breaking up is hard to do

“A lot can be achieved by way of a little soul searching right now. There's some stuff going on with you on a level that's deeper than the everyday- perhaps regarding an important relationship- and it's definitely worth some thought. Meditating and writing in a journal might help you to get some free-form feelings down- then you can begin to apply your trademark powers of analysis. Clarity is right around the corner.”

so. that’s the horoscope for today. i know- i keep posting these horoscope things. i’m not a big believer in them, but it’s interesting to see how close they can be at times. that is to say, i don’t rule my life by them, i don’t check them every day or base decisions on them but every now and again when i log into yahoo i’ll check it and days like today it’s odd how close it matches up to what’s going on. not bad for some random computer spitting out some philosophical jargon and smashing it into a paragraph.

but. there is some stuff going on with me regarding an important relationship: there is no more boyfriend.

pretty important. especially considering how important it was that there even was one. things never really recovered from the fight. hell, they didn’t recover at all. i didn’t talk to him until friday afternoon when i texted him to see if he wanted to go pick up my new car with me. i got back “sure, but then we need to talk.” -sigh-

suffice to say: much discussion, most of it was my fault (some valid, some not), and that’s all there is, there is no more.

well, except for the part where i keep thinking about it. THINKING though. not heartbroken. not trying to patch it up. just thinking about it. replaying it all. looking at it from every angle. looking for my lessons. it’s what i do. analyze everything even beyond its’ natural death.

and i go back and forth. he was there when i needed him the most. that’s hard to let go. but there have also been issues and little arguments all the way along and those are really draining. not something i need right now. one of those- when it was good it was very very good, but when it was bad it was horrid things. there’s a time and a reason for everything. there’s a reason he found me all the way from iraq at the time he did. if it’s meant to, it will come back around again, but right now is not the right time for either of us. we both have a ton of learning and healing and work to do. he’s made me stronger in different ways, and i hope i’ve made him stronger too. he’s learning to be a grown man and make his own decisions and choices for himself, not what family or culture says he needs to do. that’s a gigantic shift for him. i can’t even imagine how terrifying but freeing that is all at the same time. and me- hell, i don’t know which direction is up right now. i need to get my feet back on the ground, take care of me and the spawns, make sure we’re all healthy and we come out of this stronger, and then MAYBE i can let someone back in. and who knows if that will be him or someone new. i don’t know. i just know that right now it wasn’t right. the fights over nothing. the fights over everything. the arguments, the misunderstandings. his belief of love is that you each give up a part of yourselves to become one. i disagree. i believe you add to each other to become one. i’ve fought too damn long and hard to build myself up. there’s not a piece of me i want to give away for someone else. i would love for someone to add to me, but i’m not giving up one damn part of myself ever again.

but i’ve been thinking about it non-stop since wednesday. since friday night. all ive been doing is thinking about it. did i do what’s right? will i regret it? i don’t believe in regret, so what can i change or learn from it? i need to make sure i know why i did what i did. and i need to know that it was right for me. so i keep looking at it, turning the glass looking at each flaw and imperfection. and the truth is, i know why i did what i did. i know it is right for me in this moment. but you still wonder…

think for me tuesday:

ok kids; i can’t decide, so you get all powers over my brain today and today only:

#1: pregnant or sick:

ok. so i’m tired (as in narcoleptic), grumpy, 13 days late on my “monthly lady blessing” and i’ve peed approximately 943 times today.

BUT

there’s serious lack of the sex, the boobs don’t hurt, and...you know...the small detail of the baby factory being decomissioned 7 years ago.

but...you know...you decide.

#2 which haircut?

imagine the blonde as brunette (or dark, DARK auburn), and the blue as black or purple or something more standoutish...maybe the blue with my natural brown would still work...

#3 payday

books? shoes? clothes? movies? or...you know...something more traditional like bills.

and finally:

#4 which post should i do next?

TMI dating horror story? pet peeves? new word definitions? my personal compilation of uses for the word douche? a life/spawn update?

and:

GO

it has been decided (for me)

so. i’m not weak. i think that’s the last word that 98% of people who have ever met me would use to describe me. i have this funny growth in the lump that’s three feet above my ass…it’s called a brain. and believe it or not, i have actually learned how to use it over the years, and i am surprisingly capable of making decisions on my own…at least enough to get me through the last 29 years or so. now admittedly, they haven’t always been the best decisions, but they’re ones that i made. ME. I MADE THEM. ON MY VERY OWN.
so it astounds me when people decide to think for me. to make decisions for me. that’s a lie. it doesn’t astound me. IT FUCKING PISSES ME OFF. are you fucking kidding me with this shit? you thought you knew what was best for me and went ahead and decided? it’s happened more times than i care to count in the last few years.
when i was a kid…had to have been 10 or 11…we got a call that my dad had been in a really bad car accident. had rolled the car several times, punctured a lung, broken several ribs, BAD shape. the accident had thrown the glove compartment 100 yards from his car, and completely totaled the car (a cop car…reinforced and all). we were told about it a week later and not allowed to go down to see him. “…it would be best if you didn’t see him like that...” FUCK YOU. my dad is in the hospital WRECKED UP and you think it would be best if i didn’t see him? are you fucking kidding me? he’s my dad. i should ESPECIALLY be able to see him then.
then when my little brother was in an accident this last august i was called FOUR DAYS LATER when he woke up from the coma. “…well, we didn’t want you to worry and rush over here, so we decided to wait and call you till we knew it was a little better…” WHAT THE FUCK? my brother is in a coma and you didn’t want to worry me? if i shouldn’t be worried then, when SHOULD i be worried? what if he hadn’t made it then? turns out he didn’t really make it then and i never did get to see him through all of that or through the end.
it same thing with his death. i was called THE NEXT DAY. “…well, we didn’t want you to stress out and drive down here so we waited to call you…” EXCUSE ME? stress me out? he’s fucking dead. why shouldn’t i be stressed? why shouldn’t i drive down as soon as i hear? shouldn’t that be my call? NOT YOURS? so i get there a day late and a dollar short. i swear to all that’s holy, if they don’t call me to spread his ashes, a few of them are going to join him in the great beyond.
and it’s still happening. people making decisions for me: “…well, i didn’t think you’d be comfortable so i didn’t think you should go…” WHAT? well fuck…i’m so glad someone knows what i’m comfortable with more than i do. i’m glad someone can make decisions for me of where i would feel okay going or which social situations i would feel comfortable putting myself in. nothing like a fucked up excuse twisted for exclusion. if you didn’t want me there, just fucking ball up and say it. don’t hide it behind some fucked reason that you are trying to force on me.
i’m a fucking big girl. believe it or not i can say yes please or no thank you to situations. i can handle being stressed out about things. i can handle being upset. i can handle making my own fucking decisions. i don’t need people to fucking think for me. trust me, if nothing else, thinking is one thing i’m more than capable of doing. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. i don’t make a decision without thinking it through roughly 100 times. i know what i’m comfortable with, i know what and where i want to be. i know what i can handle and what’s too much for me. it’s honestly a fucking slap in the face when a decision is made for me. it’s saying i’m not good enough. i’m not smart enough. i’m not grown up enough to be in control of my own life. yes, i might ask for help or input once in a while on a decision…but in the end, i am capable of making the final decision without having it made for me.