finding it

this month has been a challenge. it's taken me a while to figure out why.

i thought i had this whole empty nester thing down.

i mean, what is there to figure out?

it's literally *just* me, alone in my apartment.

really, what is there to figure out?

turns out, more than you think. and i think a LOT.

there's a few things that all form a perfect storm: stress, depression, LOTS of quiet time, personality type, financial status, and biggest road block, my own brain.

i talk to myself constantly, not out loud, but my brain always has a dialogue running. ALWAYS. i talk over things a thousand times in my head, to the point, where _I'M_ exhausted of hearing myself talk about them. and then i think: WRITE IT DOWN. GET IT OUT.

but i've heard it SO MUCH in my head i think, i must have already annoyed the crap out of everyone else from making them hear about this too! when in reality it's never been anywhere but my head.

i have a very small group of people i text message or snap chat about things, and that by no means is EVERYONE. and i fully acknowledge that none of my people have ever said: YOU ALREADY SAID THAT. i think because most of them understand: if i have to say it again, there's something that still not worked out yet.

this is all a really long way to say i'm still really struggling.

i thought moving would be easy. i'd get all settled in, start a new routine, things would just take off and it would be great.


then one night i realized it took me almost 30 minutes to convince myself that yes, stella really did need to go out one more time before bed. she's a puppy. she can't just get up in the middle of the night and go potty.

well...she CAN...but do i want to wake up to a puddle in the middle of one of my carpets?

when you're annoyed that your BULLDOG has more energy than you? when you have to talk yourself up to taking her out to potty? maybe it's time to really, really evaluate what's going on.

here's the evaluation:

my maslow's heriarchy is truly fucked up.

in the last 6 months my whole pyramid has crumbled or shifted or both.

i mention maslow all the time, but if you're not familiar with the pyramid, here it is

when you look at that chart, EVERY. SINGLE. SLICE. of that pyramid is a work-in-progress right now for me. bottom to the top, ESPECIALLY the top.

that's a lot to deal with.one or two is considered a big change in life. ALL THE PIECES? i don't even know. it's a fucking shit show.

physiological needs: moving was expensive. double rent for a few months, old electric bills AND new electric bills, annoying little costs at the new place- the little costs that sneak up on you. "oh, it's only $40 for a wall mount for the tv" and "oh, it's just a few dollars at home depot for command hooks" and "i'll just pop over to the general store real quick to pick up a an outlet adapter. and an extension cord. and a wall hook for the bathroom..." and "oooo, that's really cute, i can get a FEW new things to decorate my living room..."

this all trickles downstream to my regular bills- and then things get tight all over because i wasn't paying attention, which is 100% my own fault. then it's the fun game of $5 til payday and "how many ways can i make rice (if i don't burn it, yes, that's an issue i have.)" and with food insecurity comes break down in body and health and mental clarity.

which leads to the second slice- work is...challenging right now. i'm struggling with ethics and how much to let personal beliefs affect work at my morning job. my afternoon has been dropping hours left and right- take, for example the recent 3 day weekend: everyone is getting an early start on the 3-day weekend, not unheard of. i left early on the thursday before because i was out of things to do, and monday was a non-paid holiday (part time worker). that works out to my paycheck missing three days. when money is already tight? fuuuuuck.

when you wake up every morning already dreading the day it makes for a really long fucking day.

but why stop there? shall we keep climbing the ladder? let's wade deeper into the shit swamp shall we?

love and belonging? esteem? self actualization? lord love a duck. that's been the majority of my life trying to get those pieces sorted and stabilized.

i have been spending so much energy and time processing trauma, history, life experiences, decisions, future plans. i have spent nights YELLING at the universe in frustration. plenty of tears. a few sarcastic laughs in there.

i'm trying so hard to let go of old things to make room for new things. it's fucking hard. some of those old thoughts have been in my head for what feels like forever.

when's the first time you remember hating yourself?

i remember getting the "most improved" award for swim team when i was...maybe 11? was i excited that i won? nope. i was embarrassed. i knew in my heart they only gave it to the new kid on the team. sure i'm "most improved" when i didn't have a time at the beginning of the season, any finishing time is an improvement. that's really what i thought. hell. that's what i still think. sure, i loved swimming. i have my first water certification for swimming from when i was 2 somewhere in a box in my house. i was swimming before i could walk. i LOVE the water. always have. but was i "most improved" swimmer? no. of course not.

I WAS ELEVEN. if that. that's how far back it goes.

when you've been hearing the voice of hate longer than you haven't? when you remember hearing it before anything else? that's a freight train that's really hard to stop and turn around.

but fuck if i'm not working on it.

i know my pyramid is all fucked up. i'm working so hard on it.

i've been going on job interviews to try to find a better/healthier place to work. it's exhausting going on interview after interview and not getting ANY call backs, even to tell me FUCK NO WE DON'T WANT YOU. the closest i've had to an official notification/rejection is "if we haven't called you by 5 on friday we picked someone else." BEFORE I EVEN LEFT THE INTERVIEW. 

but it's hard. i have bills to pay. i have mostly stable income now, i can't just jump without something else to land on. i need to survive. but fuck do i need a change. it's really hard going to work every day for someone that would exterminate you given the opportunity. that really fucks with your head.

but i'm not giving up.

and i'm working so hard on self confidence and self love. maybe a little too much. the other night i went out for whisky wednesday, as per usual. there's another gal there that's a regular. way more of a regular than me. she knows everyone, she's one of THE people there. and she's never particularly cared for me. i've tried to have little conversations with her here and there to no avail.

this week i noticed she was having a really rough night. i leaned over across the empty stool between us and asked if she was ok. I KNOW. good damn do I KNOW. I KNOW, I KNOW the look on her face when i asked. it was the OF COURSE I'M NOT OK BUT DON'T BE NICE TO ME I'LL CRY look. oh how familiar i am with that look. and i know the LAST thing you want is some stranger poking in your business when that happens. so i just said, "GIRL, i see you." that's it. just letting her know someone noticed. someone cares. someone knows you exist.

a while later i could feel her energy shift a little and she started talking to me a bit here and there. turns out she hates me. well, like, girl hates me. i mentioned something about my little cooper and she was like OF COURSE that's your car. just when i thought i couldn't be any more jealous of you, i realized that was YOUR car.

HOLD.

UP.

wait. what? girl, you're jealous of ME?????

oh honey.

i mean THANK YOU. but no. but what? but no. oh honey no.

and she was like, OF COURSE i'm jealous of you. you always show up here looking all glam and together and then OF COURSE that's your car.

and OH MY GOD. it's working. people think i have my shit together. jfc the fake it part really does work.

all the hard work. it's paying off. i work SO HARD to look put together all the time. i'm so careful about my skin and my hair and my make up and my clothes. i work SO. HARD. to look like a real grown up adult. SO HARD. and i have to MAKE MYSELF go out for whisky wednesdays. i start talking myself into in on sundays. yeah. sunday.

i spend half my week talking myself into going out then the other half of my week trying to convince myself i wasn't awkward when i DID go out. it's super fun being in my head.

but maybe it's finally working?

but good heavens and shit on a shingle, don't be jealous of me girl.

and so we started talking. for a brief second it was almost a contest of who's shit pile is bigger but i just kept saying SEE GIRL. we all have our shit. and she was like no, you don't understand. THIS HORRIBLE THING. and i would answer with my own HORRIBLE THING. and then she would say but no, THIS HORRIBLE THING. yeah girl. i have a catalog of those too. BUT WAIT! oh, yeah, honey, i got the sham-wow shit deal too. call now and we'll throw in double the bullshit and emotional baggage!

GIRL. I GOT YOU. i get it. oh lord do i get it. and slowly we just started to talk.

and maybe i am figuring it out. maybe i am starting to be the person i'm working so hard to be.

i've been doing fairly well the last few weeks. when i went to refill my vitamins there was only one day left in the container. i've been doing food prep and actually taking the meals i make. i've been sleeping better and making healthier life choices.

i'm leaning in to all the "weird" parts of me that i've always know were there but didn't know what to do with (my first tarot card deck is on it's way!). i've always been painfully honest with people, but now i'm not hiding the parts i'm uncomfortable being honest about. because is it really honesty when it's just carefully curated and selected pieces? i'm BEING ME. i'm still finding out what that really is, but i'm working on it.

all the clothes in my closet? I'M WEARING THEM. this week alone i cut the tags off 5 things that have been hiding on hangers for YEARS that i was too scared to wear. and guess what: I LOVE THEM. there's a reason i bought them. GIRL. PUT THE DAMN CLOTHES ON YOUR BODY. that's been my mantra this week. JUST PUT THE DAMN CLOTHES ON YOUR BODY. 

i'm rebuilding my damn pyramid and you bet your ass this time around it is going to be a brick. house.

i'm working on it. i'm finding it.

but dear lord don't be jealous of me.

are you still one of those letters?

a few years ago i volunteered at a booth for pride.

my brother called for one of his quarterly check ins and the conversation went something like this:

bro: you're at pride? but don't you have to be one of THOSE LETTERS to go to pride?

me: THOSE LETTERS? like LGBTQIA? no. you don't have to be one of THOSE LETTERS to show your support for the community. i mean, i am. there's a b in there. B is one of "those letters," but no, you don't have to be one of those letters.

bro: what do you mean you are one of those letter?

me: i'm bi. you didn't know that? oh. huh. by the by, i'm bi.

bro: *silence*

that's about as close as i've ever come to having a "coming out" conversation with my family. 

my brother still calls to check in. he still asks "...are you still one of those letters?" every time we talk.

he's not an asshole. he's just...my brother. he's not intentionally terrible.

in his own way he's trying.

he used to always end conversations by saying "...and remember to stay away from men. all men are evil. if you think one isn't, he's lying."

at least now he's adapted to say "...and remember, stay away from men AND women..."

change.

it's still horrible. it's probably funny to him. to me it's reinforcing that i don't deserve a happy, healthy partnership, WITH ANYONE. but. i mean. it's my brother. he thinks my tattoos and colored hair are me being rebellious. he still can't understand why i quit my stable corporate job eight years ago. he really just doesn't understand anything about me. at all.

to be fair, (to be fair) it took me a really long time to understand me. honestly, i'm still working on it.

i mean hell, it took me damn on 27 years to know i was bi.

gay didn't exist in the town i grew up in. it REALLY didn't exist in the church i grew up in. 

gay was this horrible thing you heard about on the news that killed people with aids that you got from sitting on a public toilet seat. and something about a quilt on the white house lawn.

that's the extent of what "gay" was for the formative years of my existence.

i was married and divorced and 2 kids in before i realize....you know...i only watch girl on girl porn...hmmmm...maybe there's something to that...

i was well into life before i really understood that i'm equally attracted to people of both sexes.

i'm still not even quite sure bi is the right letter for me. i'm more about people i can get along with and have brilliant stimulating connective conversations with more than who has which parts that go where.

but whatever i am, it's been a process to even be ok talking about it.

for the people that still believe you can choose your sexual orientation: HI. HAVE YOU MET ME?

if being gay were a choice? lord love a duck i would have permanently switched teams years ago. spoiler alert: it wasn't a woman that raped me either time. it wasn't a woman that sexually assaulted me. it wasn't a woman grabbing my breasts at work every time they walked by my desk. i wasn't in an abusive marriage with a woman. i have, to this day, never been called a fat fucking cunt by another woman.

on the flip side, how much easier would my life be if i was totally straight? if my kid had never come home telling me he was being raised in a dangerous household because of my sexuality (yes, his youth group really told him that, just a few years ago).

if i was straight i wouldn't have to worry about all the shame stuff in my head for being interested in women. if i was straight i wouldn't have to worry about dating a woman and being attacked for walking down the street together. if i was straight maybe i would be a little less offended by the blatant gay bashing i listen to on the reg because i'm "passable" (nope. i would still be offended as fuck. knock it off ya'll).

what is passable? passable means if you don't know me, you don't know i'm gay.

i have kids. i talk about going on dates with men. i LOOK straight (whatever that means).

i'm passable as straight.

but, obviously, because i popped out a few crib midgets back in the day, LET THE GAY BASHING COMMENCE.

how about we just don't gay bash ANYONE, whether or not we know if they're straight or not.

i'm too gay to be straight and too straight to be gay.

i don't even really belong anywhere. trust: if sexuality was a choice? i sure as fuck wouldn't choose this grey murky ground of barely existing.

if a lesbian finds out i'm bi, they don't want to date me because men are icky.

if a guy finds out i'm bi he thinks he won the golden ticket to endless threesomes from now til the end of time.

don't forget the whole camp of people who think i'm just confused or denying that i'm strictly one or the other.

the last few years i've allowed myself to "be a little gay" outwardly. i talk more about when i go out with women as well as when i go out with men. i have visible pride apparel (thank you popsocket pride edition!), my house is full of rainbows, i have "gay clothes" i wear (my "switch hitter" shirt makes me giggle when people read it and maybe figure it out). for fucks sake, i have a full body rainbow onesie. kinda hard to miss that when i wear it.


this year? i'm just allowing myself to BE.

whatever that means.

if you can't be associated with me anymore? there's the door.

if you accept me "in spite of" who i am? there's the fucking door.

if you accept me. FULL STOP.

hi. welcome to my life.

my wish for everyone this year: may you know who you are early and be proud of it and confident in it, whomever you are. no wasted years.

if your family doesn't understand? find a new one. trust: there's people out there that will accept you. JUST AS YOU ARE.

if you're confused? if it takes you a while to dial it in? hi. i'm almost 40 and still figuring this shit out.

this year: may you find yourself. may you find acceptance. may you find  confidence and peace and joy in living a real authentic life. whatever that looks like to you.

may you have PRIDE in yourself and who you are.

happy one of those letter months ya'll.