you're just not that into him...

so. i have recently decided to venture into the world of dating again. as in honestly putting forth effort and actively trying to find someone to date *ewwww* and perhaps *gag* start a relationship *whole body shiver*

you can tell how well it’s going.

i’ve learned a few things over the years from dinner dates, friends, encounters, twisted and bazaar dreams that ended up not being dreams but completely fucked up reality. i have very little actual “dating” experience. very few people make it part the first date, even less past the second, and only two in history have ever lasted more than a month. so. while it may not be much, i’m passing my hard earned knowledge on to you dear readers. i WISH i could say i was making these up. but i’m not. sadly. horrifically. i’m. not. and i will throw a disclaimer in here: i know that everyone is meant for someone. and i hope these members of the male species found their match eventually. i’m not saying these people were horrible. just horrible for me. and by horrible i mean FUCKED UP. and if I’M saying that…

if you have to pick him up for the date for any reason. BAIL.

if you have to drop him off a few blocks from home so his wife won’t see you. BAIL.

if he has to remove anything before kissing you (think dental bridge work). BAIL.

if he compliments your shoulder blades. BAIL.

if he asks you to do a threesome…but just watch. BAIL.

if he asks you to video tape him with a pregnant lover (who is not you, hell, probably even if it is you). BAIL.

if he has to stop and pay rent. to his mother. BAIL.

if he can’t remember his own name (or the name he gave you). BAIL.

if he’s drunk before he gets there, continues to drink, then wants to go out for a night cap. BAIL.

if world of warcraft comes up at any point during any conversation. BAIL.

if the only picture he can provide is his online avatar. BAIL.

if the only pictures he has are of his car (or boat. or dog. or gun. or atv). BAIL.

if the phrase “so i was talking to my dealer today” comes up. BAIL.

if at any point he cracks a joke using a “game voice”. BAIL.

if he doesn’t look at you once during the evening but can’t keep his eyes off the waitress’ ass. BAIL.

if you have to explain everything you just said using smaller words. BAIL.

if he doesn’t laugh at ANY of your jokes. BAIL.

if he uses the phrase “you know what i mean?” with the eyebrow wiggle. AT ALL. BAIL.

if he makes more than 2 substitutions/changes while ordering. BAIL.

if he suggests skipping dinner and getting “right to the good stuff” on a first date. BAIL.

and, one last one:

if you ever. ever. see him let his pet lick his tongue. GET. THE. FUCK. OUT.