thank you captain obvious

so. i'm trying to learn.

it's okay to feel things. without blaming something/having an excuse.
it's okay to be sad and cry without saying it's pms.
it's okay to be upset about things and explore why instead of just trying to make it go away.
it's okay to be depressed and hurt and sad and heartbroken without creating a joke to cover it up.

crying doesn't mean i'm weak or being a drama queen or overly emotional. it means i'm a person. and i'm allowing myself to BE a person.

today was a hard day for no reason in particular. and part of the way through the day i just wanted to have a good cry but i kept talking myself out of it and blaming pms and telling myself to knock it off. then i finally stopped and asked myself why it's so wrong to just cry it out sometimes. why is it so bad to allow myself that moment? and just ALLOW it. don't try to make an excuse. don't try to make a joke. don't try to rush it along. just allow it. just be there. in that moment. let my heart and my mind go through that. let my spirit purge and heal.

and so i did. i let myself have that moment. i put in my mp3 ear buds and bawled my way through taking off my make up and washing my face and brushing my teeth. i'm letting myself feel it while i'm writing this. i'm not making an excuse. i'm just feeling.

it's odd for me. and it's scary. and i honestly don't like it. it seems like once you get started ALL of it wants to come out at once which is feeling like a LOT too much for one night. it's been hard typing this because i keep wanting to joke or be bitchy or cover up my exposed part. i think the hardest part is makes me feel the gap of not having someone to share all this with. which is getting harder every day. maybe it's because its spring time and everyone around me is coupling off. maybe it's because my youngest spawn will be 7 on friday which means it's been over 6 years since i was part of a "we" (as short lived as even that was). i just know that as much as i've said it before, it feels so much more this time around. maybe it's simply because i'm actually learning to let myself feel.