disney movies...from my perspective:

ok kids. the olympics are on, so its time for reruns...i originally wrote these blogs back in 2006...just a while ago...so they'll probably be new to almost all of you. i did a set of three blogs on disney movies- my take on them anyway. the blogs, as they are, are not "original"...they've been cleaned up and edited a bit due to time lapse and a surprising lack of editing the first time around. i've also combined them into one post. finally, the original blogs had pictures...but i'm too lazy to look them all up again, you you have to suffer with just text. i'm sure you'll get over it. ***warning: just got done combining them and it gets LONG. if you want to read it all at once, clear a little time...guess there's a reason it was three blogs to start***

1st up was DUMBO: bought this movie for my kids but then while watching it with them wondering if that was such a smart move. dumbo really IS NOT a kids movie! lesson #1 for parents: never EVER defend your kids: you'll be thrown in jail forever. that poor mother! everyone was hashing on her brand new baby and she tried to stick up for him and BAM. jail. locked up. poked with sticks. made fun of by obnoxious children. just let your kids get trashed on instead. teaches them character anyway, right? lesson #2 for everyone: don't drink with clowns. i knew they were freaky bastards to start out with, but really...what they hell were they drinking? and have you ever noticed how much they were drinking? i mean, really...whatever it was they were drinking was enough to get a fucking elephant toasted! enough for said elephant to end up in a tree! and an elephant weighs, what, close to three times most humans? and those clowns couldn't get enough! those are some sick freaks with some seriously damaged livers! i knew i hated clowns for a reason! lesson #3 for parents: exploit your children. when they hit it big because of some freak talent they discover during a drunken binge you can laugh at all the other people and get the best car on the train. become instantly famous off your kids and milk it for all it's worth!

next up: PINOCCHIO: what's wrong with pinocchio? cute little wooden boy just wants to be a real boy, fucks up a few times along the way, happy ending with the little family all back together...awwww...warm and fuzzy...then you look back at the beginning: creepy old toy maker wants a little boy of his own. i mean REALLY creepy old guy. little tiny dark shop on a back street that you never seen anyone in but him. he creates a little boy, and the first thing he does? tucks the kid in bed with himself. does that freak anyone else out? did they have sex offender lists back then? i would have run away the first day too if i was that little puppet. who knows what happened that first night! keep runnin kid...the whale may have been the best option! finally: don't trust anyone with "honest" in their name...chances are they aren't what they say they are. uh huh, that's right, captian obvious reminded me of that one. i mean really- if some talking animal tells you his name is honest john, don't waste time talking back to him, just pack his ass up and sell him to the zoo...talking animals go for quite a bit i hear...

next on the hit list: ROBIN HOOD. could be one of my favorite kids movies. great lessons: lesson number one: it's okay to steal whatever you want as long as it's from an asshole that sucks his thumb: cold hard cash, jewelry, solid gold hubcaps...take it all as long as the guy is a jerk and whines like a little baby. lesson number two: you can get away with any crime as long as you marry into the right family. all the theft mentioned above plus breaking and entering, impersonating an officer, assault on an officer, prison break...yeah, got away with it all by marrying the kings sister. GOOD MOVE. which makes me wonder...why aren't there ever any first sons? there are tons of presidential daughters that make the news, where's all the boys at? until they legalize gay marriage, i'm screwed on the pardon issue. damn. anywho, on to lesson number three: you can pull off lesson number one and two only if you're HOT. i will totally confess right here: i have a lil crush on ol' rob. great shirt tucked in just right, always well groomed even though he lives in the woods, in great physical shape (let's see you climb a castle wall with no hand grips!), always helping someone, and knows how to treat a lady right- flowers, kissing the hand, he's a regular charmer! smooth talker, fast thinker, can get out of any scrape...you notice little john never got the chick...just sayin is all...

moving on...after a moment...mmmmm...robin hood....HOT.

ok. moving on: POCAHONTAS: there's some great history lessons in this one...namely: history lesson number one: you can do whatever you want, and no one will know the truth once it's out on disney. seriously. disney will cut out the gruesome parts, throw in a few cute and cuddly woodland creatures, have a few celebrities record a sound track, and you. are. golden! disney did such a wonderful mop up job on this one. one of the worst tragedy's in american history came out sparkling cute and clean. forget the rape and mass murder and stealing of land. we'll just edit that part out, change it to a love story...throw in a cheeky raccoon and BAM. whole new american history. bright and shiny. imagine what they could do with a few others: the holocaust...throw in a couple singing german shepards, maybe a singing nun with a few unruly children here and there, cut out all the starvation, oppression, entire generation being descimated, death camps (maybe make them a "summer camp" and presto...disney quality movie. why not redo vietnam? add a few cute monkeys swinging from tropical trees in a lush green jungle, replace all the soldiers with the plastic soldiers from toy story, and don't forget how "in" camo is right now, costumes will be a smashing success, record a song or two with a good "jungle beat", , and there you go, kid friendly disney movie with outfits everyone will just have to have. marketing success and spit shined history all in one. SHA BAM.


**this was a break in the original blog. next was titled: what i learned from disney women**

first up: SLEEPING BEAUTY: where do you start with this one? i think that bitch got what she deserved...okay, maybe not what she deserved, but her parents were elitist assholes and got what they deserved! that poor "witch"! how would you feel if you were the ONLY person not invited to the baby shower? just because she's a middle aged single woman with no children of her own is no reason to call her a witch! i think she was the smartest one there! plus, she was probably just pissed off...changes are she was dating the king before his wife swooped in and stole him or something like that. they never show the back story. maybe she was just different than the rest of them...didn't want to be a soccer mom with a crappy sweater-set. i mean she was HOT!! why give that up just to fit in with all the other royalty? whatever the case, she should NOT have been neglected from the invite list. i would have been mad too. maybe arurora's parent should have paid a little more attention to miss manners. would it have really killed them just send an invite? for all they knew she could have had a previous engagement and not been able to make it...but no, they had to piss her off and then look what happened! you know the saying about a woman scorned, right? as to aruora herself...that bitch had it fucking easy. not one day of manual labor in her entire life. the one time she even gets close to doing something domestic she has to sleep it off for a hundred years...and you KNOW she played on that for the rest of her marriage to that poor sap: "honey, can you do the dishes tonight? remember what happened last time i tried to work..." and i'm sure she wasn't a beauty for very long...once the fairy magic wore off i bet it was a completely different story. i mean really, it took three fairies with magic wands to get her ready for the party. i'm SO not going to stress about taking five minutes in the morning by myself anymore. i mean three fairies...that's just two short of queer eye, and those boys don't even have magic wands! also important to remember, if he's really a prince, a little morning breath every now and again won't really matter. can you imagine one hundred years of morning breath? and he had to kiss her good enough to wake her lazy ass up!

CINDERELLA: blondes really do have more fun, don't they? the prince didn't even look at any of the other girls at the ball. the minute that fake bottle blonde walked in to the party he was in it head over heels (maybe just one glass heel...). what i want to know is what really happened that night? why was he so intent on finding her after just one dance and a little patio time? did she jack his wallet while they were dancing? was there a little more to that patio time than they showed? did he get a bad blood screen back after that night? i have a REALLY hard time believing a guy would go through all that trouble, out searching all night just to return a shoe. and lets not forget that she's another one of those girls that it took a fairy godmother with some heavy magic to get her ready for the party...and even with all that heavy magic it lasted what, four, five hours?? if that? lets see...i'm guessing the dance started around 8, add an hour for her to make her "fashionably late" entrance...puts her there at 9...DAMN...three hours for that magic to wear off. ha ha bitch...my fucking maybelline lasts all day! suck that! and just i have to say i'm on the side of the stepsisters when it comes to the whole dress thing. now i've never had sisters myself, but from what i hear swiping things from each others closet without asking is a serious offense...you just don't go there. and then to wear it right in front of them with the intent of stealing the guy they're crushing on...that's fucked up!! i say they let her off easy! a broken leg or two would have kept her home for the night!

SNOW WHITE: now, i will give this girl props: it didn't take a team of magic wands to get her all prettied up. she was the fairest one of all just by nature (although someone really should have warned her about using red of a lipstick with pale skin. i'm just sayin is all...). so her step-mom gets jealous and tries to kill her. i feel for ya sister...been there, done that (well, not the try and kill part, but my step mom was horrible too). chick runs away from home- good thinking, get out of the situation. but then what does she do? moves in with seven strange men (strange in the fact that she didnt know them). not only that, the FIRST seven men she runs across. doesn't even attempt to go it on her own. one of those chicks that always has to be with someone. lame. at least she worked for her keep...she wasn't a freeloading guest. not so great, but better than the others so far. but then the truth comes out: she's freaking anorexic. no wonder she's all willowy and slender with such pale skin. she was starving herself the whole time. when she did eat, she only ate one tiny bite of an apple. she didn't choke. she fucking passed out from lack of food. you know if she'd a bite of a big ol greasy burger once in a while none of the whole "oh...i'm dead" drama would have happened. and really, who takes fruit from some creepy old lady wandering around in the woods? shouldn't there have been a little warning bell going off? hmm...creepy old lady, wandering around the woods with obvious dementia, offering fruit that heaven only knows how old it is or where it's been...plus, it's fruit (don't even get me started on how evil fruit is). that's what you get for being all ohhh...i can only take a small bite of fruit. like those fucking bitches that go out to dinner to only order a leaf of lettuce and a glass of ice water. fuck you. eat some real food. if she'd been eating properly you know she would have just finished eating breakfast and not been starving- craving some form of food enough to make her take the apple. just like i say about all the models out there...if they'd just eat a cheeseburger we'd all be happier!! and how "heroic" was that prince anyway? just the first guy that happened along and had a glucose pack on him or whatever. can you imagine the brain damage after not being passed out that long? and i'm sure she wasn't smelling all that great after being stuffed in a glass box out in the woods for however long it took for that guy to show up.

movin' on: LADY AND THE TRAMP: just goes to show you that we all need our bad-boy fix or have to go see what's on the "other side of the tracks" at some point in our lives. and yes, some of us are unlucky enough to get "caught" when we cross paths with the scoundrel. it can even happen to the prissiest, most cultured, park avenue chicks too. at least lady was lucky enough though to rope (guilt) her tramp into sticking around and taking responsibility for his actions. this movie was great for the premarital sex debate. and in a disney movie to boot. hell yes you should test drive that tramp before you lock him up forever! at least they did attempt to scare young girls with the threat of getting knocked up and having to bear the shame and whispers of the other people know what's going on. tried to make it seem like a bad thing for a moment. it was funny how they threw in the sacrificial marriage proposal to make it better (even though he was really old and creepy and we knew she wouldn't go for it). also as a lesson: lady's people didn't kick her out of the house when they found out she was all knocked up. they were really cool about it...doesn't always end badly. finally, just a tip to prego people (or people with new babies): don't ignore your old friends...otherwise they'll get jealous and have to run out and get knocked up with the first tramp they can find just to get a little sympathy and attention. this whole thing could have been avoided if jim and darling had just paid a little more attention when the brat came on scene.

**almost done, hang in there. part three was shorter. here it is. oh...and also...prepare for a shift...part three was GOOD things about disney...seriously...GOOD things. i know. i still can't believe i did a post like that**

first happy movie: FOX AND THE HOUND: besides being absolutely in love with the two main characters (how can you not smile when you hear: "my name's copper, i'm a houng dog awoo woo woo") this is one of my favorite movies because of the simple lesson that it teaches: two completely opposite characters that are supposed to hate each other just because "that's how it is" turn out to be best friends. copper is not only supposed to HATE todd, he's supposed to hunt him down and kill him. happily, friendship prevails and these two stick it out even though everything is against them. guess it just makes me think about me and my small little circle of friends: some of us couldn't be more different when it comes to politics, religion, "look", upbringing- you name it we're different. but we still found enough common thread to be friends. i was raised to be an uuber religious, completely conservative republican (have fortunately overcome most of that). i have had to learn that there's a whole world of amazing people out there and if you hate them all just because "that's the way it is" then you're missing out on SO much. hopefully my kids will learn acceptance and tolerance from me and have a whole array of friends and people to enrich their time here, not just a small elite circle.

LION KING: real simple: listen to the crazy one. sometimes the craziest one is the one who has the best grip on things and really knows what's up.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: a couple from this one: number 1: SMART GIRLS ARE HOT!! you can read books can still be damn sexy and fall in love and end up with a prince! number 2: it's never okay to be bullied or yelled at. a girl that can stand up for herself and refuse to be treated that way. major kudos to belle for standing up to a fucking ginormous raging beast that was all up on it, yelling and screaming at her, chucking her dad out of the castle, trying to tell her what to do. that took major moxy! belle has some major balls! respect is everything, if he doesn't give it to you gals get the fuck out! it may be scary as hell out in the wild woods, but it will end up well!

JUNGLE BOOK: goes back to one of those old cheesy quotes that we've all heard: dance like no one is watching. baloo gets his groove on no matter what's going on. and he's the happiest one in the whole story! just goes to show that it doesn't matter what size you are, put on that grass skirt and coconuts and shake it if ya got it! if you're comfortable with yourself, and the music is rockin, get off your ass and shake it!! never take life too seriously, let the music completely take you over once in a while. you do still have to remember that serious side that's out there and pay attention to it. we all need a bagheera to balance out our baloo, but we NEED BOTH. life is about balance. find a friend, a partner, whomever it is that completes you and help each other out!

one final one: PETER PAN: i am SO on tinkerbell's side in the whole wendy vs tink issue. that poor little pixy has put up with peter's "i'm not ready to grow up and be responsible" bullshit for how long? she sat around patiently waiting for him to finally pull his head out of his ass and realize what's waiting right in front of him, then out of no where this wendy bitch pops up and suddenly peter is all ooo...look at me, i'm a grown up and i'm in charge of all these lost boys, and just watch me protect/save everyone. WHATEVS. tink put in all that time and patience waiting just to have some bitch steal him out from right under her. we've all had that guys that keep saying he's "just not ready for a commitment". what happens? as soon as you get sick of his little boy act he runs out and marries the next bitch that comes along. i think tink was too fucking easy on wendy. i'm waiting for the celebrity death match showdown between those two...

**okay. that's all of them. aren't you glad you stuck around to the end? yeah...sorry about that. you can hate me now.**