*under construction*

well, they say a change will do you good and HOLY FUCK DID IT.

it's been a few months since the move- i'm officially all unpacked and settled (with the exception of maybe 4 boxes).

art is up, furniture is broken in, things are GOOD.

i knew things had been rough for a while. i thought i was mostly ok with occasional bouts of depression. now i'm realizing things were really bad. i was mostly depressed with occasional bouts of BAD depression.

now, in this apartment, things are GOOD.

i am the happiest and healthiest i've been in...i honestly don't even know how long. 5 years? 7 years? 13 years?

i still struggle. i'm still incredibly lonely a lot of the time. like the 4th of july...no plans, no particular place to go or anything to do. it was rough. didn't help when someone compared me to a girl that had to...how did they put it..."...basically forced [people] into hanging out with her today. it's her birthday and she has no friends. similar story to yours."

ACES. so. those thoughts in my head all the time about being a burden on people? not wanting to force them to spend time with me? my hesitation to reach out to people because it will inconvenience them or they won't feel comfortable enough to say no. OH. THOSE ARE ALL REAL AND TRUE. PEOPLE FEEL THAT WAY.

*sigh* well fuck a duck.

BUT. enough with that bullshit. I CAN ENTERTAIN MYSELF JUST FINE.

things have been changing since the move. there's been a shift and i'm still trying to sort it all out.

I'M DIFFERENT.

i'm like...happy.

know what happens when you're happy?

you care about yourself.

you take care of yourself.

i'm eating healthier. working out regularly (30 days and 15 lbs!). meditating. doing things i've always talked myself out of. some of it has to do with money. whomever said money can't buy you happiness was full of shit. IT REALLY CAN. well...it can smooth the way anyway. easier to be happy when you're not struggling and stressing every minute. good shit takes money. better quality clothes that fit and make me like how i look? make me feel more confident on a daily basis? NOT FREE. good quality skin care? NOT FREE. healthier food? better quality cooking ingredients? NOT FREE. things that i love and want in my home? NOT FREE (especially good art!).

there's things that have been put off WAY too long that just...they make a difference. shallow or not, they make a difference. braces for the kiddo that he's waited YEARS for? they take money. braces for me? that i've waited thirty years for? they take money.

and i know, i'm sure i'm missing the grand point that true happiness can be found without all those things...it's who you are inside. it's a million other cliches.

but for me, it's those things. it's being able to not be worried about the car breaking down. not being worried about hot lunch money. not being worried about if either of us gets sick. what happens if i miss work? what happens if he wants to go to summer camp? safety net: secure.

so, that has been GREAT.

the bigger change though has been the little things.

shortly after we moved in, i plugged the tv into some good old fashioned rabbit ears and watched ACTUAL TV for the first time in years. do you know how fucking amazing jeopardy and wheel of fortune are? do you know how much watching a 3 hour block of america ninja warrior and spartan races makes me want to DO something? there's a basic connection of shared experiences...watching the same crappy commercials at the same time as other people. cheering on people from my home town while they're racing (ok, not WHILE...i get the whole production delay. shut up.)

it's one of the most basic things, but i look forward to getting home at night, plugging in the lights on my patio, and watching some good old fashioned TV. not netflix, not amazon prime. regular old TV.

since the move, it feels like i've been plugged back into real people, real life. it feels like i was in a bubble for a long time. i wasn't connected to anything. i would get home from work and lay on my couch waiting to go back to work the next morning.

now i get home from work and we run errand, have dinner, work out, DO THINGS. i've been to movies, concerts, theater, even a 20's themed birthday party where i *gasp* wore red lipstick and a dress.

WHAT???

maybe it's the move, maybe it's summer, maybe it's me, maybe it's all of it.

but I LIKE IT. and i'm committing myself to the next year of keeping it going. i'll have braces for one year, so i'm considering myself under construction for that year. i'm being refreshed and updated. i'm committing to working out. going out. meditation. self care.

and then, if i can do one year, why not make it two? the last 3 months have been SO. GREAT. imagine a whole year? 2 years? i'm gunning for it.

i kinda like this happy/healthy thing.

it's weird.

loosen your grip

the google machine has failed me. i can see the image in my head but can't find it to share (and me drawing would be just plain terrible).

but you know that moment in a cartoon where the character falls and is CLINGING to the end of the rope and there is perilous danger and a certain plummet to the death if they let go? then it pans down three inches and there's solid ground RIGHT THERE and the character lets go and sheepishly walks off like they really weren't just completely terrified for their life three seconds ago?

or when someone is flailing in the pool certain they're going to drown and then they stand up and it's barely knee deep?

THAT.

THAT is the feeling i have right now.

i feel like i've been in crisis mode for so many years, clinging to the end of my rope, so terrified of the fall that i didn't even bother to look below me and notice the completely stable landing pad RIGHT THERE.

2015 is odd.  a great odd. but odd. my budget has loosened up across the board without any specific conscious effort- like my comfort level electric billing being adjusted lower without me making any specific effort to conserve energy. or like my cellphone bill being cut almost in half after removing one line (even with adding a tablet). the raise at work helped too.

speaking of work, i love where i'm at. even with the occasional stupid comment (one of the guys comparing a lesbian couple being able to have a baby to the woman marrying her biological father because they're both gross. *headdesk*). with the raise, my boss asked me to take on additional responsibilities in regard to the company financials but was also willing to put me through classes to learn how to do it right. AWESOME.

home has been boring lately for the most part which is GOOD. i miss my teenager like crazy. it's been a year since i've seen him and he still barely texts or talks to me, BUT, i don't miss all the drama and chaos and anger we were stuck in. it's NICE not having to constantly referee and defend and be prepared for battle. there are still battles with the the almost teenager. we're slogging through sorting out negative and positive behaviors. it's exhausting as well but not nearly the continuous fight to the death i'd grown accustomed to.

and then there's the random AWESOME that's been happening- getting an article published on a well known web site. being asked to come on as a writer/interviewer for an entertainment magazine. realizing that i have been seriously putting myself down for YEARS and not believing my friends when they encouraged me (sorry everyone).

being published via submission is a big shift- it's people that aren't required/obligated to like my writing accepting it and publishing it and wanting more. it's such a...fuck...words...it's a MOMENT. an epicenter. an axis shifter..it's fucking HUGE that a magazine wants me on staff to represent them to their readership base. that a popular web site trusts that my article would resonate with their readers.

i've also been working on home again- getting things fixed, updated, decorated. tax return season has shifted over the years from TATTOO TIME! to electrical repairs, paint, art OH MY! i've been collecting pieces that make me happy and doing projects that make things feel more completed than falling apart. home is becoming HOME. after stripping it down during the attempts to sell, it's been blank and depressing for a while. now it's becoming HOME again. i like pulling up and seeing a freshly painted front door and new exterior chandelier (orb). i like sitting in my livingroom looking at art pieces that i've been waiting to adopt for a while. i like a dining room full of plants and terrariums (i can't even begin to describe how excited i am to make a trailer park terrarium, flamingos and all) . i'm stupidly excited to have ALL the lights in my bathroom finally working.

the biggest shift is that i'm HAPPY. the last several years have been rough. the end of last year took a few really harsh shots. but i finally took the time to look below the end of the rope and find that there's been a place to land just waiting.

i made it through and i didn't just survive, i'm thriving. i've finally broken the shell on the depression that's been lingering and i feel my creativity and energy and happiness coming back. i know this isn't forever. i'm well aware that it will take work and self care to maintain this spot. i know to watch for being overloaded or negative drains. i need to make sure i'm eating properly, sleeping, exercise...you know all those things a million and twelve people say that...well, work. i'm cautiously optimistic. i find myself looking at all the good happening and being majority excited and minority worried about the other shoe dropping. yes, the worry is still there, i'm still ME. but it's shifting. i've landed and gained footing. so far standing up is much better than hanging on.

#londoncalling

so, what’s going on with london? well, funny you ask- it’s TWO DAYS AWAY.

(insert squee noises and happy dance here).

passport is in hand, tickets are waiting online, bags are packed (well, besides the last minute stuff), and i’m ready to leave on a jet plane.

yes, it gets more obnoxious from here.

it’s been weeks of amazing awesome, crazy stress, fear, hope, everything in between. bottom line: when something is meant to happen, it WILL happen. i really do believe there’s a time and a reason for everything, hell, i have it tattoed on my body. but never more than the last few weeks has that believe PROVED itself.

going to london didn’t just happen. it took a bit of effort. it took a few large miracles. here’s a few of the dirty details:

passport: i got my passport just a few days ago back in June of 1997. just a few days. it had long since expired, i’ve moved...oh...a *FEW* times since then. how the hell was i going to find it to renew it, and would i be able to get it in time even with the expedited?

YES and YES. literally less than 2 minutes of looking i found the old passport. it was in a basket of random crap by my bed. don’t even know. went to the post office to renew it, took a new picture (which looks surprisingly good), paid the *ouch* expedited fee, sent it off and crossed my fingers. the told me it would take 2-3 weeks- three weeks would put it ON the day i was leaving. *panic*

EIGHT DAYS. that’s it. eight days and my new passport was in the mail waiting for me. the new one came in before the old one was returned. step one: completed.

plane ticket: i don’t know about anyone else, but i’m not the girl with an extra thousand just sitting around. i SHOULD be. i get that. savings accounts are nifty. but when you’re *just* starting to get regular paychecks again and you spent all your money on a house and repairs and life...well, it’s paycheck to paycheck around my house and last time i checked the trees in the yard are only fruit trees, not money trees. still working on that. so HOW did i manage a plane ticket to london?

i had a honda element that i was driving. good car, was my dream car at one point. researched it for years before buying one. drove it. loved it. started to hate it. REALLY HATED IT. simple little things: barn doors- nifty for moving/getting things in and out. HELL in a parking lot with a kiddo in the back seat. four seats: sounds cool, there’s only 3 of us, but what if the kids want to have a friend over? or what if i want to carpool with people? or if i’m going out to dinner with a friend and their kid? SCREWED. also: why does any car newer than 2000 NOT have heated side mirrors for winter time? and why do i only have TWO cup holders? little things make a big difference. great car, not for me. i’d been thinking about trading her in/selling her for quite a while. had her listed on craigslist several times. nothing. hmmm.

there’s a car lot two blocks away from my house with one of those “cash for cars” things written on the window. uh huh. i would love to be prison raped without lube, how did they know? thought i’d check it out just to see. drove onto the lot, drove off 3 hours later with a new car and $1700 in my pocket.

yeah. that happened. traded my 2010 element in, drove off with a 2010 dodge caliber- close to the same miles, more space, better gas mileage, LOVE driving the caliber. been looking at those since i started thinking about trading the element. here’s hoping another dream car doesn’t bite me in the ass.  BUT. they paid me the difference of the trade in IN CASH. how often does that happen? seriously. no car payment, better car, cash in hand. LONDON PLANE TICKET PURCHASED. step two: complete.

so. i have my passport, i have my plane ticket- what else is there?

oh yeah- there’s ME.

i’ve been getting sick off on an for a few months. wake up at 2 in the morning, throw up a few time, sit around in pain for a few hours, go back to my life. thought i had it figured out- knew it happened after eating certain foods. just figured i was getting old. getting old sucks. then it started happening more often. with different foods. oh crap.

last monday it hit pretty bad. i finally did some research and thought i had it dialed in to my gallbladder. well. that sucks. what can you do? monday night was pretty rough. made it through. worried a little about the trip, but figured i had at least a few weeks, maybe a month before it would hit again if the pattern held (except the fact that it had already happened a few times in a few weeks...the OLD pattern...).

then it hit again friday night. BAD. well, shit. i can’t get on a plane if this is happening every few days. NOW WHAT?

i don’t have insurance. i can’t just call up, make an appointment, get checked out. i DID make an appointment with the community health clininc. for december 5th. well, shit. that’s not now. and that’s not before london. SHIT SHIT SHIT.

FUCK. FINE.

checked into an emergency room. the pain was the worst yet, it wasn’t going away, and it was twice in one week.

SEVEN, yes SEVEN hours later i checked out of the ER. bad news: it is indeed my gallbladder. as the ultrasound tech put it: you’re pretty packed full honey (stones).

GOOD NEWS: no infection. if i watch what i eat i *should* be good at least until my appointment on the 5th when i can check about financial aid to get the damn thing removed.

BETTER NEWS: i can still go to london.

THANK HEAVENS. somewhere around hour five in the ER i broke down in tears waiting for someone to see me. terrified i was going to have to cancel, have emergency surgery, all the worst case scenarios. that’s what three days of no sleep, extreme pain, and sitting in a shitty ER waiting room that long will do to you (to make matters worse: the TV was stuck on disney channel in the waiting room and BET in the exam room. why do they hate people so much?).

SO. passport: check. ticket: check. me: check (ish...i have pain meds just in case).

i started packing my bag last night. it’s getting real. less than 48 hours and i’ll be on a plane.

HOLY SHIT.

less than 48 hours.

i can’t even put into words how much i just want to SEE him. i mean texting is great, skype is fucking awesome. but to SEE him. IN PERSON. to be able to hug him. no time delay between texts, no crappy connection making skype freeze up. HIM. in front of me. after eight years. it might sound stupid, but it makes me tear up and my whole body aches. emotions this strong are a strange thing. especially for me. over a guy.

i’m trying really hard to just enjoy the fact that i’m going to london. i get to see england. 100 acre woods. alice in wonderland. beatrix potter. shakespeare. canterbury tales. all the things i studied and read about. this is where they happened. this is where they were created. i’ve always wanted to travel. and i am. and that in itself is so exciting.

i don’t want to put any expectations on anything else. i just want to go and see.

how could i say no to this adorable LuLu purse?

best.week.ever.

i don’t write posts like this very often. i probably should. it’s good to acknowledge and document when things are going REALLY well so that the next time the shit hits the fan you can look back and go- well, that week was kick ass and i’m sure there will be another one soon.

i had a deep thought type thing today- almost posted it to facebook since everyone knows that’s THE place to share deep thoughts. but i didn’t. so it’s here instead, then we’ll get back to the main point.

deep thought of the day: every morning it’s good to take a moment to look back at what was, what never was, and what never will be. BUT JUST A MOMENT. then get back to what is and what you want to be and what you can make it be.

how fucking deep is that shit? people always tell you not to look back or dwell on the past and i say NAY PEOPLE. that’s a fancy word for no if you weren’t aware. I SAY NAY. you should look back. acknowledge it for what it was. recognize the past is what go you to today. just don’t dwell on it. take a moment- not even a minute, just a moment. look at it. acknowledge it. give it a cool guy head nod. then get back to kicking asss today.

i know. i just blew all your minds. all three of you that read this. you’re welcome.

now back to the main point of this post. i have had, quite possibly, the best week i can remember in my entire life. exaggerating? really not. jinxing myself because it’s only thursday night? probably. but even if friday sucked, the average of the whole week would be enough to keep this one in the top five for sure.

it’s actually been quite the streak as of late- can’t even limit it to this week- last week was pretty damn good too- great wine night saturday with friends, dinner and a productive meeting sunday. but monday really did just kick this week off in a big ass way.

monday i was a real, true grown up- got up in time, did the whole getting ready for work, grabbed breakfast, remembered my vitamins and my lunch AND made tea. doesn’t sound like much, but in my chaotic morning life (i hate mornings with a deep pure hate) it was a big thing. made for a great/productive day at work. not too shabby for a monday. got home that afternoon and in the mail there was an unexpected check waiting for me. not sure how or where or what, but it was one last check from my dad’s estate. honestly, no clue how it came to be. it’s been over 2 years. i thought everything was long since settled. it came at just the right time. between switching jobs again, trying to get caught up on bills, trying to stay above water, it’s been tight on the basics. then there’s all the other stuff- property taxes, parking tickets, cub scout uniforms, school dance clothes, miscellaneous bills, walmart runs that have been postponed...all the CRAP that ends up stacking up when you’re not looking. i’ve been treading water for a while which is a huge success in itself, but this- the check wasn’t gigantic, but it was more than enough to cover all that stuff listed. i have been stressing about my property taxes for months. didn’t pay the first half because i plain and simply couldn’t. now the second half is due and still no clue how it was going to get paid. i didn’t have the ability (or honestly remember that i was supposed to) “pay myself rent” and set aside money each month for taxes. turns out that buying a home thing doesn’t end when you sign the papers. this check covered that. my dad is still watching out for me 2 years later and helping bail me out of my mistakes. EVEN BETTER- when i looked at the tax slip to pay the bill, i noticed a “prior owing” section for the second half of LAST YEAR’s taxes. are you fucking kidding me? i didn’t pay those either. FUCK. now instead of 2k, it’s going to be 2,863. shit. called in to the county to verify- oh, i was looking at an outdated form or something, the second half of last year was paid in february. by me. totally don’t remember writing that check (they had it on record as my personal check) but i’ll take it! i guess i can be a responsible adult when i’m not looking.

so taxes: PAID. and for $800ish less than i thought. AWESOME. not bad news for a tuesday. paid up all the parking tickets (“stupid tax” hurts!). paid all the regular monthly bills, paid of a few other measly little accounts, tried to do the responsible adult thing. i’ve been able to get the kiddos the things they need from picture money, school dance fancy clothes (the big spawn got invited to a high school homecoming dance), cub scouts uniforms. they say money can’t buy happiness, but it sure as fuck can relieve a LOT of stress and make it easier to find happiness in other places...

like GREAT FUCKING FRIENDS. seriously. i feel so lucky right now with the great people that i get to interact with all the time. i have some of the best people a girl could ask for: people that are real, honest, supporting, loving and just THERE when i need a boost up. the crew for the magazine is GREAT. we’ve gone through some rough patches as a growing publication, this week has been no exception to the growing pains, but through it all we’ve worked together, supported each other- core team, design team and beyond. our crew is just fucking phenomenal to work with right now. it’s people that are involved because they WANT to be involved. we’re all passionate about it in different ways and the overall effect of that is fucking CRAZY to watch. it’s beautiful and inspiring and exactly what it needs to be. it’s been great. inside the magazine i love that the people i’m working with are teaching me i have talent, ability, a valuable opinion and voice. those same people outside the magazine are kicking my ass every day teaching me that i’m a beautiful person inside and out. i deserve good things in life. i deserve happiness and good people and a positive environment. they support and accept me as i am, they believe in me. they’ve helped me boost my self image and self value and HOLY FUCK does that make a huge difference in EVERYTHING.

back to the main point again- this week has just been fucking phenomenal. it’s not about the money that came in (although it helped for sure). it’s about the fact that good things have been happening. good people have been happening. i’ve been able to support the people around me and they’ve supported me back in turn. i’ve been able to spend great time building friendships new and old. i’ve been learning to listen to the positive voices- random stranger on the street telling me i’m beautiful to friend that have been trying to drill the same thing into my head for the last eight years (i’m learning sir, thanks for being patient) and set aside the old horrible voices that just kept wanting to tear me down. i had a huge moment last week where i went through some crazy deep, raging anger but i had people there to listen and hear me and help me work through it and address and dismiss the source of it. do you know how fucking great it feels to let anger go? and how great it is to have people that not only listen to you and help you through it but also take the time to help you find the lesson in it and help you grow in a healthy way from it?

i had dinner last night with an outstanding, adorable gentleman where we were able to talk and enjoy each other’s company for 4 hours. it was a positive, fun, thoroughly enjoyable evening. i’ve been able to spend afternoons and weekends with the spawns for quite a while without  crazy and drama and arguments (within reason- there is still a teenager in the house, we have our moments). there has just been positive and good from all directions.

it wouldn’t be me if i didn’t say that there is still a part of me that’s holding out- in the back corner there’s this little voice saying it’s too good to be true, when the other shoe drops it’s going to be fucking hiroshima around here, there’s something else going on, it can’t be all this positive without a huge backlash coming around the bend.

maybe. i don’t know. maybe there is something coming. but i can’t worry about that today. i’m learning that. i’m learning to silence that voice. the voice that says things can’t be good for me. the voice that says it’s only good because something bad is coming. i’m learning to ENJOY THE GOOD. why should i worry about tomorrow when i have NO IDEA what it will bring? why waste that energy when i can be celebrating all the GREAT things that are happening right now? the little spawn has been selected for a special tutoring program. the big spawn is off the charts in his school placement testing. i’m part of a team producing a successful magazine. TODAY there are great people around me and GREAT things going on. and you know what? i’m going to fucking enjoy it and appreciate the shit out of it. i’m going to be grateful that all these healthy people have been in and are still coming into my life. i’m going to take the time to look at today, look at the last week, be the annoying obnoxious happy pollyanna that won’t shut up about all the cool shit happening.

it’s been a fanfuckingtastic week. and i appreciate that. and i’m excited about it. and whatever tomorrow brings, today was a great fucking day. and i’m so thankful i’ve been able to say that so many days lately.

a farewell to 2010

well, another year is coming to an end. i'm not sure what it means any more- the changing of one year to another. do i believe that magically over night with the dropping of a ball, a ton of glitter, and the consumption of way too much alcohol by the general public things will suddenly be all better? that all the shit that happened over the last calendar year will be put away and never thought of again?

no. i do not. i don't particularly understand the big celebration- it's just turning another calendar page. it's another way of marking time passing- and we all know time is passing too quickly anyway. no need to celebrate it and egg it on and make it think we're happy it's getting away from us so quickly.

do i have any big resolutions for the new year? no. my resolutions started a few years ago when loved ones started checking out early. my resolution to enjoy time with the people i love more. to let them know how much i love them. to spend more time making myself happy and less time doing what i'm "supposed" to be doing just because i think i'm "supposed" to be doing it. to let go of things that are unhealthy, no matter how hard it may be. to embrace things that promote me being the best self i can be an in that being the best mom and friend i can be.

was 2010 a particularly bad year? yeah, it was. any worse than 2009? not really. any worse than 2003? not really. any worse than most years in my history? well, yeah, it was. but it was also a good year. life changed. devastating things happened. but i wasn't the only one they happened to though. and though all the shit some really happy things came to pass. i was able to find really healthy people to surround myself with. i was able to take trips and go places for the first time ever. i was able to take my first family vacation with my kids. i will be able to take a full year off to see what i want to be when i grow up and learn how to be a better mom and friend and person. i've learned empathy and compassion and understanding and that life does continue on even when the worst possible thing that you could ever imagine has happened. i've learned the difference between grieving death and celebrating life. i've learned that even in the middle of terrible darkness there can be laughter and love and support and friendship. i've learned that life will reflect what you want to make it reflect. if you focus on the bad, then everything will be bad, everywhere you look there will be problems around every corner will be illness, drama, hurt, more bad. if you focus on the good  you will find happiness, friendship, support, love, health, good memories. yes, the bad still happen, but you can look past and through them to find what you can take from it and use to help yourself grow.

i'm starting to sound like one of those people that i hate...i'm not sure when exactly i became a pollyanna fucking sunshine, but there it all is in text. so. i guess i am.

i just know that if anyone get to complain about what a shitty year it is, i hold that trump card, but i'm not going to play it. i would rather instead focus on the great last birthdays i had with my dad, the great first holidays i had with my kids, the great first trips i got to take with (or to visit) friends. i would rather look back and know that we made the best of the worst than just stop and look at the worst.

i'm still crying while i type this. it's still really fucking hard. it still sucks to look back and admit all that's happened over the last two years. it's too much to sit still and think about. it still takes my breath away and stops me in my tracks at the strangest moments. but that's ok. those will happen for many years. there will  be many good years to come. i'm sure there will be many more bad years to come too. it's all about balance. 

anytwaddle- happy calendar change day. happy start writing the wrong date on checks for a month. happy night to get smashingly drunk and kiss a stranger at midnight. or happy get smashingly drunk and kissing the one you're with. happy make a bunch of new resolutions that you wont keep. one way or another: HAPPY. happiness to all of you. may you learn to see the good and celebrate it. may you be surrounded by people that you love from here forward. may you truly have a HAPPY new year.

happiness, rainbows, unicorns and all that other schmoopy shit- from our family to yours.

the thanksgiving trip (finally)

wow. so. i haven’t posted in FOREVER. there’s a million and one excuses- none of them hold water (or snow in this weather). i could say i’ve been busy finishing up things at work, and i have, but i’ve also been only working half days for the last two weeks due to the holiday (and my chomping at the bit to be out of here). i could say things have been crazy at home, but we all know i’m an insane insomniac and there’s plenty of quiet down time to write if i would just do it. i could say there hasn’t been anything to write about, but there’s a LIST of blog topics, two trips, and my first two major holidays without family to prove otherwise. so. basically it just boils down to me slacking and keeping the voices in my head instead of getting them out and getting a start on what i’m supposed to be spending the whole next year doing.

*sigh*

long story short: there may be a blog flood by the end of the day.

we may as well back track to thanksgiving:

FIRST FAMILY TRIP!

that’s right. and yes, it’s sad. it was our first family trip. my spawns are 12 and 7 and this was our first family trip. welcome to poor ass broke, population: us. BUT this year is different and we headed over to silver mountain in kellogg, idaho for a long weekend at their ski hill/indoor water park. the trip over was really short…don’t know why i haven’t realized before how close it is. it was my first time back to kellogg in probably close to 11 years. went over to visit a few times when the oldest spawn was tiny and my brother was a cop over there- so, yeah. a while. the resort was BEAUTIFUL. we had a cute little room with a huge kitchen, dual head shower, soaking tub, fire place, balcony- hell, it even had a washer/dryer in the room which came in handy with all the swim suits and things. that’s right, we went there for thanksgiving, to a ski hill, in the snow, and spent 90% of our time in the water. nothing says thanksgiving like sitting in a hot tub drinking vodka/seven. this may be a new tradition! the first day was a bit rough. my kids and i have been so scattered with work and school and rushing home to hurry and get some dinner so they could hurry off to bed for the next day…we haven’t really had any time together. so this was a big change for us. and it was a GOOD change. a good chance to reconnect and be a family. once we worked through a few hiccups and got used to being around each other things were good. we did make it up the ski hill one day- took the gondola 45 minutes up to the top of the ski hill realize we’re not really snow people. i shouldn’t say that. we don’t mind snow. we don’t mind cold. but when you have snow AND cold AND wind it gets to be a little much. especially when it’s the type of wind that you have to lean into to stand up straight…i’m more of a fireplace and book kind of girl when the weather is like that. but the oldest one got to snowboarding and sledding (inner tubes). the little one didn’t want to try anything, so we quickly called it a good experience and headed back down the hill back to the hot tubs and water slides. in all we ended up having an excellent time and really enjoyed being with each other. there’s not much more you could ask for! there were a few rough patches- the thanksgiving dinner was TERRIBLE but it was balanced out by awesome food at the snack bar at the water park- there’s something about cheap ass pizza and nachos that was HAPPY IN THE PANTS for the whole weekend. the first day at the water park was rough also- the little spawn has a really hard time doing things that are new and different. you basically have to FORCE him to try things. once you do it’s all well and good, but the initial experience is always draining. the first day he REFUSED to get into the water at all: no wading, no slides, no fountains- it was looking to be a LONG weekend. but after a few tears (on both sides) and finally getting him into the water, there was no getting him out on the last day when it was time to go. something we will have to keep working through each time we face something new. hopefully he’ll learn to fight a little less and trust a little more and it will balance out.

overall it was as good as a trip could have been. the roads were good on the way there and back, we had movies and snuggle time every night, fun in the water park all day, and really just an excellent first family vacation. YES, there are pictures. i’ll add a few to this when i get a chance- i *JUST* downloaded them on my laptop a few days ago and haven’t had a chance to go through them at all yet.

now to the icky part of it: it was hard for me. two year ago i had my first ever thanksgiving with my dad and my little brother. last year we had thanksgiving with my dad but my little brother was gone. this year they are both gone. it was really hard. i tried not to think about it the whole weekend, but considering that the whole reason we were able to take the trip…yeah. double edged sword. it was GREAT to be able to go and have a good time and start our own new little family tradition. but is SUCKED that we had to start our own new little family tradition. i made it through the whole trip without too many tears (save the battles with the small spawn) but driving home we drove past the valley mall in spokane. not a big deal. we’ve been out to the mall a few times over the past few months, i’ve driven to idaho and back and down that stretch of road a few times. but for some reason, this time driving back i was reminded of a few years ago when my dad and his wife stayed at a hotel out by the mall for the oldest spawns birthday. i remember sitting in their hotel room with them while the spawn opened his gifts and the kids getting to stay the night there and go swimming with grandpa. maybe it was because we were just coming back from a hotel, maybe it was because it was a family gathering, maybe it was just that i really saw what i was driving past for the first time in a while but holy fuck did it hit like a ton of bricks. out of nowhere i was suddenly bawling and flooded with memories and thinking about the whole weekend we had just finished and all of it all at once. it’s the strange moments like that that hit the hardest. they’re the ones you can’t see coming and can’t prepare for. you can prepare for the big holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, the BIG things. but the little things, the random reminders, the out of the blue memories that hit- those are SO FUCKING HARD. they just hit you and level you and leave you flat on your ass wondering what the fuck just happened. there i was, driving down the interstate, coming off an excellent weekend, and suddenly i’m just BAWLING. not the best when you’re going 70 down the road with 2 kids in the back seat that have no idea what’s going on.

i’m finding more of those lately too. those odd moments that just HIT. i was getting better for a while- feeling more on an even keel, healing, dealing well, but the last week or so has just been wicked. not even so much the christmas thing although that didn’t help (but i’ll get to that in another post). just the small thing- remembering how he always asked about my snow tires, how he always reminded me that i can’t feed the world, remembering how he did whatever he could whenever he could to help someone else out. just remembering him. trying to think of and remember as much as i can. every memory that i want to hold on to. i want to take time to write out all my memories of him and share them with everyone- partially so i don’t forget, and partially so you all can know him too.

so. you know. it was a hard but good weekend. it was a new tradition. it was our chance to be a family. it was also a reminder that the old things can’t happen anymore. and it was a time to feel the loss of the family that is gone. everything in balance, right?