light bulbs

well. once again i’ve run out of time to do much more than brain vomit and hope it makes some kind of sense. tax return should be deposited soon…then maybe i can actually buy a computer for my house…then i’ll have all sorts of time!

ANYWAY. not enough time for babble. i wanted to vomit out a few big break thrus i’ve had the last few days…pretty big ones really…here we go:

my brother called on wednesday to see about stopping by this weekend on their way through town. he asked if he could take my boys to lunch with my mum and stepdad who will be in town later in the day to see them. my answer, of course, was not only no, but HELL NO. my thought was: when hell freezes over AND the devil is crowned prom queen of a south texas high school AND the jersey shore show on mtv is shown to increase the intelligence of viewers THEN they can go. but since my brother is easily offended, i kept it at NO. and he, of course, questioned me several times which not only frustrated me beyond all reason, but also made me question myself and the decision, AND made me feel the family rift once again. it hurt. so much. i made my decision when it all first came to light. i will not waiver. it is for the protection of my children. i will never compromise their protection. and he questioned: well, i’ll be there…can’t they go if i’m supervising? NO. which part of NO is so fucking hard to understand? and it didn’t occur to me later, but i should have asked him: what if i went to airway heights and had a sex offender paroled for the day…just for lunch? would you let me take YOUR kids to lunch with him? i’d be there supervising…of course. i’m guessing his answer would be no also. doesn’t he get that it’s the same situation? it IS the exact same situation minus the jail time. I WILL NOT LET MY CHILDREN BE AROUND AN ABUSER. period. done. quit asking me to.

also in the past he’s mentioned: “but the kids seem fine around him…they don’t act scared at all.” this question really bothered me. i wondered at times if i was wrong, if i was going over kill…until last night when it clicked: I’M GLAD THEY’RE NOT SCARED. that mean i caught the problems while it was still in the grooming stage before any actual scarring abuse happened. I’M GLAD THERE’S NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF (for them). i would rather know they’re protected and safe and it was caught early before any permanent damage was done than to look back later and wonder why i didn’t hold my ground. my little spawn was young. he didn’t know what he was saying or why it was bad. BUT I DID. i knew what it meant and where it was headed. i have no questions to this day that all the signs were there and he would have been hurt. i have no question he was being groomed for abuse. i was able to pull him away from the flame before he got burned. AND I’M GLAD. no i won’t risk letting them near enough for it to happen again. are you fucking crazy?

but at the same time, it hurts because it’s driving a wedge in my family. and it kills me. i just lost my brother. i’ve lost my mom in a different way. my older brother and my dad are all i have left. and i’m losing that brother too. i’m losing what little family i have. and i’m just getting to know my dad. so it feels like i have no family at all. and it’s killing me. it hurts so much. and i don’t have an answer for this one yet, but at least i understand why i dread my brother’s calls. i know there will be a problem. i know the wedge is getting bigger and bigger. i know there’s nothing i can do, besides compromising my kids, to make it go away. and it’s seriously killing me. this week went to shit wednesday after his call, and i’m still trying to pull it back together. i HATE this feeling. i hate being alone. and now i’m beyond alone. no partner OR family. there’s this HUGE GAPING HOLE in me and i can’t fix it.

and people wonder why i’m depressed.