are you still one of those letters?

a few years ago i volunteered at a booth for pride.

my brother called for one of his quarterly check ins and the conversation went something like this:

bro: you're at pride? but don't you have to be one of THOSE LETTERS to go to pride?

me: THOSE LETTERS? like LGBTQIA? no. you don't have to be one of THOSE LETTERS to show your support for the community. i mean, i am. there's a b in there. B is one of "those letters," but no, you don't have to be one of those letters.

bro: what do you mean you are one of those letter?

me: i'm bi. you didn't know that? oh. huh. by the by, i'm bi.

bro: *silence*

that's about as close as i've ever come to having a "coming out" conversation with my family. 

my brother still calls to check in. he still asks "...are you still one of those letters?" every time we talk.

he's not an asshole. he's just...my brother. he's not intentionally terrible.

in his own way he's trying.

he used to always end conversations by saying "...and remember to stay away from men. all men are evil. if you think one isn't, he's lying."

at least now he's adapted to say "...and remember, stay away from men AND women..."

change.

it's still horrible. it's probably funny to him. to me it's reinforcing that i don't deserve a happy, healthy partnership, WITH ANYONE. but. i mean. it's my brother. he thinks my tattoos and colored hair are me being rebellious. he still can't understand why i quit my stable corporate job eight years ago. he really just doesn't understand anything about me. at all.

to be fair, (to be fair) it took me a really long time to understand me. honestly, i'm still working on it.

i mean hell, it took me damn on 27 years to know i was bi.

gay didn't exist in the town i grew up in. it REALLY didn't exist in the church i grew up in. 

gay was this horrible thing you heard about on the news that killed people with aids that you got from sitting on a public toilet seat. and something about a quilt on the white house lawn.

that's the extent of what "gay" was for the formative years of my existence.

i was married and divorced and 2 kids in before i realize....you know...i only watch girl on girl porn...hmmmm...maybe there's something to that...

i was well into life before i really understood that i'm equally attracted to people of both sexes.

i'm still not even quite sure bi is the right letter for me. i'm more about people i can get along with and have brilliant stimulating connective conversations with more than who has which parts that go where.

but whatever i am, it's been a process to even be ok talking about it.

for the people that still believe you can choose your sexual orientation: HI. HAVE YOU MET ME?

if being gay were a choice? lord love a duck i would have permanently switched teams years ago. spoiler alert: it wasn't a woman that raped me either time. it wasn't a woman that sexually assaulted me. it wasn't a woman grabbing my breasts at work every time they walked by my desk. i wasn't in an abusive marriage with a woman. i have, to this day, never been called a fat fucking cunt by another woman.

on the flip side, how much easier would my life be if i was totally straight? if my kid had never come home telling me he was being raised in a dangerous household because of my sexuality (yes, his youth group really told him that, just a few years ago).

if i was straight i wouldn't have to worry about all the shame stuff in my head for being interested in women. if i was straight i wouldn't have to worry about dating a woman and being attacked for walking down the street together. if i was straight maybe i would be a little less offended by the blatant gay bashing i listen to on the reg because i'm "passable" (nope. i would still be offended as fuck. knock it off ya'll).

what is passable? passable means if you don't know me, you don't know i'm gay.

i have kids. i talk about going on dates with men. i LOOK straight (whatever that means).

i'm passable as straight.

but, obviously, because i popped out a few crib midgets back in the day, LET THE GAY BASHING COMMENCE.

how about we just don't gay bash ANYONE, whether or not we know if they're straight or not.

i'm too gay to be straight and too straight to be gay.

i don't even really belong anywhere. trust: if sexuality was a choice? i sure as fuck wouldn't choose this grey murky ground of barely existing.

if a lesbian finds out i'm bi, they don't want to date me because men are icky.

if a guy finds out i'm bi he thinks he won the golden ticket to endless threesomes from now til the end of time.

don't forget the whole camp of people who think i'm just confused or denying that i'm strictly one or the other.

the last few years i've allowed myself to "be a little gay" outwardly. i talk more about when i go out with women as well as when i go out with men. i have visible pride apparel (thank you popsocket pride edition!), my house is full of rainbows, i have "gay clothes" i wear (my "switch hitter" shirt makes me giggle when people read it and maybe figure it out). for fucks sake, i have a full body rainbow onesie. kinda hard to miss that when i wear it.


this year? i'm just allowing myself to BE.

whatever that means.

if you can't be associated with me anymore? there's the door.

if you accept me "in spite of" who i am? there's the fucking door.

if you accept me. FULL STOP.

hi. welcome to my life.

my wish for everyone this year: may you know who you are early and be proud of it and confident in it, whomever you are. no wasted years.

if your family doesn't understand? find a new one. trust: there's people out there that will accept you. JUST AS YOU ARE.

if you're confused? if it takes you a while to dial it in? hi. i'm almost 40 and still figuring this shit out.

this year: may you find yourself. may you find acceptance. may you find  confidence and peace and joy in living a real authentic life. whatever that looks like to you.

may you have PRIDE in yourself and who you are.

happy one of those letter months ya'll.