a new chapter

so. i'm a few weeks post move now. i'm settling in-ish. there's only one box left and its the shit i'm not sure why i packed anyway. still need to hang up artwork and do a few more things in the kitchen, then the decorating is done. i have yet to venture to the laundry room, but that can only last so long. eventually i'll need underwear.

moving was hard. well, moving is always hard. moving sucks. no matter what. rain and third floor REALLY sucks. but i did it, i made it in.

and now i'm there.

and i'm really...there. this is it. this is the start of the new chapter. i am officially an empty nester. i'm done being mom.

and i know, maybe they'll come back in a few years. i don't know. there's a lot of pain and trauma to get over. i'm not sure how to get over being called an iv cocaine user with 5 pimps. that's a hard one.

and if they do come back, it won't be as my kids. those years are over. i'm done momming.  they might come back as young adults, maybe as peers, but the kids part is over.

that's been a shift. it's taken me a while to process that one. it's the only thing i've ever known. i went straight from being a kid to having a kid. i've never lived alone. ever. it's fucking quiet. 

i mean, i've been living alone since november, but now...this is different. this is permanent alone. this is....this is really alone. there's no space for someone else. there's no "used to be" bedroom.

there's just me. and stella. and a tv that i can see from my bed and control with my phone.

that part is kinda great.

and stella and i are settling in. we have a routine going. she's finally figured out the stairs up AND DOWN. not sure how i gained weight after moving in AND carrying her fourty pound backside down the stairs for a week...but i did. yaaaaaaaaaaay (emphasized with all the sarcasm in the world.)

and it's lovely and new to me. and terrifying. and exciting. and i love it. and i'm scared of it.

but here it is. the new chapter. 

it is what i make of it.

and i'm trying. i've been doing things. i've gone out on dates. i've popped out to meet friends for a drink. i've taken stella to brunch and walks at the park and out to the pub.

and i'm writing! look! i'm writing!

a attended a get lit! event last week that really inspired me and kicked my ass. 

there's no excuses left. this is it. this is my chance to BE. 

and i want to take a minute to acknowledge this moment and the power of it. i'm really proud of myself for getting here. i'm working so hard on growing and changing and not listening to the negative voice in my head anymore. and it's fucking hard y'all. but i'm not giving up.

and i really mean that. i'm not giving up.

and i did the move. it was hard but i did it. and i did what i said i was going to do. i downsized. i went through books and movies and closets. i let things go that i've been holding onto FOREVER. the cradle that my dad made me in 1988 for christmas? it has a happy new home with a little girl who LOVES to play with her dolls. the first table i bought that i didn't have to put together myself? my first "grown up" piece of furniture? it's in a happy new home of a young couple that just bought their first house together. there's some things i can't let go of yet...i still have my brother's bowling ball. i don't bowl. it would be to heavy for me if i did, but i kept it anyway. the cedar chest? the insanely heavy cedar chest that has moved with me over 15 times? still hanging on to that one. it was a graduation present from my dad. you can't just let that go. the cheer-leading uniform that doesn't hold any particular happy or good memories? gotta keep that! sure, what used to fit on my itty bitty waist (i swear i was never that small) fits on my THIGH now. ouch. but i'll keep packing the fucking thing around with me and stuffing it in the top of a closet. 

but i did it. i went through things. i purged. i let things go. some things are still a work in progress. but there is progress being made. and that's a good thing. 

so. this is it. this is my new chapter. 

here we go.