especially in the online dating world, it's all about projecting the right image, selecting the right moments for the hilight reel, putting your best face forward and pushing all your positive attributes to the forefront so by the time they notice your neurosis the other person is hopelessly hooked and willing to over look flaws that may have otherwise been deal-breakers.
make sure you have the right words, make sure you have appropriate friendly but not too friendly but comfortable/casual but perfectly polished "i woke up this way" pictures, make sure you list the cool trendy habits and hobbies that you never actually do but thought about maybe trying once. make sure you list all the popular TV shows and top selling books in your "favorites" list.
make sure, make sure, make sure...
and make sure you pack your hip waders to get through the unfiltered shit if you ever get to an actual date.
i don't do well on dating sites. mostly because i'm a completely shallow bitch who rejects people for the most basic things- dead animals in their profile pictures, posting pictures of their kids on the site where millions of strangers can see them, one too many up the nose shots, pictures of your super cool babe magnet vehicle, bad hair cuts, poor hygiene that you can smell through the screen. i also instantly reject people who can't figure out how to spell the word "u" in it's full and proper form, who don't know the difference between their, they're, there, you're, your. i block users who send me "ur sexy" emails or lead off with questions about sex. i have very low tolerance for bullshit. i have ZERO knowledge of or tolerance for "strategic dating" and the proper number of days before you call or text, how to lure men in, how to effectively use ultimatums (there is no way to do this, btw), what the different wardrobes should be for evening dates vs coffee dates or after work drinks vs. weekend drinks.
bottom line: my wardrobe is limited, my personality is strong and my patience is short. i would rather get all the bullshit out and on the table at the very beginning than waste both our time on something that isn't a match. on to the next option after a five minute coffee meet up rather than 4 months of slowly realizing this isn't your jam.
and i know. there's the theory of slowly letting someone get used to you, something that may have seemed like a deal breaker may end up being endearing. maybe mute your personality for a while and slowly let the real you out.
WHICH BASICALLY MEANS YOU DON'T LIKE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO TRUST THAT SOMEONE ELSE WOULD.
it's inherently telling yourself that you're flawed and broken and not worthy of someone that will accept you, just as you are. if you have to hide pieces of yourself or "trick" someone into loving you or let them slowly decide they can tolerate you? that doesn't sound like very much fun to me.
i don't have any dating profiles up right now because, well, the dating pool needs a fuck ton of chlorine. and penicillin. and maybe a few AA meetings. and half of them need to worry more about checking in with their parole officer than checking their tinder matches. the other half are too busy at the gym GTLing to arrange time to meet up. it's a disheartening, dirty, diluted dating world out there.
BUT.
we all know me. at some point i'll venture back out into the online match making corral of shame. but next time i think i'm done worrying about being proper. this last go round my "about me" section consisted of the following: "tattooed, degreed, opinionated" short, basic, to the point.
i think for the next go round i'm going totally, unabashedly, brutally transparent.
here's to #bfhunt2016
this chick: single
for a very long time. take from that what you will.
short temper, high expectations.
tattooed, degreed, opionated.
i snore, don't eat anything purple and won't eat meat on the bone. i hate doing dishes but don't mind doing laundry. my house is a constant state of managed chaos- there's stacks of papers in various locations but i know what's in each one and they are all important, otherwise they wouldn't be sitting out. my house is tidy but never white glove inspection clean. i often forget (or don't want to) grocery shop, but when i do i'm a good cook. i'm not good at sharing a bed because i've had it to myself forever. i like to watch tv when i fall asleep, put the toilet paper on so it goes over the top and squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom. i have two teenagers which means i have zero patience and yell more than i should. i curse like a sailor on leave but also know there's a time and a place when it's not appropriate. i like my steaks medium well, I KNOW IT'S RUINING IT. SHUT UP. i'm not a wine snob, but know what i like or don't. i have a terrible habit of pouring myself a beer at home and not finishing it. i have favorite movies that i'll watch over and over again. same with books. i don't have any family, so honestly don't care about holidays and am terrible about birthdays and anniversaries. i'm painfully introverted but can hold my own at social gatherings. if my budget is in a friendly mood i'm up for a beer or a concert or an outing. if my budget sucks, i'm up for a movie on the couch and a little ceasars pizza. i'm not healthy- little ceasars tipped that card. i have a home gym that i never use, but the intention is there. i'm not a yoga nut, i could give a rats ass about rock climbing, going on a hike sounds like something a murderer wants to do so disposing of the body is easier. i would love to go to the beach or on a reasonable (two day maximum) camping trip. i have a short fuse and a fierce temper but a quick recovery time. i expect patience and forgiveness but am terrible about returning the favor (it's a flaw. i'm working on it). i have an itchy trigger finger and am pessimistic by nature when it comes to matters of love and life. i am fiercely loyal, brutally honest, painfully direct. i don't have time or patience for sugar coating.
i believe in marriage equality, women's rights and believe public assistance programs, while flawed, are vital. i firmly believe that sweeping judgements based on religion, skin color, ethnicity, geography are the lowest point of ignorance and stupidity.
there's my nutshell, ball of wax and soap box all in one.
now. kindly invite me out for some form of fried food or kindly fuck the hell off.
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