survivors guilt

it seems that more and more tragic events are hitting. a dear friend suffered a devastating blow this week. another had an incredibly close call. maybe it’s simply part of becoming a grown up (in which case i wish i call dibs on playing peter pan FOREVER). maybe it’s simply my time in the karmic cycle of crap. either way, there’s a side effect that i’ve know about, and written about for YEARS, but until today i’ve never put a name to it or really understood what it might be.

a week or so ago i discovered some old journals and read through them. it was something i could have written last week, not 7 years ago. even older journal said the same question over and over: WHY ME? and not why me as in the sad panda, tragic, sad story, why does everything happen to me. but why me as in why did i make it out the other side of the tunnel? what preserved me and let me make it through? what is my greater purpose that’s keeping me on this shit pile we call earth? why hasn’t my cosmic timer dinged yet? i’ve asked the same question over and over. i’ve written about it. and today i researched it a bit- in a twisted, fucked up way (but of course, it is me after all…) i think it’s a form of survivors guilt.

i had a kid at 17. i still graduated high school and went on to graduate from a four year college with an advanced degree. WHY? what made me so different from the other 98% of teem moms that drop out of school to never return? what made me so special that the doors opened up (full ride scholarship) and opportunities were thrown in front of me? what made me decide to take those opportunities?

in the same line- i had a kid at 17. it was an easy, text book pregnancy. delivery was less than text book, but we both made it out healthy with no worries or problems. WHY ME? why was it so easy for me to get knocked up (not even kidding…first time out of the gate kids)? why did i have such an easy unplanned pregnancy when other people have been sick or concerned or worried through the whole nine months? why did i get knocked up the first shot when others have tried for years and done things in the right order (aka not being 17 and single and in high school). why did i get knocked up right away with BOTH my kids when people like my SIL had to suffer through several miscarriages? what made my uterus so magical and fertile? why were mine so healthy and boring when others barely (or not at all) make it through?

what made me be able to walk away from an abusive marriage in one piece when others can not and have not made it out? what made it so easy for me to get an incredible job that i’m still at 10 years later? why have other friends had such a hard time getting good work and i just fell into mine? what has kept me (knock on wood) in such good health over the years when other people have had to battle through cancer, sickness, health problems? what has allowed me to be successful in life where i can support my family on one income when so many others are barely scraping by on two? what has moved me to this point in my life?

some of it is just my own damn hard work. some of it is luck. some of it is genetics. i’d have to say all those combined together equal about 5% of why i am where i am today. the other 95% is that there is some greater cosmic purpose to my life. BUT I CAN’T FUCKING FIGURE IT OUT. there is a reason i had my son early. there is a reason i stayed in school. there is a reason my health and well being has been preserved. i believe i am mean for something. my kids are meant for something. we have something that is yet to be accomplished in this life. but yet knowing that doesn’t erase the guilt. that doesn’t make me feel any better about making it this far. it makes me feel bad that other people completed their purpose early on. it makes me feel guilty that i haven’t figured mine out yet. ok. pause for a moment. i call bullshit on what i just said. i DON’T think everyone gets to complete their purpose. i look at all the missing people around and i can’t see their purpose. i can’t see what they accomplished or did to deserve to be taken this early. they didn’t get their full time here. how can an infant that has never drawn a breath have completed his time here? how can a precious helluva fighter 8 month old baby girl have done all she was born to do? how could either of the mothers lost at the same time have accomplished what they were here to do? it’s BULLSHIT. there is no reason for their leaving. which makes it even harder to be left behind. they were both amazing women. both perfectly innocent children. what made them be taken before me- the fuck up? what justice is there in that?

there’s just SO MUCH anger and guilt. i want to know why. i want to know why i’ve been left here and why i’ve made it. why have i been spared? what is my greater purpose? what am i here to do? how can i earn my spot in this small patch of universe?

if anyone has the answers…