breaking news: dating is hard

i've started dating. REALLY dating. like, seeing the same person more than one time. sometimes for weeks at a time. 

i've come up with a theory of why/how strong/independent people end up with seemingly “mooch” partners:

a) the new partner usually has an abundance of free time to spend together which is lovely. the down side is though, it can allow things to get very intense, very fast emotionally, so by the time you recognize not great behavior, you’re already emotionally invested.

b) if you’ve lived alone for a while, you’re used to paying all your bills yourself. you’ve made it work on one income. any “extra money” the partner bring in (side hustles, random odd jobs, oh hell, any time you don’t have to pay for a dinner out) seems like such a luxury and you appreciate it so much. in reality it’s like someone carrying the eggs upstairs when the whole trunk is full of groceries. you appreciate the help, you could have done it yourself, but it was nice that someone did something for you. as little as it was.

for example:

i recently dated a guy for several weeks. we'll call him the plant guy (he made dirt for my plants!)

 

plant guy just slid right in and i got attached very quickly. he wasn't working, didn't have a steady income, but i was already completely taking care of myself, paying for my own meals, my own rent. have been for...oh...a mere twenty one years. but suddenly, anything he contributed made an outing feel extravagant. made me feel spoiled, fancy. also, because he didn't have a over burdened schedule, was ALWAYS available, like stayed the first night and then every night after that. nothing but uninterrupted one on one time for 3 solid weeks.  it got very intense, very fast.

this weekend i went out with a lawyer. he has a well established, busy career. he's in a band. he has events, a schedule. responsibilities. he has nearly adult children, clients, friends. it would be exponentially harder to get together with him, in-depth time would be limited and broken up over several weeks or months.

i suppose it's just one more way dating is fucking hard.

but it’s like everything else in life- the easy thing isn’t usually the best and the best thing isn’t usually easy.

but being aware of...that. being aware of maybe WHY something is. recognizing the behavior patterns can help reframe the internal dialogue when finding the right balanced partnership.

when i feel like i'm getting in over my head too quickly now i have one more filter to run things through: are you just over-saturated? when's the last time you had a minute alone? am i starting to feel out of balance, why is that?

especially with massive anxiety, it's nice to find a way to be more calm and patient and kind with myself while wading through the swap of despair that is dating. being able to ask myself healthy questions, check in, in a kinder way that isn’t panic or hurt. it can help keep me out of unhealthy relationships and maybe allow a little more space/time for ones i would have otherwise written off.

one more step towards finding a right fit for me.

perspective

life is a funny thing when you're in the middle of it.

have you ever watched a long running tv show like grey's anatomy where by season 15 you've forgotten everything that happened in season 1 or 2? i rewatched grey's anatomy last year from the beginning and there were so many HOLY CRAP I FORGOT ABOUT THAT CHARACTER moments. so many small story lines, all smashed together to make the big story line, but easy to forget a few years down the road. would someone just starting on season 15 even know who george was?

life can feel that way sometimes. especially right now.

people i'm just now meeting are joining this show already in progress. it can be a LOT to try to catch them up on the cliff notes of why i am the way i am.

people who meet me now will never see me in "mom mode" because that chapter has closed. people who meet me now ask about my family, a perfectly normal question, not knowing how ugly and complex and convoluted the answers can be.

i've been thinking about the cliff notes version of my life because of this...and i have to say...holy fuck man.

when you pull the lens way back, when you telescope out, my life can look like a fucking horror story.

there's a few different versions of cliff notes you can look at:

cliff notes, version 1:
pregnant at 17
married, second baby, divorce before 23
two babies by two daddies.
oldest son dropped out of high school, spent a night in jail, has abused drugs, alcohol, girlfriends
youngest son has already been in juvenile courts, sold drugs, abused drugs and alcohol
both sons out of the house before they were 16.

oof. that's...oof.


cliff notes, version 2:
baby at 17
sexually assaulted at 18
raped at 19
baby at 22
domestic violence marriage
divorced at 23
so. much. death at 29
first child leaves home at 33
raped at 35
second child leaves home at 37

that's half a season of law and order SVU right there.
 

cliff notes, version 3:
graduated high school at 17
graduated college at 22
successful 11 year corporate job
successful second career
bought a home at 30, cash
sold a home at 36
raised 2 children as a full time single parent
successfully navigated multiple major life changes before 40

better, but still exhausting.

 
those are 3 VERY DIFFERENT cliff notes.

and somewhere, if you shuffle all three of those decks together, you get my life.

it's all about perspective. if i wanted to mope around, there's more than enough reasons to mope.

if i wanted to give up and complain about how hard life is, there's more than enough reasons to throw in the towel.

and the good lord himself knows i've done plenty of both.

but, also, i've lived it. and i'm still alive.

and that's something.


it's intimidating thinking about going forward from here. how much do you tell new people? how closed is a closed chapter? how do you go forward into a new chapter without respecting what's already happened in the books but not dwelling on it?

here's the non cliff notes version of my life:

i've made some decisions. those decisions had results, consequences, rewards, challenges. some decisions were made for me. i didn't choose to have domestic violence in my story. i didn't choose to have rape and sexual assault in my story, but there they are.

i saw a saying the other day that said "...my traumas made me who i am today. MY RESILIENCE DID THAT..."

 that was a HUGE perspective shift for me.

trauma happens to everyone. you will never meet a person who hasn't come through their version of trauma. and trauma will look different to everyone. some people take death as a natural part of life. for others, a death can be a world shattering/stopping event. for some it's world shattering but also natural- something you expect that still sucks.

some people hit a bump in the road and just sit in the ditch miserable staring a the wreck.

some people hit a bump and stop, look at the bump, see if it was a real bump, can it be moved to not cause other people to hit it? why did i hit it? how much damage did it do? what's the plan going forward after this bump?

some people hit a bump and don't even slow down (until 10 miles down the road when there's a sudden breakdown from damaged caused by the bump that was ignored).

i've hit my share of bumps, but trauma didn't make me who i am today. it's pieces of my story. it's cliff notes. it's something that happened.

but i'm resilient. i made it through the trauma. not always with grace and style and a 10 point landing that stuck, but i made it through. 

it's a matter of perspective. it's a matter of perseverance. it's a matter of resilience. i'm working on being more intentional at choosing my perspective. i'm more intentional choosing how i want to present my story, the good, the bad, the really, really ugly. perspective shifts are hard. recognizing some people weren't intentionally out to hurt you, they're just a human being dealing with their own shit too. acknowledging that life isn't out to get you, it picks on everyone. this is just your turn.

perspective matters.

do you want to be mad that life knocked you flat on your back? or do you want to take a minute to appreciate being on solid ground, getting a chance to catch your breath and look up at how far you made it and how much more infinite space there is to go higher the next time?

look at the cliff notes, a little to the left:

pregnant at 17: FACED A DIFFICULT DECISION, EARLY IN LIFE. MADE A CONSCIOUS, THOUGHT-OUT CHOICE.

married, second baby, divorce before 23: RECOGNIZED I WAS IN AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. MADE THE DECISION TO LEAVE.

two babies by two daddies. TOOK CONTROL OF MY BODY, GOT STERILIZED.

oldest son dropped out of high school, spent a night in jail, has abused drugs, alcohol, girlfriends: I TAUGHT HIM. I PROVIDED TOOLS FOR HIM. WE ALL CHOOSE OUR OWN PATH, HE'S CHOSEN A DIFFICULT ONE BUT HE'S MY KID AND WE'RE TOUGH PEOPLE.
 
youngest son has already been in juvenile courts, sold drugs, abused drugs and alcohol: HE'S IN A SAFE, HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT NOW WITH A CHANGE TO FINISH HIGH SCHOOL AND LEARN HOW TO MAKE BETTER DECISIONS BEFORE THEY PERMANENTLY AFFECT HIS LIFE.

both sons out of the house before they were 16: I GET TO START A WHOLE NEW CHAPTER IN MY LIFE BEFORE I'M 40. I RAISED MY FAMILY. I DID THE BEST I COULD DO. AND NOW I GET TO TRY SOMETHING NEW.


it's all how you look at it.