get the fuck out already 2009

holy fuck. i can’t even begin to believe that it’s the end of 2009 already. i’ve lost track of the last few months…i knew the year end was coming, but HOLY FUCK…it’s here. the only thing i can say to 2009 as it slinks out the door is FUCK YOU 2009. YOU SUCKED. and i know it wasn’t just for me…this year sucked for everyone all the way around as far as i can tell. the year started off like shit and went downhill from there. BUT. i will say, there have been good points, there have been GREAT points to the year, it wasn’t a TOTAL loss, and i do realize that as shitty as this year was, i have as much to kiss the ass of karma for as i have to bitch about. when all the chips are down i have a great stable job with a boss i love, my bills are for the first time in a long time under control and i don’t have the dark cloud of credit cards looming over me (hell, i don’t even have credit cards at all), i have a great house that keeps us warm and happy, the kids are healthy, the car runs, there’s food in the cupboards, i’ve had the chance to learn more about myself, i’ve had the chance to help others, i’ve loved and lost, i’ve grown, i’ve learned. and push comes to shove I’M STILL HERE TO SHOVE BACK. that, in and of itself, is more of a victory than can really be expressed. can’t be all bad when you look at it that way. but make no mistake, this year SUCKED in a hard core way. here’s a brief year end review from out house:

january found us buried under a fucking TON of snow. my dad came up to help us shovel out and clear of the roof (since that landlord could have given a fuck less) and ended up wrecking out his elbow for a while. thanks for nothing mother nature.
feburary started out with a bang- my fuckhead landlord called and told me he was selling the house and i needed to get out as soon as possible. the REAL story turned out to be he wasn’t so much selling as trying to avoid foreclosure. turns out my rent hadn’t been paying the mortgage in a LONG time. nice. well done asshole. so started the first move of the year. we found a cute house and packed up and moved. good news was that it helped me clean house and get rid of things that were just sitting around taking up space. cleaned out the boys clothes/toys, miscellaneous closets, pared down furniture that was collecting dust/stacks of things. so not all bad. later in february started the family scares: got a call that my mum was in the hospital in colville. i decided that in the end i would rather know that i checked in on her rather than wishing i had checked in. so i drove to colville and saw her for the first time in a long time. thank heavens we avoided anything too serious with that one. as much as my mum and i don’t get along, i’m glad she’s still around and healthy (now).
march saw my youngest spawn turning SIX already. six. DAMN. wasn’t he just learning to walk? his kindergarten year was a challenge. march i was in and out of the principal’s office trying to get him extra help since his teacher didn’t care one way or the other. good times. we did a family hockey game with my dad and my older brother (and families) for the birthday celebration- it was good to have everyone here for an evening. big dinner at the spaghetti factory, hockey game, much love all around. we don’t do that nearly enough.
april was the first big hit by the shit train. found out a friend died from a heart attack at the age of 36. no warning. just GONE. we had talked a week before about getting together for lunch. i learned that you need to stop TALKING to people about getting together and GET TOGETHER ALREADY. do it. don’t plan any more. just call someone up and GO. tell them you love them every chance you get. josh was a creative, crazy, amazing person that i miss. he’s the only guy to ever cook me dinner. the first screen play i’ve read from a real person. he had amazing stories about traveling everywhere and doing the things he loved in life. he loved his friends, he adored his family, he was an amazing person.
may and june don’t really stand out- i think that was the only reprieve the year gave us. i know we spent MUCH time with friends at the coffee social. so many great nights of games, music, talking, just being there. for a short while that was a haven where we could just go and be and fit in. so many great memories of early summer nights there. the rest of the time i know we were doing things- kindergarten graduation, fixing up the lawn/garden of the house we were renting, a HUGE bbq with friends (really? 12 ears of corn for 3 adults and 2 kids?!?) in june right before school let out my youngest spawn had his tonsils removed. my dad was able to come stay with us for a few days when that went down which was fun. i also just remembered that was about the time we found out my dad had developed type 2 diabetes- he was shocked that i already knew what things he could and couldn’t eat, was checking in on him about his sugar levels and such…had that scare/threat myself a few years ago…not my first time at that rodeo. around the end of june it started to sink in that half my child support was not coming in, so i started looking at budget options and started to mutter about maybe moving again, but nothing for sure at that point. take a deep breath. i should have. june passed mostly quietly into july and that’s when the shit really began to hit the fan.
july was one great big mess from beginning to end. i know we (the kids and i) managed a few baseball games and fun nights, we celebrated my oldest sons birthday at the ball park, enjoyed the 4th of july with my dad in zillah shooting off literally a truck load of fireworks (not even kidding…the back of a ford f250 FULL of fireworks…nice being near a reservation!). i decided near the beginning of july that moving again was really the only way to go financially- it was either move again and have a little breathing room, or stay where we were at and be TIGHT all the time. neither option was really great, but i’d rather move one more time and have things be ok than be over my head again. so the moving process started. again. the search, finding a place, getting a plan together, packing…then the second big shit train hit. july 27th i picked up the phone and found out my sons step mother and infant brother had BOTH died during child birth. yes, you read that right (and you may have read other blogs about that too). they BOTH died during child birth- actually going into child birth. FUCK YOU 2009. WHY? i don’t get it. i didn’t get it then, i still can’t wrap my head around it now. the world i think literally stopped for a few days at our house, and we were on the fringes of the shock wave. every day shifted from standard bullshit to whatever could be done to keep things together, support my son (and his dad), a double funeral, the world basically being turned over and having the fuck shaken out of it like a snow globe that you thought was safe up on the top shelf being knocked off and shattering all over the fucking place. how the fuck do you deal with something like that as a person? as a parent? as a friend? as ANYTHING? things like that aren’t supposed to happen. ~sigh~ but they do. we somehow made it through that shock wave with a dose of moving thrown in the middle just for fucks sake. settled into the new house (which we LOVE more than anything). the world was just starting to right itself again, i had let the universe know what i thought of the shit move it had pulled more than once, things were calming down just a little and another call came in. my little brother had been in an accident. welcome to the beginning of august.
august 7th i got a call first thing in the morning that my little brother was in ICU at a hospital in seattle in a coma. he had been in an accident on his bike (pedal bike) and had fractured his skull requiring 4 hours of neuro surgery to relieve the bleeding on his brain. he was “ok” other than that. so aside from having his head cut open he was just fine. GREAT. as the world goes, at the same time my car decided to hate me and threatened to quit running so i was not able to make it over to see him. REALLY UNIVERSE? something as simple as a road trip? the days after that became a waiting game for phone call updates on how he was doing, when he would be allowed out of the hospital, how he was recovering. he did make a good recovery, had to relearn a few things, but did really well for how bad it was (literally minutes from not making it). the summer calmed down after that- it ended beautifully with bbqs a few times a week at the new house, new friends, new people in my life that were wonderful. so many great nights. “pool” parties, great conversations, many good drinks, just a lot of great nights to smooth things over for a while. the kids and i geared up for back to school- a big change this year with my oldest one heading off to a new school for advanced kids, the youngest starting 1st grade.
september was a great month. i had the best birthday i’ve ever had. EVER. dinner with my dad, a night out with friends, it was really great. especially since it was a wednesday…but when you turn 29 on 9.9.09 you HAVE to do it up big! my little brother called me for the first time ever (such a sad thing to admit) on my birthday and i talked to him for the first time since his accident. he was happy and healthy and excited about life, planning a trip over to see us and see our house for the first time. september was overall a good month. nothing too exciting. which was GOOD. very good.
october started out nice and mellow, kids excited about halloween. we went started going to a support group as a family to help my oldest son learn how to deal with the huge loss he went through earlier that summer. i was able to go out a few nights with friends here and there, something i haven’t done in years (at least not as often as i was able to for a while). things were great. suck a nice change from the middle of the year chaos. october 24th i woke up to my phone ringing at 8 in the morning which is NEVER a good thing. my older brother was calling to let me know that the night before my little brother (the one that had just been in the accident) had decided to end his own life. if you’ve read any of the other blogs you knew what was coming. like the shitty build up to the shitty climax that no one wants to read. let alone twice. so that day i got in my car and drove down to see my dad. we ended up going over to seattle to clean out my brother’s apartment that weekend also. it was the first time i had ever seen where he lived. after he died. i finally made it over to see where he lived, only after he died. ugh. i’ve covered all that in other blogs. i won’t get into it again here. the next weekend was his funeral (happy halloween everyone). and so ended october.
although november was just last month, i honestly can’t remember any of it. i know we went to see my dad for thanksgiving…which would have just been a few weeks ago. i know we did the therapy with a whole new added set of bullshit to work through. the rest of it is a blur. and here we are at christmas and new year. i cant remember much of december either. the rest of this year has just been a blur or trying to keep it together, drama off and on with the kids, drama off and on in my life. i let myself get all attached to someone and then remembered why that’s never a good thing: insert plenty of drama here. basically, the year went from shitty to FUCKED UP in the matter of a few months with a few breaks in the middle, but not much to salvage the reputation as the worst fucking year ever. as much shit as happened to me, i know i made it off easy. friends, family, everyone has had shit dumping down in a never ending reign of terror. deaths, lost jobs, injuries, bills, heart break. no one has survived the year unscathed in one way or another.
i won’t go into the pollyanna parade of crap again, but i DO realize how damn lucky i am in the middle of all this. but, overall, 2009 can piss off and get the fuck out already. here’s hoping 2010 will be a better year FOR EVERYONE.

i’m finishing this, i promise: i really want to say (through the tears…yes, i’m crying) i sincerely hope, with everything that is in me, that everyone has a great new years. i hope everyone gets to start the year off right tonight with someone they love. i hope you all let the people in your lives know how much you care about them. i really hope that this year looks up for everyone and that we can all have an easier go at it. to all of you in my life that have made it through this last year with me: thank you for being there and for still being there (seriously, im going to flood my stupid keyboard). each of you is in my life for a special reason, and i hope i’m giving the same back to all of you. may this new year truly be a happy one for all of us.

trying to explain depression

so i battle depression. and by battle i mean full on gladiator style battle some days. a dohyo face off with the world’s biggest sumo wrestler. most people kinda get it- they’ve had bad days or been sad about something. some have no clue and like to mock depression as stupid/weak/imaginary. until recently i’ve never really thought of a way to fully explain it. explain what it feels, like, how real it is, anything in a way that makes sense. i think this explains it. for me anyway:
remember when you were a kid and your big brother thought it would be funny to hold you under a huge thick blanket and keep you there as long as he could? yeah…it’s like that. like being trapped under grandma’s giant afghan (and yes, i very specifically picked an afghan) until you screamed uncle. and even then most times my brother still wouldn’t let me up. it’s like that. an afghan: it’s huge and heavy and dark but there are always little places where light pokes through and sometimes you can find an edge to pull back. depression is like that. you’re trapped under this huge, heavy, dark blanket fighting like hell to find an edge or a way to get out but in the mean time every once in a while you can see little spots of light that give you a little hope and let you know that at least you’re not stuck under the blanket AND locked in the trunk of the car AND on the way to be encased in cement (if my brother could have thought of it…he would have).
and i get that depression is so different for everyone. the things they’re dealing with are different. the way they experience it and how much it impacts them is different. but for me, people can’t understand my depression. yes, i’m depressed, i’m stuck under this huge fucking blanket being smothered and fighting like hell to try to get out, but during the fight there’s these spots of light. those are moments of happiness, breaks in the clouds.

just because i’m depressed doesn’t mean i don’t have good moments and just because i have good moments doesn’t mean i’m not depressed.

even in the worst of it i will still try to crack a joke or enjoy a moment or sing along with a song. i still try to put on my happy face (which i suck at by the way). i’m sure everyone knows something is off. i know i’m not fooling anyone, i know i’m not good at hiding shit, and part of me thinks i shouldn’t have to, but at the same time they don’t know how deep it is. but there’s these holes in the afghan…i’m peeking out through those, reminding myself what’s on the outside and what i’m fighting to get back to. little glimpses of light and life. if i do have a few good moments, it doesn’t mean i’m “cured” it just means i had a moment where i saw a little light. i’m still stuck. i’m still trapped under that huge fucking weight with the universe sitting on my chest laughing and not letting me up. but then there’s times when you actually feel like you’re winning the battle…you manage to find an edge and peek out and get a breath and feel like yourself again, but then big brother notices and ducks you back under the blanket for another round and usually packs an extra punch just because. those are the most frustrating. you think you’re clear, you think you’re out…then just as suddenly, you’re not. i don’t know if it ever goes away. when i was a kid my brother would get bored or get in trouble and have to let me out…i’m not sure real depression plays by those rules. in fact, i’m pretty damn sure it doesn’t play by any rules.

and i’ve had doctors and people tell me that there are medications to help. and i’ve tried a few. and i will never try any again. they make the crazy worse (again, just me speaking). they say right on the package it will take MONTHS, yes MONTHS to adjust to them and know if they’re working and then MONTHS to wean yourself off of them if you ever want to stop. umm…no thanks. i still have to function in the mean time. i don’t exactly have a few months away from kids and life to try to adjust to some medication that may or may not work. they also say exercise is the answer- is there anything exercise ISN’T the answer to? fucking retards. i’m sure it works at some point. it gives you something to focus on and i’m sure it helps you feel better physically eventually (although everyone that i know that works out complains about always being sore…sooo…). and i’m sure whatever else goes with it is magical shit on a cloud, but i just can’t get into it. never have. i’m one of those people that has spent THOUSANDS on exercise equipment and videos and trying to get into it- i’ve had the gazelle, the elliptical, the videos, the exercise balls, the yoga mats…i just can’t get into it.

what’s the point of this? what am i really trying to say? i don’t know. i just want to say it’s real. and i’m fighting it. but i get tired. and i get worse. and i get better. it goes around and around. but it’s real. it’s very real. please don’t tell me on the days when i want to give up that i’m just being weak and stupid. please understand that i’ve been battling this for as long as i can remember and i get tired. i get exhausted. please don’t laugh at me or think it’s all fake just because i have a good moment or a good day or a good week. some days i’m stronger than others. some days a kindergartner hopped up on pixie sticks could kick my ass. it’s just been so frustrating listening to people say that my brother was weak and cowardly and gave up or couldn’t deal when he took his own life. i don’t see it that way. i think because i’ve fought the battles he fought. i’m still fucking fighting them. and if anything, his death has scared the fucking shit out of me because if he lost the fight…who’s to say i won’t? and i know it’s a personal choice and it’s a personal decision to continue on or not. but i understand why he chose not. i understand how tired and hurt and broken he felt. and more than once i’ve wanted to make the same choice. and more than once i’ve felt that it was too much and wanted a way out.
i guess i just want people to understand it better. understand me better. that’s all.

reason #402 i should not own a pet

so. we got a brand new baby kitty last night. she's cute. we named her roo. and immediately thereafter, the other adult and i in the house (yeah...that's a whole other blog in itself) both turned into 17 year old boys in a locker room.

what happens when you bring a new kitty home? that's right, the jokes about the younger, cuter pussy start. and i'm still giggling now. 24 hours later. so completely rude and degrading to women and inappropriate, but hella funny. among them were:

looking for pussy
stroking pussy
sweet little pussy
fishing for pussy (toy on a string...you get the idea)
who got more pussy time
who pussy liked better

i'm pretty sure that should be a question on the adoption form: will you be making inappropriate jokes about your new pet? but hey, at least we waited (mostly) until the kids were in bed to really start in.

that is all.

is it fight LIKE the devil? or fight the devil?

this won’t be funny. i’m sorry, if you were looking for funny, come back in a while. maybe a long while. it may take quite some time to get back to funny.

this year is shit. I’m just going to throw that out there. don’t know too many people who will disagree at this point. it’s been shit for everyone, I’m not some random odd sad exclusive case. it’s been a fucked up shitty munchkin ass sucking year. I’ve yelled at the universe a few times and told it to back the fuck off. it did for a moment. little did I know that moment was just the back swing to a bigger hit. I said before that this year sucked but it hadn’t hit home yet. just around and close by. this one hit home. this one hit the motherfucking core. this one hit dead fucking center in the middle of it all. this one hurt.

on october 23, sometime between 130 and 415 in the afternoon, my little brother ended his life. he was 27. had actually just turned 27 in september. he just…you know…it was too much for him. there was so much going on. and it’s sad to learn, but the demons I’ve been battling forever are the same ones that plagued him. oh how I wish I had known. I don’t know if there’s comfort or more misery in knowing someone shares the same battles you do. you hurt for them because you know the pain, but at the same time you hurt less because you can share the pain. I don’t know what being a survivor of suicide is supposed to be like- i was given a few handouts that I read over, and it sounds like I’m not doing it right. but I don’t know if there is a right in this situation. I’m not angry. I don’t have any unanswered question. I don’t think it was selfish. I don’t think it was stupid. I don’t think it was some fucking mental illness or problem. he was just hurting. a broken spirit. I get it. from beginning to end, I get it. does it make it any easier? fuck no. do I wish he had found another path? hell yes. but do I get it? damn straight I do. I understand. I can see the path he walked. I can think the thoughts I’m sure he thought. because I’ve been there. I’ve been in that dark corner staring down that same fucking demon. I’ll never know for sure, but I think I can see. and it hurts. because I’ve felt the same things. I’ve written the same things he wrote in his goodbye letter. and that scares me. if we’ve had the same thoughts and walked the same path. and he lost the battle…what does that mean for me? I don’t want to lose this battle. but I can see how easily it can be lost. he wrote in his letter that he was broken and didn’t want to be fixed. I know that feeling. holy fucking pain and darkness do I know that feeling. and your soul hurts. and you feel so broken. and you don’t want to bother people trying to fix you because you don’t feel you can be fixed. and you feel like you’re wasting their time and your time. and you feel like such a burden. and you don’t want everyone worrying about you or stressing about you. but they do, mostly because they don’t understand and just want to make it go away. but those feelings can’t just go away. and there’s those people telling you to just get over it- like it’s a choice you’re making to feel that way and if you would just snap out of it- like it’s your own fault and your own decision to be stuck in that dark endless cave. yes, it’s so enjoyable, I chose to be there. fuck off. obviously spoken from someone who has never been there and desperately clawed to fight their way out only to end up deeper than they started. and then you feel like even more of a failure because you’re letting them down…and the spiral continues. it’s evil. it’s dark. and it gets a hold of you in ways that can’t be explained. and I think he was like me…you put on this face and people may know you’re having a bad day but they have no idea how fucking bad it really is. I’m not good at playing my cards close. I have a feeling and you can see it on my face. steve was a better card player than me. he held it close. obviously no one knew how deep this went for him.
but even though I get it, even though I understand the choice, it doesn’t make it any easier. and the strangest things are so hard for me right now. I’m so jealous and angry at his friends. growing up steve and I had basically no relationship. I would go to our dad’s house for two weeks during the summer, the occasional spring break, very few holidays or any other event (if any…can’t actually remember any other times I went there). into our adult lives I wasn’t there…he lived with my oldest brother for a while and I went to see them once. I wasn’t there when he joined the army. I got to welcome him home from the war later though. I wasn’t there when he graduated dive school. I wasn’t there for holidays. for the first time I was able to see where he lived over in seattle, the beach that he loved, his home, but it was only after his death to clean out his things. I see his friends, his family, they have all these memories and steve stories. and I don’t. and I’m jealous. I’m angry for the stolen years when we were kids. I’m angry at myself for not making it over to see him. I’m angry at my older brother for living closer and being able to go to all the football games and baseball games and lunches and events. I’m angry at his friends that got to see him and know him and love him. I’m jealous of all their memories. all their remembrances. all their pictures and stories and things to look back on. I see theses scraps and remnants and I connect to them in a way I can’t explain. but I wasn’t there for any of them. I don’t know what made him laugh in those pictures. I don’t know what was behind the rooster head or hugging the giant gumball machine or the skydiving adventure. and I’ll never know.
but now there’s this gigantic battle in my head. I see how much he loved life when he loved it. I see how happy he was when he was happy. and I want to be that way. he was a drifter, a wandering spirit, and I envy that. I’ve been so locked down with responsibility for so long. I envy being able to change jobs and move and spend days on the beach or out with friends or creating art work. I wish I could be that way. I wish I could leave this job and do something that I love, not just something that pays the bills. I wish I had the courage to just be myself all the time and do what I loved and not try to be what I’m expected to be or what my family is comfortable with me being. was he some kind of saint? no. was he perfect? no. I’m not trying to make him into some glowing being. he was in trouble, he was drifting, he had to be bailed out now and again. he rarely finished what he started. he didn’t always make the best decisions. but isn’t that what life is about? trying things out and finding what fits you? I envy that he was able to do that. I crave being able to do that.
and while I’m calling out demons…you have to call them all out. you have to face them all, or you can’t deal with them. so I’m going there. I’m going to say it, and I know before I say it how fucked up it is. I get it. but I have to say it because it’s rolling around in my head and I have to face it: I’m jealous that he got out. I’m jealous that he doesn’t have to fight any more. I’m jealous that he could go and not feel stuck here for someone or something. and YES…I know how fucked up that thought is. a big part of that is that I know the not being able to be fixed feeling. and that’s a lot to carry around. and he doesn’t have to worry about being fixed any more. he doesn’t have to be the broken one walking around letting his family down.
wow. that was hard to say. it’s hard to express how long that last paragraph took to type…just know this…two hours. yes. that small paragraph took two hours to write. but I said it. once you say it, it isn’t so scary. and it’s not as threatening. you can read it and see how fucked up it is and it makes everything less…whatever…
so. that’s where I’m at right now kids. I’m sorry if it’s sketchy and jumpy and doesn’t make sense. it doesn’t make sense to me either. I just had to get it out.

shhh....

well, after the insanity that was this summer, things have been oddly quiet. it's been nice. very nice. not much has happened at all. oh shit. now i'm terrified...something will happen and i'll have to kick my own ass for jinxing it which is hard to do because i'm not really that flexible, so kicking my own ass takes a TON of work. ah shit.
anyway. not much going on. kids are in school, i go to work, we come home, have dinner, watch some boring crap on tv and call it a day.
there's been a few odd stories here and there...i need to start writing them down when they happen so i can share with all...wait...do i even have any readers? hmmm....
if there are any of you, i promise i'll come up with something interesting soon to spew on here. i know you're missing your usual dose of crazy...
for now...enjoy the new picture of my new boots. it's pretty. and hot. it's pretty hot.

what did you do for summer vacation?

well, since the kids are probably doing one of these right now, suppose i’d better do one too. especially since i’ve been terrible about keeping up on blogs lately...and there’s been A LOT to keep up on.

so. what did i do this summer?

well, If you’ve been following along on facebook or twitter, you’ll know that the past few months have been rough. well...rough is putting it kindly. while i haven’t suffered any direct blows, the gusts from passing hurricanes have been enough to knock me well off course and leave me questioning many things.

back in may 1/2our child support disappeared which didn’t seem too bad at first...but then i started looking at the numbers and back to school, babysitting, winter bills...it made sense to move instead of staying where we were. it was either stay and be to the penny or move and have a little wiggle room. i decided being stressed out all the time didn’t sound so fun. what’s that you say? didn’t we JUST move? why yes, yes we did. in fact a few odds and end boxes were still packed. SO...june was filled with trying to figure out what to do, where to go, downsizing, deciding what to keep and what we could part with. it’s gotten easier over the years thankfully. one good thing about moving so often (tally is officially 11 times in 11 years now) is that you learn not to be a pack rat: you learn not to be attached to anything...which is good and bad. i laugh at people that say they’ve been hanging on to clothes for 10 years hoping they’ll fit into them...oh hell no! that would mean i’ve moved clothes i haven’t worn in years multiple times! screw that! needless to say, value village received a hefty donation from us. AGAIN. there were also many adds placed on craigslist to help pare down AGAIN.

so...july comes around, we have oldest spawn’s birthday (can you believe i have an 11 year old?? UGH.). we find a place to move into, and, we have a week off from babysitting. what do you do when there’s a week of no babysitter but no time off work? you find a back up. i decided to let my mum have the boys for a week which was NOT an easy decision for me. at all. and i’m still kicking myself for it. BUT...having both boys out of the house made it MUCH easier for me to pack and get things ready for the move. so...boys left for the week, i started packing, then the biggest blow of the summer hit. on july 27th i had a phone call from oldest spawns dad that: brace yourselves: his wife and infant son had died. i’m sorry...WHAT?! that doesn’t happen anymore! but i guess it does. she was 27, full term pregnancy, just...gone. both of them. for some reason she stopped breathing and by the time they were able to get baby out he had been without oxygen too long so he lost both of them. WHAT? no. they were a young, happy, healthy couple. this doesn’t happen to people. this is FUCKED UP. no. this is not what happens. she pops out baby, they have a happy little cul-de-sac life and go about their business...spawn becomes a big brother again...it all goes on as planned. THIS IS NOT THE PLAN. which, if i’m thinking that on the far edges of this, i can’t imagine what was happening at the epicenter. so. i have to get a hold of my mum, let her know what’s going on, let her know that son will be getting picked up so his dad can tell him the news. WOW. that was on a monday, so the rest of the week was spend juggling work, packing, moving, large spawn going to/from dad’s house, viewing, funeral, trying to maintain some kind of normalcy. that was a helluva week. a long week. in the middle of it, my cute neighbors from the last house call and let me know they’ve had their baby...nice and healthy, things are going great...so hard to hear in the middle of everything else. so. we’re moving. both landlords (new and old) are being difficult, there’s a funeral- it’s crazy. the two days i did the actually moving were BOTH record breaking days on the heat scale which SUCKED. i’ve always moved in the winter time which i have to say i would do a million times over before moving in the summer time again. SUCK. things are crazy, we’re between two houses, trying to get everything done...and of course that’s not enough to balance. my dad came to town for my company picnic which was the saturday i was moving. hoped to be done in time so we could all go, but that wasn’t working out, so i was hoping he’d be able to take youngest spawn while oldest spawn was at the funeral and i was finishing up moving. turns out my mum decided to take my youngest son to the funeral WITHOUT ASKING for no reason AND let him do a viewing of the casket containing not only the oldest spawns step mother but also the infant baby. now i’ve never personally done a viewing, but i know they’re hard when it’s an adult. they’re crazy hard when there’s a child or a baby. most adults can’t handle it. and here she is taking my six year old through the line to see. WHAT THE FUCK? and i’m sitting at home trying to call her because she was supposed to be dropping off small son for the company picnic and for FOUR HOURS i couldn’t reach her. which when you combine her and my small spawn and being out of reach, previous circumstances, moving stress...you can only guess how crazy that made me. add in the insane heat and zero sleep and exhaustion from moving heavy things (really, i need foam furniture). i was losing my mind by the end of the day. it was NOT good. i was a freaking mess. those of you whom have been unfortunate enough to see e go crazy...multiply that by about 5. thankfully the small child came home, the moving was finished, it was time for a breather...right? yeah, not so much. the next week was spent unpacking, cleaning the new place (seems they forgot to get that done before i moved in), trying to patch things together for oldest son before he left on a road trip with his dad (they decided they both needed time together to help each other get over the atom bomb that had been dropped on them). it wasgoing rough, but not horrible compared to the previous week. but, it was to the point where i actually laughed on wednesday night and said: “it can’t get much worse. what the hell can thursday throw at me that hasn’t already hit?” i was joking. i was being factious. apparently thursday did not get the message. first thing thursday morning (8/6) i get a phone call that my younger brother had an accident earlier in the week and is in a medically induced coma in seattle. turns out he had an accident on his bike(pedal bike), the chain broke, he went ass over teakettle and fractured his skull requiring 4 hours of neurosurgery to relieve the bleeding putting pressure on his brain. he’s fine now (well, recovering anyway...not just “fine” after something like that..but survived in once piece). but holy shit! at this point i lost my temper with the universe a little bit and not so politely asked it to “back the fuck off and give me a little breathing room” (don’t believe me? check my twitter around that time...i actually ended up cursing out the universe a few times that week). happy to report, the universe has been very compliant and has backed off. things are going well now...cross your fingers and hope i didn’t jinx myself again!!

BUT...little brother is in the hospital, my car decided to pick this time for the pcv pipe to fail which, if you don’t know, that part controls the vacuum on your car. it turns out that’s slightly important- the vacuum helps the engine run, helps the brakes run, basically makes your car go and stop. without a pcv pipe it’s pretty damn hard to do either. so i can’t exactly jet over to seattle to see my brother...i’m just waiting for phone call updates and news...just a bit stressful. good news is it all turned out okay. car has since been fixed, little brother has since been released from the hospital, universe, as i stated has in fact backed off a bit (okay, a LOT...thank you universe!). things have calmed back down- for me anyway. but plenty of friends are still getting hit pretty damn hard. it’s been a shitty summer all the way around it seems.

so, what does it look like after the dust settles? well, oldest son is doing well for such a HUGE loss this young. we have good days and bad days. i’m trying to give him room but not let him get away with everything. it’s a fine line to walk and there’s not really many user guides on how to deal with shit like this. but he’s back to school now and that’s helping too. youngest son had a good summer all counted. time at the lake, learned to swim, nothing really big in his world besides the move. on the plus side, SINCE the move he had been staying dry at night and not needing diapers which has been a HUGE battle for us...so yea! me...well, i’m still crazy. but doing okay. it’s been a lot. it’s been a hard summer. the good news is that the state is actually working on my child support case so one way or another something will happen. we have an AMAZING new house how (triplex) that has such an amazing vibe to it. the new neighborhood is amazing, we have great people, great friends around us for the first time since moving to town two years ago (instead of being stuck in “the ghetto” part of town with everyone all spread out). i’ve had more people over and more get together’s/bbq’s at the new house in the month since we moved than i’ve had in the two years since we moved to spokane. I LOVE IT. it’s so great i can’t even say. we’re back into a small two bedroom apartment which i honestly LOVE more than the houses we’ve been in. never thought i’d go back to an apartment, but it’s so nice having everything close, only rooms that we use (both of the houses had rooms we never stepped foot into). the budget is better now so we can breathe and i won’t be so stressed out all the time (well, about that part of life anyway!). when all’s said and done, it’s so much better now. there’s still shit going on, it’s by no means fairy tales and rainbows now, but it’s closer now than it’s been in a LONG time.

this is surprisingly a really readers digest version of the summer. there was much more emotion, craziness, overall white coat inducing insanity than could ever be communicated. it seemed for a few weeks there that universe was honestly seeing how far it could push before i checked into a ward...wanted to write at those times but it was too much. it’s better now with a little time- a little perspective. i’m still working through most of it in my head- giant issues like: why did it work out when spawns dad and i got knocked up and did it all backwards but went to shit when he planned and prepared and did it the right way? how do you explain death to an 11 year old? how do you explain why his baby brother never had a chance to breathe? how do you explain to ANYONE why that happened? how do you deal with family when one side never stops letting you down and the other side never stops yelling at you for not trusting the side that lets you down? what happens when you see the world falling apart for everyone around you and you realize that a) you have no one close enough that would be that devastating to lose, and that b) you have no one to help you that through all the shit? how do you deal with the feeling of jealousy over someone that just lost their spouse because at least they had someone they loved and were that close to? what do you do when you realize you’ve become so bitter and jaded that it’s hard to imagine being any other way?

well. this just took a turn for the dark. welcome to my head. i keep trying to block those things out because i just honestly can’t face them or deal with them right now but they’re obviously still kicking around in there.

time to distract: SO. that was my summer “vacation”. it’s actually nice to have everyone back to school, have a routine again, a bedtime, a schedule. i’m sure there will be adjustments along the way- oldest spawn will actually be challenged and have homework and hard projects for the first time. he’ll also be around peers that are ALL like him now so it won’t be as easy for him to play king of the world...might do him a bit of good! youngest spawn is doing great so far in first grade...good teacher, excited to be learning. this year’s first day of school went a MILLION times better than the first day last year (if you don’t remember that blog...well, it’s been a year and i still can’t think of it without way too many bad words popping in my head!). this weekend they get to run away and visit the grandparents for a few days and do their final back to school shopping (read: coerce grandparents into spoiling them rotten). anyway. good vibe. good house. good kids. things are good right now. crossing my fingers and hoping it lasts for a while!

odd twitters explained:

so, in case you were wondering, here’s the story behind yesterday’s tweets:

super guilt: someone at the gas pump before me had prepaid but forgotten to fill up. pumped my gas and went to pay but didnt owe.

to whomever prepaid for gas at pump 2 in ritzville but forgot to fill up: i owe you $40!

SERIOUSLY?? found the people from the gas mix up and paid them back. AWESOME!

so, yesterday i was driving home from zillah with the boys and we had to stop at ritzville for gas (coasted into ritzville for gas...cut that one close!). pulled up to the pump, got out, opened the gas cap, took out the pump, selected my grade, filled up, all seemed normal. went inside to get some drinks and pay...still seemed normal...til i got to the register and my chevron card is NO WHERE. not in my pocket, not in my purse, not in my wallet. so there i stand like an idiot...and i ask the gal if she can hold the purchase for just a second while i check my car...run out, tear through the car, NOTHING, no card...S.O.L. i get back inside and she's all confused because there's a guy asking for his change from pump 2 (which is the pump i'm on). she's all confused, i'm all confused...change? i haven't even paid yet...what the hell? he says he prepaid for pump 2 but didn't fill up and he wants his money back...but when i went to fill up there was nothing on the pump...WHAT THE HELL? she gives him about $6 in change then goes to ring mine up AGAIN and asks how much i want on pump 2..umm...i already filled up. oh, well then you took that guys prepaid gas. SHIT. so i look out the window and he's already pulling out of the station, so i finish paying for the drinks and whatever (thankfully i had cash since i STILL couldn't find my card) and try to get out to catch him, but he's GONE...was going to offer to pay for his gas since he paid for mine. but it's ritzville, i have no idea if the guy lives there or if he's passing through like me...and he's GONE. now what? i feel guilty for taking some guys gas...it isn't cheap, and if he's like me, he can't afford to just write off forty bucks...SHIT...now what? not much i can do at this point. ugh. GUILT.

so i get back on the road headed back to spokane, cruising along...right about springdale i recognize a car a few ahead of me...silver and black rodeo type rig...NO WAY...it can't be them. so i pull up next to the rig, but don't recognize the driver....but the passenger looks familiar...NO WAY. of all the directions you can head out of ritzville, PLUS maybe living there or in one of the nearby towns...here's the car i owe money to on I90 on the way back to spokane...NO WAY. so, i try to get their attention, but it's not working. we get into spokane and i see they're taking the maple street exit...so i take the exit too...and while we're stopped at the light at the bottom of the exit i jump out of my car (in my son's sandals because i couldn't put my shoes on that quick) and pop back to their car and ask them if they just filled up at ritzville...or tried to anyway. they're looking at me like the crazy person that i am...i tell them i was the one at the pump that ended up with their gas and have $40 for them...we pull over in a parking lot nearby, they hand me the change the clerk had given them and i hand them the $40 bucks they probably thought they would never see again and on our way we went.

HOW RANDOM! of all the directions they could have headed...the speed factor of me catching up to them (not even kidding, this is one of the rare times i wasn't even speeding and i caught up to them!), all the exits they could have taken, rest stops they could have turned off at, everything...and i caught up with them and recognized their rig from a 2 second glimpse out the gas station window...

AWESOME. felt so good to get them their money back! and it was a good lesson for my kids too...even if it makes you seems like a crazy person, always do the right thing! even after i did recognize their rig i could have driven right past and they probably would have never know the difference. but ALWAYS do the right thing. it feels good. nothing can beat that feeling. the random greatness of the universe giving you a chance to make it right and DOING IT. it was a pretty awesome moment at the end of a great weekend.

so there you have it. the odd, random twitters explained.

i am not afraid

i'm still afraid. that's not entirely true. i'm still terrified. to the point of shaking and feeling sick to my stomach when i think about it. to the point where it derails my day, i become focused and my already high-gear mind goes into super overdrive. i instantly want to hide, to cry. i feel instantly defenseless, weak, stupid, small, insignificant. it's been five years. FIVE YEARS and i still feel this way. after not even two years. it took me about 2 hours to decide to send an email today, and then when a response came in i was instantly sick and almost started crying.

who is this person? who is this weak, scared girl? where is the super woman that isn't afraid of anyone? where's the person that chews out teachers when they insult my kids? where's the woman that calls people on their crap and doesn't take shit from anyone? where is the super mom that can handle anything on any day (as long as there's mascara and chapstick in the utility belt)? where is the woman that doesn't walk anywhere...she struts...hell, POWER STRUTS.

for the people that say domestic violence is only the type that leaves physical bruises...BULLSHIT. there are things worse than bruises. way worse. fuck...i would rather deal with a bruise any day of the week than this.

i suppose an explanation would be helpful about now: child support stopped coming in a few weeks ago for smaller child. this means that ex has either a) moved again, b) lost his job, or c) both. myspace has been great for tracking him in the past...it's how i found out he moved to arizona last year, and found out where he was working and was able to get support started again after the same thing happened last august. well, myspace isn't giving up any information this go round...EXCEPT for the new "whole family" picture he posted with new wife and new kids. i was about 10% offended for my son that he isn't part of "the whole family" but 90% relieved that he isn't part of that "whole family" and is 100% a part of my whole family instead. so, in search of more information, i checked to see if he had a facebook page started, and sure enough he does...and he's listed as living in spokane now. it seriously took me several hours to decide to email him because that means he can find me (yes, i know he could have found me anyway, but i don't like to think of that). and i'm still so terrified of him...i'm terrified of what his response will be. i'm terrified that he'll want to see my son (which would be the most horrible thing ever). i'm terrified that he'll start yelling and screaming at me again reducing me to the sad, ever apologizing, half of a person that i was 5 years ago when i was married. and the sad, defenseless person i was two years ago when i had to face him in court for a child support revision. i'm still terrified of him.

and i'm still terrified of who i was when i was with him. and i'm terrified of becoming that person again with anyone else...which is the main reason why there hasn't been anyone else. i don't get close to people. i try like hell not to care about or get attached to people (guys) because in my twisted mind they're all like him. and in my twisted mind if they're all like him, then i'll become like her again. that sad girl who was afraid to use the phone. the girl who wouldn't leave the house without makeup because he would be mad. the girl who could only wear certain clothes or talk to certain people. the girl who was scared to make dinner because if he didn't like it there would be hell to pay (and a never touched tater tot casserole in the fridge for a month). i don't want to be the girl who won't eat pineapple again. the girl who waited by the phone all night because if i missed any of his calls from work i would be in trouble. i don't want to be the girl that spent $30,000 on things to try to keep him happy and only realized too late that there would never ever be enough things to accomplish that.

five years and i still haven't figured out how NOT to be terrified. i've moved on for the most part. i'm back to who i was before any of that happened. i'm a strong, independent, successful, amazing person...until i have to deal with the past. a huge part of me wants to just say FUCK YOU ASSHOLE, knock his lights out and be over it. maybe that's it. maybe i've never had a chance to show him the strong person i am and let him know he can't bully me any more...mostly because any time i have to be near him i panic (ok...that's not fair...the only time i've seen him was in court which was stressful and panic inducing, not necessarily because of him...). maybe that's it. i know i'm not that person any more. and i can't be that person ever again. and i just have to be me. all the time. he can't hurt me ever again. he can't hurt my family. i can't be scared of him. there's nothing to be scared of. he's just a sad bully. he has to make other people feel weak and small because he knows he's weak and small.

i will not be afraid. i will not be bullied. i am not scared. FUCK YOU ASSHOLE.

i'm a mama bear

so. yesterday my older son had a symposium at school. each student picked out an historical person, researched them, designed a web page with the information, and had to put together a costume and "be" that person (answer questions) at the symposium. it was a LOT of work, and son picked Hokusai (Japanese artist) who is his FAVORITE person to date and the person he most wants to be like when he grows up (he's getting really good at his art).

SO. symposium from 4-630. on a thursday. he really wanted me AND his dad to go. dad had a doctor apt with new wife for new baby at 230...they'd try to make it (even my longest dr apt didn't last 4 hours). so. i go. i'm freaked out because i don't do well with large groups of strangers, especially when most of them are dressed up in some of the most random (and freaky looking) costumes you've ever seen shoved in one tiny school room (picture HALF of a standard middle school gym). it was great, he was excited to show off his costume, show me his web page (he searched for and loaded over 20 pictures on to his page plus information). and guess what...dad was a no-show. sad.

so. after it's all said and done, son says he's mad at dad. i can understand that. he's 10. this was a big deal for him. disappointment sucks. he asked if he could send his dad a text to tell him he was upset. sure. i'm a believer that kids are fully allowed to have and express their emotions. i may not always agree with his emotions or be happy about the way he chooses to express them, but he's entitled to them. the following is the text conversation with dad:

son: i am mad at you for not coming. it was really inportant to me ]:

dad: you are not the only member of this family

son: neither are you

dad: when you are ready to talk about this, i am

son: it was INPORTANT!!!!!!!!

dad: your mom can make arrangements to drop you off with my parents if you are going to act like this. i though you could be more mature than this.

dad: it's spelled important

wow. okay. the mama bear is so coming out in me. what you also missed is that between the last important from son and the rant from dad there was a LONG phone call with son in tears the instant the phone started ringing. to sum up dad said that if he missed the baby appointment he would be in the dark (because wife couldn't tell him about it afterwords???) and it was more important than some school thing (yes, some school thing). he went on to tell son he was acting immature and childish. umm...i'm sorry...HE'S TEN. he's allowed to be a little childish at times because...wait for it....HE IS A CHILD. you asshat. as to acting immature...who's the one arguing with a ten year old about how to spell important?? and refusing to drive him to meet the grandparents NEXT weekend because he's mad?? talk about a hissy fit! sheesh! i mean REALLY?? this was IMPORTANT to son. i get that the baby is important too, i get that it's a hard call to make, but i'm sure the appointment didn't last the WHOLE time of the symposium (it was probably over before the symposium started) and even if it did, HE'S not the prego one, he could have left and been filled in later. even if it was an ultrasound (which it wasn't, just a regular apt) they would have filmed it and he could have watched the dvd later. i mean COME ON. the sad thing is that this is just a sign of what's to come when the baby gets here. it's what i've been afraid of since they said the stick turned pink. son is already getting shoved off to the side and told he's not as important as new baby. and i get that it's their first. they're building their own new little family. but you already have another son...i get that he's not BOTH of theirs, but he's already here and he IS important. and this was a big deal to him. he's been working on it for months.

and a REALLY BIG part of me wants to call dad and rip into him a little bit. but it won't do any good. phone call would go like this:

me: you were very inappropriate with your son last night.

him: you don't know everything. call me when you're ready to have an adult conversation. *HANG UP*

(yes, he's pulled that on me several times already followed by months of refusing to talk to me and telling son what a bitch i am...yes, he calls me a bitch to our son)

so. for now i'm supporting son. he cried quite a bit last night. it was HEART BREAKING. and i told him that it was fine that he was upset and i was proud of him for telling his dad that he was upset (usually he's too scared to say anything...i understand why). he said he wanted to talk to the counselor at school today and i said that would probably be a good idea. and we'll order a pizza and do a gilmore girls marathon this weekend (i'm not ashamed to say my son is addicted to gilmore girls like me...he likes kirk). we'll make funny faces at each other and i'll make him clean his room then he'll be mad at me too. this too shall pass. at least i'm not the most hated one this week! YES!

random prego bunnies with ice picks

so many inconsequential things to say, so little time. okay. first. i was walking across the street the other day on my way back to work after lunch and this very nice pickup truck pulled up to the intersection. now, i know i look good, you know i look good, but he in the truck was just discovering how good i look. and it must have been quite startling because it forced him to almost immediately begin to scratch his brain. yes, that's right. while mildly interesting gentleman in the hot truck was checking me out (very obviously) he proceeded to insert finger up nose to fourth knuckle (that's all the way in if you weren't aware) and scratch his brain at the amazingness that was me. how flattering. i laughed. i'm still laughing. it amazes me what people do. no, that's not true, i've ceased being amazed. but it's still fucking hilarious. he was in the cone of invisibility that is our own personal vehicle (even though his windows were all down, thus shattering the invisible barrier, some people forget that). he could see me, but i couldn't see him. it was lovely. i'll cherish that moment for ever. F.O.R.E.V.E.R.

second. i am a jealous person. i am just learning to admit this. and yes, it's a complete and total jealousy based on insecurity and greed. it's things i wish i could be, things i want to have, a way of life that i want to reach. that's all jealousy is at the root really, wanting what you don't have or protecting what you're scared you're going to lose. i never really thought i was a jealous person. and i guess i'm only half of the normal jealous picture you see of females. i get horribly jealous but i won't act on it, i won't say anything (usually), i won't boil a baby rabbit or come after you with an ice pick. but it's there. almost all the time. because i hear, and i see, and i know. i know that the guy that's been tolerating me for the last two years still prefers the itty bitty little girls. i know he still drools over his ex's (and satisfies them as they see fit to drop by). i'm jealous that he attracts women like no ones business and i rarely get any attention. i'm jealous of the couples that i see that are happy together (even though i would probably go insane if that was me). i'm jealous of all the people that have someone to call and talk to when they have a bad day. i'm jealous of all the people that have someone to curl up and watch a movie with. i'm jealous of the people who have kids that are out of diapers. i'm jealous of people that have help handling mouthy teen-wannabe's. i'm jealous of people that can just live their lives and not have to worry about money every minute (even if they're just pretending). i'm jealous of the people that LOVE their jobs and really feel like they're making a difference (not just shuffling papers back and forth). it's all irrational. it's all things that will come in time or i just need to get off my ass and work towards. they're silly, nonsensical things that are a waste of energy to worry about. but it's there. and i'm owning it. not sure what good it will do me, but i'm owning my jealousy. it's there. i'd rather admit that than fight it forever.

*big sigh* okay. next. i've decided i would be a great surrogate. the friend that i recently wrote about passing- his best friend is (was?) a gay gentleman that has been desperately looking for a surrogate to have a child for he and his partner. why not? i was good at being prego. had super fat and healthy babies, no big worries during the pregnancies, the deliveries were both horrible, but that's just one day. and honestly, how much fun would it be to have people as questions about the baby and be able so say "oh, it's not mine..." i think it would be a freaking riot to see people's faces. they're looking at you...ummm...you're pregnant, what do you mean it isn't yours?? i would crack up every time. like when phoebe was prego on friends and got to tell people they were her brother's babies...freaking fun! hell yes! sign me up! plus, i was super healthy when i was prego. great hair, great skin, really healthy...i'll sign up for that! so. me + prego = great jokes and fat babies. it's an all around win.

moving on. how many of you believe in strange things that happen? okay, guess i could be a little more specific- the tattoo on my calf. it is loaded with personal meaning for me, the most important part is the pink butterfly that is for the gal here at work battling breast cancer. well, she's started coughing again which is NOT a good sign, it means her cancer is back again. well, ever since she started coughing again, my butterfly has been itching off and on. just the butterfly, not the rest of the tatt. just that one part. how odd is that? i think it's really odd. and it's just the left wing...i wonder if her cancer is worse in one lung than the other (that's where's it's spread to finally...started out 20 years ago as breast cancer). and today, i had a cold spot in the middle of the back of my right hand. it felt like a cold drop of water was on it and i kept trying to wipe it off but there was nothing there. there IS a small virtually invisible spot that i can see exactly around where the cold spot is...no bug bite, no marks, but i can see a circle of skin that doesn't match. i wonder what the hell that has to do with anything. if i find out one of my kids hurt their hands today i will freak out. that always happened to us growing up. well, not so much us as my brother. every time he got in trouble my mum would get little itty bitty water blisters all over her fingers so he was basically busted before he ever got home.

okay. one final thing for today: every time i hear "stimulus package" it makes me giggle. yes, i do have the ability to make anything dirty. it's great.

so. in summary: brain scratching, ice picks and bunnies, prego joke, "stimulus package" *giggle* dirty.

look! it's a sharp tooth!

so. i have to write a blog today. i probably don't have the time to, but i have so much stuff in my head that i need to get it all out.

first up: gummy worms. have you opened a package lately? holy. sugar. rush. the smell alone is enough to send most people into a diabetic coma. then there's the actual partaking of said worm like food. who thought it was a good idea to shape a candy like a worm in the first place? it's fascinating to me. i remember growing up they had candy cigarettes too. smart. well done. getting generations of kids addicted to holding cigarette before they can even figure out how to work a lighter for the real ones (hell, i STILL can't work a lighter most of the time). anyway...gummy worms...they are horrible. you know they're horrible. but you still have to eat them if they're there. i don't know what it is. i found a package in the bottom of my purse today (still not sure how it got there...i think it's a leftover of the dinosaur show...more on that later). so, i found this package...and you HAVE to eat them if you find them. you HAVE to. so i cut the package open...good christmas. SUGAR. but they are "made with real fruit juice" so there you have it. they're perfectly healthy. one of my coworkers had one (because you have to if they're around) and made the comment that they're not the consistency of anything anyone should actually eat. i laughed because it's true. they're like jello after it's been left out and has that hard little edge on it. you shouldn't eat that part. but some smart person cut that part off, shaped it like a worm, and made it an attractive snack food. well done sir, whomever you might have been. well done.

ok. second. i know i wrote about the iphone application in my last blog, but i am STILL fascinated by the shaken baby app. i mean really? who was sitting around in a board room or an office trying to think of new applications and though...HEY...there's a lot of rednecks sitting out there wondering what the fastest, most efficient way to shake their girlfriend's baby to death is...we should make an app for THAT. and so they did. i mean REALLY?? yes, i will admit it's morbidly funny, but REALLY? an app? where you shake the phone till the baby's eyes are replaced with a great big X?? i mean COME ON. sure it's funny to do it to your friends simulation baby that they got in home ec class back in high school...you know it's going to screw their grade over BIG TIME, but that's not the same...is it?? okay, so that one is a "real" baby and this is just a phone...but still! is there a world record for fastest shaking time? a certain technique that helps you shake them faster (oh heavens...just had a flash back to the snl sketch with alec baldwin about shaking the wii-mote for whatever game that was). i just can't wrap my head around it. REALLY? with all the news reports lately about child abuse and shaken babies?? and you, oh great iphone, thought it would be good to put out a game that promotes that?? REALLY? i wonder if i can get a copy for my lg phone....hmmm....

so. i got to go see dinosaurs this weekend. like REAL dinosaurs. i know what you're thinking...they're extinct! yeah...that's what you thought! suckers! conspiracy theory! they were real, i swear! went and saw walking with dinosaurs at the yakima sundome this weekend. it's a super cool show put on by bbc that has life size dinosaurs they've created that walk around, attack each other, roar, fly, all of it (one of them even shat on stage after eating a bunch of plants...not kidding). the biggest one was the long neck (can you tell i paid attention and learned the real names?!?!) was 72' from nose to tail...FREAKING HUGE. it was pretty cool. the t-rex came out and fought with some of the other ones after they were picking on the baby t-rex...it really was amazing. all the kids loved it (even my niece who is only a few months old...she was giggling and jumping all over the place!), and the adults were all pretty damn impressed too! never thought i'd be into a dinosaur show. i feel like ross. only without the super greasy hair and obnoxious voice.

so. we got to see my niece and nephew this weekend obviously (thus the note about her giggling and jumping...see how that works?) i've forgotten how stinking cute babies are. first, she's super cool because she wears her hair like me. love her. my own fan already. ok. so she's only 5 months old and it's only like mine because it's all rubbed off in the back but they don't want to cut the long parts in the front...it's still cool! we all stayed the night at my dad's house saturday night (after the dinosaurs) and i heard her wake up in the middle of the night (mommy radar never goes away apparently). after listening to her fuss for about a half hour i figured no one else could hear her, so i went down to check on her...such a dolly. she snuggled right into my shoulder and cried and hiccuped for a while before falling back asleep...so i sat down in one of the rockers with her and we slept in the chair all night. i forgot how sweet baby snuggles like that are. awww...but can i just say i'm glad it was ONE night and i got to catch up on sleep again the next night...ha ha ha...cute for a minute, but i like my sleep! couldn't do it again! she was funny too...she's into the HEY...I HAVE A TONGUE phase...always sticking it out and chewing on it...freaking cracked me up. if you held her you were bound to be licked at some point. or drooled on. or spit up on. my nephew cracks me up to. that kid is funny. they have him on a super short leash when it comes to rules, but it's working for them and he's so stinking cute. my brother had taught him to repeat all sorts of great things...and just recently decided maybe they shouldn't watch "cops" together when my nephew pointed to the screen: "hey look, it's a dead guy!" NICE. well done.at the dino show he was so excited. he's been watching land before time to get ready for it, learning the different types of dinosaurs, all ready to go...and he was so excited to see them. didn't freak him out at all. sharp tooth! be a good memory for him.

on a serious note:

a friend of mine passed away a few weeks ago. it's shaken me quite a bit more than i thought it would. i've lost a few people in life, but nothing that's really hit home like this one. my nana died when i was in my teens. she was an adopted grandmother of sorts. i remember going to her house as a kid...grilled cheese and tomato soup. and she had milk-glass vases and dishes and everything all over her house. a few kids died while i was in high school, but i wasn't particularly close to any of them, it was sad but didn't really bother me. my step-grandmother died two summers ago. unexpected stroke. i guess it should have been more important since she was around more than my actual grandparents, but in all honestly, she was crazy (like drama queen crazy) and i couldn't really stand to be around her for very long.

i don't know why joshua's death is hitting so hard. we met probably close to two years ago...we went out a few times, he cooked me dinner one night (the only guy that's ever done that for me as a date). we would hang out, talk, nothing much, no serious relationship, hell, we never even slept together. he was a great guy though. such a great guy, crazy sense of humor, always laughing and making everyone around him laugh. he moved to arizona a while ago to work in the scrap metal business with his cousin. called me every now and again to chat and catch up. he had just moved back to town in october and called me in february to let me know he was back. we were planning lunch some time but scheduled never quite matched up. we weren't super close. i knew him but didn't know any of his friends or family (besides what i'd heard about them). it took me a few hours to find a phone number to call to find out if he'd really passed away or not (i work with his neighbor and she called me to ask if i knew about anything happening to him). the whole thing is just odd. he was only 38. died of a heart attack they think. it's just odd. you know? i was making plans with him just a few weeks ago, now it will never happen. and i think the thing is missing is that it was such a shock and there's not really anyone to talk to about it. i didn't know his friends, i missed his memorial service this weekend. it's just left out there. and honestly, even if i had been in town i don't know if i could have gone. a room full of strangers with one missing common connection. i did call one of his friends max (the one i finally reached that was able to confirm his death) and left a message to let him know how much joshua loved him. josh and i couldn't have a conversation without a story about max. i could tell how much they cared about each other. the last time we talked joshua was SO EXCITED because max and his partner had just found a surrogate to carry a baby for them. joshua had to have mentioned it at least three times. he was so stoked. and i had to let max know that. but where else to i say it? say how much he meant to me? he was the only guy i knew that names his car...and his couch...and his bed. he's the only person that i've ever know that owned and smoked from a hookah (cherry cola tobacco smelled so good). joshua had a movie script that he'd written a few years ago that he really wanted to publish...and it was a good script too. good storyline. and he laughed...he loved to laugh. and you had to laugh with him. so relaxed and fun to be around. i'll miss his random phone calls. every now and again i'd answer the phone and hear "hi sweetie!" he's the only one that ever called me that...or that i would ever let call me that! he could pull it off. he introduced me to the freaking awesome music of richard cheese. he told stories about traveling all over the world and made me want to jump on a plane. he loved his friends and had a huge group of people around him that he's been close to since he was a little kid...i was always jealous of that. he loved kids. he was a nanny of sorts for his friend with 5 kids and he loved talking about and spending time with those kids. his home was eclectic and comfortable, you felt instantly at home there. he was always coming up with a new idea or a new project. he was going to start a business in spokane called onesource that would be a rival for kinkos but ended up moving to arizona to help out his cousin. the last time i talked to him he was in the process of buying a hot dog stand to open up near gonzaga. a fucking hotdog stand. who does that? it was so crazy and so logical and so joshua. college kids...cheap, easy hot dogs on the way to class...fucking genius. he was always on the go and always full of ideas and projects. he didn't want to be tied down or attached to anyone in particular, something i could completely understand and relate to. he talked about a girlfriend that was living with him helping pay the bills during the transition from arizona back to here, but he couldn't wait to kick her to the curb and have his place all back to himself again (oddly, she introduced herself as his girlfriend the first time she called me to tell me about his death and then introduced herself as his fiancee' the second time she called to let me know...odd...were they really engaged? or did she change it because it sounds better to say fiancee' when you're calling people than "girlfriend"??). he was just so young you know? and i guess he always seemed way too full of life to have it just disappear so suddenly like that. i'll miss him so much. we weren't that close, we didn't spend a ton of time together, but i'll miss him.

ugh.

okay. have to change the topic.

so. i've been reading a book of bizarre facts and stories. one of the things under the music session was an annual festival in tennessee that was for non-musical instruments which i think is a fan-fucking-tastic idea. how much fun would that be? it said they had people that played fire alarm bells, rain tubs, all sorts of things. think of how fun that could be. anything you can make a noise with or tap out a rhythm on. i think it would be a blast to see what people come up with. if you know of anyone having a non-musical instrument jam, let me know, i would totally love to go! also in the bizarre book of facts: everyone has a unique tongue print. i never knew that before. hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia is the fear of long words (huh...nice short name for that fear), geliophobia is the fear of laughter, graphophobia is the fear of writing (maybe i should get checked for this one), scolionophobia is the fear of school (don't let my oldest one know this...he'll totally try to use it), venustraphobia is the fear of beautiful women (many people have been known to tremble in my presence, this explains it.) so. that's enough for one day i think. i want ice cream.

did you buy flowers??

so. some of you may know this, some of you may not. yesterday was in fact secretaries day. and yes, i realize we're not called secretaries any more, it's "administrative professionals day". so, there is one guy here at work that wished me happy AP yesterday...to which i responded "do i LOOK like an iphone to you??" and he laughed and said..."well, they do have an app for everything". (app, AP, ha ha ha...it's a techie joke!)

so, after a moment, i realized, i may be the next one to be phased out by the evil that is technology. it happened years ago in the auto industry, it's happening in voice automated call centers all over the world, and it may be happening in the "administrative professional" pool sooner than we'd like to admit. so. here are five things that the iphone can do that could threaten my job, as well as five things it can't do that will let me keep my job forever: (list style just for @tremendousnews just in case they happen to wander over this direction...i know how they like lists...)

five reasons the iphone may take over my job:

#5 need to print a label? they have an app for that.

#4 need an email sent? they have an app for that.

#3 need tips on how to shake a baby properly? they have an app for that (totally not kidding: http://tech.yahoo.com/news/pcworld/20090423/tc_pcworld/appleapprovestastelessbabyshakeriphonegamethenremovesit)

#2 need to google some information? do a little research? find random pointless facts? they have an app for that.

#1 plus, the iphone looks much better in form fitting/curve hugging leather than i do. sad.

five reason the iphone will NEVER take over my job:

#5 it can't make coffee

#4 it can't refill the printer when it runs out of paper (try to make an app for that bitches!)

#3 it can't refill the candy dish when it runs out (okay, so i haven't been doing that lately..in theory though).

#2 it can't water the plants

#1 the iphone doesn't have a size 40c chest for the men in the department to stare at when they're pretending to ask for information. no app for that one. ever. i'm completely safe.

so. what have we learned? I, ME, MY GLORIOUS SELF am the app for everything really important. and i need to work on fitting into curve hugging leather a little better. suck it iphone. you'll never replace me! so there!

brand identification

so. it's a bright sunny day outside. and i have a little story to tell you. well, it's not so much a story as a game, so lets play a little game, shall we? here's how this works. i was walking back to the building today after lunch and i looked at myself through the imaginary eye of any passerby and i wondered what it was they saw first about me. and then the term "brand identification" popped into my head. there's cliques, there's stereotypes, and then there's brand typing. what kind of brand am i? how many brands am i? so. let's review. what brand i am:

this morning i woke up to my #verizon cell phone alarm clock, as well as my #audiovox alarm clock and my #timex alarm clock (yes, it takes all three to wake me up, and yes, i still over sleep). after successfully ignoring all three alarm clocks, was re-awakened by a tweet from the gadget guy to go watch his morning segment...so i stretched, rolled out of my #tommyhilfiger sheets and staggered out to the couch (all five fet away) i turned on my #magnavox tv and my #comcast cable box switching to gg's morning news show just in time to catch the segment. as soon as that was over, i padded to the bathroom. and somehow managed to get in the shower and not drown long enough for the warm water to wake me up. i used my #garnier shampoo and conditioner (some days it's #nexxus shampoo and conditioner), my #nutrogena wave followed by some #clearpore cleaner to keep my youthful appearance (uh huh), and then my #dove sensitive soap. after a nice long shower, i dried off with my #jcpenny towel and headed back to my room to get dressed for the day. layering up, as all of us do, i started with the unmentionables (yes, i really called them unmentionables #lanebryane for the top, #fruitoftheloom for the bottom, and NO, i won't tell you what color today). today i selected a pair of #vanity jeans (with a #lanebryant belt), an #oldnavy tank, and my favorite #fordcares tee shirt. since it's still a little too cold for flip flops still, i slipped on some #nononsense socks and grabbed my #paylessshoessourse #airwalk sneakers. the finishing touch, as always is the only jewelry i wear: my two #silversafari rings and my favorite ring that i bought years ago from #pikesplacemarket in seattle. back to the bathroom to finish making myself beautiful...i know...hard to believe i have to do anything at all, right? i finish drying my hair with a #revlon blow dryer and then follow up straightening it with a #conair flatiron. i take two minutes (yes, it's timed) to brush my teeth with my #soniccare toothbrush with #colgate toothpaste (it whitens AND strengthens enamel!). throw on a little #secret (shhhh) to stay fresh as umm...i think it's fresh cotton this time around...not sure...then on to makeup...as little as i have to apply since i am the picture of natural beauty (that is the airbrushed, made up picture of natural beauty...) i started with the #neutrogena foundation, and #mineralpower to set. then it's #covergirl eyeshadow with a #maybelline eyeshadow accent color, a #maxxfactor eye liner finished with #loreal dual extend mascara with a coat of #covergirl lash blast just for fun (i LOVE mascara for some reason). added a little #bedhead moose and finished with #redken hairspray (one of these days i really need to make an appointment at #zen to get my hair trimmed again!) finally, i'm out the door for work! oh wait...for a spritz or two of my #victoriasecret lovespell perfume...can't forget that! i grab my super cute #fredmeyer purse and my keys (my #lowe's house key matches my purse...yes, i'm that freakish) that are hanging on the back of the doorknob on the #oldnavy lanyard and hop into my #fordfocus. off we go...drop the kids off at daycare, and off to the office. once at my desk i'll either have a cup of #stash tea with a bit of #westernfamily honey or a mug coffee with #coffeemate creamer for flavor (tiramisu this week...can't do it black...yuk!) today, just to be different, i did a cup of acai berry tea followed by a #sobe lifewater (blue and black berry...pretty good). i shuffled papers, checked my #yahoo email, my #facebook account, see if anyone left a comment on my #blogspot blog, signed on to #twitter for the day, started up my #phillips mp3 player for background noise and got to work. somewhere around noon i took a break for lunch, and went home, made a sandwich, watched a little bit of nothing on tv, then kicked mario's ass on our old #nintendo64 playing #supermarioworld (heck yes...i beat the chocolate forest castle 1...WOO HOO). since i had a bank deposit to make for work, i left the house a little early and stopped by #starbucks to get a caramel frappuccino with chocolate chips in it (finally! it's summer and i can switch to a warm weather drink!). as the gal handed it through the window, i wrapped my #coffeesocial cup cozy aroud it (good for hot AND cold drinks! bonus!!) and set it into my cup holder. after adjusting my #gasstation sunglasses that the beautiful weather required, i reapplied my #sallyhanson lip inflation chapstick, popped by the bank and here i am back at work, typing this up for all of you to enjoy (as i'm sure you have immensely). so. there you have it. all my brands up until 233 this afternoon. how many? (hint: it's less than 65, more than 60...)

i think it would be interesting if we all walked around in pop-up addition...you could look at someone and click on whatever part of them you wanted the info about and it would tell you: *click* fordcares.com teeshirt, online at fordcares.com for $25. available in s-xl, dark grey only. then from there you could *click* and submit an order and completely steal someone's look. it would be great! *click* starbucks grande caramel frappuccino with chocolate chips $4.75 *click* and you have one in hand. *click* 2008 honda element *click* and you're driving one. how nifty would that be? you could wear sunglasses that enable the pop up version of life...take them off when you just want to enjoy the day...maybe that's what it's like to be a celebrity...you just walk and point and it appears in front of you. NIFTY. *point* $2.5 million dollar 19 bedroom, 23 bathroom home with tennis courts. indoor and out door swimming pools and a 13 car garage. *point* and you've magically moved in AND had it decorated to your taste. SWEET.

anyway...that's the game for today. how branded are you?? if you beat me out i will totally get you a #charms blowpop for your sunshiny afternoon enjoyment!

there's a prize if you get to the end!

so. it will be a quick short blog today. for those of you who were unfortunate enough to catch my melt down/bitch session the other day, i apologize. as you can tell, it's been removed to spare any others from the torture of three pages of whining. suffice to say it's been a shitty week, i was stressed, and i took it out on a blog and my poor defenseless readers.

so. what's been going on other than my bitching? plenty, and not that much all at the same time. i had lunch with my mum a few weeks ago (maybe it was just last week...i cant' keep track). it was odd. i talked about it with the guy (okay...help me out, don't have anything to call the current guy...hmm....) and kiddos happened to be listening in. so. today i get a call from babysitter asking if it's okay for her to mail a letter from my oldest spawn to the grandparent in question. little sneak. like it's not bad enough that he's been pushing every button i've ever had lately, now he's sneaking around trying to do thing the back alley way. should have back alley'd him when i had the chance....i didn't mean that...keep your knickers on...well...don't mean it most days anyway...ANYWAY. kid is trying to slip things around me. there's a reason we don't have contact with that part of the family...oy. they've gotten around it before...grandmother has sent packages to spawn's father's house, or through the other grandparents. it's nice. it's not bad enough that grandmother has no respect for me. now she's teaching my spawns they don't have to listen to me or abide by my rules. thanks. bitch. ugh.

so. what else. oh yeah...we're crossing the information boundary now...please make sure your passports are ready and your seats are in the upright position...prepare yourselves:

i had sex on sunday. yes, this alone is a momentus occaison and alone worthy of sharing...but, even better, we were at the guy's house and smaller spawn was there too. unfortunatly, he doesn't take naps any more. we thought we were safe sneaking away during a movie (cut us a break...it's been a month). so...in the middle of everything...KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK...oh. my. god. so much for that rhythm. kiddo wants a drink. so get one. five minutes later...KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK...please....for the love of orgasms everywhere....the movie is over, can he watch another one? yes...just be patient, it's satellite, one will start in a minute. five minutes later...KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK...MID ORGASM...like that doesn't ruin the moment. we'll be out in a minute, can it wait?? (which i said biting my tounge, still trying to hold what was left of said rare orgasm) why do you sound so sad mom?? and the giggling starts. oh heavens. guy and i are both giggling. why do you sound so sad?? maybe because you're ruining my one, very rare orgasm!!! sheesh. and the moment is completely ruined. at least i got to finish...ha ha ha (don't get in a twist...he got to finish too...just had to wait till the giggling stopped...not that you needed to know that part...oh well). so now we joke "why do you sound so sad??" and the giggling starts...i will NEVER understand how people with multiple kids manage to have any more...that was only one in the house...how do some people get knocked up with 6 running around the joint?!? then again...maybe some people don't take 40+ minutes.

so. i have to admit that i have an addiction. well, a few. first, i'm hopelessly addicted to sobe. i 've been going through two or three a day. *sigh* lee the lizard...why do you have to be so damn wonderful?? second...i'm addicted to tea. right now i'm down to only 4 different kinds on my desk...and i'm drinking that whenever i'm not drinking sobe...if sobe started making tea...forget it. i'd be done for. finally, i'm becoming addicted to netflix. i'm a movie junkie anyway, but it's getting bad. i generally go through 6 or more movies a week...we order them three at a time and most often watch them the night they come in. the problem is that i have yet to set a good staggering pattern, so we watch all three (one kids, two for me) and send them back and have a blank night. then the new ones come in and repeat. i need to at least stagger mine...or something. it's getting bad though. i have a book i started over a month ago that's really good, but i haven't finished it yet because i only have time to read it on my lunch breaks at work when i take them or when i don't have something else during that time...sheesh. not so many movies...more books...but the movies are so interesting, and you can find ANYTHING on netflix...ones i've been wanting to watch for a while but the local stores don't have them...NETFLIX...there they are...DING. win. it's great. and then they recommend things...which so far is pretty good...

so. i have to change phones again. if you're keeping count, this will be my 6th phone or so in the last year. stupid verizon. i swear, once you complain they black list you and send you the shit phones from then on. you think they'd send you something good to shut you up. not verizon. they're obviously not that smart. they seem to operate under the "you want to cry? i'll give you something to cry about" theory. SUCK. now i'll have to transfer everything again...download all my ringtones again, reset all the caller id's...ugh. such a pain in my ass. why can't they make a phone memory card that saves all your notes, your calendar appointments, your ringtones, all your settings AS WELL AS your pictures???? would that be too much to ask?? EPIC FAIL VERIZON. i would switch, but they snagged me into ANOTHER stupid two year contract even though i've been with them FOREVER. lame. what a loser way to keep your clients...by trapping them.

what else. hmmm...i don't think there's much else right now. that's probably more than enough for most people. so. to sum up. drink sobe. if anyone finds a sobe tea that i can brew, they'll win a special prize (yet to be determined). i hate verizon. and, of course...why do you sound so sad?? *giggle*