look! it's a sharp tooth!

so. i have to write a blog today. i probably don't have the time to, but i have so much stuff in my head that i need to get it all out.

first up: gummy worms. have you opened a package lately? holy. sugar. rush. the smell alone is enough to send most people into a diabetic coma. then there's the actual partaking of said worm like food. who thought it was a good idea to shape a candy like a worm in the first place? it's fascinating to me. i remember growing up they had candy cigarettes too. smart. well done. getting generations of kids addicted to holding cigarette before they can even figure out how to work a lighter for the real ones (hell, i STILL can't work a lighter most of the time). anyway...gummy worms...they are horrible. you know they're horrible. but you still have to eat them if they're there. i don't know what it is. i found a package in the bottom of my purse today (still not sure how it got there...i think it's a leftover of the dinosaur show...more on that later). so, i found this package...and you HAVE to eat them if you find them. you HAVE to. so i cut the package open...good christmas. SUGAR. but they are "made with real fruit juice" so there you have it. they're perfectly healthy. one of my coworkers had one (because you have to if they're around) and made the comment that they're not the consistency of anything anyone should actually eat. i laughed because it's true. they're like jello after it's been left out and has that hard little edge on it. you shouldn't eat that part. but some smart person cut that part off, shaped it like a worm, and made it an attractive snack food. well done sir, whomever you might have been. well done.

ok. second. i know i wrote about the iphone application in my last blog, but i am STILL fascinated by the shaken baby app. i mean really? who was sitting around in a board room or an office trying to think of new applications and though...HEY...there's a lot of rednecks sitting out there wondering what the fastest, most efficient way to shake their girlfriend's baby to death is...we should make an app for THAT. and so they did. i mean REALLY?? yes, i will admit it's morbidly funny, but REALLY? an app? where you shake the phone till the baby's eyes are replaced with a great big X?? i mean COME ON. sure it's funny to do it to your friends simulation baby that they got in home ec class back in high school...you know it's going to screw their grade over BIG TIME, but that's not the same...is it?? okay, so that one is a "real" baby and this is just a phone...but still! is there a world record for fastest shaking time? a certain technique that helps you shake them faster (oh heavens...just had a flash back to the snl sketch with alec baldwin about shaking the wii-mote for whatever game that was). i just can't wrap my head around it. REALLY? with all the news reports lately about child abuse and shaken babies?? and you, oh great iphone, thought it would be good to put out a game that promotes that?? REALLY? i wonder if i can get a copy for my lg phone....hmmm....

so. i got to go see dinosaurs this weekend. like REAL dinosaurs. i know what you're thinking...they're extinct! yeah...that's what you thought! suckers! conspiracy theory! they were real, i swear! went and saw walking with dinosaurs at the yakima sundome this weekend. it's a super cool show put on by bbc that has life size dinosaurs they've created that walk around, attack each other, roar, fly, all of it (one of them even shat on stage after eating a bunch of plants...not kidding). the biggest one was the long neck (can you tell i paid attention and learned the real names?!?!) was 72' from nose to tail...FREAKING HUGE. it was pretty cool. the t-rex came out and fought with some of the other ones after they were picking on the baby t-rex...it really was amazing. all the kids loved it (even my niece who is only a few months old...she was giggling and jumping all over the place!), and the adults were all pretty damn impressed too! never thought i'd be into a dinosaur show. i feel like ross. only without the super greasy hair and obnoxious voice.

so. we got to see my niece and nephew this weekend obviously (thus the note about her giggling and jumping...see how that works?) i've forgotten how stinking cute babies are. first, she's super cool because she wears her hair like me. love her. my own fan already. ok. so she's only 5 months old and it's only like mine because it's all rubbed off in the back but they don't want to cut the long parts in the front...it's still cool! we all stayed the night at my dad's house saturday night (after the dinosaurs) and i heard her wake up in the middle of the night (mommy radar never goes away apparently). after listening to her fuss for about a half hour i figured no one else could hear her, so i went down to check on her...such a dolly. she snuggled right into my shoulder and cried and hiccuped for a while before falling back asleep...so i sat down in one of the rockers with her and we slept in the chair all night. i forgot how sweet baby snuggles like that are. awww...but can i just say i'm glad it was ONE night and i got to catch up on sleep again the next night...ha ha ha...cute for a minute, but i like my sleep! couldn't do it again! she was funny too...she's into the HEY...I HAVE A TONGUE phase...always sticking it out and chewing on it...freaking cracked me up. if you held her you were bound to be licked at some point. or drooled on. or spit up on. my nephew cracks me up to. that kid is funny. they have him on a super short leash when it comes to rules, but it's working for them and he's so stinking cute. my brother had taught him to repeat all sorts of great things...and just recently decided maybe they shouldn't watch "cops" together when my nephew pointed to the screen: "hey look, it's a dead guy!" NICE. well done.at the dino show he was so excited. he's been watching land before time to get ready for it, learning the different types of dinosaurs, all ready to go...and he was so excited to see them. didn't freak him out at all. sharp tooth! be a good memory for him.

on a serious note:

a friend of mine passed away a few weeks ago. it's shaken me quite a bit more than i thought it would. i've lost a few people in life, but nothing that's really hit home like this one. my nana died when i was in my teens. she was an adopted grandmother of sorts. i remember going to her house as a kid...grilled cheese and tomato soup. and she had milk-glass vases and dishes and everything all over her house. a few kids died while i was in high school, but i wasn't particularly close to any of them, it was sad but didn't really bother me. my step-grandmother died two summers ago. unexpected stroke. i guess it should have been more important since she was around more than my actual grandparents, but in all honestly, she was crazy (like drama queen crazy) and i couldn't really stand to be around her for very long.

i don't know why joshua's death is hitting so hard. we met probably close to two years ago...we went out a few times, he cooked me dinner one night (the only guy that's ever done that for me as a date). we would hang out, talk, nothing much, no serious relationship, hell, we never even slept together. he was a great guy though. such a great guy, crazy sense of humor, always laughing and making everyone around him laugh. he moved to arizona a while ago to work in the scrap metal business with his cousin. called me every now and again to chat and catch up. he had just moved back to town in october and called me in february to let me know he was back. we were planning lunch some time but scheduled never quite matched up. we weren't super close. i knew him but didn't know any of his friends or family (besides what i'd heard about them). it took me a few hours to find a phone number to call to find out if he'd really passed away or not (i work with his neighbor and she called me to ask if i knew about anything happening to him). the whole thing is just odd. he was only 38. died of a heart attack they think. it's just odd. you know? i was making plans with him just a few weeks ago, now it will never happen. and i think the thing is missing is that it was such a shock and there's not really anyone to talk to about it. i didn't know his friends, i missed his memorial service this weekend. it's just left out there. and honestly, even if i had been in town i don't know if i could have gone. a room full of strangers with one missing common connection. i did call one of his friends max (the one i finally reached that was able to confirm his death) and left a message to let him know how much joshua loved him. josh and i couldn't have a conversation without a story about max. i could tell how much they cared about each other. the last time we talked joshua was SO EXCITED because max and his partner had just found a surrogate to carry a baby for them. joshua had to have mentioned it at least three times. he was so stoked. and i had to let max know that. but where else to i say it? say how much he meant to me? he was the only guy i knew that names his car...and his couch...and his bed. he's the only person that i've ever know that owned and smoked from a hookah (cherry cola tobacco smelled so good). joshua had a movie script that he'd written a few years ago that he really wanted to publish...and it was a good script too. good storyline. and he laughed...he loved to laugh. and you had to laugh with him. so relaxed and fun to be around. i'll miss his random phone calls. every now and again i'd answer the phone and hear "hi sweetie!" he's the only one that ever called me that...or that i would ever let call me that! he could pull it off. he introduced me to the freaking awesome music of richard cheese. he told stories about traveling all over the world and made me want to jump on a plane. he loved his friends and had a huge group of people around him that he's been close to since he was a little kid...i was always jealous of that. he loved kids. he was a nanny of sorts for his friend with 5 kids and he loved talking about and spending time with those kids. his home was eclectic and comfortable, you felt instantly at home there. he was always coming up with a new idea or a new project. he was going to start a business in spokane called onesource that would be a rival for kinkos but ended up moving to arizona to help out his cousin. the last time i talked to him he was in the process of buying a hot dog stand to open up near gonzaga. a fucking hotdog stand. who does that? it was so crazy and so logical and so joshua. college kids...cheap, easy hot dogs on the way to class...fucking genius. he was always on the go and always full of ideas and projects. he didn't want to be tied down or attached to anyone in particular, something i could completely understand and relate to. he talked about a girlfriend that was living with him helping pay the bills during the transition from arizona back to here, but he couldn't wait to kick her to the curb and have his place all back to himself again (oddly, she introduced herself as his girlfriend the first time she called me to tell me about his death and then introduced herself as his fiancee' the second time she called to let me know...odd...were they really engaged? or did she change it because it sounds better to say fiancee' when you're calling people than "girlfriend"??). he was just so young you know? and i guess he always seemed way too full of life to have it just disappear so suddenly like that. i'll miss him so much. we weren't that close, we didn't spend a ton of time together, but i'll miss him.

ugh.

okay. have to change the topic.

so. i've been reading a book of bizarre facts and stories. one of the things under the music session was an annual festival in tennessee that was for non-musical instruments which i think is a fan-fucking-tastic idea. how much fun would that be? it said they had people that played fire alarm bells, rain tubs, all sorts of things. think of how fun that could be. anything you can make a noise with or tap out a rhythm on. i think it would be a blast to see what people come up with. if you know of anyone having a non-musical instrument jam, let me know, i would totally love to go! also in the bizarre book of facts: everyone has a unique tongue print. i never knew that before. hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia is the fear of long words (huh...nice short name for that fear), geliophobia is the fear of laughter, graphophobia is the fear of writing (maybe i should get checked for this one), scolionophobia is the fear of school (don't let my oldest one know this...he'll totally try to use it), venustraphobia is the fear of beautiful women (many people have been known to tremble in my presence, this explains it.) so. that's enough for one day i think. i want ice cream.

did you buy flowers??

so. some of you may know this, some of you may not. yesterday was in fact secretaries day. and yes, i realize we're not called secretaries any more, it's "administrative professionals day". so, there is one guy here at work that wished me happy AP yesterday...to which i responded "do i LOOK like an iphone to you??" and he laughed and said..."well, they do have an app for everything". (app, AP, ha ha ha...it's a techie joke!)

so, after a moment, i realized, i may be the next one to be phased out by the evil that is technology. it happened years ago in the auto industry, it's happening in voice automated call centers all over the world, and it may be happening in the "administrative professional" pool sooner than we'd like to admit. so. here are five things that the iphone can do that could threaten my job, as well as five things it can't do that will let me keep my job forever: (list style just for @tremendousnews just in case they happen to wander over this direction...i know how they like lists...)

five reasons the iphone may take over my job:

#5 need to print a label? they have an app for that.

#4 need an email sent? they have an app for that.

#3 need tips on how to shake a baby properly? they have an app for that (totally not kidding: http://tech.yahoo.com/news/pcworld/20090423/tc_pcworld/appleapprovestastelessbabyshakeriphonegamethenremovesit)

#2 need to google some information? do a little research? find random pointless facts? they have an app for that.

#1 plus, the iphone looks much better in form fitting/curve hugging leather than i do. sad.

five reason the iphone will NEVER take over my job:

#5 it can't make coffee

#4 it can't refill the printer when it runs out of paper (try to make an app for that bitches!)

#3 it can't refill the candy dish when it runs out (okay, so i haven't been doing that lately..in theory though).

#2 it can't water the plants

#1 the iphone doesn't have a size 40c chest for the men in the department to stare at when they're pretending to ask for information. no app for that one. ever. i'm completely safe.

so. what have we learned? I, ME, MY GLORIOUS SELF am the app for everything really important. and i need to work on fitting into curve hugging leather a little better. suck it iphone. you'll never replace me! so there!

brand identification

so. it's a bright sunny day outside. and i have a little story to tell you. well, it's not so much a story as a game, so lets play a little game, shall we? here's how this works. i was walking back to the building today after lunch and i looked at myself through the imaginary eye of any passerby and i wondered what it was they saw first about me. and then the term "brand identification" popped into my head. there's cliques, there's stereotypes, and then there's brand typing. what kind of brand am i? how many brands am i? so. let's review. what brand i am:

this morning i woke up to my #verizon cell phone alarm clock, as well as my #audiovox alarm clock and my #timex alarm clock (yes, it takes all three to wake me up, and yes, i still over sleep). after successfully ignoring all three alarm clocks, was re-awakened by a tweet from the gadget guy to go watch his morning segment...so i stretched, rolled out of my #tommyhilfiger sheets and staggered out to the couch (all five fet away) i turned on my #magnavox tv and my #comcast cable box switching to gg's morning news show just in time to catch the segment. as soon as that was over, i padded to the bathroom. and somehow managed to get in the shower and not drown long enough for the warm water to wake me up. i used my #garnier shampoo and conditioner (some days it's #nexxus shampoo and conditioner), my #nutrogena wave followed by some #clearpore cleaner to keep my youthful appearance (uh huh), and then my #dove sensitive soap. after a nice long shower, i dried off with my #jcpenny towel and headed back to my room to get dressed for the day. layering up, as all of us do, i started with the unmentionables (yes, i really called them unmentionables #lanebryane for the top, #fruitoftheloom for the bottom, and NO, i won't tell you what color today). today i selected a pair of #vanity jeans (with a #lanebryant belt), an #oldnavy tank, and my favorite #fordcares tee shirt. since it's still a little too cold for flip flops still, i slipped on some #nononsense socks and grabbed my #paylessshoessourse #airwalk sneakers. the finishing touch, as always is the only jewelry i wear: my two #silversafari rings and my favorite ring that i bought years ago from #pikesplacemarket in seattle. back to the bathroom to finish making myself beautiful...i know...hard to believe i have to do anything at all, right? i finish drying my hair with a #revlon blow dryer and then follow up straightening it with a #conair flatiron. i take two minutes (yes, it's timed) to brush my teeth with my #soniccare toothbrush with #colgate toothpaste (it whitens AND strengthens enamel!). throw on a little #secret (shhhh) to stay fresh as umm...i think it's fresh cotton this time around...not sure...then on to makeup...as little as i have to apply since i am the picture of natural beauty (that is the airbrushed, made up picture of natural beauty...) i started with the #neutrogena foundation, and #mineralpower to set. then it's #covergirl eyeshadow with a #maybelline eyeshadow accent color, a #maxxfactor eye liner finished with #loreal dual extend mascara with a coat of #covergirl lash blast just for fun (i LOVE mascara for some reason). added a little #bedhead moose and finished with #redken hairspray (one of these days i really need to make an appointment at #zen to get my hair trimmed again!) finally, i'm out the door for work! oh wait...for a spritz or two of my #victoriasecret lovespell perfume...can't forget that! i grab my super cute #fredmeyer purse and my keys (my #lowe's house key matches my purse...yes, i'm that freakish) that are hanging on the back of the doorknob on the #oldnavy lanyard and hop into my #fordfocus. off we go...drop the kids off at daycare, and off to the office. once at my desk i'll either have a cup of #stash tea with a bit of #westernfamily honey or a mug coffee with #coffeemate creamer for flavor (tiramisu this week...can't do it black...yuk!) today, just to be different, i did a cup of acai berry tea followed by a #sobe lifewater (blue and black berry...pretty good). i shuffled papers, checked my #yahoo email, my #facebook account, see if anyone left a comment on my #blogspot blog, signed on to #twitter for the day, started up my #phillips mp3 player for background noise and got to work. somewhere around noon i took a break for lunch, and went home, made a sandwich, watched a little bit of nothing on tv, then kicked mario's ass on our old #nintendo64 playing #supermarioworld (heck yes...i beat the chocolate forest castle 1...WOO HOO). since i had a bank deposit to make for work, i left the house a little early and stopped by #starbucks to get a caramel frappuccino with chocolate chips in it (finally! it's summer and i can switch to a warm weather drink!). as the gal handed it through the window, i wrapped my #coffeesocial cup cozy aroud it (good for hot AND cold drinks! bonus!!) and set it into my cup holder. after adjusting my #gasstation sunglasses that the beautiful weather required, i reapplied my #sallyhanson lip inflation chapstick, popped by the bank and here i am back at work, typing this up for all of you to enjoy (as i'm sure you have immensely). so. there you have it. all my brands up until 233 this afternoon. how many? (hint: it's less than 65, more than 60...)

i think it would be interesting if we all walked around in pop-up addition...you could look at someone and click on whatever part of them you wanted the info about and it would tell you: *click* fordcares.com teeshirt, online at fordcares.com for $25. available in s-xl, dark grey only. then from there you could *click* and submit an order and completely steal someone's look. it would be great! *click* starbucks grande caramel frappuccino with chocolate chips $4.75 *click* and you have one in hand. *click* 2008 honda element *click* and you're driving one. how nifty would that be? you could wear sunglasses that enable the pop up version of life...take them off when you just want to enjoy the day...maybe that's what it's like to be a celebrity...you just walk and point and it appears in front of you. NIFTY. *point* $2.5 million dollar 19 bedroom, 23 bathroom home with tennis courts. indoor and out door swimming pools and a 13 car garage. *point* and you've magically moved in AND had it decorated to your taste. SWEET.

anyway...that's the game for today. how branded are you?? if you beat me out i will totally get you a #charms blowpop for your sunshiny afternoon enjoyment!

there's a prize if you get to the end!

so. it will be a quick short blog today. for those of you who were unfortunate enough to catch my melt down/bitch session the other day, i apologize. as you can tell, it's been removed to spare any others from the torture of three pages of whining. suffice to say it's been a shitty week, i was stressed, and i took it out on a blog and my poor defenseless readers.

so. what's been going on other than my bitching? plenty, and not that much all at the same time. i had lunch with my mum a few weeks ago (maybe it was just last week...i cant' keep track). it was odd. i talked about it with the guy (okay...help me out, don't have anything to call the current guy...hmm....) and kiddos happened to be listening in. so. today i get a call from babysitter asking if it's okay for her to mail a letter from my oldest spawn to the grandparent in question. little sneak. like it's not bad enough that he's been pushing every button i've ever had lately, now he's sneaking around trying to do thing the back alley way. should have back alley'd him when i had the chance....i didn't mean that...keep your knickers on...well...don't mean it most days anyway...ANYWAY. kid is trying to slip things around me. there's a reason we don't have contact with that part of the family...oy. they've gotten around it before...grandmother has sent packages to spawn's father's house, or through the other grandparents. it's nice. it's not bad enough that grandmother has no respect for me. now she's teaching my spawns they don't have to listen to me or abide by my rules. thanks. bitch. ugh.

so. what else. oh yeah...we're crossing the information boundary now...please make sure your passports are ready and your seats are in the upright position...prepare yourselves:

i had sex on sunday. yes, this alone is a momentus occaison and alone worthy of sharing...but, even better, we were at the guy's house and smaller spawn was there too. unfortunatly, he doesn't take naps any more. we thought we were safe sneaking away during a movie (cut us a break...it's been a month). so...in the middle of everything...KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK...oh. my. god. so much for that rhythm. kiddo wants a drink. so get one. five minutes later...KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK...please....for the love of orgasms everywhere....the movie is over, can he watch another one? yes...just be patient, it's satellite, one will start in a minute. five minutes later...KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK...MID ORGASM...like that doesn't ruin the moment. we'll be out in a minute, can it wait?? (which i said biting my tounge, still trying to hold what was left of said rare orgasm) why do you sound so sad mom?? and the giggling starts. oh heavens. guy and i are both giggling. why do you sound so sad?? maybe because you're ruining my one, very rare orgasm!!! sheesh. and the moment is completely ruined. at least i got to finish...ha ha ha (don't get in a twist...he got to finish too...just had to wait till the giggling stopped...not that you needed to know that part...oh well). so now we joke "why do you sound so sad??" and the giggling starts...i will NEVER understand how people with multiple kids manage to have any more...that was only one in the house...how do some people get knocked up with 6 running around the joint?!? then again...maybe some people don't take 40+ minutes.

so. i have to admit that i have an addiction. well, a few. first, i'm hopelessly addicted to sobe. i 've been going through two or three a day. *sigh* lee the lizard...why do you have to be so damn wonderful?? second...i'm addicted to tea. right now i'm down to only 4 different kinds on my desk...and i'm drinking that whenever i'm not drinking sobe...if sobe started making tea...forget it. i'd be done for. finally, i'm becoming addicted to netflix. i'm a movie junkie anyway, but it's getting bad. i generally go through 6 or more movies a week...we order them three at a time and most often watch them the night they come in. the problem is that i have yet to set a good staggering pattern, so we watch all three (one kids, two for me) and send them back and have a blank night. then the new ones come in and repeat. i need to at least stagger mine...or something. it's getting bad though. i have a book i started over a month ago that's really good, but i haven't finished it yet because i only have time to read it on my lunch breaks at work when i take them or when i don't have something else during that time...sheesh. not so many movies...more books...but the movies are so interesting, and you can find ANYTHING on netflix...ones i've been wanting to watch for a while but the local stores don't have them...NETFLIX...there they are...DING. win. it's great. and then they recommend things...which so far is pretty good...

so. i have to change phones again. if you're keeping count, this will be my 6th phone or so in the last year. stupid verizon. i swear, once you complain they black list you and send you the shit phones from then on. you think they'd send you something good to shut you up. not verizon. they're obviously not that smart. they seem to operate under the "you want to cry? i'll give you something to cry about" theory. SUCK. now i'll have to transfer everything again...download all my ringtones again, reset all the caller id's...ugh. such a pain in my ass. why can't they make a phone memory card that saves all your notes, your calendar appointments, your ringtones, all your settings AS WELL AS your pictures???? would that be too much to ask?? EPIC FAIL VERIZON. i would switch, but they snagged me into ANOTHER stupid two year contract even though i've been with them FOREVER. lame. what a loser way to keep your clients...by trapping them.

what else. hmmm...i don't think there's much else right now. that's probably more than enough for most people. so. to sum up. drink sobe. if anyone finds a sobe tea that i can brew, they'll win a special prize (yet to be determined). i hate verizon. and, of course...why do you sound so sad?? *giggle*

*disclaimer*

so. welcome to my blog.

if you've read my stuff before on myspace or facebook, you should be used to me. if you're new, there's a few things you need to know...consider yourself warned:

#1 i don't like punctuation. deal with it. well, not so much punctuation as the shift key. everything will be lower case. yes, i know it's not "proper" but it's they way i like to type. also, this way if you see something in caps then you know i mean it...

#2 i've been known to curse a little in my blogs. ok. more than a little. FINE. i've been compared to kevin smith in my ability to drop the f-bomb in every way, shape, and description as needed. it happens. some days i'm pissed off and being polite and beeping myself out just doesn't cut it. if you don't like it, piss off. it's how i write. no, i'm not undereducated. yes, i know there are probably other words that could get the same point across. but i write the way i write. NO ONE IS FORCING YOU TO READ THIS. so deal with it or, as i said before, piss off.

#3 everything i write is my own opinion, my own thought, it's me on paper (well, not really on paper now...is it. it's me in text and code and special computer thingys i don't understand). i don't expect you to agree with me all of the time, hell, you don' t have to agree with me any of the time. i don't care. it's my blog. it's my voice. i'm not associated with anyone, i'm not speaking for anyone, it's just me. if i steal a thought or a quote from someone, i'll let you know, other wise it's all me, all the time.

#4 i'm random. i'm odd. i'm long-winded. i have a dark sense of humor. occasionally i'll be chipper. sometimes i'll be sappy. most of the time i'll be snarky. i write what i think and what i feel. sometimes i'll cross the information border. sometimes you'll wish there was an undo button for what you just read. some days you may feel the need to soak your brain (and eyes) in a bucket of bleach when you're done (okay, maybe not THAT bad).

so. welcome to my blog. you've been warned.