a short (hopefully) rant

it's been a rough few weeks with the teenager.

really rough.

out of desperation i decided to look for single parent support groups on facebook.

yeah.

it's been that bad.

i've already noticed a trend the last...LOT...of years- all the "parenting" content on the internet stops as soon as kids hit around 7-10.

like parents should have it all figured out by then and never need support again.

well, i'm a fucking hot mess and i STILL need support.

i dug through PLENTY of single parent groups on facebook and finally found one that sounded ok. i couldn't see much because it's a private group, but the description and the rules seemed like things would be pretty dialed in...so i requested to join.

then 5 minutes later i left the group.

"i've been single for 2 months, can i start dating again?"

"husband left a week ago..."

"my 3 week old..."


*maybe* 3 posts scrolling WAY back about teenagers...one her daughter was distraught at getting less than an A on a test, one was celebrating how well her teenager was doing after graduation, and ONE had issues about their 19 year old who had just graduated having a hard time deciding if he wanted to live with mom or dad after high school.

and i don't discount those issues. each family has their own dynamic.

BUT.

am i a fucking unicorn?

where's the parents that have been single for twenty years?

where's the parents dealing with a teenager that just stole $100 worth of weed and will lie in the face of every. single. fact?

the mom struggling because she had to call the police when her teenager threatened physical harm for having a cell phone taken?

am i just a shitty parent?

does everyone else have it figured out by the time they've been a parent this long?

you think i'd know how to good cop AND bad cop by now, but NOPE. just one rabbid bad cop that INSISTS on being heard, which we all know teenagers are sooooooo good at doing.

just a bad cop that feels like she's having a stroke on the daily because the stress and tension waiting for the next fight no matter how hard she tries to avoid one.

and i can tell when i'm going crazy. i can tell when a rational person would tap out and just leave things alone...but holy. fuck. cheese. on. a. cracker. how do you walk away from "yeah, whatever" *door slam* without popping a gasket?

and that's just the parenting part.

the single part??

where's the other parents that can't date because their kid HATES everyone and makes life a living hell when anyone comes over?

where's the other parents who's kids are openly homophobic so dating same sex is COMPLETELY out of the question?

where's the other parents that just want some help but could NEVER, EVER imagine asking someone to be willing to share in the stress and chaos that is a teenager.

logically i know i can't be the only one.

but fuck, it sure feels that way.

i'll be there for you

so. i know i haven't written in a long time. i've wanted to write, but haven't know what or how.

i've been caught up with a boyfriend. and not in that- what a bitch, gets a boyfriend and disappears on us kinda way. in an...i don't know what i can legally (or safely) write about him and our issues so i haven't written at all kind of way.

DON'T WORRY, i'm out of it now. but yes, it was one that i honestly didn't feel ok to write about. there's your first clue it wasn't good for me.

BUT.

some very, VERY good things did come out of it in the end.

most important: i have some of the most amazing friends and support any girl could EVER ask for.

things with the boy were...interesting...from the beginning. since day one my friends have listened, supported, and been there while i worked through and gave it a really damn hard try. most (ok, all) of them didn't particularly like the decisions i was making and didn't necessarily like the boy or some of the things that came with him, but the still loved me and stuck by me.

i can't even begin to say how much that meant.

i'm from a family that literally said: "you know, we'll only be here for you so many times before you're on your own."

family isn't blood and blood isn't family. i've been reminded of that one more time.

my people, my dear friends listened, helped me talk things out, pointed out things that i was missing, reminded me that they were worried about me, kept an eye on me but still let me take my journey and were there for me at the end of the day and at the end of this particular path.

i LOVE them for that. and it reminds me of the friend i need to be back for them. no judgement, love, support, acceptance even if it's not what you'd wish for them. listening even when it's the same thing over and again. being there and being able to (nicely) say YOU'RE BEING AN IDIOT but i still support you and will be here for you.

i LOVE my friends. i am so happy that i have each and every one of them. they all have a different perspective, a different way of pointing things out to me, a different way of supporting me, making me laugh, helping me get through some of the rough times. from helping me drink a $5 bottle of wine or a 6 pack of beer or a cup of coffee. friends that can babysit me while i sit at home crying, friends that i can go out with on a wednesday night, friends that i can chill and have a beer on a back deck and a real discussion with (yes, alcohol was mentioned several times. it helped. shut it.). they all together make this beautiful web of support that i am so lucky and blessed to have.

SECOND lesson: i tried. i really tried. lord knows there were plenty of issues and i didn't just cut and run. ok. YES it only lasted two months, so it's not like i did a giant marathon, but TWO MONTHS IS A LONG TIME FOR ME! OK?! honestly, longer than anything in the last 10 years. I mean- there were a few lovers that lasted longer, but no "relationships" where i was actually "with" someone. so.  this was big. i also haven't cared this much about someone in that long too. i was ALL IN on this one. and yes, sill that fast, but there was something about it. i know. i can't care about someone after a ton of time but then BAM, all in after just a few days. i can't explain it but it happened. and i tried. and i talked about things. and i tried to see things from multiple standpoints. and i tried to be patient and wait things out. but at the end of the day, you can't stay where you're not wanted. and it was painfully obvious that i wasn't wanted, so i had to leave. i wanted to stay. i wanted to make it work. i wanted to be in for the long haul. but you can't make decisions for people, and as much as i wanted to, i couldn't make him choose me or make him decide i was important to him.

but i did try. i did learn. i did grow. i did realize that i am capable of opening up and really caring about someone. i did learn that i can fight for things but still know when it's a loosing battle. i learned to stay true to me. i started to let myself slip, my friends could see me starting to change, i could feel me starting to change and so i got out. i didn't let myself get lost.

THIRD lesson: IT WASN'T ME. there isn't some fatal flaw. there isn't something horribly wrong with me. i didn't ruin this, i am not broken.

that's a BIG sentence for me to write. i am still as beautiful and desirable and smart as the first day he asked me out, and other people see that. i couldn't choose for him. and it was HIS choice. it isn't me that's wrong. it isn't him that's wrong. it just not the right time/place/fitting for us. not being right doesn't mean it's wrong.

i'm sad. i'm depressed. i'm heart broken. i'm all the things you are when something that has completely captured you falls apart. BUT i don't dislike me. i'm not blaming. i'm not hating.

i recognize that i am still fucking amazing. that's what drew him to me in the first place. it's what draws others. I AM STILL OK. i have my issues. i'm WELL aware of that. but i'm not "should-ing" myself or comparing myself or tearing myself apart trying to figure out questions that i will never have answers to because they're not my questions. i don't know why i wasn't right for him. i never will. but that's not MY issue to figure out. that's HIS issue to figure out and i won't tear myself apart or waste my time and energy trying to fix it. i don't know why SO MANY THINGS but it's ok. and i'm ok. and i'm choosing not to go down that road of destruction and hurt. there's already enough hurt as it is, i don't need to intentionally add more to myself.

so. i'm getting back to me. i'm SO THANKFUL for my friends. i'm thankful for the people that stood by me and gently reminded me to get my ass back behind the keyboard and be me again. i'm thankful for all the listening ears and compassionate hearts and cold beers.

i'm thankful for the lessons, no matter how much they hurt. i'm thankful for the experience. i'm still sad. i'm still camping out on my couch and laying low. but i'll be ok. and i know i'll have friends there helping me be ok.

so. i'm working on writing more. actual short stories and things as well as the blogs. yes, i still want to write "lessons learned the not so hard way" about all my horrible (and some ok) sexcapades. yes, i still want to write about all the things i've been through that got me to be the person i am now (but with a few names and details slightly changed). i want to WRITE. so i am. this is a start. back to the goal of at least once a week. i promise. and yell at me if i don't.

thanks to anyone that happens to be reading this for being patient with me.

best.week.ever.

i don’t write posts like this very often. i probably should. it’s good to acknowledge and document when things are going REALLY well so that the next time the shit hits the fan you can look back and go- well, that week was kick ass and i’m sure there will be another one soon.

i had a deep thought type thing today- almost posted it to facebook since everyone knows that’s THE place to share deep thoughts. but i didn’t. so it’s here instead, then we’ll get back to the main point.

deep thought of the day: every morning it’s good to take a moment to look back at what was, what never was, and what never will be. BUT JUST A MOMENT. then get back to what is and what you want to be and what you can make it be.

how fucking deep is that shit? people always tell you not to look back or dwell on the past and i say NAY PEOPLE. that’s a fancy word for no if you weren’t aware. I SAY NAY. you should look back. acknowledge it for what it was. recognize the past is what go you to today. just don’t dwell on it. take a moment- not even a minute, just a moment. look at it. acknowledge it. give it a cool guy head nod. then get back to kicking asss today.

i know. i just blew all your minds. all three of you that read this. you’re welcome.

now back to the main point of this post. i have had, quite possibly, the best week i can remember in my entire life. exaggerating? really not. jinxing myself because it’s only thursday night? probably. but even if friday sucked, the average of the whole week would be enough to keep this one in the top five for sure.

it’s actually been quite the streak as of late- can’t even limit it to this week- last week was pretty damn good too- great wine night saturday with friends, dinner and a productive meeting sunday. but monday really did just kick this week off in a big ass way.

monday i was a real, true grown up- got up in time, did the whole getting ready for work, grabbed breakfast, remembered my vitamins and my lunch AND made tea. doesn’t sound like much, but in my chaotic morning life (i hate mornings with a deep pure hate) it was a big thing. made for a great/productive day at work. not too shabby for a monday. got home that afternoon and in the mail there was an unexpected check waiting for me. not sure how or where or what, but it was one last check from my dad’s estate. honestly, no clue how it came to be. it’s been over 2 years. i thought everything was long since settled. it came at just the right time. between switching jobs again, trying to get caught up on bills, trying to stay above water, it’s been tight on the basics. then there’s all the other stuff- property taxes, parking tickets, cub scout uniforms, school dance clothes, miscellaneous bills, walmart runs that have been postponed...all the CRAP that ends up stacking up when you’re not looking. i’ve been treading water for a while which is a huge success in itself, but this- the check wasn’t gigantic, but it was more than enough to cover all that stuff listed. i have been stressing about my property taxes for months. didn’t pay the first half because i plain and simply couldn’t. now the second half is due and still no clue how it was going to get paid. i didn’t have the ability (or honestly remember that i was supposed to) “pay myself rent” and set aside money each month for taxes. turns out that buying a home thing doesn’t end when you sign the papers. this check covered that. my dad is still watching out for me 2 years later and helping bail me out of my mistakes. EVEN BETTER- when i looked at the tax slip to pay the bill, i noticed a “prior owing” section for the second half of LAST YEAR’s taxes. are you fucking kidding me? i didn’t pay those either. FUCK. now instead of 2k, it’s going to be 2,863. shit. called in to the county to verify- oh, i was looking at an outdated form or something, the second half of last year was paid in february. by me. totally don’t remember writing that check (they had it on record as my personal check) but i’ll take it! i guess i can be a responsible adult when i’m not looking.

so taxes: PAID. and for $800ish less than i thought. AWESOME. not bad news for a tuesday. paid up all the parking tickets (“stupid tax” hurts!). paid all the regular monthly bills, paid of a few other measly little accounts, tried to do the responsible adult thing. i’ve been able to get the kiddos the things they need from picture money, school dance fancy clothes (the big spawn got invited to a high school homecoming dance), cub scouts uniforms. they say money can’t buy happiness, but it sure as fuck can relieve a LOT of stress and make it easier to find happiness in other places...

like GREAT FUCKING FRIENDS. seriously. i feel so lucky right now with the great people that i get to interact with all the time. i have some of the best people a girl could ask for: people that are real, honest, supporting, loving and just THERE when i need a boost up. the crew for the magazine is GREAT. we’ve gone through some rough patches as a growing publication, this week has been no exception to the growing pains, but through it all we’ve worked together, supported each other- core team, design team and beyond. our crew is just fucking phenomenal to work with right now. it’s people that are involved because they WANT to be involved. we’re all passionate about it in different ways and the overall effect of that is fucking CRAZY to watch. it’s beautiful and inspiring and exactly what it needs to be. it’s been great. inside the magazine i love that the people i’m working with are teaching me i have talent, ability, a valuable opinion and voice. those same people outside the magazine are kicking my ass every day teaching me that i’m a beautiful person inside and out. i deserve good things in life. i deserve happiness and good people and a positive environment. they support and accept me as i am, they believe in me. they’ve helped me boost my self image and self value and HOLY FUCK does that make a huge difference in EVERYTHING.

back to the main point again- this week has just been fucking phenomenal. it’s not about the money that came in (although it helped for sure). it’s about the fact that good things have been happening. good people have been happening. i’ve been able to support the people around me and they’ve supported me back in turn. i’ve been able to spend great time building friendships new and old. i’ve been learning to listen to the positive voices- random stranger on the street telling me i’m beautiful to friend that have been trying to drill the same thing into my head for the last eight years (i’m learning sir, thanks for being patient) and set aside the old horrible voices that just kept wanting to tear me down. i had a huge moment last week where i went through some crazy deep, raging anger but i had people there to listen and hear me and help me work through it and address and dismiss the source of it. do you know how fucking great it feels to let anger go? and how great it is to have people that not only listen to you and help you through it but also take the time to help you find the lesson in it and help you grow in a healthy way from it?

i had dinner last night with an outstanding, adorable gentleman where we were able to talk and enjoy each other’s company for 4 hours. it was a positive, fun, thoroughly enjoyable evening. i’ve been able to spend afternoons and weekends with the spawns for quite a while without  crazy and drama and arguments (within reason- there is still a teenager in the house, we have our moments). there has just been positive and good from all directions.

it wouldn’t be me if i didn’t say that there is still a part of me that’s holding out- in the back corner there’s this little voice saying it’s too good to be true, when the other shoe drops it’s going to be fucking hiroshima around here, there’s something else going on, it can’t be all this positive without a huge backlash coming around the bend.

maybe. i don’t know. maybe there is something coming. but i can’t worry about that today. i’m learning that. i’m learning to silence that voice. the voice that says things can’t be good for me. the voice that says it’s only good because something bad is coming. i’m learning to ENJOY THE GOOD. why should i worry about tomorrow when i have NO IDEA what it will bring? why waste that energy when i can be celebrating all the GREAT things that are happening right now? the little spawn has been selected for a special tutoring program. the big spawn is off the charts in his school placement testing. i’m part of a team producing a successful magazine. TODAY there are great people around me and GREAT things going on. and you know what? i’m going to fucking enjoy it and appreciate the shit out of it. i’m going to be grateful that all these healthy people have been in and are still coming into my life. i’m going to take the time to look at today, look at the last week, be the annoying obnoxious happy pollyanna that won’t shut up about all the cool shit happening.

it’s been a fanfuckingtastic week. and i appreciate that. and i’m excited about it. and whatever tomorrow brings, today was a great fucking day. and i’m so thankful i’ve been able to say that so many days lately.

the remainder

here's a math problem for you:

mom + dad = brother & me - dad + second wife = step-brother & little brother - second wife & step-brother = mom brother me dad little brother - mom - brother - dad - little brother = ??

so. if you haven’t heard, the last few years have been one giant suck-fest in the family category. my mum and i had a slightly major falling out a few years ago causing problems between my brother and i (who already didn’t get along so great), october claimed my little half brother and now august has claimed my dad and his wife.

so. what does that leave behind? what remains of my family? a giant, resounding, ME (and my kids, but you get the gist).

people keep saying: maybe some day you’ll work things out with your mom. don’t hold your breath. what is there to work out with someone who chose to stay with the person who abused not only her daughter but her grandson as well? no thanks. not my crowd.

and what about my brother? slightly hard to have a relationship with someone who views my whole life as one giant train wreck and everything i do a disappointment of some sort.

and i know i don’t have THE most stable life- i’m a far cry from his little all american dream- how many people really can pull off the cop married to the nurse with one boy, one girl, a dog, a cat, a house (with fence!) on 5 acres, the perfect truck, perfect camper, and unicorns prancing in the yard daily? (ok...so as far as i know he doesn’t *ACTUALLY* have unicorns prancing in his yard...but the rest is true).

YES i move quite a bit. totally not by choice- moving SUCKS. 11 times in 11 years is NOT something someone just decides to do- well, at least not something _I_ just up and decided to do. there was college, a marriage, marriage problems, divorce, changing jobs, landlord getting foreclosed, and a landlord being a slum lord all thrown in there. WHEN I CHOOSE, i stay put as long as possible. after my divorce i stayed in that apartment for almost 4 years. when i moved to spokane i stayed put for 2 years. i’ve been in my house now for over a year and don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon.

and YES, there have been guys in and out over the last SIX years since my divorce. ask my kids how many they can name and i bet you’ll hear 3 names. THREE. in SIX years. and they know that only ONE has ever been called a boyfriend. but, damn it, i think i’m allowed to date and see what’s out there. i battle enough with myself about whether or not i should let someone in my life. it’s FUCKING HARD for me to allow anyone to help me emotionally or otherwise. this last year is the ONLY time i’ve let anyone get close to me. the first guy burned me BADLY, and this time i’m still not sure which direction i’m going and if it’s good or not. so. you know. TWO times letting anyone even remotely close in the last SIX years. and honestly, besides the ex (who never really did get close), there has only been those two guys in TWELVE years. don’t think i’m exactly ruining my kids lives here. and two times with all the shit that’s hit the fan. i’m SO FUCKING SORRY i needed someone there to help a bit when my brother died. and i’m SO FUCKING SORRY i need someone there now to help me get through losing my dad. does it make me weak? fuck yes it does. the more you learn to depend on someone else, the more you’ll have to re-learn to depend on yourself when they’re gone, so i know it sucks. i know i’m making it harder for myself in the long run. but damn it, i need someone. that’s hard enough to admit, even harder to allow, and fuck it all, i don’t need my nose rubbed in my weakness.

if you were wondering, these are all things my brother chewed my ass for in our last phone conversation.

-sigh-

it’s just- i’m realizing through all this that the old saying about blood not being family and family not being blood- it’s fucking true. to me, sure i have blood family left, but they’re not family by a long shot. i mean sure there’s still fragments out there, but i choose not to have anything to do with people hell bent on destroying me. call me silly, but i choose to live a HEALTHY life. so what does that leave? it leaves people i choose. people i WANT to surround myself with. but even that is proving to be difficult. you think there are people, you hope there are people, then the cards are called in and you realize what you had in your hand isnt what holds up on the table. it’s good and it’s bad- you are able to get rid of the ones that have no place, and you’re able to bring in new ones.

but it’s hard though, you know? and you always WISH that the blood could be the ones you choose. you keep hoping that one of these times blood family will be the ones to pull through. they’ll be the ones stepping up and helping you through. or at least _i_ keep hoping. i don’t know why. they haven’t yet in 30 years. in times of crisis i’ve heard: “well, you know, family will only be there so many times for you,” and “well, we couldn’t get involved because people might talk,” and “well, you just need to learn to depend on yourself.”

does ANY of that sound like family? what ever happened to “no matter what, we’ll be there,” or “who gives a fuck what people say? you need us, we’re there,” or “you can ALWAYS depend on us. hell or high water, we’re all stronger when we support each other.”

THAT. THAT is the family i want. i want the people who love me anyway. the people who say FUCK the rest, you have us. the people who support you and let you support them.

not sure where this came from all of a sudden. just feeling a little lost and confused lately.