ok kids. here it is. MY ONE MONTH SLACKIVERSARY!
yes. it’s true. i have officially been sitting on my ass for a full month. and my couch has the dent to prove it.
i haven’t done much. obviously i haven’t been writing. at all. i spent a good portion of time watching ugly betty from the beginning. all four seasons. i am now approximately half the intelligence i was a month ago. seriously! that show was a train wreck. i had to keep watching even though i loathed myself for doing so. more than once the following thought passed through my mind: WANT. TO. PUNCH. TV. it’s a good thing i was lazy enough to never actually move from my couch to do said punching. i like my tv. the horrible show wasn’t it’s fault!
so. besides getting caught up on terrible tv on netflix, what else have i done?
have i started working out like i vowed? not so much. have i started writing the books i want to get out of my head? not even a word. have i been in the classrooms at school? well, actually, YES. a bit. teaching an “exploratory” on fridays at the oldest sons school for an hour each friday. teaching a class full of 9-12 year olds crochet. yes, i am that stupid. dear god i hate other people’s children. now wait, that’s not fair. MOST of the class is ok/tolerable. it’s those other few though- oh those other few. and i feel bad because i recognize them- the socially awkward girl stuck in braces/glasses that thinks the stranger she acts the more people will pay attention to her and therefore like her...NOT SO MUCH HONEY. the boy who likes the girl but thinks being mean to her is a better idea. the “i’m too smart even for the smart school” girl that i want to punch in the face. BUT, i tell myself it’s only a few weeks, they’re learning something new, i’m in his school even if he’s not in my class, AND HE LIKES that i’m teaching a class. so. as long as he likes having me on the school grounds i guess it’s all ok.
i HAVE been reading. not quite the full month of it like i planned (stupid ugly betty!), but i have been reading. if you haven’t heard of kate furnival, go look her up and read her books NOW. historicalish novels based in russia at the fall of the romanov era- REALLY well written. the books of the bizzare (there’s two of them now) are fun and interesting to read through quickly. all sorts of facts you never knew you needed to know. LOVE them. did you know when an octopus gets stressed they will eat their own tentacles? see? things you need to know! nikki sixx biography: AMAZING. slash’s biography? OBNOXIOUS. made me want to punch him in his stupid top hat. shit my dad says? hilarious and well written. i hope they serve beer in hell? PEE YOUR PANTS funny. and obnoxious. makes you want to junk punch and jump tucker max’s bones all at the same time. full of the stupidest things any boy could ever think to do, the worst ways to EVER treat women, the most offensive references to women, having sex with them, ways to describe them, and i’m peeing my pants through all of it. now i HAVE to watch the movie. i have a stack of 14 more books to read and more being delivered by barnes and noble any day now. basically: don’t expect me to do anything real any time soon.
oh. and there’s boys. of course there’s boys. you didn’t think i would completely let you down did you?
where to start? biggest train wreck first? or the creepiest? then there’s the two that i promised i would never speak of. so. this is me not speaking of them. now you’re curious...right? too bad. i keep my promises. oh. and then there’s the worst of all: a good one. *sigh*
ok. creepiest first: guy popped up on plenty of fish via email. seemed mostly normal. emailed back and forth a few times, then he popped up on instant messenger (the site has it’s own messenger). this is all in the time span of about 20 minutes. so we’re instant messaging, he’s kinda getting my jokes, isn’t at all what i would seriously consider, but at the same time isn’t completely obnoxious. yet. out of the blue he’s all: I’M COMING TO SEE YOU. started asking which bar i wanted to meet at for a drink. umm...wow. run away freight train anyone? even better? HE LIVES IN TRICITIES. it’s 9 at night, i’ve been talking to him for about 30 minutes, the weather is SHIT, and he decided he wants to drive up to spokane to have a drink. we went from zero to FREAK ALERT in about 30 seconds. no, it wasn’t flattering, it was creepy. i kept trying to think of way to put him off, the roads are bad, i have to get up early for car pool, no, i really didn’t want to go out for a drink. or food. OR ANYTHING. but this guy just wasn’t getting it. allegedly (my crystal ball is on the fritz, so i didn’t actually SEE anything to prove it was true) he got into his rig and started heading this way. then he realized (allegedly) how bad the roads actually were, turned around, and emailed that he wasn’t coming but wanted to meet on the weekend at a bar in davenport that his friend owns. now. do i know if he actually got in his truck and started driving? no. could have been a big show to try to impress me (ummm...FAIL). could have been a bathroom break. no idea. but suffice to say, i was RELIEVED. would i have actually met up with him if he had come to town? scary to say, but yes. i have this odd guilt thing about shit like that. if he had spent 2.5 hours driving here in shit weather, i would have at least met him for a drink. in a VERY public place. with several friends (and the police) on standby. luckily that was the last i heard of him save a few follow up emails that weren’t returned. oh, and there was this whole bit about how he expected me to dress up for him (still not sure what he meant by that), the whole racist/homophobe comments he kept dropping, and the creepy way he kept saying he couldn’t wait to get me in his hot tub. ew.
guy #2: oh my. T.R.A.I.N. W.R.E.C.K. younger kid: mistake #1. he’s a 25ish punk kid that is every kind of messed up you can imagine. first, let’s start with his profile: two of his pictures are of him smoking, neither shows him in a particularly good mood. or even a recent lingering good mood. then there’s his catchy “about me”: Well i like all kinds of things. videogames, camping, traveling anything really. I am going to SCC to get my AA and then after that im going to move on to Eastern to do something with history.
wow. all those details. so much information. “all kinds of things.” what more does a girl need to know? oh just wait...HE HAS A SON. normally not a big deal until you hear the story: he knocked up his parents cleaning gal: “...she said she couldn’t get pregnant. or at least she hadn’t since her last kid who is 9.”
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? a girl with multiple kids, the youngest is 9 and she hasn’t gotten knocked up again, so suddenly she “can’t” get prego and you fall for it? and you reproduced from that shockingly shallow gene pool? thank you for lowering the future iq of america even further.
now. here’s the rest of the gory details: he’s 26, lives at home with his parents because he DOESN’T WANT TO WORK (i mean, he’s in college. work AND college are just too hard you know). not only does his live at home with his parents, he happened to mention that he sleeps on a mattress on the floor because it’s just not worth paying money for a bed. ooo...think of all the lucky girls that get dragged back to that patch of floor. he’s thought it would be cool to tell me that he’s been on plenty of fish for a while now and has contacted EVERY. SINGLE. GIRL. on the site. he goes for the shotgun effect: if he emails ALL of them, then at least SOME of them are bound to respond. seriously? that’s your dating philosophy? aim for them all and go for the ones that actually respond? oh.my.god.
just when you think it can’t get any better: he tells me about growing up. he was out on his own at 14 renting an apartment with his manager from wendy’s. ok- that kinda sucks. kinda start to feel bad for him. don’t worry, didn’t last long. right after that he launches into how that started him moving around to all different cities all the time. pattern went like this: abandon current apartment, move to a new city, live in a homeless shelter for a few weeks, hit up all the local charities for help, get a job, get an apartment (furnished by said charities), get tired of said city, abandon apartment, repeat.
some would find this resourceful and creative and hippie erotic. i find it a pathetic way to live, sucking resources from people who will actually use them to set up a REAL life, and a creepy way of probably hiding from more things than i want to know about. like this little jewel: he’s an excellent store robber. never been caught. he has a great gut instinct that lets him know when shits going to hit the fan so he can get out early. excellent. he’s the best convenience store robber in all the land. how could a girl possibly feel any more lucky? oh, but she can.
as if the illegitimate merry maid in training wasn’t enough, or the bouncing from homeless shelter to homeless shelter, OR the prolific robbery career, there’s also his magical way with words. “hey punk, send me some shower pictures.” how can a girl possibly resist that? “you need to bring me a sandwich and a blow job.” what the fucking fuck makes you think i would even piss on you if you were on fire, let alone get you a sandwich and a blow job? “what are you up to? i should slap you.” umm...how is this even remotely a conversation starter? do girls find the offer of getting slapped attractive?
just for shits and giggles (and because i knew it would be good writing material), we went out for a drink (i told you i had to see it in person). the bar closed early but he didn’t want to go home (oh yeah, did i mention? he doesn’t have a car, you have to drive to his parents house and pick him up for such a blessed event). i’m not quite through being entertained by this train wreck, so we try to figure out something to do. he wants to go to the strip club because he TOTALLY knows how to play all the strippers- i mean they’re just dumb bitches and he’s totally figured out their game. *PAUSE* strike 902 asshole. you’re not fooling anyone. i know several of those girls and i would NEVER, EVER, EVER expose them intentionally to an ass wipe like you. you are fucked in the head if you think you know how to “trick” them into anything. on behalf of all the darling girls that i know that are 900 times more brave than i am for working at the clubs and putting up with the assholes like you, GO TO FUCKING HELL for even thinking that way about them. *UNPAUSE* nope, wait, *PAUSE AGAIN* i want to junk punch your defective baby maker so hard that your tonsils are replaced with your balls and then run you over with my car 47 and half times for the way you talk about them. assholes like you should be branded on the forehead so the bouncers will recognize you on site and never let you near my girls. EVER. *UNPAUSE*
i politely decline the strip club suggestion and decide instead to take him to the castle. now. if you don’t know, the castle is an “adult mega store.” read: costco of sex toys. i have this theory that you’ll learn all you need to know about a guy by the way he acts in an adult store. you’ll find out what he makes fun of, how comfortable he is with himself, and possibly get a preview of the inner freak. THIS GUY: classic. awkwardly making fun of the different games. showing disgust at several of the toys (most of which i already have at home in my toybox), trying to impress me with all his high school sexual antics (so, i was at this party and was really smashed and all the bedrooms were filled, so i fucked a girl on the couch in front of everyone. umm...EW). like there weren’t already enough strikes against him from the whole night, and all the things he was making fun of, he had the gall, the fucked up audacity, to make fun of pin up girls. there were several books sitting out- vintage bettie page, suicide girls, other pin up models and pictures and he was talking about how stupid they were and how they’re not sexy at all. they’re boring to look at. i’m sorry, WHAT? might not seem like a big thing in the overall count of him splendidly striking out, but you’re talking to a girl that’s about to get a pin up girl tattooed on her body. i think they are GORGEOUS. the vintage girls are the most beautiful example of the way women SHOULD be- curvy, confident, and damn sexy- they made those old neck to knee swim suits look hotter than any micro bikini i’ve ever seen. *le sigh* so. we have: making fun of sex toys that i own, making fun of one of the things i find stunningly sexy, AND bragging about possibly the most degrading sexcapade i’ve ever heard of. yup. i think i learned PLENTY from this trip. THAT will never get near me. EVER.
all for you kids. well, partly because there’s nothing like seeing a good train wreck in person, but more because there’s nothing like being able to share that train wreck later with other people.
now. the other boy. um. well. let’s put it this way, my darling friend across the mountains has yet to miss a prediction about the men i meet. he NAILS IT every single time. knows exactly how the train wreck is going to happen, when, and where. he has yet to make i mistake or incorrectly predict the male flight patterns in and out of my life. his prediction on this one? i believe it went something like this: “he’s in it for the long haul.”
even typing that made me take an hour long break. not even kidding. wow. “long haul” what the eff is that?
i don’t even know what to make of that. i mean. long haul? strange thing is, i can kinda see it. and i think i’m kinda ready for it. especially after the last year- it would be nice to have some semblance of belonging again. and yes, i realize that’s not a reason to...whatever...long haul it with someone, but it’s something. it’s a start.
wow. mood swing much? i blame netflix. went from a comedy to a dramedy. totally changed the blog. sorry kids. shouldn’t write and watch at the same time. anytwaddle. it’s time to get back to my busy schedule of nothing. SOMEONE has to be a professional slacker and today that someone is ME. so. happy one month slackiversary!
yes. it’s true. i have officially been sitting on my ass for a full month. and my couch has the dent to prove it.
i haven’t done much. obviously i haven’t been writing. at all. i spent a good portion of time watching ugly betty from the beginning. all four seasons. i am now approximately half the intelligence i was a month ago. seriously! that show was a train wreck. i had to keep watching even though i loathed myself for doing so. more than once the following thought passed through my mind: WANT. TO. PUNCH. TV. it’s a good thing i was lazy enough to never actually move from my couch to do said punching. i like my tv. the horrible show wasn’t it’s fault!
so. besides getting caught up on terrible tv on netflix, what else have i done?
have i started working out like i vowed? not so much. have i started writing the books i want to get out of my head? not even a word. have i been in the classrooms at school? well, actually, YES. a bit. teaching an “exploratory” on fridays at the oldest sons school for an hour each friday. teaching a class full of 9-12 year olds crochet. yes, i am that stupid. dear god i hate other people’s children. now wait, that’s not fair. MOST of the class is ok/tolerable. it’s those other few though- oh those other few. and i feel bad because i recognize them- the socially awkward girl stuck in braces/glasses that thinks the stranger she acts the more people will pay attention to her and therefore like her...NOT SO MUCH HONEY. the boy who likes the girl but thinks being mean to her is a better idea. the “i’m too smart even for the smart school” girl that i want to punch in the face. BUT, i tell myself it’s only a few weeks, they’re learning something new, i’m in his school even if he’s not in my class, AND HE LIKES that i’m teaching a class. so. as long as he likes having me on the school grounds i guess it’s all ok.
oh. and there’s boys. of course there’s boys. you didn’t think i would completely let you down did you?
where to start? biggest train wreck first? or the creepiest? then there’s the two that i promised i would never speak of. so. this is me not speaking of them. now you’re curious...right? too bad. i keep my promises. oh. and then there’s the worst of all: a good one. *sigh*
ok. creepiest first: guy popped up on plenty of fish via email. seemed mostly normal. emailed back and forth a few times, then he popped up on instant messenger (the site has it’s own messenger). this is all in the time span of about 20 minutes. so we’re instant messaging, he’s kinda getting my jokes, isn’t at all what i would seriously consider, but at the same time isn’t completely obnoxious. yet. out of the blue he’s all: I’M COMING TO SEE YOU. started asking which bar i wanted to meet at for a drink. umm...wow. run away freight train anyone? even better? HE LIVES IN TRICITIES. it’s 9 at night, i’ve been talking to him for about 30 minutes, the weather is SHIT, and he decided he wants to drive up to spokane to have a drink. we went from zero to FREAK ALERT in about 30 seconds. no, it wasn’t flattering, it was creepy. i kept trying to think of way to put him off, the roads are bad, i have to get up early for car pool, no, i really didn’t want to go out for a drink. or food. OR ANYTHING. but this guy just wasn’t getting it. allegedly (my crystal ball is on the fritz, so i didn’t actually SEE anything to prove it was true) he got into his rig and started heading this way. then he realized (allegedly) how bad the roads actually were, turned around, and emailed that he wasn’t coming but wanted to meet on the weekend at a bar in davenport that his friend owns. now. do i know if he actually got in his truck and started driving? no. could have been a big show to try to impress me (ummm...FAIL). could have been a bathroom break. no idea. but suffice to say, i was RELIEVED. would i have actually met up with him if he had come to town? scary to say, but yes. i have this odd guilt thing about shit like that. if he had spent 2.5 hours driving here in shit weather, i would have at least met him for a drink. in a VERY public place. with several friends (and the police) on standby. luckily that was the last i heard of him save a few follow up emails that weren’t returned. oh, and there was this whole bit about how he expected me to dress up for him (still not sure what he meant by that), the whole racist/homophobe comments he kept dropping, and the creepy way he kept saying he couldn’t wait to get me in his hot tub. ew.
guy #2: oh my. T.R.A.I.N. W.R.E.C.K. younger kid: mistake #1. he’s a 25ish punk kid that is every kind of messed up you can imagine. first, let’s start with his profile: two of his pictures are of him smoking, neither shows him in a particularly good mood. or even a recent lingering good mood. then there’s his catchy “about me”: Well i like all kinds of things. videogames, camping, traveling anything really. I am going to SCC to get my AA and then after that im going to move on to Eastern to do something with history.
wow. all those details. so much information. “all kinds of things.” what more does a girl need to know? oh just wait...HE HAS A SON. normally not a big deal until you hear the story: he knocked up his parents cleaning gal: “...she said she couldn’t get pregnant. or at least she hadn’t since her last kid who is 9.”
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? a girl with multiple kids, the youngest is 9 and she hasn’t gotten knocked up again, so suddenly she “can’t” get prego and you fall for it? and you reproduced from that shockingly shallow gene pool? thank you for lowering the future iq of america even further.
now. here’s the rest of the gory details: he’s 26, lives at home with his parents because he DOESN’T WANT TO WORK (i mean, he’s in college. work AND college are just too hard you know). not only does his live at home with his parents, he happened to mention that he sleeps on a mattress on the floor because it’s just not worth paying money for a bed. ooo...think of all the lucky girls that get dragged back to that patch of floor. he’s thought it would be cool to tell me that he’s been on plenty of fish for a while now and has contacted EVERY. SINGLE. GIRL. on the site. he goes for the shotgun effect: if he emails ALL of them, then at least SOME of them are bound to respond. seriously? that’s your dating philosophy? aim for them all and go for the ones that actually respond? oh.my.god.
just when you think it can’t get any better: he tells me about growing up. he was out on his own at 14 renting an apartment with his manager from wendy’s. ok- that kinda sucks. kinda start to feel bad for him. don’t worry, didn’t last long. right after that he launches into how that started him moving around to all different cities all the time. pattern went like this: abandon current apartment, move to a new city, live in a homeless shelter for a few weeks, hit up all the local charities for help, get a job, get an apartment (furnished by said charities), get tired of said city, abandon apartment, repeat.
some would find this resourceful and creative and hippie erotic. i find it a pathetic way to live, sucking resources from people who will actually use them to set up a REAL life, and a creepy way of probably hiding from more things than i want to know about. like this little jewel: he’s an excellent store robber. never been caught. he has a great gut instinct that lets him know when shits going to hit the fan so he can get out early. excellent. he’s the best convenience store robber in all the land. how could a girl possibly feel any more lucky? oh, but she can.
as if the illegitimate merry maid in training wasn’t enough, or the bouncing from homeless shelter to homeless shelter, OR the prolific robbery career, there’s also his magical way with words. “hey punk, send me some shower pictures.” how can a girl possibly resist that? “you need to bring me a sandwich and a blow job.” what the fucking fuck makes you think i would even piss on you if you were on fire, let alone get you a sandwich and a blow job? “what are you up to? i should slap you.” umm...how is this even remotely a conversation starter? do girls find the offer of getting slapped attractive?
just for shits and giggles (and because i knew it would be good writing material), we went out for a drink (i told you i had to see it in person). the bar closed early but he didn’t want to go home (oh yeah, did i mention? he doesn’t have a car, you have to drive to his parents house and pick him up for such a blessed event). i’m not quite through being entertained by this train wreck, so we try to figure out something to do. he wants to go to the strip club because he TOTALLY knows how to play all the strippers- i mean they’re just dumb bitches and he’s totally figured out their game. *PAUSE* strike 902 asshole. you’re not fooling anyone. i know several of those girls and i would NEVER, EVER, EVER expose them intentionally to an ass wipe like you. you are fucked in the head if you think you know how to “trick” them into anything. on behalf of all the darling girls that i know that are 900 times more brave than i am for working at the clubs and putting up with the assholes like you, GO TO FUCKING HELL for even thinking that way about them. *UNPAUSE* nope, wait, *PAUSE AGAIN* i want to junk punch your defective baby maker so hard that your tonsils are replaced with your balls and then run you over with my car 47 and half times for the way you talk about them. assholes like you should be branded on the forehead so the bouncers will recognize you on site and never let you near my girls. EVER. *UNPAUSE*
i politely decline the strip club suggestion and decide instead to take him to the castle. now. if you don’t know, the castle is an “adult mega store.” read: costco of sex toys. i have this theory that you’ll learn all you need to know about a guy by the way he acts in an adult store. you’ll find out what he makes fun of, how comfortable he is with himself, and possibly get a preview of the inner freak. THIS GUY: classic. awkwardly making fun of the different games. showing disgust at several of the toys (most of which i already have at home in my toybox), trying to impress me with all his high school sexual antics (so, i was at this party and was really smashed and all the bedrooms were filled, so i fucked a girl on the couch in front of everyone. umm...EW). like there weren’t already enough strikes against him from the whole night, and all the things he was making fun of, he had the gall, the fucked up audacity, to make fun of pin up girls. there were several books sitting out- vintage bettie page, suicide girls, other pin up models and pictures and he was talking about how stupid they were and how they’re not sexy at all. they’re boring to look at. i’m sorry, WHAT? might not seem like a big thing in the overall count of him splendidly striking out, but you’re talking to a girl that’s about to get a pin up girl tattooed on her body. i think they are GORGEOUS. the vintage girls are the most beautiful example of the way women SHOULD be- curvy, confident, and damn sexy- they made those old neck to knee swim suits look hotter than any micro bikini i’ve ever seen. *le sigh* so. we have: making fun of sex toys that i own, making fun of one of the things i find stunningly sexy, AND bragging about possibly the most degrading sexcapade i’ve ever heard of. yup. i think i learned PLENTY from this trip. THAT will never get near me. EVER.
 |
| from the atomic cheesecake studios |
now. the other boy. um. well. let’s put it this way, my darling friend across the mountains has yet to miss a prediction about the men i meet. he NAILS IT every single time. knows exactly how the train wreck is going to happen, when, and where. he has yet to make i mistake or incorrectly predict the male flight patterns in and out of my life. his prediction on this one? i believe it went something like this: “he’s in it for the long haul.”
even typing that made me take an hour long break. not even kidding. wow. “long haul” what the eff is that?
i don’t even know what to make of that. i mean. long haul? strange thing is, i can kinda see it. and i think i’m kinda ready for it. especially after the last year- it would be nice to have some semblance of belonging again. and yes, i realize that’s not a reason to...whatever...long haul it with someone, but it’s something. it’s a start.
wow. mood swing much? i blame netflix. went from a comedy to a dramedy. totally changed the blog. sorry kids. shouldn’t write and watch at the same time. anytwaddle. it’s time to get back to my busy schedule of nothing. SOMEONE has to be a professional slacker and today that someone is ME. so. happy one month slackiversary!
Posts
what happened to the guy you were with a while ago? The one that was from a different country I think.
ReplyDeleteahh yes, the iraqui: LONG GONE. he went crazy. didn't like the way i was handling my grief (didn't get over it fast enough for him) and i couldn't deal with the drama AND the grief at the same time. i heard he has since moved to texas...apparently the winters here are a little more than he expected!
ReplyDeleteWhat a douche. Sorry he wasn't there for you in your time of need.
ReplyDeleteWow. That gem who lives with his parents is like some kind of mesh of awful male stereotypes and losers all rolled up into one. I've never heard any guy say pin ups aren't sexy, even the guys who are into the more slender ladies. I mean, WTF?
ReplyDeleteoh, it gets better. today i get a text that says: "shit head"
ReplyDeletei wish i were kidding. it was an out of the blue, no context text. i haven't talked to him or responded to anything since that date. and then i get a text like that. SEXY. what was i thinking to let that go? *vomit*
and I KNOW. pin up girls are HOT. you should have seen the guys in the tattoo shop drooling when i took in three books the other day. AND i had already told this jerk off that i was getting one. so. way to strike out all the way around. what a prize specimen.