. there have been times where i WISHED i could be that person. i wished i knew how to take revenge or play games or use things against people, but i can’t even begin to wrap my head around the how and the why and the energy and planning that it takes. it’s always fascinated me watching reality tv because those characters are so foreign to me and i just can’t even imagine how they do it.

there has to be a point or a lesson in here somewhere. there needs to be something i take forward from this: i guess there can be a few things:

#1 you can never really know someone and what they truly think of you. guard yourselves, and always know who YOU are to be able to know when such accusations are truth or not. i will not question myself or who i am because of this because i know it is not even a fraction true. but it still hurts that someone could think this of me.

#2 i think what people portray on to you shows their own true colors. i really believe that an accusation like this must come from someone inclined to behave like this themselves. i don’t think i could ever accuse someone of behavior like this because it is the last thing i would ever think of doing and therefore wouldn’t even be an option of explanation to me. said another way: i don’t think i could ever accuse someone of acting out a behavior i couldn’t even think of doing myself. this is also the reason i would make a lousy cop. the things people do astound me every. single. day. i cant imagine the energy people put into some of the things they do. USE YOUR POWERS FOR GOOD, NOT EVIL. that’s a side track, but it still applies. mostly.

anytwaddle. vent over. i’m sure there are more lessons hidden in this one, but it will take me a while to get over the shock and be able to absorb them. so. for now. i’m purged. the anger is gone. and we’re moving forward.

and then i was all...

today has been deemed random blog post day. there’s too many ideas to narrow it down to one. so. strap in. it could be a fucked up ride.

first off. i’m disappointed with myself. i knew that making changes in my life would open me up to new things, different things, the same things from a different perspective. i didn’t expect to hate- nay- loathe myself this early on in the process. yes, that’s right friends, a dixie chicks song made sense to me. I KNOW. i’m ashamed enough for all of us. but really…all of a sudden i’m listening to my mp3 and wide open spaces pops up and it just made sense. and yes, that was me admitting to having it on my mp3 thus giving it the ability to pop up and cause this whole identity crisis. going down in flames before i’ve even started the journey.

next. i have decided that i HATE tall book shelves. will never own another one again. ever. now i’m a tall person, so please don’t think i’m height discriminating. actually, think that all you want CAUSE I AM. i hate tall book shelves. you can never see what’s on top, they take up a whole wall, and if you’re not crazy diligent then whole villages of dust bunnies will move in and take over the place. i decided this weekend that the tall book shelves had to go. i swapped them out for little half height cubicle shelves and I LOVE IT SO MUCH. i have space to set things and decorate. i have wall space to hang pictures. i have NO MORE DUST VILLAGES. seriously, the swiffer duster was disgusting when i finished cleaning off the old shelves. it was a relatively small change, but it made a HUGE difference in my house- less claustrophobic, more clean, better displayed, all around happier shelves. it’s the little things that make a difference.

random #3: i broke my new car. yes, bonnie has been mortally injured. ok. maybe not mortally, it was more like a hangnail, but it happened. i was backing out of my garage and discovered that my side mirror does NOT bend backwards, and more importantly, does NOT bend back forwards after being bent backwards. also: insurance/warranty doesn’t cover stupid. so. $180ish later bonnie has been fixed and now my new car is old. the first official battle wound. all fixed up and better, but i’ll always know that the original side mirror met an untimely demise.

if insanity is defined by repeating the same action and expecting different results: I’M INSANE. we tried another pet. I KNOW. someone needs to put my picture up at the pound and not even let me in the door. BUT: the cat has made it over a year, so i’m not completely hopeless. so. the story goes like this: we adopted an akita. BEAUTIFUL dog. he was 3 years old, fully grown, and fit right in. was perfectly behaved while we were home over christmas break. got along perfectly with the kids, didn’t mind the cat, acted great when people came over and we did glee karaoke at way too loud of a volume with way too big of actions to go with the singing. strike that- there’s no such thing as too loud or too big of actions when it’s glee karaoke. but you get the idea. GREAT dog. no accidents in the house, didn’t even think about chewing up one thing, didn’t cause any problems. then we had to go back to school/work. turns out he had a bit of an anxiety/separation issues thing going on. TORE THE HOUSE APART. destroyed the kitchen blinds/curtains. shredded the plastic blinds in the living room. that was the first day. so i thought: my bad for leaving him out, i’ll put him in a kennel. second day: destroyed the kennel. or more correctly the contents of the kennel and everything near by. i had left a blanket, a bowl of water, and some toys in with him. DESTROYED. and he somehow managed to pull a stuffed giraffe off a shelf nearby and eat that. apparently the giraffe wasn’t good eating according to the mess that was smeared all over the kennel, through the wire mesh, EVERYWHERE. so i thought: my bad for leaving things in the kennel with him. so. day three: dog, rawhide, kennel. came home to the kennel TORN APART. still no idea how he did it. one of the big wire kennels and he managed to tear one of the doors down. it’s the kind that can collapse for travel, so it’s not a complete feat of strength, but still- those things are pretty damn solid when you put them together. but he tore it apart and got out. so. he had to go back. he was GREAT when we were home, but there’s no way we could have a dog that couldn’t be left alone. we’re gone more than i realized- grocery shopping, errands, movies- just a deal breaker for us. so. no more dog. back to just the cat. who, by the way, is even MORE obnoxious now that she is back to being an “only child.” ugh.

random #15: i think i broke my finger. well, not my finger, the knuckle on my right pointer finger. it hurts.

so. we all know how hard it is to take a GOOD picture of ourselves. don’t lie- you know you’ve tried it a million times on your digital camera or cell phone and HATED the results. know what’s even harder? taking a good picture of your own arm. it’s REALLY HARD PEOPLE. i’ve been trying to take a picture of my sleeve for a few weeks now and just can’t make it work. even got the spawn to try it…well…that’s a whole different story. you thought _I_ was technologically incapable? turns out it gets worse when you pass that gene on. anytwaddle: i have a half sleeve tatt now that is almost done and i can’t get a good picture of it to show off. so. imagine flowers. there you go. that’s all i can do for now. (not really, THIS is all i can do for now: 

random #5: there’s something very liberating about realizing you’re learning how to get past what you think other people will think. i’ve had a nasty habit…well…forever…of editing what i write depending on how i think people will respond to it. i’m (slowly) learning how to get over that. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW PEOPLE FEEL. i write what i write. how people feel in response to that is up to them. i can’t dictate what mood they’re in or how they interpret something or the voice they attach to my writing. IT IS OUT OF MY CONTROL, AND I AM OK WITH THAT. that’s a hard sentence to write. especially for a complete control freak. i know how things sound in _MY_ head and how i would LIKE them to sound in your head, but i can’t control that and it’s ok. i don’t need to let that dictate what i’m going to write and how i’m going to express myself. i will not be unnecessarily vicious or mean (well, not without proper warning anyway). i will not go out of my way to offend people or be completely out in left field. but it will happen from time to time that people are offended. or that they didn’t read a particular post the way i intended it to come off. AND THAT’S OK. along the same vein: it’s liberating to look at situations that are already in turmoil or where there are already problems and be able to speak my mind. i’m slowly leaning that the things i think are the worst that could happen rarely do happen. the worst response that i think i’ll get is rarely the true response that i do get. and when things are already in turmoil or when there’s already a problem it’s not like i can mess it up any more. well, i probably can, but that’s not the point. if there’s already a rift or a lack of communication, what is there to lose by speaking my mind? if someone has cut me out of their life or decided to move on, what do i have to lose by speaking my peace? the answer: NOTHING. and it generally helps me out to know that i’ve done and said everything i could on my end. but it really is liberating to realize that. so. learn from me. your yoda i am.

you can shoot me now. i apologize for that. can’t believe i just dropped a yoda line on you people. i’m sincerely sorry. i suppose i could delete it, but eh…that means backtracking and hitting extra buttons and it just sounds like too much work.

BIG NEWS: i’ve decided what i want to write first. i’m going to write my story! i’ve been thinking about it lately and i just really need to get all my history out of my head before i can get a character with a history of their own up in there mixing everything up. so. that’s my starting point. ME. i’m excited to see how it will turn out. that may sound strange, but you know how it goes- different parts and pieces come together at different times and it make all different stories. i don’t know what will be important or come to the front or want to be written about first. but i’m excited to see what path it takes, which of my experiences makes the cut, and what it tells in the long run. think of all the different blogs- how on different days, different pieces of my past have come forward to shine. they weren’t all in order, they didn’t all have the same tone or purpose to them, but they were all important and all were pieces of me. so. i’m excited put it into book form and see where it goes. hooray! a starting point!

i’m sure there’s a million other random things that i’ve been thinking of that i’ll think of again later, but right now…i think i’m good. i think that’s most of it. i’m doing a ton of thinking today apparently. and i like the work apparently apparently. there will be a more serious post up on the meatball page in a bit...so, if this doesn’t suit you today, give me a few minutes and we’ll try something different.

girl problems

i’m going to rant. it’s going to be mean, it’s going to be ugly, it’s going to be judgmental. so. you know. if you’re not in the mood for that, turn away now.

you’ve been warned.

so. the oldest spawn had a girlfriend for a while. now. i’m not a big fan of the whole girlfriend thing at this age (he’s 12 if you’re playing along at home) BUT i know that they’ll fade and break up on their own soon enough so there’s really no need for me to be sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong. i tried to keep my opinions to myself on this one, but i didn’t do a very good job. BUT THERE WAS A REASON.

right about the same time the spawn acquired this cling-on he was also allowed to set up an email account. i told him i would be checking it from time to time until we establish a good level of trust that it’s being used properly. he understands and is ok with this.

so with the email account came emails from the girlfriend.

i get that they’re 12. i get that they’re hormonal. i get that things are different now than 18 years ago when i went through all this crap. i get it. i do. BUT. there’s some things that still are not ok.

this girl is a FREAK. and for me, the queen of slightly off kilter to say that…it’s bad. it’s fucked up. it started with the “i love you” bullshit. i personally think that 12 years old is way too young to be saying things like that. ESPECIALLY the first week you’re “dating” someone. are you fucking kidding me? emo much? FUCK. then comes the bullshit of “my mom is so happy that i’m with you now because i was always depressed and suicidal before”

YOU’RE TWELVE YEARS OLD. are you fucking kidding me parents? you’re teaching your daughter that it’s ok to put that on someone else? to let her make someone else feel responsible for her happiness? what the fuck happened to teaching your daughter to like herself and be comfortable and secure ALONE? how dare you let her put that pressure on my son?

then comes the bullshit of “why don’t you say i love you anymore? are you getting tired of me? i can’t imagine my life without you…”

OH HELL NO. you’re not starting some bullshit drama up in here. my son is NOT required to tell you he loves you to keep you happy. you are NOT allowed to put all this pressure on him and make him feel like if he wants to get out of it (like most 12 year olds tend to do) that he’s ruining your life or risking you hurting yourself. OH FUCK NO YOU DON’T.

but then things mellowed out for a while, the school break came up, things naturally cooled off and i backed off. **NOTE: i wasn’t doing anything during all the drama besides reminding my son he is NOT responsible for another person’s emotions. he can’t make someone happy (or sad) that is THEIR decision. he needs to treat all people with respect and be a good person, he’s not allowed to be mean to people, make fun of them, any of that, but from there on out the responsibility is on the other person.

so. they went on their first little “date.” it was annoying. whatever. typical 12 year old date. they went for frozen yogurt and he sat at one table, she sat at a different table with her friends and the girls chatted while my son made origami. nothing big. then they went on a second "date" to the movies on sunday. all cool, mellow, no big deal.

*sigh*

then they went back to school. and the shit hit the fan. i guess on monday my son let this little gal know that he wanted to hang out with his friends a bit since they haven’t seen each other for a few weeks during break. no big deal. BUT during recess another girl happened to have the audacity to talk to my son. and the world ended. and the emails flooded in. all the insecurity came pouring out. i guess there were MANY tears in the hallway at school and much drama. the girlfriend saw my spawn talking to this other girl and all hell broke loose about “i know she’s prettier and smarter than me, but it would tear me apart to lose you, i can’t imagine my life without you” and all this bullshit.

OH FUCK NO. he’s allowed to talk to whomever he wants with no drama. there’s none of this pushing your insecurity on my son. i get that you’re 12 and you’re going through the awkward hormonal phase. but COME ON. the girlfriend spent hours in the hallway at school crying because some other girl talked to him for two minutes while he was hanging out with guy friends. oh lordy. i fucking hate girls.

so. my spawn decides he doesn’t want to put up with the drama. we talk about it, i explain why it bothers me, i explain that i understand that he likes her and the decision is his. we talk about ways to make it better or to “break up” without causing more problems. i remind him that this is HIS business, he doesn’t need to talk about it with all the people in school and try to get friends going against each other or finding things out. i try to guide him through it a little bit. there’s no reason to make it into a whole school issue of he-said, she-said back and forth and causing problems in the hallways.

so. he decides to go ahead and “break up” with her. i told him he can blame me, i told him he could say he’s not old enough to deal with all the emotions and responsibilities of this (he’s really not yet), i told him he could just say he wants to hang out with his friends and have her be a friend again…lots of options.

so yesterday at school i guess he did the deed: he told her that he’s not old enough for something this serious right now and he wants to wait until he’s older to date someone and say things about being in love with them. he wants to just hang out and be friends again and not have to worry about all the other stuff. i have no idea how he actually said it, i’m sure it wasn’t the smoothest process, they are 12 after all, but i think he did the best he could.

but. *sigh* drama was not to be avoided. at least it wasn’t in the hallways at school this time. it was all via email. and the email went something like this (yes, i looked. yes, i copied and pasted. yes, i’m sure on some level that’s a bad parent thing to do. but…oh hell, i don’t care. whatever. here’s her email)

If you are wondering why I'm not upset, it's because I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself for being an idiot. I was hot headed, jealous and rushed things. So I'm not mad at you.

I was really suicidal about everything for awhile.

I just wanted to ask you if we could stay friends. If you want to, we can wait until were older to be boyfriend and girlfriend again. But if you don't want to, I understand. Can we pretend like nothing happened and just be friends for now until the day you want to be together again? (if that day comes)

DID YOU CATCH THAT? a twelve year old girl is suicidal about breaking up? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE PARENTS AT IN THIS BULLSHIT?? this girl needs some HELP. i can’t believe at 12 she can even pretend to have a grasp of what that means. or what it implies. or what responsibility that puts onto other people. WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE PARENTS? why are you letting your daughter be this way? why aren’t you looking for ways to help her? why aren’t you teaching her to be a strong confident young lady? why are you allowing her to learn to hinge her happiness on others? why are you teaching her to validate herself in relationships? ESPECIALLY AT THIS TENDER AGE? in the middle of hormones and growing up and not knowing anything. THIS IS WHEN YOU TEACH THEM. this is when you guide them. you DO NOT let your 12 year old daughter make my son feel like he’s going to cause her to commit suicide. we’ve dealt with suicide in our family. I KNOW what it means. I KNOW what it does to other people. I KNOW how it makes people feel. you may NOT let your daughter put that on my son. PARENTS: PULL YOUR FUCKING PREPPY HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES AND DO SOMETHING HERE.

so. the spawn and i had a long talk last night. we talked about how the girl might feel this way. we talked again about how it’s not his responsibility to make her happy. it’s not ok for her to make him feel the pressure of her being suicidal or not. she’s growing up and going through changes the same way he is, and she’s trying to learn how to deal with all the emotions and things, just not in the right way yet apparently. we talked about how it may be best to just be friends with people for a few years to avoid more problems like this. he can totally blame me if he wants, tell them that his mom won’t let him have a girlfriend. i’m completely ok being the bad guy in these situations. i reminded him again today before school to ignore all the talk in the hallways, it’s no one’s business but his. her friends can’t make him fell bad. he doesn’t need to discuss all the details and talk about it- it will only make things worse and cause more problems. water off a ducks back. they’ll probably be mean because she’s hurt and they want to defend her- that’s ok. it’s all part of the process…just don’t get into it with them. let it slide. just keep walking and stay out of it.

i know today is going to be a hard one for him. i know that girls (and their friends) can be vicious and mean when things like this happen. i know people are going to be talking and blaming and whatever. i hope he makes it through the day relatively unscathed. i’m REALLY glad that he has the boys and girls club after school- the director there (bobby) is REALLY great about helping the guys through stuff like this, giving them good advice, listening, being there for them.

i’m just mad as fuck that he’s had to learn this already- especially to this extreme. grumpy mama bear.

stupid girls.

a farewell to 2010

well, another year is coming to an end. i'm not sure what it means any more- the changing of one year to another. do i believe that magically over night with the dropping of a ball, a ton of glitter, and the consumption of way too much alcohol by the general public things will suddenly be all better? that all the shit that happened over the last calendar year will be put away and never thought of again?

no. i do not. i don't particularly understand the big celebration- it's just turning another calendar page. it's another way of marking time passing- and we all know time is passing too quickly anyway. no need to celebrate it and egg it on and make it think we're happy it's getting away from us so quickly.

do i have any big resolutions for the new year? no. my resolutions started a few years ago when loved ones started checking out early. my resolution to enjoy time with the people i love more. to let them know how much i love them. to spend more time making myself happy and less time doing what i'm "supposed" to be doing just because i think i'm "supposed" to be doing it. to let go of things that are unhealthy, no matter how hard it may be. to embrace things that promote me being the best self i can be an in that being the best mom and friend i can be.

was 2010 a particularly bad year? yeah, it was. any worse than 2009? not really. any worse than 2003? not really. any worse than most years in my history? well, yeah, it was. but it was also a good year. life changed. devastating things happened. but i wasn't the only one they happened to though. and though all the shit some really happy things came to pass. i was able to find really healthy people to surround myself with. i was able to take trips and go places for the first time ever. i was able to take my first family vacation with my kids. i will be able to take a full year off to see what i want to be when i grow up and learn how to be a better mom and friend and person. i've learned empathy and compassion and understanding and that life does continue on even when the worst possible thing that you could ever imagine has happened. i've learned the difference between grieving death and celebrating life. i've learned that even in the middle of terrible darkness there can be laughter and love and support and friendship. i've learned that life will reflect what you want to make it reflect. if you focus on the bad, then everything will be bad, everywhere you look there will be problems around every corner will be illness, drama, hurt, more bad. if you focus on the good  you will find happiness, friendship, support, love, health, good memories. yes, the bad still happen, but you can look past and through them to find what you can take from it and use to help yourself grow.

i'm starting to sound like one of those people that i hate...i'm not sure when exactly i became a pollyanna fucking sunshine, but there it all is in text. so. i guess i am.

i just know that if anyone get to complain about what a shitty year it is, i hold that trump card, but i'm not going to play it. i would rather instead focus on the great last birthdays i had with my dad, the great first holidays i had with my kids, the great first trips i got to take with (or to visit) friends. i would rather look back and know that we made the best of the worst than just stop and look at the worst.

i'm still crying while i type this. it's still really fucking hard. it still sucks to look back and admit all that's happened over the last two years. it's too much to sit still and think about. it still takes my breath away and stops me in my tracks at the strangest moments. but that's ok. those will happen for many years. there will  be many good years to come. i'm sure there will be many more bad years to come too. it's all about balance. 

anytwaddle- happy calendar change day. happy start writing the wrong date on checks for a month. happy night to get smashingly drunk and kiss a stranger at midnight. or happy get smashingly drunk and kissing the one you're with. happy make a bunch of new resolutions that you wont keep. one way or another: HAPPY. happiness to all of you. may you learn to see the good and celebrate it. may you be surrounded by people that you love from here forward. may you truly have a HAPPY new year.

happiness, rainbows, unicorns and all that other schmoopy shit- from our family to yours.

the thanksgiving trip (finally)

wow. so. i haven’t posted in FOREVER. there’s a million and one excuses- none of them hold water (or snow in this weather). i could say i’ve been busy finishing up things at work, and i have, but i’ve also been only working half days for the last two weeks due to the holiday (and my chomping at the bit to be out of here). i could say things have been crazy at home, but we all know i’m an insane insomniac and there’s plenty of quiet down time to write if i would just do it. i could say there hasn’t been anything to write about, but there’s a LIST of blog topics, two trips, and my first two major holidays without family to prove otherwise. so. basically it just boils down to me slacking and keeping the voices in my head instead of getting them out and getting a start on what i’m supposed to be spending the whole next year doing.

*sigh*

long story short: there may be a blog flood by the end of the day.

we may as well back track to thanksgiving:

FIRST FAMILY TRIP!

that’s right. and yes, it’s sad. it was our first family trip. my spawns are 12 and 7 and this was our first family trip. welcome to poor ass broke, population: us. BUT this year is different and we headed over to silver mountain in kellogg, idaho for a long weekend at their ski hill/indoor water park. the trip over was really short…don’t know why i haven’t realized before how close it is. it was my first time back to kellogg in probably close to 11 years. went over to visit a few times when the oldest spawn was tiny and my brother was a cop over there- so, yeah. a while. the resort was BEAUTIFUL. we had a cute little room with a huge kitchen, dual head shower, soaking tub, fire place, balcony- hell, it even had a washer/dryer in the room which came in handy with all the swim suits and things. that’s right, we went there for thanksgiving, to a ski hill, in the snow, and spent 90% of our time in the water. nothing says thanksgiving like sitting in a hot tub drinking vodka/seven. this may be a new tradition! the first day was a bit rough. my kids and i have been so scattered with work and school and rushing home to hurry and get some dinner so they could hurry off to bed for the next day…we haven’t really had any time together. so this was a big change for us. and it was a GOOD change. a good chance to reconnect and be a family. once we worked through a few hiccups and got used to being around each other things were good. we did make it up the ski hill one day- took the gondola 45 minutes up to the top of the ski hill realize we’re not really snow people. i shouldn’t say that. we don’t mind snow. we don’t mind cold. but when you have snow AND cold AND wind it gets to be a little much. especially when it’s the type of wind that you have to lean into to stand up straight…i’m more of a fireplace and book kind of girl when the weather is like that. but the oldest one got to snowboarding and sledding (inner tubes). the little one didn’t want to try anything, so we quickly called it a good experience and headed back down the hill back to the hot tubs and water slides. in all we ended up having an excellent time and really enjoyed being with each other. there’s not much more you could ask for! there were a few rough patches- the thanksgiving dinner was TERRIBLE but it was balanced out by awesome food at the snack bar at the water park- there’s something about cheap ass pizza and nachos that was HAPPY IN THE PANTS for the whole weekend. the first day at the water park was rough also- the little spawn has a really hard time doing things that are new and different. you basically have to FORCE him to try things. once you do it’s all well and good, but the initial experience is always draining. the first day he REFUSED to get into the water at all: no wading, no slides, no fountains- it was looking to be a LONG weekend. but after a few tears (on both sides) and finally getting him into the water, there was no getting him out on the last day when it was time to go. something we will have to keep working through each time we face something new. hopefully he’ll learn to fight a little less and trust a little more and it will balance out.

overall it was as good as a trip could have been. the roads were good on the way there and back, we had movies and snuggle time every night, fun in the water park all day, and really just an excellent first family vacation. YES, there are pictures. i’ll add a few to this when i get a chance- i *JUST* downloaded them on my laptop a few days ago and haven’t had a chance to go through them at all yet.

now to the icky part of it: it was hard for me. two year ago i had my first ever thanksgiving with my dad and my little brother. last year we had thanksgiving with my dad but my little brother was gone. this year they are both gone. it was really hard. i tried not to think about it the whole weekend, but considering that the whole reason we were able to take the trip…yeah. double edged sword. it was GREAT to be able to go and have a good time and start our own new little family tradition. but is SUCKED that we had to start our own new little family tradition. i made it through the whole trip without too many tears (save the battles with the small spawn) but driving home we drove past the valley mall in spokane. not a big deal. we’ve been out to the mall a few times over the past few months, i’ve driven to idaho and back and down that stretch of road a few times. but for some reason, this time driving back i was reminded of a few years ago when my dad and his wife stayed at a hotel out by the mall for the oldest spawns birthday. i remember sitting in their hotel room with them while the spawn opened his gifts and the kids getting to stay the night there and go swimming with grandpa. maybe it was because we were just coming back from a hotel, maybe it was because it was a family gathering, maybe it was just that i really saw what i was driving past for the first time in a while but holy fuck did it hit like a ton of bricks. out of nowhere i was suddenly bawling and flooded with memories and thinking about the whole weekend we had just finished and all of it all at once. it’s the strange moments like that that hit the hardest. they’re the ones you can’t see coming and can’t prepare for. you can prepare for the big holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, the BIG things. but the little things, the random reminders, the out of the blue memories that hit- those are SO FUCKING HARD. they just hit you and level you and leave you flat on your ass wondering what the fuck just happened. there i was, driving down the interstate, coming off an excellent weekend, and suddenly i’m just BAWLING. not the best when you’re going 70 down the road with 2 kids in the back seat that have no idea what’s going on.

i’m finding more of those lately too. those odd moments that just HIT. i was getting better for a while- feeling more on an even keel, healing, dealing well, but the last week or so has just been wicked. not even so much the christmas thing although that didn’t help (but i’ll get to that in another post). just the small thing- remembering how he always asked about my snow tires, how he always reminded me that i can’t feed the world, remembering how he did whatever he could whenever he could to help someone else out. just remembering him. trying to think of and remember as much as i can. every memory that i want to hold on to. i want to take time to write out all my memories of him and share them with everyone- partially so i don’t forget, and partially so you all can know him too.

so. you know. it was a hard but good weekend. it was a new tradition. it was our chance to be a family. it was also a reminder that the old things can’t happen anymore. and it was a time to feel the loss of the family that is gone. everything in balance, right?