choices

i just realized i never finished or posted last week's whisky wednesday post.

it was in the middle of all the news about alabama (among several other states) and their push to cut back (eliminate) abortions.

i processed A LOT while working through the piece i was writing. i was really, really struggling trying to find what to say and how to say it. the piece kept morphing and shifting on me and it never did get finished.

during the process through i realized a few big things, like i finaly noticed the difference language can make. i was raised in a "pro-life" or "not pro-life" town and never heard the word "pro-choice" until well after both my kids were born and i was permanently sterilized via double tubal ligation. full truth: when i finally heard the word "pro-choice" i was SO CONFUSED. THERE'S A THIRD OPTION? no. there's just a horrible, guilt and shame soaked way of saying things or an empowering, educated way of saying things.

i finally noticed the full impact of things like "you have to wait three months before you REALLY know if you're pregnant, you might miscarry." that false hope (and admittedly incredibly twisted hope) of miscarriage pushes any teen girl (or any woman) outside the window of legal abortion.

i finally realized the FULL impact of extremely, EXTREMELY limited sex education. i was in the abstinence only education classes ALL THE WAY through school, yes, even when i was 8 months pregnant.

i processed a LOT of the trauma that went with different aspects of being pregnant at 17, in a small, extremely religious town. like, for instance, how it was ok that i was pregnant to some of the ladies at church because i "...must have been raped, you're not promiscious like that." THAT WAS THE ONLY OPTION. rape or whore. RAPE. OR. WHORE.

not that it matters, but i had sex the very first time in october of 1997. my son was born in july of 1998. that math on that works out to roughly EXACTLY nine months.

i wasn't raped. i wasn't a whore. i was a 17 year old kid denied access to basic birth control, sex education, even the mere existence of abortion.

and that's what really got to me.

all over social media were stories of women struggling with the choice of abortion and whatever path their life took from there.

I NEVER EVEN HAD THE OPTION. abortion wasn't even a word i knew, let alone WHAT it was, where to get one, how to get one (does insurance cover that?).

my life changed FOREVER.

my trajectory altered in one single decision.

because i didn't even know what i didn't know.

to this day, i've never taken birth control. couldn't tell you how it works. by some miracle i made it 5 years after my son was born until i was married and planned my second child. by the time that one was done cooking i knew my marriage was shit and i really, really, REALLY didn't want three babies with three daddy's. two was embarrassing and shameful enough, there was NO WAY i was going to risk a trailer park hat trick. so i asked my doctor to make sure i couldn't have any more babies and he did.

i learned LATER, much after the fact, that because i was under 25, my doctor had to petition the state medical board for me. i don't know how i was lucky enough to be granted permission. maybe it was the domestic violence during my pregnancy. maybe it was my doctor seeing my then husband yelling at me in the delivery room for taking too long to give birth. i don't know how, but i do know that my doctor did a damn good job and 16+ years later the baby factory has remained permanently closed. if i could finalize the decommissioning with a total removal, you bet your ass i would in two shakes of a lambs tail. something about causing early onset menopause at 22 made them not want to do that.

now? BRING ON THE MENOPAUSE. better than dealing with tampons every month.

 
i'm a slightly (just a touch) opinionated person. i study topics. i read both sides. i make informed, careful decisions based on counsel with people in the know, my own research, though and consideration.

and for the biggest decision in my life, the decision that changed EVERYTHING, ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, i was denied that. i was denied the information. i was denied the research. i was denied the opportunity to make a decision.

how many girls now face the same thing?

if you have two choices and you remove one choice you have NO choice left.

how many trajectories are going to change? how many girls are now just...having a baby?

i did get to make a decision about adoption. i wrote in a journal every day during the entire pregnancy. i had letters from families that i read and re-read. i carefully weighed all the options, all the variables. i talked to the families, i discussed parenting and why they wanted to adopt and what it would like like for them with EACH. DIFFERENT. FAMILY. i weighed and measured my decision. i still, to this day, have the letters and the journals and the worksheets.

the decision i WAS allowed to make was a VERY, VERY conscientious, thought out, painfully, painfully decided one.

how different would or could things have been if i had been allowed the same for ALL decisions?

abortion isn't always about rape or incest or failed birth control.

sometimes it's about 17 year old kids that didn't know. they make ONE choice. ONE. and things change forever.

there's no point speculating about what i *would* have done. that's done and gone. that's 21 years ago. there's no point in wondering what life would have been like, how different, the path not taken. there's no shame of "but then your son's wouldn't have been born" because they WERE born.

being mad NOW that i wasn't given a choice THEN doesn't change then.

it sure as fuck makes me want to fight for other women though NOW. it makes me want to grab and shake every person spouting abstinence only teaching. it makes me want to scream in the face of people saying "providing birth control just makes teens have sex." it makes me want take every person saying "what about adoption" and have them read through my journals and the process of making that decision.

mostly, at the end of the day, it makes me want to say WOMEN ARE PEOPLE TOO. we deserve to know about our bodies. we deserve to make fully informed decisions, FOR OURSELVES. we shouldn't have to slit our wrists and bleed out our stories of struggle and decisions and trajectory changes to make people realize...ANY. FUCKING. THING. we deserve education. we deserve the right to make choices for our bodies. =

for all the men saying they are one way or the other about abortion: how many of those statements HAD TO, ABSOLUTELY HAD TO be prefaced with a personal experience? a gut punch of pain and misery to be dissected and weighed in on by everyone, whether they agree or not?

so. there's my whisky wednesday on a monday.

GIVE WOMEN EDUCATION. GIVE WOMEN A CHOICE.

MY BODY. MY FUCKING CHOICE.

when i WAS finally given a choice about birth control?

best decision i ever made.