whisky wednesdays

i've made myself a deal: whisky wednesdays require writing.

the hardest part for writing, for me, is when there isn't anything in particular scratching to get out.

all the writing advice things and stuff say to just WRITE. to focus. no purpose. just WRITE. get words on a page.

that's all well and good unless you're a crazy person who needs a purpose. you need to be saying SOMETHING. you can't just blather on.

and you REALLY can't post something that's just random blathering. why would i subject anyone to that?

and i know, most of the time it probably seems like that's exactly what i'm doing anyway. just rattling on and on and on like i did when i was a kid and they called me motor-mouth.

shocking revelation, i know.

i was a motor mouth.

but writing...it's different. i feel like i need to have a purpose.

maybe it's like meditation, if you just let all the thoughts wander on by without focusing on any one in particular then you'll be better equipped and have more brain space to handle a big thought when it comes. if it's really that simple i'm going to be SO MAD at myself.

i'm not great at meditating yet. i keep trying. but my brain just doesn't like quiet. i noticed that last week- i don't do quiet well. suuuuuuper great thing to discover just as you're living alone for the first time.

quiet is scary. if there's nothing OUTSIDE to listen to that means you have to listen to INSIDE and inside is where all the dark and scary and hard things are. like feelings. and really, who wants to deal with feelings?

but i'm working on it. fuck. i'm working on everything it seems like lately. there isn't one area that i'm handling well.  everything is an "i'm working on it" which is so. fucking. incredibly. exhausting. can you blame me for shelving the quiet thing as much as possible?

but i am working on it. one day last week was a complete tv free day. music only. it made a big difference. i'm slowly working my way towards maybe an evening of just silence. that seems daunting. i mean, for fucks sake, i even use sleep sounds at night. complete silence? fuuuuuck. what is this? a whoppie goldberg movie? i would make a terrible nun. mostly the silence. but some of the other stuff too.

i did a card reading with one of my best people the other day. long story short, there's massive changes ahead (shocker) and those changes require meditation and a not insignificant amount of thought and listening. because when the universe is trying to get my attention it REALLY tries to get my attention.

not like i'm stubborn or anything.

so. here we go. whisky wednesday writings. my form of meditation. and listening.

or something like that.