could you?

i've been meaning to share this for a week or so now. just haven't gotten around to making myself sit down and write it:

my oldest spawn is a typical preteen kid: he's moody. you never really know what he's thinking. and sometimes he flat out shocks the hell out of me.

the other day he was acting all strange and holden caulfield on me (or more so than normal anyway). i finally was able to get him to talk to me a bit- it went something like: "if you don't tell me what's going on, i'm going to dead leg you so hard you'll need a walker at graduation." so, he talked. smart choice. he goes through these phases of i don't want to be at moms house, or i don't want to be at dads house (generally based on whomever made him do more chores the previous week is the house he wants to avoid). typical split home kid...work the situation so it works best for you...this time around it happened to be an "i don't want to go to my dad house." normally i wouldn't think too much about it but recently his dad had to take a second job and their time together has been little and far between...so it seemed odd that the spawn would be willing to give ANY of it up, regardless of the chore situation. so i pushed it.

me: WHY don't you want to go to your dads house?
him: i just DON'T
me: WHY
him: MOM. i just don't
me: dead leg much?
him: MOM. he smokes pot!
me: so? he has since high school. you've know he does for a few years...you told me about this a LONG time ago. why the sudden issue?
him: because i can't hang out with a drug addict mom!
me: (trying to keep a straight face) a drug addict?
him: yeah. he smokes pot like, all the time. he's a drug addict.
me: ok. i understand that. i think if you really feel this way you need to let him know.

**pause for a bad parenting moment: i pulled this line out of the bag thinking it would be a non issue. thinking it would just end the conversation so i could go off and laugh my ass off about how he made his dad sound like the head of the mexican drug cartel or something just for smoking a little pot. like some dark, scary, corrupt drug underworld had suddenly taken over his dad's suburban cul-de-sac cookie cutter home. unpause**

him: really? do i have to tell him?
me: if it really bothers you this much then yeah, i think you should talk to him about it. he deserves to know why you don't want to hang out at his house. and i can't tell him your feelings...you need to tell him your feelings.
him: but it will be really hard!
me: you're absolutely right. it will be the hardest thing you've ever had to do. but if it's important to you would it be worth it?

so he walks away for a few minutes then comes back. and asks to borrow my phone.

AND. CALLED. HIS. DAD.

let that sink in. my ELEVEN YEAR OLD called his dad and talked to him about how smoking pot was an issue. which meant telling his dad he knew about the pot. and standing up to his dad for what he believed was something wrong. ELEVEN. can you even imagine? i've had to have the drug conversation with someone twice. one was a pot smoker that liked to play baseball with my kids while stoned. the other was an oxy addict that thought it was okay to have his "just in case" stash on him while he was at my house ("i don't NEED them, i just like to have them in case i get stressed out or upset about something." whatever.). both were a HELL NO for me. but i was in my twenties. and neither one was a parent.

can you imagine? my eleven year old called his dad out. i was SO PROUD of him in that moment. i didn't agree with him. but i was SO PROUD of him for having his opinion and being willing to stand up for it.

so. he got off the phone with his dad and i hugged him for approximately the next 3954 hours (did i mention i was proud of him??) then waited for the phone call back from his dad to ask that the eff that was all about. eventually spawn went off to bed and his dad DID call. i explained to him that i didn't agree but thought it was important to let him express his opinion. i told him not to freak out about it, i would talk to the spawn more in the morning about it. but we were both amazed that he did it.

the next morning the spawn and i did talk more about it and i explained my opinion of it and why some people use it. we talked about how for some people it helps them be able to calm down and turn their brain off which was something he could relate to being an over thinker like me. we talked about how it helps sick people with cancer or different diseases. how it can be legal in washington with a prescription. how it can be safer for some people than being put on other medications. i explained to him that i have tried it before because the medications the doctors had me try for depression/stress were too dangerous for me but i don't smoke pot because it could get me fired from my job. i explained that it is a "safe" drug. it is NOT a meth or cocaine or heroin. i explained that i don't agree with when his dad started smoking (high school) but i can certainly understand why he smokes now with all the stress of the last year. we talked about other friends that smoke and why- war veterans with PTSD, chronic pain, over thinkers. we talked about how it isn't safe for kids to smoke pot because it their bodies haven't finished developing yet and they don't know how it will affect them. i tried to cover every different angle on it i could and let him know that i was very glad he had thought about it and had his opinion on it and had talked to his dad. i told him how proud i was of him again. if he can talk to his dad about it then talking to friends at school about it will be CAKE. if he could tell his dad he thought it was wrong then peer pressure should be nothing!

after we finished talking he thought about it more and called his dad again that night and talked more to him about it too (and went and spent the evening/night with his dad).

but the whole thing just SHOCKED me. can you imagine? taking a stand like that at ELEVEN? holy crap. when the cards are down...that's a pretty damn good kid right there. he's turning out well in spite of me! there may be hope for him yet!