breaking news: dating is hard

i've started dating. REALLY dating. like, seeing the same person more than one time. sometimes for weeks at a time. 

i've come up with a theory of why/how strong/independent people end up with seemingly “mooch” partners:

a) the new partner usually has an abundance of free time to spend together which is lovely. the down side is though, it can allow things to get very intense, very fast emotionally, so by the time you recognize not great behavior, you’re already emotionally invested.

b) if you’ve lived alone for a while, you’re used to paying all your bills yourself. you’ve made it work on one income. any “extra money” the partner bring in (side hustles, random odd jobs, oh hell, any time you don’t have to pay for a dinner out) seems like such a luxury and you appreciate it so much. in reality it’s like someone carrying the eggs upstairs when the whole trunk is full of groceries. you appreciate the help, you could have done it yourself, but it was nice that someone did something for you. as little as it was.

for example:

i recently dated a guy for several weeks. we'll call him the plant guy (he made dirt for my plants!)

 

plant guy just slid right in and i got attached very quickly. he wasn't working, didn't have a steady income, but i was already completely taking care of myself, paying for my own meals, my own rent. have been for...oh...a mere twenty one years. but suddenly, anything he contributed made an outing feel extravagant. made me feel spoiled, fancy. also, because he didn't have a over burdened schedule, was ALWAYS available, like stayed the first night and then every night after that. nothing but uninterrupted one on one time for 3 solid weeks.  it got very intense, very fast.

this weekend i went out with a lawyer. he has a well established, busy career. he's in a band. he has events, a schedule. responsibilities. he has nearly adult children, clients, friends. it would be exponentially harder to get together with him, in-depth time would be limited and broken up over several weeks or months.

i suppose it's just one more way dating is fucking hard.

but it’s like everything else in life- the easy thing isn’t usually the best and the best thing isn’t usually easy.

but being aware of...that. being aware of maybe WHY something is. recognizing the behavior patterns can help reframe the internal dialogue when finding the right balanced partnership.

when i feel like i'm getting in over my head too quickly now i have one more filter to run things through: are you just over-saturated? when's the last time you had a minute alone? am i starting to feel out of balance, why is that?

especially with massive anxiety, it's nice to find a way to be more calm and patient and kind with myself while wading through the swap of despair that is dating. being able to ask myself healthy questions, check in, in a kinder way that isn’t panic or hurt. it can help keep me out of unhealthy relationships and maybe allow a little more space/time for ones i would have otherwise written off.

one more step towards finding a right fit for me.