poor ms. fluffington

i have to laugh a little bit when people say i'm a force to be reckoned with. i am the exact opposite of a confrontational person. sure, i'll think of a MILLION thing to say, but i'll never actually say any of them. i can draft and rewrite and rehearse the most powerful, poignant, eloquent, point hitting speeches IN MY HEAD. 
when it comes to actually confronting people or problems however: i'm useless. completely, totally, silently USELESS. i cry when i get too emotional- angry, frustrated, scared, mad, hurt, you name it, start the fucking waterworks. and not in a "oh, look at me throwing a crying fit" kind of way, just in the "this is a physiological response i can't help" kind of way. it's so fucking annoying. is there a surgery to remove tear ducts? that would be great.

why do i bring this up? because there's a few changes i need to make in my life and i'm TERRIFIED to confront them. there's people i need to deal with, issues that have long since needed put to bed, shit going on that just needs to be done and over.

and i just. can't. do. it.

i'm immobilized by the if's, and's and but's of it. you want to know the worst that can happen? i have the top 100 reactions to every situation in my mind, and trust me, i've gone over them a million times each. yes, this is what it's like to live with a brain that will never shut off.

worst part is, most times i do bite the bullet and just get something over with- the reaction is similar to what's in my head on the worst end of things. NOT ALWAYS, but a few times is all it takes to be terrified of a repeat.

i know i could say it all here, in type. i know i could exactly lay out every bullet point in logical, perfect order in a way i could NEVER do in a conversation. so why don't i? because i'm a chicken. i'm afraid that maybe someone will read it and want to have a discussion about it. i'm afraid that it will seem passive aggressive and wishy washy. i'm afraid that if i let myself rely on text then i'll never learn to put on my big girl panties and deal with things head on.

but i've got this quite splendid track record of train wrecks to prove why it's usually better to just keep my trap shut. so. damned if i do, damned if i don't. instead i just sit here drafting speeches that will never gain voice in my head, letting them rattle around over and over, driving myself just a little more cerebrally insane each day. it's quite delightful. well, in the way that fresh squeezed lemon juice on a paper cut is. 

i need to learn somehow how to have discussions that don't end in nuclear explosion brawls. i need to learn how to state my point, and listen to the rebuttal without getting offended or defensive. i need to learn how to talk to people before i'm at the quitting line.

welcome to every break up i've ever been through- friend or lover. a million little things that if discussed could have been resolved, but i let them back build until it's one giant rush of FUCK YOU I'M DONE! and tact and manners and decorum go out the window, every issue comes pouring out in the most verbally hurtful way, the torches come out, and some bridges get fucking burned. 

instead of a simple "you know, i'm quite unhappy with the situation."

it's becomes: "YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHAT AND I HATE EVERY LITTLE THING ABOUT YOU. i want to punch your mother in the vagina for giving birth to you. i want too build a delorian time machine and go back to nine months before you were born and slap your father in the face for even thinking about polluting your mother with his fuckwit juice. i want to feed your pet kitten ms. fluffington to a shark while you watch in horror. i want to tie you down and force feed you tofu while i eat a giant steak. i want to break ALL the chips in your brand new bag before you get any. YOU ASSHOLE."

so. i suppose that's another thing to add to the list of improvements for 2013. any ideas on how to practice?

a chink in the armor

so. you know those serious things rolling in my brain that i mentioned last post? turns out they won’t go away, so here i am writing about it. you know what that mean…prepare for serious with only a small side of humor. ~sigh~ stupid serious thoughts. why can’t they just take a hike? oh wait…this is me…and NO part of me is even remotely interested in anything that has the word hike associated with it…so…yeah, guess that makes a little more sense. dang.

dear readers: i have a flaw. I KNOW! it was a shock to me too. i mean _ME_ the epitome of perfection. a flaw. ~gasp~ a chink in the armor. a weakness. an achilles heel. i’ll give you a moment to absorb this. it was earth shifting for me as well.

ok…so. i’ve learned a bad habit or behaviour over the years and i need to UNLEARN it. not so easy after 30 years. especially when i’m just now admitting to it. i’ve known it was there for a year or two, but i hoped it was something i wouldn’t have to learn how to deal with. but…as goes life…it happens to be in an area that you can’t really ignore. or i should say the ignoring is half the problem.

so what is this tragic flaw? i have no conflict resolution abilities. as in NONE. as in the mere idea of talking about a problem sends me into a PANIC. having a serious discussion with someone TERRIFIES me. pee my pants, curled in fetal position in the corner, sucking my thumb, humming to myself TERRIFIED. throw up nervous. snakes on a plane FREAKING OUT.

i know. ME. of all people. the loud mouth, bitter, sarcastic bitch of all bitches. scared of an argument. of a discussion. of talking about ANYTHING that bothers me.

“but you’re doing it right now” you might think. well…yeah…BUT YOU CAN’T TALK BACK. sure, you might comment, you might mention something LATER, but right now in my little bloggers bubble it’s safe. see…this is a learned behaviour. and it goes WAY back. growing up we never talked about anything, let alone ARGUE. that was just something that was never done. my folks split before i knew what was going on, so i missed the battles there. and then when my mom remarried they NEVER, EVER let us see their problems. partially because my mom is 90% ostrich and will never admit that there ever have been even a hint of problems, and partially because the other 10% of her thought it would be damaging to us kids to see that. GUESS WHAT: ~shock~ i disagree. i believe it’s VERY HEALTHY for kids to see arguments between adults but even more than that SEE HOW THEY WORK IT OUT. so that way they know that not every discussion is the end of the world. things can be a huge problem, but it can be worked through. see that even if people get upset, or can’t agree, or have an all out battle it can be fixed and over come and it doesn’t always have to be an ugly, abusive, hurtful train wreck. it’s in the combination of the two words: conflict AND RESOLUTION. there’s going to be conflict at some point in life. GUA.RAN.TEED. it’s the RESOLUTION part of it that people need to learn/teach. and i have NO CLUE.

after growing up with my mom in the no conflict world, my oldest sons dad and i had a *ahem* few problems. we were 17 and pregnant. we had NO CLUE about life. there were some EPIC battles. hard core, all out BATTLES. and i usually ended up in tears (hormones…i totally blame the hormones) and nothing was ever resolved or worked through. after home, and baby daddy, i moved on to a horrible marriage. in my marriage i not only learned that i can’t talk about things that bother me, i can’t talk about ANYTHING. no opinions, no thoughts, nothing that wasn’t pre-approved. hell…the most epic/memorable battle was over green beans in the tater tot casserole. it turned into a SCREAMING fit of terror (him at me) to where i ended up in tears, on the kitchen floor, in emotional shreds. OVER GREEN BEANS PEOPLE.

so this has turned into me: unable to talk. try wrapping your head around that. ME: NOT TALKING.

i have things that bother me. i have things to talk about. things i NEED to talk about. they all start out as things that WOULD BE small issues, but i stuff them deep down and ignore them until i can’t stuff anymore and then there’s this huge earth ending explosion. and let me just say: not the best results. theyre small things would have been easy to work through and get over. but because i’m TERRIFIED of how it will go, i’m TERRIFIED of being torn down, i’m TERRIFIED of being walked away from…i just can’t do it. i can’t talk. and to me, it’s a very real fear: even in the last few years- the times i’ve tried to overcome this i’ve been gut kicked, torn to shreds and walked away from for MONTHS by close friends. sure, things usually (not always) cool off and come back around, but if this happens even over the little things…how on earth could i ever talk about something BIG? and so i don’t. i just push it all away to a back, dark, quiet corner and HOPE that it never reaches that boiling point. and it’s NOT healthy, by any stretch of the imagination.

and i know part of it is a shift in thinking for me: these can be discussions, not arguments, not battles. but history has taught me there are no discussions, ONLY arguments. and how do you unlearn that? you need someone you can argue in a healthy way with. someone you can DISCUSS with and not have it turn into a death cage match. and i haven’t found someone like that yet. friend, partner, family…anywhere. i have people that like to tell me i’m wrong for what i’m feeling. i have people that tell me what i can say and how i can say it. i have people that only want to say their side. i have people that laugh at my side.

why did this all come up? well: two reasons. there are a few parts of my life that i can feel reaching that boiling point again. and i’m TERRIFIED of when that will happen. if i can’t find another way to deal with it…i’m scared of losing people. also: i know that i never learned the right way which means i won’t be able to teach the right way. my kids are getting old enough and we’re starting to have different opinions and voices at my house- i need to learn SOON so i can show the HEALTHY and GOOD way to work through things. i don’t want them to go through life with this feeling of having no voice or being scared to say what they feel/think. i want them to know they can come to me and it might get ugly depending on the topic, but we WILL find an answer, and we WILL make it out the other side TOGETHER.

~sigh~

i’m done now. anyone wanna fight?